A wreck of a team can still salvage a season
(Feb. 9 , 2022)
Didn't watch the game, as has been my practice more often than not of late. A long-time Habs fan, why add to the depression that COVID has wrought?
A season that in years past would have have induced intense feelings of disappointment and despair has dissolved into a state of catatonia for this fan. I've grown numb to what's become of the team. The Canadiens will have to do a lot of rebuilding, retooling and regrouping to rekindle the flame of passion in many of their supporters.
How bad are they? Montreal set the record for fewest losses in a season, 8, in 1976-77.
The Washington Capitals hold the record for fewest wins in a season, 8, in 1974-75.
The Canadiens currently have 8 wins, with 37 games still to play.
The Habs are clearly behind the 8-ball. Which is where they should stay in hopes of landing the No. 1 pick.
But now their fans have something else to cheer/jeer for as the Canadiens make their run ... downhill like a bobsled: a spot in the record books, tied for the worst record in modern NHL history.
Go, woebegone Habs, go!
(Feb. 9 , 2022)
Didn't watch the game, as has been my practice more often than not of late. A long-time Habs fan, why add to the depression that COVID has wrought?
A season that in years past would have have induced intense feelings of disappointment and despair has dissolved into a state of catatonia for this fan. I've grown numb to what's become of the team. The Canadiens will have to do a lot of rebuilding, retooling and regrouping to rekindle the flame of passion in many of their supporters.
How bad are they? Montreal set the record for fewest losses in a season, 8, in 1976-77.
The Washington Capitals hold the record for fewest wins in a season, 8, in 1974-75.
The Canadiens currently have 8 wins, with 37 games still to play.
The Habs are clearly behind the 8-ball. Which is where they should stay in hopes of landing the No. 1 pick.
But now their fans have something else to cheer/jeer for as the Canadiens make their run ... downhill like a bobsled: a spot in the record books, tied for the worst record in modern NHL history.
Go, woebegone Habs, go!
Making tanking fun for fans
(Feb. 1, 2022)
I'd go in a different direction when it comes to deciding the order of draft picks.
Have each of the 16 teams' general managers take a turn in the dunking tank. A fan of each team randomly drawn would be given the opportunity to dunk the GM, which would be truly satisfyingly in and of itself but, if successful, could lead to the No. 1 pick being chosen by the fan's favourite team.
Of course, it would be a process of elimination, as only those GMs dunked would remain in the running for the draft's top spot. Ultimately, it would be the last GM standing (in water) who would get to select.
The league could add to the spectacle's entertainment value by removing the screen that protects GMs in the hot seat from getting hit by the ball. The drama would be the dilemma each fan faced in choosing whether to exact revenge on an incompetent general manager or deciding to do what's best for the team and aim for a high draft pick.
I'm sure the entry (into water) draft would make a big splash in TV ratings.
(Feb. 1, 2022)
I'd go in a different direction when it comes to deciding the order of draft picks.
Have each of the 16 teams' general managers take a turn in the dunking tank. A fan of each team randomly drawn would be given the opportunity to dunk the GM, which would be truly satisfyingly in and of itself but, if successful, could lead to the No. 1 pick being chosen by the fan's favourite team.
Of course, it would be a process of elimination, as only those GMs dunked would remain in the running for the draft's top spot. Ultimately, it would be the last GM standing (in water) who would get to select.
The league could add to the spectacle's entertainment value by removing the screen that protects GMs in the hot seat from getting hit by the ball. The drama would be the dilemma each fan faced in choosing whether to exact revenge on an incompetent general manager or deciding to do what's best for the team and aim for a high draft pick.
I'm sure the entry (into water) draft would make a big splash in TV ratings.
Lucy mined comedy gold
(Dec. 22, 2021)
Lucille Ball was a comic actress without equal and the fact episodes of 'I Love Lucy' still hold up after all these years, despite repeated viewings, is a testament to her greatness -- and the genius of the writers, whose contributions to the show's success cannot be overlooked.
It's surprising -- and disappointing -- how many TV series remembered fondly are found wanting when given another look years later.
Not 'I Love Lucy', it's always good for a laugh -- as is another personal favourite, "The Dick Van Dyke Show'.
Comedy gold is created whenever you have a star who's supremely talented, a strong supporting cast, and a group of writers at the top of their game.
(Dec. 22, 2021)
Lucille Ball was a comic actress without equal and the fact episodes of 'I Love Lucy' still hold up after all these years, despite repeated viewings, is a testament to her greatness -- and the genius of the writers, whose contributions to the show's success cannot be overlooked.
It's surprising -- and disappointing -- how many TV series remembered fondly are found wanting when given another look years later.
Not 'I Love Lucy', it's always good for a laugh -- as is another personal favourite, "The Dick Van Dyke Show'.
Comedy gold is created whenever you have a star who's supremely talented, a strong supporting cast, and a group of writers at the top of their game.
No longer old PK
(Nov. 23, 2021)
Subban is no longer old PK but the PK of old.
The Devils are so impressed with his play of late that they made their new sweater black in his honour.
BTW, I wonder, do teams, say, the Canadiens, watch videos of OTHER teams playing, to learn how to pass, for example, or defend on the penalty kill?
(Nov. 23, 2021)
Subban is no longer old PK but the PK of old.
The Devils are so impressed with his play of late that they made their new sweater black in his honour.
BTW, I wonder, do teams, say, the Canadiens, watch videos of OTHER teams playing, to learn how to pass, for example, or defend on the penalty kill?
I'm reaching the end of my tether
(Nov. 22, 2021)
Ask NOT what your hockey team can do for you...ask what YOU can do for your hockey team!
I HAVE done a lot for this team, offering expert counsel on many occasions on a variety of issues.
And what thanks have I received? Rien.
I've almost reached the end of my tether and have resorted to using a teether while watching Hab games.
(Nov. 22, 2021)
Ask NOT what your hockey team can do for you...ask what YOU can do for your hockey team!
I HAVE done a lot for this team, offering expert counsel on many occasions on a variety of issues.
And what thanks have I received? Rien.
I've almost reached the end of my tether and have resorted to using a teether while watching Hab games.
He ticks all the right boxes, Mr. Molson
(Nov. 22, 2021)
Hmmm, Chris Johnston reports: "Jim Rutherford is itching to jump back into an NHL front office as either a president or general manager."
The guy who won the Stanley Cup three times as a general manager, was chosen general manager of the year in 2016, was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in 2019, and resigned as GM of the Pittsburgh Penguins last January due to personal reasons, that guy?
Whaddya think, Geoffie?
He ticks all the right boxes, you know, if you're considering making a change (like in the next week or so; the guy's itching, after all. And Bergie's twitching no doubt):
-- Member in good standing of the old boys' network
-- Exceedingly competent
-- Has connections
-- Likes French fries, French onion soup and French toast (pure speculation on my part but anything to get you to look his way).
I can look up his phone number if you want.
(Nov. 22, 2021)
Hmmm, Chris Johnston reports: "Jim Rutherford is itching to jump back into an NHL front office as either a president or general manager."
The guy who won the Stanley Cup three times as a general manager, was chosen general manager of the year in 2016, was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in 2019, and resigned as GM of the Pittsburgh Penguins last January due to personal reasons, that guy?
Whaddya think, Geoffie?
He ticks all the right boxes, you know, if you're considering making a change (like in the next week or so; the guy's itching, after all. And Bergie's twitching no doubt):
-- Member in good standing of the old boys' network
-- Exceedingly competent
-- Has connections
-- Likes French fries, French onion soup and French toast (pure speculation on my part but anything to get you to look his way).
I can look up his phone number if you want.
A 200-foot player is what he is
(Nov. 21, 2021)
Who knew the return of Crosby would help the Penguins so much defensively?
He's a 200-foot player -- a centrepede.
(Nov. 21, 2021)
Who knew the return of Crosby would help the Penguins so much defensively?
He's a 200-foot player -- a centrepede.
Recipe for success
(Nov. 20, 2021)
Perhaps Scotty Bowman is not as deserving of all the praise he has garnered over the years but it has been said in more than one sport that leading a team filled with exceptional talents and a mix of egos has its own challenges, and not everyone placed in that position achieves the expected results.
Scotty was blessed to do so in three different circumstances, which suggests he had a recipe for success.
Even great chefs, however, can't turn canned goods into four-star dishes. Otherwise, the prices at high-end restaurants would be much lower (you would hope).
I would much rather coach a team full of stars than a team full of another s word. Both have challenges but if you can keep your own ego in check as a coach, I would think coaching stars would be easier.
I agree, having stars to work with makes a coach's job easier, as long as you can get them to align.
(Nov. 20, 2021)
Perhaps Scotty Bowman is not as deserving of all the praise he has garnered over the years but it has been said in more than one sport that leading a team filled with exceptional talents and a mix of egos has its own challenges, and not everyone placed in that position achieves the expected results.
Scotty was blessed to do so in three different circumstances, which suggests he had a recipe for success.
Even great chefs, however, can't turn canned goods into four-star dishes. Otherwise, the prices at high-end restaurants would be much lower (you would hope).
I would much rather coach a team full of stars than a team full of another s word. Both have challenges but if you can keep your own ego in check as a coach, I would think coaching stars would be easier.
I agree, having stars to work with makes a coach's job easier, as long as you can get them to align.
Stud coaches are not easily found
(Nov. 20, 2021)
"But, again, who are all these great anglo coaches we are currently missing out on? Bruce Boudreau? Babcock? If you look at a list of currently tenured coaches, about 1/3 of them have been on for a season or less. Another 1/3 have been on for less than 3 seasons. If all other teams are easily finding stud coaches, how is that possible?
Where was it ever said that "other teams are easily finding stud coaches?"
Finding the right coach, or GM, is difficult at the best of times but when you limit your options you've just made it that much harder for yourself. Why would you do that? For cultural reasons? A losing culture isn't much a draw but if the intent is to have fans lose interest in the team, well, it seems to be working.
Yes, Timmins needs to go. As does Bergevin who, for unfathomable reasons, keeps him on the payroll.
And when the Canadiens go looking for MB's replacement (or their next coach), they should broaden their horizons. If you want the name of a stud GM (or coach) that's available, I can't give you one, francophone or anglophone. I'll leave it to others more informed than I to nominate their choices.
But if I were Molson I wouldn't automatically toss out the resumes that came from anglophone candidates. Hear them out, find out what strengths they would bring to the team. They might even be enough to overcome the enormous defect of being able to speak only English -- and to justify the expense of employing a Quebec-born interpreter until the new hire has learned enough French to speak in cliches.
After three decades of futility, the Canadiens need to consider all possibilities. Ridding themselves of a self-imposed disadvantage when recruiting top-notch personnel would be a good start.
And let me make clear from the outset if it isn't already obvious: IT WON'T BE EASY.
(Nov. 20, 2021)
"But, again, who are all these great anglo coaches we are currently missing out on? Bruce Boudreau? Babcock? If you look at a list of currently tenured coaches, about 1/3 of them have been on for a season or less. Another 1/3 have been on for less than 3 seasons. If all other teams are easily finding stud coaches, how is that possible?
Where was it ever said that "other teams are easily finding stud coaches?"
Finding the right coach, or GM, is difficult at the best of times but when you limit your options you've just made it that much harder for yourself. Why would you do that? For cultural reasons? A losing culture isn't much a draw but if the intent is to have fans lose interest in the team, well, it seems to be working.
Yes, Timmins needs to go. As does Bergevin who, for unfathomable reasons, keeps him on the payroll.
And when the Canadiens go looking for MB's replacement (or their next coach), they should broaden their horizons. If you want the name of a stud GM (or coach) that's available, I can't give you one, francophone or anglophone. I'll leave it to others more informed than I to nominate their choices.
But if I were Molson I wouldn't automatically toss out the resumes that came from anglophone candidates. Hear them out, find out what strengths they would bring to the team. They might even be enough to overcome the enormous defect of being able to speak only English -- and to justify the expense of employing a Quebec-born interpreter until the new hire has learned enough French to speak in cliches.
After three decades of futility, the Canadiens need to consider all possibilities. Ridding themselves of a self-imposed disadvantage when recruiting top-notch personnel would be a good start.
And let me make clear from the outset if it isn't already obvious: IT WON'T BE EASY.
Better refs, fewer problems
(Nov. 13, 2021)
Really, it all comes down to the officiating, doesn't it? If it were any good -- competent, fair and consistent -- a lot of the dirty play would disappear. Players whose stay in the NHL is dependent on their not being called for every infraction they commit would have to adapt to rules being enforced in all instances.
A parade to the penalty box would occur, no doubt, for the first little while but were it to continue for an extended period one would have to question either the intelligence of constant offenders or their inability/unwillingness to play by the rules.
Hockey is unique among professions where the practice is to keep workers employed who routinely break the rules -- in many cases, on a weekly basis.
This turning a blind eye to bad behaviour that other employers wouldn't countenance is a convention that goes back more than a hundred years. Even the tradition of awarding a trophy to the player whose conduct on the ice is beyond reproach has failed to inspire reprobates to follow suit in any great number.
It might help in their rehabilitation if they were not allowed to leave the penalty box, even if they have served their time, without first making a small 'donation' to a worthy cause. The distribution of large print rule books at training camps comes to mind.
(Nov. 13, 2021)
Really, it all comes down to the officiating, doesn't it? If it were any good -- competent, fair and consistent -- a lot of the dirty play would disappear. Players whose stay in the NHL is dependent on their not being called for every infraction they commit would have to adapt to rules being enforced in all instances.
A parade to the penalty box would occur, no doubt, for the first little while but were it to continue for an extended period one would have to question either the intelligence of constant offenders or their inability/unwillingness to play by the rules.
Hockey is unique among professions where the practice is to keep workers employed who routinely break the rules -- in many cases, on a weekly basis.
This turning a blind eye to bad behaviour that other employers wouldn't countenance is a convention that goes back more than a hundred years. Even the tradition of awarding a trophy to the player whose conduct on the ice is beyond reproach has failed to inspire reprobates to follow suit in any great number.
It might help in their rehabilitation if they were not allowed to leave the penalty box, even if they have served their time, without first making a small 'donation' to a worthy cause. The distribution of large print rule books at training camps comes to mind.
Facts first, then commentary
(July 18, 2021)
For those citizens who distrust the news media – and without knowing why they consider their own sources of information more credible – newspapers desperate to hold onto their readership might want to publish "just the facts" and append informed commentary at the end.
The recitation of facts would make for dry reading. It would be left to the brief opinion piece attached to the reporting to provide context and to assign significance and portent.
Readers could quarrel with the interpretation but do so secure in the knowledge they were given the facts first. It would make clear the distinction between what is news and what is opinion, which many believe are conflated in articles.
If some readers insist not all the facts were presented, they would be obliged to furnish the missing data and explain by what means they acquired the absent details.
Reporters, in place of columnists, could offer their own interpretation, if they wish, but the demarcation would be clear, between what the facts are and what are the conclusions they've made.
Democracy suffers when citizens lack faith in those who claim to be impartial arbiters of what is real. Finding solutions to problems can't happen if people are unable to agree on the facts. Newspapers, despite their faults, have traditionally provided that means, and the country has been the beneficiary.
Mr. Blow is right: When faith in one pillar of democracy crumbles, the entire structure is at risk of collapsing as well.
(July 18, 2021)
For those citizens who distrust the news media – and without knowing why they consider their own sources of information more credible – newspapers desperate to hold onto their readership might want to publish "just the facts" and append informed commentary at the end.
The recitation of facts would make for dry reading. It would be left to the brief opinion piece attached to the reporting to provide context and to assign significance and portent.
Readers could quarrel with the interpretation but do so secure in the knowledge they were given the facts first. It would make clear the distinction between what is news and what is opinion, which many believe are conflated in articles.
If some readers insist not all the facts were presented, they would be obliged to furnish the missing data and explain by what means they acquired the absent details.
Reporters, in place of columnists, could offer their own interpretation, if they wish, but the demarcation would be clear, between what the facts are and what are the conclusions they've made.
Democracy suffers when citizens lack faith in those who claim to be impartial arbiters of what is real. Finding solutions to problems can't happen if people are unable to agree on the facts. Newspapers, despite their faults, have traditionally provided that means, and the country has been the beneficiary.
Mr. Blow is right: When faith in one pillar of democracy crumbles, the entire structure is at risk of collapsing as well.
Garbage and muck
(July 17, 2021)
The reason “a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes,” is because it filled truth's shoes with garbage and muck before it left.
(July 17, 2021)
The reason “a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes,” is because it filled truth's shoes with garbage and muck before it left.
The grass definitely won't be greener
(July 10)
Joel Bouchard of the Laval Rocket deciding to move on and become coach of Anaheim's farm team really is non-news. Coach leaves for greener pastures, er, burnt crisp hillsides. Happens tout les temps. A replacement of equal ability and similar experience who fulfills the language requirement will be found in short order. La vie continue. As will we. C'est ce que c'est. We must adapt. Ce qui sera sera.
California is no doubt a great place to call home. Now. I wonder if it will be as inviting in five years, what with droughts, rising temperatures, forest fires, and politics at the national level threatening to rip apart the union.
I was going to say two years but left open the possibility that, over a longer period, the drought will end, the temperatures fall, the forest fires stop, and politicians start working for Americans. No one who moved to the state this year would ever want to leave California if that were to happen.
(July 10)
Joel Bouchard of the Laval Rocket deciding to move on and become coach of Anaheim's farm team really is non-news. Coach leaves for greener pastures, er, burnt crisp hillsides. Happens tout les temps. A replacement of equal ability and similar experience who fulfills the language requirement will be found in short order. La vie continue. As will we. C'est ce que c'est. We must adapt. Ce qui sera sera.
California is no doubt a great place to call home. Now. I wonder if it will be as inviting in five years, what with droughts, rising temperatures, forest fires, and politics at the national level threatening to rip apart the union.
I was going to say two years but left open the possibility that, over a longer period, the drought will end, the temperatures fall, the forest fires stop, and politicians start working for Americans. No one who moved to the state this year would ever want to leave California if that were to happen.
Leaning on a Lightning bolt
(July 7, 2021)
Ideas for cartoons that encourage good thoughts about tonight's game:
Price, a la Dryden, leaning on a Lightning bolt
Angry Lightning players tossing Tampa mayor into bay as she babbles on: “Ooh, another loss. That means they WILL be back in Tampa to win the Cup in front of their fans! Yay!”
Tampa TV anchor intoning: “As if a hurricane wasn't bad enough, the Montreal Canadiens opened the floodgates tonight and defeated the Lightning 6-3.”
As he's about to join his teammates celebrating at centre ice, Price reaches back for his water container, the Stanley Cup.
More ideas for cartoons ...
MacLean to Bettman: "So, how do you like your eggs?"
Bettman caught on video by his Uber driver railing against the Canadiens making the Stanley Cup final and how it's hurting ratings
Casper and Forum ghosts in box seats watching the game, eating popcorn
(July 7, 2021)
Ideas for cartoons that encourage good thoughts about tonight's game:
Price, a la Dryden, leaning on a Lightning bolt
Angry Lightning players tossing Tampa mayor into bay as she babbles on: “Ooh, another loss. That means they WILL be back in Tampa to win the Cup in front of their fans! Yay!”
Tampa TV anchor intoning: “As if a hurricane wasn't bad enough, the Montreal Canadiens opened the floodgates tonight and defeated the Lightning 6-3.”
As he's about to join his teammates celebrating at centre ice, Price reaches back for his water container, the Stanley Cup.
More ideas for cartoons ...
MacLean to Bettman: "So, how do you like your eggs?"
Bettman caught on video by his Uber driver railing against the Canadiens making the Stanley Cup final and how it's hurting ratings
Casper and Forum ghosts in box seats watching the game, eating popcorn
More energetic engagement, please
(July 7, 2021)
Although both have shown instances of making good defensive plays during these playoffs, Suzuki in particular, Caufield especially needs to be more energetic in engaging opponents. I can understand his reluctance to become physical, and while I don't expect him to follow the examples of Gallagher and Byron in laying hits when the opportunity arises, he could apply more effort in disrupting an opponent's play.
You can't teach the natural skills he possesses but he should be able to use his body more without risking injury. It's not as if the other team's players won't hit him because he doesn't hit them.
To be clear, I wasn't suggesting Caufield throw his weight around, simply that he should use his body as a stumbling block when an opponent has the puck and the opportunity presents itself. I'm thinking, in particular, those occasions along the boards when he could have done more than use his stick to make a check. You don't have to be large to be an annoyance and fluster a rival, and you can do so without making yourself vulnerable.
It's a minor criticism, offered in full recognition of the offensive prowess he brings to the team.
(July 7, 2021)
Although both have shown instances of making good defensive plays during these playoffs, Suzuki in particular, Caufield especially needs to be more energetic in engaging opponents. I can understand his reluctance to become physical, and while I don't expect him to follow the examples of Gallagher and Byron in laying hits when the opportunity arises, he could apply more effort in disrupting an opponent's play.
You can't teach the natural skills he possesses but he should be able to use his body more without risking injury. It's not as if the other team's players won't hit him because he doesn't hit them.
To be clear, I wasn't suggesting Caufield throw his weight around, simply that he should use his body as a stumbling block when an opponent has the puck and the opportunity presents itself. I'm thinking, in particular, those occasions along the boards when he could have done more than use his stick to make a check. You don't have to be large to be an annoyance and fluster a rival, and you can do so without making yourself vulnerable.
It's a minor criticism, offered in full recognition of the offensive prowess he brings to the team.
Listen up, coach
(July 6, 2021)
What I would love to see: Gallagher being cross-checked -- no, not that part, but it is reality -- from behind by a Lightning defenceman, who's being cross-checked from behind by Anderson.
In fact, I would like to see any Hab forward, but especially the fourth line, going to the front of the Tampa net for the express purpose of cross-checking a defenceman, to establish territoriality.
And what would happen if Gallagher were to face his abusers as he stood his ground and not present his back as a target, apart from losing his teeth? Would the refs have the guts to call the cross-checking he routinely receives for the assault that it is?
Having finally heeded the counsel of fans in switching the third defensive pairing while showing a bit of independence in replacing Kotkaniemi with Evans, against our better judgment, Ducharme might want to consider our latest suggestion, that KK return to on-ice duties at the expense of Staal (or Toffoli).
I think we've established our credentials throughout these playoffs (starting with his reluctant insertion of KK and Caufield into the lineup after a public campaign that came close to including a petition).
If the coach fears he will be seen as being at the beck and call of ill-tempered, mercurial, quixotic advisors, I would suggest he provide us with his home number to facilitate our strategizing sessions by means of a conference call. I believe most of us are free this afternoon.
(July 6, 2021)
What I would love to see: Gallagher being cross-checked -- no, not that part, but it is reality -- from behind by a Lightning defenceman, who's being cross-checked from behind by Anderson.
In fact, I would like to see any Hab forward, but especially the fourth line, going to the front of the Tampa net for the express purpose of cross-checking a defenceman, to establish territoriality.
And what would happen if Gallagher were to face his abusers as he stood his ground and not present his back as a target, apart from losing his teeth? Would the refs have the guts to call the cross-checking he routinely receives for the assault that it is?
Having finally heeded the counsel of fans in switching the third defensive pairing while showing a bit of independence in replacing Kotkaniemi with Evans, against our better judgment, Ducharme might want to consider our latest suggestion, that KK return to on-ice duties at the expense of Staal (or Toffoli).
I think we've established our credentials throughout these playoffs (starting with his reluctant insertion of KK and Caufield into the lineup after a public campaign that came close to including a petition).
If the coach fears he will be seen as being at the beck and call of ill-tempered, mercurial, quixotic advisors, I would suggest he provide us with his home number to facilitate our strategizing sessions by means of a conference call. I believe most of us are free this afternoon.
Game 4 -- A heart-to-heart talk
(July 5, 2021)
There's no video but word's out that at the end of this morning's skate Ducharme led the team in a rousing rendition of 'You Gotta Have Heart'
Afterward, he had a heart-to-heart talk with Kotkaniemi, Gustafsson and Merrill and told them they wouldn't be playing.
When teams find themselves up against the wall, what do they usually do?
a.) Scratch their backs like bears do
b.) Wonder what that floral scent is on their blindfolds
c.) Curse their GM for not having acquired a GPS (Great Playoff Scorer)
d.) Rip the blindfolds off, pull out revolvers tucked in their gear, and mow down the opposition
e.) Take the time to thank their fans for all their supportI
It would be nice, although exceptional, if Anderson were ever to make a return pass, or a pass that presented a linemate with a scoring opportunity.
He needs to be told:
Running around hell-bent
Is not time well-spent
(July 5, 2021)
There's no video but word's out that at the end of this morning's skate Ducharme led the team in a rousing rendition of 'You Gotta Have Heart'
Afterward, he had a heart-to-heart talk with Kotkaniemi, Gustafsson and Merrill and told them they wouldn't be playing.
When teams find themselves up against the wall, what do they usually do?
a.) Scratch their backs like bears do
b.) Wonder what that floral scent is on their blindfolds
c.) Curse their GM for not having acquired a GPS (Great Playoff Scorer)
d.) Rip the blindfolds off, pull out revolvers tucked in their gear, and mow down the opposition
e.) Take the time to thank their fans for all their supportI
It would be nice, although exceptional, if Anderson were ever to make a return pass, or a pass that presented a linemate with a scoring opportunity.
He needs to be told:
Running around hell-bent
Is not time well-spent
Time for Plan B, perchance
(July 1, 2021)
If, perchance, the Lightning were to score the first goal again tomorrow night -- for the third game in a row! -- thereby sealing the game's outcome -- another Tampa victory -- I would hope Ducharme calls a timeout and tells his troops" "Okay, boys, it's Plan B from here on in."
Plan B being Plan Bash, as in hit everything in sight (wearing a LIghtning uniform), for the express purpose of softening up the opposition for Game Four, when Montreal resumes its miraculous run to a Stanley Cup victory.
Habs would stop worrying about scoring and spend the rest of Game Three punishing their foes physically -- within the rules -- to the point that several key members of the visitors would be placed on SCIR (Stanley Cup Injury Reserve).
Which Tampa wouldn't mind because it would help with the salary cap (SCIR). I could be wrong.
Anyways, it's the sort of game Anderson would love to play, and his teammates, too, being the perpetrators of violence -- within lightly administered rules) -- rather than its victims. I wouldn't be surprised if Price threw a few hip checks behind the net.
Yes, conceivably, it could result in a lopsided loss but that would be a temporary setback that sets the stage for an extraordinary comeback.
The championship wouldn't end up being 'This, the year' for the Canadiens but 'A Year for the Ages'.
I'm getting all goosebumpy just thinking about it.
Sure, the Canadiens got off to a rocky start against Ivan Drago Vasilevskiy and the Lightning but I got faith in the team.
Remember: "Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.”
The Habs will not be broken.
(July 1, 2021)
If, perchance, the Lightning were to score the first goal again tomorrow night -- for the third game in a row! -- thereby sealing the game's outcome -- another Tampa victory -- I would hope Ducharme calls a timeout and tells his troops" "Okay, boys, it's Plan B from here on in."
Plan B being Plan Bash, as in hit everything in sight (wearing a LIghtning uniform), for the express purpose of softening up the opposition for Game Four, when Montreal resumes its miraculous run to a Stanley Cup victory.
Habs would stop worrying about scoring and spend the rest of Game Three punishing their foes physically -- within the rules -- to the point that several key members of the visitors would be placed on SCIR (Stanley Cup Injury Reserve).
Which Tampa wouldn't mind because it would help with the salary cap (SCIR). I could be wrong.
Anyways, it's the sort of game Anderson would love to play, and his teammates, too, being the perpetrators of violence -- within lightly administered rules) -- rather than its victims. I wouldn't be surprised if Price threw a few hip checks behind the net.
Yes, conceivably, it could result in a lopsided loss but that would be a temporary setback that sets the stage for an extraordinary comeback.
The championship wouldn't end up being 'This, the year' for the Canadiens but 'A Year for the Ages'.
I'm getting all goosebumpy just thinking about it.
Sure, the Canadiens got off to a rocky start against Ivan Drago Vasilevskiy and the Lightning but I got faith in the team.
Remember: "Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.”
The Habs will not be broken.
Skating in a tunnel
(July 1, 2021)
Josh Anderson should also learn how to pass. In fact, he should learn to LOOK to make a pass.
It's as if he's skating in a tunnel and the light at the end is either a net or an opponent.
(July 1, 2021)
Josh Anderson should also learn how to pass. In fact, he should learn to LOOK to make a pass.
It's as if he's skating in a tunnel and the light at the end is either a net or an opponent.
With glowing hearts
(July 1, 2021)
Today is Canada Day (Cheers!).
Tomorrow's is the Canadiens.
With glowing hearts may we see them rise up from the hole that they've dug for themselves with poor decision-making.
It played a pivotal role in their losing last night. Unfortunately. They were clearly the better team -- except when it came to scoring.
Still, even though Андрей Андреевич Василевский was proving as difficult to beat in net as it is to say his name in Russian, I didn't grow dejected because the team was playing so well. Especially in the second period. I began to envision the game going into overtime, when Montreal would have a very good chance of tying the series.
And then came the play when the safest move, the smartest move would have been to hang onto the puck until time expired. It was never going to be a case of springing a Hab free on a breakaway. The Lightning aren't that dumb.
So, as much as I appreciated the Canadiens' effort, and believe they can get the better of Tampa, there remains this nagging doubt that one of the players will make a critical mistake, and undo the hard work of his teammates.
And Price no longer seems capable of pulling off the miraculous saves that keep his team from getting burned. The second goal he gave up was a brilliant stop in the first three series.
Yes, Montreal can win tomorrow at home and even go on to tie the series but it will need to play flawless hockey it seems. Can any team do that for 60 minutes? Four games in a row?
Gawd, I hope the answer's yes.
(July 1, 2021)
Today is Canada Day (Cheers!).
Tomorrow's is the Canadiens.
With glowing hearts may we see them rise up from the hole that they've dug for themselves with poor decision-making.
It played a pivotal role in their losing last night. Unfortunately. They were clearly the better team -- except when it came to scoring.
Still, even though Андрей Андреевич Василевский was proving as difficult to beat in net as it is to say his name in Russian, I didn't grow dejected because the team was playing so well. Especially in the second period. I began to envision the game going into overtime, when Montreal would have a very good chance of tying the series.
And then came the play when the safest move, the smartest move would have been to hang onto the puck until time expired. It was never going to be a case of springing a Hab free on a breakaway. The Lightning aren't that dumb.
So, as much as I appreciated the Canadiens' effort, and believe they can get the better of Tampa, there remains this nagging doubt that one of the players will make a critical mistake, and undo the hard work of his teammates.
And Price no longer seems capable of pulling off the miraculous saves that keep his team from getting burned. The second goal he gave up was a brilliant stop in the first three series.
Yes, Montreal can win tomorrow at home and even go on to tie the series but it will need to play flawless hockey it seems. Can any team do that for 60 minutes? Four games in a row?
Gawd, I hope the answer's yes.
The battle is joined
(June 29, 2021)
Before the game, fans were handed souvenir plastic cups with Cooper's face on them. They call 'em smugs.
I'd be ecstatic if Gallagher's output this series maxed out at three (OT) goals
Diving is repellent and should be discouraged (when was the last embellishment penalty handed out?). But players have come to realize referees often require theatrics as a signal that a foul has been committed and officials are to respond accordingly by issuing a penalty.
Perhaps the practice should be when these instances arise is for the referees to give the offender four minutes for the actual infraction, half of which would be offset by a two-minute embelishment call against the player who thought so little of the referees' competence to mete out justice that the crime needed to be staged.
I didn't see the foul against Gallagher, having waved the white flag before then, but you're right in saying he regularly suffers abuse for which his assailants deserve time in the penalty box but too often don't. It's as if referees have a bias against small players who are annoying (to their opponents).
I didn't stick around to see the end of the game.
Did Richardson put out his second unit for the penalty kill, signaling he expected Cooper to do the same?
Regardless, any motivation Montreal can take away from this game, beyond the humbling that comes with losing badly, is to be seized upon, and if the coaching staff can somehow work that PP goal into spurring the troops to work harder and play smarter, all the better.
(June 29, 2021)
Before the game, fans were handed souvenir plastic cups with Cooper's face on them. They call 'em smugs.
I'd be ecstatic if Gallagher's output this series maxed out at three (OT) goals
Diving is repellent and should be discouraged (when was the last embellishment penalty handed out?). But players have come to realize referees often require theatrics as a signal that a foul has been committed and officials are to respond accordingly by issuing a penalty.
Perhaps the practice should be when these instances arise is for the referees to give the offender four minutes for the actual infraction, half of which would be offset by a two-minute embelishment call against the player who thought so little of the referees' competence to mete out justice that the crime needed to be staged.
I didn't see the foul against Gallagher, having waved the white flag before then, but you're right in saying he regularly suffers abuse for which his assailants deserve time in the penalty box but too often don't. It's as if referees have a bias against small players who are annoying (to their opponents).
I didn't stick around to see the end of the game.
Did Richardson put out his second unit for the penalty kill, signaling he expected Cooper to do the same?
Regardless, any motivation Montreal can take away from this game, beyond the humbling that comes with losing badly, is to be seized upon, and if the coaching staff can somehow work that PP goal into spurring the troops to work harder and play smarter, all the better.
Armia out? Good grief!
(June 27, 2021)
Armia out for the series!!!
By any chance, did the Department of Player Safety conduct the testing, and will Bettman stop at nothing to prevent the Cup from coming back to Canada?
The Chris Lee maneuver didn't do the trick -- the sabotage was so blatant that the public backlash forced the league to back off -- so the NHL has to resort to less obvious underhanded measures.
Don't be surprised if Suzuki's positive COVID-19 test result arrives at the Habs bench midway through the second period tomorrow night with the Canadiens ahead.
(June 27, 2021)
Armia out for the series!!!
By any chance, did the Department of Player Safety conduct the testing, and will Bettman stop at nothing to prevent the Cup from coming back to Canada?
The Chris Lee maneuver didn't do the trick -- the sabotage was so blatant that the public backlash forced the league to back off -- so the NHL has to resort to less obvious underhanded measures.
Don't be surprised if Suzuki's positive COVID-19 test result arrives at the Habs bench midway through the second period tomorrow night with the Canadiens ahead.
Pretty, pretty please
(June 26, 2021)
Dom/Luke, will you agree to put Romanov back in and take Gustafsson out to start the series?
Pretty, pretty please.
I'm sure he can pass the puck back to the last guy on the power play as well as the veteran can.
And I'm also certain he'll throw a body check or three along the way on other shifts.
Ohhhhh, I'm sorry, that was your plan all along? Let him watch most of the playoffs while opponents wore themselves out banging each other, and then insert a fresh pair of legs (hips and shoulders) in the final to inflict some real hurt on bodies already hurting?
Sweeeeeet!
Hey, that's why you guys are there and I'm here, helping you out as best I can with some shrewd counsel so you can feel confident about your decisionsl.
I'm really glad we're on the same page as we co-author the newest chapter, No. 25 -- The Covid Cup -- for the storied franchise.
BTW, any chance I can get a ticket?
(June 26, 2021)
Dom/Luke, will you agree to put Romanov back in and take Gustafsson out to start the series?
Pretty, pretty please.
I'm sure he can pass the puck back to the last guy on the power play as well as the veteran can.
And I'm also certain he'll throw a body check or three along the way on other shifts.
Ohhhhh, I'm sorry, that was your plan all along? Let him watch most of the playoffs while opponents wore themselves out banging each other, and then insert a fresh pair of legs (hips and shoulders) in the final to inflict some real hurt on bodies already hurting?
Sweeeeeet!
Hey, that's why you guys are there and I'm here, helping you out as best I can with some shrewd counsel so you can feel confident about your decisionsl.
I'm really glad we're on the same page as we co-author the newest chapter, No. 25 -- The Covid Cup -- for the storied franchise.
BTW, any chance I can get a ticket?
Underdog unappreciated
(June 26, 2021)
Bergevin has been under fire for the last three seasons so it's nice to see sales of his Underdog doll in a red suit are going through the roof. Some have speculated the U actually stands for Unappreciated or Underestimated but if the Habs come through with a Stanley Cup win, we'll all agree it stands for "U da man!"
(June 26, 2021)
Bergevin has been under fire for the last three seasons so it's nice to see sales of his Underdog doll in a red suit are going through the roof. Some have speculated the U actually stands for Unappreciated or Underestimated but if the Habs come through with a Stanley Cup win, we'll all agree it stands for "U da man!"
Playoff chatter
(June 23, 2021)
Chris Lee's continued employment confirms the notion that the NHL has made the Peter Principle its practice in the hiring of officials and the awarding of plum assignments in the playoffs.
Why are we even discussing the future? Have we not enough to occupy our considerable minds now, however great we might be at multi-tasking and multi-tsking?
We need to be laser-focused on getting the Habs into the final and then helping them prepare to lose respectably against the Lightning in four straight. Anything less is a slap in the face of the Canadiens, who, I assure you, have not spent any time thinking about our careers and our ambitions. They have their priorities straight. Our prayers and our thoughts should be with them.
Conjecture about Bergevin's status, the team's prospects for next season, the sexual preferences of certain players, who would look good in a Kraken uniform, etc -- set all that chatter aside until after the playoffs. When we'll be looking for stuff to talk about other than draft picks and trade possibilities.
Refs wear stripes for a reason
(June 17, 2021)
Every pre-season teams hold training camps to put together a roster and to prepare for eight months of battle.
Speculation abounds as to who will make team or remain in the lineup. Only the most deserving are given the nod.
Does the NHL have a similar process for weeding out poor-performing officials, but is unique in then choosing to retain the chaff?
Referees wear stripes for a reason; most are criminally incompetent.
It's hard to say which is more impaired -- their vision or their judgment.
It's odd to see individuals who saw officiating as their calling end up calling so few penalties. Plenty more could be handed out each game but they choose to swallow their whistle instead. Which helps explain why they choke so often when the stakes are high.
Edmundson being boarded last night was the most egregious example of a foul going unpunished. How could it have been missed?
Oh, right, it happened late in the contest when Vegas was pressing to tie the score and send the game into overtime. Mustn't impede the home team's chances of notching the equalizer and sending the fans into a frenzy. Good for viewer ratings, you know.
Just once I'd like to see referees called to account after a game when they are forced to face the media and answer for their performance.
It need only be one question if they're not up to handle intense scrutiny, the proviso being they are shown a replay, such as the hit on Edmundson, and then asked to explain themselves.
You see, it could be we're being too hard on the lads, and that we might see things differently if we were given the benefit of their wisdom.
We shouldn't deny them that opportunity any longer.
Their insights could prove helpful in giving us a new perspective.
There is a risk, though.
We might end up in need of a white cane and a drool bib.
(June 17, 2021)
Every pre-season teams hold training camps to put together a roster and to prepare for eight months of battle.
Speculation abounds as to who will make team or remain in the lineup. Only the most deserving are given the nod.
Does the NHL have a similar process for weeding out poor-performing officials, but is unique in then choosing to retain the chaff?
Referees wear stripes for a reason; most are criminally incompetent.
It's hard to say which is more impaired -- their vision or their judgment.
It's odd to see individuals who saw officiating as their calling end up calling so few penalties. Plenty more could be handed out each game but they choose to swallow their whistle instead. Which helps explain why they choke so often when the stakes are high.
Edmundson being boarded last night was the most egregious example of a foul going unpunished. How could it have been missed?
Oh, right, it happened late in the contest when Vegas was pressing to tie the score and send the game into overtime. Mustn't impede the home team's chances of notching the equalizer and sending the fans into a frenzy. Good for viewer ratings, you know.
Just once I'd like to see referees called to account after a game when they are forced to face the media and answer for their performance.
It need only be one question if they're not up to handle intense scrutiny, the proviso being they are shown a replay, such as the hit on Edmundson, and then asked to explain themselves.
You see, it could be we're being too hard on the lads, and that we might see things differently if we were given the benefit of their wisdom.
We shouldn't deny them that opportunity any longer.
Their insights could prove helpful in giving us a new perspective.
There is a risk, though.
We might end up in need of a white cane and a drool bib.
Dunno about Danault
(June 17, 2021)
I'd be ecstatic if Danault could turn himself into a Pierre Mondou, who, at his peak, scored 31 goals, added 41 assists, and finished +59 in 1978-79. He was a favourite of mine.
I am resigned to his being resigned. But if it's for long term and an exorbitant amount MB should resign.
Danault puts the O in offence.
Habs vs Knights
(June 17, 2021)
I hadn't realized until this series just how Lady Byngish the Knights are./
I'm glad Petry caught the red-eye special to make it to the game.
Or were his eyeballs blushing because of all the attention he was getting?
(June 17, 2021)
I'd be ecstatic if Danault could turn himself into a Pierre Mondou, who, at his peak, scored 31 goals, added 41 assists, and finished +59 in 1978-79. He was a favourite of mine.
I am resigned to his being resigned. But if it's for long term and an exorbitant amount MB should resign.
Danault puts the O in offence.
Habs vs Knights
(June 17, 2021)
I hadn't realized until this series just how Lady Byngish the Knights are./
I'm glad Petry caught the red-eye special to make it to the game.
Or were his eyeballs blushing because of all the attention he was getting?
The obvious best
(June 16, 2021)
Who's the best Canadien in team history? Ain't it obvious -- Le Gros Bill who provided Le Gros Thrills when I was growing up.
(June 16, 2021)
Who's the best Canadien in team history? Ain't it obvious -- Le Gros Bill who provided Le Gros Thrills when I was growing up.
Fans eat their words
(June 16, 2021)
Hab fans weren't giving their team much of a chance entering the playoffs, facing the Maple Leafs in the first round.
Having the Canadiens fall behind 3-1 in the series convinced them they were right to be pessimistic.
We're the worst.
Really, we're in
Over our heads.
Not looking good.
Gawd, we're hopeless.
The team made them eat their words.
(June 16, 2021)
Hab fans weren't giving their team much of a chance entering the playoffs, facing the Maple Leafs in the first round.
Having the Canadiens fall behind 3-1 in the series convinced them they were right to be pessimistic.
We're the worst.
Really, we're in
Over our heads.
Not looking good.
Gawd, we're hopeless.
The team made them eat their words.
Is this the year, a return to glory?
(June 11, 2021)
How can you not like a team's chances going into Vegas when the coach's nickname is Lucky? And he knows when best to play Ouelett.
I do not fear Vegas.
Which is understandable. I won't be playing them, the Habs will. Against all odds (what are they now BTW?)
From what I saw last night, Vegas plays a physical game, more than what the Leafs (remember them?) and Jets did, which could take its toll on the Canadiens, in excess of what they will exact in return, I suspect.
But I might be underselling Montreal's ability to sustain robust play, especially if the games go beyond five.
I'm looking forward to being euphorically surprised for the third series in a row.
(June 11, 2021)
How can you not like a team's chances going into Vegas when the coach's nickname is Lucky? And he knows when best to play Ouelett.
I do not fear Vegas.
Which is understandable. I won't be playing them, the Habs will. Against all odds (what are they now BTW?)
From what I saw last night, Vegas plays a physical game, more than what the Leafs (remember them?) and Jets did, which could take its toll on the Canadiens, in excess of what they will exact in return, I suspect.
But I might be underselling Montreal's ability to sustain robust play, especially if the games go beyond five.
I'm looking forward to being euphorically surprised for the third series in a row.
Bent out of shape
(June 11, 2021)
Biden's infrastructure program should include funding for new guardrails. The old ones have been bent out of shape protecting democracy.
(June 11, 2021)
Biden's infrastructure program should include funding for new guardrails. The old ones have been bent out of shape protecting democracy.
Jaded they grow so jostle you must
(June 9, 2021)
It is a well-known fact that referees grow jaded after many years of officiating and become desensitized to the harm done others. To break through their fog of indifference and trigger a response appropriate to the occasion, players will sometimes resort to amplifying the effects of the foul committed against them to catch --and hold -- a referee's attention.
It's unfortunate that shameless histrionics are required to ensure justice is dispensed but such is the sad state of refereeing these days.
Perhaps if officials were 'incidentally' jostled or clipped in the course of a game it would keep them vigilant so that no offence ever goes unpunished.
(June 9, 2021)
It is a well-known fact that referees grow jaded after many years of officiating and become desensitized to the harm done others. To break through their fog of indifference and trigger a response appropriate to the occasion, players will sometimes resort to amplifying the effects of the foul committed against them to catch --and hold -- a referee's attention.
It's unfortunate that shameless histrionics are required to ensure justice is dispensed but such is the sad state of refereeing these days.
Perhaps if officials were 'incidentally' jostled or clipped in the course of a game it would keep them vigilant so that no offence ever goes unpunished.
What they waiting for?
(June 5, 2021)
UATs (Unexplained Aerial Thingamabobs) have been (non)buzzing around Earth for decades and still haven't made contact, ie, send out press releases, hold news conferences, go on Twitter, etc.
What are they waiting for? We really couldn't fend off an attack if they chose to do so, even if one nation's populace is armed to the teeth.
If it's scientific research I can't believe they need more data. Seventy years of monitoring television should tell them everything they need to know about us. And give them good reason not to hang around.
Unless ... unless ... unless they're filming World's Funniest Videos for the ... folks? ... back home!
And the abductions? Probably for retakes.
(June 5, 2021)
UATs (Unexplained Aerial Thingamabobs) have been (non)buzzing around Earth for decades and still haven't made contact, ie, send out press releases, hold news conferences, go on Twitter, etc.
What are they waiting for? We really couldn't fend off an attack if they chose to do so, even if one nation's populace is armed to the teeth.
If it's scientific research I can't believe they need more data. Seventy years of monitoring television should tell them everything they need to know about us. And give them good reason not to hang around.
Unless ... unless ... unless they're filming World's Funniest Videos for the ... folks? ... back home!
And the abductions? Probably for retakes.
So Maurice says Scheifele's hit on Evans was “clean” but “heavy, heavy” and certainly wasn't dirty because his feet didn't leave the ice and his arms were tucked in.
Sounds to me like he's taking a swipe at the refs for giving his player a five-minute major for charging. Doesn't he deserve a big fine for calling into question the integrity of the officials.
Also, Paul, it was charging, you know, when a player takes a run at another – a run, not a nudge – where momentum alone can do damage, even if your arms are tucked in and you don't leave your feet.
In an ideal world – the kind we all should aim for – Scheifele gets a five-game sentence – and Maurice is given a “heavy, heavy” fine for speaking out of turn.
Sounds to me like he's taking a swipe at the refs for giving his player a five-minute major for charging. Doesn't he deserve a big fine for calling into question the integrity of the officials.
Also, Paul, it was charging, you know, when a player takes a run at another – a run, not a nudge – where momentum alone can do damage, even if your arms are tucked in and you don't leave your feet.
In an ideal world – the kind we all should aim for – Scheifele gets a five-game sentence – and Maurice is given a “heavy, heavy” fine for speaking out of turn.
Habs take 2-0 series lead: woohoo!
(June 5, 2021)
Price keeps this up, they'll start calling him the Undertaker.
He's put the Jets in a hole and with two more wins, he'll bury 'em
To my mind it wasn't a dull game. It was workmanlike -- "characterized by the skill and efficiency typical of a good workman" -- as in, "Man, those four lines, 6D and one goalie did good work."
Held scoreless the Jets shot themselves in the foot by shooting themselves in the foot, back, hand ...
Last night's win by the Canadiens showed you don't need to know the words of a lullaby to play a team to rest. All you have to do is ho-hum it. I'm hoping it was sweep-inducing.
There's this cockamamie notion that Kotkaniemi isn't a playmaker but I've seen him make many a pass that generated a great scoring opportunity for a teammate. But he might have come to the same conclusion others have that Anderson has lost his scoring touch. There was one instance last night where he chose to shoot when the wiser option might have been to slip the puck over to Anderson who was in a better position to take a shot.
As for Dubois -- Cassie Campbell's analysis aside -- he's been a non-factor -- just like Anderson. Maybe they need their coaches to make like Tortorella to 'motivate' them out of their funk.
(June 5, 2021)
Price keeps this up, they'll start calling him the Undertaker.
He's put the Jets in a hole and with two more wins, he'll bury 'em
To my mind it wasn't a dull game. It was workmanlike -- "characterized by the skill and efficiency typical of a good workman" -- as in, "Man, those four lines, 6D and one goalie did good work."
Held scoreless the Jets shot themselves in the foot by shooting themselves in the foot, back, hand ...
Last night's win by the Canadiens showed you don't need to know the words of a lullaby to play a team to rest. All you have to do is ho-hum it. I'm hoping it was sweep-inducing.
There's this cockamamie notion that Kotkaniemi isn't a playmaker but I've seen him make many a pass that generated a great scoring opportunity for a teammate. But he might have come to the same conclusion others have that Anderson has lost his scoring touch. There was one instance last night where he chose to shoot when the wiser option might have been to slip the puck over to Anderson who was in a better position to take a shot.
As for Dubois -- Cassie Campbell's analysis aside -- he's been a non-factor -- just like Anderson. Maybe they need their coaches to make like Tortorella to 'motivate' them out of their funk.
If only Evans had kept his head up, eh?
(June 3, 2021)
"Honestly did you guys really expect Scheifele to let up on that play?? "
It happened too fast to expect anything.
But if the incident was presented as a scenario, yes, I would expect the player not to collide with the opponent at full steam with the obvious intent of punishing the victim rather than preventing a goal, as a stick poke was the better option. I can think of hundreds of players who would not do what Scheifele did. There are easily more than a dozen on the Canadiens, and I suspect, the Jets as well.
The league is a joke when it comes to enforcing the rules and disciplining players who have crossed the line. But I would hope, and I expect, that it has not sunk so low that we can expect players to be slashed, cross-checked to the head, blindsided or slewfooted after every time they score a goal.
Why do you even make the point that Evans exposed himself to a vicious hit? Chances are had he looked up he still would have got pounded, it happened so fast, and Evans didn't have much time to prepare himself for an assault officials deemed a five-minute charging major.
What's your argument, then, that Scheifele should get suspended but not as much had Evans been looking?
That hit was coming no matter what, because Scheifele was bent on doing harm.
The focus should be on the assailant. I don't know that a defence lawyer would mitigate his client's sentence after a conviction by saying the victim was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the law should take due notice of his/her poor judgment.
(June 3, 2021)
"Honestly did you guys really expect Scheifele to let up on that play?? "
It happened too fast to expect anything.
But if the incident was presented as a scenario, yes, I would expect the player not to collide with the opponent at full steam with the obvious intent of punishing the victim rather than preventing a goal, as a stick poke was the better option. I can think of hundreds of players who would not do what Scheifele did. There are easily more than a dozen on the Canadiens, and I suspect, the Jets as well.
The league is a joke when it comes to enforcing the rules and disciplining players who have crossed the line. But I would hope, and I expect, that it has not sunk so low that we can expect players to be slashed, cross-checked to the head, blindsided or slewfooted after every time they score a goal.
Why do you even make the point that Evans exposed himself to a vicious hit? Chances are had he looked up he still would have got pounded, it happened so fast, and Evans didn't have much time to prepare himself for an assault officials deemed a five-minute charging major.
What's your argument, then, that Scheifele should get suspended but not as much had Evans been looking?
That hit was coming no matter what, because Scheifele was bent on doing harm.
The focus should be on the assailant. I don't know that a defence lawyer would mitigate his client's sentence after a conviction by saying the victim was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the law should take due notice of his/her poor judgment.
Water, water ev-- where did it go?
(June 1, 2021)
Trickle-down economics, as a theory, doesn't hold water.
Neither does climate change -- in a real sense.
Where water once flowed it's slowed down to a trickle.
A resource so abused can no longer provide.
And divining rods and rainmakers won't make it magically appear in abundance.
Science might come up with some answers but the problem is so vast that life will never be the same.
Compromises will have to be made to accommodate the new reality but, given the state of the world, those won't be achieved easily, if at all.
It's yet another cause for worry about what the future holds.
It definitely doesn't include water as we've known it.
(June 1, 2021)
Trickle-down economics, as a theory, doesn't hold water.
Neither does climate change -- in a real sense.
Where water once flowed it's slowed down to a trickle.
A resource so abused can no longer provide.
And divining rods and rainmakers won't make it magically appear in abundance.
Science might come up with some answers but the problem is so vast that life will never be the same.
Compromises will have to be made to accommodate the new reality but, given the state of the world, those won't be achieved easily, if at all.
It's yet another cause for worry about what the future holds.
It definitely doesn't include water as we've known it.
Coming up short on a long weekend
(May 6 24, 2021)
Stunned Edmonton Oilers fans have launched a desperate “Stop the Steal” campaign online but they may learn to their dismay tonight in Winnipeg that claiming their team is superior to the Jets was a “Big Lie.”
If that happens Edmonton's oil drop logo will turn into a tear drop.
Phil Mickelson winning the PGA Championship at age 50 to become the oldest major champion in golf history gives Hab fans hope that the Montreal Canadiens will win the Cup with Eric Staal (36), Corey Perry (36) and Shea Weber (35).
Or, at the very least, win another game.
The Toronto Blue Jays lost 6-4 Sunday with a relief pitcher offering no relief, sending a runner home three times with the bases loaded. It was one of those rare instances when a walk and a run mean the same thing.
You slap a wig on any of the Easter Island heads and – voila! -- you've got a bust of Republican congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.
(May 6 24, 2021)
Stunned Edmonton Oilers fans have launched a desperate “Stop the Steal” campaign online but they may learn to their dismay tonight in Winnipeg that claiming their team is superior to the Jets was a “Big Lie.”
If that happens Edmonton's oil drop logo will turn into a tear drop.
Phil Mickelson winning the PGA Championship at age 50 to become the oldest major champion in golf history gives Hab fans hope that the Montreal Canadiens will win the Cup with Eric Staal (36), Corey Perry (36) and Shea Weber (35).
Or, at the very least, win another game.
The Toronto Blue Jays lost 6-4 Sunday with a relief pitcher offering no relief, sending a runner home three times with the bases loaded. It was one of those rare instances when a walk and a run mean the same thing.
You slap a wig on any of the Easter Island heads and – voila! -- you've got a bust of Republican congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.
"What's tempest in a TVspot?"
(May 17, 2021)
Yikes, a group of former Jeopardy contestants launched "a social media firestorm" last month when they accused a contestant of having used a hand gesture favoured by white supremacists after winning his third contest.
In looking at the evidence I might be willing to believe hate was at the root of his odd way of signing a three -- I would have used my thumb and next two fingers -- if he had started out with using the middle finger after his first win and then the two-fingered eye poke for the second.
But he didn't and any lingering suspicion would have gone out the window had he won a fourth time and used the Vulcan salute to mark the victory..
Speaking of Jeopardy, has a permanent host been chosen yet?
If not, I nominate fellow Canadian Yannick Bisson to take up the mantle once worn by our compatriot, Alex Trebek.
As the star and title character of the CBC series, Murdoch Mysteries, Bisson plays someone with a deep love of learning who calmly goes about his job solving crime. I'm sure he could project the same level of professionalism as the host of Jeopardy. He even looks like a younger version of Trebek -- or could pass as his nephew.
(May 17, 2021)
Yikes, a group of former Jeopardy contestants launched "a social media firestorm" last month when they accused a contestant of having used a hand gesture favoured by white supremacists after winning his third contest.
In looking at the evidence I might be willing to believe hate was at the root of his odd way of signing a three -- I would have used my thumb and next two fingers -- if he had started out with using the middle finger after his first win and then the two-fingered eye poke for the second.
But he didn't and any lingering suspicion would have gone out the window had he won a fourth time and used the Vulcan salute to mark the victory..
Speaking of Jeopardy, has a permanent host been chosen yet?
If not, I nominate fellow Canadian Yannick Bisson to take up the mantle once worn by our compatriot, Alex Trebek.
As the star and title character of the CBC series, Murdoch Mysteries, Bisson plays someone with a deep love of learning who calmly goes about his job solving crime. I'm sure he could project the same level of professionalism as the host of Jeopardy. He even looks like a younger version of Trebek -- or could pass as his nephew.
A nice place to visit but ...
May 13
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/13/opinion/ufos-aliens-space.html
Earth is naturally on the list of places to visit for space travelers.
No other world in the universe is so dense with werewolves, vampires, zombies and ghosts, not to mention monsters of the deep.
The reason we humans get picked up by aliens to probe is to reveal what kind of prey those creatures feast on.
There are other theories, of course ...
(BTW, I firmly believe we are not alone and hope to see irrefutable evidence of that presented to humankind before I pass -- so long as the extra-terrestrials have benign reasons for making contact. Anything else and I would be sooooo disappointed.)
May 13
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/13/opinion/ufos-aliens-space.html
Earth is naturally on the list of places to visit for space travelers.
No other world in the universe is so dense with werewolves, vampires, zombies and ghosts, not to mention monsters of the deep.
The reason we humans get picked up by aliens to probe is to reveal what kind of prey those creatures feast on.
There are other theories, of course ...
(BTW, I firmly believe we are not alone and hope to see irrefutable evidence of that presented to humankind before I pass -- so long as the extra-terrestrials have benign reasons for making contact. Anything else and I would be sooooo disappointed.)
All things Cole Caulfield
(May 5, 2021)
Hab fans really hope Caulfield does over time what he does in overtime: score big goals.
Caulfield comes up big when the periods are as short as he is.
Caulfield's nickname should be OT.
It's the same as Corey Perry's but his stands for OldTimer.
(May 5, 2021)
Hab fans really hope Caulfield does over time what he does in overtime: score big goals.
Caulfield comes up big when the periods are as short as he is.
Caulfield's nickname should be OT.
It's the same as Corey Perry's but his stands for OldTimer.
Canadiens make trades to mollify critics
(April 3, 2021)
The Montreal Canadiens have traded away four of their most criticized players for draft picks to satisfy their fans.
General manager Marc Bergevin said the four players – Victor Mete, Paul Byron, Joel Armia and Artturi Lehkonen - “were good in the room, but not in the eyes of most of our fans.”
“The constant haranguing was proving a distraction for interim coach Dominique Ducharme whose decision-making was being called into question every time he played them,” he said. “It was beginning to undermine his confidence.”
Bergevin made his move even though the team is on a three-game winning streak and Lehkonen scored in a 4-0 win over the Edmonton Oilers on Tuesday while Byron notched the Canadiens' league-leading eighth shorthanded goal in a 4-1 victory over the Ottawa Senators on Thursday. Mete was a plus-2 in the same contest, and has never finished a season in the minus column.
Armia is still sidelined because of COVID-19 protocols.
“The time to act was while their trading value was high,” Bergevin declared.
The Canadiens collected third-round picks from the Boston Bruins (for Armia), New York Rangers (Byron) and St. Louis Blues (Lehkonen) in 2022, and a second-round pick from the Chicago Blackhawks (Mete) in 2023 (it becomes a first-round pick if Chicago wins the Stanley Cup in the next two years).
Bergevin said removing the four players from the roster “leaves the fans with hardly anyone to complain about” -- apart from the “two mastadons in the room,” team captain Shea Weber and netminder Carey Price, whose contracts make it difficult to send them anywhere.
They'll continue to draw their share of criticism but the GM said “having two players on a team who are the target of fans' scorn is a manageable number and goes with the territory.”
“If I'm not being criticized it means I'm not doing my job.”
But there's one other player still with the team who could bring him grief. Jonathan Drouin has two goals in 33 games, none in the past 14 – statistics worthy of fan ire.
But Bergevin isn't worried. Drouin is also one of only two Quebec-born players on the team, Phillip Danault being the other, “so that provides a level of immunity from criticism from the fans who really count,” he said.
Surprisingly, some fans weren't happy with the GM's moves.
“We can't criticize Drouin and Danault, it's no use complaining about Weber and Price, so who are we going to whine about now?” said one. “This puts us in a real bind. We need a scapegoat.”
Eric Staal, the team's newest acquisition, could be the answer. If he doesn't score two goals in his first game and isn't a plus-3, “he might be our man,” the fan said.
(April 3, 2021)
The Montreal Canadiens have traded away four of their most criticized players for draft picks to satisfy their fans.
General manager Marc Bergevin said the four players – Victor Mete, Paul Byron, Joel Armia and Artturi Lehkonen - “were good in the room, but not in the eyes of most of our fans.”
“The constant haranguing was proving a distraction for interim coach Dominique Ducharme whose decision-making was being called into question every time he played them,” he said. “It was beginning to undermine his confidence.”
Bergevin made his move even though the team is on a three-game winning streak and Lehkonen scored in a 4-0 win over the Edmonton Oilers on Tuesday while Byron notched the Canadiens' league-leading eighth shorthanded goal in a 4-1 victory over the Ottawa Senators on Thursday. Mete was a plus-2 in the same contest, and has never finished a season in the minus column.
Armia is still sidelined because of COVID-19 protocols.
“The time to act was while their trading value was high,” Bergevin declared.
The Canadiens collected third-round picks from the Boston Bruins (for Armia), New York Rangers (Byron) and St. Louis Blues (Lehkonen) in 2022, and a second-round pick from the Chicago Blackhawks (Mete) in 2023 (it becomes a first-round pick if Chicago wins the Stanley Cup in the next two years).
Bergevin said removing the four players from the roster “leaves the fans with hardly anyone to complain about” -- apart from the “two mastadons in the room,” team captain Shea Weber and netminder Carey Price, whose contracts make it difficult to send them anywhere.
They'll continue to draw their share of criticism but the GM said “having two players on a team who are the target of fans' scorn is a manageable number and goes with the territory.”
“If I'm not being criticized it means I'm not doing my job.”
But there's one other player still with the team who could bring him grief. Jonathan Drouin has two goals in 33 games, none in the past 14 – statistics worthy of fan ire.
But Bergevin isn't worried. Drouin is also one of only two Quebec-born players on the team, Phillip Danault being the other, “so that provides a level of immunity from criticism from the fans who really count,” he said.
Surprisingly, some fans weren't happy with the GM's moves.
“We can't criticize Drouin and Danault, it's no use complaining about Weber and Price, so who are we going to whine about now?” said one. “This puts us in a real bind. We need a scapegoat.”
Eric Staal, the team's newest acquisition, could be the answer. If he doesn't score two goals in his first game and isn't a plus-3, “he might be our man,” the fan said.
Abundance of caution or surfeit of fear?
(March 22, 2021)
Hmmmm, the Canadiens' game against the Oilers tonight was postponed after Jesperi Kotkaniemi and Joel Armia were placed on the NHL’s COVID Protocol Related Absences list. Seems perfectly legit -- but what if the team was trying to dodge a faster than speeding bullet who wears 97 and leads the league with 60 points?
McDavid is greased lightnin' quick
He's an Oiler so, of course, he is slick
He's a pain in the neck
So to keep him in check
We've cancelled the game – 'so no one gets sick'
It's a temporary reprieve. The teams are scheduled to play Wednesday and Friday as part of a three-game set at the Bell Centre. No reason to think McDavid won't suit up ... unless there's a series of unfortunate events.
(March 22, 2021)
Hmmmm, the Canadiens' game against the Oilers tonight was postponed after Jesperi Kotkaniemi and Joel Armia were placed on the NHL’s COVID Protocol Related Absences list. Seems perfectly legit -- but what if the team was trying to dodge a faster than speeding bullet who wears 97 and leads the league with 60 points?
McDavid is greased lightnin' quick
He's an Oiler so, of course, he is slick
He's a pain in the neck
So to keep him in check
We've cancelled the game – 'so no one gets sick'
It's a temporary reprieve. The teams are scheduled to play Wednesday and Friday as part of a three-game set at the Bell Centre. No reason to think McDavid won't suit up ... unless there's a series of unfortunate events.
From the vault: Verbal diarrhea and its remedy
(June 15, 2012)
For those who are missing their Hockey Night in Canada fix, let’s catch up with what one of their star performers is doing these days:
“Hello, my name is PJ Stock and I’m a spokesman for Depend protective underwear. They’re for people who suffer from incontinence. I don’t, because I’m young and didn’t let myself go to pot.
However, I DO suffer from another problem: verbal diarrhea. Sure, VD got me a job on Hockey Night In Canada but running off at the mouth has also got me into trouble away from the camera, with friends, family, airline staff, cab drivers, hotel employees, waiters, the list goes on.
I admit it. I talk too much. What’s worst, I have nothing intelligent to say but does that stop me? No.
Now I’m not the only person on Hockey Night in Canada – in fact, in all of Canada – to suffer from what’s become a rampant social affliction but those days are about to end, thanks to the makers of Depend. They’ve designed special mouthwear that lets you breathe but barely able to talk. Even long-winded people soon learn to give up and shut up.
Here, I’ll show you. Whenever I feel like I’m about to say something stupid, like now, I reach inside my pocket and put this in my MUFLTH. DUZTHNT ICK WHAWWK GRAHT.
And as you can see, it’s easy to remove and keep stored in a slim plastic pouch that shows no bulge when you put it in your back pocket.
It also comes in three flavours: mint, cinnamon, green pepper.
Now some might argue such a product stifles free speech but the makers of Stipends™ say it’s not free speech that’s being stifled, it’s inane speech. And the payoff is better – and shorter – conversations across the country.
For those with a really bad case of verbal diarrhea – are you listening, Don? – there’s extra-strength mouthwear that temporarily cuts off the flow of oxygen: Suspends™.
Unfortunately, not everyone knows they suffer from the vocal runs. It took me thousands of letters and emails from viewers, and a visit to the doctor, to discover that I suffer, actually, what I have and what my listeners suffer from, is a condition known as vapidity.
So, the next time Grandma goes on and on about young people needing to learn manners or Uncle Lou begins repeating that tiresome anecdote about how he took down a grizzly with a toothbrush, shove a Stipend™ in their mouth. They’ll thank you for it … eventually.
Uh oh, a dumb thought just entered my head WAW, THAHT WUSS CLAUTH!”
When loose lips sink friendships, try Stipends™ — the mouthguard for unguarded thoughts
(June 15, 2012)
For those who are missing their Hockey Night in Canada fix, let’s catch up with what one of their star performers is doing these days:
“Hello, my name is PJ Stock and I’m a spokesman for Depend protective underwear. They’re for people who suffer from incontinence. I don’t, because I’m young and didn’t let myself go to pot.
However, I DO suffer from another problem: verbal diarrhea. Sure, VD got me a job on Hockey Night In Canada but running off at the mouth has also got me into trouble away from the camera, with friends, family, airline staff, cab drivers, hotel employees, waiters, the list goes on.
I admit it. I talk too much. What’s worst, I have nothing intelligent to say but does that stop me? No.
Now I’m not the only person on Hockey Night in Canada – in fact, in all of Canada – to suffer from what’s become a rampant social affliction but those days are about to end, thanks to the makers of Depend. They’ve designed special mouthwear that lets you breathe but barely able to talk. Even long-winded people soon learn to give up and shut up.
Here, I’ll show you. Whenever I feel like I’m about to say something stupid, like now, I reach inside my pocket and put this in my MUFLTH. DUZTHNT ICK WHAWWK GRAHT.
And as you can see, it’s easy to remove and keep stored in a slim plastic pouch that shows no bulge when you put it in your back pocket.
It also comes in three flavours: mint, cinnamon, green pepper.
Now some might argue such a product stifles free speech but the makers of Stipends™ say it’s not free speech that’s being stifled, it’s inane speech. And the payoff is better – and shorter – conversations across the country.
For those with a really bad case of verbal diarrhea – are you listening, Don? – there’s extra-strength mouthwear that temporarily cuts off the flow of oxygen: Suspends™.
Unfortunately, not everyone knows they suffer from the vocal runs. It took me thousands of letters and emails from viewers, and a visit to the doctor, to discover that I suffer, actually, what I have and what my listeners suffer from, is a condition known as vapidity.
So, the next time Grandma goes on and on about young people needing to learn manners or Uncle Lou begins repeating that tiresome anecdote about how he took down a grizzly with a toothbrush, shove a Stipend™ in their mouth. They’ll thank you for it … eventually.
Uh oh, a dumb thought just entered my head WAW, THAHT WUSS CLAUTH!”
When loose lips sink friendships, try Stipends™ — the mouthguard for unguarded thoughts
A heads-off approach to fighting
(March 17, 2021)
The debate over fighting in the National Hockey League has resumed with two players getting hurt in separate bouts.
Montreal Canadiens defenceman Ben Chiarot is out six to eight weeks after fracturing his right hand on the visor of an opponent. And Edmonton Oilers forward Jujhar Khaira was knocked out in a fight but was said to be alright by his coach after the game. Who knows, however, at this point what long-term harm to his brain he might have suffered.
No surprise, then, that a call for a total ban on fighting is again being made. It's already illegal in the sport but that hasn't put an end to the folly. Jim Matheson of the Edmonton Journal reports that halfway through this shortened NHL season there have been 184 fighting majors in just two months.
“A large part is because teams are playing each other continually and dislike rules,” he writes.
“Plus, there’s more of a playoff feel on a game-to-game basis,” Milan Lucic says. “Sometimes it’s sticking up for your team and your teammates or yourself and that’s never going to change.”
Maybe it should, even if the players don't seem too concerned about their own well-being. The league could do more to protect its athletes from themselves, and one way is to change the rules. Make the penalty for fighting stiffer so it's the team as a whole that suffers the consequences while the game is being played.
A five-minute major doesn't seem to be a sufficient deterrent so how about this: Players who resort to fisticuffs receive a two-minute penalty for delay of game, plus two minutes for intent to injure for EACH blow delivered to an opponent's head.
Of course, the fights would have to be replayed on the big screen to count the number of punches landed, which would surely add to the game's excitement as fans add up the total minutes the offenders will be serving in the penalty box.
The disputants themselves would have mixed emotions watching the video replays, taking immense pride in seeing how much punishment they inflicted while dreading what their coach will have to say for having greatly disadvantaged their team if they clearly won the fight.
The flip side would be the players who lost the exchange; they won't be happy reliving their humiliation but they'll take comfort in knowing they put their team on an extended power play by being poor pugilists.
Teams, as a result, would likely abandon altogether the tradition of having at least one tough guy on their roster, once known as gooning up, and instead recruit players willing to sacrifice themselves as punching bags. It could extend the careers of players whose skills have deteriorated but not their knack for getting under the skin of rivals.
Those inclined to fight at the drop of a glove or a tap on a goaltender's pads would have to find a new target for their fists, and the abdomen is an obvious choice. Gone would be the cliche “He got his bell rung,” replaced by “He just lost his lunch.”
Unlike the first bromide this one would literally be true.
(March 17, 2021)
The debate over fighting in the National Hockey League has resumed with two players getting hurt in separate bouts.
Montreal Canadiens defenceman Ben Chiarot is out six to eight weeks after fracturing his right hand on the visor of an opponent. And Edmonton Oilers forward Jujhar Khaira was knocked out in a fight but was said to be alright by his coach after the game. Who knows, however, at this point what long-term harm to his brain he might have suffered.
No surprise, then, that a call for a total ban on fighting is again being made. It's already illegal in the sport but that hasn't put an end to the folly. Jim Matheson of the Edmonton Journal reports that halfway through this shortened NHL season there have been 184 fighting majors in just two months.
“A large part is because teams are playing each other continually and dislike rules,” he writes.
“Plus, there’s more of a playoff feel on a game-to-game basis,” Milan Lucic says. “Sometimes it’s sticking up for your team and your teammates or yourself and that’s never going to change.”
Maybe it should, even if the players don't seem too concerned about their own well-being. The league could do more to protect its athletes from themselves, and one way is to change the rules. Make the penalty for fighting stiffer so it's the team as a whole that suffers the consequences while the game is being played.
A five-minute major doesn't seem to be a sufficient deterrent so how about this: Players who resort to fisticuffs receive a two-minute penalty for delay of game, plus two minutes for intent to injure for EACH blow delivered to an opponent's head.
Of course, the fights would have to be replayed on the big screen to count the number of punches landed, which would surely add to the game's excitement as fans add up the total minutes the offenders will be serving in the penalty box.
The disputants themselves would have mixed emotions watching the video replays, taking immense pride in seeing how much punishment they inflicted while dreading what their coach will have to say for having greatly disadvantaged their team if they clearly won the fight.
The flip side would be the players who lost the exchange; they won't be happy reliving their humiliation but they'll take comfort in knowing they put their team on an extended power play by being poor pugilists.
Teams, as a result, would likely abandon altogether the tradition of having at least one tough guy on their roster, once known as gooning up, and instead recruit players willing to sacrifice themselves as punching bags. It could extend the careers of players whose skills have deteriorated but not their knack for getting under the skin of rivals.
Those inclined to fight at the drop of a glove or a tap on a goaltender's pads would have to find a new target for their fists, and the abdomen is an obvious choice. Gone would be the cliche “He got his bell rung,” replaced by “He just lost his lunch.”
Unlike the first bromide this one would literally be true.
End of the line (juggling) for Claude and associate
(Feb. 24, 2021)
So, coach Julien finally got canadienned.
No torch-lit parade – which fans would have happily organized, so starved are we to have one – just a quiet dismissal, along with his associate, Kirk Muller, whose time with the team was considerably more productive when he suited up in a uniform and not a suit.
In keeping with tradition the coach has been replaced, for the time being, by someone who can explain why the team lost in two languages:
Best wishes, Dominique Ducharme, I'll sing your praise and pray “some simple pleasure” you will bring “that the world shall know (your) name.”
Making the playoffs will be your immediate goal. Hope you have better luck with that than the team does scoring one (last night's four – really five – markers were an aberration in recent weeks).
If you're looking for suggestions – and who wouldn't if they're a true leader – go online and scour the fan forums for line combinations, trades, call-ups and trick plays (my specialty; my hockey version of the Statue of Liberty has yet to be tested outside my imagination but my confidence remains high that it will prove to be an effective offensive weapon – which brings to mind another play I've devised, but I'll have to check the Criminal Code and, I suppose, National Hockey League rules, before bringing it to your attention. If you're still around).
Just one last thing: Don't coach to not lose, coach to win – and win with panache (who, at last report, was buried in the East Coast Hockey League, unfairly in my opinion. Verve is another player you might want to recruit. Believe his first name is Rick.)
In closing, Dom – I wonder, will that be the music they play when the sports network carries your first game as coach: Dom-de-dom-dom, Dom-de-dom-dom-DOM! -- may the road ahead be a smooth one, and when you get to where you're going be sure to raise a Cup of good cheer for having reached your destination.
You won't mind if we throw a parade, will you?
(Feb. 24, 2021)
So, coach Julien finally got canadienned.
No torch-lit parade – which fans would have happily organized, so starved are we to have one – just a quiet dismissal, along with his associate, Kirk Muller, whose time with the team was considerably more productive when he suited up in a uniform and not a suit.
In keeping with tradition the coach has been replaced, for the time being, by someone who can explain why the team lost in two languages:
Best wishes, Dominique Ducharme, I'll sing your praise and pray “some simple pleasure” you will bring “that the world shall know (your) name.”
Making the playoffs will be your immediate goal. Hope you have better luck with that than the team does scoring one (last night's four – really five – markers were an aberration in recent weeks).
If you're looking for suggestions – and who wouldn't if they're a true leader – go online and scour the fan forums for line combinations, trades, call-ups and trick plays (my specialty; my hockey version of the Statue of Liberty has yet to be tested outside my imagination but my confidence remains high that it will prove to be an effective offensive weapon – which brings to mind another play I've devised, but I'll have to check the Criminal Code and, I suppose, National Hockey League rules, before bringing it to your attention. If you're still around).
Just one last thing: Don't coach to not lose, coach to win – and win with panache (who, at last report, was buried in the East Coast Hockey League, unfairly in my opinion. Verve is another player you might want to recruit. Believe his first name is Rick.)
In closing, Dom – I wonder, will that be the music they play when the sports network carries your first game as coach: Dom-de-dom-dom, Dom-de-dom-dom-DOM! -- may the road ahead be a smooth one, and when you get to where you're going be sure to raise a Cup of good cheer for having reached your destination.
You won't mind if we throw a parade, will you?
Dogfight under investigation
(Feb. 6, 2021)
Five things you should know about this afternoon's Canadiens-Senators game:
The Canadiens will be sporting futuristic uniforms that shimmer, provide biometric readings the trainer can use to adjust electrolyte levels in players' water bottles, and deliver mild shocks when the coach wishes to send a message about indifferent play. The uniforms will be put up for auction later as a charity fundraiser, or burned, depending on the game's outcome.
Reports of a dogfight involving the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadiens, with the prize being first place in the NHL's North Division, have caught the attention of the SPCA which has launched an investigation.
Told yesterday he would not be dressed for Saturday's match, defenceman Victor Mete registered his protest by stripping naked and storming out of coach Claude Julien's office. He was later seen picketing outside the Bell Centre, nude and shivering.
Phillip Danault is still without a goal, other than to secure a long-term contract that will pay him handsomely.
The never-ending who-won-the-Shea Weber-PK Subban trade debate was the lone blemish in the team's otherwise excellent celebration of its captain's 1,000th game in the NHL on Thursday.
Team officials say a hacker was responsible for a split-screen image that briefly appeared on the scoreboard, showing the two players' stats since the trade was made in 2016. A clip of Subban congratulating Weber for his longevity was also not part of the program. Subban's words were kind and seemed authentic but many saw a photo of Subban holding the Norris Trophy hung on the wall behind him as a not-so-subtle jab.
(Feb. 6, 2021)
Five things you should know about this afternoon's Canadiens-Senators game:
The Canadiens will be sporting futuristic uniforms that shimmer, provide biometric readings the trainer can use to adjust electrolyte levels in players' water bottles, and deliver mild shocks when the coach wishes to send a message about indifferent play. The uniforms will be put up for auction later as a charity fundraiser, or burned, depending on the game's outcome.
Reports of a dogfight involving the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montreal Canadiens, with the prize being first place in the NHL's North Division, have caught the attention of the SPCA which has launched an investigation.
Told yesterday he would not be dressed for Saturday's match, defenceman Victor Mete registered his protest by stripping naked and storming out of coach Claude Julien's office. He was later seen picketing outside the Bell Centre, nude and shivering.
Phillip Danault is still without a goal, other than to secure a long-term contract that will pay him handsomely.
The never-ending who-won-the-Shea Weber-PK Subban trade debate was the lone blemish in the team's otherwise excellent celebration of its captain's 1,000th game in the NHL on Thursday.
Team officials say a hacker was responsible for a split-screen image that briefly appeared on the scoreboard, showing the two players' stats since the trade was made in 2016. A clip of Subban congratulating Weber for his longevity was also not part of the program. Subban's words were kind and seemed authentic but many saw a photo of Subban holding the Norris Trophy hung on the wall behind him as a not-so-subtle jab.
All in a week's work
(Feb. 2, 2021)
A season that's been condensed to 56 games can be divided into seven 9-game segments, with each segment representing one day of the week.
With that thought in mind, you can say the Canadiens handled getting back to work pretty well after a long layoff, ending the day with a record of 6-1-2 and the best winning percentage in the North Division.
Now it's Tuesday, so to speak and in fact, which according to one poll of executives, is the most productive day of the week for employees.
Hmmm, it's going to hard for the Habs to top a winning percentage of .778 over the next nine games but if Danault starts scoring ...
(Feb. 2, 2021)
A season that's been condensed to 56 games can be divided into seven 9-game segments, with each segment representing one day of the week.
With that thought in mind, you can say the Canadiens handled getting back to work pretty well after a long layoff, ending the day with a record of 6-1-2 and the best winning percentage in the North Division.
Now it's Tuesday, so to speak and in fact, which according to one poll of executives, is the most productive day of the week for employees.
Hmmm, it's going to hard for the Habs to top a winning percentage of .778 over the next nine games but if Danault starts scoring ...
Why are the Habs so good? Here's why
(Jan. 30, 2021)
Disoriented by their team's amazing start – no losses in regulation time after seven games – a large segment of Montreal Canadien fans are turning to QAnon to make sense of what's happening.
Among the many conspiracy theories they have latched on to explain the team's extraordinary success is that general manager Marc Bergevin's trade for tough guy John Scott in 2016, which drew so much scorn at the time, is finally paying dividends by means that remain unclear.
Another theory gaining traction is that Montreal's .857 winning percentage, tops in the North Division, has been manipulated by mysterious forces -- the same forces that played havoc with vote counts in the American election -- even though there is televised evidence to validate the calculation.
A third theory posits games are being “staged” in empty arenas before being shown “live,” with the outcomes having been scripted to build a narrative over the coming months that will produce the most drama and the highest ratings.
Eventually, they say, Montreal will tumble from its lofty perch to be replaced by another Canadian team and it in turn by another to keep viewers glued to their TVs and PCs.
It's also said the Ottawa Senators will surprise all by winning three games in a row at one point but even the QAnon community is finding this claim too preposterous to take seriously.
The only constant in this season's many twists and turns is that the Toronto Maple Leafs will remain the odds-on favourite to win the Stanley Cup – and the villain for most hockey fans across the country. It's a winning formula not to be tampered with, to ensure the widest audience.
As with any conspiracy there's a dark side and for many supporters of the Montreal Canadiens, it's having their suspicions about the team, formed over a quarter century of futility, put to the test once again.
They've seen their Habs bolt out of the gate before only to falter well short of the finish line but this time it seems different, and the reason they're told it's because the team has depth. Real depth.
And believing it could be true is what's most unsettling for them. Is this the end of criticizing the GM, belittling the coach, deriding the goalie, mocking forwards, berating rearguards, and lampooning anthem singers?
Nah. There's still enough happening to keep them happily unhappy: Carey Price's save percentage is below .900, forwards Phillip Danault and Paul Byron have yet to score, Artturi Lehkonen is the only minus player on a juggernaut, defenceman Shea Weber is showing his age, coach Claude Julien looks funny wearing a face mask ... the list goes on, but it's not as long as before.
And the prospect it could get even shorter is what's worrying a large part of the fan base that's accustomed to finding fault with the Canadiens.
If their success continues, social scientists warn, don't be surprised if a “fandemic” results – an outbreak of psychic distress not seen since Reggie Houle managed the Canadiens. But this time it's because the team is doing so well that has left them unbalanced.
Will they have to start watching the Senators so their skill at griping will remain well-honed?
That dismal prospect, naturally, has them steaming and in anger they've turned to QAnon to explain the origin of their grievances about things they can't control. Not that they ever had control but thinking so kept them pleasantly occupied devising trades, drafting players and sorting out lines.
And now that their services are no longer required they've begun looking for answers in a place that always has them.
Which has given rise to the biggest – and most implausible -- conspiracy theory of all: The Montreal Canadiens are good because management, coaching and players have contrived to work together.
And they've done it in the open.
You can't get more fiendish than that.
(Jan. 30, 2021)
Disoriented by their team's amazing start – no losses in regulation time after seven games – a large segment of Montreal Canadien fans are turning to QAnon to make sense of what's happening.
Among the many conspiracy theories they have latched on to explain the team's extraordinary success is that general manager Marc Bergevin's trade for tough guy John Scott in 2016, which drew so much scorn at the time, is finally paying dividends by means that remain unclear.
Another theory gaining traction is that Montreal's .857 winning percentage, tops in the North Division, has been manipulated by mysterious forces -- the same forces that played havoc with vote counts in the American election -- even though there is televised evidence to validate the calculation.
A third theory posits games are being “staged” in empty arenas before being shown “live,” with the outcomes having been scripted to build a narrative over the coming months that will produce the most drama and the highest ratings.
Eventually, they say, Montreal will tumble from its lofty perch to be replaced by another Canadian team and it in turn by another to keep viewers glued to their TVs and PCs.
It's also said the Ottawa Senators will surprise all by winning three games in a row at one point but even the QAnon community is finding this claim too preposterous to take seriously.
The only constant in this season's many twists and turns is that the Toronto Maple Leafs will remain the odds-on favourite to win the Stanley Cup – and the villain for most hockey fans across the country. It's a winning formula not to be tampered with, to ensure the widest audience.
As with any conspiracy there's a dark side and for many supporters of the Montreal Canadiens, it's having their suspicions about the team, formed over a quarter century of futility, put to the test once again.
They've seen their Habs bolt out of the gate before only to falter well short of the finish line but this time it seems different, and the reason they're told it's because the team has depth. Real depth.
And believing it could be true is what's most unsettling for them. Is this the end of criticizing the GM, belittling the coach, deriding the goalie, mocking forwards, berating rearguards, and lampooning anthem singers?
Nah. There's still enough happening to keep them happily unhappy: Carey Price's save percentage is below .900, forwards Phillip Danault and Paul Byron have yet to score, Artturi Lehkonen is the only minus player on a juggernaut, defenceman Shea Weber is showing his age, coach Claude Julien looks funny wearing a face mask ... the list goes on, but it's not as long as before.
And the prospect it could get even shorter is what's worrying a large part of the fan base that's accustomed to finding fault with the Canadiens.
If their success continues, social scientists warn, don't be surprised if a “fandemic” results – an outbreak of psychic distress not seen since Reggie Houle managed the Canadiens. But this time it's because the team is doing so well that has left them unbalanced.
Will they have to start watching the Senators so their skill at griping will remain well-honed?
That dismal prospect, naturally, has them steaming and in anger they've turned to QAnon to explain the origin of their grievances about things they can't control. Not that they ever had control but thinking so kept them pleasantly occupied devising trades, drafting players and sorting out lines.
And now that their services are no longer required they've begun looking for answers in a place that always has them.
Which has given rise to the biggest – and most implausible -- conspiracy theory of all: The Montreal Canadiens are good because management, coaching and players have contrived to work together.
And they've done it in the open.
You can't get more fiendish than that.
Home opener -- at long last!
(Jan. 28, 2021)
Five questions for tonight's home opener for the Canadiens:
1. Will taxi squad members carry the Habs banner around the ice before the opening ceremony?
2. Will Danault score a goal to prove he deserves a hefty pay raise?
3. Will the coaching staff wear hats with ads on them?
4. Will Weber and Lehkonen, the only minus players on the team, ride the pine? Or will management start ordering players with a negative +/- to wear minus shoulder patches on their sweaters?
5. Will the game demonstrate the Canadiens are true Stanley Cup contenders or a safe bet to finish in the North Division's top four?
With the home opener just hours away
Fans are excited to see the Habs play
But as good as the team's been
The question remains when
At long last will the fans see Mete
(Jan. 28, 2021)
Five questions for tonight's home opener for the Canadiens:
1. Will taxi squad members carry the Habs banner around the ice before the opening ceremony?
2. Will Danault score a goal to prove he deserves a hefty pay raise?
3. Will the coaching staff wear hats with ads on them?
4. Will Weber and Lehkonen, the only minus players on the team, ride the pine? Or will management start ordering players with a negative +/- to wear minus shoulder patches on their sweaters?
5. Will the game demonstrate the Canadiens are true Stanley Cup contenders or a safe bet to finish in the North Division's top four?
With the home opener just hours away
Fans are excited to see the Habs play
But as good as the team's been
The question remains when
At long last will the fans see Mete
The long wait is over. Woohoo!
(Jan. 13, 2021)
Woohoo, hockey's back, with Montreal in Toronto playing the Leafs. Here's five things you should know about the game:
1. It won't be sold out.
2. COVID-19 protocols require players to rinse their mouth with sanitizer before spitting.
3. There will be no group hugs after a goal is scored. Teammates will give the scorer the OK sign from a safe distance.
4. Singers will earn the bare minimum this season singing one anthem per game.
5. The four divisions will not play games against each other in the regular season so the NHL has decided it will award four Art Ross trophies, four Rocket Richard trophies, four Hart trophies, four Lady Byng trophies, four Vezina trophies ...
(Jan. 13, 2021)
Woohoo, hockey's back, with Montreal in Toronto playing the Leafs. Here's five things you should know about the game:
1. It won't be sold out.
2. COVID-19 protocols require players to rinse their mouth with sanitizer before spitting.
3. There will be no group hugs after a goal is scored. Teammates will give the scorer the OK sign from a safe distance.
4. Singers will earn the bare minimum this season singing one anthem per game.
5. The four divisions will not play games against each other in the regular season so the NHL has decided it will award four Art Ross trophies, four Rocket Richard trophies, four Hart trophies, four Lady Byng trophies, four Vezina trophies ...
Final Jeopardy
(Nov. 8, 2020)
Answer: "He was the Jean Beliveau of game show hosts."
Question: "Who is Alex Trebek?"
Two accomplished individuals who were a credit to their country and an exemplar of their profession. Without question.
(Nov. 8, 2020)
Answer: "He was the Jean Beliveau of game show hosts."
Question: "Who is Alex Trebek?"
Two accomplished individuals who were a credit to their country and an exemplar of their profession. Without question.
Baseball questions
(11:45 a.m., June 25, 2020)
Baseball's preparing to open its season in the COVID-19 era, with just a 60-game schedule.
Herewith a few questions. (For answers look elsewhere.)
Runner on first base. Do both players put on face masks so the first baseman can hold the runner?
Do they put a plastic shield between the ump and catcher?
Will the makers of rosin and pine tar now include a disinfectant?
Will pitchers caught contaminating a baseball with spit who subsequently test positive for COVID-19 be charged with willful disregard for another person's health -- or something like that?
Will outfielders have to worry about maintaining a six-foot distance when closing in on a fly ball?
(11:45 a.m., June 25, 2020)
Baseball's preparing to open its season in the COVID-19 era, with just a 60-game schedule.
Herewith a few questions. (For answers look elsewhere.)
Runner on first base. Do both players put on face masks so the first baseman can hold the runner?
Do they put a plastic shield between the ump and catcher?
Will the makers of rosin and pine tar now include a disinfectant?
Will pitchers caught contaminating a baseball with spit who subsequently test positive for COVID-19 be charged with willful disregard for another person's health -- or something like that?
Will outfielders have to worry about maintaining a six-foot distance when closing in on a fly ball?
Geez, people it's only been 27 years
(12:10 p.m., June 22, 2020)
Remember, folks, patience is a virtue.
And good things come to those who wait. And wait.
Sure, there have been potholes, detours, collapsed bridges, mudslides, long stops at railway crossings, fender benders, engine failures, flat tires, gas line leaks, tornadoes, hurricanes, blizzards, road rage, missed turns, heaters that don't work, lost keys, annoying passengers, bad reception on the radio, and rust along the way but, as they say, the journey matters more than the destination.
If the Canadiens were to win the Cup, there'd go our reason for living.
Just be thankful the journey has lasted as long as it has, and how much closer we've come together as Hab'uns.
I'm looking forward to 2023 when we get our 30-year pins.
(12:10 p.m., June 22, 2020)
Remember, folks, patience is a virtue.
And good things come to those who wait. And wait.
Sure, there have been potholes, detours, collapsed bridges, mudslides, long stops at railway crossings, fender benders, engine failures, flat tires, gas line leaks, tornadoes, hurricanes, blizzards, road rage, missed turns, heaters that don't work, lost keys, annoying passengers, bad reception on the radio, and rust along the way but, as they say, the journey matters more than the destination.
If the Canadiens were to win the Cup, there'd go our reason for living.
Just be thankful the journey has lasted as long as it has, and how much closer we've come together as Hab'uns.
I'm looking forward to 2023 when we get our 30-year pins.
Something lost in translation?
(June 10, 2020)
From a TVA Sports article (as translated into English by Google):
"Where the CH failed with Michael McCarron, the Maple Leafs can say mission accomplished with Frédérik Gauthier. The latter needed to improve his stroke considerably to reach the NHL. He has had several follow-ups with former world figure skating champion Barbara Underhill.
'Instead of being someone who plays in the American League now, he's a very drinkable defensive center in the NHL. It made all the difference for him,' notes Han."
Is that in reference to his style of skating -- It's very fluid -- or his ability to block shots -- He goes down well?
(June 10, 2020)
From a TVA Sports article (as translated into English by Google):
"Where the CH failed with Michael McCarron, the Maple Leafs can say mission accomplished with Frédérik Gauthier. The latter needed to improve his stroke considerably to reach the NHL. He has had several follow-ups with former world figure skating champion Barbara Underhill.
'Instead of being someone who plays in the American League now, he's a very drinkable defensive center in the NHL. It made all the difference for him,' notes Han."
Is that in reference to his style of skating -- It's very fluid -- or his ability to block shots -- He goes down well?
Cuthbert's no longer a voice
(12:15 a.m., June 9, 2020)
"Veteran sports commentator Chris Cuthbert is joining Sportsnet as an NHL play-by-play analyst.
Cuthbert had been at TSN since 2005, where he was the network’s lead CFL commentator as well as an NHL play-by-play voice."
Always liked his game calling, NHL and CFL.
Congrats, Chris, on your promotion from voice to analyst.
I wonder, will that change the way he does his job ...
"Bobbs, who appears to have put on weight the last few weeks, moves out from behind the net in a manner somewhat reminiscent of Paul Coffey at the end of his career. He slips by Hennesey, the born-again Christian who once led the league in fighting majors and is now a mere shadow of his former self, and crosses center at full speed. He chips the puck deep into the corner, at the urging of his coach who could be heard yelling instructions on a play that requires none, as it's the team's default approach to entering the offensive zone with a minimum of effort. Or creativity."
"Calhoun accepts the gift of an unforced turnover and fires the puck around the boards to Stanislov racing down the left side and the looming free agent turns the corner past Corkin, the plodding defenceman, and flips the puck over a sprawling, panicky Malamieux into the yawning net, which perfectly captures the level of excitement thus far in this lacklustre match, with the home team now down 5-0 as a result of horrendous coaching and gross managerial incompetence."
"Incredibly, Stubbick is leaving his goalie in, to the dismay of Malamieux, who's now taking off his gear and setting it on top of the net. This is shaping up to be a contest of wills, folks. And judging by the death stares the coach and goalie are exchanging, it could end with the reading of two wills. "
(12:15 a.m., June 9, 2020)
"Veteran sports commentator Chris Cuthbert is joining Sportsnet as an NHL play-by-play analyst.
Cuthbert had been at TSN since 2005, where he was the network’s lead CFL commentator as well as an NHL play-by-play voice."
Always liked his game calling, NHL and CFL.
Congrats, Chris, on your promotion from voice to analyst.
I wonder, will that change the way he does his job ...
"Bobbs, who appears to have put on weight the last few weeks, moves out from behind the net in a manner somewhat reminiscent of Paul Coffey at the end of his career. He slips by Hennesey, the born-again Christian who once led the league in fighting majors and is now a mere shadow of his former self, and crosses center at full speed. He chips the puck deep into the corner, at the urging of his coach who could be heard yelling instructions on a play that requires none, as it's the team's default approach to entering the offensive zone with a minimum of effort. Or creativity."
"Calhoun accepts the gift of an unforced turnover and fires the puck around the boards to Stanislov racing down the left side and the looming free agent turns the corner past Corkin, the plodding defenceman, and flips the puck over a sprawling, panicky Malamieux into the yawning net, which perfectly captures the level of excitement thus far in this lacklustre match, with the home team now down 5-0 as a result of horrendous coaching and gross managerial incompetence."
"Incredibly, Stubbick is leaving his goalie in, to the dismay of Malamieux, who's now taking off his gear and setting it on top of the net. This is shaping up to be a contest of wills, folks. And judging by the death stares the coach and goalie are exchanging, it could end with the reading of two wills. "
Hop aboard the carousel
(11:40 a.m., May 30, 2020)
I've always preferred the carousel as a metaphor for the Canadiens' extended futility rather than the hamster wheel favoured by some fans. Although the latter wonderfully conveys the lack of progress made by the team, the motion of the hamster, which can only be described as furious, better reflects the mood of fans disappointed at their team getting nowhere fast.
The carousel, on the other hand, more accurately represents the team's decades-long journey to capture the brass -- well, actually -- Stanley Cup ring. Each circuit, or season, has its ups and downs, but invariably the team ends up going in circles, no closer to its goal of a championship.
In one sense, the experience can be compared to a bumpy ride -- up-and-down, up-and-down -- but that same motion produces its own share of thrills, in a way that a hamster wheel never can.
That's why it's called a merry-go-round, as can happen in a long season when, for short spells, times can get rather festive for the team's faithful followers.
And this year, unusual in recent history, Hab fans will even get to ride on a merry-go-playoff round, brief though it's likely to be.
With a little bit of luck, though, they could find themselves seated on a dark horse.
Fingers crossed.
(11:40 a.m., May 30, 2020)
I've always preferred the carousel as a metaphor for the Canadiens' extended futility rather than the hamster wheel favoured by some fans. Although the latter wonderfully conveys the lack of progress made by the team, the motion of the hamster, which can only be described as furious, better reflects the mood of fans disappointed at their team getting nowhere fast.
The carousel, on the other hand, more accurately represents the team's decades-long journey to capture the brass -- well, actually -- Stanley Cup ring. Each circuit, or season, has its ups and downs, but invariably the team ends up going in circles, no closer to its goal of a championship.
In one sense, the experience can be compared to a bumpy ride -- up-and-down, up-and-down -- but that same motion produces its own share of thrills, in a way that a hamster wheel never can.
That's why it's called a merry-go-round, as can happen in a long season when, for short spells, times can get rather festive for the team's faithful followers.
And this year, unusual in recent history, Hab fans will even get to ride on a merry-go-playoff round, brief though it's likely to be.
With a little bit of luck, though, they could find themselves seated on a dark horse.
Fingers crossed.
Two pennies' worth of thoughts
(8:25 a.m., May 30, 2020)
Will it come to pass that hockey players will be seen as frontline heroes by daring to risk all to compete in the playoffs?
Certainly not at the level of doctors and nurses and other health-care workers but perhaps at the same level as those who provide services many consider important if society is to function as normally as is possible under the circumstances, say, workers in a meat processing plant.
In the same way that meat isn't necessary for one's survival, sport isn't essential to one's existence – unless you're a zealous contributor to online sports forums -- but the two do provide sustenance for many.
One significant difference is that meat plant workers are being coerced to go back to work whereas hockey players were given a choice afforded them by negotiations conducted on their behalf by their union.
The agreement the players' association reached with the NHL to conclude the abridged season would not have happened without the consent of its members.
Saluting the work being done by first responders and armed forces personnel has become a convention among NHL teams. Will the Hometown Heroes program be expanded to include players as well when the playoffs commence?
Perhaps one silver lining to emerge from the current pandemic is that a new ethos will take hold in the National Hockey League: respect for the health of rival players.
It's never been a sentiment widely in vogue in the league but surely now its athletes have come to realize, as so many others have, just how precious life is.
Perhaps after months of self-isolation/introspection and with the conditions that will attend their return to play they now appreciate quality of life is paramount and that committing a foul that harms a fellow human being is no longer acceptable.
We are better than a virus are we not, they should ask themselves.
For some of those who answer yes, it will be an epiphany.
And for those who shrug it will be: Pfft.
(8:25 a.m., May 30, 2020)
Will it come to pass that hockey players will be seen as frontline heroes by daring to risk all to compete in the playoffs?
Certainly not at the level of doctors and nurses and other health-care workers but perhaps at the same level as those who provide services many consider important if society is to function as normally as is possible under the circumstances, say, workers in a meat processing plant.
In the same way that meat isn't necessary for one's survival, sport isn't essential to one's existence – unless you're a zealous contributor to online sports forums -- but the two do provide sustenance for many.
One significant difference is that meat plant workers are being coerced to go back to work whereas hockey players were given a choice afforded them by negotiations conducted on their behalf by their union.
The agreement the players' association reached with the NHL to conclude the abridged season would not have happened without the consent of its members.
Saluting the work being done by first responders and armed forces personnel has become a convention among NHL teams. Will the Hometown Heroes program be expanded to include players as well when the playoffs commence?
Perhaps one silver lining to emerge from the current pandemic is that a new ethos will take hold in the National Hockey League: respect for the health of rival players.
It's never been a sentiment widely in vogue in the league but surely now its athletes have come to realize, as so many others have, just how precious life is.
Perhaps after months of self-isolation/introspection and with the conditions that will attend their return to play they now appreciate quality of life is paramount and that committing a foul that harms a fellow human being is no longer acceptable.
We are better than a virus are we not, they should ask themselves.
For some of those who answer yes, it will be an epiphany.
And for those who shrug it will be: Pfft.
Will partitions be set up on benches?
(8:30 a.m., May 23, 2020)
Many questions remain to be answered before the league resumes play:
Will netminders wear face masks under their goalie masks?
Will players wear medical face shields?
Will they wipe down their sticks after each shift?
Will the water bottles contain hydroxychloroquine?
Will coaches toss notes to their players instead of talking in their ears?
Will partitions be set up on benches?
Will Marchand's tongue be Lysoled before every game?
Will play-by-play commentators refer to players in the penalty box as being 'quarantined'?
Will sportscasters call COnnor McDaVID COVID-97 -- and be pilloried on Twitter?
Will the Stanley Cup be sanitized as it's passed from one player to another on the winning team?
Will the arena pipe in boos when Bettman presents the Cup?
(8:30 a.m., May 23, 2020)
Many questions remain to be answered before the league resumes play:
Will netminders wear face masks under their goalie masks?
Will players wear medical face shields?
Will they wipe down their sticks after each shift?
Will the water bottles contain hydroxychloroquine?
Will coaches toss notes to their players instead of talking in their ears?
Will partitions be set up on benches?
Will Marchand's tongue be Lysoled before every game?
Will play-by-play commentators refer to players in the penalty box as being 'quarantined'?
Will sportscasters call COnnor McDaVID COVID-97 -- and be pilloried on Twitter?
Will the Stanley Cup be sanitized as it's passed from one player to another on the winning team?
Will the arena pipe in boos when Bettman presents the Cup?
When I was a young lad
(8:20 a.m., March 25, 2020)
I had a microCHip implant done when I was a young lad -- in exchange for an autographed Jean-Guy Talbot pic -- and I've been a big fan of the Canadiens ever since.
But I think it's losing its strength and is in need of a replacement, as happens with pacemakers.
I understand the new version of the microCHip does a better job of washing your brain at the same time it shrinks it.
(8:20 a.m., March 25, 2020)
I had a microCHip implant done when I was a young lad -- in exchange for an autographed Jean-Guy Talbot pic -- and I've been a big fan of the Canadiens ever since.
But I think it's losing its strength and is in need of a replacement, as happens with pacemakers.
I understand the new version of the microCHip does a better job of washing your brain at the same time it shrinks it.
Our greatest threat -- and a trip hazard
(8:15 a.m., March 25, 2020)
The greatest threat to our privacy and sense of security comes from two fronts -- government and organized crime (the difference between the two being that with one you get to choose every four years who plunders you)
No less concerning are those who would make use of the internet's dark side to hijack portals into our households and silently watch as we in ignorance (and underwear) go about our daily routines.
BTW, Cal, you might want to replace that rug in the den. It's definitely a trip hazard. Remember what happened yesterday?
(8:15 a.m., March 25, 2020)
The greatest threat to our privacy and sense of security comes from two fronts -- government and organized crime (the difference between the two being that with one you get to choose every four years who plunders you)
No less concerning are those who would make use of the internet's dark side to hijack portals into our households and silently watch as we in ignorance (and underwear) go about our daily routines.
BTW, Cal, you might want to replace that rug in the den. It's definitely a trip hazard. Remember what happened yesterday?
Tough times need to make us wiser, not tougher
(8:10 a.m., March 25, 2020)
A few thoughts:
They say times that test our mettle ultimately make us stronger. I would prefer they make us wiser.
So much of what humankind does runs counter to its long-term survival.
And still we blithely carry on, turning a blind eye to the great harm we are doing ourselves, now and into the future.
One of the unfortunate developments this crisis will most likely accelerate is the inexorable march toward a surveillance state, where our every move, our every communication, our every action, is monitored and recorded, for our own good, you understand, to solve, even prevent crime, and to single out individuals who deviate from the norm and threaten the order it comfortingly provides.
Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if -- horrors! -- the internet were to shut down, for days, weeks. The mere thought of it mak
(8:10 a.m., March 25, 2020)
A few thoughts:
They say times that test our mettle ultimately make us stronger. I would prefer they make us wiser.
So much of what humankind does runs counter to its long-term survival.
And still we blithely carry on, turning a blind eye to the great harm we are doing ourselves, now and into the future.
One of the unfortunate developments this crisis will most likely accelerate is the inexorable march toward a surveillance state, where our every move, our every communication, our every action, is monitored and recorded, for our own good, you understand, to solve, even prevent crime, and to single out individuals who deviate from the norm and threaten the order it comfortingly provides.
Can you imagine the chaos that would ensue if -- horrors! -- the internet were to shut down, for days, weeks. The mere thought of it mak
COVID-19 changing routines
(2:35 p.m., March 17, 2020)
The coronavirus pandemic shows no signs of abating, and governments are being forced by circumstance to adopt ever more restrictive measures to prevent its spread, such as closing theatres, restaurants and other places where people gather.
Sports leagues have suspended play. Or, to put it another way, as the NHL has, "pause" the season.
A segment of society has reacted with alarm and emptied stores of various goods that will help them survive what they fear will be weeks, possibly months of privation. Two items in particular have been the choice of hoarders: hand sanitizers and toilet paper.
Here at the Bellyful manse I've instituted a strict four-panel limit on toilet paper usage per sitting (the grandchildren visit a lot).
Right now it's on the honour system but if the measure proves ineffective I'm prepared to number the panels and post a sign-in, sign-out tally sheet to be audited after each visit to ensure compliance.
After that, it's rationing.
The last resort will be to switch to a diet that induces constipation.
Each of us has a part to play in these parlous times, however insignificant it might seem in the greater scheme of things.
COVID-19 is without question our gravest threat these days, and we must defeat it on many fronts, even in the water closet.
Lose that battle, and it will be our Waterloo.
(2:35 p.m., March 17, 2020)
The coronavirus pandemic shows no signs of abating, and governments are being forced by circumstance to adopt ever more restrictive measures to prevent its spread, such as closing theatres, restaurants and other places where people gather.
Sports leagues have suspended play. Or, to put it another way, as the NHL has, "pause" the season.
A segment of society has reacted with alarm and emptied stores of various goods that will help them survive what they fear will be weeks, possibly months of privation. Two items in particular have been the choice of hoarders: hand sanitizers and toilet paper.
Here at the Bellyful manse I've instituted a strict four-panel limit on toilet paper usage per sitting (the grandchildren visit a lot).
Right now it's on the honour system but if the measure proves ineffective I'm prepared to number the panels and post a sign-in, sign-out tally sheet to be audited after each visit to ensure compliance.
After that, it's rationing.
The last resort will be to switch to a diet that induces constipation.
Each of us has a part to play in these parlous times, however insignificant it might seem in the greater scheme of things.
COVID-19 is without question our gravest threat these days, and we must defeat it on many fronts, even in the water closet.
Lose that battle, and it will be our Waterloo.
Gallagher dumps the puck in the corner ...
(9:30 a.m., March 11, 2020)
Would love to see this on the TV tomorrow night watching the Canadiens play Buffalo ...
“With his team down 3-0 10 minutes into the game Gallagher crosses center and dumps the puck into Buffalo's end so Montreal can make a change. And it's a doozie! Team owner Geoff Molson just tapped coach Claude Julien on the shoulder and told him to pack his bags. Looks like general manager Marc Bergevin is gone as well. One of our cameramen just caught him outside the Bell Centre hailing a taxi ... “
(9:30 a.m., March 11, 2020)
Would love to see this on the TV tomorrow night watching the Canadiens play Buffalo ...
“With his team down 3-0 10 minutes into the game Gallagher crosses center and dumps the puck into Buffalo's end so Montreal can make a change. And it's a doozie! Team owner Geoff Molson just tapped coach Claude Julien on the shoulder and told him to pack his bags. Looks like general manager Marc Bergevin is gone as well. One of our cameramen just caught him outside the Bell Centre hailing a taxi ... “
In defence of Lekhonen, a 190-foot player
(Feb. 25, 2020)
It's natural, I suppose, that in tearing apart a failing team, we then focus on the constituent parts and tear them apart individually, for good measure, to find in their remains the root cause of the team's demise.
That this is done so easily suggests the Canadiens are, indeed, a tear-ible team, and who would argue?
Now for reasons that are unfathomable to some – I prefer idiosyncratic -- I happen to like one of those components whose value to the team is now being vigorously dissected: Lehkonen (which, apparently, is Finnish for 'worthless').
Ironically, the findings are that he's not a finisher of any note and what few goals he scores are, to the dismay of observers, of a type that's laughable – they deflect in off his rear or accidentally hit his stick.
This couldn't be by design, of course, so it's through inadvertence on his part that he is able to score as frequently as others whose goals, we surmise, are highlight reel material and count more on the scoreboard than the Keystone Kop variety.
Also, when Lekhonen scores, does the RDS play-by-play guy shout “Le butt” not “Le but!”?
What I would give for a sighting – clips, anyone? – of Lehkonen actually firing a puck that found the back of the net – from the front, I hasten to add – which, if such existed, would put the lie to his having zero offensive talent. It might be he has 5 per cent.
Maybe they should try him on the power play at home.
I would also welcome clips of those goals where he was been the beneficiary of his positioning, so vehemently mocked, which resulted in a goal being scored off his stick (shaft) or person (rear, but head, knee or foot would serve as well).
It would be good for the tenor of our discussions in general if such moments were made available to the amusement of all. A bit of levity is always good when debating the relative worth of players.
It could be Lehkonen's offensive IQ is sadly lacking and his having occupied a spot on the Canadiens roster over a player as skilled as a Peca was a grave injustice.
Peca -- whom I also liked but what do I know? -- now has the opportunity to prove Julien wrong.
And why is Lehkonen's defensive play given short shrift? It might be for every goal he doesn't score, he prevents one from being scored.
By the other side, let's be clear.
Could it be he has a high defensive IQ?
Yes, it's scorers that Montreal needs but it wasn't Lehkonen who drafted himself. Or acquired players whose scoring is on par with his despite more TOI and power play opportunities.
Armia, for example, has just 15 goals because he missed a lot of games but look at his goal totals for his first four years in the league: 4, 10,12, 13. He has only once played close to a full season, 2017-18 -- when he got his 12.
I don't fret about his offensive IQ oddly enough – I like him as well, which shows you I'm a pushover for Canadiens individually – but I do worry about his durability. I have no such worries about Lehkonen, who BTW scored 18, 12 and 11 goals his first three seasons and currently has 12.
To tell you the truth I hope he doesn't score another goal this season for the sake of his health.
I don't think his body could stand it.
Hey, is that why he's getting the bum's rush?
Furthermore ...
I have never deluded myself into thinking he's a terrific player. What I take exception to are those who claim he's terrible.
And there's only ONE player on the Canadiens the team can't afford to part with, and that's Suzuki.
Okay, maybe TWO.
I just hope Mete fully recovers from his injury and is good to go for next season.
(For gawdsakes, folks, that's a joke,
"And so's Mete."
Groan.)
(Feb. 25, 2020)
It's natural, I suppose, that in tearing apart a failing team, we then focus on the constituent parts and tear them apart individually, for good measure, to find in their remains the root cause of the team's demise.
That this is done so easily suggests the Canadiens are, indeed, a tear-ible team, and who would argue?
Now for reasons that are unfathomable to some – I prefer idiosyncratic -- I happen to like one of those components whose value to the team is now being vigorously dissected: Lehkonen (which, apparently, is Finnish for 'worthless').
Ironically, the findings are that he's not a finisher of any note and what few goals he scores are, to the dismay of observers, of a type that's laughable – they deflect in off his rear or accidentally hit his stick.
This couldn't be by design, of course, so it's through inadvertence on his part that he is able to score as frequently as others whose goals, we surmise, are highlight reel material and count more on the scoreboard than the Keystone Kop variety.
Also, when Lekhonen scores, does the RDS play-by-play guy shout “Le butt” not “Le but!”?
What I would give for a sighting – clips, anyone? – of Lehkonen actually firing a puck that found the back of the net – from the front, I hasten to add – which, if such existed, would put the lie to his having zero offensive talent. It might be he has 5 per cent.
Maybe they should try him on the power play at home.
I would also welcome clips of those goals where he was been the beneficiary of his positioning, so vehemently mocked, which resulted in a goal being scored off his stick (shaft) or person (rear, but head, knee or foot would serve as well).
It would be good for the tenor of our discussions in general if such moments were made available to the amusement of all. A bit of levity is always good when debating the relative worth of players.
It could be Lehkonen's offensive IQ is sadly lacking and his having occupied a spot on the Canadiens roster over a player as skilled as a Peca was a grave injustice.
Peca -- whom I also liked but what do I know? -- now has the opportunity to prove Julien wrong.
And why is Lehkonen's defensive play given short shrift? It might be for every goal he doesn't score, he prevents one from being scored.
By the other side, let's be clear.
Could it be he has a high defensive IQ?
Yes, it's scorers that Montreal needs but it wasn't Lehkonen who drafted himself. Or acquired players whose scoring is on par with his despite more TOI and power play opportunities.
Armia, for example, has just 15 goals because he missed a lot of games but look at his goal totals for his first four years in the league: 4, 10,12, 13. He has only once played close to a full season, 2017-18 -- when he got his 12.
I don't fret about his offensive IQ oddly enough – I like him as well, which shows you I'm a pushover for Canadiens individually – but I do worry about his durability. I have no such worries about Lehkonen, who BTW scored 18, 12 and 11 goals his first three seasons and currently has 12.
To tell you the truth I hope he doesn't score another goal this season for the sake of his health.
I don't think his body could stand it.
Hey, is that why he's getting the bum's rush?
Furthermore ...
I have never deluded myself into thinking he's a terrific player. What I take exception to are those who claim he's terrible.
And there's only ONE player on the Canadiens the team can't afford to part with, and that's Suzuki.
Okay, maybe TWO.
I just hope Mete fully recovers from his injury and is good to go for next season.
(For gawdsakes, folks, that's a joke,
"And so's Mete."
Groan.)
No love for Leks, 'cept here
(Feb. 23, 2020)
Of Lekhonen it's been said that he's "he's a lesson in frustration ... a dime a dozen player (who) would barely make the roster on an NHL contender."
I don't see him as a dime a dozen player. I see him the equal of Lars Eller, another much maligned Canadien, who went on to play an invaluable role as a third liner in the Caps' Cup win and remains so in their bid to secure another championship.
Also, Lekhonen shouldn't be judged by his offence alone. He is responsible defensively and is used on the PK.
I look at the career of Paul Byron, who scored 7, 6, and 11 goals his first three seasons. His next three seasons he scored 22, 20 and 15 goals, and is also used on the PK.
Byron was a frustrating player to watch as well, failing to convert many scoring opportunities, especially on breakaways, before he turned it around and proved he could contribute offensively.
Eller, BTW, was 8, 12, 15, then 13, 12, 18.
Lekhonen: 18, 12, 11, and this year 12 so far.
Sure, it's disappointing he hasn't scored more to date but what is notable is the number of times he does end up in areas where scoring opportunities present themselves. Yes, he could work on making himself more open but it's a criticism that can be applied to so many other players as well, a surprising number, actually, just from watching the game and wondering why aren't they creating space for themselves.
For real lessons in frustration, look no further than Petry and Domi. They show flashes of brilliance but are equally capable of extremely dumb plays that leave you shaking your head.
Lekhonen might never sparkle the way they can on occasion but he hardly ever, if at all, plumbs the depths of stupidity they manage to do with a frequency that is infuriating.
(Feb. 23, 2020)
Of Lekhonen it's been said that he's "he's a lesson in frustration ... a dime a dozen player (who) would barely make the roster on an NHL contender."
I don't see him as a dime a dozen player. I see him the equal of Lars Eller, another much maligned Canadien, who went on to play an invaluable role as a third liner in the Caps' Cup win and remains so in their bid to secure another championship.
Also, Lekhonen shouldn't be judged by his offence alone. He is responsible defensively and is used on the PK.
I look at the career of Paul Byron, who scored 7, 6, and 11 goals his first three seasons. His next three seasons he scored 22, 20 and 15 goals, and is also used on the PK.
Byron was a frustrating player to watch as well, failing to convert many scoring opportunities, especially on breakaways, before he turned it around and proved he could contribute offensively.
Eller, BTW, was 8, 12, 15, then 13, 12, 18.
Lekhonen: 18, 12, 11, and this year 12 so far.
Sure, it's disappointing he hasn't scored more to date but what is notable is the number of times he does end up in areas where scoring opportunities present themselves. Yes, he could work on making himself more open but it's a criticism that can be applied to so many other players as well, a surprising number, actually, just from watching the game and wondering why aren't they creating space for themselves.
For real lessons in frustration, look no further than Petry and Domi. They show flashes of brilliance but are equally capable of extremely dumb plays that leave you shaking your head.
Lekhonen might never sparkle the way they can on occasion but he hardly ever, if at all, plumbs the depths of stupidity they manage to do with a frequency that is infuriating.
Worst ever!
(Feb. 17, 2020)
It's been asked who is the worst GM in Habs history. Why that is a subject for discussion now I have no idea but I will attempt to answer as best I can.
We can rule out Georges Mantha.
The defenceman played 488 games (1928-1941) and amassed 191 points.
So it's a toss-up between Gus Mancouso (1937-1940) and Garth Murray (2005-2008).
I'd have to say it's Mancouso who's the worst. The right winger only played 21 games, scored once and collected two assists.
Murray, on the other hand, played center a whopping 80 games and scored seven goals to go along with two assists.
(Feb. 17, 2020)
It's been asked who is the worst GM in Habs history. Why that is a subject for discussion now I have no idea but I will attempt to answer as best I can.
We can rule out Georges Mantha.
The defenceman played 488 games (1928-1941) and amassed 191 points.
So it's a toss-up between Gus Mancouso (1937-1940) and Garth Murray (2005-2008).
I'd have to say it's Mancouso who's the worst. The right winger only played 21 games, scored once and collected two assists.
Murray, on the other hand, played center a whopping 80 games and scored seven goals to go along with two assists.
Fealty for sale, we supply the pom poms
(Feb. 15, 2020)
The Canadiens shouldn't be the only ones selling at the trade deadline. We fans should get in on the action as well, by putting our loyalty up for sale.
There are a few teams around the league that certainly could use more supporters. We could flood their fan forums with expert counsel, pithy observations, and witty repartee, to drive up interest in the teams, no matter where they sit in the standings. We've developed a certain expertise in such matters, over the last decade or so. Now it's time to monetize our capacity for fealty before it's lost forever, or until such time the Canadiens make wholesale changes.
But we can't wait that long so let's start earning some big bucks right away as allegiance mercenaries.
Our fees would be high initially, while we can still muster some enthusiasm for our new favourite club.
After that they would decline annually as we grow more disenchanted with the team. It would require no extra labour on our part because, after the first year, we would start recycling everything we've said before, with some of the words moved around. We'd change the images every now and then, of course.
This could be a real money-maker for us if we market ourselves wisely.
I suggest we start with the Winnipeg Jets. They can't be happy with the RATW (Roughing After the Whistle) numbers.
(Feb. 15, 2020)
The Canadiens shouldn't be the only ones selling at the trade deadline. We fans should get in on the action as well, by putting our loyalty up for sale.
There are a few teams around the league that certainly could use more supporters. We could flood their fan forums with expert counsel, pithy observations, and witty repartee, to drive up interest in the teams, no matter where they sit in the standings. We've developed a certain expertise in such matters, over the last decade or so. Now it's time to monetize our capacity for fealty before it's lost forever, or until such time the Canadiens make wholesale changes.
But we can't wait that long so let's start earning some big bucks right away as allegiance mercenaries.
Our fees would be high initially, while we can still muster some enthusiasm for our new favourite club.
After that they would decline annually as we grow more disenchanted with the team. It would require no extra labour on our part because, after the first year, we would start recycling everything we've said before, with some of the words moved around. We'd change the images every now and then, of course.
This could be a real money-maker for us if we market ourselves wisely.
I suggest we start with the Winnipeg Jets. They can't be happy with the RATW (Roughing After the Whistle) numbers.
There's tanking, and then there's tanking
(Jan. 9, 2020)
"There's something inherently distasteful about deliberately tanking. The idea that you want your team to lose on purpose is really disgusting. It also probably does some nasty things to your players psyche that could take a long time to repair."
I agree. What's needed for a regeneration is a combination of pruning -- getting rid of older assets that don't fit into the team's long-term plans or can be traded for prospects -- and grafting -- adding parts that will contribute to a team's growth.
It's the fans who should be tanking, as I've posted elsewhere:
"Also in need of a reset is this notion of tanking.
It isn't the team that does the tanking -- Bergevin is doing well enough on his own in achieving poor results without needing to make it by design -- it's Hab fans who stand to gain from tanking ... their expectations.
Lower that threshold and you'll enjoy the games a lot more with every pass that's executed, every play that culminates in a goal.
The final score isn't so important then but should it be a win euphoria will reign. Until the next game.
I want the Canadiens to win. I'm happy when they do. I just need a fallback frame of mind for those stretches when they lose seven, eight, nine(?) times in a row."
(Jan. 9, 2020)
"There's something inherently distasteful about deliberately tanking. The idea that you want your team to lose on purpose is really disgusting. It also probably does some nasty things to your players psyche that could take a long time to repair."
I agree. What's needed for a regeneration is a combination of pruning -- getting rid of older assets that don't fit into the team's long-term plans or can be traded for prospects -- and grafting -- adding parts that will contribute to a team's growth.
It's the fans who should be tanking, as I've posted elsewhere:
"Also in need of a reset is this notion of tanking.
It isn't the team that does the tanking -- Bergevin is doing well enough on his own in achieving poor results without needing to make it by design -- it's Hab fans who stand to gain from tanking ... their expectations.
Lower that threshold and you'll enjoy the games a lot more with every pass that's executed, every play that culminates in a goal.
The final score isn't so important then but should it be a win euphoria will reign. Until the next game.
I want the Canadiens to win. I'm happy when they do. I just need a fallback frame of mind for those stretches when they lose seven, eight, nine(?) times in a row."
The veil lifts on the immediate future
(Jan. 1, 2020)
2020 – the year that everyone sees things as they are, and does what's needed to make them right. We hope.
As for predictions:
Bergevin and Julien are given their walking papers and shown the door. Long-suffering Hab fans finally get their parade ... when the two are escorted home at the front of a torch-lit procession.
In a stunning turn of events, the Greens assume power in a snap election that's called when the Liberals lose a vote of confidence over plans to have Bombardier build Canada's first spaceship, without calling tenders.
Trump is headed for re-election by a landslide until a prank call by a radio show host pretending to be Putin gets the Donald "to go over once again" his marching orders for the second term.
Climate change continues apace. Oceanfront properties in West Virginia command record prices. Canada's breadbasket, the Prairies, yields nothing but toast. Water bottling companies tap into rapidly melting glaciers. Polar bears are rounded up and outfitted with life preservers.
The invasion of people's privacy hurtles along, with people gladly consenting to giving up their rights. Google hits the jackpot with a collar that records every person's interaction – but also allows users to mimic the voice of their favourite celebrity.
Vaping becomes ever more popular, helped along with the introduction of colours in what people exhale. Competitions abound to see who can blow the best smoke. The contests are invariably won by politicians, advertisers or corporate leaders.
What does your crystal ball tell you?
(Jan. 1, 2020)
2020 – the year that everyone sees things as they are, and does what's needed to make them right. We hope.
As for predictions:
Bergevin and Julien are given their walking papers and shown the door. Long-suffering Hab fans finally get their parade ... when the two are escorted home at the front of a torch-lit procession.
In a stunning turn of events, the Greens assume power in a snap election that's called when the Liberals lose a vote of confidence over plans to have Bombardier build Canada's first spaceship, without calling tenders.
Trump is headed for re-election by a landslide until a prank call by a radio show host pretending to be Putin gets the Donald "to go over once again" his marching orders for the second term.
Climate change continues apace. Oceanfront properties in West Virginia command record prices. Canada's breadbasket, the Prairies, yields nothing but toast. Water bottling companies tap into rapidly melting glaciers. Polar bears are rounded up and outfitted with life preservers.
The invasion of people's privacy hurtles along, with people gladly consenting to giving up their rights. Google hits the jackpot with a collar that records every person's interaction – but also allows users to mimic the voice of their favourite celebrity.
Vaping becomes ever more popular, helped along with the introduction of colours in what people exhale. Competitions abound to see who can blow the best smoke. The contests are invariably won by politicians, advertisers or corporate leaders.
What does your crystal ball tell you?
Disappointments all around
(Dec. 30, 2019)
Molson's a disappointment.
Bergevin's a disappointment.
Julien's a disappointment.
Price is a disappointment.
The whole team is a disappointment.
And, just like them, we, Hab fans all, are a disappointment as well.
There's no getting around it.
There's nothing we've said that has made the team better.
There's nothing we've done to improve its performance.
We're worse than puds (without uniforms), we're healthy scratches who contribute nothing to a team's success.
Far from being important, we're impotent.
And that will never change.
Marches, demonstrations, petitions, boycotts, sitdowns, online denunciations -- individually and collectively -- aren't the answer.
Where does that leave us then, setting aside for the moment that kidnapping is not without its challenges?
We crowdfund a documentary setting out in sordid detail the many failings of the franchise over the past quarter-century and publicly shame the Canadiens into genuinely rehabilitating their organization and image.
Documentaries have proved themselves effective agents of change, whether it's bringing about justice or ending bad practices. The plight of Hab fans is no less deserving of this kind of scrutiny.
I'll leave it to my colleagues at Roughing After the Whistle to form the appropriate committee to rally the sheep and shepherd the project to fruition.
I suggest the film's working title be: The Montreal Canadiens: A Storied Franchise Without a Happy Ending.
But other suggestions will be most welcome when the committee convenes its first meeting.
(Dec. 30, 2019)
Molson's a disappointment.
Bergevin's a disappointment.
Julien's a disappointment.
Price is a disappointment.
The whole team is a disappointment.
And, just like them, we, Hab fans all, are a disappointment as well.
There's no getting around it.
There's nothing we've said that has made the team better.
There's nothing we've done to improve its performance.
We're worse than puds (without uniforms), we're healthy scratches who contribute nothing to a team's success.
Far from being important, we're impotent.
And that will never change.
Marches, demonstrations, petitions, boycotts, sitdowns, online denunciations -- individually and collectively -- aren't the answer.
Where does that leave us then, setting aside for the moment that kidnapping is not without its challenges?
We crowdfund a documentary setting out in sordid detail the many failings of the franchise over the past quarter-century and publicly shame the Canadiens into genuinely rehabilitating their organization and image.
Documentaries have proved themselves effective agents of change, whether it's bringing about justice or ending bad practices. The plight of Hab fans is no less deserving of this kind of scrutiny.
I'll leave it to my colleagues at Roughing After the Whistle to form the appropriate committee to rally the sheep and shepherd the project to fruition.
I suggest the film's working title be: The Montreal Canadiens: A Storied Franchise Without a Happy Ending.
But other suggestions will be most welcome when the committee convenes its first meeting.
Five things you should know about Christmas
(Dec. 23, 2019)
Some of you might know it already but here's the best Yuletide pun ever:
A couple were met on a tour of Moscow by a member of the Communist party who was to serve as their guide.
After introductions they began their walk about the city when the wife noted in passing it had begun to snow.
She was corrected by their guide who insisted it was raining.
The wife said no, it was snowing, and the guide repeated, more forcefully, that it was raining.
The two kept at it for a few more minutes, their tempers rising, when the husband, fearing the worse in an authoritarian country, defused the situation by telling his wife: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Dec. 25 marks the birth of Christianity and commercialism
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.
Every time his phone rings MB hopes he gets his centre.
Mistletoe is banned in Boston because there are just too many ugly people.
White(s Only) Christmas is Trump's favourite song.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
When white folk set the rules
Attended their own schools
And others knew where not to go
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas tweet I write:
To my friends, be merry, don't sweat
Another term in office I will get.
I'm dreaming of a right Christmas
Where people on the left are given coal
They can claim that I'm deranged
But like climate I won't change
Why should I when I'm perfect in my role
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
In a country with just one hue
Led by a man in-cred-ib-ly bright
Who's never wrong but always in the right
(Dec. 23, 2019)
Some of you might know it already but here's the best Yuletide pun ever:
A couple were met on a tour of Moscow by a member of the Communist party who was to serve as their guide.
After introductions they began their walk about the city when the wife noted in passing it had begun to snow.
She was corrected by their guide who insisted it was raining.
The wife said no, it was snowing, and the guide repeated, more forcefully, that it was raining.
The two kept at it for a few more minutes, their tempers rising, when the husband, fearing the worse in an authoritarian country, defused the situation by telling his wife: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Dec. 25 marks the birth of Christianity and commercialism
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings.
Every time his phone rings MB hopes he gets his centre.
Mistletoe is banned in Boston because there are just too many ugly people.
White(s Only) Christmas is Trump's favourite song.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
When white folk set the rules
Attended their own schools
And others knew where not to go
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas tweet I write:
To my friends, be merry, don't sweat
Another term in office I will get.
I'm dreaming of a right Christmas
Where people on the left are given coal
They can claim that I'm deranged
But like climate I won't change
Why should I when I'm perfect in my role
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
In a country with just one hue
Led by a man in-cred-ib-ly bright
Who's never wrong but always in the right
Five things to know before tonight's game against Edmonton
(Dec. 22, 2019)
1.) The Oilers' most famous number is Gretzky's 99, closely followed by Messier's 11. The team has had many other players who have worn duplicated numbers as well -- Charlie Huddy and Marty McSorley among them – but there's one twinned digit number that's never been worn by an Oiler. What is it? Answer below.
2.) Oddly enough the Canadiens also have the same duplicated number that's never been used, in addition to 99 (I suspect it's league-wide for the two numbers for obvious reasons).
Relying on memory alone name Hab players who have worn the other doubled digits, excluding current members of the team, ie, Gallagher (11) and Thompson (44).
Answers below.
3.) The holes through which skate laces are threaded are called eyelets.
Factoids about players' time on ice are called TOIlets (those stats guys, they're hilarious).
4.) Dave Tippett has coached 1,152 games in the NHL with three teams. Er, four teams. No, three teams. Uh ... Name them. Answer below.
5.) Edmonton's logo started out as a drop of oil. With just one playoff appearance in the last 13 years, it's now seen as a tear drop.
ANSWERS
1.)
Charlie Huddy 22 (and Luke Richardson), Marty McSorley 33, Zack Kassian 44, Igor Ulanov 55, Garry Unger 77, Brandon Davidson 88. So, the missing number is ..... I'm waiting .... yeah, 66! Way to go!
2.)
11 – Yvon Lambert, Ryan Walter, Saku Koivu ...
22 – John Ferguson, Steve Shutt, Don Marshall ...
33 – Patrick Roy, Richard Sevigny
44 -- Stephane Richer, Sheldon Souray ...
55 – Igor Ulanov, Francis Bouillon, Sergei Gonchar ...
77 -- Pierre Turgeon ...
88 – Chris Higgins, Brandon Davidson ...
4.) Tippett's coaching stints: Dallas, Phoenix, Arizona, Edmonton
(Dec. 22, 2019)
1.) The Oilers' most famous number is Gretzky's 99, closely followed by Messier's 11. The team has had many other players who have worn duplicated numbers as well -- Charlie Huddy and Marty McSorley among them – but there's one twinned digit number that's never been worn by an Oiler. What is it? Answer below.
2.) Oddly enough the Canadiens also have the same duplicated number that's never been used, in addition to 99 (I suspect it's league-wide for the two numbers for obvious reasons).
Relying on memory alone name Hab players who have worn the other doubled digits, excluding current members of the team, ie, Gallagher (11) and Thompson (44).
Answers below.
3.) The holes through which skate laces are threaded are called eyelets.
Factoids about players' time on ice are called TOIlets (those stats guys, they're hilarious).
4.) Dave Tippett has coached 1,152 games in the NHL with three teams. Er, four teams. No, three teams. Uh ... Name them. Answer below.
5.) Edmonton's logo started out as a drop of oil. With just one playoff appearance in the last 13 years, it's now seen as a tear drop.
ANSWERS
1.)
Charlie Huddy 22 (and Luke Richardson), Marty McSorley 33, Zack Kassian 44, Igor Ulanov 55, Garry Unger 77, Brandon Davidson 88. So, the missing number is ..... I'm waiting .... yeah, 66! Way to go!
2.)
11 – Yvon Lambert, Ryan Walter, Saku Koivu ...
22 – John Ferguson, Steve Shutt, Don Marshall ...
33 – Patrick Roy, Richard Sevigny
44 -- Stephane Richer, Sheldon Souray ...
55 – Igor Ulanov, Francis Bouillon, Sergei Gonchar ...
77 -- Pierre Turgeon ...
88 – Chris Higgins, Brandon Davidson ...
4.) Tippett's coaching stints: Dallas, Phoenix, Arizona, Edmonton
Five things you should know about tonight's game against Boston
(Nov. 26, 2019)
• Referee uniforms used to be black with white stripes before the league switched to today's version, white with black stripes.
• Montreal is the only team in the NHL that practises shooting high and wide in the warm-up.
• Although Carey Price can lay claim to being the winningest goaltender in Canadiens' history, 331 victories in more than 630 games, there are Hab fans he has yet to win over.
• When asked what he thought of coach Claude Julien singling him out for criticism after last Saturday's shocking 6-5 loss to the New York Rangers, Jesperi Kotkaniemi responded with what sounded like a string of expletives. When pressed, he explained he had unthinkingly reverted to speaking Finnish and made clear he had said “The coach was right, as usual. I always welcome his constructive advice.”
• To give him credit Brad Marchand is not a one-dimensional player: He's Detested, Despised and Despicable.
(Nov. 26, 2019)
• Referee uniforms used to be black with white stripes before the league switched to today's version, white with black stripes.
• Montreal is the only team in the NHL that practises shooting high and wide in the warm-up.
• Although Carey Price can lay claim to being the winningest goaltender in Canadiens' history, 331 victories in more than 630 games, there are Hab fans he has yet to win over.
• When asked what he thought of coach Claude Julien singling him out for criticism after last Saturday's shocking 6-5 loss to the New York Rangers, Jesperi Kotkaniemi responded with what sounded like a string of expletives. When pressed, he explained he had unthinkingly reverted to speaking Finnish and made clear he had said “The coach was right, as usual. I always welcome his constructive advice.”
• To give him credit Brad Marchand is not a one-dimensional player: He's Detested, Despised and Despicable.
Five things to know about tonight's game against the Rangers
(Nov. 23, 2019)
The players warm up by skating in circles. The Canadien defence think it's a drill for the game that follows.
After being a healthy scratch for six games an eager Mike Reilly is back in the lineup. Coach Claude Julien hopes the rearguard's enthusiasm is contagious.
Max Domi, who says in his new book he “was excited to learn how to score goals in new ways,” told reporters yesterday he wishes he could remember “the old ways,” having scored just once in his last 17 games.
“The nudge-the-puck-over-the-goal-line-with-my-backside-after-'falling'-in-the-crease is no longer in my arsenal,” he said.
Hockey Night in Canada tonight will unveil its new first intermission segment that replaces Coach's Corner: Bob Cole Remembers.
“We didn't want to lose our demographic,” a Sportsnet host said.
Montreal has 27 points in 22 games, New York has 20 points in 20 games, but the Rangers haven't gone as long without a championship as the Canadiens.
(Nov. 23, 2019)
The players warm up by skating in circles. The Canadien defence think it's a drill for the game that follows.
After being a healthy scratch for six games an eager Mike Reilly is back in the lineup. Coach Claude Julien hopes the rearguard's enthusiasm is contagious.
Max Domi, who says in his new book he “was excited to learn how to score goals in new ways,” told reporters yesterday he wishes he could remember “the old ways,” having scored just once in his last 17 games.
“The nudge-the-puck-over-the-goal-line-with-my-backside-after-'falling'-in-the-crease is no longer in my arsenal,” he said.
Hockey Night in Canada tonight will unveil its new first intermission segment that replaces Coach's Corner: Bob Cole Remembers.
“We didn't want to lose our demographic,” a Sportsnet host said.
Montreal has 27 points in 22 games, New York has 20 points in 20 games, but the Rangers haven't gone as long without a championship as the Canadiens.
The language divide: Part 2
(Nov. 22, 2019)
Did anyone think Therrien was a vastly superior choice when he was hired a second time? Has it ever happened that a team won the Cup with a coach on his second go with the club? Were the Habs trying to make history?
So, I ask, was Therrien the best coach available, or simply the best French-speaking coach available?
It's players you want? Fine. Who's responsible for finding them? The general manager.
But in Montreal, as with the coach, he must speak French, a reasonable expectation, given the Canadiens' special status in the community.
That has become a problem, however, if the team is sincere about winning another championship.
None of the 10 general managers chosen the best among their peers the last decade speaks French, as far as I know: Don Sweeney, George McPhee, David Poile, Jim Rutherford, Steve Yzerman, Bob Murray, Ray Shero, Doug Armstrong, Mike Gillis, and Don Maloney.
(Of note, seven were Ontario-born.)
None of these gentlemen, then, would be considered for the GM position in Montreal. Despite most of them being vastly superior to the person who holds that title now.
The same with with all but one of the GMs who won Cups in the 10 years before that, including Lou Lamoriello – a three-time winner – and Ken Holland, who won it twice. The others were Shero, Rutherford, Jay Feaster, Brian Burke and Bob Gainey.
Only Gainey would be considered acceptable and he was given that opportunity. The others wouldn't even get a phone call.
Now, all things considered, faced with two candidates of equivalent competence and expertise, but only one with the ability to speak French, the obvious choice for the Canadiens would be the latter.
Even if somewhat less accomplished than his rival in the final analysis.
But if the anglophone were superior – forget about vastly – he'd be out of luck.
And the team would be the worse for it.
In theory.
And in practice, or so it appears, seeing as Montreal has spun its wheels for more than two decades holding firm to its hiring policy.
That's why Bergevin has kept his job: His potential replacements are fewer in number for the Canadiens than they are for other teams in the same leaky boat.
Unless, as you say, “ ... if 'the right one', this mystical genius, happened to shake loose at the right time, I do believe the team would hire him, PR hit or no.”
History suggests otherwise.
I don't see it as anything more than a fantasy.
It might be I've grown cynical in elderhood.
(Nov. 22, 2019)
Did anyone think Therrien was a vastly superior choice when he was hired a second time? Has it ever happened that a team won the Cup with a coach on his second go with the club? Were the Habs trying to make history?
So, I ask, was Therrien the best coach available, or simply the best French-speaking coach available?
It's players you want? Fine. Who's responsible for finding them? The general manager.
But in Montreal, as with the coach, he must speak French, a reasonable expectation, given the Canadiens' special status in the community.
That has become a problem, however, if the team is sincere about winning another championship.
None of the 10 general managers chosen the best among their peers the last decade speaks French, as far as I know: Don Sweeney, George McPhee, David Poile, Jim Rutherford, Steve Yzerman, Bob Murray, Ray Shero, Doug Armstrong, Mike Gillis, and Don Maloney.
(Of note, seven were Ontario-born.)
None of these gentlemen, then, would be considered for the GM position in Montreal. Despite most of them being vastly superior to the person who holds that title now.
The same with with all but one of the GMs who won Cups in the 10 years before that, including Lou Lamoriello – a three-time winner – and Ken Holland, who won it twice. The others were Shero, Rutherford, Jay Feaster, Brian Burke and Bob Gainey.
Only Gainey would be considered acceptable and he was given that opportunity. The others wouldn't even get a phone call.
Now, all things considered, faced with two candidates of equivalent competence and expertise, but only one with the ability to speak French, the obvious choice for the Canadiens would be the latter.
Even if somewhat less accomplished than his rival in the final analysis.
But if the anglophone were superior – forget about vastly – he'd be out of luck.
And the team would be the worse for it.
In theory.
And in practice, or so it appears, seeing as Montreal has spun its wheels for more than two decades holding firm to its hiring policy.
That's why Bergevin has kept his job: His potential replacements are fewer in number for the Canadiens than they are for other teams in the same leaky boat.
Unless, as you say, “ ... if 'the right one', this mystical genius, happened to shake loose at the right time, I do believe the team would hire him, PR hit or no.”
History suggests otherwise.
I don't see it as anything more than a fantasy.
It might be I've grown cynical in elderhood.
The language divide
(Nov. 22, 2019)
"The notion that we're somehow deprived of these legions of vastly superior coaches because of the mythical language requirement is nonsense."
That's not the argument being made.
A more accurate assertion would be:
Canadiens, for reasons of the marketplace, shrink the pool of coaching candidates they're willing to consider by requiring they speak French. What the team is depriving itself of is the array of choices its rivals have, which places Montreal at a competitive disadvantage.
For that reason alone the rest of the league has an edge in attracting talent behind the bench.
To say otherwise is nonsense.
Yes, francophone coaches punch above their number, with seven of the last 20 Jack Adams winners being able to speak both languages.
But it wasn't their ability to speak both languages that won them the Cup.
After so many years of futility, Canadien fans would be ecstatic if their team landed merely superior coaches, forget about vastly, however limited their linguistic skills.
The more options a team has, one would think, the better its chance of success in landing the right person for the job.
Reducing those chances for purely marketing purposes hasn't proved a winning strategy.
And icing a perpetually underwhelming team but one led by a French-speaking coach can by no stretch of the imagination be considered a marketer's dream.
If as you say, the problem doesn't lie with its coach but its manager, well, then the team should hire one who's competent -- even if he is unilingual.
When was the last time the Canadiens tried that?
(Nov. 22, 2019)
"The notion that we're somehow deprived of these legions of vastly superior coaches because of the mythical language requirement is nonsense."
That's not the argument being made.
A more accurate assertion would be:
Canadiens, for reasons of the marketplace, shrink the pool of coaching candidates they're willing to consider by requiring they speak French. What the team is depriving itself of is the array of choices its rivals have, which places Montreal at a competitive disadvantage.
For that reason alone the rest of the league has an edge in attracting talent behind the bench.
To say otherwise is nonsense.
Yes, francophone coaches punch above their number, with seven of the last 20 Jack Adams winners being able to speak both languages.
But it wasn't their ability to speak both languages that won them the Cup.
After so many years of futility, Canadien fans would be ecstatic if their team landed merely superior coaches, forget about vastly, however limited their linguistic skills.
The more options a team has, one would think, the better its chance of success in landing the right person for the job.
Reducing those chances for purely marketing purposes hasn't proved a winning strategy.
And icing a perpetually underwhelming team but one led by a French-speaking coach can by no stretch of the imagination be considered a marketer's dream.
If as you say, the problem doesn't lie with its coach but its manager, well, then the team should hire one who's competent -- even if he is unilingual.
When was the last time the Canadiens tried that?
Five things you should know about game against Columbus
(Nov. 19, 2019)
The teams switch ends after each period.
As the visiting team Montreal will be hoping to find away to win.
The coaching staff stand the entire time each period.
At 71.9 per cent, 30th in the league, the Canadiens' penalty killing is killing the Canadiens.
PK Subban no longer plays for the Canadiens.
(Nov. 19, 2019)
The teams switch ends after each period.
As the visiting team Montreal will be hoping to find away to win.
The coaching staff stand the entire time each period.
At 71.9 per cent, 30th in the league, the Canadiens' penalty killing is killing the Canadiens.
PK Subban no longer plays for the Canadiens.
Sorry if you took offence
(Nov. 16, 2019)
Unlike Don Cherry I will admit to having crossed the line and offer an apology for a remark I made last night at 10:11 p.m., specifically comment No. 278: "#$#%#$@?* Summiteers!"
In retrospect, I wrongly blamed them, out of anger and disappointment, for the Canadiens' 4-3 OT loss to the New Jersey Devils.
I attributed to them the ability to influence the outcome of games which they clearly do not possess.
Perhaps if a different set of RATW members, superior in intellect and vigor, had attended the match the result might have been more to the liking of Hab fans but that is mere speculation on my part, however well-founded.
In the absence of concrete evidence pointing to their fuelling a Devils' comeback by showing insufficient support for the home team or singing Ole Ole at an inopportune time, I wish to state that I was ill-mannered in calling them out and I herewith offer my sincere apology if the snowflakes were offended.
(Nov. 16, 2019)
Unlike Don Cherry I will admit to having crossed the line and offer an apology for a remark I made last night at 10:11 p.m., specifically comment No. 278: "#$#%#$@?* Summiteers!"
In retrospect, I wrongly blamed them, out of anger and disappointment, for the Canadiens' 4-3 OT loss to the New Jersey Devils.
I attributed to them the ability to influence the outcome of games which they clearly do not possess.
Perhaps if a different set of RATW members, superior in intellect and vigor, had attended the match the result might have been more to the liking of Hab fans but that is mere speculation on my part, however well-founded.
In the absence of concrete evidence pointing to their fuelling a Devils' comeback by showing insufficient support for the home team or singing Ole Ole at an inopportune time, I wish to state that I was ill-mannered in calling them out and I herewith offer my sincere apology if the snowflakes were offended.
Who won Weber-Subban trade?
(Nov. 14, 2019)
Nashville won the trade (Montreal should have received more)
Since then Nashville has been in the playoffs = 3 times
Since then Montreal has been in the playoffs = 1 time
Anything can happen in the playoffs ...
Since then Nashville has won the Cup = 0 times
Since then Montreal has won the Cup = 0 times
A tie?
Well, Pred fans can feel better about losing in the playoffs than Hab fans can feel about not making the playoffs.
Nashville fans are better losers.
(Nov. 14, 2019)
Nashville won the trade (Montreal should have received more)
Since then Nashville has been in the playoffs = 3 times
Since then Montreal has been in the playoffs = 1 time
Anything can happen in the playoffs ...
Since then Nashville has won the Cup = 0 times
Since then Montreal has won the Cup = 0 times
A tie?
Well, Pred fans can feel better about losing in the playoffs than Hab fans can feel about not making the playoffs.
Nashville fans are better losers.
A zircon in the rough ... who's rough
(Aug. 21, 2019)
GM Marc Bergevin is constantly looking for unheralded players who could help his team at bargain basement prices.
I think I've found one.
Sven Svenson: Strapping forward who plays for the Borgholm Raggmunk (theme song: “R, I say R-A, R-A-G, R-A-G-G ...”). Slow of foot but quick to anger, Svenson (“Don't call me Jönsson”) has carved out a reputation for toughness by using his stick to good, often enfeebling, effect.
Wraps his blade in red tape to hide bloodstains.
Was once fined 35,000 krona for attaching brass knuckles to gloves.
Superb penalty-killer, in part, because, as he says: “The other guys know I'm prepared to kill more than a penalty when I'm out there.”
Has one career goal but it made highlight reels after game film was entered as evidence at inquest.
(Aug. 21, 2019)
GM Marc Bergevin is constantly looking for unheralded players who could help his team at bargain basement prices.
I think I've found one.
Sven Svenson: Strapping forward who plays for the Borgholm Raggmunk (theme song: “R, I say R-A, R-A-G, R-A-G-G ...”). Slow of foot but quick to anger, Svenson (“Don't call me Jönsson”) has carved out a reputation for toughness by using his stick to good, often enfeebling, effect.
Wraps his blade in red tape to hide bloodstains.
Was once fined 35,000 krona for attaching brass knuckles to gloves.
Superb penalty-killer, in part, because, as he says: “The other guys know I'm prepared to kill more than a penalty when I'm out there.”
Has one career goal but it made highlight reels after game film was entered as evidence at inquest.
Keep our fingers crossed
(Aug. 17, 2019)
It's a well-known fact that Marc Bergevin is very superstitious.
I have no real evidence of this but saying so really strengthens the argument I'm about to make.
(And we have ample proof the last two-and-a-half years that this guff actually works.)
So knowing as we do that Bergevin is highly superstitious, it's safe to assume he's experienced, as we all have, bad luck at times in his career because of something he did inadvertently.
Now it could be the bad luck he's suffered is nothing than a series of unfortunate but random incidents that have nothing to do with the supernatural.
But his body of work as GM of the Montreal Canadiens clearly points to his having done something so horribly wrong that the gods took great offence and are punishing him accordingly.
And what was it he did?
Break a mirror. There's no other explanation.
Again I have nothing in the way of facts or eyewitness accounts to substantiate this claim except to state it EMPHATICALLY in caps.
Countless times, if necessary.
(Some people can't handle the truthiness.)
If we accept this business about the mirror – and trust me, you're about to – then Bergevin condemned himself to seven years of bad luck.
Seven years.
Which means Bergevin has now completed his sentence and begins his eighth season with a clean slate.
Great news, no?
All he has to do now is stay clear of mirrors (this could present a problem), salt shakers and black cats.
He could also hang a horseshoe over the dressing room door, to garner some good luck. (If the Canadiens have one there now they need to replace it.)
There are those, no doubt, who will scoff at what I say out of ignorance of things beyond most people's understanding (escrow being another).
They'll come to regret the folly of their skepticism when the Canadiens get off to a quick start and gather speed as the season wears on, only coming to a stop when they're about to be presented the Stanley Cup.
But all bets are off if Bergevin walks under a ladder. Corporate or otherwise.
(Aug. 17, 2019)
It's a well-known fact that Marc Bergevin is very superstitious.
I have no real evidence of this but saying so really strengthens the argument I'm about to make.
(And we have ample proof the last two-and-a-half years that this guff actually works.)
So knowing as we do that Bergevin is highly superstitious, it's safe to assume he's experienced, as we all have, bad luck at times in his career because of something he did inadvertently.
Now it could be the bad luck he's suffered is nothing than a series of unfortunate but random incidents that have nothing to do with the supernatural.
But his body of work as GM of the Montreal Canadiens clearly points to his having done something so horribly wrong that the gods took great offence and are punishing him accordingly.
And what was it he did?
Break a mirror. There's no other explanation.
Again I have nothing in the way of facts or eyewitness accounts to substantiate this claim except to state it EMPHATICALLY in caps.
Countless times, if necessary.
(Some people can't handle the truthiness.)
If we accept this business about the mirror – and trust me, you're about to – then Bergevin condemned himself to seven years of bad luck.
Seven years.
Which means Bergevin has now completed his sentence and begins his eighth season with a clean slate.
Great news, no?
All he has to do now is stay clear of mirrors (this could present a problem), salt shakers and black cats.
He could also hang a horseshoe over the dressing room door, to garner some good luck. (If the Canadiens have one there now they need to replace it.)
There are those, no doubt, who will scoff at what I say out of ignorance of things beyond most people's understanding (escrow being another).
They'll come to regret the folly of their skepticism when the Canadiens get off to a quick start and gather speed as the season wears on, only coming to a stop when they're about to be presented the Stanley Cup.
But all bets are off if Bergevin walks under a ladder. Corporate or otherwise.
Give Bergie the benefit of our doubts
(Aug. 16, 2019)
Maybe we're being a little hasty in wanting Bergevin out as general manager.
After all the great Lou Lamoriello didn't win a Cup until his 8th season as GM of the Devils.
2019-20 will be Bergivin's 8th season as GM of the Canadiens.
I rest my case.
What, you want more facts to help you make one giant leap of faith for fankind?
What about this: It took Doug Armstrong, GM of the reigning NHL champion St. Louis Blues, 14 years -- yes, 14 years! -- to land the Holy Moly Grail.
He spent five years getting his feet wet in Dallas before diving into the deep end at St. Louis and coming up smelling of roses nine years later.
Then there's Jim Rutherford: 12 years in Carolina before he made a splash with a Cup win in 2006.
And Jim Devellano. Eight years in Detroit before hoisting the Cup, without benefit of a petard (or even a Menard; Howie only played three games for the Wings and that was back in 1963-64).
Eight years for Brian Burke as well (although it happened in just his second season at Anaheim, after stints in Hartford and Vancouver)
So, there is precedent that Bergevin could achieve greatness in the coming months that talent denied him as a player.
To counter that by saying Brian MacLellan (Washington), Bowman (Chicago), Lombardi (Los Angeles), Chiarelli (Boston), Holland (Detroit), Shero (Pittsburgh), Feaster (Tamp Bay), Lacroix (Colorado), Gainey (Dallas), Smith (Rangers) and Savard (Montreal) all had Cup wins to their credit at the same point in their tenure as Bergevin's would be peevish, churlish and, dare I say, shrewish in the extreme.
So, let us temper our ill temper and give Bergevin the benefit of our considerable doubts. For at least seven more seasons.
He could be an Armstrong in the making.
(It would make for a nice sign that Hab fans could hold up at home games: Be (Arm)strong!)
(Aug. 16, 2019)
Maybe we're being a little hasty in wanting Bergevin out as general manager.
After all the great Lou Lamoriello didn't win a Cup until his 8th season as GM of the Devils.
2019-20 will be Bergivin's 8th season as GM of the Canadiens.
I rest my case.
What, you want more facts to help you make one giant leap of faith for fankind?
What about this: It took Doug Armstrong, GM of the reigning NHL champion St. Louis Blues, 14 years -- yes, 14 years! -- to land the Holy Moly Grail.
He spent five years getting his feet wet in Dallas before diving into the deep end at St. Louis and coming up smelling of roses nine years later.
Then there's Jim Rutherford: 12 years in Carolina before he made a splash with a Cup win in 2006.
And Jim Devellano. Eight years in Detroit before hoisting the Cup, without benefit of a petard (or even a Menard; Howie only played three games for the Wings and that was back in 1963-64).
Eight years for Brian Burke as well (although it happened in just his second season at Anaheim, after stints in Hartford and Vancouver)
So, there is precedent that Bergevin could achieve greatness in the coming months that talent denied him as a player.
To counter that by saying Brian MacLellan (Washington), Bowman (Chicago), Lombardi (Los Angeles), Chiarelli (Boston), Holland (Detroit), Shero (Pittsburgh), Feaster (Tamp Bay), Lacroix (Colorado), Gainey (Dallas), Smith (Rangers) and Savard (Montreal) all had Cup wins to their credit at the same point in their tenure as Bergevin's would be peevish, churlish and, dare I say, shrewish in the extreme.
So, let us temper our ill temper and give Bergevin the benefit of our considerable doubts. For at least seven more seasons.
He could be an Armstrong in the making.
(It would make for a nice sign that Hab fans could hold up at home games: Be (Arm)strong!)
From the Vault: Hab D should never get cornered
(April 24, 2013)
I worry about the email service in this country. I don’t know how many times I’ve sent a message to Therrien (making sure to add the CC so it would be certain to reach the Canadiens coach) and not once, not a single solitary once, has any reached him.
(To consider the alternative, that he, in fact, has received them but is so daunted by the brilliance of my suggestion that he’s too timidified to act upon it, is just too disappointing to considerize.)
So, I’ll throw it out – no, not that way, this way, as in – put it to my fellow commentariatti to let them make of my proposal what they will. Your Hectoring Insipid Opinions I await.
I should warn you that what you’re about to read I have posted here before so if at the end of the next paragraph you’re thinking ‘I’ve been deja vued!’ you’d be correct and ungrammatical.
My idea, then, is this: Protect our tired, our worn, our huddled-in-the-corner defence corps by insisting they never, EVER go to the boards behind the red line before any opponent. The Be My Guest strategem spares them from being on the receiving end of punishing checks and instead places them in the position of being the ones who actually deliver them (this part, I realize, requires a leap of faith, but isn’t that what being a Hab fan is all about?).
Now even from a great distance I can hear skeptics clearing their throats – scoff, scoff – to register – scoff, scoff – their disbelief in – scoff, scoff – in a civilized – scoff, scoffFOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, SHADDUP WILLYA!!
Where was I? Oh yes, the accepted wisdom is that a team should always try to gain control of the puck, especially in their own end. In the minds of many, stepping aside to let the other side take possession of the little black thing is sheer lunacy.
I beg to differ but, unfortunately, am unable to marshal any statistics in support of my position. But I have played industrial league hockey so I think I know what I’m talking about (even if it was non-contact).
To reiterate what I’ve just repeated from other posts, when the puck is dumped into the corner at the Canadiens’ end of the rink, let the dumpers pick up their own dumplings, as the pros say, and make them pay the consequences. The victims – Hab rearguards – would become the victimizers – Hab blackguards.
I fervently believe this approach would extend the shelf life of the D-men considerably – Markov could probably play another two months – and make them more effective at preventing goals. If the other team wants to put the puck behind the net instead of behind the goaltender, hell, let them. Just don’t make it easy for them to put it back out front.
I’d love to stick around and answer questions – “No, I’ve never been institutionalized. In this country.” – but I’ve given up emailing Therrien. It’s time he heard it in person.
Road trip!
— “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.” --
(April 24, 2013)
I worry about the email service in this country. I don’t know how many times I’ve sent a message to Therrien (making sure to add the CC so it would be certain to reach the Canadiens coach) and not once, not a single solitary once, has any reached him.
(To consider the alternative, that he, in fact, has received them but is so daunted by the brilliance of my suggestion that he’s too timidified to act upon it, is just too disappointing to considerize.)
So, I’ll throw it out – no, not that way, this way, as in – put it to my fellow commentariatti to let them make of my proposal what they will. Your Hectoring Insipid Opinions I await.
I should warn you that what you’re about to read I have posted here before so if at the end of the next paragraph you’re thinking ‘I’ve been deja vued!’ you’d be correct and ungrammatical.
My idea, then, is this: Protect our tired, our worn, our huddled-in-the-corner defence corps by insisting they never, EVER go to the boards behind the red line before any opponent. The Be My Guest strategem spares them from being on the receiving end of punishing checks and instead places them in the position of being the ones who actually deliver them (this part, I realize, requires a leap of faith, but isn’t that what being a Hab fan is all about?).
Now even from a great distance I can hear skeptics clearing their throats – scoff, scoff – to register – scoff, scoff – their disbelief in – scoff, scoff – in a civilized – scoff, scoffFOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD, SHADDUP WILLYA!!
Where was I? Oh yes, the accepted wisdom is that a team should always try to gain control of the puck, especially in their own end. In the minds of many, stepping aside to let the other side take possession of the little black thing is sheer lunacy.
I beg to differ but, unfortunately, am unable to marshal any statistics in support of my position. But I have played industrial league hockey so I think I know what I’m talking about (even if it was non-contact).
To reiterate what I’ve just repeated from other posts, when the puck is dumped into the corner at the Canadiens’ end of the rink, let the dumpers pick up their own dumplings, as the pros say, and make them pay the consequences. The victims – Hab rearguards – would become the victimizers – Hab blackguards.
I fervently believe this approach would extend the shelf life of the D-men considerably – Markov could probably play another two months – and make them more effective at preventing goals. If the other team wants to put the puck behind the net instead of behind the goaltender, hell, let them. Just don’t make it easy for them to put it back out front.
I’d love to stick around and answer questions – “No, I’ve never been institutionalized. In this country.” – but I’ve given up emailing Therrien. It’s time he heard it in person.
Road trip!
— “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.” --
Don't wait until career over to honor players
(Jan. 26, 2019)
Why should future Hall of Famers have to wait until they're out the game before they are inducted?
We all know now that Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin, Bergeron, Doughty and Subban (picture if you will a baited hook) will be named to the Hall after their careers come to an end so why not acknowledge the fact during their playing days? With a ceremony during the All-Star break.
The American Film Institute hands out Lifetime Achievement Awards to men and women still working in movies. Same with the Golden Globes (Jeff Bridges was the recipient this year).
Movies. Hockey. It's all entertainment. The NHL could learn a thing or two from show business.
Crosby et al could even wear special badges identifying them as Hall of Famers.
The Code could also be amended to provide them with certain protection, the unspoken rule being players who have achieved such exalted status are to be treated with respect, if only to prolong their careers so that we might enjoy their genius longer.
(Jan. 26, 2019)
Why should future Hall of Famers have to wait until they're out the game before they are inducted?
We all know now that Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin, Bergeron, Doughty and Subban (picture if you will a baited hook) will be named to the Hall after their careers come to an end so why not acknowledge the fact during their playing days? With a ceremony during the All-Star break.
The American Film Institute hands out Lifetime Achievement Awards to men and women still working in movies. Same with the Golden Globes (Jeff Bridges was the recipient this year).
Movies. Hockey. It's all entertainment. The NHL could learn a thing or two from show business.
Crosby et al could even wear special badges identifying them as Hall of Famers.
The Code could also be amended to provide them with certain protection, the unspoken rule being players who have achieved such exalted status are to be treated with respect, if only to prolong their careers so that we might enjoy their genius longer.
It's in your corner, Don
(Oct. 27, 2018)
I'll be shocked, nay, stunned if Don Cherry doesn't tear a strip off Ryan Strome in tonight's Coach's Corner.
Strome was the poor soul who was deked out of his jockstrap this week by Sidney Crosby on the superstar's overtime goal in Pittsburgh's 6-5 win over the Edmonton Oilers.
Strome's crime wasn't getting beaten by the future Hall of Famer, it was NOT going after Crosby and exacting revenge for making him look foolish.
That will be Cherry's furious point if he holds fast to the logic he employed last week in 'explaining' Mike Matheson's takedown of Vancouver Canuck forward Elias Pettersson.
The Florida Panther was suspended two games for interference and unsportsmanlike conduct.
Matheson “got made a monkey out of” by Pettersson who executed a nice deke that left the defenceman sprawled on the ice.
Pettersson ended up with the puck behind the net with his back to the play, even though “he knows (Matheson) is mad” and will be gunning for him, Cherry says, and the rookie, justifiably, pays the price by getting rammed into the boards from behind and body slammed to the ice.
“Maybe in the Ice Follies in Sweden you can make a fool of a guy,” Cherry declared, but you don't do that in the NHL.
The coach went on to excoriate Canuck coach Travis Green for putting pressure on the league to punish Matheson when The Code clearly states it's the Canucks who should take care of business when they play the Panthers again.
When Ron MacLean protested it could result in another incident like that involving Todd Bertuzzi (who, in 2004, knocked out Steve Moore with a sucker punch and then drove his face into the ice), Cherry rebuffed him by saying “You don't understand, you don't know the game.”
Okay, Don, we don't, so it's back in your court/corner tonight to enlighten the unwashed once again with another instructive example of how the game should be played.
Crosby made a fool of Strome – and didn't even get whacked in the back of the head when he celebrated his goal! The arrogance of the man!
And what a wimp that Strome is. He's a Canadian, for gawd sakes!
Wait, he's a Canadian?
Oh, well that settles it. We won't hear a peep out of Cherry tonight then.
Which would be nice if he stayed that way for the entire seven-minute segment, a welcome break from his usual cock-of-the-walk-a-doodle-doing.*
*Yes, yes, I know I DON”T have to watch Coach's Corner if it upsets me so much. I can always change the channel.
But being indolent by nature what better way to get exercised without having to leave the couch.
I don't work out, I get worked up.
It's all the same to the heart.
(Oct. 27, 2018)
I'll be shocked, nay, stunned if Don Cherry doesn't tear a strip off Ryan Strome in tonight's Coach's Corner.
Strome was the poor soul who was deked out of his jockstrap this week by Sidney Crosby on the superstar's overtime goal in Pittsburgh's 6-5 win over the Edmonton Oilers.
Strome's crime wasn't getting beaten by the future Hall of Famer, it was NOT going after Crosby and exacting revenge for making him look foolish.
That will be Cherry's furious point if he holds fast to the logic he employed last week in 'explaining' Mike Matheson's takedown of Vancouver Canuck forward Elias Pettersson.
The Florida Panther was suspended two games for interference and unsportsmanlike conduct.
Matheson “got made a monkey out of” by Pettersson who executed a nice deke that left the defenceman sprawled on the ice.
Pettersson ended up with the puck behind the net with his back to the play, even though “he knows (Matheson) is mad” and will be gunning for him, Cherry says, and the rookie, justifiably, pays the price by getting rammed into the boards from behind and body slammed to the ice.
“Maybe in the Ice Follies in Sweden you can make a fool of a guy,” Cherry declared, but you don't do that in the NHL.
The coach went on to excoriate Canuck coach Travis Green for putting pressure on the league to punish Matheson when The Code clearly states it's the Canucks who should take care of business when they play the Panthers again.
When Ron MacLean protested it could result in another incident like that involving Todd Bertuzzi (who, in 2004, knocked out Steve Moore with a sucker punch and then drove his face into the ice), Cherry rebuffed him by saying “You don't understand, you don't know the game.”
Okay, Don, we don't, so it's back in your court/corner tonight to enlighten the unwashed once again with another instructive example of how the game should be played.
Crosby made a fool of Strome – and didn't even get whacked in the back of the head when he celebrated his goal! The arrogance of the man!
And what a wimp that Strome is. He's a Canadian, for gawd sakes!
Wait, he's a Canadian?
Oh, well that settles it. We won't hear a peep out of Cherry tonight then.
Which would be nice if he stayed that way for the entire seven-minute segment, a welcome break from his usual cock-of-the-walk-a-doodle-doing.*
*Yes, yes, I know I DON”T have to watch Coach's Corner if it upsets me so much. I can always change the channel.
But being indolent by nature what better way to get exercised without having to leave the couch.
I don't work out, I get worked up.
It's all the same to the heart.
Odds and ends
George Bernard Shaw wrote plays.
Andrew Shaw* botches 'em.
*His nickname should be Saint Bernard. Every time he's on the ice I feel like I need a drink. Except it's a powder keg he carries that's liable to explode at any time, and blow up the team's chances of winning. (Oct. 26, 2018)
George Bernard Shaw wrote plays.
Andrew Shaw* botches 'em.
*His nickname should be Saint Bernard. Every time he's on the ice I feel like I need a drink. Except it's a powder keg he carries that's liable to explode at any time, and blow up the team's chances of winning. (Oct. 26, 2018)
Is Habs' first pick a stud or a dud?
(June 22, 2018)
After drafting centre Jesperi Kotkaniemi in the first round,, the Canadiens likely will have to wait two years to find out if their pick will get tagged as Cockamamie because it was a “ridiculous” selection, or become known as Cockamamie for being an “incredible” choice.
That's how hard it is judge right now if Montreal made the wise move long term.
Even one of the league's premier scouting teams, Merriam and Webster, is divided on the pick:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cockamamy
(June 22, 2018)
After drafting centre Jesperi Kotkaniemi in the first round,, the Canadiens likely will have to wait two years to find out if their pick will get tagged as Cockamamie because it was a “ridiculous” selection, or become known as Cockamamie for being an “incredible” choice.
That's how hard it is judge right now if Montreal made the wise move long term.
Even one of the league's premier scouting teams, Merriam and Webster, is divided on the pick:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cockamamy
This is it, the night of Knights
(May 26, 2018)
“Gerry, there's a guy here to see you.”
“Tell him to set up an appointment. I'm busy putting the finishing touches to the game plan for tonight.”
“Uh, Gerry, he's”
[A stocky short man with broad shoulders in form-fitting suit coat and pants brushes his way past the team official and confidently strolls into Gallant's office]
“Mr. Gallant, pleasure to meet you. Name's Angelo Dispato but you can call me Drill Bit. It's a specialty of mine.”
[yelling] “Who are you? And what the hell are you doing in my office?”
[Drill Bit holds up ham-sized palms in a placating manner] “Please, Mr. Gallant, there's no need to get angry. I understand your thoughts are elsewhere, preparing for tonight's game. To think, an expansion team making it to the Stanley Cup final. We're very proud of you and the players.”
“Who's proud of me? If you don't tell me who you are and why you're here, I swear, I'll toss you out of this room on your keister.”
[Drill Bit lowers his palms slightly, the same with the corners of his lips]
“Gerry, that wouldn't be very wise. Throwing out one of the Knights' silent partners. That would really hurt your career ... and you.”
“Are you threatening me? And what do you mean by silent partner?”
“A guy who put up most of the money for your owner [waggles his fingers] so he could start the franchise, without feeling the need to tell everyone about it. What can I say, I'm a quiet kind of guy. Until now. So forgive me if I think $400 million gives me the right to talk to MY [said emphatically] coach any time I feel like it. And today I feel like we should get acquainted.”
“Okay, okay, what is it you want? I'm not sitting or dressing a player just because you say so. And there's now way I'm changing my lines.”
“Gerry, it's a team sport, I don't concern myself with the individual parts. I look at the big picture. And what I see is this team winning the Stanley Cup all because of you. I don't know what those jerks in Florida or imbéciles in Montreal were thinking when they let you go. Here you are, about to win it all, and they didn't even make the playoffs.”
[stuttering] “Why, thank you, Mr. Dispa...Drill Bit. That was awfully nice of you to say.”
“Came from the heart, Gerry. You're going to be the difference in this series. Which is why I have a favour to ask of you, if you really want to thank me.”
“Certainly. It's the least I can do. When they interview me after the final game and we've won the Cup I'll be sure to mention your name. I think it's time everybody knew what you've done for the team. I'm glad you confided in me. That's a real vote of confidence, Drill Bit.”
“I knew I could count on you, Gerry. But I don't want you thankin' nobody. Because there will be no reason to. Just making the final is thanks enough. Don't ruin it by winning it.”
“Wha-wha-whatttt!!! You want us to throw the series?”
“Gerry, Gerry, Gerry, don't think of it as thowing, think of it as a plucky little team of misfits that showed the critics how stupid they were, only to have reality set in and the established team, the team that's never lived up to its promise, finally come through and win a championship. Ovie and Trotz deserve it, don't you think?”
[shouting] “No, no I don't. We deserve to win the championship too! A bunch of castoffs who defied the odds.”
[grimly] That's right, Gerry. You and your pals defied the odds. A good news story. We were pulling for you. But here's how it's going to end, and it's not by defying the [drags it out] odds-makers, the ones like me who stand to lose a ton of money if the Knights win it all after making you guys long shots before the season started. You wouldn't believe how much my friends will have to shell put if that happens. And we know it's not gonna happen, right, Gerry?
[sputtering] “You can't get away with this! I'm phoning the commissioner!
[Drill Bitt hands him his cellphone] “Here you go. It's on speed dial. Under Mouthpiece.”
[throws the cellphone to the floor] “Screw him. I'll phone the chief of police!”
[Drill Bit calmly hands him a second phone] “Speed dial. Under Dirty. Hey, we're in Vegas. What did you expect? I have the head of the FBI for the area if you want.”
[throws cellphone to floor. Stands still, clenched fists at side, face turning a violent red, his lips twitching] “Grrrrrrrr! I won't do it! I won't sell out the players, the fans, the game. It goes against everything I, as a Canadian, believe in.”
“Canadian, eh? [chuckles]. You're crazy enough to do it, aren't you? [shakes his head slowly] Have your players give 110 per cent and play through injuries that would lay up a regular joe for weeks, all to fulfill a childhood dream. Bah! Okay, play your hearts out then, run into a wall, see if I care.”
[surprised look] “You mean you're not going to try to change my mind, threaten me and the players?
[smiling, with a shrug] “Gerry, it's only hockey. No need to get worked up about it. It's one of my smaller investments. So we lose a bit of skin to the bettors. There are ways to make up for it.”
“Like how?”
“The NHL or the players' union can opt out of the current collective bargaining agreement in September 2019. I'm sure me and my partners in my investment company can finagle some lucrative fees by ensuring both sides won't be thinking of exiting the contract early. Even if they aren't we'll make them think they want to, and then talk them out of it. It could get very costly for both sides. You may not know it by today, Gerry, but we can be very persuasive. Very persuasive. You're lucky I have a soft spot for fairy tales. Cinderella is one of my favourites. Now tell me the team's not going to turn back into a pumpkin before it's all over.”
“You got it, Drill Bit. We'll all be wearing glass skates at the end.”
“Skates. [chuckles] That's a good one, Gerry. Skates." [starts to laugh]
[Mr. Dispato turns and walks away whistling, but not before placing a small object in Gallant's right hand and closing the fingers around it]
[Gallant opens up his hand once the door closes. It's a drill bit. Made of platinum. Gallant smiles, and goes back to working on his game plan]
(May 26, 2018)
“Gerry, there's a guy here to see you.”
“Tell him to set up an appointment. I'm busy putting the finishing touches to the game plan for tonight.”
“Uh, Gerry, he's”
[A stocky short man with broad shoulders in form-fitting suit coat and pants brushes his way past the team official and confidently strolls into Gallant's office]
“Mr. Gallant, pleasure to meet you. Name's Angelo Dispato but you can call me Drill Bit. It's a specialty of mine.”
[yelling] “Who are you? And what the hell are you doing in my office?”
[Drill Bit holds up ham-sized palms in a placating manner] “Please, Mr. Gallant, there's no need to get angry. I understand your thoughts are elsewhere, preparing for tonight's game. To think, an expansion team making it to the Stanley Cup final. We're very proud of you and the players.”
“Who's proud of me? If you don't tell me who you are and why you're here, I swear, I'll toss you out of this room on your keister.”
[Drill Bit lowers his palms slightly, the same with the corners of his lips]
“Gerry, that wouldn't be very wise. Throwing out one of the Knights' silent partners. That would really hurt your career ... and you.”
“Are you threatening me? And what do you mean by silent partner?”
“A guy who put up most of the money for your owner [waggles his fingers] so he could start the franchise, without feeling the need to tell everyone about it. What can I say, I'm a quiet kind of guy. Until now. So forgive me if I think $400 million gives me the right to talk to MY [said emphatically] coach any time I feel like it. And today I feel like we should get acquainted.”
“Okay, okay, what is it you want? I'm not sitting or dressing a player just because you say so. And there's now way I'm changing my lines.”
“Gerry, it's a team sport, I don't concern myself with the individual parts. I look at the big picture. And what I see is this team winning the Stanley Cup all because of you. I don't know what those jerks in Florida or imbéciles in Montreal were thinking when they let you go. Here you are, about to win it all, and they didn't even make the playoffs.”
[stuttering] “Why, thank you, Mr. Dispa...Drill Bit. That was awfully nice of you to say.”
“Came from the heart, Gerry. You're going to be the difference in this series. Which is why I have a favour to ask of you, if you really want to thank me.”
“Certainly. It's the least I can do. When they interview me after the final game and we've won the Cup I'll be sure to mention your name. I think it's time everybody knew what you've done for the team. I'm glad you confided in me. That's a real vote of confidence, Drill Bit.”
“I knew I could count on you, Gerry. But I don't want you thankin' nobody. Because there will be no reason to. Just making the final is thanks enough. Don't ruin it by winning it.”
“Wha-wha-whatttt!!! You want us to throw the series?”
“Gerry, Gerry, Gerry, don't think of it as thowing, think of it as a plucky little team of misfits that showed the critics how stupid they were, only to have reality set in and the established team, the team that's never lived up to its promise, finally come through and win a championship. Ovie and Trotz deserve it, don't you think?”
[shouting] “No, no I don't. We deserve to win the championship too! A bunch of castoffs who defied the odds.”
[grimly] That's right, Gerry. You and your pals defied the odds. A good news story. We were pulling for you. But here's how it's going to end, and it's not by defying the [drags it out] odds-makers, the ones like me who stand to lose a ton of money if the Knights win it all after making you guys long shots before the season started. You wouldn't believe how much my friends will have to shell put if that happens. And we know it's not gonna happen, right, Gerry?
[sputtering] “You can't get away with this! I'm phoning the commissioner!
[Drill Bitt hands him his cellphone] “Here you go. It's on speed dial. Under Mouthpiece.”
[throws the cellphone to the floor] “Screw him. I'll phone the chief of police!”
[Drill Bit calmly hands him a second phone] “Speed dial. Under Dirty. Hey, we're in Vegas. What did you expect? I have the head of the FBI for the area if you want.”
[throws cellphone to floor. Stands still, clenched fists at side, face turning a violent red, his lips twitching] “Grrrrrrrr! I won't do it! I won't sell out the players, the fans, the game. It goes against everything I, as a Canadian, believe in.”
“Canadian, eh? [chuckles]. You're crazy enough to do it, aren't you? [shakes his head slowly] Have your players give 110 per cent and play through injuries that would lay up a regular joe for weeks, all to fulfill a childhood dream. Bah! Okay, play your hearts out then, run into a wall, see if I care.”
[surprised look] “You mean you're not going to try to change my mind, threaten me and the players?
[smiling, with a shrug] “Gerry, it's only hockey. No need to get worked up about it. It's one of my smaller investments. So we lose a bit of skin to the bettors. There are ways to make up for it.”
“Like how?”
“The NHL or the players' union can opt out of the current collective bargaining agreement in September 2019. I'm sure me and my partners in my investment company can finagle some lucrative fees by ensuring both sides won't be thinking of exiting the contract early. Even if they aren't we'll make them think they want to, and then talk them out of it. It could get very costly for both sides. You may not know it by today, Gerry, but we can be very persuasive. Very persuasive. You're lucky I have a soft spot for fairy tales. Cinderella is one of my favourites. Now tell me the team's not going to turn back into a pumpkin before it's all over.”
“You got it, Drill Bit. We'll all be wearing glass skates at the end.”
“Skates. [chuckles] That's a good one, Gerry. Skates." [starts to laugh]
[Mr. Dispato turns and walks away whistling, but not before placing a small object in Gallant's right hand and closing the fingers around it]
[Gallant opens up his hand once the door closes. It's a drill bit. Made of platinum. Gallant smiles, and goes back to working on his game plan]
Remember the lockout: Day 22
(Oct. 6, 2012)
Should this lockout end in our lifetime – I’m a glass-doesn’t-exist kind of guy – it won’t come as a surprise to see hockey fans return in droves to the rinks and TV screens at the first drop of the puck, so strong is our addiction.
Maybe not in quite the same numbers as before and certainly not in the same mood, but return we will, as the owners know and the players take for granted.
Well, it’s time they shared our agony. Even if just a little bit. Maybe even a big bit.
I’m talking about a slash to the collective ankle of our filthy rich tormentors.
Now before running off to get your hockey sticks, let’s get one thing straight: What I’m suggesting has nothing to do with inflicting physical harm.
(But far be it from me to pass judgment on how others behave.)
No, Mission Improbable is more symbolic in that it is meant to send a powerful message to the uppity-ups and the muckety-mucks – but it does offer the potential of exacting punishment that could prove every bit as painful.
Here’s the thing, fans are not going to stay away from the games or not watch them on TV when hockey returns.
To think otherwise is unrealistic. Not going to happen.
Why try to fight the urge?
Well, what I’m suggesting is that we DO fight the urge just a little bit.
The first night the NHL swings back into the action, fans with tickets to the game don’t take their seats until after the first intermission.
Fans at home do the same thing; watch something else for the first hour and spend some quality time with the wife (okay, so there is a bit of sacrifice required on the domestic front but a small price to pay in the long run, fellas.]
Can you imagine what that will do for the league’s image to have games broadcast showing empty seats?
And what that will do to the league’s television ratings when viewer numbers show nobody – NOBODY – watched the game, at least for the first hour.
The advertisers would raise a big stink in a hurry, especially the first period sponsors.
Now some of the younger people might find this a hardship, that it’s too much to ask of a hockey fan to skip a period of action.
First of all, exactly how much action do you really believe you’d be missing.
Second, how many days, weeks, months will you have waited for the season to start anyway. Waiting another hour is going to kill you?
Lastly: Suck it up, generations X, Y and Z, we baby boomers lived through a time when hockey broadcasts didn’t begin UNTIL WELL INTO THE FIRST PERIOD.
(You can close your mouth now.)
Yep, when Hockey Night in Canada came on back in the day, more than half the period had already been played.
Did we complain? No.
For one thing, we didn’t know any better, but more important, it made for an exciting buildup, as we kids lay sprawled on the bearskin rug, munching on toasted milkweed pods, watching shows on black-and-white TV and anxiously waiting for HNIC to start, all the while making our predictions as to who would be leading (and bickering over whether it should be who or whom).
We NEVER, EVER predicted the Leafs were ahead.
It was like waking up Christmas morning every Saturday night whenever Bill Hewitt’s opening words included the news the Leafs were trailing. (One time, he came on and said the Bruins – the lousy, basement-dwelling Bruins! – were winning 6-0, and the first period wasn’t over!)
Sorry, got off track.
Let’s go over Operation Poke In The Eye one more time: Fans wait an hour before taking their seats at the game. Fans at home watch Amazing Race reruns.
One hour of your time. Is that too much to ask?
Think of it as Earth Hour but with the idea of turning a lightbulb on – over the heads of the numbskulls ruining the sport.
One hour.
Sixty minutes you could turn into your finest hour.
One twenty-fourth of a day that could change history.
Together we can make it happen.
Still not convinced?
How about this: Guys at the rink, how long do you think it would take to make up for lost time in the beverage consumption department once you were inside the arena? That’s what I thought. In fact, you wouldn’t have to wait at all to get started, if you just hung out in the concourse and imbibed until the second period.
Guys at home – isn’t it time you scored some brownie points with the missus? Me, too.
And here’s the absolute clincher, perhaps the number one reason why everyone should treat this proposal seriously: we’d all miss Coach’s Corner.
(Did I mention you can record the game anyway so you don’t miss any of the play? I should have.)
(Oct. 6, 2012)
Should this lockout end in our lifetime – I’m a glass-doesn’t-exist kind of guy – it won’t come as a surprise to see hockey fans return in droves to the rinks and TV screens at the first drop of the puck, so strong is our addiction.
Maybe not in quite the same numbers as before and certainly not in the same mood, but return we will, as the owners know and the players take for granted.
Well, it’s time they shared our agony. Even if just a little bit. Maybe even a big bit.
I’m talking about a slash to the collective ankle of our filthy rich tormentors.
Now before running off to get your hockey sticks, let’s get one thing straight: What I’m suggesting has nothing to do with inflicting physical harm.
(But far be it from me to pass judgment on how others behave.)
No, Mission Improbable is more symbolic in that it is meant to send a powerful message to the uppity-ups and the muckety-mucks – but it does offer the potential of exacting punishment that could prove every bit as painful.
Here’s the thing, fans are not going to stay away from the games or not watch them on TV when hockey returns.
To think otherwise is unrealistic. Not going to happen.
Why try to fight the urge?
Well, what I’m suggesting is that we DO fight the urge just a little bit.
The first night the NHL swings back into the action, fans with tickets to the game don’t take their seats until after the first intermission.
Fans at home do the same thing; watch something else for the first hour and spend some quality time with the wife (okay, so there is a bit of sacrifice required on the domestic front but a small price to pay in the long run, fellas.]
Can you imagine what that will do for the league’s image to have games broadcast showing empty seats?
And what that will do to the league’s television ratings when viewer numbers show nobody – NOBODY – watched the game, at least for the first hour.
The advertisers would raise a big stink in a hurry, especially the first period sponsors.
Now some of the younger people might find this a hardship, that it’s too much to ask of a hockey fan to skip a period of action.
First of all, exactly how much action do you really believe you’d be missing.
Second, how many days, weeks, months will you have waited for the season to start anyway. Waiting another hour is going to kill you?
Lastly: Suck it up, generations X, Y and Z, we baby boomers lived through a time when hockey broadcasts didn’t begin UNTIL WELL INTO THE FIRST PERIOD.
(You can close your mouth now.)
Yep, when Hockey Night in Canada came on back in the day, more than half the period had already been played.
Did we complain? No.
For one thing, we didn’t know any better, but more important, it made for an exciting buildup, as we kids lay sprawled on the bearskin rug, munching on toasted milkweed pods, watching shows on black-and-white TV and anxiously waiting for HNIC to start, all the while making our predictions as to who would be leading (and bickering over whether it should be who or whom).
We NEVER, EVER predicted the Leafs were ahead.
It was like waking up Christmas morning every Saturday night whenever Bill Hewitt’s opening words included the news the Leafs were trailing. (One time, he came on and said the Bruins – the lousy, basement-dwelling Bruins! – were winning 6-0, and the first period wasn’t over!)
Sorry, got off track.
Let’s go over Operation Poke In The Eye one more time: Fans wait an hour before taking their seats at the game. Fans at home watch Amazing Race reruns.
One hour of your time. Is that too much to ask?
Think of it as Earth Hour but with the idea of turning a lightbulb on – over the heads of the numbskulls ruining the sport.
One hour.
Sixty minutes you could turn into your finest hour.
One twenty-fourth of a day that could change history.
Together we can make it happen.
Still not convinced?
How about this: Guys at the rink, how long do you think it would take to make up for lost time in the beverage consumption department once you were inside the arena? That’s what I thought. In fact, you wouldn’t have to wait at all to get started, if you just hung out in the concourse and imbibed until the second period.
Guys at home – isn’t it time you scored some brownie points with the missus? Me, too.
And here’s the absolute clincher, perhaps the number one reason why everyone should treat this proposal seriously: we’d all miss Coach’s Corner.
(Did I mention you can record the game anyway so you don’t miss any of the play? I should have.)
Plans are for schmucks
(March 9, 2018)
Here are the (2XL) T-shirts we didn't get to see being worn by the guy seated behind the players bench in the game against the Lightning::
Montreal's record has me down in the dumps. Guess who I met there.
What? GM doesn't stand for Gross Mismanagement?
I had high hopes for Bergevin. Now I just hope to stay high.
Plans are for schmucks
I'm fine with letting the other teams catch up to us in Cups
Asked to design an offence Julien drew a blank
How did a storied franchise end up in the remainder bin?
I'll keep coming to games if the team thinks it will help
MB: To get to the post-season you don't dig a hole first
Je me souviens ... But you're making it harder and harder
(March 9, 2018)
Here are the (2XL) T-shirts we didn't get to see being worn by the guy seated behind the players bench in the game against the Lightning::
Montreal's record has me down in the dumps. Guess who I met there.
What? GM doesn't stand for Gross Mismanagement?
I had high hopes for Bergevin. Now I just hope to stay high.
Plans are for schmucks
I'm fine with letting the other teams catch up to us in Cups
Asked to design an offence Julien drew a blank
How did a storied franchise end up in the remainder bin?
I'll keep coming to games if the team thinks it will help
MB: To get to the post-season you don't dig a hole first
Je me souviens ... But you're making it harder and harder
Losing that sends shivers down your back
(Jan. 22, 2018)
I've hit upon a way to incentivize winning for the Canadiens, cuz whatever's being used now clearly isn't working.
It involves Gatorade. Icy cold Gatorade.
Here's what happens: The coaching staff pours it on Julien after every LOSS.
The shock alone should be enough to spur him to greater heights of coaching his next outing.
And the spectacle would take away the bad taste in the mouths of Hab fans at the Bell Centre. It would keep everyone in their seats until the bitter end, knowing what's about to happen if the team doesn't pull out a win.
Heck, people would stay until the final buzzer even when the home side was losing 8-1. Especially if the home side was losing 8-1.
I'm willing to be flexible about this. Some nights -- okay, a lot of nights -- you could have the coaching staff shower the players after another abject performance.
Or the players AND the coach could pour Gatorade on JJ and Muller. In fact, if I were JJ I'd start wearing a rain coat to work.
I know what you're thinking: How come Bergevin gets a free pass?
He doesn't.
He gets beered by Molson.
How long do you think it will be before Bergevin starts showing up in (stylish) swim trunks?
(Jan. 22, 2018)
I've hit upon a way to incentivize winning for the Canadiens, cuz whatever's being used now clearly isn't working.
It involves Gatorade. Icy cold Gatorade.
Here's what happens: The coaching staff pours it on Julien after every LOSS.
The shock alone should be enough to spur him to greater heights of coaching his next outing.
And the spectacle would take away the bad taste in the mouths of Hab fans at the Bell Centre. It would keep everyone in their seats until the bitter end, knowing what's about to happen if the team doesn't pull out a win.
Heck, people would stay until the final buzzer even when the home side was losing 8-1. Especially if the home side was losing 8-1.
I'm willing to be flexible about this. Some nights -- okay, a lot of nights -- you could have the coaching staff shower the players after another abject performance.
Or the players AND the coach could pour Gatorade on JJ and Muller. In fact, if I were JJ I'd start wearing a rain coat to work.
I know what you're thinking: How come Bergevin gets a free pass?
He doesn't.
He gets beered by Molson.
How long do you think it will be before Bergevin starts showing up in (stylish) swim trunks?
A Highly Informed Opinion Academy
(This just in ... from the vault, Oct. 16, 2011)
HIO is a good forum for fans devoted to hockey and with so many contributors, it’s only natural there will be clashes among those who hold contrary views. Invariably, the point is made that none of us has coached at the professional level and therefore lack the credentials to be taken seriously.
Let me suggest a remedy that will add to the credibility of posters as informed observers and remove forever the taint they are nothing more than dilettantes whose views are as likely to influence a team’s fortunes as spit on ice.
What I propose is that HIO set up a academy, to be held each year at the gathering I Dare Not Speak Its Name or Have My Post Sent to Limbo, in which enrollees will complete a three-hour course of study and earn a certificate of coaching. With diploma in hand, graduates will be able to pontificate on any subject related to hockey, in bars, on street corners and here at Hockey InsideOut, knowing their views carry weight and are not to be challenged.
You can also bet your sweet bippy it will open the door to offers of employment from NHL teams.
So what is the course of study the Highly Informed Opinion Academy will offer? The curriculum is still being developed but Line Combinations 101, for sure. Chemistry (Team) is another, as well as Media Relations – When Everything Turns Sour; NHL Rules (elective); Basic Math (sample question: If three players come off the ice at the same time, how many leave the bench?); The System: What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing. Say It Again; and Tales of Inspiration: Whoopee Cushions and Other Game-Changers in NHL History.
An additional hour of instruction will be offered for anyone wishing to become a general manager. (Assignments include students being given mock rosters and told to make a blockbuster deal in 15 minutes as the trade deadline approaches).
To apply for an instructor’s position, send a resume along with a cover letter explaining why you would like to join the HIO Academy.
(This just in ... from the vault, Oct. 16, 2011)
HIO is a good forum for fans devoted to hockey and with so many contributors, it’s only natural there will be clashes among those who hold contrary views. Invariably, the point is made that none of us has coached at the professional level and therefore lack the credentials to be taken seriously.
Let me suggest a remedy that will add to the credibility of posters as informed observers and remove forever the taint they are nothing more than dilettantes whose views are as likely to influence a team’s fortunes as spit on ice.
What I propose is that HIO set up a academy, to be held each year at the gathering I Dare Not Speak Its Name or Have My Post Sent to Limbo, in which enrollees will complete a three-hour course of study and earn a certificate of coaching. With diploma in hand, graduates will be able to pontificate on any subject related to hockey, in bars, on street corners and here at Hockey InsideOut, knowing their views carry weight and are not to be challenged.
You can also bet your sweet bippy it will open the door to offers of employment from NHL teams.
So what is the course of study the Highly Informed Opinion Academy will offer? The curriculum is still being developed but Line Combinations 101, for sure. Chemistry (Team) is another, as well as Media Relations – When Everything Turns Sour; NHL Rules (elective); Basic Math (sample question: If three players come off the ice at the same time, how many leave the bench?); The System: What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing. Say It Again; and Tales of Inspiration: Whoopee Cushions and Other Game-Changers in NHL History.
An additional hour of instruction will be offered for anyone wishing to become a general manager. (Assignments include students being given mock rosters and told to make a blockbuster deal in 15 minutes as the trade deadline approaches).
To apply for an instructor’s position, send a resume along with a cover letter explaining why you would like to join the HIO Academy.
Giving players head space
(Dec. 30, 2017)
Goalies are allowed to adorn their masks with all sorts of designs and characters. Why shouldn't skaters be allowed a strip of real estate around the bottom of their helmets for self-expression, to make them stand out as individuals, in a way that for many isn't possible by their play?
Pacioretty, for example, could fill his area with four leaf clovers, good luck charms and rabbit's feet to help him break out of his slump.
Gallagher's strip would have the Tasmanian Devil circling his head in furious motion.
Drouin's would have Lafleur-de-lis.
Byron: Road Runner
Weber: Rocky Mountains
Plekanec: More turtleneck.
Chucky's strip would have strippers.
(Dec. 30, 2017)
Goalies are allowed to adorn their masks with all sorts of designs and characters. Why shouldn't skaters be allowed a strip of real estate around the bottom of their helmets for self-expression, to make them stand out as individuals, in a way that for many isn't possible by their play?
Pacioretty, for example, could fill his area with four leaf clovers, good luck charms and rabbit's feet to help him break out of his slump.
Gallagher's strip would have the Tasmanian Devil circling his head in furious motion.
Drouin's would have Lafleur-de-lis.
Byron: Road Runner
Weber: Rocky Mountains
Plekanec: More turtleneck.
Chucky's strip would have strippers.
Have I got a centre for you, MB!
(Aug. 19, 2017)
Here’s a centre for you, MB. Played university hockey in the States, but was never drafted. Could be his personality turned off the scouts but check him out, he’s worth a look.
Bill Inclement – The rugged forward has had a stormy relationship with his coaches wherever he plays and often runs afoul of league officials. But despite his tempestuous history, he has produced at all levels and is known for rough, sometimes violent play that keeps foes on their toes before they’re put on their backs. His intemperate remarks often result in 10-minute misconducts and harsh words from opponents. But given his skill set and traits, if the Canadiens were to sign him he’d definitely turn out to be a Bellwether.
(Aug. 19, 2017)
Here’s a centre for you, MB. Played university hockey in the States, but was never drafted. Could be his personality turned off the scouts but check him out, he’s worth a look.
Bill Inclement – The rugged forward has had a stormy relationship with his coaches wherever he plays and often runs afoul of league officials. But despite his tempestuous history, he has produced at all levels and is known for rough, sometimes violent play that keeps foes on their toes before they’re put on their backs. His intemperate remarks often result in 10-minute misconducts and harsh words from opponents. But given his skill set and traits, if the Canadiens were to sign him he’d definitely turn out to be a Bellwether.
Referees as civilizing agents
(Jan. 9, 2015)
You know how linesmen will alert players something is about to happen they should know about and yell ‘Icing, icing!’ or ‘Offside, offside!’, so they can adjust their play accordingly?
I think referees should provide the same sort of direction.
For instance, when they see someone striding toward a player from behind intent on ‘finishing his check’ with malice aforethought, they should shout: ‘Boarding, boarding!’ Or ‘Charging, charging!’
This would alert the victim to take a pre-emptive measure such as butt ending the would-be assailant or low bridging him.
But it would also be of service to the swift-moving rogue in alerting him he is at risk of not only putting his team at a disadvantage by committing an infraction but, more importantly, about to get butt ended or sent flying into the boards.
The wiser course of action then, ever so thoughtfully hinted at by the official, would be for the player to glide rather delicately into his target without causing bodily harm while making it difficult for his opponent to complete whatever it was he intending to do.
We must encourage the civilizing influence wherever we can, in all walks of life, wouldn’t you agree?
Another example: Say it’s readily apparent a player is about to commit an outrageous stick foul – one sign being the stick is held above the player’s head in the same way an battle-axe is wielded, or is being thrust forward as if it were a pitch fork – an observant referee could immediately determine what’s about to transpire and scream: ‘Lucic, Lucic!’
No defensive response would be required by the intended victim as Lucic would stop in his tracks, turn around and quizzically inquire: ‘Unh? Wha? Who said dat?’
(In the unlikely event it wasn’t Lucic about to commit a foul deed, the alerts would revert to the normal ‘Spearing, spearing!’ or ‘Major foul, major foul!’, to catch the attention of the two parties.)
I see this kind of participation by officials in the game as comparable to their picking up busted sticks or re-setting a net on its moorings so that the flow of the play continues unabated.
It’s being proactive to prevent an otherwise unpleasant circumstance from occurring.
If this sort of approach were to become common referees would no longer be derided as the zebras of the hockey world but seen as gamekeepers committed to preserving the sport’s essentially attractive nature.
It’s an image makeover they could certainly use.
(Jan. 9, 2015)
You know how linesmen will alert players something is about to happen they should know about and yell ‘Icing, icing!’ or ‘Offside, offside!’, so they can adjust their play accordingly?
I think referees should provide the same sort of direction.
For instance, when they see someone striding toward a player from behind intent on ‘finishing his check’ with malice aforethought, they should shout: ‘Boarding, boarding!’ Or ‘Charging, charging!’
This would alert the victim to take a pre-emptive measure such as butt ending the would-be assailant or low bridging him.
But it would also be of service to the swift-moving rogue in alerting him he is at risk of not only putting his team at a disadvantage by committing an infraction but, more importantly, about to get butt ended or sent flying into the boards.
The wiser course of action then, ever so thoughtfully hinted at by the official, would be for the player to glide rather delicately into his target without causing bodily harm while making it difficult for his opponent to complete whatever it was he intending to do.
We must encourage the civilizing influence wherever we can, in all walks of life, wouldn’t you agree?
Another example: Say it’s readily apparent a player is about to commit an outrageous stick foul – one sign being the stick is held above the player’s head in the same way an battle-axe is wielded, or is being thrust forward as if it were a pitch fork – an observant referee could immediately determine what’s about to transpire and scream: ‘Lucic, Lucic!’
No defensive response would be required by the intended victim as Lucic would stop in his tracks, turn around and quizzically inquire: ‘Unh? Wha? Who said dat?’
(In the unlikely event it wasn’t Lucic about to commit a foul deed, the alerts would revert to the normal ‘Spearing, spearing!’ or ‘Major foul, major foul!’, to catch the attention of the two parties.)
I see this kind of participation by officials in the game as comparable to their picking up busted sticks or re-setting a net on its moorings so that the flow of the play continues unabated.
It’s being proactive to prevent an otherwise unpleasant circumstance from occurring.
If this sort of approach were to become common referees would no longer be derided as the zebras of the hockey world but seen as gamekeepers committed to preserving the sport’s essentially attractive nature.
It’s an image makeover they could certainly use.
From the vault
Second thoughts about second periods
(April 11, 2013)
Throughout this season the Canadiens, inexplicably, have faltered in the middle periods – what the cruder among us would call ‘sloppy seconds’ – and it’s a failing that needs to be addressed before the playoffs commence. The team’s post-season will be short-lived if corrective measures are not taken post-haste. Otherwise in a few short weeks we’ll all be writing post-mortems. And nasty ones at that.
What to do, what to do …
Well, let’s start with how well the team starts. Clearly coach Therrien has the players well-prepared for the opening 20 minutes, when they play lights out – or what the older ones among us would say, ‘like gangbusters’.
Why isn’t that level of performance replicated in the second period? Perhaps it requires a rewind of what took place prior to the game’s opening whistle. A reset, as it were.
As the boys leave the ice at the end of the first, have them head straight to a bus in the parking lot, change into civvies, walk back into the building and return to the dressing room, or at this point, the redressing room, to go through the same routine that obviously put them in the right frame of mind to start the game.
Given that intermissions are 17 minutes long – or an ‘eternity’ as the more jaded among us describe them when part of a Hockey Night in Canada broadcast – the players will need to proceed at a brisk pace. But that liveliness will undoubtedly carry on when they take to the ice for what will surely be an energetic second period.
(If the boys are running a little late, coach Therrien could use a 30-second timeout before the puck is dropped.)
Alternatively, MT could take the opposite approach and lead the team in a yoga trance dance, which Shivea Rea tells us, “cultivates natural movement, intuition, and creativity” and enables you “to enhance your range of motion, break through physical and energetic blockages, boost cardiovascular strength, and create a more positive relationship with your body.”
Did I mention “liberate one’s creative life-force”? No? Well, Shivea will tell you that, and she knows her stuff – or what the more cynical among us might say, ‘knows squat’.
Anyway, I like the idea of players leaving the dressing room enhanced, unblocked, boosted and on better terms with their bodies. Can you imagine the havoc that would ensue if the brain and feet weren’t on speaking terms – think Pouliot – or if the left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing, as sometimes happens during shootouts, eh, Kadri?
A third option would be to play Eller’s line more, but let’s try the other ideas first — what some of us here might call ‘baby steps’.
Second thoughts about second periods
(April 11, 2013)
Throughout this season the Canadiens, inexplicably, have faltered in the middle periods – what the cruder among us would call ‘sloppy seconds’ – and it’s a failing that needs to be addressed before the playoffs commence. The team’s post-season will be short-lived if corrective measures are not taken post-haste. Otherwise in a few short weeks we’ll all be writing post-mortems. And nasty ones at that.
What to do, what to do …
Well, let’s start with how well the team starts. Clearly coach Therrien has the players well-prepared for the opening 20 minutes, when they play lights out – or what the older ones among us would say, ‘like gangbusters’.
Why isn’t that level of performance replicated in the second period? Perhaps it requires a rewind of what took place prior to the game’s opening whistle. A reset, as it were.
As the boys leave the ice at the end of the first, have them head straight to a bus in the parking lot, change into civvies, walk back into the building and return to the dressing room, or at this point, the redressing room, to go through the same routine that obviously put them in the right frame of mind to start the game.
Given that intermissions are 17 minutes long – or an ‘eternity’ as the more jaded among us describe them when part of a Hockey Night in Canada broadcast – the players will need to proceed at a brisk pace. But that liveliness will undoubtedly carry on when they take to the ice for what will surely be an energetic second period.
(If the boys are running a little late, coach Therrien could use a 30-second timeout before the puck is dropped.)
Alternatively, MT could take the opposite approach and lead the team in a yoga trance dance, which Shivea Rea tells us, “cultivates natural movement, intuition, and creativity” and enables you “to enhance your range of motion, break through physical and energetic blockages, boost cardiovascular strength, and create a more positive relationship with your body.”
Did I mention “liberate one’s creative life-force”? No? Well, Shivea will tell you that, and she knows her stuff – or what the more cynical among us might say, ‘knows squat’.
Anyway, I like the idea of players leaving the dressing room enhanced, unblocked, boosted and on better terms with their bodies. Can you imagine the havoc that would ensue if the brain and feet weren’t on speaking terms – think Pouliot – or if the left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing, as sometimes happens during shootouts, eh, Kadri?
A third option would be to play Eller’s line more, but let’s try the other ideas first — what some of us here might call ‘baby steps’.
<b>
From the vault
What does PJ stand for?
(April 10, 2013)
We all know what PK stands for: Pernell Karl, truth, justice and the Canadian way.
But we know nothing, and care less, about what the initials PJ in PJ Stock’s name are short for.
Well, in advance of tomorrow night’s CBC broadcast of the Canadiens-Sabres game, I’ve narrowed down the possibilities:
a.) Petty Jerk
b.) Pretty Juvenile
c.) Punditis Jokus
d.) Penis Jr.
e.) Poo-Poo Jigglio
What does PJ stand for?
(April 10, 2013)
We all know what PK stands for: Pernell Karl, truth, justice and the Canadian way.
But we know nothing, and care less, about what the initials PJ in PJ Stock’s name are short for.
Well, in advance of tomorrow night’s CBC broadcast of the Canadiens-Sabres game, I’ve narrowed down the possibilities:
a.) Petty Jerk
b.) Pretty Juvenile
c.) Punditis Jokus
d.) Penis Jr.
e.) Poo-Poo Jigglio
From the vault
No extensions without extensions
(April 12, 2013)
Yesterday a great many keys were stroked – and not all of them lovingly – in regards to Desharnais’ play this season and the contract he signed that will keep him in the fold for another four years for $14 million.
I’m with those who said Bergevin made a bad deal. The way I see it, the GM shouldn’t have agreed to a contract extension without asking Desharnais for a player extension in return. People lose height as they get older and by the time the contract runs its course, Desharnais could be down to five-five, five-six at most.
Talk about shrinking assets and diminishing returns.
MB, to save face, should ask DD to not hunch over when he’s skating but to skate straight up. Maybe add a few inches to his helmet.
… Speaking of which, here’s an idea that just popped into my head 50 letters, a comma and three periods ago: Why doesn’t the NHL try to make amends with a former sponsor and install mini-versions of those Budweiser red lights on players’ helmets? Every time a player scores, his helmet light starts flashing.
Or flashes yellow if he turns down an invitation to fight, or doesn’t go into the corner.
Something to think about …
No extensions without extensions
(April 12, 2013)
Yesterday a great many keys were stroked – and not all of them lovingly – in regards to Desharnais’ play this season and the contract he signed that will keep him in the fold for another four years for $14 million.
I’m with those who said Bergevin made a bad deal. The way I see it, the GM shouldn’t have agreed to a contract extension without asking Desharnais for a player extension in return. People lose height as they get older and by the time the contract runs its course, Desharnais could be down to five-five, five-six at most.
Talk about shrinking assets and diminishing returns.
MB, to save face, should ask DD to not hunch over when he’s skating but to skate straight up. Maybe add a few inches to his helmet.
… Speaking of which, here’s an idea that just popped into my head 50 letters, a comma and three periods ago: Why doesn’t the NHL try to make amends with a former sponsor and install mini-versions of those Budweiser red lights on players’ helmets? Every time a player scores, his helmet light starts flashing.
Or flashes yellow if he turns down an invitation to fight, or doesn’t go into the corner.
Something to think about …
A training centre for ... you guessed it
(July 2, 2017)
Pursuant to a proposition I presented previously, namely, that the Montreal Canadiens should convene a think tank on how to improve themselves without tanking, I am also of the opinion they should establish a training centre for centres.
There is no success in business without a middleman but it’s a problematic position for the Canadiens.
It’s been a while since someone legitimately filled the number one spot on the top line for an extended period.
Coaches perforce have had to audition a succession of players in the lead role who were better suited to remain understudies.
It’s a situation that cannot continue. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that a centre plucked in the draft will be groomed to become a star performer one day the way the system is currently structured.
The same argument applies to lower tier centres signed as free agents.
The farm system, it’s obvious, is more accustomed to treating its charges as plow horses than developing them into thoroughbreds.
So a training centre devoted to that very purpose makes imminent sense (that is, it will in a minute should you continue reading; I will make no bold claims about eminent sense, knowing as I do my limits).
A TC would, of course, teach the basics of playing the most critical and challenging of positions among forwards: how to line up your wingers before a draw, how to win faceoffs, how to land a pass on the blade of a teammate’s stick, how to forecheck and backcheck with equal ferocity, how to cover your man in the defensive zone, how to set up in the slot or behind the net, how to release a shot quickly and accurately, how to screen a goalie, how to deflect shots, and, lastly, how to lead by example in setting the troika’s energy level as well as its commitment to a purpose.
Week Six – did I mention it’s an eight-week program that takes place in the summer? – would focus on “intangibles,” those character traits and inter-personal skills that when allied to a natural affability overlaying a steely resolve are critical to a threesome realizing their full potential as a unit.
Weeks Seven and Eight would go over the lessons learned and conclude with two days of testing to evaluate the players’ progress and current level of accomplishment.
The results will put the lie to you can teach players defence but not offence.
Retired players who excelled as centres will be recruited to serve as instructors at a handsome salary, with each one assigned how-to duty time based on their particular strength.
Attendance, of course, would be voluntary by players in the organization identified as centres and non-participation would in no way influence a coach’s decision-making when it came time to make roster cuts before the start of the season.
In light of today’s announcement concerning Price’s contract and the impact it will have on the team’s salary cap, it’s paramount the Canadiens explore all options for making its offence a more potent force.
Another possibility is to have Price learn how to deflect shots onto the stick of a streaking Hab forward breaking out of the zone.
Heck, for the $84 million they’re paying him, he should be sending them off on a breakaway each and every time.
(July 2, 2017)
Pursuant to a proposition I presented previously, namely, that the Montreal Canadiens should convene a think tank on how to improve themselves without tanking, I am also of the opinion they should establish a training centre for centres.
There is no success in business without a middleman but it’s a problematic position for the Canadiens.
It’s been a while since someone legitimately filled the number one spot on the top line for an extended period.
Coaches perforce have had to audition a succession of players in the lead role who were better suited to remain understudies.
It’s a situation that cannot continue. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that a centre plucked in the draft will be groomed to become a star performer one day the way the system is currently structured.
The same argument applies to lower tier centres signed as free agents.
The farm system, it’s obvious, is more accustomed to treating its charges as plow horses than developing them into thoroughbreds.
So a training centre devoted to that very purpose makes imminent sense (that is, it will in a minute should you continue reading; I will make no bold claims about eminent sense, knowing as I do my limits).
A TC would, of course, teach the basics of playing the most critical and challenging of positions among forwards: how to line up your wingers before a draw, how to win faceoffs, how to land a pass on the blade of a teammate’s stick, how to forecheck and backcheck with equal ferocity, how to cover your man in the defensive zone, how to set up in the slot or behind the net, how to release a shot quickly and accurately, how to screen a goalie, how to deflect shots, and, lastly, how to lead by example in setting the troika’s energy level as well as its commitment to a purpose.
Week Six – did I mention it’s an eight-week program that takes place in the summer? – would focus on “intangibles,” those character traits and inter-personal skills that when allied to a natural affability overlaying a steely resolve are critical to a threesome realizing their full potential as a unit.
Weeks Seven and Eight would go over the lessons learned and conclude with two days of testing to evaluate the players’ progress and current level of accomplishment.
The results will put the lie to you can teach players defence but not offence.
Retired players who excelled as centres will be recruited to serve as instructors at a handsome salary, with each one assigned how-to duty time based on their particular strength.
Attendance, of course, would be voluntary by players in the organization identified as centres and non-participation would in no way influence a coach’s decision-making when it came time to make roster cuts before the start of the season.
In light of today’s announcement concerning Price’s contract and the impact it will have on the team’s salary cap, it’s paramount the Canadiens explore all options for making its offence a more potent force.
Another possibility is to have Price learn how to deflect shots onto the stick of a streaking Hab forward breaking out of the zone.
Heck, for the $84 million they’re paying him, he should be sending them off on a breakaway each and every time.
It's all becoming clear now
(July 2, 2017)
The signing of free agent rearguard Karl Alzner can mean only one thing: the focus will be on offence this season.
And that’s a good thing.
With the PAW (Price Alzner Weber) Patrol on duty, centres and wingers won’t have to worry themselves silly about backchecking or being defensively responsible, knowing those three have their backs (which is what the dawgs will be seeing most of the time as their pals go chasing after goals).
Finally, MB, you get it! Well done, sir!
(July 2, 2017)
The signing of free agent rearguard Karl Alzner can mean only one thing: the focus will be on offence this season.
And that’s a good thing.
With the PAW (Price Alzner Weber) Patrol on duty, centres and wingers won’t have to worry themselves silly about backchecking or being defensively responsible, knowing those three have their backs (which is what the dawgs will be seeing most of the time as their pals go chasing after goals).
Finally, MB, you get it! Well done, sir!
At what price Markov?
(June 27, 2016)
For Markov to get $6 M a year for two years he’d have to coach too — it would be an early start on his post-playing career with the Canadiens (JJ can go help SL in Laval).
Alternatively, MB could offer him $4.5 M and sweeten the pot by telling Markov he wouldn’t have to do interviews, he’d get to audition his own playing partner, and he’d have last say on the music played in the dressing room.
Journos, as we all know by now, are enemies of the people and not to be fraternized with. Markov and his fellow oldster Weber would be wise to spend their time making liberal use of anti-aging creams and dewrinkling exercises.
They might also want to experiment with the next generation of skates guaranteed to put a spring in their step.
As to questions about Markov's ability to communicate should he become an assistant, one should never under-estimate the educative value of a scowl, or the inspirational merit in a grunt.
It’s also a well-known fact that a Slavic sneer can modify human behaviour.
(June 27, 2016)
For Markov to get $6 M a year for two years he’d have to coach too — it would be an early start on his post-playing career with the Canadiens (JJ can go help SL in Laval).
Alternatively, MB could offer him $4.5 M and sweeten the pot by telling Markov he wouldn’t have to do interviews, he’d get to audition his own playing partner, and he’d have last say on the music played in the dressing room.
Journos, as we all know by now, are enemies of the people and not to be fraternized with. Markov and his fellow oldster Weber would be wise to spend their time making liberal use of anti-aging creams and dewrinkling exercises.
They might also want to experiment with the next generation of skates guaranteed to put a spring in their step.
As to questions about Markov's ability to communicate should he become an assistant, one should never under-estimate the educative value of a scowl, or the inspirational merit in a grunt.
It’s also a well-known fact that a Slavic sneer can modify human behaviour.
Marc, here's the plan
(June 27, 2016)
Bergevin should go all in this season. In-house.
No trades. No free agent signings.
Stick with what he has, and find out once and for all how good this team really is at drafting/developing/deploying its players.
By season’s end he should know what to do, having seen what’s been wrought.
Sink or swim.
Sink to the bottom of the standings and improve the team’s odds of drafting high.
Or swim, and let the players show they can do more than tread water. Or not.
It would be unprecedented, right, a team going an entire season without grafting on bits from the outside?
And why not, it’s really a distraction.
Not having to expend energy on engineering trades would free up time for Bergevin to focus on the big picture, that new five-year plan that plots a path to the Stanley Cup.
It would get him out of the foxhole into the tower where, surveying all, he can map out a route to the Promised Land.
Or, from a different perspective, draft a bleu-blanc-et-rougeprint to rebuild the dynasty.
(June 27, 2016)
Bergevin should go all in this season. In-house.
No trades. No free agent signings.
Stick with what he has, and find out once and for all how good this team really is at drafting/developing/deploying its players.
By season’s end he should know what to do, having seen what’s been wrought.
Sink or swim.
Sink to the bottom of the standings and improve the team’s odds of drafting high.
Or swim, and let the players show they can do more than tread water. Or not.
It would be unprecedented, right, a team going an entire season without grafting on bits from the outside?
And why not, it’s really a distraction.
Not having to expend energy on engineering trades would free up time for Bergevin to focus on the big picture, that new five-year plan that plots a path to the Stanley Cup.
It would get him out of the foxhole into the tower where, surveying all, he can map out a route to the Promised Land.
Or, from a different perspective, draft a bleu-blanc-et-rougeprint to rebuild the dynasty.
A pud by another name is a cog
(June 5, 2017)
You know who get a bad rap? The guys who toil on the fourth line.
Sad sacks to many, or as the truly harsh of heart prefer to call them, puds, which few among us would want to be labelled, knowing several definitions of the epithet include penis, vulva (pud being short for pudendum), wimp, and, in Latin, “a thing to be ashamed of.”
Agreed, any of these meanings could be applied to MOST fourth liners without much of a debate among fans (or even the puds’ own family members, if they’re being honest).
It’s that smaller group of players who are being tarred with the same brush, despite doing yeoman service as a bottom-tier forward, who deserve some respect.
They’re not pugs, they’re cogs, small but important pieces in the efficient operation of a machine, the “subordinate member(s) of an organization who (perform) necessary but usually minor or routine functions.”
Now to an untrained eye, it’s not always easy to distinguish between a pud and cog. It takes years of observation to note the subtle but important differences.
To flatten the learning curve for both the untutored and stubbornly obtuse, here are some of the traits that separate the two:
cog – pops in a goal every now and then
pud – takes a shot every other week
cog – hammers other team
pud – screws his own team
cog – is good in the corners
pud – is good in the room
cog – defensively responsible
pud – indefensibly irresponsible
There are other distinguishing features that define pudacity (audaciously impudent) and cogency (persuasively relevant) but that’s a subject for another post (not to be written in haste).
(June 5, 2017)
You know who get a bad rap? The guys who toil on the fourth line.
Sad sacks to many, or as the truly harsh of heart prefer to call them, puds, which few among us would want to be labelled, knowing several definitions of the epithet include penis, vulva (pud being short for pudendum), wimp, and, in Latin, “a thing to be ashamed of.”
Agreed, any of these meanings could be applied to MOST fourth liners without much of a debate among fans (or even the puds’ own family members, if they’re being honest).
It’s that smaller group of players who are being tarred with the same brush, despite doing yeoman service as a bottom-tier forward, who deserve some respect.
They’re not pugs, they’re cogs, small but important pieces in the efficient operation of a machine, the “subordinate member(s) of an organization who (perform) necessary but usually minor or routine functions.”
Now to an untrained eye, it’s not always easy to distinguish between a pud and cog. It takes years of observation to note the subtle but important differences.
To flatten the learning curve for both the untutored and stubbornly obtuse, here are some of the traits that separate the two:
cog – pops in a goal every now and then
pud – takes a shot every other week
cog – hammers other team
pud – screws his own team
cog – is good in the corners
pud – is good in the room
cog – defensively responsible
pud – indefensibly irresponsible
There are other distinguishing features that define pudacity (audaciously impudent) and cogency (persuasively relevant) but that’s a subject for another post (not to be written in haste).
Look no further than these picks
(May 11, 2017)
With all the talk that’s going on about possible draft picks, here are five who somehow have slipped under the radar:
Dwayne Pettibone, D, Flin Flon Flocons – At six-foot-five, 290 lbs, 127 PIM, he’s big enough, heavy enough, mean enough to play in the NHL. The only question is, is he good enough? The scouts all agree, his skating could hold him back. A YouTube clip of him in action had viewers thinking it was being shown in slow-motion. Scouts say his using double-runners also presents a problem.
Antoine Darivierre, LW/G, Arnprior A Priori’s – On the face of it, without any evidence to support it, Darivierre’s versatility – forward/netminder – would seem to make him a prized commodity. But there are issues with his focus, especially those times when he does the butterfly at the other team’s blueline attempting to block a pass, or vacates the net to slam a forward into the boards in the far corner. He’s also penalized often for embellishing a save.
Henrik Schwinn, C, Prince Rupert Spitoons – Although somewhat spindly – his shin guards wrap around his legs, twice – Schwinn is not afraid to go to the rough areas to make a play, whether it’s in the crease, in the corner, or in front of a biker whose stripper-girlfriend said she thought he was cute. Although injured often, and near death after one memorable incident, Schwinn is no quitter, once having left the intensive care unit to play in the seventh game of the league final – where he proceeded to break his leg stepping onto the ice for the warm-up.
What makes him attractive in the draft is that, despite numerous broken bones, separated shoulders, collapsed lungs, kidney failures and deviated septums, he has never had a concussion. Not one. He’s expected to be taken early in the second round.
Isaac Heinlein, RW, Truro Luro Loos – The feisty forward is quick to anger and has been known to place referees in a headlock when in disagreement with a call. With his lengthy record of suspensions, Heinlein’s career in junior hockey offers a small sample size of what he can bring to a team. But notoriety could be the very thing an expansion team is looking for to establish a fan base as soon as possible. Heinlein undoubtedly will become a fan favourite, and a favoured son of the Department of Player Safety.
Lamont Cranston II, LW, Port McNeil Apple Crisp – There’s no disputing Cranston is the best defensive forward of his generation. His reputation for shadowing the other team’s top offensive threats, rendering them useless, is well-earned. He’s also known to disappear during the playoffs – but in a good way, leaving his opponents baffled and unnerved. So remarkable are the stories of his excellent play that many teams haven’t bothered to send scouts to his games, saying they’re prepared to draft him sight unseen.
(May 11, 2017)
With all the talk that’s going on about possible draft picks, here are five who somehow have slipped under the radar:
Dwayne Pettibone, D, Flin Flon Flocons – At six-foot-five, 290 lbs, 127 PIM, he’s big enough, heavy enough, mean enough to play in the NHL. The only question is, is he good enough? The scouts all agree, his skating could hold him back. A YouTube clip of him in action had viewers thinking it was being shown in slow-motion. Scouts say his using double-runners also presents a problem.
Antoine Darivierre, LW/G, Arnprior A Priori’s – On the face of it, without any evidence to support it, Darivierre’s versatility – forward/netminder – would seem to make him a prized commodity. But there are issues with his focus, especially those times when he does the butterfly at the other team’s blueline attempting to block a pass, or vacates the net to slam a forward into the boards in the far corner. He’s also penalized often for embellishing a save.
Henrik Schwinn, C, Prince Rupert Spitoons – Although somewhat spindly – his shin guards wrap around his legs, twice – Schwinn is not afraid to go to the rough areas to make a play, whether it’s in the crease, in the corner, or in front of a biker whose stripper-girlfriend said she thought he was cute. Although injured often, and near death after one memorable incident, Schwinn is no quitter, once having left the intensive care unit to play in the seventh game of the league final – where he proceeded to break his leg stepping onto the ice for the warm-up.
What makes him attractive in the draft is that, despite numerous broken bones, separated shoulders, collapsed lungs, kidney failures and deviated septums, he has never had a concussion. Not one. He’s expected to be taken early in the second round.
Isaac Heinlein, RW, Truro Luro Loos – The feisty forward is quick to anger and has been known to place referees in a headlock when in disagreement with a call. With his lengthy record of suspensions, Heinlein’s career in junior hockey offers a small sample size of what he can bring to a team. But notoriety could be the very thing an expansion team is looking for to establish a fan base as soon as possible. Heinlein undoubtedly will become a fan favourite, and a favoured son of the Department of Player Safety.
Lamont Cranston II, LW, Port McNeil Apple Crisp – There’s no disputing Cranston is the best defensive forward of his generation. His reputation for shadowing the other team’s top offensive threats, rendering them useless, is well-earned. He’s also known to disappear during the playoffs – but in a good way, leaving his opponents baffled and unnerved. So remarkable are the stories of his excellent play that many teams haven’t bothered to send scouts to his games, saying they’re prepared to draft him sight unseen.
Again with the solutions
(April 28, 2017)
I’m impressed with the time and effort being spent by hordes of fans in identifying the many problems that beset the Canadiens and the considerable thought they have put into solving them.
While their solutions have merit and deserve the ample discussion they have received, there is one that has been given scant, if any, attention for the obvious reason it involves the ‘tank’ word.
Why this aversion persists is a bit puzzling.
If ever a team needed a think tank it’s the Canadiens and they should set one up as quickly as possible, to give themselves time to implement and refine the innovative measures sure to come out of a gathering of nimble minds not bound by tradition as defined by The Code.
The first issue it would tackle, of course, would be the one most urgently in need of fixing: the team’s feeble offence.
The embarrassing lack of productivity was not only responsible for a quick exit from the post-season but was the principal cause for protracted boring stretches of hockey this season (and now an interminable essay for your reading pleasure).
However, rather than spend fruitless hours crafting trade scenarios and settling on draft selections that would amount to a rolling of the die, the assembled experts would be tasked with devising offensive schemes that deviate from convention, systems that make wise use of the talent at hand without having to rely on individuals blessed with a fearsome shot.
Those are rare athletes difficult to acquire or groom if drafted.
Far better would it be to plug players into a system that adroitly makes use of their skills to maximum advantage and delivers results.
No doubt for many of you the first thought that comes to mind – actually, the second, after ‘This guy’s an idiot!’ – is the image of Sean Avery waving his arms in front of Martin Brodeur – a tactic certainly outside the box, and, surprisingly, one that didn’t lead to his being sent to the box for unsportsmanlike conduct.
It was left to the NHL to subsequently announce that anyone mimicking Avery’s behaviour would receive a two-minute penalty.
Give the man credit, though, for going beyond the norm to inject novelty in the generation of offence in a league that stifles creativity.
I herewith humbly submit for consideration by the think tank a couple of notions I have presented over the years for the purpose of boosting Montreal’s offence.
One is that the team commit to designating a forward on each line a cherry-picker, a player who positions himself on the offensive side of centre ice while his mates fend off sallies by the opposition at the other end of the ice.
Naturally choosing to play shorthanded will offend purists of the game and invite ridicule for unnecessarily increasing the odds of being scored upon but I think it’s a risk well worth taking, given the success teams typically have killing off penalties.
Little risk, really, for high reward.
And that rate of success would certainly be improved by the unnerving effect the deployment of cherry pickers would have on defenders, all too aware there’s a player behind them ready to receive a breakaway pass or collect a puck that’s cleared the zone.
The same situation can be created on the fly during line changes, when one player hesitates in leaving the bench, waiting for the moment when all attention is on play in his own team’s end.
His delay in taking the ice is to create an opportunity to be sent in the clear when his teammates gain control of the puck.
Again, the team risks giving up a goal by electing not to use all its resources to defend. Those resources, instead, are tilted in favour of the offence, never a bad thing.
I would also suggest that rather than dumping the puck into the corner players should experiment slapping it off the side walls before they cross the blue line, so that the disk’s path off the boards is through the slot area.
Any oblique angle, really, would do, if only to turn the predictable shoot-in on its head, and introduce an element of uncertainty in the minds of backpedalling rearguards.
There have been other suggestions I have made over the years – remember HotHands®, the hand warmers that gave wearers the goal scorer’s touch? — but I’ll leave those for the think tank.
Right now I have to dig up those play diagrams I devised, the ones with X’s and O’s – and Z’s!
(April 28, 2017)
I’m impressed with the time and effort being spent by hordes of fans in identifying the many problems that beset the Canadiens and the considerable thought they have put into solving them.
While their solutions have merit and deserve the ample discussion they have received, there is one that has been given scant, if any, attention for the obvious reason it involves the ‘tank’ word.
Why this aversion persists is a bit puzzling.
If ever a team needed a think tank it’s the Canadiens and they should set one up as quickly as possible, to give themselves time to implement and refine the innovative measures sure to come out of a gathering of nimble minds not bound by tradition as defined by The Code.
The first issue it would tackle, of course, would be the one most urgently in need of fixing: the team’s feeble offence.
The embarrassing lack of productivity was not only responsible for a quick exit from the post-season but was the principal cause for protracted boring stretches of hockey this season (and now an interminable essay for your reading pleasure).
However, rather than spend fruitless hours crafting trade scenarios and settling on draft selections that would amount to a rolling of the die, the assembled experts would be tasked with devising offensive schemes that deviate from convention, systems that make wise use of the talent at hand without having to rely on individuals blessed with a fearsome shot.
Those are rare athletes difficult to acquire or groom if drafted.
Far better would it be to plug players into a system that adroitly makes use of their skills to maximum advantage and delivers results.
No doubt for many of you the first thought that comes to mind – actually, the second, after ‘This guy’s an idiot!’ – is the image of Sean Avery waving his arms in front of Martin Brodeur – a tactic certainly outside the box, and, surprisingly, one that didn’t lead to his being sent to the box for unsportsmanlike conduct.
It was left to the NHL to subsequently announce that anyone mimicking Avery’s behaviour would receive a two-minute penalty.
Give the man credit, though, for going beyond the norm to inject novelty in the generation of offence in a league that stifles creativity.
I herewith humbly submit for consideration by the think tank a couple of notions I have presented over the years for the purpose of boosting Montreal’s offence.
One is that the team commit to designating a forward on each line a cherry-picker, a player who positions himself on the offensive side of centre ice while his mates fend off sallies by the opposition at the other end of the ice.
Naturally choosing to play shorthanded will offend purists of the game and invite ridicule for unnecessarily increasing the odds of being scored upon but I think it’s a risk well worth taking, given the success teams typically have killing off penalties.
Little risk, really, for high reward.
And that rate of success would certainly be improved by the unnerving effect the deployment of cherry pickers would have on defenders, all too aware there’s a player behind them ready to receive a breakaway pass or collect a puck that’s cleared the zone.
The same situation can be created on the fly during line changes, when one player hesitates in leaving the bench, waiting for the moment when all attention is on play in his own team’s end.
His delay in taking the ice is to create an opportunity to be sent in the clear when his teammates gain control of the puck.
Again, the team risks giving up a goal by electing not to use all its resources to defend. Those resources, instead, are tilted in favour of the offence, never a bad thing.
I would also suggest that rather than dumping the puck into the corner players should experiment slapping it off the side walls before they cross the blue line, so that the disk’s path off the boards is through the slot area.
Any oblique angle, really, would do, if only to turn the predictable shoot-in on its head, and introduce an element of uncertainty in the minds of backpedalling rearguards.
There have been other suggestions I have made over the years – remember HotHands®, the hand warmers that gave wearers the goal scorer’s touch? — but I’ll leave those for the think tank.
Right now I have to dig up those play diagrams I devised, the ones with X’s and O’s – and Z’s!
Sticking it to the coach
(April 22, 2017)
I don’t know what’s more outrageous, Cherry’s attire or his opinions.
If clothes make the man, then his are a blend of mohair and rayon: moron.
Actually his outfits, like his views, are made of whole cloth and clash with reality.
Take, for instance, his blaming Emelin for the winning goal in Game Five, when he stuck out his stick to block a shot by Kreider who was motoring along the boards. The puck deflected to a streaking Zibanejad, who fired it past Price.
“Dumb, dumb, dumb,” Cherry spouted, a sentiment which, had it been a momentary lapse into revelatory self-reflection on national television, would have been cause for celebration and wonder.
But, alas, as might be expected and in keeping with his character, Cherry’s criticism was directed at the Canadien defenceman, whose nationality undoubtedly increased the odds of his being the target of a rebuke by, as we are reminded often, a former coach of the year.
Kids, he expounded, don’t ever use your stick to block a shot because it could cause a deflection that results in a goal.
Never mind it is an instinctual defensive action used repeatedly throughout a game to good effect.
Certainly there are unintended consequences now and then – a goal – but the infrequency with which that occurs supports the belief that using the stick to redirect a shot or pass away from the net is worth doing more often than not.
(On the other hand, it could be ingrained behaviour for most players and thus beyond modification – just like slashing. In either case, it’s a sticky subject.)
Too bad there isn’t a Comedy Sports Central with a flagship version of The Daily Show – a program that takes a satirical look at the absurdities of the world of sports.
There would be no shortage of material to work with and Cherry’s pronouncements, in particular, would provide ample fodder for the gag-writers (which, admittedly, seems like piling on, because the coach on his own is quite capable of making people gag).
If there were such a show, it would make short work of Cherry’s bombastic – and hypocritical – flourishes by showing clips of the Don’s Anointed One, Bobby Orr, making the same ‘boneheaded’ play that Emilin did and thousands of others have done and will continue to do: stick their stick out.
But I could be wrong. Perhaps the NHL’s best player everrrrr!!!! never did such a thing in his career.
Or ……. he did it with such finesse that no harm everrrrr!!!! came from his doing it, only good.
I’d like to see the raw footage, though, not the Cherry-picked stuff.
(April 22, 2017)
I don’t know what’s more outrageous, Cherry’s attire or his opinions.
If clothes make the man, then his are a blend of mohair and rayon: moron.
Actually his outfits, like his views, are made of whole cloth and clash with reality.
Take, for instance, his blaming Emelin for the winning goal in Game Five, when he stuck out his stick to block a shot by Kreider who was motoring along the boards. The puck deflected to a streaking Zibanejad, who fired it past Price.
“Dumb, dumb, dumb,” Cherry spouted, a sentiment which, had it been a momentary lapse into revelatory self-reflection on national television, would have been cause for celebration and wonder.
But, alas, as might be expected and in keeping with his character, Cherry’s criticism was directed at the Canadien defenceman, whose nationality undoubtedly increased the odds of his being the target of a rebuke by, as we are reminded often, a former coach of the year.
Kids, he expounded, don’t ever use your stick to block a shot because it could cause a deflection that results in a goal.
Never mind it is an instinctual defensive action used repeatedly throughout a game to good effect.
Certainly there are unintended consequences now and then – a goal – but the infrequency with which that occurs supports the belief that using the stick to redirect a shot or pass away from the net is worth doing more often than not.
(On the other hand, it could be ingrained behaviour for most players and thus beyond modification – just like slashing. In either case, it’s a sticky subject.)
Too bad there isn’t a Comedy Sports Central with a flagship version of The Daily Show – a program that takes a satirical look at the absurdities of the world of sports.
There would be no shortage of material to work with and Cherry’s pronouncements, in particular, would provide ample fodder for the gag-writers (which, admittedly, seems like piling on, because the coach on his own is quite capable of making people gag).
If there were such a show, it would make short work of Cherry’s bombastic – and hypocritical – flourishes by showing clips of the Don’s Anointed One, Bobby Orr, making the same ‘boneheaded’ play that Emilin did and thousands of others have done and will continue to do: stick their stick out.
But I could be wrong. Perhaps the NHL’s best player everrrrr!!!! never did such a thing in his career.
Or ……. he did it with such finesse that no harm everrrrr!!!! came from his doing it, only good.
I’d like to see the raw footage, though, not the Cherry-picked stuff.
From the Vault
Don't mess with the Canadiens
(March 19, 2011)
MONTREAL – The National Hockey League Players’ Association announced today it intends to decertify.
“We got a letter from the Montreal Canadiens Alumni Association saying we can no longer use the word ‘association’,” said a source at the NHLPA. “You don’t mess with the Canadiens.”
The move to decertify caught the putative head of the players’ association, Donald Fehr, by surprise. He admitted he knew nothing about what had taken place, saying he is still getting up to speed on hockey – “or ‘shanny’ as you Canadians like to call it” – but he said it’s proving harder than he anticipated.
“The double switch in baseball I can understand but delayed offside? It’s like suspending time,” Fehr said.
The NHLPA source, representing a cabal of players “acting in the best interests of the sport,” said the association, “which is to be referred to as the group from now on until the ice chips settle,” plans to explore all options “as it re-associations, I mean, regroups.”
Those options include reforming into many smaller unions, representing different factions in the NHL. The finesse athletes, for example, could form their own guild of mostly European players but with some Canadian content. The enforcers are looking at setting up the Tough, Hardworking, Unabashed Guardians Society (THUGS). The majority of players are expected to sign up with the Sweater Fillers.
The source said Sean Avery and Matt Cooke would likely have to represent themselves. The Teamsters have already put the word out they’re not interested, saying they have their members to think of.
Decertification could turn out to be a good thing for the players, the source said, pointing out the NFL union has chosen to go that route to extract more money from the most profitable sport on earth.
“We’ll come at them from so many fronts, the owners won’t know what hit them,” the source said.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman agreed, saying team owners “fear their pockets will be picked by the divide-and-conquer approach adopted by the players.”
Bettman put up a brave front, however, sporting a wide grin as he made his comments.
Don't mess with the Canadiens
(March 19, 2011)
MONTREAL – The National Hockey League Players’ Association announced today it intends to decertify.
“We got a letter from the Montreal Canadiens Alumni Association saying we can no longer use the word ‘association’,” said a source at the NHLPA. “You don’t mess with the Canadiens.”
The move to decertify caught the putative head of the players’ association, Donald Fehr, by surprise. He admitted he knew nothing about what had taken place, saying he is still getting up to speed on hockey – “or ‘shanny’ as you Canadians like to call it” – but he said it’s proving harder than he anticipated.
“The double switch in baseball I can understand but delayed offside? It’s like suspending time,” Fehr said.
The NHLPA source, representing a cabal of players “acting in the best interests of the sport,” said the association, “which is to be referred to as the group from now on until the ice chips settle,” plans to explore all options “as it re-associations, I mean, regroups.”
Those options include reforming into many smaller unions, representing different factions in the NHL. The finesse athletes, for example, could form their own guild of mostly European players but with some Canadian content. The enforcers are looking at setting up the Tough, Hardworking, Unabashed Guardians Society (THUGS). The majority of players are expected to sign up with the Sweater Fillers.
The source said Sean Avery and Matt Cooke would likely have to represent themselves. The Teamsters have already put the word out they’re not interested, saying they have their members to think of.
Decertification could turn out to be a good thing for the players, the source said, pointing out the NFL union has chosen to go that route to extract more money from the most profitable sport on earth.
“We’ll come at them from so many fronts, the owners won’t know what hit them,” the source said.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman agreed, saying team owners “fear their pockets will be picked by the divide-and-conquer approach adopted by the players.”
Bettman put up a brave front, however, sporting a wide grin as he made his comments.
RIP Don
(May 8, 1926 - April 6, 2017)
About-face for the NHL commish
(From the lockout season)
This could be the tipping point that drove the league to make a new offer.
With so much time on their hands, and feeling obligated to fill air time that had been set aside for hockey, NHL officials organized a roast with Gary Bettman as the guest of honour, to show the world the commissioner has a sense of humour:
Don Rickles: Thanks for that wonderful introduction, Ronnie [rolls his eyes].
Geez, kid, you look lost up here without your security upholstery. Here, let me make you feel at home: You’re a jerk!
[Swivels head and looks at Bettman, swivels back and looks directly at camera]
We’re roasting a hockey puck?!!
[Leans over and tells Bettman] It’s a little black disc, Gary, that hockey players slap around. What’s that? They do that to you too? Well, boohoo, cry me a river why don’t you, you little Ratpoleon.
[Straightens up behind lecturn, holds hands up, palms out, looks baffled] Seriously, folks, all the guys you coulda roasted and you dummies pick Bettman? What’s he ever done to deserve a dinner? He’s burned two seasons, and he’s working on a third. For this he gets a seat at the head table?
[Turns to Bettman] Just keep your mouth shut, don’t say a word, and you won’t screw up here like you did at the bargaining table.
[Stares at Bettman who maintains a frozen grin] What is that, rent-a-rictus. Or did you actually shell out for a smile implant? Who was the donor? A 10-year-old corpse? Next time you send Daly out for a body part, tell him to pick up a heart while he’s at it.
[Reaches over, grabs Bettman’s cheeks with both hands, gives them a few shakes and then pulls them out and lets go. The smile remains, only wider – a huge mirthless grin. Rickles recoils, his eyebrows raised]
Neat trick, Gary. Now do us a favour and make the rest of you disappear. Here, let me help you.
[Walks behind behind Bettman, lifts him by the armpits and looks down]
Just as I thought, a booster seat. Figures. The only booster he’s ever had and he uses it to prop up his sorry ass.
[Returns to the lecturn] Why are we here again? [Pulls out some notes and begins reading] Hmmm. 1993. League replaces a Stein [glances over to Bettman] with a shot glass.
[Reads aloud from Wikipedia] “The owners hired Bettman with the mandate of selling the game in the U.S. market, ending labor unrest, completing expansion plans, and modernizing the views of the ‘old guard’ within the ownership ranks.”
What happened, you read only half the memo? And it says ‘selling the game’, not selling it out.
But that’s the NHL for ya. It coulda hired a lawyer who actually knows something about the game, even played it, but chose you as commissioner instead. Talk about getting the short end of the stick.
But, Gary,from the bottom of my heart, I say this with all sincerity, you have become the face of hockey – a face only a mother could love. You’re the skate guards that won’t come off, the shield that’s permanently fogged, the car that parks in the middle of a road hockey game.
Oh yeah, and you’re a hockey puck!
[Walks behind Bettman, pulls suit coat over his head, and begins slapping him around]
[Line begins to form behind Rickles. Scene fades to commercial]
Differences
(Jan. 18, 2017)
1st president: "I cannot tell a lie."
45th president: "I cannot tell the truth."
1st president: A key figure in the American Revolution
45th president: An off-key figure responsible for American Revulsion
(Jan. 18, 2017)
1st president: "I cannot tell a lie."
45th president: "I cannot tell the truth."
1st president: A key figure in the American Revolution
45th president: An off-key figure responsible for American Revulsion
What's in a nickname? Ask Grizz
(Oct. 28, 2016)
So what is Weber’s honest-to-goodness nickname?
It better not be Webbsy. (Sounds too much like whimsy.)
And don’t tell me it’s Man Mountain.
It’s just not, okay? You’re gonna tell me with a straight face that’s how his teammates address him in the dressing room, on the bench, during a game?
“Hey, Man Mountain, you done with that shampoo?”
“Man Mountain, JJ wants to know who you want out there."
“Nice job clearing that guy out of my crease, Man Mountain. I think I heard three ribs crack.”
Definitely unwieldy.
M & M? You gonna call Weber a candy ass? More than once? Didn’t think so.
Nope, he needs a nickname (along with a little jump in his step, like the one he makes those on the other team do when he approaches them).
I think Grizz fits best. Short for grizzly, of which he has the temperament and build. And they hail from the same province.
Also short for grizzled. As in streaked with grey – his beard/stubble/whiskers, and the pallor of his opponents in the corner.
(Okay, maybe his beard isn’t flecked with grey but in hockey terms he’s considered a greybeard, or old man.)
And to all this you can add grisly — “causing horror or fear.”
Certainly makes communication a lot easier.
“Hey, Grizz, want me dry your hair?”
“Grizz, I thought the players were supposed to share the water bottle? No? Okay.”
“Grizz, fire thGreat shot!”
I hope it catches on.
Cuz I just ©opyrighted it.
(Oct. 28, 2016)
So what is Weber’s honest-to-goodness nickname?
It better not be Webbsy. (Sounds too much like whimsy.)
And don’t tell me it’s Man Mountain.
It’s just not, okay? You’re gonna tell me with a straight face that’s how his teammates address him in the dressing room, on the bench, during a game?
“Hey, Man Mountain, you done with that shampoo?”
“Man Mountain, JJ wants to know who you want out there."
“Nice job clearing that guy out of my crease, Man Mountain. I think I heard three ribs crack.”
Definitely unwieldy.
M & M? You gonna call Weber a candy ass? More than once? Didn’t think so.
Nope, he needs a nickname (along with a little jump in his step, like the one he makes those on the other team do when he approaches them).
I think Grizz fits best. Short for grizzly, of which he has the temperament and build. And they hail from the same province.
Also short for grizzled. As in streaked with grey – his beard/stubble/whiskers, and the pallor of his opponents in the corner.
(Okay, maybe his beard isn’t flecked with grey but in hockey terms he’s considered a greybeard, or old man.)
And to all this you can add grisly — “causing horror or fear.”
Certainly makes communication a lot easier.
“Hey, Grizz, want me dry your hair?”
“Grizz, I thought the players were supposed to share the water bottle? No? Okay.”
“Grizz, fire thGreat shot!”
I hope it catches on.
Cuz I just ©opyrighted it.
Bedridden players. Good riddance!
(Oct. 5, 2016)
Would the task of maintaining a roster at its regulated size be made more manageable if the team were “ravaged” by serial sickness over the course of a season?
Rather than cut players why not cut players? You know, with the tip of a knife that’s been dipped in bacteria to cause diptheria.
Now that you mention it, that might be going a bit too far, and if the National Hockey League ever got wind of the scheme, it could end up in the hands of the Department of Player Safety.
Okay, so there’s no worries there but still, the use of knives might not be the best way to effeXXXinfect change, however cutting edge the revolutionary roster management program would unquestionably be.
A more subtle approach is required, one that doesn’t invite media inquiries and other teams’ scrutiny.
(Fans couldn't care less as long as their team is winning.)
Let’s see … what to do, what to do …
Got it!
No more healthy scratches -- strictly unhealthy scratches, by a CHat no less, scratches that render players temporarily unfit for action for reasons of sickness – anywhere from two to three games at a time.
Of course, the mainstays of the team would not be subjected to periodic, induced absences, only those in the lower ranks and bottom pairings whose tenure with the team is still in question.
The whole idea is to lessen the burden on a coach in deciding who gets to stick with the team and who gets sent down.
For the players it would be akin to a permanent tryout, with time off for fatigue, headaches and low-grade fever.
Not that much different after a night on the town, really.
It would take some experimentation the first season to ensure players moving in and out of the lineup don’t suffer any lasting ill-effects, such as permanent brain damage and amputation (permanent as well), which I’m sure you are as surprised to learn as I was can result from cat scratch fever.
But change always comes with a risk.
If the athletes are truly team players, they will consent to sacrificing their health OFF the ice as much as they do ON it.
If the use of capitals didn’t cinch the argument, perhaps this will: What player wouldn’t want some time off now and then during eight grueling months, knowing there will always be a spot waiting for him in the lineup.
What it comes down to is a form of sick leave: When the team wants a player to leave — for a week or so — it makes the player sick. Simple, really.
It’s a far better deal than we fans will ever get when our team makes us ill.
(Oct. 5, 2016)
Would the task of maintaining a roster at its regulated size be made more manageable if the team were “ravaged” by serial sickness over the course of a season?
Rather than cut players why not cut players? You know, with the tip of a knife that’s been dipped in bacteria to cause diptheria.
Now that you mention it, that might be going a bit too far, and if the National Hockey League ever got wind of the scheme, it could end up in the hands of the Department of Player Safety.
Okay, so there’s no worries there but still, the use of knives might not be the best way to effeXXXinfect change, however cutting edge the revolutionary roster management program would unquestionably be.
A more subtle approach is required, one that doesn’t invite media inquiries and other teams’ scrutiny.
(Fans couldn't care less as long as their team is winning.)
Let’s see … what to do, what to do …
Got it!
No more healthy scratches -- strictly unhealthy scratches, by a CHat no less, scratches that render players temporarily unfit for action for reasons of sickness – anywhere from two to three games at a time.
Of course, the mainstays of the team would not be subjected to periodic, induced absences, only those in the lower ranks and bottom pairings whose tenure with the team is still in question.
The whole idea is to lessen the burden on a coach in deciding who gets to stick with the team and who gets sent down.
For the players it would be akin to a permanent tryout, with time off for fatigue, headaches and low-grade fever.
Not that much different after a night on the town, really.
It would take some experimentation the first season to ensure players moving in and out of the lineup don’t suffer any lasting ill-effects, such as permanent brain damage and amputation (permanent as well), which I’m sure you are as surprised to learn as I was can result from cat scratch fever.
But change always comes with a risk.
If the athletes are truly team players, they will consent to sacrificing their health OFF the ice as much as they do ON it.
If the use of capitals didn’t cinch the argument, perhaps this will: What player wouldn’t want some time off now and then during eight grueling months, knowing there will always be a spot waiting for him in the lineup.
What it comes down to is a form of sick leave: When the team wants a player to leave — for a week or so — it makes the player sick. Simple, really.
It’s a far better deal than we fans will ever get when our team makes us ill.
Making his first appearance at Just for Laughs ...
(Aug. 2, 2016)
Not to be outdone, MB makes a cameo appearance at Just For Laughs:
[Enters to a chorus of boos]: “Whoa, what is this, an analysts convention?
Analyze this [raises middle finger; waits till the furor dies down] I want to thank the organizers of Just for Laughs for allowing me the opportunity to respond to PK Subban’s shots earlier. Thankfully, just like when he was on the power play, they missed the mark. But you’ve got to give Subban credit for trying. Before he does himself.
What hurt PK with his shots was the big windup. Therrien kept telling him, ‘Just take the freaking shot, don’t smile for the camera!’
But PK wouldn’t listen. Which is why I had to trade him. [more boos] You sound just like his teammates … when they found out I wasn’t shopping him. You wouldn’t believe the emails I got from them in the days before his no-trade clause kicked in July 1. Begging me to ship him out. Said they couldn’t stand another six years of his self-promotion. They were ecstatic when they learned I picked up Weber. They were ready to settle for Phaneuf. I was ready to settle for Phaneuf. Thank gawd, Poile called.
I am having regrets, though.
I should have included Desharnais like he asked. Just kidding, Davey [waves to Desharnais at the back; Bergevin looks back at the audience, shakes his head slightly, to indicate he wasn’t kidding]
To be fair, Subban was good in the dressing room. Clothing-wise. Did his own make-up, too.
And he could dazzle fans with his moves, I’ll give him that. He slayed them with his footwork. His opponents he slew.
Subban is so talented he’s much more than a defenceman. He’s also forward. Really forward. But he can’t play the wing — he’s more of a self-centre.
PK took it hard when his teammates didn’t vote him captain of the Canadiens or winner of the humanitarian award. Or let him know the venue for the Christmas party had been changed. But in their defence they did send him invitations to practices that clearly showed the place and time.
Therrien once told Subban after he tried to be too individualistic on a play and it cost the team the game that there’s no ‘i’ in team, and Subban replied, ‘No, but there’s ‘me’” and Therrien responded, ‘You’re a lousy speller — and you got it backwards’ and Subban answered ‘I’m a defenceman, that’s what I do’ and Therrien said … I don’t know what Therrien said, they were still going at it when I left the room.
They’d still be going at it if I didn’t get rid of one of them. I chose Therrien. [boos] Hey, you just sound like the players. But for them it’s the lesser of two evils. Just kidding, Michel [waves to Therrien in the back with Desharnais, then looks to the audience … and nods]
Well, folks, it’s been a real treat to be onstage at Just For Laughs – what Subban used to call team meetings – and I’d like to end by playing a song that PK’s teammates used to play whenever he entered the room — ‘You’re So Vain’.
[leaves to a chorus of boos, led by Subban, who stands up in the audience and eggs them on, providing the eggs]
(Aug. 2, 2016)
Not to be outdone, MB makes a cameo appearance at Just For Laughs:
[Enters to a chorus of boos]: “Whoa, what is this, an analysts convention?
Analyze this [raises middle finger; waits till the furor dies down] I want to thank the organizers of Just for Laughs for allowing me the opportunity to respond to PK Subban’s shots earlier. Thankfully, just like when he was on the power play, they missed the mark. But you’ve got to give Subban credit for trying. Before he does himself.
What hurt PK with his shots was the big windup. Therrien kept telling him, ‘Just take the freaking shot, don’t smile for the camera!’
But PK wouldn’t listen. Which is why I had to trade him. [more boos] You sound just like his teammates … when they found out I wasn’t shopping him. You wouldn’t believe the emails I got from them in the days before his no-trade clause kicked in July 1. Begging me to ship him out. Said they couldn’t stand another six years of his self-promotion. They were ecstatic when they learned I picked up Weber. They were ready to settle for Phaneuf. I was ready to settle for Phaneuf. Thank gawd, Poile called.
I am having regrets, though.
I should have included Desharnais like he asked. Just kidding, Davey [waves to Desharnais at the back; Bergevin looks back at the audience, shakes his head slightly, to indicate he wasn’t kidding]
To be fair, Subban was good in the dressing room. Clothing-wise. Did his own make-up, too.
And he could dazzle fans with his moves, I’ll give him that. He slayed them with his footwork. His opponents he slew.
Subban is so talented he’s much more than a defenceman. He’s also forward. Really forward. But he can’t play the wing — he’s more of a self-centre.
PK took it hard when his teammates didn’t vote him captain of the Canadiens or winner of the humanitarian award. Or let him know the venue for the Christmas party had been changed. But in their defence they did send him invitations to practices that clearly showed the place and time.
Therrien once told Subban after he tried to be too individualistic on a play and it cost the team the game that there’s no ‘i’ in team, and Subban replied, ‘No, but there’s ‘me’” and Therrien responded, ‘You’re a lousy speller — and you got it backwards’ and Subban answered ‘I’m a defenceman, that’s what I do’ and Therrien said … I don’t know what Therrien said, they were still going at it when I left the room.
They’d still be going at it if I didn’t get rid of one of them. I chose Therrien. [boos] Hey, you just sound like the players. But for them it’s the lesser of two evils. Just kidding, Michel [waves to Therrien in the back with Desharnais, then looks to the audience … and nods]
Well, folks, it’s been a real treat to be onstage at Just For Laughs – what Subban used to call team meetings – and I’d like to end by playing a song that PK’s teammates used to play whenever he entered the room — ‘You’re So Vain’.
[leaves to a chorus of boos, led by Subban, who stands up in the audience and eggs them on, providing the eggs]
Weber, man, you got to nail it first time out
(July 19, 2016)
It’s obvious Weber is going to have to come up with something special for his first appearance as a Hab to top Subban’s introduction as a Predator.
I’m thinking he should show up for the press conference using a walker or doing Tim Conway’s old man shuffle. That should be good for a laugh – or a heart attack by Therrien. A win either way, eh, you coach haters?
(Babies, one and all, I tell ya.)
Or maybe he should enter the room humming a Celine Dion tune and sporting a beret at a jaunty angle. Perhaps a two-hour growth of whiskers on his upper lip to resemble a pencil moustache. (Alternatively, he could Scotch tape a black pencil beneath his nose.)
He could win over the assembled reporters by painstakingly answering every question in French, making constant reference to an English-French dictionary.
It would draw out the proceedings but go a long way to endearing himself to Canadien fans with his earnest attempt to immerse himself in the local culture.
I would even go so far as to suggest he walk in wearing a Canadiens sweater with the number 76, to throw down the gauntlet at the feet of his detractors, but disarming them by explaining he decided to go with his age in hockey years.
Maybe a little rap music will help:
My name is Weber
You can call me Shea
I ain’t that old
And I can still play
Subban I’m not
But that’s okay
I get the job done
In my own way
Now listen real close
To what I say
Yeah, PK’s a Pred
But I ain’t no prey
The deal’s been done
And will soon parlay
Into a Cup win
On a summer’s day
The drought will end
We'll sing ole!
Yeah, my name is Weber
You can call me Shea
(July 19, 2016)
It’s obvious Weber is going to have to come up with something special for his first appearance as a Hab to top Subban’s introduction as a Predator.
I’m thinking he should show up for the press conference using a walker or doing Tim Conway’s old man shuffle. That should be good for a laugh – or a heart attack by Therrien. A win either way, eh, you coach haters?
(Babies, one and all, I tell ya.)
Or maybe he should enter the room humming a Celine Dion tune and sporting a beret at a jaunty angle. Perhaps a two-hour growth of whiskers on his upper lip to resemble a pencil moustache. (Alternatively, he could Scotch tape a black pencil beneath his nose.)
He could win over the assembled reporters by painstakingly answering every question in French, making constant reference to an English-French dictionary.
It would draw out the proceedings but go a long way to endearing himself to Canadien fans with his earnest attempt to immerse himself in the local culture.
I would even go so far as to suggest he walk in wearing a Canadiens sweater with the number 76, to throw down the gauntlet at the feet of his detractors, but disarming them by explaining he decided to go with his age in hockey years.
Maybe a little rap music will help:
My name is Weber
You can call me Shea
I ain’t that old
And I can still play
Subban I’m not
But that’s okay
I get the job done
In my own way
Now listen real close
To what I say
Yeah, PK’s a Pred
But I ain’t no prey
The deal’s been done
And will soon parlay
Into a Cup win
On a summer’s day
The drought will end
We'll sing ole!
Yeah, my name is Weber
You can call me Shea
Knock, knock
(July 17, 2016)
Hey, PK, here’s some stuff you can use in your Just for Laughs gig:
Question: Why’d the forward cross the blueline?
Answer: To chase the puck he dumped in the corner.
Knock, knock
Who’s there”
Therrien
Therrien who?
Exactly
What’s the difference between Subban and Weber?
One’s PK, the other one’s OK.
(July 17, 2016)
Hey, PK, here’s some stuff you can use in your Just for Laughs gig:
Question: Why’d the forward cross the blueline?
Answer: To chase the puck he dumped in the corner.
Knock, knock
Who’s there”
Therrien
Therrien who?
Exactly
What’s the difference between Subban and Weber?
One’s PK, the other one’s OK.
Expansion team pays tribute to city's past
(June 28, 2016)
Las Vegas – The newest member of the National Hockey League has given itself a name: the Las Vegas Mob.
“It’s in tribute to the people who took a sleepy little community way out in the desert and turned it into a world-class tourist destination,” team owner Bill Foley said at a press conference held at the swanky Bouillabaisse Hotel. “The city’s builders, a group of 20th century pioneers, took a gamble and risked their lives and others’ to create an entertainment mecca. It’s a major part of local history that we’re honouring with our choice of name.”
Foley said members of the team – “the family” — will be known as Mobsters, the GM and coach as dons, and the captain as capo.
Fourth-line players will be referred to as soldiers.
The billionaire businessman held up a couple of mock headlines that play on the team’s provocative handle: ‘Mob whacks Bruins’, ‘Rangers iced’, ‘Kings clipped’.
“As you can see the name readily lends itself to creative usage that conveys a certain image we intend to promote heavily: You don’t mess with the Mob. In fact, we’re going to hang that motto in the dressing room – of every other team.”
The family will be looking for “intimidating” players to fill its roster, Foley said – ”wiseguys, not rats. We hate rats. Unless they form a pack and can carry a tune.”
The Mob also plans to sprinkle its lineup with players who speak Italian “to remain true to the team’s ethnic and cultural roots,” he said.
Foley introduced two silent partners, Mugsy Siegel and Myron Lansky, grandsons of the “key figures who had a vision for Las Vegas and made it come true through sheer force of will. And a little bit of muscle.”
Foley said the Mob and the NHL should be “a good fit” as both live by a Code and are willing to make sacrifices — “principles, if need be, human resources when necessary” — to earn a profit.
“I like Commish (Gary) Bettman, he’s a really good mouthpiece for the owners,” Foley said.
He acknowledged the $500 million expansion fee is “hefty – the NHL has balls, I’ll give them that,” but the team has explored a number of areas where it can generate revenue, such as “collection services” and “draft lottery management,” that will help ease the transition to joining the league.
“We’ve only begun to skim the surface of possibilities,” he said.
Foley said he isn’t worried about putting together a roster made up largely of players left unprotected and not wanted by other teams.
“There are a number of attractive free agents who will be available next year and I’m confident we’ll come up with offers they can’t refuse,” he said.
(June 28, 2016)
Las Vegas – The newest member of the National Hockey League has given itself a name: the Las Vegas Mob.
“It’s in tribute to the people who took a sleepy little community way out in the desert and turned it into a world-class tourist destination,” team owner Bill Foley said at a press conference held at the swanky Bouillabaisse Hotel. “The city’s builders, a group of 20th century pioneers, took a gamble and risked their lives and others’ to create an entertainment mecca. It’s a major part of local history that we’re honouring with our choice of name.”
Foley said members of the team – “the family” — will be known as Mobsters, the GM and coach as dons, and the captain as capo.
Fourth-line players will be referred to as soldiers.
The billionaire businessman held up a couple of mock headlines that play on the team’s provocative handle: ‘Mob whacks Bruins’, ‘Rangers iced’, ‘Kings clipped’.
“As you can see the name readily lends itself to creative usage that conveys a certain image we intend to promote heavily: You don’t mess with the Mob. In fact, we’re going to hang that motto in the dressing room – of every other team.”
The family will be looking for “intimidating” players to fill its roster, Foley said – ”wiseguys, not rats. We hate rats. Unless they form a pack and can carry a tune.”
The Mob also plans to sprinkle its lineup with players who speak Italian “to remain true to the team’s ethnic and cultural roots,” he said.
Foley introduced two silent partners, Mugsy Siegel and Myron Lansky, grandsons of the “key figures who had a vision for Las Vegas and made it come true through sheer force of will. And a little bit of muscle.”
Foley said the Mob and the NHL should be “a good fit” as both live by a Code and are willing to make sacrifices — “principles, if need be, human resources when necessary” — to earn a profit.
“I like Commish (Gary) Bettman, he’s a really good mouthpiece for the owners,” Foley said.
He acknowledged the $500 million expansion fee is “hefty – the NHL has balls, I’ll give them that,” but the team has explored a number of areas where it can generate revenue, such as “collection services” and “draft lottery management,” that will help ease the transition to joining the league.
“We’ve only begun to skim the surface of possibilities,” he said.
Foley said he isn’t worried about putting together a roster made up largely of players left unprotected and not wanted by other teams.
“There are a number of attractive free agents who will be available next year and I’m confident we’ll come up with offers they can’t refuse,” he said.
Roy quits Avs, blames his boss
(Aug. 13, 2016)
There is no I in team or me in club but as Roy correctly points out there is ise in franchise, and he upbraids Sakic for not recognizing his genius:
Ise the b’y that builds the boat
And Ise the b’y that sails her.
If I had been both GM and coach
Avs wouldn’t have been a failure.
(Aug. 13, 2016)
There is no I in team or me in club but as Roy correctly points out there is ise in franchise, and he upbraids Sakic for not recognizing his genius:
Ise the b’y that builds the boat
And Ise the b’y that sails her.
If I had been both GM and coach
Avs wouldn’t have been a failure.
Lonnnnng season on the gridiron
(Aug. 29, 2016)
Signs your favourite NFL team might not be that good this year:
The opening kickoff is blocked
The franchise player is the holder
The quarterback draws up plays on the turf with his foot
Hometown fans petition the team to change its name because they find it embarrassing; they’re now known as the California Chargers
The huddles last just a little bit too long for comfort
The coach’s headphone is tuned to a rock station
The team gives up a first round draft pick to get Jake Cutler
The league orders the team to take banned substances
The team wasn’t included in Madden NFL 17
The special teams coordinator plays Pokemon GO on the sidelines
The centre has really, REALLY short arms
The team’s leading receiver repeatedly gets hurt calling fair catch on passes
(Aug. 29, 2016)
Signs your favourite NFL team might not be that good this year:
The opening kickoff is blocked
The franchise player is the holder
The quarterback draws up plays on the turf with his foot
Hometown fans petition the team to change its name because they find it embarrassing; they’re now known as the California Chargers
The huddles last just a little bit too long for comfort
The coach’s headphone is tuned to a rock station
The team gives up a first round draft pick to get Jake Cutler
The league orders the team to take banned substances
The team wasn’t included in Madden NFL 17
The special teams coordinator plays Pokemon GO on the sidelines
The centre has really, REALLY short arms
The team’s leading receiver repeatedly gets hurt calling fair catch on passes
It's a bird! It's a plane! It's buffoons in a balloon!
(Feb. 23, 2016)
Let's see, we have a bandwagon that's wobbling along, a ship that's very much sinking, and a tank that's rolling under the opposition. There's only one mode of transportation not being employed by the Canadiens and their supporters so here is my suggestion: It's time we floated a trial balloon.
Let Bergevin and Therrien be judged for their actions by a jury of their peers – no, make it their superiors, we fans – in a venue well above the discord far below. The setting would be an apt one, given the team has become something of a basket case, and fuel won't be a problem, as there's no shortage of hot air hereabouts.
The two men would be called upon to defend themselves against charges of incompetence and neglect. If found guilty they would be compelled to pay the aggrieved parties bringing suit aggravated, compensatory, general, nominal, pecuniary, punitive and special damages as compensation for the fans' loss of enjoyment in the team's performance.
Although the outcome of this proceeding would seem to be self-evident given what has happened so publicly this season, Bergevin and Therrien could rest assured they would be given a fair hearing, knowing their fate would be up in the air throughout the entire proceeding and not determined in advance.
Hearsay evidence would be allowed by professionals expert in acquiring second-hand information for distribution to the sporting public. More importantly, their testimony would have the residual benefit of keeping the balloon securely aloft.
Now it could happen that a guilty verdict and an order of compensation might not be enough to sate fans' demands for justice, even vengeance, for what the GM and coach have wrought, in which case an alternative punishment might be considered the more appropriate measure.
Bergevin and Therrien obviously would prefer that the charges brought against them be tossed out. Their critics would rather it be them.
And in a trial balloon that could be easily accommodated.
It's one way of bringing back memories of the flying Frenchmen.
(Feb. 23, 2016)
Let's see, we have a bandwagon that's wobbling along, a ship that's very much sinking, and a tank that's rolling under the opposition. There's only one mode of transportation not being employed by the Canadiens and their supporters so here is my suggestion: It's time we floated a trial balloon.
Let Bergevin and Therrien be judged for their actions by a jury of their peers – no, make it their superiors, we fans – in a venue well above the discord far below. The setting would be an apt one, given the team has become something of a basket case, and fuel won't be a problem, as there's no shortage of hot air hereabouts.
The two men would be called upon to defend themselves against charges of incompetence and neglect. If found guilty they would be compelled to pay the aggrieved parties bringing suit aggravated, compensatory, general, nominal, pecuniary, punitive and special damages as compensation for the fans' loss of enjoyment in the team's performance.
Although the outcome of this proceeding would seem to be self-evident given what has happened so publicly this season, Bergevin and Therrien could rest assured they would be given a fair hearing, knowing their fate would be up in the air throughout the entire proceeding and not determined in advance.
Hearsay evidence would be allowed by professionals expert in acquiring second-hand information for distribution to the sporting public. More importantly, their testimony would have the residual benefit of keeping the balloon securely aloft.
Now it could happen that a guilty verdict and an order of compensation might not be enough to sate fans' demands for justice, even vengeance, for what the GM and coach have wrought, in which case an alternative punishment might be considered the more appropriate measure.
Bergevin and Therrien obviously would prefer that the charges brought against them be tossed out. Their critics would rather it be them.
And in a trial balloon that could be easily accommodated.
It's one way of bringing back memories of the flying Frenchmen.
Don't beat up team, be upbeat!
(Jan. 22, 2016)
The team has been going through a rough patch for quite a spell now but I still see a lot of upside in what’s been happening.
Yes, it looks like Bergevin and Therrien have screwed up the season and it’s a toss-up who's more responsible for the foul-ups that make us all want to throw up.
Bergevin, who’s seen as an upstanding guy, appeared to be upfront at his news conference when he accepted blame for why the team is up against it. But when reporters tried to follow up with questions about whether the trade for Scott was on the up-and-up, he clammed up pretty quickly, saying the deal was done for reasons he couldn’t disclose. What he did say didn’t add up.
Talk of picking up that uppity Drouin has some fans up in arms but they need to suck it up and realize Bergevin has to up the ante with the offence which, let’s face it, has had fans in an uproar for a long time. (Some fans are in favour of the trade, saying Drouin is the pick-me-up the team could use to turn around its season and move up the standings.)
My advice to uptight fans is to loosen up, and put an end to all this talk of doom-and-gloom. Bergevin said he won’t be firing Therrien so we need to do what we can to fire up the team, and we can start by easing up on criticism, especially when Markov coughs up the puck. He’s done a bang-up job for years so cut him some slack now that he’s simply banged-up.
And should the Canadiens end up out of the playoffs, by a lot, well, Bergevin will know what to do with the team this summer: Blow it up
(Jan. 22, 2016)
The team has been going through a rough patch for quite a spell now but I still see a lot of upside in what’s been happening.
Yes, it looks like Bergevin and Therrien have screwed up the season and it’s a toss-up who's more responsible for the foul-ups that make us all want to throw up.
Bergevin, who’s seen as an upstanding guy, appeared to be upfront at his news conference when he accepted blame for why the team is up against it. But when reporters tried to follow up with questions about whether the trade for Scott was on the up-and-up, he clammed up pretty quickly, saying the deal was done for reasons he couldn’t disclose. What he did say didn’t add up.
Talk of picking up that uppity Drouin has some fans up in arms but they need to suck it up and realize Bergevin has to up the ante with the offence which, let’s face it, has had fans in an uproar for a long time. (Some fans are in favour of the trade, saying Drouin is the pick-me-up the team could use to turn around its season and move up the standings.)
My advice to uptight fans is to loosen up, and put an end to all this talk of doom-and-gloom. Bergevin said he won’t be firing Therrien so we need to do what we can to fire up the team, and we can start by easing up on criticism, especially when Markov coughs up the puck. He’s done a bang-up job for years so cut him some slack now that he’s simply banged-up.
And should the Canadiens end up out of the playoffs, by a lot, well, Bergevin will know what to do with the team this summer: Blow it up
Therrien's days can be safely numbered now
(Jan. 18, 2016)
While you guys have been organizing Therrien's going-away party – I think he's got wind of it so it's no longer a surprise – I've been doing the heavy lifting, coming up with a list of credible candidates to replace him.
You'll be astounded how many qualified individuals are out there – if you look beyond the old boys network.
Turns out having someone step in and take over the reins without a hitch won't be so hard after all.
I've shortened the list to the top three:
Brad Marchand – Yes, having the same name as one of the Canadiens' most hated rivals could prove to be a hurdle, but the man's offensive genius will win over the most fierce skeptic.
“Mad Man” Marchand has designed plays of staggering originality – one of them, in fact, required his players to skate as if they were drunk – and stunning effectiveness. His power plays achieve a success rate half again as much as that of his opposing teams' penalty killing units and the number of goals his centres have scored with a shot from the game's opening face-off has shattered the old mark.
Marchand has even turned blocking shots into an offensive weapon.
Players are prohibited from employing the dump-and-chase; instead they are told to “serpentine” as they make their way into the offensive zone.
His most scholarly achievement was to identify 29 parts of the body as deflection points for defenceman to aim at when blasting from the point.
Marchand has forced leagues to make rule changes wherever he has gone, such as having players scanned for sensory disruptors before taking the ice and their sticks checked for spring-loaded shaft extenders controlled by a thumb button.
Marchand is said to be working on a “shock-and-awe” system of plays that could revolutionize the game and compel stewards of hockey at all levels to consider shrinking the nets by half.
So threatened are the bastions of the sport by this prospect that Marchand is accompanied by bodyguards whenever he appears in public.
Pierre LePew – Don't let his age, 93, throw you off. He knows his hockey; he was around when it was invented (or so he says). There isn't a system he hasn't encountered, developed or modified in his 70 years of coaching from pond hockey to beer league.
'Pop' LePew knows how to adapt, whether it's coming up with a strategy to counter a trap or figuring out how to change the battery in his hearing aid.
LePew has accumulated a huge collection of trophies and awards over the years, mostly through break-ins.
Cy St. Vincent – A skipping rope accident when he was nine ended his ambition of ever playing street hockey, let along professional hockey. St. Vincent compensated by becoming a student of the game and devoting countless hours to learning everything he could about the sport, with an outsider's perspective that's unique to non-players.
He could see things on the ice that others couldn't, although much of that was explained by that skipping rope accident.
His finely honed analytical skills soon landed St. Vincent a job with one of the notorious Hudson Bay junior teams, initially as an aide to the assistant general manager. But he quickly rose through the ranks and took over as owner half-way through the season.
Quintupling as coach, manager, trainer, bookkeeper, and herbalist, St. Vincent – Vinny to his legion of fans and illegitimate offspring – engineered a remarkable turnaround in the team's fortunes. It shot up from last place, took over sole possession of first place, and won the league championship by going undefeated in the playoffs, with all four series going the minimum seven games.
One of his players credited St. Vincent's wise counsel for helping him develop a cure for Lyme disease.
St. Vincent went on to repeat his success at communities throughout Quebec, each move getting him closer to his goal, a coaching job in the National Hockey League.
Unfortunately, a skipping rope accident has temporarily derailed his ambitions but he is expected to be back on his feet within six months. Doctors have warned him, however, he will have to live with his right arm behind his neck for the rest of his life.
Oh, yes, The Question: Do all these gentlemen speak French. In a manner of speaking, yes: a bit of a curl to the lip, a look of disdain, a Gallic shrug.
Should more be required to secure them employment, such as a knowledge of the language, all three said they are willing to learn phonetics and develop a facility for reading cue cards unobtrusively.
(Jan. 18, 2016)
While you guys have been organizing Therrien's going-away party – I think he's got wind of it so it's no longer a surprise – I've been doing the heavy lifting, coming up with a list of credible candidates to replace him.
You'll be astounded how many qualified individuals are out there – if you look beyond the old boys network.
Turns out having someone step in and take over the reins without a hitch won't be so hard after all.
I've shortened the list to the top three:
Brad Marchand – Yes, having the same name as one of the Canadiens' most hated rivals could prove to be a hurdle, but the man's offensive genius will win over the most fierce skeptic.
“Mad Man” Marchand has designed plays of staggering originality – one of them, in fact, required his players to skate as if they were drunk – and stunning effectiveness. His power plays achieve a success rate half again as much as that of his opposing teams' penalty killing units and the number of goals his centres have scored with a shot from the game's opening face-off has shattered the old mark.
Marchand has even turned blocking shots into an offensive weapon.
Players are prohibited from employing the dump-and-chase; instead they are told to “serpentine” as they make their way into the offensive zone.
His most scholarly achievement was to identify 29 parts of the body as deflection points for defenceman to aim at when blasting from the point.
Marchand has forced leagues to make rule changes wherever he has gone, such as having players scanned for sensory disruptors before taking the ice and their sticks checked for spring-loaded shaft extenders controlled by a thumb button.
Marchand is said to be working on a “shock-and-awe” system of plays that could revolutionize the game and compel stewards of hockey at all levels to consider shrinking the nets by half.
So threatened are the bastions of the sport by this prospect that Marchand is accompanied by bodyguards whenever he appears in public.
Pierre LePew – Don't let his age, 93, throw you off. He knows his hockey; he was around when it was invented (or so he says). There isn't a system he hasn't encountered, developed or modified in his 70 years of coaching from pond hockey to beer league.
'Pop' LePew knows how to adapt, whether it's coming up with a strategy to counter a trap or figuring out how to change the battery in his hearing aid.
LePew has accumulated a huge collection of trophies and awards over the years, mostly through break-ins.
Cy St. Vincent – A skipping rope accident when he was nine ended his ambition of ever playing street hockey, let along professional hockey. St. Vincent compensated by becoming a student of the game and devoting countless hours to learning everything he could about the sport, with an outsider's perspective that's unique to non-players.
He could see things on the ice that others couldn't, although much of that was explained by that skipping rope accident.
His finely honed analytical skills soon landed St. Vincent a job with one of the notorious Hudson Bay junior teams, initially as an aide to the assistant general manager. But he quickly rose through the ranks and took over as owner half-way through the season.
Quintupling as coach, manager, trainer, bookkeeper, and herbalist, St. Vincent – Vinny to his legion of fans and illegitimate offspring – engineered a remarkable turnaround in the team's fortunes. It shot up from last place, took over sole possession of first place, and won the league championship by going undefeated in the playoffs, with all four series going the minimum seven games.
One of his players credited St. Vincent's wise counsel for helping him develop a cure for Lyme disease.
St. Vincent went on to repeat his success at communities throughout Quebec, each move getting him closer to his goal, a coaching job in the National Hockey League.
Unfortunately, a skipping rope accident has temporarily derailed his ambitions but he is expected to be back on his feet within six months. Doctors have warned him, however, he will have to live with his right arm behind his neck for the rest of his life.
Oh, yes, The Question: Do all these gentlemen speak French. In a manner of speaking, yes: a bit of a curl to the lip, a look of disdain, a Gallic shrug.
Should more be required to secure them employment, such as a knowledge of the language, all three said they are willing to learn phonetics and develop a facility for reading cue cards unobtrusively.
Signs your team could be in trouble
(Dec. 19, 2015)
-- players are advised to take a different route to practice each time
-- the top-selling sweater has the trainer's name
-- the coach starts using a notebook behind the bench
-- the player of the month is a rookie called up last week
-- the guy who has been out with an injury for six weeks still leads the team in scoring
-- the team practices how to hit the glass when clearing the puck
-- players are secretly glad broadcasters mispronounce their names
-- management begins watching Coach's Corner for advice
-- players starting the game ask to be introduced by their numbers only
-- the team takes penalties to increase its scoring chances
-- a hospital donates $1 million, says use the money on scouting
-- the coach uses a timeout to issue a coach's challenge to his team
-- players begin collecting pucks as souvenirs after scoring
-- the GM takes to wearing track pants and a sweatshirt
-- down three goals, the team pulls its coach
-- fans halfheartedly hum Ole, ole, and only during commercial breaks
-- players keep busting their sticks icing the puck
-- the team looks up to the Leafs in the standings
-- Jack Edwards sends a card of sympathy
(Dec. 19, 2015)
-- players are advised to take a different route to practice each time
-- the top-selling sweater has the trainer's name
-- the coach starts using a notebook behind the bench
-- the player of the month is a rookie called up last week
-- the guy who has been out with an injury for six weeks still leads the team in scoring
-- the team practices how to hit the glass when clearing the puck
-- players are secretly glad broadcasters mispronounce their names
-- management begins watching Coach's Corner for advice
-- players starting the game ask to be introduced by their numbers only
-- the team takes penalties to increase its scoring chances
-- a hospital donates $1 million, says use the money on scouting
-- the coach uses a timeout to issue a coach's challenge to his team
-- players begin collecting pucks as souvenirs after scoring
-- the GM takes to wearing track pants and a sweatshirt
-- down three goals, the team pulls its coach
-- fans halfheartedly hum Ole, ole, and only during commercial breaks
-- players keep busting their sticks icing the puck
-- the team looks up to the Leafs in the standings
-- Jack Edwards sends a card of sympathy
Questions, always the questions
(Dec. 8, 2015)
-- When players like Semin are no longer wanted, do teams send a Wore Out Your Welcome Wagon lady to bid them farewell?
-- How good is this idea: Put a layer of bubble wrap inside player's helmets? It would provide a certain level of protection and when that safeguard was breached by a blow to the noggin you could count the bubbles that were popped to determine right away how much harm was done.
“How bad was that hit to Kinowski's head?”
“75 bubbles.”
“Send him to the quiet room pronto!”
Bubbleheads® could be the answer the NHL is looking for to deal with concussions.
-- Are players who can't score too honest? Their inability to put the puck in the net has nothing to do with having stone hands, it all comes down to the sticks they choose. They consistently pick ones where the angle of the blade makes it difficult to get off a good shot.
In other words, they cannot tell a lie.
-- Is the reason Geoff Molson's Montreal Canadiens do well selecting young players because they're served up in a draft and it involves several rounds?
-- Do you think the NHL would take action if the same level of quality control used in the manufacture of sticks found its way into the making of other hockey gear? Skate blades that suddenly snapped, laces that came undone, helmets that fell apart, rule books that shrunk ...
(Dec. 8, 2015)
-- When players like Semin are no longer wanted, do teams send a Wore Out Your Welcome Wagon lady to bid them farewell?
-- How good is this idea: Put a layer of bubble wrap inside player's helmets? It would provide a certain level of protection and when that safeguard was breached by a blow to the noggin you could count the bubbles that were popped to determine right away how much harm was done.
“How bad was that hit to Kinowski's head?”
“75 bubbles.”
“Send him to the quiet room pronto!”
Bubbleheads® could be the answer the NHL is looking for to deal with concussions.
-- Are players who can't score too honest? Their inability to put the puck in the net has nothing to do with having stone hands, it all comes down to the sticks they choose. They consistently pick ones where the angle of the blade makes it difficult to get off a good shot.
In other words, they cannot tell a lie.
-- Is the reason Geoff Molson's Montreal Canadiens do well selecting young players because they're served up in a draft and it involves several rounds?
-- Do you think the NHL would take action if the same level of quality control used in the manufacture of sticks found its way into the making of other hockey gear? Skate blades that suddenly snapped, laces that came undone, helmets that fell apart, rule books that shrunk ...
Tinordi 'collecting dust' and other explanations
(Nov. 21,2015)
Teams should stop referring to players who aren't injured but not playing as “healthy scratches.” It's a demeaning term that hints at their being one-step removed from being thought of as malingerers, that they're guys who beg off seeing action by complaining of hangnails or dryness of mouth. Or a teeny-weeny, little scratch.
It gives rise to all sorts of mock headlines, like
Tinordi reaches Level 40 Colonel in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare in one week
Tinordi asks UN to intervene, citing 'cruel and unusual non-deployment'
Tinordi says he won't participate in players' Christmas gift exchange
Told he's going to dress, Tinordi breaks leg jumping for joy
But truth be told, the fellow needs our sympathy, not derision.
That's why it's so important that teams come up with a new way of describing these players' status that doesn't impugn their character or weaken their self-esteem.
Here are a few alternatives clubs could employ in announcing Player A won't be dressing for the next game.
He's:
-- a reservist
-- in transition
-- de-activated
-- being given time to contemplate
-- a designated observer
-- demobilized (in the case of Tinordi, this might be received with skepticism; when was he ever known to be mobile?)
-- being kept in suspense
-- scheduled for future use
-- being assigned to the Phantom Zone (which suggests he will possess super powers when he eventually gets out)
-- 'collecting dust' (okay, this might be seen as damaging to a player's self-image but it conveys a unhappy truth in a jockular fashion that most athletes appreciate)
-- on leave to remain idle
-- 'being held for ransom' (although likely to be untrue in a majority of instances, this euphemistic way of explaining a player's absence from the lineup clearly puffs up his value to the team, that he is thought to be worth abducting for material gain. However, this explanation should be used sparingly, with a recommended limit of three times; more than that and the team will come across as being chintzy and coldhearted, and the player an asset of diminishing return)
(Nov. 21,2015)
Teams should stop referring to players who aren't injured but not playing as “healthy scratches.” It's a demeaning term that hints at their being one-step removed from being thought of as malingerers, that they're guys who beg off seeing action by complaining of hangnails or dryness of mouth. Or a teeny-weeny, little scratch.
It gives rise to all sorts of mock headlines, like
Tinordi reaches Level 40 Colonel in Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare in one week
Tinordi asks UN to intervene, citing 'cruel and unusual non-deployment'
Tinordi says he won't participate in players' Christmas gift exchange
Told he's going to dress, Tinordi breaks leg jumping for joy
But truth be told, the fellow needs our sympathy, not derision.
That's why it's so important that teams come up with a new way of describing these players' status that doesn't impugn their character or weaken their self-esteem.
Here are a few alternatives clubs could employ in announcing Player A won't be dressing for the next game.
He's:
-- a reservist
-- in transition
-- de-activated
-- being given time to contemplate
-- a designated observer
-- demobilized (in the case of Tinordi, this might be received with skepticism; when was he ever known to be mobile?)
-- being kept in suspense
-- scheduled for future use
-- being assigned to the Phantom Zone (which suggests he will possess super powers when he eventually gets out)
-- 'collecting dust' (okay, this might be seen as damaging to a player's self-image but it conveys a unhappy truth in a jockular fashion that most athletes appreciate)
-- on leave to remain idle
-- 'being held for ransom' (although likely to be untrue in a majority of instances, this euphemistic way of explaining a player's absence from the lineup clearly puffs up his value to the team, that he is thought to be worth abducting for material gain. However, this explanation should be used sparingly, with a recommended limit of three times; more than that and the team will come across as being chintzy and coldhearted, and the player an asset of diminishing return)
This Date in HIO History
(Nov. 19, 2015)
Nov. 19, 2007: 24 Cups wonders why Montreal didn't sign Ian Lapierrere as a free agent when it had the chance. “Colorado got him instead for a very reasonable salary. He’s a warrior, kills penalties, plays centre and wing, and is a consummate team player. I’d trade for him in a heartbeat (not that we would get him). Born and raised in Montreal to boot.”
Nov. 19, 2010: LA Loyalist wonders if coach Jacques Martin does “anything besides open the gate?”
And SeriousFan09 looks ahead to the Habs' next 13 games and sees “a lot of tough opponents/rivals” before the team hits the road. “I think Auld needs to play 3 of those games so Carey gets some rest, including playing him against at least 1 team that would normally prompt a start by Carey.”
Nov. 19, 2011: Hab-Q says Eller “was a a non-factor in 11 minutes” of play in a 4-0 win over the Rangers with HIO members in town for the Summit.
“He needs to go to Hamilton and play some serious minutes like 20-22 minutes a night to help him develop. Sure didn’t hurt MaxPac or DD last season.”
Nov. 19, 2012: Words are exchanged as twilighthours offers suggestions for coping with the lockout that has some folks “sincerely torn up” and Matty responds, “Don’t tell me what to do,” prompting Bripro, sensing a fight coming on, to ask if they need a mediator, which twilighthours ignores, explaining to Matty he's just trying to help – “Don't you want help?” -- which Matty apparently doesn't, at least from twilighthours, because, he explains, “You don’t know what I want. You don’t understand me. Nobody understands me.”
Nov. 19, 2013: Windsor Hab takes a shot at Therrien for shaking up lines at practice and during games. “How is a player supposed to develop any kind of chemistry with other players if he never knows who he’s playing with? Another example of the ineptitude that is Therrien. He couldn’t coach or win with the best player in the league(Crosby), how can he be expected to lead this team?”
Nov. 19, 2014: After watching the Canadiens lose 4-0 to Pittsburgh, Reefer64 says he's confused by this website. “When the Habs win, they’re the best team in the league. When they lose, they’re the worst. ... We have a lot to be thankful for considering what’s going on in Toronto right now. Let’s chill out on bashing our team.”
Nov. 19, 2016: Timo rips Bergevin for trading Desharnais, who's in the last year of a four-year contract, to the Edmonton Oilers for damaged goods Connor McDavid, under-achieving Nail Yakupov and two of their three first-round pics. Timo argues the Canadiens should have received more for the Conn Smythe winner who led the team to its 25th Stanley Cup four months earlier.
(Nov. 19, 2015)
Nov. 19, 2007: 24 Cups wonders why Montreal didn't sign Ian Lapierrere as a free agent when it had the chance. “Colorado got him instead for a very reasonable salary. He’s a warrior, kills penalties, plays centre and wing, and is a consummate team player. I’d trade for him in a heartbeat (not that we would get him). Born and raised in Montreal to boot.”
Nov. 19, 2010: LA Loyalist wonders if coach Jacques Martin does “anything besides open the gate?”
And SeriousFan09 looks ahead to the Habs' next 13 games and sees “a lot of tough opponents/rivals” before the team hits the road. “I think Auld needs to play 3 of those games so Carey gets some rest, including playing him against at least 1 team that would normally prompt a start by Carey.”
Nov. 19, 2011: Hab-Q says Eller “was a a non-factor in 11 minutes” of play in a 4-0 win over the Rangers with HIO members in town for the Summit.
“He needs to go to Hamilton and play some serious minutes like 20-22 minutes a night to help him develop. Sure didn’t hurt MaxPac or DD last season.”
Nov. 19, 2012: Words are exchanged as twilighthours offers suggestions for coping with the lockout that has some folks “sincerely torn up” and Matty responds, “Don’t tell me what to do,” prompting Bripro, sensing a fight coming on, to ask if they need a mediator, which twilighthours ignores, explaining to Matty he's just trying to help – “Don't you want help?” -- which Matty apparently doesn't, at least from twilighthours, because, he explains, “You don’t know what I want. You don’t understand me. Nobody understands me.”
Nov. 19, 2013: Windsor Hab takes a shot at Therrien for shaking up lines at practice and during games. “How is a player supposed to develop any kind of chemistry with other players if he never knows who he’s playing with? Another example of the ineptitude that is Therrien. He couldn’t coach or win with the best player in the league(Crosby), how can he be expected to lead this team?”
Nov. 19, 2014: After watching the Canadiens lose 4-0 to Pittsburgh, Reefer64 says he's confused by this website. “When the Habs win, they’re the best team in the league. When they lose, they’re the worst. ... We have a lot to be thankful for considering what’s going on in Toronto right now. Let’s chill out on bashing our team.”
Nov. 19, 2016: Timo rips Bergevin for trading Desharnais, who's in the last year of a four-year contract, to the Edmonton Oilers for damaged goods Connor McDavid, under-achieving Nail Yakupov and two of their three first-round pics. Timo argues the Canadiens should have received more for the Conn Smythe winner who led the team to its 25th Stanley Cup four months earlier.
So-and-so is a dirty so-and-so!
(Sept. 26, 2015)
Although the team's 0-3 record in the pre-season is a disappointment so far, the exhibition games have been valuable in providing the coaching staff with answers to many of their questions about players they weren't familiar with. Here are a few of the answers:
-- Has created numerous scoring chances, not often enough for his own team
-- Ordinarily his penchant for dropping the gloves would be considered an asset but as it occurs while he's resting his arms on the boards it's seen as a liability
-- Without question, the surprise of training camp when 'he' turned out to be a she
-- D-man has moved up the Depp chart with an approach to the game that resembles Whitey Bulger staking out territory
-- Has exceeded expectations to the point now where he's closing in on mediocre
-- Chances of making the team dwindled when his prank phone call about a bomb in the dressing room failed to draw a chuckle from the GM
-- Fearless in the corners, clueless in the open
-- Play is drawing comparisons to Guy Lafleur – at age 60
-- If he isn't signed by the Canadiens, it won't be because he's a gay jihadist who was duped into buying a Volkswagen, it will because he can't skate backwards
-- Came into camp as an unknown, will leave it as an unwanted
-- His glacial speed, cold hands and wide expanse makes him a shoo-in to become an IceCap
-- Has an uncanny ability to bank passes of the boards, glass and teammates' skates
-- Two-way player; unfortunately it's East-West
-- Has impressed with his lightning speed, fierce grit, tenacious backchecking, overpowering shot and outstanding playmaking but at 4'10” is unlikely to stick with the big club
-- Destined to become a star in the league; shame about his looks
-- Bit of an enigma: Is he a workhorse or a dumbass?
(Sept. 26, 2015)
Although the team's 0-3 record in the pre-season is a disappointment so far, the exhibition games have been valuable in providing the coaching staff with answers to many of their questions about players they weren't familiar with. Here are a few of the answers:
-- Has created numerous scoring chances, not often enough for his own team
-- Ordinarily his penchant for dropping the gloves would be considered an asset but as it occurs while he's resting his arms on the boards it's seen as a liability
-- Without question, the surprise of training camp when 'he' turned out to be a she
-- D-man has moved up the Depp chart with an approach to the game that resembles Whitey Bulger staking out territory
-- Has exceeded expectations to the point now where he's closing in on mediocre
-- Chances of making the team dwindled when his prank phone call about a bomb in the dressing room failed to draw a chuckle from the GM
-- Fearless in the corners, clueless in the open
-- Play is drawing comparisons to Guy Lafleur – at age 60
-- If he isn't signed by the Canadiens, it won't be because he's a gay jihadist who was duped into buying a Volkswagen, it will because he can't skate backwards
-- Came into camp as an unknown, will leave it as an unwanted
-- His glacial speed, cold hands and wide expanse makes him a shoo-in to become an IceCap
-- Has an uncanny ability to bank passes of the boards, glass and teammates' skates
-- Two-way player; unfortunately it's East-West
-- Has impressed with his lightning speed, fierce grit, tenacious backchecking, overpowering shot and outstanding playmaking but at 4'10” is unlikely to stick with the big club
-- Destined to become a star in the league; shame about his looks
-- Bit of an enigma: Is he a workhorse or a dumbass?
Captain Max, he's our man
(Sept. 19, 2015)
Although he seldom shows emotions, the notoriously tight-lipped Markov apparently wasn’t happy over not being chosen captain. Rumour is, he had a restless night; all he did was taciturn.
By the by, we can’t be referring to Max as Patches any more. Too boyish, not in keeping with his new station in life and the added responsibilities he’s been given as captain.
But Patch, now that commands respect, and clearly denotes the C he’ll wear on his sweater.
Also, it makes for useful comparisons: Ranger players might think they’re good but they’re not a Patch on the Canadiens.
(Sept. 19, 2015)
Although he seldom shows emotions, the notoriously tight-lipped Markov apparently wasn’t happy over not being chosen captain. Rumour is, he had a restless night; all he did was taciturn.
By the by, we can’t be referring to Max as Patches any more. Too boyish, not in keeping with his new station in life and the added responsibilities he’s been given as captain.
But Patch, now that commands respect, and clearly denotes the C he’ll wear on his sweater.
Also, it makes for useful comparisons: Ranger players might think they’re good but they’re not a Patch on the Canadiens.
Whaddya mean, I'm a jink with gleet?
(Sept. 9, 2015)
As we wait for the hockey off-season to complete its infernal run, why not gather on the patio with friends and family for an evening of games, cold drink in hand and a gentle breeze ruffling your hairpiece. Games like fictionary. You know, fictionary, the game where you have to choose the correct definition. The winner, of course, is the one who gets the most right answers (generously supplied by the good folks at www.merriam-webster.com).
pediculous
1. similar to the rhythmic breathing of a hibernating mole
2. infested with lice
3. dancing feet that invite caustic comment
4. unusually, that part of a hockey stick, the top of the blade, where tape has become worn
jink
1. a victim of bad luck
2. the sound that coins spilling from a pocket make landing on asphalt
3. to move quickly or unexpectedly with sudden turns and shifts (as in dodging)
3. a series of dekes so well-executed they leave a trail of jockstraps
parr
1. a young salmon actively feeding in freshwater
2. a talk show host with foibles
3. unruly scalp
4. to juggle lines after 10 minutes of play
gleet
1. toe jam that has developed a crust
2. a chronic inflammation (as gonorrhea) of a bodily orifice usually accompanied by an abnormal discharge; also : the discharge itself
3. a software glitch engineered to bring a rival co-worker into disrepute in order to advance one’s own career
4. to slide the puck toward an open net from your end, only to miss, resulting in an icing call that leads to the tying goal being scored and an eventual loss in overtime, drawing the ire of your coach who summons you to his office the next morning to tell you to pack your things because you’re being sent to the farm (no, not the farm team, the farm, because you clearly don’t have a future in hockey)
numinous
1. scabrous
2. azygous
3. pucktilious
4. having a mysterious, holy, or spiritual quality
hieratic
1. highly stylized or formal
2. lowly stylized or informal
3. the
4. a kind of power play that lacks form or direction; habhazard
tonsure
1. masses of lymphoid tissue that aren’t lacking in confidence
2. intricately designed to convey a sense of purpose
3. a round, shaved area on the top of a priest’s or monk’s head
4. the stray thoughts of players as they stand around the coach in practice being taught ‘the system’
ergot
1. the dried sclerotia of an ergot fungus grown on rye and containing several alkaloids
2. the maladorous collection of mismatched socks left to multiply in the darkened corner of a forgotten room
3. a fully grown ergo
4. answers given by a coach not using his first language
haw
1. to cast aspersions using ridicule as bait
2. to turn to the near or left side
3. male laughter
4. to flip the puck into the air only to have it go over the glass into a penalty
(Sept. 9, 2015)
As we wait for the hockey off-season to complete its infernal run, why not gather on the patio with friends and family for an evening of games, cold drink in hand and a gentle breeze ruffling your hairpiece. Games like fictionary. You know, fictionary, the game where you have to choose the correct definition. The winner, of course, is the one who gets the most right answers (generously supplied by the good folks at www.merriam-webster.com).
pediculous
1. similar to the rhythmic breathing of a hibernating mole
2. infested with lice
3. dancing feet that invite caustic comment
4. unusually, that part of a hockey stick, the top of the blade, where tape has become worn
jink
1. a victim of bad luck
2. the sound that coins spilling from a pocket make landing on asphalt
3. to move quickly or unexpectedly with sudden turns and shifts (as in dodging)
3. a series of dekes so well-executed they leave a trail of jockstraps
parr
1. a young salmon actively feeding in freshwater
2. a talk show host with foibles
3. unruly scalp
4. to juggle lines after 10 minutes of play
gleet
1. toe jam that has developed a crust
2. a chronic inflammation (as gonorrhea) of a bodily orifice usually accompanied by an abnormal discharge; also : the discharge itself
3. a software glitch engineered to bring a rival co-worker into disrepute in order to advance one’s own career
4. to slide the puck toward an open net from your end, only to miss, resulting in an icing call that leads to the tying goal being scored and an eventual loss in overtime, drawing the ire of your coach who summons you to his office the next morning to tell you to pack your things because you’re being sent to the farm (no, not the farm team, the farm, because you clearly don’t have a future in hockey)
numinous
1. scabrous
2. azygous
3. pucktilious
4. having a mysterious, holy, or spiritual quality
hieratic
1. highly stylized or formal
2. lowly stylized or informal
3. the
4. a kind of power play that lacks form or direction; habhazard
tonsure
1. masses of lymphoid tissue that aren’t lacking in confidence
2. intricately designed to convey a sense of purpose
3. a round, shaved area on the top of a priest’s or monk’s head
4. the stray thoughts of players as they stand around the coach in practice being taught ‘the system’
ergot
1. the dried sclerotia of an ergot fungus grown on rye and containing several alkaloids
2. the maladorous collection of mismatched socks left to multiply in the darkened corner of a forgotten room
3. a fully grown ergo
4. answers given by a coach not using his first language
haw
1. to cast aspersions using ridicule as bait
2. to turn to the near or left side
3. male laughter
4. to flip the puck into the air only to have it go over the glass into a penalty
Ten questions in search of an answer
(Aug. 28, 2015)
What do hockey fans do when there is no hockey? The same thing they do when there is hockey: Ask questions.
Here are a few pundits find perplexing:
1. Is there life after sudden-death?
2. Do referees have souls?
3. Does a time-out stop the aging process?
4. Is there a supreme being – and who provided references?
5. Why can't a player earn an assist on his own goal? (Example: Player A rushes from one end to the other, eludes three players, outmuscles a fourth, passes the puck to Player B, who passes it right back to Player A, who scores on a tip-in.)
6. Which came first, crossing the road, the chicken or the egg?
7. Should a puck receive a reprimand when it crosses the line?
8. If light travels at 186,000 miles per second, why is it still around after you turn on the switch? (And how much did that stop watch cost?)
9. Why is it called an odd-man rush when Lucic carries the puck out of his own end? Ohhhhh. Never mind
10. If a mime falls in a forest does he make a sound?
(Aug. 28, 2015)
What do hockey fans do when there is no hockey? The same thing they do when there is hockey: Ask questions.
Here are a few pundits find perplexing:
1. Is there life after sudden-death?
2. Do referees have souls?
3. Does a time-out stop the aging process?
4. Is there a supreme being – and who provided references?
5. Why can't a player earn an assist on his own goal? (Example: Player A rushes from one end to the other, eludes three players, outmuscles a fourth, passes the puck to Player B, who passes it right back to Player A, who scores on a tip-in.)
6. Which came first, crossing the road, the chicken or the egg?
7. Should a puck receive a reprimand when it crosses the line?
8. If light travels at 186,000 miles per second, why is it still around after you turn on the switch? (And how much did that stop watch cost?)
9. Why is it called an odd-man rush when Lucic carries the puck out of his own end? Ohhhhh. Never mind
10. If a mime falls in a forest does he make a sound?
IceCaps? Put a lid on it!
(July 18, 2015)
This has been bugging me for the last, what, seven minutes, so I thought I'd get it off my chest before it starts weighing on my mind: What kind of name is IceCaps for a hockey team?
Yeah, I get the ice part and because it has to do with hockey, I know where the cap is coming from, too, but to put the two together to make IceCaps?
Unh-uh.
Here's what Wikipedia has to say about ice caps (Wikipedia is like that annoying co-worker who has something to say about EVERYTHING but bear with me):
“An ice cap is an ice mass that covers less than 50,000 square kilometres of land area (usually covering a highland area).”
So that's what the Canadiens want their fans to think of when they think at all about their farm team at St. John's? A mass of ice?
Not an Avalanche roaring down the side of a mountain, destroying everything in its path? No, an ice mass. Just sitting there. Melting. Moving slower than even a Hal Gill.
Geez, it's too bad Tinordi won't get to play for the team. He coulda fit right in, if what I've been reading is spot on.
But imagine how his ex-teammates must feel, going from being a Bulldog to being a big chunk of ice that sits on its mass. That's gotta hurt.
And what kind of headlines can they expect, win or lose?
IceCaps ice win.
IceCaps iced.
Yawwwwwwwwwwn.
Why couldn't it have been IceBerg? That's a bad-ass mass that gets around. People try to stay out of its way, and when they don't, well, you got yourself a blockbuster movie.
Or Floe, what about floe, the St. John's Floe? Great slogan to build fan excitement: Go with the Floe!
No?
Slush?
Yeah, you're right.
Wait, I've got it: Bergy Bits – the smurfs of the Arctic. They look like they know how to swarm.
Uh-oh. They're also known as floaters. Forget it.
IceCaps it is, then.
I guess I can live with it.
It's the St. John's part that's giving me trouble now.
If I had my way they would be the Bacon Cove IceCaps.
Mmmmmmm. Bacon.
Or the Tickle Cove IceCaps.
That one makes me giggle.
(July 18, 2015)
This has been bugging me for the last, what, seven minutes, so I thought I'd get it off my chest before it starts weighing on my mind: What kind of name is IceCaps for a hockey team?
Yeah, I get the ice part and because it has to do with hockey, I know where the cap is coming from, too, but to put the two together to make IceCaps?
Unh-uh.
Here's what Wikipedia has to say about ice caps (Wikipedia is like that annoying co-worker who has something to say about EVERYTHING but bear with me):
“An ice cap is an ice mass that covers less than 50,000 square kilometres of land area (usually covering a highland area).”
So that's what the Canadiens want their fans to think of when they think at all about their farm team at St. John's? A mass of ice?
Not an Avalanche roaring down the side of a mountain, destroying everything in its path? No, an ice mass. Just sitting there. Melting. Moving slower than even a Hal Gill.
Geez, it's too bad Tinordi won't get to play for the team. He coulda fit right in, if what I've been reading is spot on.
But imagine how his ex-teammates must feel, going from being a Bulldog to being a big chunk of ice that sits on its mass. That's gotta hurt.
And what kind of headlines can they expect, win or lose?
IceCaps ice win.
IceCaps iced.
Yawwwwwwwwwwn.
Why couldn't it have been IceBerg? That's a bad-ass mass that gets around. People try to stay out of its way, and when they don't, well, you got yourself a blockbuster movie.
Or Floe, what about floe, the St. John's Floe? Great slogan to build fan excitement: Go with the Floe!
No?
Slush?
Yeah, you're right.
Wait, I've got it: Bergy Bits – the smurfs of the Arctic. They look like they know how to swarm.
Uh-oh. They're also known as floaters. Forget it.
IceCaps it is, then.
I guess I can live with it.
It's the St. John's part that's giving me trouble now.
If I had my way they would be the Bacon Cove IceCaps.
Mmmmmmm. Bacon.
Or the Tickle Cove IceCaps.
That one makes me giggle.
From the vault: Double our pleasure, commish
(January 30, 2012)
I wonder how long it will take before the NHL gets back to me:
The league has proposed realignment, largely to cut down on the amount of travelling teams have to do. The players’ association has put the kibosh on that, for now. Fine. Here’s another way to achieve the same end: Have teams play doubleheaders. Ball players used to do it all the time and, as we know, hockey players are far superior athletes.
Tomorrow night, Montreal plays Buffalo. The teams will face each other six times this season. Have them play a doubleheader in one city, a doubleheader in the other, and a home-and-home series for the other two contests.
Yes, it might be somewhat taxing to play hockey twice in one day but, hey, I used to do it all the time when I was a kid. On bad ice. And I wasn’t even in shape. The pros would have played two, three games a day in tournaments moving up through the minor hockey ranks. When did they get soft?
Really, how much more strenuous would it be to play two games in one day, at 1 p.m. and 7 p.m.? Teams would be forced to play their fourth liners – who would start earning their money.
And players wouldn’t have to wait days or weeks to avenge a wrong committed in the first game. Retribution could be administered in mere hours but the two teams would likely focus on playing hockey in the second match, not having any energy to waste on the silly stuff.
Plan B would be to have the ‘double-header’ played over two days. This visiting team would remain in town and not have to travel. Meanwhile the buzz among fans and the sports media would build in the host city leading up to the rematch – just like the playoffs.
I also considered a schedule where, for example, the Florida Panthers would play the Vancouver Canucks in Chicago, to cut down on travel for both teams, and to entertain Hawk fans who have never had the opportunity to see in person these two fierce rivals go at it.
But then I thought, that would be just plain foolish.
(January 30, 2012)
I wonder how long it will take before the NHL gets back to me:
The league has proposed realignment, largely to cut down on the amount of travelling teams have to do. The players’ association has put the kibosh on that, for now. Fine. Here’s another way to achieve the same end: Have teams play doubleheaders. Ball players used to do it all the time and, as we know, hockey players are far superior athletes.
Tomorrow night, Montreal plays Buffalo. The teams will face each other six times this season. Have them play a doubleheader in one city, a doubleheader in the other, and a home-and-home series for the other two contests.
Yes, it might be somewhat taxing to play hockey twice in one day but, hey, I used to do it all the time when I was a kid. On bad ice. And I wasn’t even in shape. The pros would have played two, three games a day in tournaments moving up through the minor hockey ranks. When did they get soft?
Really, how much more strenuous would it be to play two games in one day, at 1 p.m. and 7 p.m.? Teams would be forced to play their fourth liners – who would start earning their money.
And players wouldn’t have to wait days or weeks to avenge a wrong committed in the first game. Retribution could be administered in mere hours but the two teams would likely focus on playing hockey in the second match, not having any energy to waste on the silly stuff.
Plan B would be to have the ‘double-header’ played over two days. This visiting team would remain in town and not have to travel. Meanwhile the buzz among fans and the sports media would build in the host city leading up to the rematch – just like the playoffs.
I also considered a schedule where, for example, the Florida Panthers would play the Vancouver Canucks in Chicago, to cut down on travel for both teams, and to entertain Hawk fans who have never had the opportunity to see in person these two fierce rivals go at it.
But then I thought, that would be just plain foolish.
JB's exclusive scouting report!
(June 8, 2015)
Here are five players MB might want to consider – briefly – drafting in the late rounds:
Rance Gingold, D – Considered the ugliest player ever to suit up in junior hockey, Gingold often gets sympathy non-calls by the refs, who figure he's already been punished enough by nature, so why add to his woes with penalties. That explains his low PIM totals despite having sent countless rivals to the infirmary with illegal checks.
He's the only player in the league required to wear a full visor that's tinted, and to leave it on during the national anthem.
Gingold has a surprisingly hard shot for an ugly person.
Dom Puissant, C – The most gifted stickhandler in this year's draft, Puissant has been known to kill off two-minute penalties in his own end. Experts estimate the six-foot-seven, 190-lb forward, has covered twice as much ice as any other player on the planet in the last two years (or Hal Gill in his career).
Puissant is expected to go in the fifth round; pundits say he would be a first rounder if only he'd pass now and then. Just once, God%$^##&!
Titus Hopkins-Jones-Mannikin, F – Voted Mr. Congeniality by his team, the affable winger exercised a calming influence on the more excitable members of the Ajax Ax Slayers, especially during the infamous pre-game brawl with the Whitby Bissells. His kindly interventions with several combatants are said to have kept the death toll under seven.
Casualness extends to all facets of Jones-Mannikin-Hopkins' game: skating, checking, passing, practising, showering.
Of special note, Mannikin-Hopkins-Jones has been named captain wherever he has played, usually within 10 minutes of joining the team.
Vladimir Voyostovsky, F – Frankly, Voyostovsky, a great skater with a terrific shot, has never lived up to the promise he showed playing tyke but an occasional flash of brilliance causes GMs to salivate over what he could bring to a team. Hockey observers say it's been his misfortune never to have been paired with a coach interested in tapping his potential, rather than trying to mould it into a system.
Despite possessing an extraordinary hockey IQ, Voyostovsky has failed miserably trying to learn to play the role of a fourth-line checking winger, fueling rumours he's a coach killer.
Mario Lemieux, C – It was a bad decision by the parents of the five-foot-seven centre to name their son after an NHL superstar, as he has had to endure ridicule and torment throughout his playing days by disappointed family members.
However, to his credit Lemieux didn't crack under the pressure of trying -- and failing -- to meet other people's expectations but instead developed into a well-respected character player, an athlete who can handle adversity, the puck not so much.
(June 8, 2015)
Here are five players MB might want to consider – briefly – drafting in the late rounds:
Rance Gingold, D – Considered the ugliest player ever to suit up in junior hockey, Gingold often gets sympathy non-calls by the refs, who figure he's already been punished enough by nature, so why add to his woes with penalties. That explains his low PIM totals despite having sent countless rivals to the infirmary with illegal checks.
He's the only player in the league required to wear a full visor that's tinted, and to leave it on during the national anthem.
Gingold has a surprisingly hard shot for an ugly person.
Dom Puissant, C – The most gifted stickhandler in this year's draft, Puissant has been known to kill off two-minute penalties in his own end. Experts estimate the six-foot-seven, 190-lb forward, has covered twice as much ice as any other player on the planet in the last two years (or Hal Gill in his career).
Puissant is expected to go in the fifth round; pundits say he would be a first rounder if only he'd pass now and then. Just once, God%$^##&!
Titus Hopkins-Jones-Mannikin, F – Voted Mr. Congeniality by his team, the affable winger exercised a calming influence on the more excitable members of the Ajax Ax Slayers, especially during the infamous pre-game brawl with the Whitby Bissells. His kindly interventions with several combatants are said to have kept the death toll under seven.
Casualness extends to all facets of Jones-Mannikin-Hopkins' game: skating, checking, passing, practising, showering.
Of special note, Mannikin-Hopkins-Jones has been named captain wherever he has played, usually within 10 minutes of joining the team.
Vladimir Voyostovsky, F – Frankly, Voyostovsky, a great skater with a terrific shot, has never lived up to the promise he showed playing tyke but an occasional flash of brilliance causes GMs to salivate over what he could bring to a team. Hockey observers say it's been his misfortune never to have been paired with a coach interested in tapping his potential, rather than trying to mould it into a system.
Despite possessing an extraordinary hockey IQ, Voyostovsky has failed miserably trying to learn to play the role of a fourth-line checking winger, fueling rumours he's a coach killer.
Mario Lemieux, C – It was a bad decision by the parents of the five-foot-seven centre to name their son after an NHL superstar, as he has had to endure ridicule and torment throughout his playing days by disappointed family members.
However, to his credit Lemieux didn't crack under the pressure of trying -- and failing -- to meet other people's expectations but instead developed into a well-respected character player, an athlete who can handle adversity, the puck not so much.
There's no need to panic ... right? RIGHT?
(April 25, 2015)
Confucius says: When you use a pebble on the first wave of a power play, it turns into a ripple.
Looking at Ottawa’s vigorous use of the martial arts, especially on defence, I get the sense the Sens have become the Habs sensei.
Did Moses’ gang panic when they were forced to wander in the wilderness for 40 years? NO! They found the Promised Land!
Did the Brits panic when the Luftwaffe started blitzing London? NO! They used blood, sweat and tears to defeat the Nazis!
Did the Americans panic when the Russians sent Sputnik 1 into orbit around the earth? NO! They ramped up their space program and landed a man on the moon!
Did the Canadiens panic when they lost two in a row to the Senators after winning the first three? NO! … their fans did!
(I can hardly wait to see how this story plays out. Hope it has a happy ending. Not the one where the Habs get bombed well short of the Promised Land, sending Sens fans over the moon.)
(April 25, 2015)
Confucius says: When you use a pebble on the first wave of a power play, it turns into a ripple.
Looking at Ottawa’s vigorous use of the martial arts, especially on defence, I get the sense the Sens have become the Habs sensei.
Did Moses’ gang panic when they were forced to wander in the wilderness for 40 years? NO! They found the Promised Land!
Did the Brits panic when the Luftwaffe started blitzing London? NO! They used blood, sweat and tears to defeat the Nazis!
Did the Americans panic when the Russians sent Sputnik 1 into orbit around the earth? NO! They ramped up their space program and landed a man on the moon!
Did the Canadiens panic when they lost two in a row to the Senators after winning the first three? NO! … their fans did!
(I can hardly wait to see how this story plays out. Hope it has a happy ending. Not the one where the Habs get bombed well short of the Promised Land, sending Sens fans over the moon.)
Devante Smith-Pelly - as seen on the telly
(Feb. 28, 2015)
Devante Smith-Pelly could be seen on the telly
Chomping down on his mouthguard with great relish
Devante Smith-Pelly, did it taste like green jelly?
To this viewer, it looked rather hellish.
Watching Smith-Pelly on the bench made me wonder: Do they make flavoured mouthguards? Because if they don’t they should.
Remember those candy wax containers from your youth – o, those many decades ago, my fellow codgers – where you would bite off the top and suck out the flavoured drink, and chew what was left because even though it lacked taste you had to get your pennies’ worth?
Maybe they should do that with mouthguards. All you do is bite into them to release the sugary contents. Make them disposable, or refillable, whichever works best.
Or you could drench them with mouthwash, so sweaty athletes could at least have a breath that’s stays ever fresh.
Or infuse them with a substance of a, of a … stimulative nature, yeah, that’s it, a stimulative nature, to ensure top performances game in and game out.
If this stuff’s not being done, I’m declaring this post a patent intending.
(Feb. 28, 2015)
Devante Smith-Pelly could be seen on the telly
Chomping down on his mouthguard with great relish
Devante Smith-Pelly, did it taste like green jelly?
To this viewer, it looked rather hellish.
Watching Smith-Pelly on the bench made me wonder: Do they make flavoured mouthguards? Because if they don’t they should.
Remember those candy wax containers from your youth – o, those many decades ago, my fellow codgers – where you would bite off the top and suck out the flavoured drink, and chew what was left because even though it lacked taste you had to get your pennies’ worth?
Maybe they should do that with mouthguards. All you do is bite into them to release the sugary contents. Make them disposable, or refillable, whichever works best.
Or you could drench them with mouthwash, so sweaty athletes could at least have a breath that’s stays ever fresh.
Or infuse them with a substance of a, of a … stimulative nature, yeah, that’s it, a stimulative nature, to ensure top performances game in and game out.
If this stuff’s not being done, I’m declaring this post a patent intending.
'But, fadder, I don't wanna give up a shutout!'
(March 11, 2015)
There’s a scene toward the end of Angels With Dirty Faces – now that’s a classic! — where Pat O’Brien, the priest, asks James Cagney, the hoodlum who’s heading to the electric chair, to go out like a coward, screaming he doesn’t want to die and breaking down like a baby, so the teens he befriended and who look up to him will believe he turned yellow and be persuaded to leave their life of crime.
My point – and must every post have a point? — is this: Rocky Sullivan, the James Cagney character, was asked to do something that went against his principles, that would force him to abandon the only thing he could look upon with pride and be respected for, that he was a tough guy without fear who didn’t back down.
But he did what he asked to do by his boyhood chum because it was the right thing to do.
Carey Price faces the same quandary Rocky Sullivan did. No, not the part about the electric chair, the part about going against character because it is the right thing to do. [insert echo chamber effect, please, and deepen your voice].
How so? Simple. The Habs – forwards and defencemen – have got too comfortable counting on Price to bail them out, and hold the competition off the score sheet. Offence isn’t such a big deal when their goaltender sets the bar so low for winning games, one, two goals at most.
That’s got to change. ASAP. The playoffs are around the corner.
“So, Carey, here’s what I want you to do, I want you to give up some goals. (I’m playing the part of the priest, Therrien, now and Carey is Rocky, got it?).
Yeah, that’s right, Carey, lots and lots of goals over the next 10 games. Bad goals, weak goals, goals from outside the blue line, goals from behind the net.
Don’t look at me that way. It’s for the good of the team. When the players realize that maybe, just maybe, it might be a good idea to score some goals, five, six, seven, if necessary, because you can’t stop a beach ball, then we’ll finally get an offence.
Hey, what’s with the crying. You’re not going to the electric chair. ”
It won’t be easy asking Price to make such a sacrifice – losing the Vezina and Hart trophies – but if he wins the Cup, it will all be worth it.
And if the team doesn’t win the Cup … Therrien might want to lie low for a while.
(March 11, 2015)
There’s a scene toward the end of Angels With Dirty Faces – now that’s a classic! — where Pat O’Brien, the priest, asks James Cagney, the hoodlum who’s heading to the electric chair, to go out like a coward, screaming he doesn’t want to die and breaking down like a baby, so the teens he befriended and who look up to him will believe he turned yellow and be persuaded to leave their life of crime.
My point – and must every post have a point? — is this: Rocky Sullivan, the James Cagney character, was asked to do something that went against his principles, that would force him to abandon the only thing he could look upon with pride and be respected for, that he was a tough guy without fear who didn’t back down.
But he did what he asked to do by his boyhood chum because it was the right thing to do.
Carey Price faces the same quandary Rocky Sullivan did. No, not the part about the electric chair, the part about going against character because it is the right thing to do. [insert echo chamber effect, please, and deepen your voice].
How so? Simple. The Habs – forwards and defencemen – have got too comfortable counting on Price to bail them out, and hold the competition off the score sheet. Offence isn’t such a big deal when their goaltender sets the bar so low for winning games, one, two goals at most.
That’s got to change. ASAP. The playoffs are around the corner.
“So, Carey, here’s what I want you to do, I want you to give up some goals. (I’m playing the part of the priest, Therrien, now and Carey is Rocky, got it?).
Yeah, that’s right, Carey, lots and lots of goals over the next 10 games. Bad goals, weak goals, goals from outside the blue line, goals from behind the net.
Don’t look at me that way. It’s for the good of the team. When the players realize that maybe, just maybe, it might be a good idea to score some goals, five, six, seven, if necessary, because you can’t stop a beach ball, then we’ll finally get an offence.
Hey, what’s with the crying. You’re not going to the electric chair. ”
It won’t be easy asking Price to make such a sacrifice – losing the Vezina and Hart trophies – but if he wins the Cup, it will all be worth it.
And if the team doesn’t win the Cup … Therrien might want to lie low for a while.
'Offence, kid, offence, offence, offence'
(Feb. 26, 2015)
(Portions of the following have been translated from Frenglish)
“Hi, coach, you wanted to see me?”
“C'mon in, Devante. [The two shake hands]. Welcome to the team. Here, have a seat. Just wanted to have a short talk before tonight's game. How are you feeling?”
“Raring to go, coach. It was a real surprise, but a good one, to hear I got traded to the Montreal Canadiens. Can't wait to put on the sweater for my first match. Who am I playing with?”
“That's what I want to talk to you about, Dev. You don't mind me calling you Dev, do you, Dev?”
“Uh, no, no, that's fine.”
“Good. I was gonna call you Spelly, you know, Smith-Pelly, Spelly, but Dev's good, too. Anyways, before we get into the line stuff, I just wanna make clear what the team is expecting from you. How would you describe yourself as a player?”
“Good hitter. Finishes his checks. Punishes the other team. Causes havoc in front of the net. Opens up space for my teammates. Is defensively respons
“Defensively reponsible, no, no, no! [coach places hands on forehead, elbows on desk, shakes head back and forth]. We don't need another defensively responsible forward. I'm up the yin-yang with defensively responsible forwards. Give me a forward who can score!”
“You want me to score, not hit?”
“Both! I want you to hit the net and score! I'm tired of seeing all these shots miss the net! Every practice I tell the guys shoot the puck, shoot the puck, shoot the puck! Then I have to tell them, hit the net, hit the net, hit the net. You know what the problem is, they're too busy thinking about defence. Not letting their guy get behind them. Not giving up a goal. Keeping the other team off the score sheet. Just once I'd like to see them go all-out on the attack, guns a-blazing. It's what we work on in practice. But come game time, what do they do? It's defence, defence, defence.
I keep telling the guys, you got Carey Price back there, why are you worried about getting caught up ice? After he makes the save, he'll whip the puck back to you outside our blue line, so be ready.
“I'll be honest with you, that's why we got rid of Jiri and traded for you, someone not afraid to go on the offence, who led his team in goals in the American League and got five goals in 12 games in the NHL when it counted most, in the playoffs.”
“But I've only got five goals in 54 games this year, coach.”
“Yeah, because the coach didn't use you right. It happens all the time in this league, but you won't have that problem here. You're a natural goal-scorer, Dev, I can see that, and I love players who can put the puck in the net. Ask the boys, they'll tell you. 'Mish – they call me Mish – he's always going on about offence. If you're smart, if you're like Patches – that's Pacioretty – you'll listen.' So that's all I want from you, Dev, think offence first. The defence will look after itself. Meaning Carey, of course.”
“Okay, coach. But just to be clear. Do you still want me to rub out guys, stir up things, get them looking over their shoulder?”
“The only time I want them looking over their shoulder is to see the puck in the net, got it?”
“Got it. So who will I be playing with?”
“Christian Thomas – the kid can fly – and Lars Eller. And, Dev, [continues in a low, conspiratorial voice] whenever you get a chance can you compliment Lars on a nice pass, or nifty deke, or excellent shot? I tell him that all the time but I don't think it means much any more coming from his coach, but it would a lot if he heard it from his peers. Especially from the new guy. He's a Dane, right, melancholy as all get out, so you really need to keep his spirits up. Just pat him on the back now and then, maybe even give him a hug – on the bench, of course. The playoffs are coming up and we need Lars playing his best.”
“Okay, coach, whatever it takes to win I'll do it.” [Gets up to leave]
“Good to know. One more thing, Dev. Here, take this with you [hands him a package that includes a booklet, DVD, posters, fridge magnets, wrist band, ball cap, T-shirt, 12-page diet, autographed photo, and more]. My Personal Development Program. Enjoy.
And let me know when you run out of the energy bars.”
(Feb. 26, 2015)
(Portions of the following have been translated from Frenglish)
“Hi, coach, you wanted to see me?”
“C'mon in, Devante. [The two shake hands]. Welcome to the team. Here, have a seat. Just wanted to have a short talk before tonight's game. How are you feeling?”
“Raring to go, coach. It was a real surprise, but a good one, to hear I got traded to the Montreal Canadiens. Can't wait to put on the sweater for my first match. Who am I playing with?”
“That's what I want to talk to you about, Dev. You don't mind me calling you Dev, do you, Dev?”
“Uh, no, no, that's fine.”
“Good. I was gonna call you Spelly, you know, Smith-Pelly, Spelly, but Dev's good, too. Anyways, before we get into the line stuff, I just wanna make clear what the team is expecting from you. How would you describe yourself as a player?”
“Good hitter. Finishes his checks. Punishes the other team. Causes havoc in front of the net. Opens up space for my teammates. Is defensively respons
“Defensively reponsible, no, no, no! [coach places hands on forehead, elbows on desk, shakes head back and forth]. We don't need another defensively responsible forward. I'm up the yin-yang with defensively responsible forwards. Give me a forward who can score!”
“You want me to score, not hit?”
“Both! I want you to hit the net and score! I'm tired of seeing all these shots miss the net! Every practice I tell the guys shoot the puck, shoot the puck, shoot the puck! Then I have to tell them, hit the net, hit the net, hit the net. You know what the problem is, they're too busy thinking about defence. Not letting their guy get behind them. Not giving up a goal. Keeping the other team off the score sheet. Just once I'd like to see them go all-out on the attack, guns a-blazing. It's what we work on in practice. But come game time, what do they do? It's defence, defence, defence.
I keep telling the guys, you got Carey Price back there, why are you worried about getting caught up ice? After he makes the save, he'll whip the puck back to you outside our blue line, so be ready.
“I'll be honest with you, that's why we got rid of Jiri and traded for you, someone not afraid to go on the offence, who led his team in goals in the American League and got five goals in 12 games in the NHL when it counted most, in the playoffs.”
“But I've only got five goals in 54 games this year, coach.”
“Yeah, because the coach didn't use you right. It happens all the time in this league, but you won't have that problem here. You're a natural goal-scorer, Dev, I can see that, and I love players who can put the puck in the net. Ask the boys, they'll tell you. 'Mish – they call me Mish – he's always going on about offence. If you're smart, if you're like Patches – that's Pacioretty – you'll listen.' So that's all I want from you, Dev, think offence first. The defence will look after itself. Meaning Carey, of course.”
“Okay, coach. But just to be clear. Do you still want me to rub out guys, stir up things, get them looking over their shoulder?”
“The only time I want them looking over their shoulder is to see the puck in the net, got it?”
“Got it. So who will I be playing with?”
“Christian Thomas – the kid can fly – and Lars Eller. And, Dev, [continues in a low, conspiratorial voice] whenever you get a chance can you compliment Lars on a nice pass, or nifty deke, or excellent shot? I tell him that all the time but I don't think it means much any more coming from his coach, but it would a lot if he heard it from his peers. Especially from the new guy. He's a Dane, right, melancholy as all get out, so you really need to keep his spirits up. Just pat him on the back now and then, maybe even give him a hug – on the bench, of course. The playoffs are coming up and we need Lars playing his best.”
“Okay, coach, whatever it takes to win I'll do it.” [Gets up to leave]
“Good to know. One more thing, Dev. Here, take this with you [hands him a package that includes a booklet, DVD, posters, fridge magnets, wrist band, ball cap, T-shirt, 12-page diet, autographed photo, and more]. My Personal Development Program. Enjoy.
And let me know when you run out of the energy bars.”
Leafs not in the race for McDavid -- honest!
(February 11, 2015)
Toronto – Winners of but one game in their last 13 and in danger of missing the playoffs, the Toronto Maple Leafs insist they are not looking to win the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.
To prove it, team president Brendan Shanahan announced a half-dozen players have agreed to radical treatment that will “make them better athletes without the use of banned substances.”
Shanahan said some surgery is involved to “expedite the transformation,” and the recovery period will require the players “to miss a few games, but they've been missing in action for the past month, so what's another two weeks?”
The Leafs president left it to the lead doctor on the medical team to explain what players who are “transjennered” means.
“The treatment takes its name from Bruce Jenner who, for those who don't know, won decathalon gold at the 1976 Olympics,” Dr. Richard S. Renay told reporters. “And for those who don't know what the decathlon is, it's 10 sports – running 100, 400 and 1,500 metres, hurdles, long jump, high jump, javelin, shot put, discus, and pole vault – held over two days. That's right, two days. Makes back-to-back games look like a piece of cake, doesn't it?”
Renay said the impact on a team's fortunes would be "immense" if six starters could be turned into athletes of Jenner's caliber.
“Their strength, their speed, their stamina would be incredible, and as a group, unstoppable,” he said.
Renay insisted transjennering is “very doable,” thanks to the “tremendous resources” the Maple Leafs have poured into scientific research since the National Hockey League put a salary cap in place, leaving the team with “tons of cash” to spend in other areas.
“We were going to wait another 18 months to make a run for the Stanley Cup on the 50th anniversary of the last time the Leafs won it, but recent circumstances have forced our hand,” Renay said. “Rogers TV said if the team didn't start winning, it was going to pull Leaf games from national coverage and make the Montreal Canadiens the go-to team. We didn't want to be responsible for Don Cherry having a heart attack.”
Shanahan said that was “just one factor” in moving up the team's plans to change the team's “identity,” which went from being truculent “to indolent.”
Fans tossing Leaf sweaters on the ice, people “saying nasty stuff on social media,” players wearing paper bags over their helmets -- “it became clear we needed to tweak our timetable,” he said.
Renay didn't want to get into the specifics of the treatment, because the team wished to preserve its competitive edge and several patents are pending, but he said the NHL's Department of Player Safety is “on board” with the Leafs' plans.
“To be frank, we don't think the [degenerates] have a hope in hell of pulling it off, but we didn't want to be accused of [spoiling] their cornflakes by saying no,” department spokesman Chris Pronger said in a telephone interview. “I mean, what the [oh mercy] are Wheatie injections anyways? I got to say, though, the schematics for the other stuff look [really] cool.”
Shanahan declined to reveal at this time the names of the six players who were “encouraged” to participate in the project out of respect for their privacy.
He boasted the “individual enhancement regime” will be “10 times better” than the transformative personal development program Canadiens coach Michel Therrien has employed successfully with selected members of his team.
“All he's got is a Norris Trophy winner out of it. I see our players winning that, along with a Hart, Vezina and Rocket Richard,” Shanahan said, causing several reporters to cock an eyebrow.
He offered further proof the Leafs are not tanking to get a shot at landing this year's top draft pick by announcing David Clarkson will be back in the lineup Thursday night after being a healthy scratch the last two games.
“I see him making a difference down the stretch,” Shanahan said, provoking a flurry of elevated eyebrows.
(February 11, 2015)
Toronto – Winners of but one game in their last 13 and in danger of missing the playoffs, the Toronto Maple Leafs insist they are not looking to win the Connor McDavid sweepstakes.
To prove it, team president Brendan Shanahan announced a half-dozen players have agreed to radical treatment that will “make them better athletes without the use of banned substances.”
Shanahan said some surgery is involved to “expedite the transformation,” and the recovery period will require the players “to miss a few games, but they've been missing in action for the past month, so what's another two weeks?”
The Leafs president left it to the lead doctor on the medical team to explain what players who are “transjennered” means.
“The treatment takes its name from Bruce Jenner who, for those who don't know, won decathalon gold at the 1976 Olympics,” Dr. Richard S. Renay told reporters. “And for those who don't know what the decathlon is, it's 10 sports – running 100, 400 and 1,500 metres, hurdles, long jump, high jump, javelin, shot put, discus, and pole vault – held over two days. That's right, two days. Makes back-to-back games look like a piece of cake, doesn't it?”
Renay said the impact on a team's fortunes would be "immense" if six starters could be turned into athletes of Jenner's caliber.
“Their strength, their speed, their stamina would be incredible, and as a group, unstoppable,” he said.
Renay insisted transjennering is “very doable,” thanks to the “tremendous resources” the Maple Leafs have poured into scientific research since the National Hockey League put a salary cap in place, leaving the team with “tons of cash” to spend in other areas.
“We were going to wait another 18 months to make a run for the Stanley Cup on the 50th anniversary of the last time the Leafs won it, but recent circumstances have forced our hand,” Renay said. “Rogers TV said if the team didn't start winning, it was going to pull Leaf games from national coverage and make the Montreal Canadiens the go-to team. We didn't want to be responsible for Don Cherry having a heart attack.”
Shanahan said that was “just one factor” in moving up the team's plans to change the team's “identity,” which went from being truculent “to indolent.”
Fans tossing Leaf sweaters on the ice, people “saying nasty stuff on social media,” players wearing paper bags over their helmets -- “it became clear we needed to tweak our timetable,” he said.
Renay didn't want to get into the specifics of the treatment, because the team wished to preserve its competitive edge and several patents are pending, but he said the NHL's Department of Player Safety is “on board” with the Leafs' plans.
“To be frank, we don't think the [degenerates] have a hope in hell of pulling it off, but we didn't want to be accused of [spoiling] their cornflakes by saying no,” department spokesman Chris Pronger said in a telephone interview. “I mean, what the [oh mercy] are Wheatie injections anyways? I got to say, though, the schematics for the other stuff look [really] cool.”
Shanahan declined to reveal at this time the names of the six players who were “encouraged” to participate in the project out of respect for their privacy.
He boasted the “individual enhancement regime” will be “10 times better” than the transformative personal development program Canadiens coach Michel Therrien has employed successfully with selected members of his team.
“All he's got is a Norris Trophy winner out of it. I see our players winning that, along with a Hart, Vezina and Rocket Richard,” Shanahan said, causing several reporters to cock an eyebrow.
He offered further proof the Leafs are not tanking to get a shot at landing this year's top draft pick by announcing David Clarkson will be back in the lineup Thursday night after being a healthy scratch the last two games.
“I see him making a difference down the stretch,” Shanahan said, provoking a flurry of elevated eyebrows.
"A little song, a little dance, A little seltzer down your pants"
Pronger hiring raises eyebrows, lowers respect
(Oct. 11, 2014)
New York – Raising suspicions its calendar has fast-forwarded to April 1 or that it just doesn't give a damn, the National Hockey League has announced former All-Star defenceman Chris Pronger is joining its department of player safety.
Pronger is the fourth player, but first still employed by a team, to find work in the department with more than 1,200 career penalty minutes, 1,590, following in the footsteps of Stephane Quintal (1,320), the league's chief disciplinarian, and his two predecessors, Brendan Shanahan (2,489) and Colin Campbell (1,292).
“Chris, with his years of experience, almost 1,200 games played in the NHL, will provide valuable insight into making the games safer for players,” NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said. “He can tell when a player who slashes, knees, hits from behind or spears does so with an intent to injure, or is simply being zealous in pursuit of the puck or in delivering a check. That kind of nuanced understanding, which can only come from having played the game for so long, is critical to administering justice in a way that doesn't harm the sport, which should be our overriding concern. Yes, the safety of athletes is important, by and large, but safeguarding the game that provides them employment is paramount, and you don't want to jettison those elements that make it so appealing to fans.”
Pronger is familiar with how the department operates, having been suspended eight times for vicious play.
“Chris will tell you he's learned his lesson from those missteps and is anxious to make use of that knowledge, now that his playing days are over,” Bettman said.
“He was a smooth-skating, puck-moving defenceman but there will be no rush to judgment when it comes to handing out supplementary discipline. We can count on Chris to be even-handed, or as some might say, two-handed,” he quipped, flashing his patented elfin grin.
Pronger declined comment, responding to requests for an interview with an email, framed by sneering emoticons, that contained the following statement:
“Players who embellish should be treated severely, for making a mockery of the game. There is no place in hockey for contrived victimization, as it cheapens the sacrifice made by others who take a hit, dirty or otherwise, to make a play. Violence is part of the game. If you haven't got used to it by now, you might want to consider a career change.”
Paul Kariya, another former NHL star, was hoping to but it didn't happen.
The Hockey Hall of Famer, who managed only 399 penalty minutes in a 15-year career, expressed disappointment that his request to join the department of player safety was never acknowledged.
"I wanted to offer a different mindset in deciding supplementary discipline, but winning the Lady Byng, twice, has pretty much killed any chance I have of being part of the NHL administration," he lamented.
The multiple concussions probably didn't help either, he added.
"Once a victim, always a victim, apparently, and I guess the NHL feared it could colour my thinking when contributing to a ruling."
(Oct. 11, 2014)
New York – Raising suspicions its calendar has fast-forwarded to April 1 or that it just doesn't give a damn, the National Hockey League has announced former All-Star defenceman Chris Pronger is joining its department of player safety.
Pronger is the fourth player, but first still employed by a team, to find work in the department with more than 1,200 career penalty minutes, 1,590, following in the footsteps of Stephane Quintal (1,320), the league's chief disciplinarian, and his two predecessors, Brendan Shanahan (2,489) and Colin Campbell (1,292).
“Chris, with his years of experience, almost 1,200 games played in the NHL, will provide valuable insight into making the games safer for players,” NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said. “He can tell when a player who slashes, knees, hits from behind or spears does so with an intent to injure, or is simply being zealous in pursuit of the puck or in delivering a check. That kind of nuanced understanding, which can only come from having played the game for so long, is critical to administering justice in a way that doesn't harm the sport, which should be our overriding concern. Yes, the safety of athletes is important, by and large, but safeguarding the game that provides them employment is paramount, and you don't want to jettison those elements that make it so appealing to fans.”
Pronger is familiar with how the department operates, having been suspended eight times for vicious play.
“Chris will tell you he's learned his lesson from those missteps and is anxious to make use of that knowledge, now that his playing days are over,” Bettman said.
“He was a smooth-skating, puck-moving defenceman but there will be no rush to judgment when it comes to handing out supplementary discipline. We can count on Chris to be even-handed, or as some might say, two-handed,” he quipped, flashing his patented elfin grin.
Pronger declined comment, responding to requests for an interview with an email, framed by sneering emoticons, that contained the following statement:
“Players who embellish should be treated severely, for making a mockery of the game. There is no place in hockey for contrived victimization, as it cheapens the sacrifice made by others who take a hit, dirty or otherwise, to make a play. Violence is part of the game. If you haven't got used to it by now, you might want to consider a career change.”
Paul Kariya, another former NHL star, was hoping to but it didn't happen.
The Hockey Hall of Famer, who managed only 399 penalty minutes in a 15-year career, expressed disappointment that his request to join the department of player safety was never acknowledged.
"I wanted to offer a different mindset in deciding supplementary discipline, but winning the Lady Byng, twice, has pretty much killed any chance I have of being part of the NHL administration," he lamented.
The multiple concussions probably didn't help either, he added.
"Once a victim, always a victim, apparently, and I guess the NHL feared it could colour my thinking when contributing to a ruling."
Pack up your troubles ...
(From the vault, March 4, 2014)
The collapse of the Montreal Canadiens has their fans free-falling toward rampant despair. To head off an off-season of gloom among even their most fervent fans, the Canadiens have asked team physician Dr. Rhéal Quaque to ease their pain and prepare them for a better future. He’s prescribed the following bromides (to be taken at mealtimes; grain of salt already included):
Every cloud has a silver lining
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Turn your frown upside-down
Lighten up
Count your blessings
(From the vault, March 4, 2014)
The collapse of the Montreal Canadiens has their fans free-falling toward rampant despair. To head off an off-season of gloom among even their most fervent fans, the Canadiens have asked team physician Dr. Rhéal Quaque to ease their pain and prepare them for a better future. He’s prescribed the following bromides (to be taken at mealtimes; grain of salt already included):
Every cloud has a silver lining
It’s always darkest before the dawn
Turn your frown upside-down
Lighten up
Count your blessings
Left-left-right-left-right!
(Aug. 26, 2013)
\MONTREAL – The Montreal Canadiens will ask all its defencemen to become ambidextrous at training camp next month.
“We need to do something, because the way it is now we’re overloaded with left-shooting D-men,” coach Michel Therrien told reporters. “I’m confident the guys will learn how to handle a stick from either side pretty quick, they’re all professionals.”
Therrien chuckled the learning period could literally turn into “a crash course” for the first couple of days “but that’s a good thing, because they’ll also learn how to take a hit. And no one should stop learning no matter how old they get or how long they’ve been on the job. Believe it or not, I’m still learning.”
With only two of its seven rearguards – PK Subban and Raphael Diaz – natural right-handed shots, Montreal is desperate to strike a balance behind the blueline.
“It’s really hard to come up with pairings where one player isn’t playing out of position and feeling uncomfortable,” Therrien said. “You don’t want a player back there who’s not right for the job.”
Therrien added that ambidexterity will also make Montreal’s defence corps more aggressive, as each member will become adept at “delivering two-handers” from either side.
One of the best players in Canadiens’ history, Yvan Cournoyer, was ambidextrous, and he’s volunteered to teach the defencemen the new skill.
“As soon as training camp starts, I’ll have them do everything with one hand that they’re used to doing with the other,” Cournoyer said. “Buckling their belts, cutting their meat, giving the finger, combing their hair, shaving their face, wiping their-Everything!
“By the time I’m done they’ll be able to celebrate a goal with either hand!”
(Aug. 26, 2013)
\MONTREAL – The Montreal Canadiens will ask all its defencemen to become ambidextrous at training camp next month.
“We need to do something, because the way it is now we’re overloaded with left-shooting D-men,” coach Michel Therrien told reporters. “I’m confident the guys will learn how to handle a stick from either side pretty quick, they’re all professionals.”
Therrien chuckled the learning period could literally turn into “a crash course” for the first couple of days “but that’s a good thing, because they’ll also learn how to take a hit. And no one should stop learning no matter how old they get or how long they’ve been on the job. Believe it or not, I’m still learning.”
With only two of its seven rearguards – PK Subban and Raphael Diaz – natural right-handed shots, Montreal is desperate to strike a balance behind the blueline.
“It’s really hard to come up with pairings where one player isn’t playing out of position and feeling uncomfortable,” Therrien said. “You don’t want a player back there who’s not right for the job.”
Therrien added that ambidexterity will also make Montreal’s defence corps more aggressive, as each member will become adept at “delivering two-handers” from either side.
One of the best players in Canadiens’ history, Yvan Cournoyer, was ambidextrous, and he’s volunteered to teach the defencemen the new skill.
“As soon as training camp starts, I’ll have them do everything with one hand that they’re used to doing with the other,” Cournoyer said. “Buckling their belts, cutting their meat, giving the finger, combing their hair, shaving their face, wiping their-Everything!
“By the time I’m done they’ll be able to celebrate a goal with either hand!”
I need to subscribe to another news service
(Jan. 27, 2014)
Montreal – The free-falling Montreal Canadiens have traded coach Michel Therrien and centre David Desharnais to the Colorado Avalanche for PA Parenteau.
Therrien was immediately designated for assignment to the Lake Erie Monsters. Desharnais has been pencilled in for fourth-line duty when the Avalanche play the Minnesota Wild on Thursday.
Therrien’s replacement, player-coach Josh Gorges, said Parenteau will suit up “as soon as we come up with a good nickname.”
Therrien took the news badly, crying in captain Brian Gionta’s arms, before being led out of the Bell Centre by all the players, who tried to lift his spirits with a steady chorus of cheers.
“I know Michel tried his best here but it just wasn’t working,” general manager Marc Bergevin told reporters. “I think he might have tried too hard, with all the lines he came up with. I gave him the ingredients for prime rib of beef au jus and horseradish sauce and he turned them into meat loaf.”
Bergevin said he hated to part with Desharnais but he was determined to let Therrien go and “the two of them seemed joined at the hip.”
Gorges said it will take a week or so before the team learns his system, which combines blocking shots with breakouts from the defensive zone.
(Jan. 27, 2014)
Montreal – The free-falling Montreal Canadiens have traded coach Michel Therrien and centre David Desharnais to the Colorado Avalanche for PA Parenteau.
Therrien was immediately designated for assignment to the Lake Erie Monsters. Desharnais has been pencilled in for fourth-line duty when the Avalanche play the Minnesota Wild on Thursday.
Therrien’s replacement, player-coach Josh Gorges, said Parenteau will suit up “as soon as we come up with a good nickname.”
Therrien took the news badly, crying in captain Brian Gionta’s arms, before being led out of the Bell Centre by all the players, who tried to lift his spirits with a steady chorus of cheers.
“I know Michel tried his best here but it just wasn’t working,” general manager Marc Bergevin told reporters. “I think he might have tried too hard, with all the lines he came up with. I gave him the ingredients for prime rib of beef au jus and horseradish sauce and he turned them into meat loaf.”
Bergevin said he hated to part with Desharnais but he was determined to let Therrien go and “the two of them seemed joined at the hip.”
Gorges said it will take a week or so before the team learns his system, which combines blocking shots with breakouts from the defensive zone.
It would be nice to have a few more stats, okay?
(Sept. 26, 2013)
Didn’t watch the game last night, for which I am thankful, judging by the comments posted, so what follows will contribute nothing in the way of insight as to what the Canadiens need to do to prepare for the season.
If you start scrolling now I won’t be offended.
Just the two of us, uh?
What’s that, your computer locked up? I hate when that happens.
Okay, I’ll try to keep it short (and will you quit rolling the mouse wheel; your computer’s locked, for pete’s sake): Actually, I have a question for you (and, gawd, I hope you’re one of the hockey experts on this site; otherwise, I might have to go to EOTP to get some answers).
Here’s what I want to know: Does the league keep statistics on players being fouled, the ones who draw the penalties?
You know, does it note who it is that gets hooked, tripped, roughed up, elbowed, boarded, held, cross-checked, high-sticked, interfered with, slashed, head-butted, kneed, checked in the head or speared – do they have stats for that?
Because I think it would be interesting, maybe even helpful, if teams – and fans – knew how many penalties players draw that give their team an enhanced opportunity to score.
For example, Craig Biggio got hit 285 times by a pitch during his major league career, Don Baylor 267, Ron Hunt 243 and Frank Robinson 198. I wonder how many times they ended up scoring, or drove in a run if the bases were loaded when it happened?
If the NHL doesn’t collect that kind of data, it should. Wouldn’t you like to know that, say, Plekanec, in addition to scoring 17 goals and 35 assists in 2011-12, also was hooked five times, tripped four times, roughed up twice, elbowed three times, boarded four times, held once, cross-checked five times, high-sticked four times, interfered with once, slashed seven times, head-butted never, kneed once, checked in the head twice and speared once. That’s 40 times he put his team on the power-play (or nullified a power play by the other side), leading to 10 goals his team scored while playing with the man advantage.
(Conversely, does the league document how many times the opposition scores while a player is serving a penalty? You would need to balance the data collected.)
I would be most interested to learn who in the league draws the most penalties each season. Either this guy is good, is incredibly annoying to opponents, or has a real knack for selling a ‘foul’ to a ref.
In any event, that player and other ‘victims’ in the top 20 should be recognized.
Who knows, it might also point to certain prevailing prejudices, if the figures show the majority of those on the receiving end happen to be European, or under six foot, or centres, or ugly, in which case the league should do something to put an end to the discrimination.
BTW, would it be possible for someone to be assessed a triple minor for kneeing Desharnais in the head and send him crashing into the boards?
(Sept. 26, 2013)
Didn’t watch the game last night, for which I am thankful, judging by the comments posted, so what follows will contribute nothing in the way of insight as to what the Canadiens need to do to prepare for the season.
If you start scrolling now I won’t be offended.
Just the two of us, uh?
What’s that, your computer locked up? I hate when that happens.
Okay, I’ll try to keep it short (and will you quit rolling the mouse wheel; your computer’s locked, for pete’s sake): Actually, I have a question for you (and, gawd, I hope you’re one of the hockey experts on this site; otherwise, I might have to go to EOTP to get some answers).
Here’s what I want to know: Does the league keep statistics on players being fouled, the ones who draw the penalties?
You know, does it note who it is that gets hooked, tripped, roughed up, elbowed, boarded, held, cross-checked, high-sticked, interfered with, slashed, head-butted, kneed, checked in the head or speared – do they have stats for that?
Because I think it would be interesting, maybe even helpful, if teams – and fans – knew how many penalties players draw that give their team an enhanced opportunity to score.
For example, Craig Biggio got hit 285 times by a pitch during his major league career, Don Baylor 267, Ron Hunt 243 and Frank Robinson 198. I wonder how many times they ended up scoring, or drove in a run if the bases were loaded when it happened?
If the NHL doesn’t collect that kind of data, it should. Wouldn’t you like to know that, say, Plekanec, in addition to scoring 17 goals and 35 assists in 2011-12, also was hooked five times, tripped four times, roughed up twice, elbowed three times, boarded four times, held once, cross-checked five times, high-sticked four times, interfered with once, slashed seven times, head-butted never, kneed once, checked in the head twice and speared once. That’s 40 times he put his team on the power-play (or nullified a power play by the other side), leading to 10 goals his team scored while playing with the man advantage.
(Conversely, does the league document how many times the opposition scores while a player is serving a penalty? You would need to balance the data collected.)
I would be most interested to learn who in the league draws the most penalties each season. Either this guy is good, is incredibly annoying to opponents, or has a real knack for selling a ‘foul’ to a ref.
In any event, that player and other ‘victims’ in the top 20 should be recognized.
Who knows, it might also point to certain prevailing prejudices, if the figures show the majority of those on the receiving end happen to be European, or under six foot, or centres, or ugly, in which case the league should do something to put an end to the discrimination.
BTW, would it be possible for someone to be assessed a triple minor for kneeing Desharnais in the head and send him crashing into the boards?
Befuddled I am, and befuddled I'll be
(July 28, 2012)
Frankly, I’m befuddled – a state of being between baffled and bewildered.
How did I come to be fuddled? Well, it’s from reading this site [HIO] for lo these many weeks of summer.
Now I think it’s great that so much mental energy is spent on addressing the many ills of the Montreal Canadiens: the lack of scoring, the puny power play, Gomez, the desperate need for a rugged rearguard or two, as well as a feared enforcer – and what about a big left winger with a cannon for a shot?
All well and good but what’s glaringly lacking is the absence of any sustained discussion about one of the Top 5 problems the Canadiens had to contend with last season, according to numerous post-game posts from the commentariat.
C’mon, dredge your memory, what was it? How soon we forget!
The reffing, remember? Yeah, now it’s all coming back. The $%#^#$ refs!
So what nostrums have been put forward to deal with this troubling situation, because it won’t go away on its own? Believe it or not but there’s been a paucity of punditry on the subject.
Now I did suggest hiring taller refs and adding a few more inches to their height with a few skate modifications to give them a better vantage point for the calling of penalties. Turn the zebras into giraffes, was my thinking, the assumption being officials were missing calls because their sight lines are blocked while moving in among the herd.
But suppose I was wrong and the officiating isn’t bad because the refs are of average height, it’s because they’re of below average talent? If we accept the premise, and many of you have already drawn that conclusion, what’s to be done?
Number one, it should be a major item for discussion in current talks on a new collective bargaining agreement, because whatever system the NHL now has in place isn’t working. Neither side can be happy with the level of officiating too often provided by the men in stripes. It diminishes the sport.
In calling for improvement in the enforcement of rules, I do so not to gain any particular advantage for the Canadiens because, as we all well know, they seldom took advantage of the opportunities they were given last season. No, I make this appeal as a fan who wishes to see the game achieve its full potential as an entertainment spectacle.
I’ll leave it to others to come up with a solution. My only suggestion would be to call upon those fine fellows, Corsi and Fenwick, maybe even Dickens and Fenster, to establish a scoring system to evaluate the work of on-ice officials. This would give NHL management the statistical data it needs to bring about necessary changes in the development of competent referees.
Consultants Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young could also be recruited by the NHL to provide training material:
Teach your referees well,
So their calls won’t smell,
And ruin a good game
Make them work to rules
These pitiful fools
Who cause you great shame
Don’t you ever ask them why
The fouls they skate on by
While the crowd yells out: ‘Oh my
What are you, blind, ref?’
(July 28, 2012)
Frankly, I’m befuddled – a state of being between baffled and bewildered.
How did I come to be fuddled? Well, it’s from reading this site [HIO] for lo these many weeks of summer.
Now I think it’s great that so much mental energy is spent on addressing the many ills of the Montreal Canadiens: the lack of scoring, the puny power play, Gomez, the desperate need for a rugged rearguard or two, as well as a feared enforcer – and what about a big left winger with a cannon for a shot?
All well and good but what’s glaringly lacking is the absence of any sustained discussion about one of the Top 5 problems the Canadiens had to contend with last season, according to numerous post-game posts from the commentariat.
C’mon, dredge your memory, what was it? How soon we forget!
The reffing, remember? Yeah, now it’s all coming back. The $%#^#$ refs!
So what nostrums have been put forward to deal with this troubling situation, because it won’t go away on its own? Believe it or not but there’s been a paucity of punditry on the subject.
Now I did suggest hiring taller refs and adding a few more inches to their height with a few skate modifications to give them a better vantage point for the calling of penalties. Turn the zebras into giraffes, was my thinking, the assumption being officials were missing calls because their sight lines are blocked while moving in among the herd.
But suppose I was wrong and the officiating isn’t bad because the refs are of average height, it’s because they’re of below average talent? If we accept the premise, and many of you have already drawn that conclusion, what’s to be done?
Number one, it should be a major item for discussion in current talks on a new collective bargaining agreement, because whatever system the NHL now has in place isn’t working. Neither side can be happy with the level of officiating too often provided by the men in stripes. It diminishes the sport.
In calling for improvement in the enforcement of rules, I do so not to gain any particular advantage for the Canadiens because, as we all well know, they seldom took advantage of the opportunities they were given last season. No, I make this appeal as a fan who wishes to see the game achieve its full potential as an entertainment spectacle.
I’ll leave it to others to come up with a solution. My only suggestion would be to call upon those fine fellows, Corsi and Fenwick, maybe even Dickens and Fenster, to establish a scoring system to evaluate the work of on-ice officials. This would give NHL management the statistical data it needs to bring about necessary changes in the development of competent referees.
Consultants Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young could also be recruited by the NHL to provide training material:
Teach your referees well,
So their calls won’t smell,
And ruin a good game
Make them work to rules
These pitiful fools
Who cause you great shame
Don’t you ever ask them why
The fouls they skate on by
While the crowd yells out: ‘Oh my
What are you, blind, ref?’
Saku, Saku, Saku very much
(Oct. 24, 2013)
Migawd, did you read what Therrien had to say about Koivu’s return to Montreal tonight?
Here it is, courtesy of NHL.com (and me, cuz I’m the one’s who pasting it here):
“What I remember the most is the ovation the Canadiens fans gave him,” Therrien said after practice Wednesday. “I wasn’t behind the bench at the time, I had to go in the back because emotionally, that was a special moment. It is such an important moment in my life that I have a photo of that in my house to remind me of that day. There are moments in your life that stay with you, and his return stayed with me.”
Talk about giving the other side a heaping helping of locker room incentive!
Imagine you’re a Duck – for at least one of you, this isn’t such a big stretch – and you read the coach of the team you’re about to play still has fond memories of your teammate. That he keeps a photo in his house of that special moment when Koivu returned after a long absence.
Well, Koivu’s coming back again tonight after another long absence so what are you thinkin’? (Remember, you’re a Duck.)
Right, the coach is going to be an emotional wreck tonight as soon as Koivu touches the ice.
That in preparing for this game he was likely distracted and probably didn’t do too good a job of it.
That he probably let it be known in a not-so-subtle manner that his players shouldn’t even think about throwing a body check in the little Finn’s direction.
That he’ll probably leave the bench a few times during the game to head out back because he’s so overcome seeing his little buddy out there again, racing to and fro.
If ever a team was ripe for the picking, it’s the Canadiens tonight, you’re thinkin’.
And what must be going through the minds of the coach’s own players right about now? How about, “Geez, wished he showed a warm side of his personality talking about me to the press now and then. What’s a guy got to do around here to get some heartfelt praise – become a leper?”
Yep, Therrien really stuck his foot in it this time. I sure hope the team manages to overcome his pre-game blunder – as well as the ones he makes during the game – and eke out a win over a tough foe.
(It would be nice, though, to see Saku get a couple of goals, just for old time’s sake.)
———————— Now with 40 per cent less fact! —————————--
(Oct. 24, 2013)
Migawd, did you read what Therrien had to say about Koivu’s return to Montreal tonight?
Here it is, courtesy of NHL.com (and me, cuz I’m the one’s who pasting it here):
“What I remember the most is the ovation the Canadiens fans gave him,” Therrien said after practice Wednesday. “I wasn’t behind the bench at the time, I had to go in the back because emotionally, that was a special moment. It is such an important moment in my life that I have a photo of that in my house to remind me of that day. There are moments in your life that stay with you, and his return stayed with me.”
Talk about giving the other side a heaping helping of locker room incentive!
Imagine you’re a Duck – for at least one of you, this isn’t such a big stretch – and you read the coach of the team you’re about to play still has fond memories of your teammate. That he keeps a photo in his house of that special moment when Koivu returned after a long absence.
Well, Koivu’s coming back again tonight after another long absence so what are you thinkin’? (Remember, you’re a Duck.)
Right, the coach is going to be an emotional wreck tonight as soon as Koivu touches the ice.
That in preparing for this game he was likely distracted and probably didn’t do too good a job of it.
That he probably let it be known in a not-so-subtle manner that his players shouldn’t even think about throwing a body check in the little Finn’s direction.
That he’ll probably leave the bench a few times during the game to head out back because he’s so overcome seeing his little buddy out there again, racing to and fro.
If ever a team was ripe for the picking, it’s the Canadiens tonight, you’re thinkin’.
And what must be going through the minds of the coach’s own players right about now? How about, “Geez, wished he showed a warm side of his personality talking about me to the press now and then. What’s a guy got to do around here to get some heartfelt praise – become a leper?”
Yep, Therrien really stuck his foot in it this time. I sure hope the team manages to overcome his pre-game blunder – as well as the ones he makes during the game – and eke out a win over a tough foe.
(It would be nice, though, to see Saku get a couple of goals, just for old time’s sake.)
———————— Now with 40 per cent less fact! —————————--
25, 24, 23, 22, 21...
(Sept. 18, 2014)
The countdown to the start of the regular season continues. Today it's at 20, as in
questions
1.) Which Canadien holds the team record for longevity, having played 20 seasons?
2.) What popular comedy made its debut on NBC 20 years ago?
(If you don't know the answer ask your buddies)
3.) As of yesterday, how high has the bidding gone on eBay for LeSean McCoy's 20-cent tip receipt?
4.) According to research, uh, yeah, research, memory loss, the, the, gradual decline of, of, of, memory, that whole thing with ...... memory... memory process, that's it! It begins, it begins, it beginsWhen does it begin? Age __
5.) In 1996, this player finished the season with the best batting average by a 20-year-old in MLB history, .358 with a minimum of 310 plate appearances, better than Ty Cobb, Al Kaline, and Ted Williams, among others. Who was it? Hint: He's played 20 seasons
(FYI: Mike Trout hit .326 in 2012 at age 20)
6.) Harvey times Lafleur divide by Beliveau plus Lemaire subtract Dryden times Plante add Rocket Richard divide by Lapointe add Savard =
7.) Which university was just named the top university in Canada, and 20th in the world in the Quacquarelli Symonds World University Rankings?
8.) Which country fell to 20th spot in FIFA world rankings, its lowest in 18 years, after a disappointing World Cup campaign?
9.) Which 19th century American writer has been wrongly credited with saying: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”?
10.) Which 20-year-old goalie, playing his first full season, led his team to a Stanley Cup victory and became the youngest player ever to win the Conn Smythe Trophy?
11.) Who did the Canadiens beat in four straight to win their 20th Stanley Cup?
12.) The '20s were known as what kind of decade?
13.) If you scored a bunch of goals, say, a score, how many did you score?
14.) Name four G-20 members other than Canada, United States, Russia and the United Kingdom (before it shrunk?)
15.) How many baby teeth do children have?
16.) Married seven times, this rock 'n' roll legend's first marriage, at age 14, lasted 20 months. Who is it?
17.) A cyclops whose eyesight is good, does he have __ vision?
18.) According to a 2013 poll, only 20 per cent of Canada's physicians said they would participate in what if it became legal?
19.) An American gold coin worth $20 is called?
20.) Scientists estimate there are 20 billion what in our galaxy?
Answers
1. Henri Richard
2. Friends
3. $100,000
4. It's,it's, lemme see, I just had it on the tip of my, tip of my, oh yeah! It's 20!
5. Alex Rodriguez
6. 20 (I should make these things harder)
7. University of Toronto
8. England
9. Mark Twain
10. Patrick Roy
11. Boston Bruins
12. Roaring
13. Score = 20
14. The other G-20 members: Argentina, Australia, Brazil, China, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Republic of Korea, Mexico, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Turkey, and the European Union.
15. 20, of course
16. Jerry Lee Lewis
17. 20
18. Euthanasia
19. Double Eagles
20. Earth-like planets
Bonus answer: 20
(Sept. 18, 2014)
The countdown to the start of the regular season continues. Today it's at 20, as in
questions
1.) Which Canadien holds the team record for longevity, having played 20 seasons?
2.) What popular comedy made its debut on NBC 20 years ago?
(If you don't know the answer ask your buddies)
3.) As of yesterday, how high has the bidding gone on eBay for LeSean McCoy's 20-cent tip receipt?
4.) According to research, uh, yeah, research, memory loss, the, the, gradual decline of, of, of, memory, that whole thing with ...... memory... memory process, that's it! It begins, it begins, it beginsWhen does it begin? Age __
5.) In 1996, this player finished the season with the best batting average by a 20-year-old in MLB history, .358 with a minimum of 310 plate appearances, better than Ty Cobb, Al Kaline, and Ted Williams, among others. Who was it? Hint: He's played 20 seasons
(FYI: Mike Trout hit .326 in 2012 at age 20)
6.) Harvey times Lafleur divide by Beliveau plus Lemaire subtract Dryden times Plante add Rocket Richard divide by Lapointe add Savard =
7.) Which university was just named the top university in Canada, and 20th in the world in the Quacquarelli Symonds World University Rankings?
8.) Which country fell to 20th spot in FIFA world rankings, its lowest in 18 years, after a disappointing World Cup campaign?
9.) Which 19th century American writer has been wrongly credited with saying: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”?
10.) Which 20-year-old goalie, playing his first full season, led his team to a Stanley Cup victory and became the youngest player ever to win the Conn Smythe Trophy?
11.) Who did the Canadiens beat in four straight to win their 20th Stanley Cup?
12.) The '20s were known as what kind of decade?
13.) If you scored a bunch of goals, say, a score, how many did you score?
14.) Name four G-20 members other than Canada, United States, Russia and the United Kingdom (before it shrunk?)
15.) How many baby teeth do children have?
16.) Married seven times, this rock 'n' roll legend's first marriage, at age 14, lasted 20 months. Who is it?
17.) A cyclops whose eyesight is good, does he have __ vision?
18.) According to a 2013 poll, only 20 per cent of Canada's physicians said they would participate in what if it became legal?
19.) An American gold coin worth $20 is called?
20.) Scientists estimate there are 20 billion what in our galaxy?
Answers
1. Henri Richard
2. Friends
3. $100,000
4. It's,it's, lemme see, I just had it on the tip of my, tip of my, oh yeah! It's 20!
5. Alex Rodriguez
6. 20 (I should make these things harder)
7. University of Toronto
8. England
9. Mark Twain
10. Patrick Roy
11. Boston Bruins
12. Roaring
13. Score = 20
14. The other G-20 members: Argentina, Australia, Brazil, China, France, Germany, India, Indonesia, Italy, Japan, Republic of Korea, Mexico, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Turkey, and the European Union.
15. 20, of course
16. Jerry Lee Lewis
17. 20
18. Euthanasia
19. Double Eagles
20. Earth-like planets
Bonus answer: 20
Voyage to the Bottom of the League
(March 10, 2012)
MONTREAL – Saying it’s “sick and tired of making documentaries and animated films that no one ever sees except at the Academy Awards,” the National Film Board of Canada will shoot its first-ever mainstream movie this fall.
It’s a remake of two classic science-fiction movies, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, from more than 50 years ago, but with a modern twist, “to give it mass appeal,” said NFB creative director Antoine Potemkin.
“Voyage to the Bottom of the League is an imaginative take on the Montreal Canadiens’ 2011-12 season, told in the form of an allegory,” he said. “We’ll make full use of our documentary skills to ensure the story is told as accurately as possible but at the same time, we’re going to utilize our other strength – animation – to enhance the truth, particularly during the fantasy sequences showing the team scoring on the power play.”
Voyage to the Bottom of the League draws heavily on the two science-fiction movies to cobble a fanciful account of a Montreal team that’s about to make history by using the North-West Passage to play a game in Vancouver (and assert Canadien sovereignty in the process).
Their “vessel-slash-team” is a submarine named the Naughtilus in honour of its post-season prospects. It faces numerous challenges along the way, each of them meant to be seen as metaphors, Potemkin said.
“The first hazard the Naughtilus encounters involves icebergs – or injuries – which handicap the mission,” Potemkin said. “After that it’s a giant squid – okay, the squid in this movie is a lot smaller than in the original – but its meaning is obvious to Canadiens’ fans all too familiar with how underperforming athletes can drag down a team.”
The denouement sees a meteor shower set the Van Allen radiation belt on fire which threatens mankind’s existence and completion of the regular hockey season. The solution is to have the Naughtilus fire a nuclear missile into the belt to snuff out the flames through a chain reaction but the submarine’s puny weapons system proves inadequate to the task, Potemkin said.
“The missile fails in the shootout, leaving the Naughtilus badly crippled.”
Mutiny breaks out, with one faction among the crew arguing to stay the course and attempt another launch of a missile. The opposing faction insists the only way to save humanity – and improve the team’s future – is by the draft, in which the Naughtilus, by a series of deft maneuvers, draws a huge volume of ocean water into its missile tubes and sends a plume of water into the atmosphere, ending the crisis.
Potemkin declined to reveal which faction wins but film buffs who have obtained bootleg copies of the script say online that Voyage to the Bottom of the League concludes with the one faction of the crew jumping ship and being rescued by a tanker.
The last scene shows it chugging toward the horizon, the sky ablaze.
(March 10, 2012)
MONTREAL – Saying it’s “sick and tired of making documentaries and animated films that no one ever sees except at the Academy Awards,” the National Film Board of Canada will shoot its first-ever mainstream movie this fall.
It’s a remake of two classic science-fiction movies, Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, from more than 50 years ago, but with a modern twist, “to give it mass appeal,” said NFB creative director Antoine Potemkin.
“Voyage to the Bottom of the League is an imaginative take on the Montreal Canadiens’ 2011-12 season, told in the form of an allegory,” he said. “We’ll make full use of our documentary skills to ensure the story is told as accurately as possible but at the same time, we’re going to utilize our other strength – animation – to enhance the truth, particularly during the fantasy sequences showing the team scoring on the power play.”
Voyage to the Bottom of the League draws heavily on the two science-fiction movies to cobble a fanciful account of a Montreal team that’s about to make history by using the North-West Passage to play a game in Vancouver (and assert Canadien sovereignty in the process).
Their “vessel-slash-team” is a submarine named the Naughtilus in honour of its post-season prospects. It faces numerous challenges along the way, each of them meant to be seen as metaphors, Potemkin said.
“The first hazard the Naughtilus encounters involves icebergs – or injuries – which handicap the mission,” Potemkin said. “After that it’s a giant squid – okay, the squid in this movie is a lot smaller than in the original – but its meaning is obvious to Canadiens’ fans all too familiar with how underperforming athletes can drag down a team.”
The denouement sees a meteor shower set the Van Allen radiation belt on fire which threatens mankind’s existence and completion of the regular hockey season. The solution is to have the Naughtilus fire a nuclear missile into the belt to snuff out the flames through a chain reaction but the submarine’s puny weapons system proves inadequate to the task, Potemkin said.
“The missile fails in the shootout, leaving the Naughtilus badly crippled.”
Mutiny breaks out, with one faction among the crew arguing to stay the course and attempt another launch of a missile. The opposing faction insists the only way to save humanity – and improve the team’s future – is by the draft, in which the Naughtilus, by a series of deft maneuvers, draws a huge volume of ocean water into its missile tubes and sends a plume of water into the atmosphere, ending the crisis.
Potemkin declined to reveal which faction wins but film buffs who have obtained bootleg copies of the script say online that Voyage to the Bottom of the League concludes with the one faction of the crew jumping ship and being rescued by a tanker.
The last scene shows it chugging toward the horizon, the sky ablaze.
And in this corner
(From the vault, March 8, 2012)
TORONTO – The UFC has managed to do what the CBC and the NHL couldn’t – get Don Cherry and Brian Burke in the same room talking to one another. Sorta.
They were there to promote their upcoming heavyweight fight next month for media supremacy in the Toronto area but it looked more like a practice round when the two met at a morning television show.
Things started off badly when Cherry tried to do up Burke’s tie and the Leafs GM pushed him away, calling the Hockey Night in Canada celebrity an “antediluvial, pontifical fop.”
A temporary truce ensued while Cherry consulted a dictionary, giving UFC officials ample time to extol the three-round, 15-minute, no-holds-barred contest they’re billing as the “mega-event of the sports universe for the entire millennium.”
The Ultimate Fighting Championship representatives downplayed criticism that putting seniors into the cage for the entertainment of younger generations sets a dangerous, albeit lucrative, precedent.
The debate was cut short when Cherry let out a roar followed by an excited defence of his choice of attire.
“How dare you criticize me about how I dress, you blowhard! Or should I say, blowhaaaard, Harvard! Ya wanna talk about wardrobe, here’s one for ya: Ya ever thought of dressing a few Ontario-born hockey players for the Leafs? Didn’t think so, and look where it’s got ya, four straight seasons out of the playoffs. What’s that tell you, genius!”
“That I don’t need to take any advice from a prima don who’s never won a Cup. Got a few minutes? I can tell you how it feels. It kills me, your infatuation with players you compare to lunch bucket, blue-collar workers. Those beloved workers of yours would be laughed off the premises if they came to work wearing shirts with collars like yours. You should try loosening the tie, Don, get the circulation to the brain going again.”
“Well, buddy boy, ya keep yer tie loose as long as ya want, but I’m warnin’ ya now, a few more losses and there will be hundreds of fans showin’ up at yer doorstep, ready to tighten it for ya. And, if I offended ya, Burkie, don’t keep it in. Let it all hang out. Ya got my boss’s phone number on speed dial.”
“What’s this, you acknowledge having a boss? There’s hope for you yet, Donnie-Boy. I wonder just how patient you’d be if you had a loudmouth on your team who challenged your authority as coach. Every week.”
“If I were coach I’d keep my mouth shut as long as the guy delivered the goods. Every week. Which, if you checked the ratings, I’ve been doin’.”
“Talking fossils always draw big, Grapes. Add Topo Gigio as a sidekick and you’ve got an act that’s hard to beat. Although I know many viewers would love to try.”
Cherry caught Burke unawares with a right jab to his shoulder, but Burke countered with a truculent act of his own, an upper cut to Cherry’s clavicle.
“My what???” Cherry shouted, as he punched Burke in the stomach.
“The collar bone – where else,” Burke rejoined, in word and fist, the latter autographing Cherry’s jaw with the imprint of a Stanley Cup ring.
UFC officials immediately stepped in before the two could get hurt on non-pay TV.
(From the vault, March 8, 2012)
TORONTO – The UFC has managed to do what the CBC and the NHL couldn’t – get Don Cherry and Brian Burke in the same room talking to one another. Sorta.
They were there to promote their upcoming heavyweight fight next month for media supremacy in the Toronto area but it looked more like a practice round when the two met at a morning television show.
Things started off badly when Cherry tried to do up Burke’s tie and the Leafs GM pushed him away, calling the Hockey Night in Canada celebrity an “antediluvial, pontifical fop.”
A temporary truce ensued while Cherry consulted a dictionary, giving UFC officials ample time to extol the three-round, 15-minute, no-holds-barred contest they’re billing as the “mega-event of the sports universe for the entire millennium.”
The Ultimate Fighting Championship representatives downplayed criticism that putting seniors into the cage for the entertainment of younger generations sets a dangerous, albeit lucrative, precedent.
The debate was cut short when Cherry let out a roar followed by an excited defence of his choice of attire.
“How dare you criticize me about how I dress, you blowhard! Or should I say, blowhaaaard, Harvard! Ya wanna talk about wardrobe, here’s one for ya: Ya ever thought of dressing a few Ontario-born hockey players for the Leafs? Didn’t think so, and look where it’s got ya, four straight seasons out of the playoffs. What’s that tell you, genius!”
“That I don’t need to take any advice from a prima don who’s never won a Cup. Got a few minutes? I can tell you how it feels. It kills me, your infatuation with players you compare to lunch bucket, blue-collar workers. Those beloved workers of yours would be laughed off the premises if they came to work wearing shirts with collars like yours. You should try loosening the tie, Don, get the circulation to the brain going again.”
“Well, buddy boy, ya keep yer tie loose as long as ya want, but I’m warnin’ ya now, a few more losses and there will be hundreds of fans showin’ up at yer doorstep, ready to tighten it for ya. And, if I offended ya, Burkie, don’t keep it in. Let it all hang out. Ya got my boss’s phone number on speed dial.”
“What’s this, you acknowledge having a boss? There’s hope for you yet, Donnie-Boy. I wonder just how patient you’d be if you had a loudmouth on your team who challenged your authority as coach. Every week.”
“If I were coach I’d keep my mouth shut as long as the guy delivered the goods. Every week. Which, if you checked the ratings, I’ve been doin’.”
“Talking fossils always draw big, Grapes. Add Topo Gigio as a sidekick and you’ve got an act that’s hard to beat. Although I know many viewers would love to try.”
Cherry caught Burke unawares with a right jab to his shoulder, but Burke countered with a truculent act of his own, an upper cut to Cherry’s clavicle.
“My what???” Cherry shouted, as he punched Burke in the stomach.
“The collar bone – where else,” Burke rejoined, in word and fist, the latter autographing Cherry’s jaw with the imprint of a Stanley Cup ring.
UFC officials immediately stepped in before the two could get hurt on non-pay TV.
The hell you say!
July 17, 2011
I don’t know why I bother but I’m such a big Habs fan that I figure they can use all the advice they can get. So here goes, once again, even if the team has ignored my previous 73 suggestions:
Some hockey observers perceive the Canadiens are a ‘soft’ team. To my way of thinking they’re not soft but a team with character willing to stand up to the toughest challenge. It just doesn’t have a goon or two to make other teams think twice about tangling with the Habs. Hence the popular belief they’re easy touches when it comes to the rough stuff.
Well, it’s obvious Montreal isn’t about to change its composition any time soon so it’s time to overhaul the team’s image. How? Change the logo.
CH? Club de hockey? Gimme a break. How insulting is that to fans’ intelligence? You’re in an arena, wearing skates, on ice, with a hockey stick in your hand and you need to put something on your sweater that says, ‘Hi, folks, we’re a hockey club.’
Ditch the logo. Well, at least one-half of it. Scratch the C, keep the H. No need to do away with tradition entirely. Have to maintain a link between the past and the future.
So what’s the new design? Hell’s Habitants. Small H inside a big fiery H.
I’m all a-tingle just thinking about the fear it’s sure to strike in Montreal’s opponents.
Now, the team would have to play Boston-dirty the first little while until its new image in the league was cemented. After that it could coast on the impression it had created.
Hell’s Habitants. Think of the amazing video game that could be spun off that. Demons claw their way from the depths of Hell and capture Heaven’s greatest prize, the Stanley Cup. Lord Stanley Cup.
Merchandising opportunities abound.
And I’m sure Stan Lee would appreciate being given something better to work with for the Guardian project.
Just one concern. The initials, HH.
Might conjure up memories of the Happy Hooker (who, by the way, wasn’t someone who took delight in taking penalties).
Or it might bring to mind another HH. Now that would sow unrest throughout the league.
July 17, 2011
I don’t know why I bother but I’m such a big Habs fan that I figure they can use all the advice they can get. So here goes, once again, even if the team has ignored my previous 73 suggestions:
Some hockey observers perceive the Canadiens are a ‘soft’ team. To my way of thinking they’re not soft but a team with character willing to stand up to the toughest challenge. It just doesn’t have a goon or two to make other teams think twice about tangling with the Habs. Hence the popular belief they’re easy touches when it comes to the rough stuff.
Well, it’s obvious Montreal isn’t about to change its composition any time soon so it’s time to overhaul the team’s image. How? Change the logo.
CH? Club de hockey? Gimme a break. How insulting is that to fans’ intelligence? You’re in an arena, wearing skates, on ice, with a hockey stick in your hand and you need to put something on your sweater that says, ‘Hi, folks, we’re a hockey club.’
Ditch the logo. Well, at least one-half of it. Scratch the C, keep the H. No need to do away with tradition entirely. Have to maintain a link between the past and the future.
So what’s the new design? Hell’s Habitants. Small H inside a big fiery H.
I’m all a-tingle just thinking about the fear it’s sure to strike in Montreal’s opponents.
Now, the team would have to play Boston-dirty the first little while until its new image in the league was cemented. After that it could coast on the impression it had created.
Hell’s Habitants. Think of the amazing video game that could be spun off that. Demons claw their way from the depths of Hell and capture Heaven’s greatest prize, the Stanley Cup. Lord Stanley Cup.
Merchandising opportunities abound.
And I’m sure Stan Lee would appreciate being given something better to work with for the Guardian project.
Just one concern. The initials, HH.
Might conjure up memories of the Happy Hooker (who, by the way, wasn’t someone who took delight in taking penalties).
Or it might bring to mind another HH. Now that would sow unrest throughout the league.
Days of our lives continued
(Sept. 12, 2014)
The countdown to the start of the season, now at 26, as in
games of three or more goals in career, team record: Rocket Richard
goals for Mats Naslund in rookie season (1982-83)
goals for in four-game series, a Canadiens team playoff record (1946, against Chicago)
goals for in five-game series, a Canadiens team playoff record (1919, against Ottawa)
goals for in seven games, fewest by two teams, a Canadiens team playoff record (1954, against Detroit; the Wings win series 4-3 and outscore Habs 14-12)
years after being banned from The Tonight Show, Joan Rivers makes a guest appearance in March
red cards in a deck; curiously there are as many black ones as well
best cult shows ever!
years man kept in prison for first degree murder – even though two lawyers knew he was innocent
letters of the alphabet, all used in the same sentence: a pangram
th of September, 1753, Samuel Johnson, famous English dictionary writer, writes to Samuel Richardson, famous English fiction writer. Honest. You can look it up (I did)
th of July, 1862 Abraham Lincoln, president, writes to Reverdy Johnson, senator, to ask how he got his first name [that's a guess]
th of August, 1964, Lyndon B. Johnson is nominated to run for president at the Democratic National Convention in Atlantic City
th of August, 2014, London mayor Boris Johnson confirms he will run for parliament in 2015
-year-old Ben Johnson runs -- really fast -- and wins Olympic gold medal in 1988. It costs him his seoul
-foot high statue of Marilyn Monroe has been standing in Palm Springs since 2011. The sculptor: Johnson, of course. Seward Johnson
(Sept. 12, 2014)
The countdown to the start of the season, now at 26, as in
games of three or more goals in career, team record: Rocket Richard
goals for Mats Naslund in rookie season (1982-83)
goals for in four-game series, a Canadiens team playoff record (1946, against Chicago)
goals for in five-game series, a Canadiens team playoff record (1919, against Ottawa)
goals for in seven games, fewest by two teams, a Canadiens team playoff record (1954, against Detroit; the Wings win series 4-3 and outscore Habs 14-12)
years after being banned from The Tonight Show, Joan Rivers makes a guest appearance in March
red cards in a deck; curiously there are as many black ones as well
best cult shows ever!
years man kept in prison for first degree murder – even though two lawyers knew he was innocent
letters of the alphabet, all used in the same sentence: a pangram
th of September, 1753, Samuel Johnson, famous English dictionary writer, writes to Samuel Richardson, famous English fiction writer. Honest. You can look it up (I did)
th of July, 1862 Abraham Lincoln, president, writes to Reverdy Johnson, senator, to ask how he got his first name [that's a guess]
th of August, 1964, Lyndon B. Johnson is nominated to run for president at the Democratic National Convention in Atlantic City
th of August, 2014, London mayor Boris Johnson confirms he will run for parliament in 2015
-year-old Ben Johnson runs -- really fast -- and wins Olympic gold medal in 1988. It costs him his seoul
-foot high statue of Marilyn Monroe has been standing in Palm Springs since 2011. The sculptor: Johnson, of course. Seward Johnson
Days of our lives
(Sept. 11, 2014)
The day-by-day countdown continues to the start of the season: 27, as in
th captain of the Montreal Canadiens: Saku Koivu
[captains one and all]
Saku Koivu + Henri Richard
Jean Beliveau + Bob Gainey
Dickie Moore + Yvan Cournoyer + Butch Bouchard
Toe Blake + Guy Carboneau
Serge Savard + Rocket Richard
Doug Harvey + Vincent Damphousse
John Tonelli – petition was launched last month to have Islanders retire his number and join those of Potvin, Gillies, Trottier, Bossy, Nystrom and Smith in the rafters.
years in prison for Canadian drug kingpin, dubbed the Pot Playboy, who was sentenced in August. The prosecutor asked for 420 [I jest]
th day (“Noah, tell me again how many days it's supposed to rain?”)
-cent tip a waitress can expect from Eagle running back LeSean McCoy on a $90 bill
Club, whose members, all musicians, died at age 27, including Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, blues legend Robert Johnson, Rolling Stone Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse
th issue of Detective Comics: first appearance of The Batman!
wives given to Chandra, the moon-god but he wasn't happy having so many brood hens around. “Flock!” he swore.
per cent more, on average, for a case of 24 beer in Ontario than it costs in Quebec, according to a study by a University of Waterloo economics professor reported last month.
Quatrain __ (Nostradamus)
“Under the Guyenne Sierra from heaven beaten,
Not far from there the treasure lies hidden:
That for many centuries has been closed,
He who finds it will die, the eye pierced by the spring”
(Nos' sure can be cryptic but the way I interpret this is some guy looking for gold in the Sierra comes across a jack-in-the-box and because of poor quality control by its maker gets poked in the eye when he opens it.
'damus doesn't say anything about a lawsuit by the family -- madre as hell, no doubt -- but it wouldn't surprise me. However, to be fair to the manufacturer, everyone knows the tune played is 'Pop! Goes the Pupil!')
(Sept. 11, 2014)
The day-by-day countdown continues to the start of the season: 27, as in
th captain of the Montreal Canadiens: Saku Koivu
[captains one and all]
Saku Koivu + Henri Richard
Jean Beliveau + Bob Gainey
Dickie Moore + Yvan Cournoyer + Butch Bouchard
Toe Blake + Guy Carboneau
Serge Savard + Rocket Richard
Doug Harvey + Vincent Damphousse
John Tonelli – petition was launched last month to have Islanders retire his number and join those of Potvin, Gillies, Trottier, Bossy, Nystrom and Smith in the rafters.
years in prison for Canadian drug kingpin, dubbed the Pot Playboy, who was sentenced in August. The prosecutor asked for 420 [I jest]
th day (“Noah, tell me again how many days it's supposed to rain?”)
-cent tip a waitress can expect from Eagle running back LeSean McCoy on a $90 bill
Club, whose members, all musicians, died at age 27, including Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, blues legend Robert Johnson, Rolling Stone Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse
th issue of Detective Comics: first appearance of The Batman!
wives given to Chandra, the moon-god but he wasn't happy having so many brood hens around. “Flock!” he swore.
per cent more, on average, for a case of 24 beer in Ontario than it costs in Quebec, according to a study by a University of Waterloo economics professor reported last month.
Quatrain __ (Nostradamus)
“Under the Guyenne Sierra from heaven beaten,
Not far from there the treasure lies hidden:
That for many centuries has been closed,
He who finds it will die, the eye pierced by the spring”
(Nos' sure can be cryptic but the way I interpret this is some guy looking for gold in the Sierra comes across a jack-in-the-box and because of poor quality control by its maker gets poked in the eye when he opens it.
'damus doesn't say anything about a lawsuit by the family -- madre as hell, no doubt -- but it wouldn't surprise me. However, to be fair to the manufacturer, everyone knows the tune played is 'Pop! Goes the Pupil!')
Sept. 6, 2014
Countdown in days to start of regular season: 32, as in
goals in one season, career high for top-flight Hab left winger Gilles Tremblay who was an even better broadcaster, receiving the Foster Hewitt Award from the Hockey Hall of Fame in 2002
record number of appearances in Stanley Cup final (since 1918): Montreal Canadiens
playoff games, two goals for Manny Malhotra
club record consecutive scoreless innings, Milwaukee Brewers, April 2013
home runs a season, on average, for Hank Aaron over his 23-year career
years since a CFL player scored a TD and made an interception in same game; Ticat linebacker Erik Harris did it Aug. 17 against Stampeders. The game also marked the first time that a player, Harris, caught a touchdown pass, made an interception AND sacked the quarterback.
million earned by actors Mark Wahlberg and Will Smith, from June 2013 to June 2014, tying them for ninth spot on list of Top 10, according to Forbes
Proposition __ “If a straight line touches a circle, and from the point of contact there is drawn across, in the circle, a straight line cutting the circle, then the angles which it makes with the tangent equal the angles in the alternate segments of the circle.” (Euclid)
Read carefully and memorize, there's a test tomorrow.
greatest unscripted movie scenes
types of dolphins that live in salt water (five other types live in fresh water)
senators dumped from federal Liberal caucus earlier this year by party leader Justin Trudeau
million gap in words spoken at home between children of professionals and children of parents on welfare by the time they reach age four.
Countdown in days to start of regular season: 32, as in
goals in one season, career high for top-flight Hab left winger Gilles Tremblay who was an even better broadcaster, receiving the Foster Hewitt Award from the Hockey Hall of Fame in 2002
record number of appearances in Stanley Cup final (since 1918): Montreal Canadiens
playoff games, two goals for Manny Malhotra
club record consecutive scoreless innings, Milwaukee Brewers, April 2013
home runs a season, on average, for Hank Aaron over his 23-year career
years since a CFL player scored a TD and made an interception in same game; Ticat linebacker Erik Harris did it Aug. 17 against Stampeders. The game also marked the first time that a player, Harris, caught a touchdown pass, made an interception AND sacked the quarterback.
million earned by actors Mark Wahlberg and Will Smith, from June 2013 to June 2014, tying them for ninth spot on list of Top 10, according to Forbes
Proposition __ “If a straight line touches a circle, and from the point of contact there is drawn across, in the circle, a straight line cutting the circle, then the angles which it makes with the tangent equal the angles in the alternate segments of the circle.” (Euclid)
Read carefully and memorize, there's a test tomorrow.
greatest unscripted movie scenes
types of dolphins that live in salt water (five other types live in fresh water)
senators dumped from federal Liberal caucus earlier this year by party leader Justin Trudeau
million gap in words spoken at home between children of professionals and children of parents on welfare by the time they reach age four.
Thought for the day: Why Brodeur wants to stick around
(Sept. 6, 2014)
“We do not cease to play because we grow old. We grow old because we cease to play.
-- George Bernard Shaw
(Sept. 6, 2014)
“We do not cease to play because we grow old. We grow old because we cease to play.
-- George Bernard Shaw
At home with the numbers guys
(June 12, 2013)
ABC has announced it’s bringing back I'm Dickens ... He's Fenster, only this time the sitcom is about the antics of two lovable hockey stats freaks, I'm Corsi ... He's Fenwick.
Fenwick: Jim, we got more nasty emails today saying our systems stink and we’re a pair of idiots. I’m beginning to think they’re right. You can’t ignore that many people saying the same thing. The numbers don’t lie. Maybe we are missing something.
Corsi: Maybe YOU are, I’m not. Keeping track of blocked shots IS statistically relevant.
Fenwick: Aw, let’s not get into that again. Let’s face it, we’re never going to agree on that point.
Corsi: Point! That’s it, shots from the point! Have you been keeping track of those?
Fenwick: No. A shot’s a shot, who cares where it comes from?
Corsi: But that’s just it! A shot from centre ice, for example, isn’t likely to score, Jacque Lemaire’s goal in Game 7 of the 1971 Stanley Cup final being the exception that proves the rule.
Same with a shot from a sharp angle, the chances are pretty slim
Fenwick: Unless you’re Patrick Sharp. So what’s your point?
Corsi: The point is my point. You know how Don Cherry goes on and on about how important shots from the point are, well, the old coot just might be onto something. Maybe we should factor that into our computations.
Fenwick: You know, you could be right. If we went back through all the game data, say, for the last five years and isolated the shots from the point, we could determine if there is a statistical connection between the number of shots from just inside the blue line and the number of goals a team scores.
Corsi: Ooooh, I’m starting to tingle. This could prove once and for all that we know what we’re talking about, and that our detractors are idiots.
Fenwick: Yeah, I like that. Maybe THAT’S a relevant statistic. The more people who think that you’re wrong, the more likely it is that you’re right.
Corsi: Well, I’ve always thought that. But I’ve never taken the time to compile the numbers to back that up.
Fenwick: Not a problem. I’ve been keeping tally. As of an hour ago, we have received 2,479,711 emails and four letters calling us a jerks with 1,642,580 telling us to get a life.
Corsi: How many saying we’re on the right track?
Fenwick: Lemme see, I put that postcard some place.
Corsi: Never mind. Let’s get started on those point shots.
Fenwick: Right! But just the ones that get through, right?
Corsi: No, no, no! Include the ones that get blocked as well!
Fenwick: Why??!!! You block a shot at the point, YOU’RE the one that’s going to get a good scoring chance, not the team on the power play!
Corsi: Or the guy doing the blocking could go down with a broken leg and now you’re up two players inside the zone!
Fenwick: Yeah, well, how often does that happen, remember
[Fade from scene, with Corsi, Fenwick yelling over each other, holding up their iPhones in each other’s face, pointing to webpages crammed with NHL data ...]
Full disclosure: I know hardly anything about either statistical system, and understand even less, so take what’s written with a huge grain of salt. I might have distorted the substance of their arguments and ignored important details a teensy-weensy bit.
Partial disclosure: I wrote this in my skivvies.
(June 12, 2013)
ABC has announced it’s bringing back I'm Dickens ... He's Fenster, only this time the sitcom is about the antics of two lovable hockey stats freaks, I'm Corsi ... He's Fenwick.
Fenwick: Jim, we got more nasty emails today saying our systems stink and we’re a pair of idiots. I’m beginning to think they’re right. You can’t ignore that many people saying the same thing. The numbers don’t lie. Maybe we are missing something.
Corsi: Maybe YOU are, I’m not. Keeping track of blocked shots IS statistically relevant.
Fenwick: Aw, let’s not get into that again. Let’s face it, we’re never going to agree on that point.
Corsi: Point! That’s it, shots from the point! Have you been keeping track of those?
Fenwick: No. A shot’s a shot, who cares where it comes from?
Corsi: But that’s just it! A shot from centre ice, for example, isn’t likely to score, Jacque Lemaire’s goal in Game 7 of the 1971 Stanley Cup final being the exception that proves the rule.
Same with a shot from a sharp angle, the chances are pretty slim
Fenwick: Unless you’re Patrick Sharp. So what’s your point?
Corsi: The point is my point. You know how Don Cherry goes on and on about how important shots from the point are, well, the old coot just might be onto something. Maybe we should factor that into our computations.
Fenwick: You know, you could be right. If we went back through all the game data, say, for the last five years and isolated the shots from the point, we could determine if there is a statistical connection between the number of shots from just inside the blue line and the number of goals a team scores.
Corsi: Ooooh, I’m starting to tingle. This could prove once and for all that we know what we’re talking about, and that our detractors are idiots.
Fenwick: Yeah, I like that. Maybe THAT’S a relevant statistic. The more people who think that you’re wrong, the more likely it is that you’re right.
Corsi: Well, I’ve always thought that. But I’ve never taken the time to compile the numbers to back that up.
Fenwick: Not a problem. I’ve been keeping tally. As of an hour ago, we have received 2,479,711 emails and four letters calling us a jerks with 1,642,580 telling us to get a life.
Corsi: How many saying we’re on the right track?
Fenwick: Lemme see, I put that postcard some place.
Corsi: Never mind. Let’s get started on those point shots.
Fenwick: Right! But just the ones that get through, right?
Corsi: No, no, no! Include the ones that get blocked as well!
Fenwick: Why??!!! You block a shot at the point, YOU’RE the one that’s going to get a good scoring chance, not the team on the power play!
Corsi: Or the guy doing the blocking could go down with a broken leg and now you’re up two players inside the zone!
Fenwick: Yeah, well, how often does that happen, remember
[Fade from scene, with Corsi, Fenwick yelling over each other, holding up their iPhones in each other’s face, pointing to webpages crammed with NHL data ...]
Full disclosure: I know hardly anything about either statistical system, and understand even less, so take what’s written with a huge grain of salt. I might have distorted the substance of their arguments and ignored important details a teensy-weensy bit.
Partial disclosure: I wrote this in my skivvies.
Just two guys sittin' around a bar broadcastin'
(8:50 a.m., Sept. 3, 2014)
Toronto – Shut out from showing NHL games played in Canada for the next 12 years, TSN plans to reach out to disaffected Montreal Canadiens fans and rebuild a national presence in hockey.
TSN president Stewart 'Stewie' Johnston announced today the network will simulcast its TSN Radio 690 coverage of Canadien games on TSN 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 so Hab fans across the country can continue to follow their favourite team live on TV.
“Now we can't show any of the game per se, for reasons we won't get into, but we can show another pretty good team in action – play-by-play commentator John Bartlett and analyst Sergio Momesso,”Johnston told reporters. “They'll make you feel like you're right there in the rink with the best seat in the building.”
TSN has been forced to improvise its coverage of the National Hockey League after its chief rival, Rogers, purchased all national broadcast rights for the next 12 years.
However, many Montreal fans are up in arms because they will not get to see the Canadiens play all 82 games, unless they are willing to pay a premium for the service or happen to reside in Belleville and points east.
Fans have said they feel “storiedly disenfranchised” and many have formed a protest group calling themselves WOBbers (West of Belleville).
"It's not fair," said one fan. "They've WOBbed us of games we used to be able to watch without it costing an arm and a leg."
TSN hopes to tap into that anger by offering them an alternative, using a vehicle already employed by itself and other networks to attain good audience numbers: the televising of a radio show.
Sportsnet's Prime Time Sports with Bob McCown is the most listened-to talk show in Canada and the TV portion simply shows the host and guests sitting around talking into mikes.
Not exactly riveting stuff but Johnston said the planned Canadien broadcasts will be “must-see TV.”
Bartlett and Momesso “will continue as they have, with John calling the play and Sergio contributing his insights, but we're going to give them a bigger budget to work with,” he said. “The set, even on the road, will be made to look like they're sitting at a bar, with John doing the play-by-play as if he's watching a big screen TV off-camera. Sergio will pipe up every so often with comments, just like your regular fan does, when he's not eating peanuts, or knocking back a beer. We're expecting by the end of the game he'll really open up and say some colourful insider stuff.”
Johnston said the show's producer will “spice things up a bit” by having a different waitress at each game take the men's orders and engage in some banter, especially during commercial breaks, when they'll work the sponsor's product into the conversation.
“We've already signed up Annie Petrillo for games at Toronto,” Johnston said.
“There will be guest commentators drop by and take a seat beside John and Sergio at the bar,” he added.
He's not too concerned fans will get frustrated not being able to watch the game itself.
“To be honest, there's usually not much stuff happening on the ice that fans will feel cheated not seeing,” Johnston said. “But you get a guy who can paint a word picture of the game the way John can and let the viewers use their imagination to complete the image, every match will become memorable.
“As for goals, fights, hits and other highlights, that won't be a problem,” he said. “TSN has tons of footage of Canadiens playing all 29 teams, and we've catalogued every kind of play you can imagine. As soon as a goal is scored, for example, our crack production team will be able to call up in mere seconds a clip that remotely resembles the play and run it on a big screen TV the guys have supposedly been watching.”
To make the deception less obvious, crew members will pretend they're patrons and walk in front of Bartlett and Mommeso as the replay is being shown, interfering with their, and the viewers', view.
“Sergio will make 'Siddown, ya bums!” his catch-phrase every time it happens, and fans will look forward to hearing him shout it out every broadcast,” Johnston said.
Intermission will see the two men join some 'friends' – fans whose names have been drawn – at a table to go over the game played to that point .
If any fan becomes too loud, rude and obnoxious, he'll be directed to go sit somewhere else on the set.
“We're calling it the Coach's Corner,” Johnston quipped.
(8:50 a.m., Sept. 3, 2014)
Toronto – Shut out from showing NHL games played in Canada for the next 12 years, TSN plans to reach out to disaffected Montreal Canadiens fans and rebuild a national presence in hockey.
TSN president Stewart 'Stewie' Johnston announced today the network will simulcast its TSN Radio 690 coverage of Canadien games on TSN 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 so Hab fans across the country can continue to follow their favourite team live on TV.
“Now we can't show any of the game per se, for reasons we won't get into, but we can show another pretty good team in action – play-by-play commentator John Bartlett and analyst Sergio Momesso,”Johnston told reporters. “They'll make you feel like you're right there in the rink with the best seat in the building.”
TSN has been forced to improvise its coverage of the National Hockey League after its chief rival, Rogers, purchased all national broadcast rights for the next 12 years.
However, many Montreal fans are up in arms because they will not get to see the Canadiens play all 82 games, unless they are willing to pay a premium for the service or happen to reside in Belleville and points east.
Fans have said they feel “storiedly disenfranchised” and many have formed a protest group calling themselves WOBbers (West of Belleville).
"It's not fair," said one fan. "They've WOBbed us of games we used to be able to watch without it costing an arm and a leg."
TSN hopes to tap into that anger by offering them an alternative, using a vehicle already employed by itself and other networks to attain good audience numbers: the televising of a radio show.
Sportsnet's Prime Time Sports with Bob McCown is the most listened-to talk show in Canada and the TV portion simply shows the host and guests sitting around talking into mikes.
Not exactly riveting stuff but Johnston said the planned Canadien broadcasts will be “must-see TV.”
Bartlett and Momesso “will continue as they have, with John calling the play and Sergio contributing his insights, but we're going to give them a bigger budget to work with,” he said. “The set, even on the road, will be made to look like they're sitting at a bar, with John doing the play-by-play as if he's watching a big screen TV off-camera. Sergio will pipe up every so often with comments, just like your regular fan does, when he's not eating peanuts, or knocking back a beer. We're expecting by the end of the game he'll really open up and say some colourful insider stuff.”
Johnston said the show's producer will “spice things up a bit” by having a different waitress at each game take the men's orders and engage in some banter, especially during commercial breaks, when they'll work the sponsor's product into the conversation.
“We've already signed up Annie Petrillo for games at Toronto,” Johnston said.
“There will be guest commentators drop by and take a seat beside John and Sergio at the bar,” he added.
He's not too concerned fans will get frustrated not being able to watch the game itself.
“To be honest, there's usually not much stuff happening on the ice that fans will feel cheated not seeing,” Johnston said. “But you get a guy who can paint a word picture of the game the way John can and let the viewers use their imagination to complete the image, every match will become memorable.
“As for goals, fights, hits and other highlights, that won't be a problem,” he said. “TSN has tons of footage of Canadiens playing all 29 teams, and we've catalogued every kind of play you can imagine. As soon as a goal is scored, for example, our crack production team will be able to call up in mere seconds a clip that remotely resembles the play and run it on a big screen TV the guys have supposedly been watching.”
To make the deception less obvious, crew members will pretend they're patrons and walk in front of Bartlett and Mommeso as the replay is being shown, interfering with their, and the viewers', view.
“Sergio will make 'Siddown, ya bums!” his catch-phrase every time it happens, and fans will look forward to hearing him shout it out every broadcast,” Johnston said.
Intermission will see the two men join some 'friends' – fans whose names have been drawn – at a table to go over the game played to that point .
If any fan becomes too loud, rude and obnoxious, he'll be directed to go sit somewhere else on the set.
“We're calling it the Coach's Corner,” Johnston quipped.
How to rate teams the right way
(Nov. 29, 2011)
There are all sorts of systems for analyzing hockey statistics out there – and, believe me, some of them are really out there – but guys like Corsi, Fenwick and Whiplash really miss the boat. The bottom line is hockey is supposed to entertain and all those stats the number crunchers collect and interpret don’t really tell you if the game and the players were entertaining.
It’s a gap that needs filling. Learning Mulder won 37 per cent of his face-offs, directed seven shots at the net but only had one make it through, was on the ice for 14:23 (7:54 of which was in the offensive zone), and spat 17 times in the second period says something but not whether he brought a smile to your face or drew a curse from your lips.
What’s needed are Nielsen ratings for hockey games, where a sample group of astute, impartial fans record their enjoyment/disappointment electronically. Using a joy/joyless stick, these game monitors will instantaneously register their responses to a nice pass, stupid turnover, clean body check, dumb penalty, slick goal, terrific save, close-ups of Lucic, etc.
Plus and minus points would be awarded, according to whether the viewer responded positively and negatively. By game’s end, there would be consensus whether the game shone or stunk. But there would be a running tally as well so people arriving home after the game started or people at work could decide to sit down to enjoy the rest of the game or to get back to directing air traffic.
What are the odds that teams’ ratings would correspond to their standings?
(Nov. 29, 2011)
There are all sorts of systems for analyzing hockey statistics out there – and, believe me, some of them are really out there – but guys like Corsi, Fenwick and Whiplash really miss the boat. The bottom line is hockey is supposed to entertain and all those stats the number crunchers collect and interpret don’t really tell you if the game and the players were entertaining.
It’s a gap that needs filling. Learning Mulder won 37 per cent of his face-offs, directed seven shots at the net but only had one make it through, was on the ice for 14:23 (7:54 of which was in the offensive zone), and spat 17 times in the second period says something but not whether he brought a smile to your face or drew a curse from your lips.
What’s needed are Nielsen ratings for hockey games, where a sample group of astute, impartial fans record their enjoyment/disappointment electronically. Using a joy/joyless stick, these game monitors will instantaneously register their responses to a nice pass, stupid turnover, clean body check, dumb penalty, slick goal, terrific save, close-ups of Lucic, etc.
Plus and minus points would be awarded, according to whether the viewer responded positively and negatively. By game’s end, there would be consensus whether the game shone or stunk. But there would be a running tally as well so people arriving home after the game started or people at work could decide to sit down to enjoy the rest of the game or to get back to directing air traffic.
What are the odds that teams’ ratings would correspond to their standings?
The heat is on to pick up the offence
(Dec. 29, 2013)
The solution to Montreal’s anemic five-on-five offence is staring us right in the face. Well, mine anyways, because it’s in front of a computer screen filled with Google results for the inquiry: ‘What can the Canadiens do to generate offence when playing at even strength?’
Incredibly, there’s a product on the market that was created to deal with a dearth of goal scoring: HotHands©.
Most hand warmers combine iron powder, water, salt, activated charcoal and vermiculite to generate heat but the makers of HotHands© add a goal scorer’s touch, by mixing in an extract of Bossy, a tincture of Lafleur, a distillation of Hull, and a trace of Ciccarelli (a notoriously unstable substance but considered worth the risk).
Attached to players’ hockey gloves, HotHands® produce remarkable results, even for players burdened with stone hands.
Studies have shown users of the unique hand warmers increase their goal output by 27 per cent – in the first period alone.
“I’ve got a goal already this season,” said Scott Gomez, of the Florida Panthers, who play host to the Canadiens tonight. “I’m half-way there to matching my season totals for the last two years. I can’t say enough about HotHands ®.”
Gomez hadn’t scored until he decided one night to try HotHands® to break out of a scoring slump.
(He also broke out in a rash which he was able to clear up using a special cream HotHands® recommends for such cases.)
Problem solved.
Next up: Is there anything out there that can stiffen players’ resolve to attack the net, and barge into the corners, consequences be damned?
Hmmm, what’s this? BackBone®.
I’ll get back to ya.
(Dec. 29, 2013)
The solution to Montreal’s anemic five-on-five offence is staring us right in the face. Well, mine anyways, because it’s in front of a computer screen filled with Google results for the inquiry: ‘What can the Canadiens do to generate offence when playing at even strength?’
Incredibly, there’s a product on the market that was created to deal with a dearth of goal scoring: HotHands©.
Most hand warmers combine iron powder, water, salt, activated charcoal and vermiculite to generate heat but the makers of HotHands© add a goal scorer’s touch, by mixing in an extract of Bossy, a tincture of Lafleur, a distillation of Hull, and a trace of Ciccarelli (a notoriously unstable substance but considered worth the risk).
Attached to players’ hockey gloves, HotHands® produce remarkable results, even for players burdened with stone hands.
Studies have shown users of the unique hand warmers increase their goal output by 27 per cent – in the first period alone.
“I’ve got a goal already this season,” said Scott Gomez, of the Florida Panthers, who play host to the Canadiens tonight. “I’m half-way there to matching my season totals for the last two years. I can’t say enough about HotHands ®.”
Gomez hadn’t scored until he decided one night to try HotHands® to break out of a scoring slump.
(He also broke out in a rash which he was able to clear up using a special cream HotHands® recommends for such cases.)
Problem solved.
Next up: Is there anything out there that can stiffen players’ resolve to attack the net, and barge into the corners, consequences be damned?
Hmmm, what’s this? BackBone®.
I’ll get back to ya.
Who will be captain is questionable
(9:45 a.m., Aug. 12, 2014)
My sources tell me the Canadiens will let the players choose the next captain, but management will decide who are the candidates the players will vote on.
The screening process involves a questionnaire.
Here is what those interested in the job will be asked:
A schism develops in the dressing room that threatens to undermine the team's efforts to qualify for post-season play. Do you:
1.) Meet the leader of each faction separately and then together to impress upon them the importance of the team remaining united?
2.) Call a closed door meeting in which all players are given the opportunity to air their differences in order to mediate a truce?
3.) Find out what the issues are, come up with solutions, put them into effect, and then monitor the situation?
4.) Make management aware there might be a 'problem' in the making and that so-and-so 'probably' would like to be traded.
A referee calls a questionable delay of game penalty against your team in the late stages of a tied contest that will decide who makes it into the playoffs. Do you:
1.) Strongly suggest the official confer with his colleagues as to whether the puck cleared the glass partition or in fact nicked the top on its exit?
2.) Enumerate the different ways the referee's judgement is in error, by jabbing a finger into his chest with each point made.
3.) Angrily dispute the call, urging the referee to reconsider his call, and making sure you have his undivided attention by holding him in a headlock?
4.) Slew foot him as a form of protest, knowing the referee won't reverse his call – but might make him think twice about blowing his whistle the next time there's a borderline play involving a Canadien?
It's come to your attention that a couple of the young players have fallen in with the wrong crowd which puts them in jeopardy of being led astray, by alcohol, drugs, gambling and loose women. Do you:
1.) Sit down with the players and point out the errors of their ways, and make it clear they need to sever relations with their 'friends' or see their careers go down the drain?
2.) Ask for the names, addresses and phone numbers of the people who are said to be having a poor influence on the players, in order to make inquiries of your own to determine the accuracy of the rumours?
3.) Invite ex-Habs, who can call upon their own experiences with the seedier charms of the Montreal night life, to counsel the players at risk? (To give their talks greater relevance than dated memories can provide, do you refresh the lessons they once learned by escorting the former reprobates on a tour of said night life as they might have done 20, 30 years ago?)
4.) Draw attention to the baleful influence being exercised by shady figures in a special report attached to the dossier on player personnel filed weekly with management?
The team is in a terrible slump and reporters are becoming more aggressive in their questioning. After an especially dispiriting loss, do you:
1.) Remain level-headed and answer questions with candour, saying the players need to regroup and apply themselves with greater vigour to ending the losing streak by getting back to basics?
2.) Make subtle references to the failures of certain colleagues, without naming names or numbering numbers.
3.) Give scathing responses intended to show the competitive fires still burn brightly despite a 12-game winless streak, and that this line of questioning, if pursued further, is likely to result in bodily harm to the ones doing the asking?
4.) Affirm your allegiance to the coach despite a spectacular record of failure, to demonstrate your loyalty to the team, and in particular management whose decision making you've never had reason to doubt and have always been impressed by.
You're asked to say a few words in French for a public service announcement to be broadcast on television. Do you:
1.) Readily agree, since you're bilingual?
2.) Reluctantly agree, seeing as your first French lesson isn't until tomorrow?
3.) Agree, figuring how hard can it be to say something with a French accent?
4.) Steadfastly refuse, saying that's what subtitles are for?
It's evident the coach has lost the dressing room. Do you:
1.) Hold a closed-door, players-only meeting to quell the unrest?
2.) Hold a closed-door, players-only meeting to share anecdotes about his ineptitude, and then leak some of the comments anonymously?
3.) Hold a closed-door, players-only meeting to come up with your own line combinations, penalty killing and power play units?
4.) Invite the coach to a closed-door meeting and then lock the door?
(9:45 a.m., Aug. 12, 2014)
My sources tell me the Canadiens will let the players choose the next captain, but management will decide who are the candidates the players will vote on.
The screening process involves a questionnaire.
Here is what those interested in the job will be asked:
A schism develops in the dressing room that threatens to undermine the team's efforts to qualify for post-season play. Do you:
1.) Meet the leader of each faction separately and then together to impress upon them the importance of the team remaining united?
2.) Call a closed door meeting in which all players are given the opportunity to air their differences in order to mediate a truce?
3.) Find out what the issues are, come up with solutions, put them into effect, and then monitor the situation?
4.) Make management aware there might be a 'problem' in the making and that so-and-so 'probably' would like to be traded.
A referee calls a questionable delay of game penalty against your team in the late stages of a tied contest that will decide who makes it into the playoffs. Do you:
1.) Strongly suggest the official confer with his colleagues as to whether the puck cleared the glass partition or in fact nicked the top on its exit?
2.) Enumerate the different ways the referee's judgement is in error, by jabbing a finger into his chest with each point made.
3.) Angrily dispute the call, urging the referee to reconsider his call, and making sure you have his undivided attention by holding him in a headlock?
4.) Slew foot him as a form of protest, knowing the referee won't reverse his call – but might make him think twice about blowing his whistle the next time there's a borderline play involving a Canadien?
It's come to your attention that a couple of the young players have fallen in with the wrong crowd which puts them in jeopardy of being led astray, by alcohol, drugs, gambling and loose women. Do you:
1.) Sit down with the players and point out the errors of their ways, and make it clear they need to sever relations with their 'friends' or see their careers go down the drain?
2.) Ask for the names, addresses and phone numbers of the people who are said to be having a poor influence on the players, in order to make inquiries of your own to determine the accuracy of the rumours?
3.) Invite ex-Habs, who can call upon their own experiences with the seedier charms of the Montreal night life, to counsel the players at risk? (To give their talks greater relevance than dated memories can provide, do you refresh the lessons they once learned by escorting the former reprobates on a tour of said night life as they might have done 20, 30 years ago?)
4.) Draw attention to the baleful influence being exercised by shady figures in a special report attached to the dossier on player personnel filed weekly with management?
The team is in a terrible slump and reporters are becoming more aggressive in their questioning. After an especially dispiriting loss, do you:
1.) Remain level-headed and answer questions with candour, saying the players need to regroup and apply themselves with greater vigour to ending the losing streak by getting back to basics?
2.) Make subtle references to the failures of certain colleagues, without naming names or numbering numbers.
3.) Give scathing responses intended to show the competitive fires still burn brightly despite a 12-game winless streak, and that this line of questioning, if pursued further, is likely to result in bodily harm to the ones doing the asking?
4.) Affirm your allegiance to the coach despite a spectacular record of failure, to demonstrate your loyalty to the team, and in particular management whose decision making you've never had reason to doubt and have always been impressed by.
You're asked to say a few words in French for a public service announcement to be broadcast on television. Do you:
1.) Readily agree, since you're bilingual?
2.) Reluctantly agree, seeing as your first French lesson isn't until tomorrow?
3.) Agree, figuring how hard can it be to say something with a French accent?
4.) Steadfastly refuse, saying that's what subtitles are for?
It's evident the coach has lost the dressing room. Do you:
1.) Hold a closed-door, players-only meeting to quell the unrest?
2.) Hold a closed-door, players-only meeting to share anecdotes about his ineptitude, and then leak some of the comments anonymously?
3.) Hold a closed-door, players-only meeting to come up with your own line combinations, penalty killing and power play units?
4.) Invite the coach to a closed-door meeting and then lock the door?
Search your memory, not the web
(9 a.m., Aug. 16, 2014)
Fill in the blank quiz for hockey fans of all types
Novice
Vancouver Canuck_
A ____ is scored when the puck crosses the ____ line.
The Conn Smythe Trophy is named after _________
Average
Anaheim _ucks
A _____ is called when a player crosses the line.
The V_ _ina Trophy is awarded to the league's top ____________.
Above average
Montreal Canadi_ns
No joke, Rocket Richard, Elmer Lach and Toe Blake were known as the _____ Line
Frank _ Selke Trophy
Expert
Philadelphia F______s
_______ once appeared on What's My Line
Clarence S. Campbell _______.
(9 a.m., Aug. 16, 2014)
Fill in the blank quiz for hockey fans of all types
Novice
Vancouver Canuck_
A ____ is scored when the puck crosses the ____ line.
The Conn Smythe Trophy is named after _________
Average
Anaheim _ucks
A _____ is called when a player crosses the line.
The V_ _ina Trophy is awarded to the league's top ____________.
Above average
Montreal Canadi_ns
No joke, Rocket Richard, Elmer Lach and Toe Blake were known as the _____ Line
Frank _ Selke Trophy
Expert
Philadelphia F______s
_______ once appeared on What's My Line
Clarence S. Campbell _______.
From The Vault:
I'm your man, says Burke
(April 2012)
TORONTO – Leafs GM Brian Burke has given the Montreal Canadiens permission to talk to him about becoming their next general manager.
“This is a team in trouble, and I think I’m the man who can help bring back their glory,” Burke told a lineup at Starbucks. “I know they’re looking for a fellow who can speak French and I’ll be upfront with you – Caffè Americano, please – I’m not a francophone, but I am frank. I speak my mind and then some, and Montreal could use a straight-shooter.
“And don’t forget, I’m a Harvard Law School graduate, so learning French won’t be a problem. I’ll be truculently fluent and fluently truculent by the end of the summer, just you wait – could I have a Petites Cherry Pie? Merci, See how it easy it is? Hey, wait a minute, make that a Petites Apple Pie! Cherry leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”
The Leafs GM was berated by several customers about “jumping ship” while many more others cheered his announcement but Burke huffily defended his move, while sipping from a cup of arrogance and nibbling on some indignation.
“Abandon ship??? What are you talking about? This team is well-positioned to make a run for the Stanley Cup. If I were to go, this team would be left in great shape. Folks, I’m the architect responsible for Vancouver Canucks making the Stanley Cup finals last season – who drafted the Sedins, remember? – and I put the finishing touches on the Anaheim team that won it in 2007. My work here is done, it’s Montreal that now can use my guiding hand. I see a team a piece or two away from winning it all, and I know I can pull it all together.”
Burke also played the Irish card, noting he and the founder of the Montreal Canadiens, J. Ambrose O’Brien, can trace their ancestry to the Emerald Isle.
“I’m proud of my roots, just like the Canadiens are proud of their roots. I make a point of talking up the country of my forefathers whenever I can. People who know me will tell you that. They say I raise Eire wherever I go.”
“And if I went to Montreal, you can bet I would there, too.”
I'm your man, says Burke
(April 2012)
TORONTO – Leafs GM Brian Burke has given the Montreal Canadiens permission to talk to him about becoming their next general manager.
“This is a team in trouble, and I think I’m the man who can help bring back their glory,” Burke told a lineup at Starbucks. “I know they’re looking for a fellow who can speak French and I’ll be upfront with you – Caffè Americano, please – I’m not a francophone, but I am frank. I speak my mind and then some, and Montreal could use a straight-shooter.
“And don’t forget, I’m a Harvard Law School graduate, so learning French won’t be a problem. I’ll be truculently fluent and fluently truculent by the end of the summer, just you wait – could I have a Petites Cherry Pie? Merci, See how it easy it is? Hey, wait a minute, make that a Petites Apple Pie! Cherry leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”
The Leafs GM was berated by several customers about “jumping ship” while many more others cheered his announcement but Burke huffily defended his move, while sipping from a cup of arrogance and nibbling on some indignation.
“Abandon ship??? What are you talking about? This team is well-positioned to make a run for the Stanley Cup. If I were to go, this team would be left in great shape. Folks, I’m the architect responsible for Vancouver Canucks making the Stanley Cup finals last season – who drafted the Sedins, remember? – and I put the finishing touches on the Anaheim team that won it in 2007. My work here is done, it’s Montreal that now can use my guiding hand. I see a team a piece or two away from winning it all, and I know I can pull it all together.”
Burke also played the Irish card, noting he and the founder of the Montreal Canadiens, J. Ambrose O’Brien, can trace their ancestry to the Emerald Isle.
“I’m proud of my roots, just like the Canadiens are proud of their roots. I make a point of talking up the country of my forefathers whenever I can. People who know me will tell you that. They say I raise Eire wherever I go.”
“And if I went to Montreal, you can bet I would there, too.”
In search of the unified rink theory
(July 19, 2014)
You might — then again, might not — be interested to know that I am currently working on a system of metrics to add to the collection of statistical evidence that will assist in acquiring a more nuanced understanding of a player’s performance.
It’s a labour of love.
Here are the areas I will be looking at this season:
– The number of times a goaltender drops to his knees multiplied by the length of time he remains in that position divided by the number of goals he allows
– the height, weight and wingspan differential between players taking faceoffs related to degree of success, such that it can be said, for example, a player who weighs five pounds more, is two inches taller and has a three inch advantage from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other is 13.7 per cent more likely to win a faceoff
– the number of posts hit for every 50 shots taken
– the percentage of puck battles won along the boards with regard to the ethnicity of the combatants
– a running total of the number of sticks broken by a player, distinguishing between those that were his and those that were others’.
– ratio between helmet size and assists (category 1), and between jockstrap dimensions and fighting majors (category 2)
– a breakdown of each player’s penalty total, based on where committed (offensive zone, defensive zone, neutral zone, in the stands)
– a graphic display showing the preferred angle of a player’s passes (a lateral pass being zero degrees, a pass straight ahead being 90 degrees, a pass to a player slightly off to the left being 115 degrees, and so on)
– similarly, a visual representation of where a player’s pass is likely to be received by the intended target (eg, tape on stick, in his feet, just behind his skates, off his head)
– total distance covered over the course of a season to acknowledge fans’ applause after being named a star
Further, I will be recommending that the National Hockey League install GPS units in pucks and skates, so accurate data can be obtained on where players are exactlypositioned when the puck crosses the goal line.
Let me make clear what the goal of all this effort is: a unified theory of hockey analysis that will provide a full measure of a player’s worth not open to dispute.
As I always say, the more informed a fan is the more he will enjoy reading the game stats afterwards.
(July 19, 2014)
You might — then again, might not — be interested to know that I am currently working on a system of metrics to add to the collection of statistical evidence that will assist in acquiring a more nuanced understanding of a player’s performance.
It’s a labour of love.
Here are the areas I will be looking at this season:
– The number of times a goaltender drops to his knees multiplied by the length of time he remains in that position divided by the number of goals he allows
– the height, weight and wingspan differential between players taking faceoffs related to degree of success, such that it can be said, for example, a player who weighs five pounds more, is two inches taller and has a three inch advantage from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other is 13.7 per cent more likely to win a faceoff
– the number of posts hit for every 50 shots taken
– the percentage of puck battles won along the boards with regard to the ethnicity of the combatants
– a running total of the number of sticks broken by a player, distinguishing between those that were his and those that were others’.
– ratio between helmet size and assists (category 1), and between jockstrap dimensions and fighting majors (category 2)
– a breakdown of each player’s penalty total, based on where committed (offensive zone, defensive zone, neutral zone, in the stands)
– a graphic display showing the preferred angle of a player’s passes (a lateral pass being zero degrees, a pass straight ahead being 90 degrees, a pass to a player slightly off to the left being 115 degrees, and so on)
– similarly, a visual representation of where a player’s pass is likely to be received by the intended target (eg, tape on stick, in his feet, just behind his skates, off his head)
– total distance covered over the course of a season to acknowledge fans’ applause after being named a star
Further, I will be recommending that the National Hockey League install GPS units in pucks and skates, so accurate data can be obtained on where players are exactlypositioned when the puck crosses the goal line.
Let me make clear what the goal of all this effort is: a unified theory of hockey analysis that will provide a full measure of a player’s worth not open to dispute.
As I always say, the more informed a fan is the more he will enjoy reading the game stats afterwards.
Search for assistant coach has ceased
(July 11, 2014)
Well, it looks like the Habs GM will have to go with Plan B (really, does he have any other kind?) now that the Leafs have scooped up Marlies coach Steve Spott and former Florida Panthers head coach Peter Horachek as assistant coaches.
See what happens, MB, when you dither and you dawdle (you end up reading this kind of twaddle).
Okay, Big Guy, so what IS the plan now? Who’s it going to B?
Ken Dryden?!!! Wow! What’s that? He has a good rapport with the Canadiens’ next captain, knows how to communicate, has won the Cup and individual awards, is an officer of the Order of Canada so he can lay down the law, and, according to Wikipedia, “teaches a Canadian Studies course entitled ‘Thinking the Future to Make the Future’, which focuses on issues facing Canada in the future and possible solutions to them,” which makes him a forward thinker (who knows something about how to stop goals as well).
And he’s been itching to write a sequel to The Game but this time from a coach’s perspective?
MB, you’re a genius.
So what’s the hold-up, why haven’t you announced the hiring?
Oh, Ken’s still working on the news release. Gotcha.
Search for assistant coach has ceased
(July 11, 2014)
Well, it looks like the Habs GM will have to go with Plan B (really, does he have any other kind?) now that the Leafs have scooped up Marlies coach Steve Spott and former Florida Panthers head coach Peter Horachek as assistant coaches.
See what happens, MB, when you dither and you dawdle (you end up reading this kind of twaddle).
Okay, Big Guy, so what IS the plan now? Who’s it going to B?
Ken Dryden?!!! Wow! What’s that? He has a good rapport with the Canadiens’ next captain, knows how to communicate, has won the Cup and individual awards, is an officer of the Order of Canada so he can lay down the law, and, according to Wikipedia, “teaches a Canadian Studies course entitled ‘Thinking the Future to Make the Future’, which focuses on issues facing Canada in the future and possible solutions to them,” which makes him a forward thinker (who knows something about how to stop goals as well).
And he’s been itching to write a sequel to The Game but this time from a coach’s perspective?
MB, you’re a genius.
So what’s the hold-up, why haven’t you announced the hiring?
Oh, Ken’s still working on the news release. Gotcha.
One in a multitude of Canadiens' post-mortems
(June 1, 2014)
Coroner: Okay, wheel the body over.
[Looks at the tag on corpse's big toe] MC201314. Okay, whatta we got here, Sam? What's the deceased's story?
Sam [reads from document on clipboard]: Passed away last night. [Reads further]. He got blanked.
Coroner [stunned]: Blanked? He got killed with blanks?
[Pulls sheet back from the head down to the chest and does a quick scan] I don't see any wounds from gunfire of any kind, real or otherwise.
Sam: Sorry. Used jargon from the deceased's occupation. He's – he was – a hockey player. Guys who brought him said it must have been exhaustion that killed him. Had no zip at the end. No punch. His time ran out.
Coroner: Time ran out? Are they saying it was natural causes? Did he collapse?
Sam: No, no, said it all started when he suffered what they called 'a lower body' injury more than a week ago. Never fully recovered from that. Had spells where he showed signs of improvement, after he was given some new blood and seemed to pick up for a while. It all proved too much in the end, though; by then other parts started failing, and he had nothing left to give.
Coroner [pulls back the sheet to uncover the entire body and stares at it in disbelief, exhaling heavily]: I can see why. Look at this.
[Summons Sam to join him by his side, and begins pointing to massive areas of discoloration on the corpse's shoulders, arms, chest, thighs, knees, shins, ankles, toes, then rolls the body onto its stomach, back, buttocks, and calves, turns the body over once more on its back, and then spots something].
Look at that! [points to the corpse's genitalia]. He's been violated!
Good god, there's only one conclusion to all these contusions -- this fellow was the victim of massive assaults [closely examines the bruised areas] OVER THE PAST TWO MONTHS! Why weren't the authorities notified?
Sam: Notified? [looks at notes] The authorities scheduled it! And they don't call it assaults, they call it ... [back to the notes] hockey plays!
Coroner: You've got to be kidding! Un-effing-believable! Look at him, he looks like he's been pummelled left, right and centre! I don't understand. Why would anyone put himself through this? Tell me some more about his background.
Sam [flipping through pages of notes,columns,blogs, and medical charts signed by doctors Corsi and Fenwick]: Well, going back to last October, no one gave him much of a chance to last this long, said he was soft, undersized – no, no, not there, heightwise – and 'didn't have a good head on his shoulders.' Said he'd be lucky to be alive by the time April rolled around.
Coroner [massaging the head, feeling for evidence of past injuries].: Good grief, this guy has had multiple concussions.
[Begins prodding and poking all over the upper body] Won't know until we start cutting, but I'd be surprised if there are more than two, three parts we could salvage for organ transplant.
[Continues to prod and poke when all of a sudden one eye opens, a finger twitches, a toe begins to wriggle]
Coroner: Whaaaaaaaaat???
[Prods and pokes some more, a bit hesitantly, with good reason. The other eye opens, one hand makes and unmakes a fist, and several more toes, and other parts, too, begin to wriggle. The player sits up, swings his legs over the gurney, shakes his head and makes that whubba-whubba-whubba-whubba noise with his lips. He presses down on the gurney and lifts himself off onto his feet. Unsteady at first, he takes a few tentative steps and then wobbles out the door.
Coroner [stunned]: Omigawd, I thought he was dead! Where's he going?
Sam [flips through the pages on the clipboard until he comes to the end]: To get ready for training camp.
(June 1, 2014)
Coroner: Okay, wheel the body over.
[Looks at the tag on corpse's big toe] MC201314. Okay, whatta we got here, Sam? What's the deceased's story?
Sam [reads from document on clipboard]: Passed away last night. [Reads further]. He got blanked.
Coroner [stunned]: Blanked? He got killed with blanks?
[Pulls sheet back from the head down to the chest and does a quick scan] I don't see any wounds from gunfire of any kind, real or otherwise.
Sam: Sorry. Used jargon from the deceased's occupation. He's – he was – a hockey player. Guys who brought him said it must have been exhaustion that killed him. Had no zip at the end. No punch. His time ran out.
Coroner: Time ran out? Are they saying it was natural causes? Did he collapse?
Sam: No, no, said it all started when he suffered what they called 'a lower body' injury more than a week ago. Never fully recovered from that. Had spells where he showed signs of improvement, after he was given some new blood and seemed to pick up for a while. It all proved too much in the end, though; by then other parts started failing, and he had nothing left to give.
Coroner [pulls back the sheet to uncover the entire body and stares at it in disbelief, exhaling heavily]: I can see why. Look at this.
[Summons Sam to join him by his side, and begins pointing to massive areas of discoloration on the corpse's shoulders, arms, chest, thighs, knees, shins, ankles, toes, then rolls the body onto its stomach, back, buttocks, and calves, turns the body over once more on its back, and then spots something].
Look at that! [points to the corpse's genitalia]. He's been violated!
Good god, there's only one conclusion to all these contusions -- this fellow was the victim of massive assaults [closely examines the bruised areas] OVER THE PAST TWO MONTHS! Why weren't the authorities notified?
Sam: Notified? [looks at notes] The authorities scheduled it! And they don't call it assaults, they call it ... [back to the notes] hockey plays!
Coroner: You've got to be kidding! Un-effing-believable! Look at him, he looks like he's been pummelled left, right and centre! I don't understand. Why would anyone put himself through this? Tell me some more about his background.
Sam [flipping through pages of notes,columns,blogs, and medical charts signed by doctors Corsi and Fenwick]: Well, going back to last October, no one gave him much of a chance to last this long, said he was soft, undersized – no, no, not there, heightwise – and 'didn't have a good head on his shoulders.' Said he'd be lucky to be alive by the time April rolled around.
Coroner [massaging the head, feeling for evidence of past injuries].: Good grief, this guy has had multiple concussions.
[Begins prodding and poking all over the upper body] Won't know until we start cutting, but I'd be surprised if there are more than two, three parts we could salvage for organ transplant.
[Continues to prod and poke when all of a sudden one eye opens, a finger twitches, a toe begins to wriggle]
Coroner: Whaaaaaaaaat???
[Prods and pokes some more, a bit hesitantly, with good reason. The other eye opens, one hand makes and unmakes a fist, and several more toes, and other parts, too, begin to wriggle. The player sits up, swings his legs over the gurney, shakes his head and makes that whubba-whubba-whubba-whubba noise with his lips. He presses down on the gurney and lifts himself off onto his feet. Unsteady at first, he takes a few tentative steps and then wobbles out the door.
Coroner [stunned]: Omigawd, I thought he was dead! Where's he going?
Sam [flips through the pages on the clipboard until he comes to the end]: To get ready for training camp.
Grouch's Corner: Part Two
(5 a.m., May 15, 2014)
Woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. Vision of sour cherries kept dancing through my head.
Howler of the night: Coach’s Corner, Don Cherry starts out by saying “I like to be fair.”
Honest, that’s what he said. “I like to be fair.”
Then he shows clip of Markov knocking Marchand into Price which results in a goalie interference penalty for the Bruin forward. Cherry thought Markov should have been called for high sticking. I’ll concede Marchand shouldn’t have been penalized. So valid point.
Next clip he shows is Gorges tripping up Smith in front of the net, when it appeared he was merely moving into position. MacLean had the temerity to suggest Smith was guilty of “ a bit of embellishment,” Cherry’s response: “Embellishment? Shut up!”
(“Remember, kids, when someone says something you don’t like, don’t waste your time trying to understand their point of view, tell them to shut up. No one’s smarter than you, got that? Manners are for sissies.”)
Next clip is of Emelin’s “semi slewfoot” on Marchand, and again he asks, “Is that not a penalty?”
Then he shows Marchand’s hit on Bournival, who did embellish being knocked over, and asks why the Montreal forward wasn’t called for unsportsmanlike conduct. Yes, Bournival did try to draw a penalty.
Still, four clips in a row, all of which show Montreal players in a bad light, and not a single, solitary one of a Boston player being guilty of similar transgressions, eg, Chara falling like a ton of bricks after being tapped on the foot by Gallagher before a faceoff.
Now to be fair to Cherry, he did acknowledge when prodded by MacLean that the Bruins were playing “dopey” hockey and that they needed “to get their act together.” The only Bruin singled out for criticism, however, was Rask, none of the North American players who were guilty of shoddy play as well on Montreal’s first goal.
And get this, at the end of the segment, he shows the infamous ‘hockey play” of Chara ramming Pacioretty into the stanchion — “This was a beauty! I don’t think Chara meant to do it.” — followed by a play from the sixth game in which Markov delivered a nice hip check that drove Lucic into the boards at the Bruins bench.
All this to say once again, as he had already done on a previous Coach’s Corner, what a “great job” Geoff Molson did to change the glass at the Bell Centre.
Huh?
In neither incident did the replay involve glass, and even if they had, what was the connection to the game at hand? They were more likely to evoke thoughts of Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass, with its altered perception of reality.
You can only conclude Cherry was looking for the flimsiest of reasons – tissue-thin at best – to show the Pacioretty hit in order to inflame Hab fans.
Cherry has a history of picking his spots when it comes to being critical. He has his favourite whipping boys while other players are off-limits.
He also detests being put on the spot so I can understand why he didn’t stick around for a post-game analysis of his beloved Bruins’ inglorious defeat.
Just like the jacket he was wearing, he’s yellow.
(5 a.m., May 15, 2014)
Woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. Vision of sour cherries kept dancing through my head.
Howler of the night: Coach’s Corner, Don Cherry starts out by saying “I like to be fair.”
Honest, that’s what he said. “I like to be fair.”
Then he shows clip of Markov knocking Marchand into Price which results in a goalie interference penalty for the Bruin forward. Cherry thought Markov should have been called for high sticking. I’ll concede Marchand shouldn’t have been penalized. So valid point.
Next clip he shows is Gorges tripping up Smith in front of the net, when it appeared he was merely moving into position. MacLean had the temerity to suggest Smith was guilty of “ a bit of embellishment,” Cherry’s response: “Embellishment? Shut up!”
(“Remember, kids, when someone says something you don’t like, don’t waste your time trying to understand their point of view, tell them to shut up. No one’s smarter than you, got that? Manners are for sissies.”)
Next clip is of Emelin’s “semi slewfoot” on Marchand, and again he asks, “Is that not a penalty?”
Then he shows Marchand’s hit on Bournival, who did embellish being knocked over, and asks why the Montreal forward wasn’t called for unsportsmanlike conduct. Yes, Bournival did try to draw a penalty.
Still, four clips in a row, all of which show Montreal players in a bad light, and not a single, solitary one of a Boston player being guilty of similar transgressions, eg, Chara falling like a ton of bricks after being tapped on the foot by Gallagher before a faceoff.
Now to be fair to Cherry, he did acknowledge when prodded by MacLean that the Bruins were playing “dopey” hockey and that they needed “to get their act together.” The only Bruin singled out for criticism, however, was Rask, none of the North American players who were guilty of shoddy play as well on Montreal’s first goal.
And get this, at the end of the segment, he shows the infamous ‘hockey play” of Chara ramming Pacioretty into the stanchion — “This was a beauty! I don’t think Chara meant to do it.” — followed by a play from the sixth game in which Markov delivered a nice hip check that drove Lucic into the boards at the Bruins bench.
All this to say once again, as he had already done on a previous Coach’s Corner, what a “great job” Geoff Molson did to change the glass at the Bell Centre.
Huh?
In neither incident did the replay involve glass, and even if they had, what was the connection to the game at hand? They were more likely to evoke thoughts of Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass, with its altered perception of reality.
You can only conclude Cherry was looking for the flimsiest of reasons – tissue-thin at best – to show the Pacioretty hit in order to inflame Hab fans.
Cherry has a history of picking his spots when it comes to being critical. He has his favourite whipping boys while other players are off-limits.
He also detests being put on the spot so I can understand why he didn’t stick around for a post-game analysis of his beloved Bruins’ inglorious defeat.
Just like the jacket he was wearing, he’s yellow.
Grouch's Corner: He's no Red Green
'Keep your stick off the ice, kids!'
(9:20 a.m. May 10, 2014)
Don Cherry. Enough already.
His first point in Coach's Corner in game four of the Montreal-Boston series: Bournival's “rookie mistake” in making “a nothing shot” rather than passing to a true sniper, Vanek. Legitimate point. No argument.
MacLean prefaces the next subject by referencing a subject Cherry raised the previous game, Subban "low bridging" Thorton, who was about to ram him from behind: “It's very important that we get this right because it sounds like you're advocating high sticking all the way but you were trying to mitigate against low bridges.”
Cherry's explanation: “If somebody's running at you, and trying to hurt you, you get the stick up. I'm not saying violence or anything.”
He then proceeds to show a clip of Thorton defending himself againt Weise who's about to deliver a check – from in front, mind you, not like Thorton's attempt to smash Subban into the boards from behind, which, interestingly Cherry chooses not to show again. At that point.
“Watch Thornton here, he knows what's going on ... Weise ran at him.”
The clip shows Thorton “getting the stick up on” Weise, who suffers a bloody lip, which draws a sympathetic response from Cherry -- “sorry he's cut and everything” -- who then quotes a player from yesteryear, Leo Labine, who once told an opponent, Butch Bouchard, “ You got 32 teeth, you want two?”
Too bad he didn't show Iginla's hit on Pacioretty earlier in the game as an object lesson: “See, kids, what happens when a guy charges you and slams you into the glass when your back's turned. Never turn your back, kids, but if you do, and you know you're about to get your head banged, be sure to give the other guy a butt end, you got that, a butt end to his chops to make him think twice about playing dirty hockey.”
But Cherry didn't say that. He moved onto his next subject: Gallager putting “on a little act,” when he got hit as the play was whistled dead and fell backwards on Campbell, rolling over him in slow motion. Instead of praising Gallagher finishing being checked – isn't that what all players are supposed to do, finish their checks, or somebody else's? -- he praises the referee for warning No. 11 “I know what you're doing, don't do it again. Do it again and I'm going to call you.
"That is terrific to me,” Cherry says
Of course it is, Don. A Hab player being reprimanded for an offence that pales in comparison to what the Bruins get away with.
Is there no footage of Marchand and Lucic being rebuked by an official for their 'acts”? Oh, right, that never happens.
Back to Cherry: “This is the way the game should be called.”
You mean not-called, Don, which suits the Bruins just fine.
Next, “a sage moment” by Cherry, in the words of MacLean, his complaint about the glass in Montreal once having been “the worst in the league” but was improved so players hit from behind don't get hurt. As hurt.
And get this, he NOW has the time to play the clip of Pacioretty getting pile-drived by Iginla.
“Geoff, you did a great job ... It's terrific glass.”
His advice to Linden: Get rid of the “cement” glass in Vancouver. “Save the players (from) injury.” How solicitous.
He moves on to talk about neck guards which he encourages kids to wear all the time when they're playing hockey. Same for NHL players. Good advice.
There was more – he took a swipe at Hockey Canada for “being political” in its choice of players for the world junior team – but I'd seen enough.
So, in just a few minutes of commentary, he took a swipe at a Hab rookie for making a mistake, congratulated a Bruin for sticking it to a Hab about to give a clean check, and praised the Habs' owner for changing the glass so his players won't be hurt as bad when they are rammed into it from behind.
The Bruins can do no wrong. And when the Canadiens do something right, vis-a-vis the glass, Cherry's praise still rankles.
Coach's Corner should be penalized. There's one too many men on the set.
'Keep your stick off the ice, kids!'
(9:20 a.m. May 10, 2014)
Don Cherry. Enough already.
His first point in Coach's Corner in game four of the Montreal-Boston series: Bournival's “rookie mistake” in making “a nothing shot” rather than passing to a true sniper, Vanek. Legitimate point. No argument.
MacLean prefaces the next subject by referencing a subject Cherry raised the previous game, Subban "low bridging" Thorton, who was about to ram him from behind: “It's very important that we get this right because it sounds like you're advocating high sticking all the way but you were trying to mitigate against low bridges.”
Cherry's explanation: “If somebody's running at you, and trying to hurt you, you get the stick up. I'm not saying violence or anything.”
He then proceeds to show a clip of Thorton defending himself againt Weise who's about to deliver a check – from in front, mind you, not like Thorton's attempt to smash Subban into the boards from behind, which, interestingly Cherry chooses not to show again. At that point.
“Watch Thornton here, he knows what's going on ... Weise ran at him.”
The clip shows Thorton “getting the stick up on” Weise, who suffers a bloody lip, which draws a sympathetic response from Cherry -- “sorry he's cut and everything” -- who then quotes a player from yesteryear, Leo Labine, who once told an opponent, Butch Bouchard, “ You got 32 teeth, you want two?”
Too bad he didn't show Iginla's hit on Pacioretty earlier in the game as an object lesson: “See, kids, what happens when a guy charges you and slams you into the glass when your back's turned. Never turn your back, kids, but if you do, and you know you're about to get your head banged, be sure to give the other guy a butt end, you got that, a butt end to his chops to make him think twice about playing dirty hockey.”
But Cherry didn't say that. He moved onto his next subject: Gallager putting “on a little act,” when he got hit as the play was whistled dead and fell backwards on Campbell, rolling over him in slow motion. Instead of praising Gallagher finishing being checked – isn't that what all players are supposed to do, finish their checks, or somebody else's? -- he praises the referee for warning No. 11 “I know what you're doing, don't do it again. Do it again and I'm going to call you.
"That is terrific to me,” Cherry says
Of course it is, Don. A Hab player being reprimanded for an offence that pales in comparison to what the Bruins get away with.
Is there no footage of Marchand and Lucic being rebuked by an official for their 'acts”? Oh, right, that never happens.
Back to Cherry: “This is the way the game should be called.”
You mean not-called, Don, which suits the Bruins just fine.
Next, “a sage moment” by Cherry, in the words of MacLean, his complaint about the glass in Montreal once having been “the worst in the league” but was improved so players hit from behind don't get hurt. As hurt.
And get this, he NOW has the time to play the clip of Pacioretty getting pile-drived by Iginla.
“Geoff, you did a great job ... It's terrific glass.”
His advice to Linden: Get rid of the “cement” glass in Vancouver. “Save the players (from) injury.” How solicitous.
He moves on to talk about neck guards which he encourages kids to wear all the time when they're playing hockey. Same for NHL players. Good advice.
There was more – he took a swipe at Hockey Canada for “being political” in its choice of players for the world junior team – but I'd seen enough.
So, in just a few minutes of commentary, he took a swipe at a Hab rookie for making a mistake, congratulated a Bruin for sticking it to a Hab about to give a clean check, and praised the Habs' owner for changing the glass so his players won't be hurt as bad when they are rammed into it from behind.
The Bruins can do no wrong. And when the Canadiens do something right, vis-a-vis the glass, Cherry's praise still rankles.
Coach's Corner should be penalized. There's one too many men on the set.
See monkey do, do like monkey does
(April 26, 2014)
We interrupt Top Ten Fivepin Bowling Moments to bring you a live broadcast of a news conference currently in progress with Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien talking about his team's second round series with the Boston Bruins, which starts tomorrow.
been working really hard, which is good to see, because he definitely will see action at some point in this series.
Long-haired reporter: It's been more than a week since you swept the Lightning. Won't the Canadiens be at disadvantage when they finally take the ice tomorrow night after so much rest?
Therrien: Not really. We've slowly ramped up the tempo of our practices the last five days, had a few no-contact scrimmages that included the Bulldog players who were called up, and, most importantly, we've been watching a lot of video.
Portly reporter: Video? Is that really going to help? You've played the Bruins enough times you should know them by now. What are you going to find that's new?
Therrien: Plenty. And it's not just the Bruins. We've been studying videos of ALL the playoff games to get a feel for what to expect.
Shapely reporter: Why would you do that, watch games of other teams when it's Boston you're playing next?
Therrien: You're forgetting something. Players aren't the only ones on the ice. Referees, remember? They have as much an impact on the games as the two teams playing. So it only makes sense to know in advance what they're likely to call or, more importantly, not call, so we won't be blindsided. Which isn't always called, as we found out.
High-strung reporter: I still don't follow. How's that going to help you?
Therrien: Simple. Our video coach, Mario Leblanc, has been recording every game played this post-season and made a compilation of all the 'hockey plays' –[holds up and waggles two fingers on each hand] – that aren't called penalties.
Face washes. Chops to the back of legs. Arm grabs. Did you know that you can cross-check a guy four times, a couple after he's down, before you get penalized? So the lesson is, show restraint and stop after three cross-checks -- which is a couple more than they allow during the regular season.
As far as scrums go, you can get in some real good head twists and chest jabs before the linesmen break it up.
Avuncular reporter: And this is what you intend to do?
Therrien: It's all about knowing the parameters. You want your players to play to their limit. Why not play to the league's? If you're allowed a short jab to the other player's jaw, a quick hook that makes him wobble, why pass it up? People don't go to games to watch referees put up their arm all the time.
Vegan reporter: This sounds a lot like dirty hockey.
Therrien: Playoff hockey. There's a difference.
Dimwitted reporter: What?
Therrien: Hell if I know. I'm just going by the vids.
Skeptical reporter: And that's how you're going to play the Bruins? Aren't you more likely to win using your speed?
Therrien: Hey, a lot of this stuff you can still do at high speed. But we'll likely follow the Bruins on this, let them set the tone. They're the ones playing edgy hockey, with an edge so sharp it cuts out quite a few pages of the rulebook. Look, they won the Cup in '11 and were in the final last year. Why not learn from the beast -- I mean, the best.
Existentialist reporter: You sure the league will let you get away with it, especially now that you've gone public?
Therrien: What can they say? We're obeying the rules the way they've instructed the refs to interpret them. Everything is on video, all the stuff that doesn't get called, which, by the way, we'll show to you guys before each game. And if we get called penalties and the Bruins don't, for doing exactly the same thing, well, it should make for an interesting post-game conference, what with all the clips we'll be showing from the night.
There is one thing I'm worried about.
Episcopalian reporter: What's that?
Therrien: I just hope Julien can keep his players from embellishing. It takes away from the game but it could tilt the calls in his favour. Don't believe me? Mario, run the clips. The 10-minute version. They're in a hurry.
We now return you to Top Five Tenpin Bowling Moments.
(April 26, 2014)
We interrupt Top Ten Fivepin Bowling Moments to bring you a live broadcast of a news conference currently in progress with Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien talking about his team's second round series with the Boston Bruins, which starts tomorrow.
been working really hard, which is good to see, because he definitely will see action at some point in this series.
Long-haired reporter: It's been more than a week since you swept the Lightning. Won't the Canadiens be at disadvantage when they finally take the ice tomorrow night after so much rest?
Therrien: Not really. We've slowly ramped up the tempo of our practices the last five days, had a few no-contact scrimmages that included the Bulldog players who were called up, and, most importantly, we've been watching a lot of video.
Portly reporter: Video? Is that really going to help? You've played the Bruins enough times you should know them by now. What are you going to find that's new?
Therrien: Plenty. And it's not just the Bruins. We've been studying videos of ALL the playoff games to get a feel for what to expect.
Shapely reporter: Why would you do that, watch games of other teams when it's Boston you're playing next?
Therrien: You're forgetting something. Players aren't the only ones on the ice. Referees, remember? They have as much an impact on the games as the two teams playing. So it only makes sense to know in advance what they're likely to call or, more importantly, not call, so we won't be blindsided. Which isn't always called, as we found out.
High-strung reporter: I still don't follow. How's that going to help you?
Therrien: Simple. Our video coach, Mario Leblanc, has been recording every game played this post-season and made a compilation of all the 'hockey plays' –[holds up and waggles two fingers on each hand] – that aren't called penalties.
Face washes. Chops to the back of legs. Arm grabs. Did you know that you can cross-check a guy four times, a couple after he's down, before you get penalized? So the lesson is, show restraint and stop after three cross-checks -- which is a couple more than they allow during the regular season.
As far as scrums go, you can get in some real good head twists and chest jabs before the linesmen break it up.
Avuncular reporter: And this is what you intend to do?
Therrien: It's all about knowing the parameters. You want your players to play to their limit. Why not play to the league's? If you're allowed a short jab to the other player's jaw, a quick hook that makes him wobble, why pass it up? People don't go to games to watch referees put up their arm all the time.
Vegan reporter: This sounds a lot like dirty hockey.
Therrien: Playoff hockey. There's a difference.
Dimwitted reporter: What?
Therrien: Hell if I know. I'm just going by the vids.
Skeptical reporter: And that's how you're going to play the Bruins? Aren't you more likely to win using your speed?
Therrien: Hey, a lot of this stuff you can still do at high speed. But we'll likely follow the Bruins on this, let them set the tone. They're the ones playing edgy hockey, with an edge so sharp it cuts out quite a few pages of the rulebook. Look, they won the Cup in '11 and were in the final last year. Why not learn from the beast -- I mean, the best.
Existentialist reporter: You sure the league will let you get away with it, especially now that you've gone public?
Therrien: What can they say? We're obeying the rules the way they've instructed the refs to interpret them. Everything is on video, all the stuff that doesn't get called, which, by the way, we'll show to you guys before each game. And if we get called penalties and the Bruins don't, for doing exactly the same thing, well, it should make for an interesting post-game conference, what with all the clips we'll be showing from the night.
There is one thing I'm worried about.
Episcopalian reporter: What's that?
Therrien: I just hope Julien can keep his players from embellishing. It takes away from the game but it could tilt the calls in his favour. Don't believe me? Mario, run the clips. The 10-minute version. They're in a hurry.
We now return you to Top Five Tenpin Bowling Moments.
Lucic out of luck -- suspended by his own team
April 19, 2014
Boston – Boston Bruin forward Milan Lucic, who was fined $5,000 by the National Hockey League for spearing in the series opener between the Bruins and the Detroit Red Wings, has been suspended five games by his team.
“The Boston Bruins do not condone or encourage any deliberate attempt by one of its players to injure an opponent,” coach Claude Julien said. “What Lucic did was absolutely disgusting. If the league isn't strong enough to send a message with a suspension, to punish and to deter, we will, especially as it's one of our players who's at fault. There's no place in hockey for that kind of behaviour, and as Lucic has found out, there will be no place on our team for the next five games. ”
The hulking forward was caught on TV skating up behind Detroit blueliner Dan Dekeyser and placing his stick between his legs before violently lifting it upward, causing the Red Wing player to drop to the ice writhing in pain.
There was no penalty called on the play.
Julien said Bruin general manager Peter Chiarelli fully supported the coach's decision to suspend a key player despite being down 1-0 in the series, against a club that has given Boston trouble all season.
“Peter was as disgusted as I was with what happened, and said Lucic needed to be taught a lesson,” Julien said.
He admitted to being “a little surprised – shocked, actually” that the league's supplementary discipline was “a slap on the wrist. For what Lucic did, he deserved a two-handed slash.”
Lucic told reporters he's “never” delivered a cheap shot like that before.
“Usually they're love taps,” he said, adding quickly, “I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea.”
Julien, who has long railed against players feigning being fouled to draw penalties, said he is “as much against castration as embellishment – maybe even more so.”
Lucic won't be allowed to practise with the team while he's suspended and he's been told not to wear any item of clothing bearing a Bruin insignia.
“We've got an image to protect,” Julien said. “He's already disgraced it enough on the ice, we can't run the risk of him doing the same away from the arena.”
Should there be a game seven, Lucic will be allowed back into the lineup, Julien said, but on one condition, that he not wear a jockstrap.
“I wouldn't want that to get out, though,” he said with a wink.
Julien also said
I woke up at that point ...
April 19, 2014
Boston – Boston Bruin forward Milan Lucic, who was fined $5,000 by the National Hockey League for spearing in the series opener between the Bruins and the Detroit Red Wings, has been suspended five games by his team.
“The Boston Bruins do not condone or encourage any deliberate attempt by one of its players to injure an opponent,” coach Claude Julien said. “What Lucic did was absolutely disgusting. If the league isn't strong enough to send a message with a suspension, to punish and to deter, we will, especially as it's one of our players who's at fault. There's no place in hockey for that kind of behaviour, and as Lucic has found out, there will be no place on our team for the next five games. ”
The hulking forward was caught on TV skating up behind Detroit blueliner Dan Dekeyser and placing his stick between his legs before violently lifting it upward, causing the Red Wing player to drop to the ice writhing in pain.
There was no penalty called on the play.
Julien said Bruin general manager Peter Chiarelli fully supported the coach's decision to suspend a key player despite being down 1-0 in the series, against a club that has given Boston trouble all season.
“Peter was as disgusted as I was with what happened, and said Lucic needed to be taught a lesson,” Julien said.
He admitted to being “a little surprised – shocked, actually” that the league's supplementary discipline was “a slap on the wrist. For what Lucic did, he deserved a two-handed slash.”
Lucic told reporters he's “never” delivered a cheap shot like that before.
“Usually they're love taps,” he said, adding quickly, “I don't want you guys to get the wrong idea.”
Julien, who has long railed against players feigning being fouled to draw penalties, said he is “as much against castration as embellishment – maybe even more so.”
Lucic won't be allowed to practise with the team while he's suspended and he's been told not to wear any item of clothing bearing a Bruin insignia.
“We've got an image to protect,” Julien said. “He's already disgraced it enough on the ice, we can't run the risk of him doing the same away from the arena.”
Should there be a game seven, Lucic will be allowed back into the lineup, Julien said, but on one condition, that he not wear a jockstrap.
“I wouldn't want that to get out, though,” he said with a wink.
Julien also said
I woke up at that point ...
We shouldn't take ole Stoneface for granite
Wait a minute! We should!
(Feb. 21, 2014)
LeBron James recently sparked a lot of talk when he mused about his choices for a Mount Rushmore of NBA players: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Oscar Robertson.
What if the same sort of discussion turned to a monument honoring the NHL’s greatest coaches? The candidates for enshrinement would surely include Scotty Bowman, Toe Blake, Punch Imlach, Al Arbour, Dick Irvin Sr., Jacques Lemaire, Joel Quenneville, and, oh yeah, Don Cherry.
To that list we might soon need to add the name of Mike Babcock. Not so much because of his curriculum vitae, impressive though it is and growing in eminence, but because he has the ideal face to be immortalized in stone – the craggy brow, fierce eye and jutting chin.
Another point in favour of Babcock’s visage being accorded a spot on the side of a mountain in the company of the game’s greatest bench bosses is the instruction he gave his Top 6 defencemen in this year’s Olympics: Rush more.
Admit it, folks, he has been the rock in the middle of the media and fan storm that has been in full force since Team Canada named its roster.
Okay, okay, maybe a massive sculpture bearing his likeness is a bit overboard, and sure to invite scorn.
How about using it as a model for a climbing wall at the Hockey Hall of Fame.
“Yes, kids, you too can scale your way to the top of the NHL – and beyond!”
Wait a minute! We should!
(Feb. 21, 2014)
LeBron James recently sparked a lot of talk when he mused about his choices for a Mount Rushmore of NBA players: Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson and Oscar Robertson.
What if the same sort of discussion turned to a monument honoring the NHL’s greatest coaches? The candidates for enshrinement would surely include Scotty Bowman, Toe Blake, Punch Imlach, Al Arbour, Dick Irvin Sr., Jacques Lemaire, Joel Quenneville, and, oh yeah, Don Cherry.
To that list we might soon need to add the name of Mike Babcock. Not so much because of his curriculum vitae, impressive though it is and growing in eminence, but because he has the ideal face to be immortalized in stone – the craggy brow, fierce eye and jutting chin.
Another point in favour of Babcock’s visage being accorded a spot on the side of a mountain in the company of the game’s greatest bench bosses is the instruction he gave his Top 6 defencemen in this year’s Olympics: Rush more.
Admit it, folks, he has been the rock in the middle of the media and fan storm that has been in full force since Team Canada named its roster.
Okay, okay, maybe a massive sculpture bearing his likeness is a bit overboard, and sure to invite scorn.
How about using it as a model for a climbing wall at the Hockey Hall of Fame.
“Yes, kids, you too can scale your way to the top of the NHL – and beyond!”
Shutouts -- good, shootouts -- bad
(February 16, 2014)
There’s no denying shootouts can be entertaining.
Fights – the real ones, not the staged travesties – also have their appeal.
I don’t like either and would be quite content to see both eliminated from the game (or, in the case of fighting, greatly reduced, recognizing there are occasions when, in the heat of the moment, athletes give rein to their worse instincts, for which they should be heavily penalized).
UCE is correct to demonize the NHL for having allowed its product to become debased by lax enforcement of its rules. It’s inexcusable, but shootouts are a shoddy cover for dereliction of duty, a sideshow to distract from what’s rotten at the core.
In answer to one of his points I would say a fluke goal in OT is fairer than the deciding marker in a shootout, simply because it happens when both sides are marshaling their best complement of players to achieve victory (albeit with a shortened bench in the early going).
That complement includes penalty killers, power play specialists, playmakers, snipers whose stock in trade are one-timers off perfect setups, power forwards (who position themselves in front of the net to provide a screen, tip in a shot, bang in a rebound), shot-blockers, relentless forecheckers, conscientious backcheckers, bruising defencemen, crash-and-bangers, and goaltenders, of course.
Overtime is not relegating all but a few of those same players to the sidelines to become spectators to a gimcrack, of no more value than goons whose TOI ends when a game is on the line.
Why should the outcome of a hard-fought affair be turned over to a handful of players, not even playing as a unit but singly in isolation, when it was the combined effort of many that is responsible for the draw in the first place?
Yes, a weak shot from the point that pinballs its way into the net might be seen as capricious but it was the thicket of players that screened the goalie, that provided the ricochet. The outcome was anything but random. The intent of the attacking side was to score and it created the conditions that made it possible. The dictum, as always is to shoot at the net, you never know what might happen.
As for the exhausted goalie who gets beaten, well, stamina is also a factor that helps determine a game’s result, along with skill, preparation, fitness, effort – and, yes, chance.
Is it any less caprice to have a game decided by a fluke goal in regulation?
It’s odd that goals scored in a shootout are not added to a player’s count or factored in a goalie’s save percentage, when the extra point awarded to the winning team is very much real and incorporated into the standings.
Those goals, those saves have immensely more value than most recorded in regulation.
Is it because the NHL’s overlords recognize the gewgaw that is the shootout is so extreme a departure from the game’s basic tenet of teamwork that to include its statistics in the normal measurements of players’ performances would be a bastardization even they couldn’t stomach?
If that is the case, allowing shootouts to continue is further proof the NHL, as a steward of hockey at the highest level, does a terrible job.
Imagine, for the sake of consistency – as if that will ever happen – the league were to extend shootouts into post-season play, what a nightmare it would be if the seventh game came down to a shootout.
Oh, what legends would be made of so-and-so scoring in the fourth round, even though he wasn’t throwing off defenders, didn’t have a broken leg, or wasn’t flying through the air.
Ugh.
(February 16, 2014)
There’s no denying shootouts can be entertaining.
Fights – the real ones, not the staged travesties – also have their appeal.
I don’t like either and would be quite content to see both eliminated from the game (or, in the case of fighting, greatly reduced, recognizing there are occasions when, in the heat of the moment, athletes give rein to their worse instincts, for which they should be heavily penalized).
UCE is correct to demonize the NHL for having allowed its product to become debased by lax enforcement of its rules. It’s inexcusable, but shootouts are a shoddy cover for dereliction of duty, a sideshow to distract from what’s rotten at the core.
In answer to one of his points I would say a fluke goal in OT is fairer than the deciding marker in a shootout, simply because it happens when both sides are marshaling their best complement of players to achieve victory (albeit with a shortened bench in the early going).
That complement includes penalty killers, power play specialists, playmakers, snipers whose stock in trade are one-timers off perfect setups, power forwards (who position themselves in front of the net to provide a screen, tip in a shot, bang in a rebound), shot-blockers, relentless forecheckers, conscientious backcheckers, bruising defencemen, crash-and-bangers, and goaltenders, of course.
Overtime is not relegating all but a few of those same players to the sidelines to become spectators to a gimcrack, of no more value than goons whose TOI ends when a game is on the line.
Why should the outcome of a hard-fought affair be turned over to a handful of players, not even playing as a unit but singly in isolation, when it was the combined effort of many that is responsible for the draw in the first place?
Yes, a weak shot from the point that pinballs its way into the net might be seen as capricious but it was the thicket of players that screened the goalie, that provided the ricochet. The outcome was anything but random. The intent of the attacking side was to score and it created the conditions that made it possible. The dictum, as always is to shoot at the net, you never know what might happen.
As for the exhausted goalie who gets beaten, well, stamina is also a factor that helps determine a game’s result, along with skill, preparation, fitness, effort – and, yes, chance.
Is it any less caprice to have a game decided by a fluke goal in regulation?
It’s odd that goals scored in a shootout are not added to a player’s count or factored in a goalie’s save percentage, when the extra point awarded to the winning team is very much real and incorporated into the standings.
Those goals, those saves have immensely more value than most recorded in regulation.
Is it because the NHL’s overlords recognize the gewgaw that is the shootout is so extreme a departure from the game’s basic tenet of teamwork that to include its statistics in the normal measurements of players’ performances would be a bastardization even they couldn’t stomach?
If that is the case, allowing shootouts to continue is further proof the NHL, as a steward of hockey at the highest level, does a terrible job.
Imagine, for the sake of consistency – as if that will ever happen – the league were to extend shootouts into post-season play, what a nightmare it would be if the seventh game came down to a shootout.
Oh, what legends would be made of so-and-so scoring in the fourth round, even though he wasn’t throwing off defenders, didn’t have a broken leg, or wasn’t flying through the air.
Ugh.
Window of opportunity is closing fast
I’ve been right there with MB in having no desire to trade away the team’s future for rental players whose skills offer no guarantee of a long playoff run. So, ordinarily, I would have greeted today’s transaction with equanimity, seeing as it involved players of no great consequence.
But now I’m having second thoughts about this whole go-slow approach to rebuilding the team, to the point I think MB needs to go all out and engineer a monstrous trade, one that bets the Canadiens’ future on an all-out bid to win the Cup this year.
Yeah, this year.
I have no idea what that deal would involve but I do know it has to be done, and done quickly.
Why the urgency? The window of opportunity is closing fast, my friends, faster than any five-year rebuild could hope to slip through before it shuts tight – forever.
Here are five reasons why Montreal needs to act now:
And you thought a 20-year Cup drought was tough
Plan Bee needed
A rising tide lifts all boats ... and sinks a few islands
Too bad there's no salary cap
The Nutbar Factor
I’ve been right there with MB in having no desire to trade away the team’s future for rental players whose skills offer no guarantee of a long playoff run. So, ordinarily, I would have greeted today’s transaction with equanimity, seeing as it involved players of no great consequence.
But now I’m having second thoughts about this whole go-slow approach to rebuilding the team, to the point I think MB needs to go all out and engineer a monstrous trade, one that bets the Canadiens’ future on an all-out bid to win the Cup this year.
Yeah, this year.
I have no idea what that deal would involve but I do know it has to be done, and done quickly.
Why the urgency? The window of opportunity is closing fast, my friends, faster than any five-year rebuild could hope to slip through before it shuts tight – forever.
Here are five reasons why Montreal needs to act now:
And you thought a 20-year Cup drought was tough
Plan Bee needed
A rising tide lifts all boats ... and sinks a few islands
Too bad there's no salary cap
The Nutbar Factor
Lookin' for definitive inside trade talk?
January 28, 2014
Montreal – A source inside Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin says the team is working on a multi-player deal with the Colorado Avalanche.
“The team is really keen on acquiring Quebec-born Patrick Bordeleau, Marc-Andre Cliche, PA Parenteau, Paul Stastny, Maxime Talbot, Alex Tanguay and Jean-Sebastine Giguere,” Bergevin’s right kidney said. “In return, the Avalanche can have whoever they want, in whatever number, except Price, Subban and Gallagher. The fly in the ointment is that word leaked out about the trade talk and the French-speaking community in Denver is now in a uproar. ”
However, a highly placed source, Bergevin’s sternum, dismissed the talk as “rumours” begun by Avalanche coach Patrick Roy’s pancreas, to stir up Internet chatter and embarrass his former team.
“Look, we’ve got too many players from Quebec on the team now that’s annoying the hell out of our fans in English Canada,” the pancreas said. “A trade like that would send them over to the Leafs.”
His view of the trade-mongering was shared by Bergevin’s lower intestine, who poo-poohed the notion of Montreal and Colorado making a trade.
“It’s just a lot of crap and I ought to know,” it said.
Effin' hockey
Oct. 2, 2013
My, wasn’t that a bit of fun – fighting, fouls and the foofaraw that followed.
Hockey isn’t hockey without the fisticuffs, just merely scoring.
But for those of us offended by fights, foul deeds and other acts of folly – fuzzy-headed fans that we are – here’s another suggestion, No. 68 in a series, on how to put an end to the foolishness:
Minor hockey has its STOP (Safety Towards Other Players) program in which a decal of a stop sign is attached to the back of players’ helmets – a reminder to young folk not to hit from behind.
A similar approach wouldn’t work in the NHL; too many ‘tough’ guys would see it as a red flag to their machismo, a dare to be met, an opportunity to assert their non-regard for the strictures of a civilized society. “No one’s gonna tell me what to do!”
But what if photos of real grandmothers, grandfathers, veterans, firefighters and police officers who have received medals for acts of bravery, Girl Guides, Boy Scouts, puppies, kittens, ... you get the idea ... were used instead?
What oaf would be so hard-hearted, so callous, so brutally insensitive as to foul another player if it meant, by extension, doing harm to the person or lovable pet depicted on the sticker?
And don’t limit the decals to the backs of helmets. Place them strategically in spots traditionally targeted for “special attention” – the front of the helmet, upper part of the back, wrists, knees, backs of legs, and groin.
Each player, then, would have his family, so to speak, to inspire him, as well as deter others from committing assaults.
Sure, there would be those who would still choose to ignore the optics of smashing grandma in the face, spearing Pookie in its button nose, or elbowing Todd, the firefighter who rescued 11 children from a burning school, in the mouth, knocking out multiple teeth.
But such brutes would pay a price in the end: they’d quickly be ostracized out of the league. (One would hope.)
Leaving a sport that rewards talent and is certainly more enjoyable to watch.
Sept. 2, 2013
Gawd, doesn’t anyone dust around here? Look at the cobwebs. I guess I shoulda had someone come in once a week to keep the place spotless. Maybe even post something once in a while.
Hmmm, drawing a blank here. Can’t think of a blessed thing to write.
You know what that means: another visit to The Vault.
..... [hack, cough, hack, cough, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze] Holy cow, that place is even dustier than the lobby.
Okay, whatta we got here? [blows dust off pages]
Hmmm, oh yeah, I remember that piece. And this one. [wipes off pages with cloth and pins them to the wall ... ]
'It should be a dandy game tonight, Bob...'
(April 2, 2011)
“Hello Canada and Hockey fans in the United States and Newfoundland, Gary Cole here with Bob Galley, all set”
“Uh, my name’s Garry, Bob, and your name’s … Bob.”
“That’s right, Greg, it should be a dandy game tonight, with the Montreal Canadiens fighting to hang on to a playoff spot, and the New Jersey Devils hoping to repeat as Stanley Cup champions, Jacques Lemaire has done a wonderful job leading the Devils back into contention, wouldn’t you say, Garry, even though he no longer has Guy Lafleur on his wing?”
“Uh, that’s right, Bob, he no longer has Lafleur on his wing. But he does have Zack Parise back tonight which should give the team a big boost.”
“It could, but he’s got to be careful. You don’t want to fool around with a knee concussion. It can end a player’s career. As can any major injury. Eddie Shore hasn’t been the same since he died.”
“Uh, good point, Bob. Death has a way of cutting into your playing time. Jacques Martin has come under criticism for the way he handles the rookies but death isn’t one of them. He either benches a player or doesn’t dress him, which”
“Garry, I think we’re long past the days when coaches have to dress their players.They’ve got moreDarche just scored on a backhander and it’s 1-0 for the Canadiens! Garry, that was a nice setup by Gionta. Uh oh, it looks like they’re calling it a non-goal. Here comes the referee…”
“Uh, Bob, he’s going to drop the puck for the face-off at centre ice.”
“Gomez wins the draw. He pushes the puck back to Subban. Subban circles inside his own end, he goes behind the net, he goes around the net, he passes to Gill who passes it back to Subban who gets by Clarkson, dipsy-doodles past Elia, headfakes Gomez, outraces Zubrus, and comes to a stop behind the Canadiens’ net while Montreal completes its third line change. New Jersey has just called a timeout. Garry, is this a good time for New Jersey to pull its goalie?”
“Uh, I wouldn’t, Bob, There’s still seven minutes left in the first period.”
“And the Devils are coming on strong. They’re being outshot 14-2 but Price had to be sharp on the last one, it took a funny bounce just outside the blue line. And now the Devils will get a chance to even up the score as they go on the powerplay.”
“Uh, Bob, New Jersey’s the one getting the penalty. Clarkson just skated 20 feet and rammed Subban into the boards from behind.”
“You’re right, Glen, but it looks like the Montreal player is getting a penalty as well, for diving.”
“Uh, I don’t think so, Bob. The trainer is carrying him to the team bench not the penalty box.”
“Well, the Canadiens dodged a bullet there but they will be hard-pressed to kill off their power play. And there goes the siren. Montreal 3 New Jersey 1. Lemaire has done wonders with the team, Garry, but the ghosts of the Forum were just too much for him tonight.”
“Uh, Bob, the game was played … never mind.”
Habs suffer big blow, big bust won't be in the lineup
(April 25, 2011)
MONTREAL – Scott Gomez will not be in the Montreal Canadiens’ lineup tomorrow night when the team takes on the Boston Bruins down 3-2 in the opening round series.
“Scott was injured today and will be unable to play,” coach Jacques Martin told reporters.
Martin wouldn’t go into details but said Gomez suffered an upper body injury during a vigorous practice, a lower body injury at a players-only meeting and a concussion while signing autographs.
“It was an unfortunate series of events,” said Martin, whose right hand was wrapped in a bandage.
Team captain Brian Gionta, sporting a shiner, agreed it had been a tough day for the Habs’ highest-paid player. “Bad luck just seemed to follow him around today,” Gionta said.
“It wath brutal, thimply brutal what happened to Thcott,” assistant captain Hal Gill said, speaking with a lisp as a result of a few chipped teeth. “I feel thorry for him. I’m thure he’ll bounth back nexth theason.”
Martin said the Canadiens will have to make the best of a bad situation without their acknowledged playoff “leader” in the lineup but he expressed confidence his team will prevail and have David Desharnais back for the seventh and deciding game.
He said he doesn’t plan to juggle his lines so as not to draw attention that Gomez isn’t dressed.
It's April 14, a day of national mourning. The Canadiens lost 5-1 to the Leafs Saturday night. Hab fans are either pointing fingers (at Price and his teammates who played horribly) or rolling their eyes (at Hab fans who point fingers at Price and his teammates wh0 played horribly).
Leaf fans are walking around with goofy grins. It's an improvement.
It's time MT shook up his lines. I mean, really shook 'em up, by taking a page from The Vault playbook
X-it strategy will do wonders for team
(Dec. 11, 2011)
I think the team and fans should divorce themselves from thinking in terms of line combinations because, let’s face it, the only time three players actually play in a linear way is when they line up for a faceoff (or, in the case of the Canadiens, when they congregate behind the opposition’s net). After that it’s the System that takes over.
The line, however, doesn’t operate in a vacuum. In theory, the line works with the defence at both ends of the ice. The Russians had it right when they thought of five-man unit combinations. The Habs should do the same, in an X configuration.
A————————————————-B
———————–C————————–
D————————————————-E
Some might say this is nothing more than a 2-1-2 deployment but if we draw a line diagonally from A through C to E, and D through C to B, you end up with an X and a new way of looking at the game.
The X factor — the unknown — can be a much more intimidating force than the System, which sounds and is boring and bureaucratic. X is a System with attitude. Opponents would panic, not knowing what to expect, especially if the unit advances up ice in a rotating fashion, with D moving into A’s spot and A over to B, etc, while C holds down the centre.
The stratagem has been tested in scrimmages conducted in seclusion and the results have been promising, drawing praise from myriad xperts:
“Xcellent” (Monte Burns).
“Thumbs up!” (X-Men).
“—” (Harpo MarX).
Here are my X combinations:
Cammalleri —– Gionta
———-Plekanec——–
Gorges———–Subban
Xcuse me, the phone just rang, I’ll finish this later.
C'mon, Jocko, lighten up a little
(October 25, 2011)
Players take to a coach who isn’t stiff and likes a laugh as much they do. JM can save his job – and start the team winning – if he would just loosen up a bit and …
Inhale helium before giving a pre-game pep talk
Slip a whoopee cushion underneath a player as he’s about to sit on the bench
Attach a bubble gum bubble to a player’s helmet just before his shift
Give the players a hotfoot
Tell Cole he’s sitting out a game and then slap him on the back and say with a hearty laugh, “Just kiddin’!”
Call a timeout 45 seconds into the game just to tell the boys you like the way the four lines are playing.
Halfway through the match cover a player’s eyes with your hands and say, “Guess who?”
Loudly protest a penalty against the Canadiens by banging the stick against the boards, throwing a towel on the ice and tossing Desharnais over the boards
Pick Gill, Gorges and Spacek for the shootout [Edit: On second thought, Gill might get called for delay of game.]
Hand out Danishes to the players during a commercial break, saying Eller made them
Replace drills with dodge ball during practices
Show up behind the bench wearing oversized sunglasses and a bright red sports jacket with a huge Canadiens’ emblem on the back and ‘Jocko’ across the top
Hand out fried octopus to the players during a commercial break, saying Cammalleri cooked them
When the fans start singing Ole, Ole, turn around and lead them as if you were their maestro
Tell reporters you will only answer their questions by playing charades or singing rap
Replace the notebook with a smartphone and start tweeting your fans
Pull Price with the team down a goal late in the game and as soon as he gets close to the bench, send out Budaj – to show you can think outside the box
Call a ref over to explain a penalty call and stick a Slewfoot Me sign on his back
(October 25, 2011)
Players take to a coach who isn’t stiff and likes a laugh as much they do. JM can save his job – and start the team winning – if he would just loosen up a bit and …
Inhale helium before giving a pre-game pep talk
Slip a whoopee cushion underneath a player as he’s about to sit on the bench
Attach a bubble gum bubble to a player’s helmet just before his shift
Give the players a hotfoot
Tell Cole he’s sitting out a game and then slap him on the back and say with a hearty laugh, “Just kiddin’!”
Call a timeout 45 seconds into the game just to tell the boys you like the way the four lines are playing.
Halfway through the match cover a player’s eyes with your hands and say, “Guess who?”
Loudly protest a penalty against the Canadiens by banging the stick against the boards, throwing a towel on the ice and tossing Desharnais over the boards
Pick Gill, Gorges and Spacek for the shootout [Edit: On second thought, Gill might get called for delay of game.]
Hand out Danishes to the players during a commercial break, saying Eller made them
Replace drills with dodge ball during practices
Show up behind the bench wearing oversized sunglasses and a bright red sports jacket with a huge Canadiens’ emblem on the back and ‘Jocko’ across the top
Hand out fried octopus to the players during a commercial break, saying Cammalleri cooked them
When the fans start singing Ole, Ole, turn around and lead them as if you were their maestro
Tell reporters you will only answer their questions by playing charades or singing rap
Replace the notebook with a smartphone and start tweeting your fans
Pull Price with the team down a goal late in the game and as soon as he gets close to the bench, send out Budaj – to show you can think outside the box
Call a ref over to explain a penalty call and stick a Slewfoot Me sign on his back
From the vault
BettWipes -- order now before they're sold out!
(July 22, 2011)
There was an interesting article in The Star yesterday about the NHL trade show going on at the ACC. (http://www.thestar.com/sports/hockey/nhl/article/1028166–get-your-leafs-hospital-scrubs-here-nhl-trade-show-hits-acc)
All sorts of stuff on sale that’s linked to hockey, including pillows, women’s apparel, and hockey sticks that double as putters. Here’s a few more that will go on the market in the near future:
Does romance go out the window when the hockey season starts and hubby stays glued to the TV? Buy a pair of Goalnet Stockings and put some sizzle back into your relationship. It won’t be long before he’s crowding your crease.
An old board game with a new twist, Checkers features two teams of 12 pieces bearing the pics of the top checking forwards all-time for each side. Montreal’s dozen, for example, includes such stalwarts as Bob Gainey, Doug Jarvis, Guy Carbonneau and Tomas Plekanec. The pieces sport the colours of the team they represent. What kid wouldn’t want this under the Christmas tree this December? (No names, please, it was a rhetorical question.)
BettWipes come in 30 choices of bathroom tissue rolls, one for each NHL team. Each panel of each roll has the logo of your favourite club. Actually, your least favourite club, given its purpose. (And before you say Boston rolls would lead all sales, remember the Bruin brand is known for its grit. Montreal, on the other hand, has a reputation for being soft.)
BettWipes -- order now before they're sold out!
(July 22, 2011)
There was an interesting article in The Star yesterday about the NHL trade show going on at the ACC. (http://www.thestar.com/sports/hockey/nhl/article/1028166–get-your-leafs-hospital-scrubs-here-nhl-trade-show-hits-acc)
All sorts of stuff on sale that’s linked to hockey, including pillows, women’s apparel, and hockey sticks that double as putters. Here’s a few more that will go on the market in the near future:
Does romance go out the window when the hockey season starts and hubby stays glued to the TV? Buy a pair of Goalnet Stockings and put some sizzle back into your relationship. It won’t be long before he’s crowding your crease.
An old board game with a new twist, Checkers features two teams of 12 pieces bearing the pics of the top checking forwards all-time for each side. Montreal’s dozen, for example, includes such stalwarts as Bob Gainey, Doug Jarvis, Guy Carbonneau and Tomas Plekanec. The pieces sport the colours of the team they represent. What kid wouldn’t want this under the Christmas tree this December? (No names, please, it was a rhetorical question.)
BettWipes come in 30 choices of bathroom tissue rolls, one for each NHL team. Each panel of each roll has the logo of your favourite club. Actually, your least favourite club, given its purpose. (And before you say Boston rolls would lead all sales, remember the Bruin brand is known for its grit. Montreal, on the other hand, has a reputation for being soft.)
It's April 12. I'd start working on that tax return if I were you. (But then if I were you I wouldn't be wearing that orange cardigan with purple slacks. Missed laundry day?)
Ooooh, the excitement is building for tomorrow night's tilt with the Maple Leafs at the Airhead Canada Centre.
No, the game isn't a measuring stick on where the two teams stack up against each other heading into the playoffs. It's not even a litmus test. I prefer to think of it as a citrus test.
If the Canadiens lose they're a lemon.
If they win they're sublime.
PK's playing so well, so much like a seasoned veteran that it's easy to forget it wasn't that long ago he joined the team. We pulled this file out of The Vault to remind us. And you, if you choose to read further.
(Spoiler alert: He was misunderstood right from the start.)
And I still don't understand why my five-man unit proposal never was implemented.
A high five for five-man units
(Dec. 13, 2010)
I personally -- but entirely objectively -- believe in five-man units. It really simplifies things. But my system also adds the element of juggling lines on the fly. When the starting five leave the ice they enter the bench at one end and the five at the other end take their places. The players would then proceed to rotate in this fashion for the remainder of the game.
Naturally this will result in multitudinous line combinations and defence pairings, which will be sure to throw off the opposition and at the same time build team chemistry and versatility. It would also help the team cope with adversity such as is now the case with the loss of two defencemen. Knowing AK and Laps could man the blue line in a pinch couldn't help but put coach Martin's mind at ease.
And we fans would have a field day watching the various lines unfold, hoping against hope that even one of our fantastical creations would at some point see the light of day. ("Didn't I tell ya Gill centering Gionta and Halpern would light it up!") Of course, tremendous debate would follow as to how the players should be seated before the opening whistle. ("That idiot Martin, why did he have Pyatt, Hammer, Gorges, Picard and Subban sittin' in a row? I woulda had ...")
I realize this proposal might come across as being unorthodox, heretical – okay, even harebrained – which is why I suggest the experiment be limited to 30 games. That should be sufficient time to establish its worth or candidacy for the dustbin.
The only caution I would add, as if it needs saying, is that the backup goaltender not be considered part of the rotation. Auld's not that fast -- the pads, you know -- and I hear his backhand is pretty weak.
Budaj, ya da man!
(July 5, 2011)
Here’s a thought (no, no, you keep your penny, I have one just like it at home):
Montreal is stockpiling goalies in the system to make the team tougher.
It all starts with Budaj. He’s currently attending orientation/makeover camp that will turn him into a modern day Billy Smith/Ron Hextall. No need to trade for a goon who gets little ice-time. Pencil in Budaj, his TOI is 60 minutes.
And when he plays, his goal — besides preventing goals — is to chop down any opponent that comes near the Habs’ net. Hack, slash, spear — send a message, better yet, send a foe to ER. Another team takes liberties with a Hab, retribution will follow in swift order, administered by the most heavily padded player on the ice.
Sure, Budaj might draw a few suspensions – one game, three games, five games, heck, even eight games — who cares, he wasn’t going to be playing them anyway.
And should it ever happen that he’s suspended for the remainder of the season after adding 27 notches to his goal stick (or tombstones on his mask), well, that’s why we have a dozen or so goalies all lined up, ready to go, ready to rumble.
I don’t care what their GAA ends up being, it’s the BAA — Bad Ass Antics — I’m checking out.
Same with shutouts. Big deal. Knockouts — different story.
The Budaj Assassin. Has a nice ring to it.
From the Vault:
(Hey, these are the dog days, okay?)
Let CHaos reign & anarCHy rule
(Jan. 18, 2013)
I think I speak for all/most/some/me when I say systems might win you games but, gawd, they can be boring to watch in their execution.
And when they fail to produce the desired result, they’re doubly hard to bear.
Sure I can live with a win by the Canadiens, better yet, a string of them, even if it/they has/have the entertainment value of cement/arteries/attitudes hardening, but, in truth, I probably would enjoy more a few losses along the way if the games were crisp, the action end-to-end, and there were plays, offensively and defensively, so exciting they caused you to leap to your feet/jump in the air/spill your Metamucil.
Now I fully expect to see as many Canadien losses as wins this season but I can handle that if the team shows effort game in, game out, ALONG with huge dollops of creative sparktivity (just like I showed there, coining a word; then again, maybe all I’ve done is stummp Spell Check. It can be kinda wonky).
Anyways, here’s the point I wish to make, and I hope coach Therrien has logged in tonight (any guesses as to who his alias is?): Do away with systems.
Give players free rein to their instincts. Leave them to their own devices (which, in most cases, will still involve hockey sticks but doesn’t put a straitjacket on their imagination). Let them run wild.
In other words, let CHaos reign (and you wouldn’t even have to change the team’s emblem).
SURELY THIS WILL INVITE DISASTER AND RUIN, MAYBE EVEN BOTH, you respond (hey, there’s no need to shout).
Well, I see things differently (through my nose, but that’s another post).
And I have a recognized authority to back me up. Two of them, in fact: Merriam and Webster (he’s the short one). Here’s what they have to say about chaos: “a state of things in which chance is supreme.”
Let me repeat that for emphasis: “a state in the midwest” – sorry, I lost my spot, here it is: “a state of things in which chance is supreme.”
Now what is hockey all about. Scoring chances. Chances.
So, in my book, any approach that increases those chances, in fact, makes them supreme, has gotta be a good thing. Especially for this team, which was woeful on offence last year.
And embracing CHaos wouldn’t be as big an adjustment as you might think. The team experimented with it last season, and the trial period has continued to this one with the turmoil being caused by Subban’s holdout.
What’s that, Merriam? There’s something else the Canadiens can seize hold of, to achieve success in an unconventional manner? Throw off the shackles of authority, from the top down, to establish “a utopian society of individuals who enjoy complete freedom without government,” or bothersome curfews?
What is this called whereof you speak?
AnarCHy, you say?
Hmmmm.
AnarCHy and CHaos.
It’s all coming together.
(Hey, these are the dog days, okay?)
Let CHaos reign & anarCHy rule
(Jan. 18, 2013)
I think I speak for all/most/some/me when I say systems might win you games but, gawd, they can be boring to watch in their execution.
And when they fail to produce the desired result, they’re doubly hard to bear.
Sure I can live with a win by the Canadiens, better yet, a string of them, even if it/they has/have the entertainment value of cement/arteries/attitudes hardening, but, in truth, I probably would enjoy more a few losses along the way if the games were crisp, the action end-to-end, and there were plays, offensively and defensively, so exciting they caused you to leap to your feet/jump in the air/spill your Metamucil.
Now I fully expect to see as many Canadien losses as wins this season but I can handle that if the team shows effort game in, game out, ALONG with huge dollops of creative sparktivity (just like I showed there, coining a word; then again, maybe all I’ve done is stummp Spell Check. It can be kinda wonky).
Anyways, here’s the point I wish to make, and I hope coach Therrien has logged in tonight (any guesses as to who his alias is?): Do away with systems.
Give players free rein to their instincts. Leave them to their own devices (which, in most cases, will still involve hockey sticks but doesn’t put a straitjacket on their imagination). Let them run wild.
In other words, let CHaos reign (and you wouldn’t even have to change the team’s emblem).
SURELY THIS WILL INVITE DISASTER AND RUIN, MAYBE EVEN BOTH, you respond (hey, there’s no need to shout).
Well, I see things differently (through my nose, but that’s another post).
And I have a recognized authority to back me up. Two of them, in fact: Merriam and Webster (he’s the short one). Here’s what they have to say about chaos: “a state of things in which chance is supreme.”
Let me repeat that for emphasis: “a state in the midwest” – sorry, I lost my spot, here it is: “a state of things in which chance is supreme.”
Now what is hockey all about. Scoring chances. Chances.
So, in my book, any approach that increases those chances, in fact, makes them supreme, has gotta be a good thing. Especially for this team, which was woeful on offence last year.
And embracing CHaos wouldn’t be as big an adjustment as you might think. The team experimented with it last season, and the trial period has continued to this one with the turmoil being caused by Subban’s holdout.
What’s that, Merriam? There’s something else the Canadiens can seize hold of, to achieve success in an unconventional manner? Throw off the shackles of authority, from the top down, to establish “a utopian society of individuals who enjoy complete freedom without government,” or bothersome curfews?
What is this called whereof you speak?
AnarCHy, you say?
Hmmmm.
AnarCHy and CHaos.
It’s all coming together.
Fans turn against Gomez
(Dec. 7, 2010)
MONTREAL – Scott Gomez showed up at today’s practice accompanied by three bodyguards, fuelling speculation he has received threats from disenchanted fans.
Gomez poured water on the notion, saying the three heavily armed men who surrounded him as he entered the arena were members of his “posse.”
The centre has drawn the ire of many Hab loyalists for failing to put many points on the board despite being the team’s highest paid player. Although his detractors have been vehement in denouncing his play, there’s been no groundswell of resentment calling for his head, although the sudden appearance and growing popularity of the website diegomezdie.com, suggests that is about to change.
Gomez’s defenders say the two-time Stanley Cup winner is well worth the $7.3 million he is being paid this season, in ways that can’t be measured by goals, assists, plus-minus, face-off wins, shots on goals and other ephemera. They say the intangibles he brings to the team, such as devilish good looks and impish charm, help create a winning environment.
His supporters also argue that Lefty Gomez, as he is now affectionately known, because of his penchant for port-side rushes, has been saddled with wingers insufficiently talented to profit from his creative play-making. Even so, they say, he makes those around him better.
A reporter who attempted to approach Gomez was confronted by the player’s three “posse” members. One, who appeared to be talking into a communications device on his wrist, sneezed, prompting a reflexive defensive reaction by his arm in the form of a karate chop that knocked him out.
A second member, seeing his fallen comrade, pulled out a handgun but the weapon got caught in his jacket, causing him to pull the trigger and send a bullet into his left foot.
No sooner had the handgun landed on the ground than Gomez kicked it to the third member of the threesome but it was a bit behind him. As Moe – according to his name tag – tried to reach back, he lost his balance and hit his head on the ground.
Team officials said afterward the concussion will keep him from possing for three weeks. His two companions were said to have suffered upper and lower body injuries.
Gomez was spotted later in the company of Maxim Lapierre who appeared to be talking into a communications device on his wrist.
Furious fans want Fonzie fired
(March 29, 2013)
NEW YORK – Five hundred season ticket-holders have filed a class action lawsuit against New York Ranger coach John Tortorella, saying his behaviour is causing the team to lose and them to suffer.
Group spokesman Bob Schmo said the fans are not asking for much in the way of compensation – refund of their season passes and Tortorella’s dismissal, to prevent further losses.
“The guy is a nutbar, even New Yorkers find him obnoxious,” Schmo said.
Although suing a coach for his failings as a bench boss is unprecedented, one law expert says the plaintiffs, who call themselves Fonzie’s Foes, could very well win their case.
“Tort law deals with situations where a person's behavior has unfairly caused someone else to suffer loss or harm,” Internet legal scholar Ricky Pedia said. “A person is liable for intentional infliction of emotional distress when he intentionally or recklessly engages in extreme and outrageous conduct that is highly likely to cause severe emotional distress.
“I’d say Fonzie’s Foes have a better than 50-50 chance of winning ... which is more than you can say about the Rangers these days.”
The Rangers currently sit in eighth place in the National Hockey League’s Eastern Conference and are 4-5-1 in their last 10 games, following last night’s 3-0 loss in Ottawa.
Tortorella sneered when asked about the fans’ lawsuit following the game.
“It’s $&^%$, the &$^%# fans don’t *%&%$ know &%$@&@,” he told reporters. “Ask me about the %$^#@ game! Did you ^&%%#$@ guys even !@&^% watch it?”
But the news media were more interested in his pending legal battle than the team’s on-ice issues.
“Torts, aren’t you worried this tort could tortorally ruin your career?” New York Post columnist Larry Brooks asked.
“Broo%$^#&$ksie, you’re a ^&%#^ idiot,” Tortorella retorted. “And &^$^(^ make &^$&%$$ sure you &!#@$% quote me right this !#*%@ time, you !#@!^ moron.”
The combative coach then elbowed his way out of the scrum, prompting talk of lawsuits alleging assault and battery among the heap of reporters.
Tortorella’s legal woes have, in fact, got worse.
Schmo sent out a press release just before midnight announcing several Rangers have joined Fonzie’s Foes as plaintiffs.
“Let’s just say the Blueshirts are feeling really blue these days,” Schmo stated.
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ...
(March 28, 2013)
Watched most of Gallagher’s Island, episode 33, last night. I stayed with it until near the end, after Gallagher and the crew had taken a 2-0 lead only to have the brain-addled natives score four unanswered goals, and then go ahead later 5-3.
Gallagher: Skipper, wha’ happened? We were up two and now we’re down two.
Gionta: Don’t know, little buddy, but we gotta do something fast.
Gallagher: I got an idea!!
Gionta [groans]: I hope it’s better than the last one. The screwy diet you came up with those weird looking plants made me lose weight AND height!
Gallagher: Skipper, I’ll always look up to you [looks down at him, with soulful eyes begging the Skipper to ask for his idea].
Gionta [sighs]: Okay, let’s hear it.
[Gallagher whispers into the Skipper’s ear]
Gionta [incredulous]: You’re gonna do what???
[Gallagher whispers into the Skipper’s ear again]
Gionta [disbelief written all over his face]: You’re gonna fire the puck at the defenceman’s head, pick up the rebound and then put it behind Rask? [shakes his head in exasperation] Where do you come up with these idiot ideas?
Gallagher: Where most idiots do [points to his head as he leaps over the boards laughing]
Well, at that point, I turned the TV off. Some plot turns are just too ridiculous to accept. Like replacing a key character in the middle of the show. Unbelievable.
And yet the show still gets good ratings. In the top four I’m told. Go figure.
So, Jacques, what did you think of the game?
(October 24, 2011)
Here’s what to expect at tonight’s post-game press conference:
Male reporter 1: Mr. Martin, what did you take away from tonight’s contest?
JM: I thought the guys’ compete level was the best it’s been this season, our fourth line showed a lot of energy, and the defence stood up and gave Budaj a lot of support.
Male reporter 2: So you think the team has turned the corner?
JM: Definitely. I think with the line combinations we have in place now and the players showing signs they’re familiar with the system, that we can be confident moving forward.
Male reporter 3: Now that the team seems to have righted itself, how far do you think it go, Mr. Martin?
JM: If we play together as we did through much of tonight’s game and if Carey can return to last year’s form, I firmly believe the playoffs are within our reach, and you know anything can happen after that.
Female reporter: Jacques, the team lost 5-0, took three more too many men on the ice penalties, didn’t get a shot on net during six power plays, Cole walked out in the middle of the second period, and the team needed a police escort to the dressing room after the game. How can you draw anything positive out of such a one-sided defeat?
JM: What you neglected to mention is that we outshot the other team 11-6, that we won 38 per cent of our faceoffs, twice as good as our season average,, and boosted sales of beer by $20,000 in the first intermission alone, and that I’ve coached more than 1,000 games. You might want to do some research and brush up on your hockey before you ask a question. Next?
Male reporter 4: Mr. Martin, what’s your favourite colour
JM (chuckling): Ah, Steverino, you know it’s bleu-blanc-et-rouge, but thanks for askin’.
(October 24, 2011)
Here’s what to expect at tonight’s post-game press conference:
Male reporter 1: Mr. Martin, what did you take away from tonight’s contest?
JM: I thought the guys’ compete level was the best it’s been this season, our fourth line showed a lot of energy, and the defence stood up and gave Budaj a lot of support.
Male reporter 2: So you think the team has turned the corner?
JM: Definitely. I think with the line combinations we have in place now and the players showing signs they’re familiar with the system, that we can be confident moving forward.
Male reporter 3: Now that the team seems to have righted itself, how far do you think it go, Mr. Martin?
JM: If we play together as we did through much of tonight’s game and if Carey can return to last year’s form, I firmly believe the playoffs are within our reach, and you know anything can happen after that.
Female reporter: Jacques, the team lost 5-0, took three more too many men on the ice penalties, didn’t get a shot on net during six power plays, Cole walked out in the middle of the second period, and the team needed a police escort to the dressing room after the game. How can you draw anything positive out of such a one-sided defeat?
JM: What you neglected to mention is that we outshot the other team 11-6, that we won 38 per cent of our faceoffs, twice as good as our season average,, and boosted sales of beer by $20,000 in the first intermission alone, and that I’ve coached more than 1,000 games. You might want to do some research and brush up on your hockey before you ask a question. Next?
Male reporter 4: Mr. Martin, what’s your favourite colour
JM (chuckling): Ah, Steverino, you know it’s bleu-blanc-et-rouge, but thanks for askin’.
Prolonging a short player's career, etc
(Nov. 10, 2010)
With Montreal’s offence continuing to struggle – the team is now relying on its defence to score – the argument will be revived that the forwards are too short. Stand tall, play tall is the thinking.
To remedy the problem, the team could resort to using the rack – wait, that’s the fans’ suggestion, and for different reasons. But that’s just soooo medieval when fixing the problem demands a modern approach.
It’s too late for today’s roster to be augmented by genetic modification and Viagra produces length rather than height, although it might do wonders for the players’ poke checking.
The answer is much more subtle: skate inserts. It could be done incrementally, by millimetres, over the course of a few months. As was done gradually with goaltenders’ equipment over seasons to much more dramatic effect.
Take Brian Gionta. He’s listed at 5'7". Now. But you keep adding inserts in his skates, one wafer-thin insole at a time, game by game, by the end of the season, he’s cross-checking Pronger in the face.
The change in height would be glacially slow so as not to attract league attention. To those few who might detect something different in Gionta’s appearance, team spokesmen would explain he had switched to a new diet to add bulk to his frame.
Fans would be accepting of such an explanation as it would confirm their own powers of observation (“You know, Bob, I thought Gio had put on height.”).
Naturally, certain routines would have to be followed to maintain the CHarade. Le Gros Brian would have to enter and exit arenas by the back door so as not to reveal his true height to the prying eyes of television cameras.
The sad fact, however, is that he could never be seen in public again without his skates on.
A small price to pay, perhaps, for a small player wanting to step up his game.
Of course, after retirement, Gio could resume his normal appearance, much like Bonds did after his career ended. The unfortunate part is, he also would be hounded by whispers he had been on stair-oids.
That was one awkward
post-game interview last night …
(March 8, 2013)
Young reporter: Josh, talk about your goal tonight.
Gorges: I decided to pinch in when I saw Prusty had the puck on the boards and there was clear sailing in front of me so I
YR: I meant the bigger picture. You’re known as a defensive player who seldom scores so was your goal tonight to get a goal, to let the world know there’s another side to Josh Gorges and perhaps people should look at him in a different light?
Gorges: Unhh?
YR: Or were you, in fact, making the statement that by joining the rush you are very much a part of the mainstream, that, in going on the attack – a very masculine thing to do – you were reasserting your manhood in the most visible way possible?
Gorges: Reinserting my Whaa?
YR: Let’s be frank, Josh. Your reputation is built on blocking shots. Not very aggressive, is it? Pretty passive, really. Some would say feminine. Yet, at the same time you’re willing to take the punishment – just like a man.
Josh: Excuse me?
YR: Josh, looking at the totality of your career in juxtaposition with that defining play, is if fair to say that you’re conflicted, that your sexual identity is in a state of flux? That when you entered the Carolina zone, it was uncharted territory for you but you were prepared to take the risk, that, for you, it was as much a voyage of self-discovery as it was to fire a puck into net?
Josh: Pardon?
YR: And later when you went deep again into the Hurricane end, and set up Eller for the winning goal, was it a case of reaffirming what you had learned about yourself earlier in the game, and then expanding on that knowledge, from firing the pistol in the first instance to loading the pistol in the second, that it was a metaphor for how one’s role in sports, in life, in relationships can swiftly change?
Josh: You’ve lost me
YR: Understandable. Honest truths about oneself are not always apprehended with sharp clarity at the get-go. It takes time, but I think most fans will say tonight’s game was another stepping stone on a Josh Gorges journey of self-realization.
Josh (exasperated): Are you going to ask me a $%#%#$# question I can understand.
YR: Are you gay?
Josh: Well, I am pretty happy. I hadn’t scored in a month.
Old reporter: So, Josh, talk about your goal tonight.
Josh: I decided to pinch in when I saw Prusty ...
NHL could use some help on the bench
I’m glad to see Eller is not over-reacting to his banishment. I think he has potential to be a good player so anything that can help in his development is to be applauded.
I’m just not sure sending him to “the press box” is the right move; if literally true, it puts him closer to reporters. What good can come from that? The concern then becomes about his regressing as a person.
The other thing sitting idle amongst reprobates doesn’t do is help him work out the defects in his game. That can only come in the heat of battle.
That’s why it’s important that he continue to suit up and take a regular shift. If he persists in making errors, best to correct them while still fresh in his mind.
Now, unfortunately this immediately conjures up an image of a Tortorella yelling his insights into the ear hole of a wayward player or of a Martin handing a delinquent charge a nasty note. Neither makes the most of a very teachable moment.
Not in this day and age when technology has pretty much taken over every aspect of life. Except behind the bench of a National Hockey League team.
North America’s most successful sport, however, embraces technology. How often do we see in the course of an NFL game the television camera pan over to where the QB is scrutinizing photographs taken moments earlier of his throwing a crucial interception?
Often enough to suggest the concept has merit.
We learn from our mistakes, and we learn best when, having committed them, we’re shown where we went wrong right then and there. It’s that kind of immediate feedback from bosses that employees appreciate most.
Yes, there are assistant coaches to perform such a service, but egos and personalities can get in the way of messages being sent and received in the manner intended. What they need is a teaching tool – and wouldn’t you know it! – the marketplace is now ready to provide one:icePad®, a tablet computer that downloads the broadcast of the game being played at the moment, making it possible to replay, over and over again, each and every mistake an athlete makes.
Such devices would put to good use time otherwise wasted by players waiting for their next shift. Commercial breaks would flatten the learning curve.
icePad®, I’m told, comes equipped with a spit shield and dozens of instructive programs designed to help a player improve his game, from one period to the next. PokeCheck, BackCheck, HipCheck, BounceCzech, BlockShot, IceThePuck, TapeAStick, ToteABarge, LiftABale and many more are available to tutor players in all facets of hockey.
Special apps that offer visual and audio enhancements and the latest in Taser technology maximize the educational value of replays, especially when shown repeatedly and in slow motion.
Models include icePad® Mini for smaller players, Maxi icePad for the larger players.
Boring hockey is a systemic problem
I think I speak for all/most/some/me when I say systems might win you games but, gawd, they can be boring to watch in their execution.
And when they fail to produce the desired result, they’re doubly hard to bear.
Sure I can live with a win by the Canadiens, better yet, a string of them, even if it/they has/have the entertainment value of cement/arteries/attitudes hardening, but, in truth, I probably would enjoy more a few losses along the way if the games were crisp, the action end-to-end, and there were plays, offensively and defensively, so exciting they caused you to leap to your feet/jump in the air/spill your Metamucil.
Now I fully expect to see as many Canadien losses as wins this season but I can handle that if the team shows effort game in, game out, ALONG with huge dollops of creative sparktivity (just like I showed there, coining a word; then again, maybe all I’ve done is stummp Spell Check. It can be kinda wonky).
Anyways, here’s the point I wish to make, and I hope coach Therrien has logged in tonight (any guesses as to who his alias is?): Do away with systems.
Give players free rein to their instincts. Leave them to their own devices (which, in most cases, will still involve hockey sticks but don’t put a straitjacket on their imagination). Let them run wild.
In other words, let CHaos reign (and you wouldn’t even have to change the team’s emblem).
SURELY THIS WILL INVITE DISASTER AND RUIN, MAYBE EVEN BOTH, you respond (hey, there’s no need to shout).
Well, I see things differently (through my nose, but that’s another post).
And I have a recognized authority to back me up. Two of them, in fact: Merriam and Webster (he’s the short one). Here’s what they have to say about chaos: “a state of things in which chance is supreme.”
Let me repeat that for emphasis: “a state in the midwest” – sorry, I lost my spot, here it is: “a state of things in which chance is supreme.”
Now what is hockey all about. Scoring chances. Chances.
So, in my book, any approach that increases those chances, in fact, makes them supreme, has gotta be a good thing. Especially for this team, which was woeful on offence last year.
And embracing CHaos wouldn’t be as big an adjustment as you might think. The team experimented with it last season, and the trial period has continued to this one with the turmoil being caused by Subban’s holdout.
What’s that, Merriam? There’s something else the Canadiens can seize hold of, to achieve success in an unconventional manner? Throw off the shackles of authority, from the top down, to establish “a utopian society of individuals who enjoy complete freedom without government,” or bothersome curfews?
What is this called whereof you speak?
AnarCHy, you say?
Hmmmm.
AnarCHy and CHaos.
It’s all coming together.
A Christmas Homily (CH) intended for an audience almost churchly in the ways it keeps:
Men and women of good character, I bring you good cheer. On the day that celebrates the birth of the Christ child, let us gather in virtual fashion to cherish the company we keep, the choices we’ve made, and the good times to come.
And, verily, they will come though the challenges are great.
I will not chronicle once more, chapter and verse, the hard times that have befallen the bearers of the sacred torch. The chattering churls have done that enough, to chivy supporters who remain true to the bleu blanc et rouge. Let them chaff and chide in pursuit of a chuckle, at the expense of the stalwarts whose allegiance holds firm, as staunch as when first given. Theirs is an unshakeable faith bound up in their very chromosomes.
Yes, chaos reigns as wretches rule, their chicanery hidden beneath an artifice of bewitching words, fouling talks that are supposed to bring two sides together but sow only dissent.
It is a charade that has made a chimera of a season. The chance of any games being played before next fall grows ever slim, my friends, but give not into despair.
This, too, will pass, as other dark ages have done, when charismatic leadership emerges to usher in a new age of chivalry. And the Canadiens, as of old, shall be its chevaliers, leading the charge to victory, while choirs of cherubs sing chansons in tribute to championships won, not tunes that mock and cheapen.
Great will be the flow of champagne once more, and the fans that grew chary of success ever returning will rejoin the chorus of yea-sayers. Sheep returning to the fold, of the flannel.
Blessed be the changes that are to come, fellow keepers of the flame. A team of destiny is set to rise, its chemistry unmistakable. Once more shall our chests swell in pride, led by the Chosen One, the one known as Galchenyuk.
Let us now bow our heads in prayer:
Holy, holy, holy
Ole, ole, ole
Olly olly oxen free
The one who shall lead us to the promised land has been found!
Game over!
A pox on their houses if no deal reached
The growing enmity between the owners and players points to no hockey in the foreseeable future – which, depending on your crystal ball, could be anywhere from 17 minutes to 23 months, 27 months if you bought the Supreme Deluxe model – but I still hold out hope the two sides can work out something soon, if they simply choose another setting in which to conduct their negotiations. Fancy-schmancy hotel suites and conference rooms are no place to talk about a new deal. Too much comfort, too many distractions.
The league and union should look elsewhere to get their house in order – and it's not a courthouse.
Bunkhouse – Keep it simple: a large open room with cots that affords little privacy. That’s right, they stay in the same quarters until a deal is reached. Let ‘em talk bunk for days on end until even they grow weary of hearing the same tired rhetoric and begin turning attention to what the game’s all about. Sitting around a wood stove chatting amiably about the good ole days and the good new days to come. Change the environment: hostile to hostel.
Note: Serve beans exclusively to accelerate the pace of negotiations.
Greenhouse – Move the talks into a setting that nurtures growth and fosters a sense of stewardship, assisted by the strategic application of fertilizer, of which there would be an abundance. The calming effect of being surrounded by non-threatening plant life would ease tensions and create a collegial atmosphere as league and union officials putter about, watering, pruning, and humming softly to the little ones in their care.
Note: Obstreperous negotiators resistant to the charms of gardening would be introduced to Audrey II in the little shop in back.
Lighthouse – Dispel the fog of suspicion and animosity by retiring to a tower that points the way to a safe harbour of labour peace and assured profits. Cramped, spartan living conditions and a big light flashing in your eyes every five seconds should be enough to focus the mind on getting a deal done as soon as possible.
Note: Make use of the hypnotic effect that comes with the sequential flashing of intense light to send a subliminal message that encourages a speedy resolution.
Outhouse – When talks have gone in the crapper, have negotiations follow them into the can. If the two sides can’t be civil, place them in a setting where civilities are in short supply. No private stalls, and just one hole for all the asses in what would be crowded surroundings (and, yeah, the guy on the seat would be surrounded). If that doesn’t lead to expedited talks, the situation’s hopeless.
Note: Encourage the spirit of co-operation by having the negotiations take place in an expanded privvy with a long piece of lumber that hasn’t any openings. Supply a saw and let the two sides work as one on the make-hole provision.
Of course, there are many other places where the CBA talks could be held – the two sides would probably feel the most comfortable in the nuthouse – but, one thing’s for certain, if things continue as they have, the talks are going to wind up in the flophouse.
Disclaimer of interest in the NHL
So the difference being, I take it, is that one side will dissolve to resolve the dispute while the other will litigate to orchestrate an end to the impasse.
Why couldn’t they have agreed to empathize to compromise?
Players voting today on a disclaimer of interest are arriving late at the game. Fans have been weighing in on the subject for weeks, with more and more disclaiming any interest in the National Hockey League the longer the lockout wears on.
Players' days are numbered might not be a bad thing
I know nothing of high finance, even less about corporate law, so what I am about to propose has the benefit of neither wisdom nor experience, but the advantage of simpleminded clarity unclouded by facts.
Make of it what you will.
Perhaps decertification is the way to go, which I am led to believe would open the way to players bargaining on their own behalf, once all the lawsuits are settled, and order is restored in the universe.
Now if that should come to pass that each player is left to his own devices to make the best deal he can, would it be to his gain to make a numbered company of his person? It seems the law and governments are favorably disposed to business, endowing companies with the rights of both individuals and corporations. Players should avail themselves of this same opportunity to better their circumstance.
There would be tax advantages to both sides if the NHL and players were to enter into a different kind of arrangement, in which the league no longer views the players as human beings – said and done – but as ‘service providers’.
The players would have no great objection to being reduced to numbers because for many that is what they are already known by, but it would present a hurdle to play-by-play announcers (“1259367 Ontario Inc. passes over to 49676669 Alberta Inc., who’s tripped up by 6894576594 BC Inc.” Bob Cole would turn blue in the face.)
As I understand it, as explained here, corporations have limited liability, meaning disappointments such as Gomez could hardly be held wholly responsible a team’s sorry performance; “a wider range of financing options”; prestige (athough this claim would be severely put to the test by Marchand and his ilk), and; of course, the ability to enter into contracts.
There is the matter of maintaining records, hereinafter referred to as statistics, as well as electing directors and securing shareholders.
Choosing directors shouldn’t be a problem, that’s what’s families are for.
Shareholders? That’s why God made fans. Think of the tidal wave of excitement that would accompany Sidney Crosby’s initial public offering; it would mark the first time the superstar, a very private individual, would be publicly traded. Imagine owning a piece of Crosby (the empire, that is).
Having said all this, it could very well be that what I’ve just described does, in fact, currently exist in some fashion between athlete and team, having never seen an NHL contract, nor been offered one. In which case the 29 minutes I spent exhaustively researching this subject, assimilating massive amounts of detail, and putting together this suggestion was time misspent.
To which I add my apology for the three minutes it consumed of your existence (19 minutes, if you’re a troll).
I know nothing of high finance, even less about corporate law, so what I am about to propose has the benefit of neither wisdom nor experience, but the advantage of simpleminded clarity unclouded by facts.
Make of it what you will.
Perhaps decertification is the way to go, which I am led to believe would open the way to players bargaining on their own behalf, once all the lawsuits are settled, and order is restored in the universe.
Now if that should come to pass that each player is left to his own devices to make the best deal he can, would it be to his gain to make a numbered company of his person? It seems the law and governments are favorably disposed to business, endowing companies with the rights of both individuals and corporations. Players should avail themselves of this same opportunity to better their circumstance.
There would be tax advantages to both sides if the NHL and players were to enter into a different kind of arrangement, in which the league no longer views the players as human beings – said and done – but as ‘service providers’.
The players would have no great objection to being reduced to numbers because for many that is what they are already known by, but it would present a hurdle to play-by-play announcers (“1259367 Ontario Inc. passes over to 49676669 Alberta Inc., who’s tripped up by 6894576594 BC Inc.” Bob Cole would turn blue in the face.)
As I understand it, as explained here, corporations have limited liability, meaning disappointments such as Gomez could hardly be held wholly responsible a team’s sorry performance; “a wider range of financing options”; prestige (athough this claim would be severely put to the test by Marchand and his ilk), and; of course, the ability to enter into contracts.
There is the matter of maintaining records, hereinafter referred to as statistics, as well as electing directors and securing shareholders.
Choosing directors shouldn’t be a problem, that’s what’s families are for.
Shareholders? That’s why God made fans. Think of the tidal wave of excitement that would accompany Sidney Crosby’s initial public offering; it would mark the first time the superstar, a very private individual, would be publicly traded. Imagine owning a piece of Crosby (the empire, that is).
Having said all this, it could very well be that what I’ve just described does, in fact, currently exist in some fashion between athlete and team, having never seen an NHL contract, nor been offered one. In which case the 29 minutes I spent exhaustively researching this subject, assimilating massive amounts of detail, and putting together this suggestion was time misspent.
To which I add my apology for the three minutes it consumed of your existence (19 minutes, if you’re a troll).
Let's give these guys a chance, okay?
Optimism is muted that the addition of mediators will somehow remove the logjam of differences that have bogged down contract talks.
But there is reason to feel hopeful. Mediators are but the first row in a platoon of professionals adept in the arts of persuasion. Here is the full complement:
Mediators – diplomats skilled at lowering the temperature of the room as a prelude to facilitating discussions free of rancor and recrimination
Defibillators – walking ‘lie detectors’ whose keen insights into human behaviour enable them to detect falsehoods and prevarication
Castrators – specialists whose grasp of issues and other weighty matters ensures the rapt attention of listeners and an absence of dissent.
Fornicators – robust individuals whose propensity to ‘screw things up’ serves as a negative example; also known to instil fear in all-male gatherings
Radiators – experts summoned when things get heated and a cooling-off period is required before talks can continue
Elevators – extraordinary speakers whose uplifting oratory raises the spirits of all those involved
Procrastinators – masters of delay whose infuriating habit of putting off matters so frustrates their victims they take the initiative to move things along on their own
Senators – superannuatedgenarians of no discernible purpose, other than to provide comic relief
Commentators – self-appointed pundits whose annoying presence spurs parties to negotiate all the harder
Alligators – carnivores brought in to ‘close a deal’, widely admired for not being averse to devouring lawyers
Yesterday's rags
Discarded thoughts left at the curbside of irrelevance to be picked up by the ragpickers of history: Speaking of things in need of removal, it’s time the NHL decommissioned its commissioner. Such a process usually involves terminating the services of a ship, but in this case, it’s the captain that warrants dismissal. Bettman’s determination to turn a luxury cruise ship into a cruiser engaged in a constant state of war will ultimately prove to be ruinous. How often can a skipper run a ship aground before he’s found incompetent? … Do they still manufacture handkerchiefs? Would you buy one at a yard sale? … I’m all for dessertification. If the team owners could somehow sweeten the pot, (after offering a smaller piece of the pie), I’m sure that would bring the players back to the bargaining table prepared to conclude a meal, er, deal … HIO is now the website of record for three kinds of seasons: fantasy, fantastic, and phantom (as in non-existent and elusive). The NHL and players could put a stop to this whole fandangle if they got off their fannies and applied themselves to reaching an agreement – but they’d only do that if they really cared about the fan … The CFL did a great job creating buzz in the weeks leading up to today’s championship, the game’s centenary. Its special documentary, 100 years of Grey, the league’s answer to the bestselling series of novels, drew a lot of comment, especially the segment on the notorious 1962 championship game – the 50th Grey (literally) Cup – played in Toronto. The footage, shown for the first time in public, revealed some of the kinky things that went on under the cover of fog, in Exhibition Stadium. No wonder they didn’t finish the game until the next day.
As for the Mud Bowl ...
Today's quizzical
Random thoughts of an inquisitive nature culled from a disorderly mind presented in a haphazard manner … What’s the problem with the players demanding they be paid in full for a season with fewer than 82 games? I’m sure the players will commit to giving 110 per cent effort, 115 per cent if necessary, to make up the difference. The league could also introduce 30-minute periods if the owners are hell-bent on getting their money’s worth…From when-will-they-learn department, why do villains with weapons stand within 10 feet of an unarmed Bond and think they have the upper hand? Who does their scouting?…Why are sitcoms the only television shows with canned audience reaction? Why aren’t dramas broadcast complete with recorded shrieks, groans, gasps, snorts, and other sounds viewers are likely to make at key points in an episode? And why doesn’t Coach’s Corner have a laugh track? … Why hasn’t anyone asked super statistician Nate Silver for his take on when the CBA will be signed? Surely it wouldn’t be hard for a man of his talents to develop a lockoutrithm based on egotistics to determine the likely date a deal gets signed. I have a suspicion he’d answer: “When hell freezes over.” Which might not be that remote a possibility, given the polarizing effect the two chief negotiators have … There are more than seven billion people in the world. How the hell did the NHL end up with both Bettman and Fehr? … It is a trope of science fiction that Earth’s warring nations would unite to combat an external threat from outer space. Not being able to count on the Martians to suddenly assail team owners and players over stalled contract talks, what Earth-born enemy common to both sides could force them into forming an alliance and signing a deal? And does it have a Twitter account? (You can rule out fans. They have the financial means to do great harm but for the most part choose not to use it.)
Random thoughts of an inquisitive nature culled from a disorderly mind presented in a haphazard manner … What’s the problem with the players demanding they be paid in full for a season with fewer than 82 games? I’m sure the players will commit to giving 110 per cent effort, 115 per cent if necessary, to make up the difference. The league could also introduce 30-minute periods if the owners are hell-bent on getting their money’s worth…From when-will-they-learn department, why do villains with weapons stand within 10 feet of an unarmed Bond and think they have the upper hand? Who does their scouting?…Why are sitcoms the only television shows with canned audience reaction? Why aren’t dramas broadcast complete with recorded shrieks, groans, gasps, snorts, and other sounds viewers are likely to make at key points in an episode? And why doesn’t Coach’s Corner have a laugh track? … Why hasn’t anyone asked super statistician Nate Silver for his take on when the CBA will be signed? Surely it wouldn’t be hard for a man of his talents to develop a lockoutrithm based on egotistics to determine the likely date a deal gets signed. I have a suspicion he’d answer: “When hell freezes over.” Which might not be that remote a possibility, given the polarizing effect the two chief negotiators have … There are more than seven billion people in the world. How the hell did the NHL end up with both Bettman and Fehr? … It is a trope of science fiction that Earth’s warring nations would unite to combat an external threat from outer space. Not being able to count on the Martians to suddenly assail team owners and players over stalled contract talks, what Earth-born enemy common to both sides could force them into forming an alliance and signing a deal? And does it have a Twitter account? (You can rule out fans. They have the financial means to do great harm but for the most part choose not to use it.)
Great moments in history
A two-week moratorium on CBA negotiations is a good thing.
To start with, it will temporarily put an end to incessant talk about talks that were going nowhere.
More importantly, however, is that by stepping away from the bargaining table, Bettman and Fehr could be setting the stage for a dramatic breakthrough.
As long as they don’t try to do too much (which seems a pretty safe bet).
Consider how many great moments in history have occurred when the destiny of certain figures was decided by happenstance rather than the application of will to a particular purpose.
Let’s start with Archimedes who happened to be stepping into a bath when he came up with his famous principle: the volume of water displaced is equal to the volume of that part of a person that is submerged.
He also discovered he should have tested the bath before entering the hot water poured by his servant, Eureka, who yelled “Archimedes!” but too late to prevent his master from getting scorched, and the servant fired.
Next we have Saul of Tarsus who was out for a walk one day – okay, he was on his way to Damascus to arrest followers of Jesus – when he was blinded by a brilliant light, accompanied by a voice that asked: “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”
The voice said it was Jesus, and He had reason to be ticked, because He had been crucified. But Jesus, being a decent fellow with a good upbringing and a godparent to die for, wasn’t one to hold a grudge, so He told Saul to go into town and spend some time with a guy named Judas, while He arranged for a disciple, Ananias, to pay him a visit. When Ananias got there, he laid his hands on Saul and, voila! the Pharisee could see again!
Not 100 per cent, mind you. Saul wrote a lot of letters after that and he signed them Paul.
There’s more. Sir Isaac Newton, “considered by many to be the greatest and most influential scientist who ever lived,” was sitting under an apple tree with nobody else but him when, legend has it, an apple fell on his noggin and, hoo boy! the universal law of gravitation was born.
Newton was so struck – literally – by this unorthodox means of discovery that he experimented with other fruits but, sad to say, no additional scientific laws came to mind (his, in particular), try though he did with bananas, pears, strawberries, and blackberries. He abandoned the experiment after suffering a series of concussions resulting from the use of coconuts as a source of inspiration.
The point, if you insist, is that all three fellows responsible for extraordinary advances in mankind’s understanding of the universe did so while doing normal things: taking a bath, going for a walk, sitting beneath a tree.
No such great things are expected of Bettman and Fehr during the moratorium but something nice could occur if they just let happenstance play its part – with a bit of a nudge.
A sudden conclusion to the CBA stalemate could miraculously occur if, perchance, Bettman were to go for a walk on the road to Damascus (it’s lovely this time of year, I”ve heard) and if Fehr were to take a bath and be struck by an apple or two, and prove once again that the amount of water displaced by the part – preferably whole – of a human body is equal to that said part – preferably whole – that is submerged.
The outcome of such events might well be viewed by hockey-starved fans as benevolent acts by a caring god.
Or damn good luck.
Ghost of a chance lockout could end
They started showing up a week ago. There was three or four the first day, more than a dozen the next. By the end of the week over a hundred had signed me on.
They wanted to launch a class action snoop and they were looking for someone they could trust to get the job done. That’s why they chose me, Lou Shrapnel, PEI. Private Eye Investigator.
I was leery at first. The first one through the door had been a blonde bombshell. If her good looks didn’t make a man leer, he had a heart of stone, and an organ that had never known what it meant to be hard.
I told them my services didn’t come cheap and they’d have to cover all my expenses. Wine, women and song included. The sunflower seeds I’d pay out of my own pocket.
They didn’t care. They just wanted answers, the quicker the better.
By the time I finished interviewing the seventh client, I knew this was going to be my toughest assignment yet, tougher than figuring out the Caramilk secret (it involves laser beams, a colander and winches, in case you’re wondering).
By the time I finished interviewing the 117th and last client, I was beginning to think I had bitten off more than I could chew. But that’s what I had thought with the Caramilk case, so I did what I had done before to calm my nerves. Turned on Bill O'Reilly. The show, not the man. After watching him for five minutes, I knew I was a genius. He has that effect on people.
Feeling smarter than I had in a week, I went over my notes.
Fact: 1994-95 – 468 NHL games cancelled
Fact: 2004-2005 – 1,230 games cancelled
Fact: 2012-13 – hundreds of NHL games had already been cancelled and it was an open secret that more were about to be knocked off. Some were predicting a whole season’s worth.
Yep, there was a serial game killer on the loose.
The question was: who?
II
The number one suspect, according to every client I spoke to, was Bettman, aka the Hittman, a hired gun paid to do the dirty work of 30 gang leaders.
I didn’t buy it. Sure, he might have pulled the trigger more than 2,000 times but he wasn’t acting on his own. You didn’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out there’s no way 30 mob bosses would order a hit on their principal sources of income, which were bringing in $3.3 billion a year. They’d have to be idiots.
Okay, I couldn't rule that out but there had to be someone else lurking in the shadows pulling the strings. Bettman was just the main puppet. A martinet, yes, but when you came right down to it, no better than a marionette.
A guy that stiff, it was obvious he was being manipulated.
Who had that kind of pull?
I called up the Highly Intelligent One – HIO to his buddies and me – to see if he could give me a lead. He couldn’t. He had been too busy the last month cleaning out his garage waiting for the lockout to end. I turned down his offer to buy an early 20th century elephant foot umbrella stand for five bucks. It was a steal at four.
I paid Milt Dunno, the original hockey insider, a visit at his radio station. He had just finished recording his one-minute face wash segment for his daily show when I put the question to him: Who’s responsible for killing so many NHL games?
Old guys are pasty-faced at best but I could have sworn Dunno blanched when I asked him. He stumbled over his words, the guy who makes a living out of talking, trying to give me an answer that wasn’t an answer. He knew something but he wasn’t about to tell me.
I left him sputtering after giving him a face wash. A taste of his own medicine and it didn’t go down well.
I went home to an apartment as empty as my prospects were in solving this case. I opened the door, turned on the light, and saw I had company.
“You!”
III
I quickly recovered and added a ‘Hello’ but my momentary lapse in observing the simplest of social graces had offended my uninvited guest. He pointed a Glock G17 at my forehead.
“Sit down, please,” he said.
I did as I was told.
“Get off my lap, you idiot!” he shouted.
Now who was lacking in manners but I wisely chose to remain silent. I sat down in the one chair that didn’t have a pizza box as a seat cushion.
I couldn’t stop staring.
“Harold Ballard? Harold E. Ballard?’ I whispered, shaking my head.
“Well, it’s not Alfred E. Neuman,” my guest replied, with a slight smile, the only thing slight about him, ignoring for the moment his sleight of hand with certain funds belonging to Maple Leaf Gardens decades ago.
“But you’re, you’re dead!”
“Only in the flesh, Shrapnel. It’s a bit of an inconvenience, I grant you, but I don’t have to worry about dry cleaning bills.”
He lowered his gun. It was now pointed at my groin. I still wasn’t feeling the love.
“What’s it like in the after-life?” I asked, trying to make conversation.
“I’m a lot more transparent than I used to be.”
He was right, I could see through him, but I had attributed it to 30 years of being a private detective.
“How can you hold a pistol?”
“Well, I’ve always been a grasping individual, that didn’t stop when my life did.”
Ballard shifted his weight and rested the pistol in his lap. My groin breathed a sigh of relief.
“Why are you here, Mr. Ballard?”
“I want you to quit nosing around. What’s happening in the NHL is no concern of yours.”
“But it is for the more than 100 people who hired me. They paid me to do a job and I intend to deliver as promised.”
“Dead men can’t deliver,” Ballard said, and pointed his pistol at my stomach. Now it was my belly’s turn to ache.
A wrathful wraith – the wurth kind.
“Why are you so concerned what happens to the NHL?” I snarled, just to show him his gun didn’t scare me. It was the bullet that was making me nervous.
“A smart ass, eh? Well, here’s why, wise guy. They said I turned Toronto into the laughing-stock of the NHL when I was the owner. And Leaf fans hated my guts. My feelings got hurt so I vowed on my deathbed I’d get even with them all. And I have.”
“How?”
“Who do you think is responsible for all those work stoppages? A twerp like Bettman? The 30 bozos he works for? Ha! It was me! And now who’s the laughing-stock throughout the sports world? The NHL! And, best of all, the Leafs won’t get to play in the Winter Classic now. Those poor wittle Weaf fans. I’d said I’d get even and I have. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
The guy was your typical armed and dangerous lunatic. Except for one thing.
“Okay, I get it, those guys are behaving liking idiots so you fit right in. They’re brain dead, but you, you’re the total package. How can you get your way from beyond the grave?”
“I take possession whenever it suits my purposes. Not that it's hard. Bunch of empty suits for the most part. I soften them up first by planting a few dollar signs in their feeble little minds and then I enter their bodies. Bettman’s the easiest. There's no soul to wrestle with to take command.
Well, Shrapnel, it’s been a pleasure shooting the breeze with you, now I’ve got another target in mind.”
Ballard raised the pistol so it was aimed at my heart, prompting a chorus of ‘Riiiiiiight!’ from dozens of dames in my head. Were they doubting my heart's existence or giving Pal Hal the thumbs up?
I didn’t wait around for an answer.
“YOLANDA!” I screamed.
Terrified, Ballard rose to his feet, swivelling his head. I kicked the Glock out of his ethereal hand, and picked up the pistol from the floor.
“YOLANDA!” I screamed once more.
Ballard shuddered and couldn’t stop vibrating. He shook and he shook and then he shook some more.
And then he was gone. Forever. I hoped.
I called up my clients next day with the good news. There would be a deal between the owners and the players on the table within three days, with the teams back to playing before the end of the month.
I made an appointment to see Bettman next Thursday. Just to say hello ... and scream YOLANDA!
You can never be too sure.
The truth about hockey
The federal government needs to take a long, hard look at the harm being done by the supposed stewards of Canada’s favourite sport. Their lockout is causing fans a great deal of pain.
It’s not the first time teams’ loyal followers have suffered at the hands of the NHL and the players’ association. Work stoppages have become the norm and fans should expect more of the same in the future. But even with that knowledge, most will not give up their love of the game.
It’s an addiction, really, a form of self-abuse that most devotees of the sport are powerless to stop. But that doesn’t mean the federal government shouldn’t try, or at least prevent the next generation from getting hooked on hockey.
How? Do what was done to curb smoking: Use graphic images to deter the young from taking up a habit that saps the soul and ruins lives.
Where would these images be found? On every game ticket.
What would they show? Fans whose chests have been ripped open and their hearts torn out. Fans banging their head against a rec room wall covered with their favourite teams’ memorabilia. Fans bug-eyed and drooling, strumming their lips with their fingers. Fans with bags over their heads. Plastic bags.
Season passes would be even more graphic: photos of Bettman and Fehr smiling.
The photos would come with hard-hitting messages, of course: Hockey Causes Heartbreak; Hockey Is A Major Cause Of Cardiac Arrest; When You’re Watching Hockey, You’re Not Living Life; Being A Bruin Fan Lowers Your IQ.
And detestimonials:
‘I wish I had never started following hockey. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person, with a good-paying job, a lovely wife and three great kids. Then my boss gave me tickets to a Leaf game. It’s been downhill ever since.”
The anti-cigarette campaign had an impact on the cancer sticks industry. A similar campaign could do likewise with the hockey sticks people.
50/50 Shades of Grey
The ongoing saga of the CBA talks, which have turned on how all hockey-related revenue is to be divided, has been captured in a blockbuster novel. Here’s a synopsis of the plot that has propelled 50/50 Shades of Grey into this year’s number one bestseller.
Warning: The following contains graphic content. For mature readers only.
Bonnie Fehr bit her lip as she fought back tears. Never had she been so humiliated. She had stayed up all night to put together three draft proposals for her contract law professor, the enigmatic, darkly handsome, intriguingly short Christian Bettman, only to have the assignment flung in her flace… face… oh, she was so flustered!
“Thoroughly disappointed,” he had snapped at her, and his words were as acid as they fell on her skin. His spittle was hot with spite, and it seared the flesh.
She felt pain – and something else! A stirring she had experienced only once before, when she had eaten an ice cream cone too fast and given herself a brain freeze – initial delight giving way to terrible agony.
Was Christian Bettman to be her spumoni?
Bonnie turned her head away to hide the shame of her failure and to escape the cold, cruel stare of her tormentor … and, dare she say it, her master?
“None of your three variations even approach the 50-50 target I had set for your assignment,” Bettman sneered. “Either at all or for some long period of time.”
A pause.
“I expected more of you, Ms. Fehr.”
Dear God, his hand was upon her shoulder! She willed herself to remain conscious.
“I tell you what. I’ll give you one more chance to make this right. Work on it for the rest of the afternoon and then come see me tonight at my suite. I’m sure you can come up with something better.
“By the way are you double-jointed?”
Chapter Two
Bonnie stood outside Bettman’s door, her right hand poised to knock. She hesitated. What was she doing here? Was she walking into a situation where she’d feel trapped for the rest of her life? Why was the peephole waist high?
The door suddenly opened and there stood Bettman, in dark blue silk kimono pyjamas, a silken smile giving his face an eerie glow. A closer look revealed it was a lava lamp off to the right that illuminated the room, as it destroyed the village of Pompeii and its panicked residents every two minutes.
“Ein der luckenbach heiderhosen guten dag.”
Uh? was what Bonnie wanted to say but she recovered and said instead: “What?”
“Ein der luckenbach heiderhosen guten dag.”
This time a bit more forcefully.
Now Bonnie was thoroughly bewildered, and beginning to feel like a Pompeiian. Panicky.
Suddenly, a grin broke across the lower part of Bettman’s upper body.
“I’m sorry, it appears we weren’t speaking the same language. Is this better?”
Bonnie sighed and allowed Bettman to usher her into the room – and straight to his office!
“Okay, Ms. Fehr, let’s hear what you have to offer with your new proposal.”
As Bonnie removed the 45 pages of the detailed contract she had prepared from her handbag, Bettman busied himself pulling out various instruments from a side drawer of his magnificent oak desk, unusual not only for its mammoth dimensions but also by the presence of a pillory at one end and a rack at the other.
“Never mind, Ms. Fehr. I’ve written up some agreements myself, which I think you’ll find will serve as a model for the sort of arrangement I’m looking for. I can assure you it will improve your understanding of where our relationship is headed. No more confusion.”
Wide-eyed, but strangely without fear – the manacles and handcuffs Bettman held in his hands she found strangely comforting – Bonnie gratefully accepted the paperwork handed her.
“The first agreement is non-disclosure, the second contract is one of dominance and submission” – for the first time in her life Bonnie knew fully what it meant to swoon – “and the third one talks about escrow.”
The excitement was too much. Bonnie slid off the chair onto the floor. Ecstacy was writ large upon her face.
“Escrow,” she sighed: The bond that ties people together.
She didn’t care what other people would think.
Bettman picked up a feather duster.
“I do hope you’re ticklish,” he said, as he pulled off her shoes.
“A little song, a little dance, Holy cow! What’s in your pants?”
To boldly go where no man has gone before
(Oct. 20, 2012)
Captain’s log, stardate 4304.8
Spock and I, and the crew of the Enterprise, are to return to Earth to mediate in a longstanding dispute between a warrior tribe and a hostile entity known as The Sootz.
Little life remains on the planet that gave birth to mankind. Its ecosystems were destroyed by centuries of abuse, forcing the warring nations to finally come together and craft a desperate plan to save the species by colonizing distant worlds.
Given a second chance, we have spread our seed across the universe in harmony. Among our own kind, humans have known peace unlike any they have experienced in their eons of existence.
What’s happening on Earth reminds us of what we once were: divided, suspicious, foolish.
This could be Spock’s and my greatest challenge.
Captain’s log, stardate 4317.2
It’s worse than I ever have imagined or Spock postulated. These people are mad! Stark, raving lunatics! On the one side are the Playerz, gladiators-for-hire who once earned fabulous riches while in the employ of the Sootz, whose great wealth is now just a faint memory.
Today both sides are enfeebled members of the idle class, leading lives of subsistence, characterized by intense bitterness toward one another.
The retail of spurious artifacts called souvenirs and forged autographs of heroes long ago is their sole means of income. Incredibly, there is still a market for these false goods among the descendants of fans who moved on with their lives to other planets, but inherited a predilection for items emblematic of a joyful period in a time of turmoil. Researchers refer to this as “pseudo-nostalgia.”
Our initial contact did not go well with the leaders of either group, der Fehrer XIV and Bettman 9.0. Both are entrenched in a power struggle that has consumed their families and symbiotic hosts for generations.
A fresh start tomorrow might provide us with reason for hope.
Captain’s log, stardate 4365.1
Repeated and exhaustive attempts at mediating a settlement have failed miserably. Spock tried to effect a rapprochement between der Fehrer XV and Bettman 9.5 by means of a mind meld but he came up empty-headed. He’s off on sick leave, leaving me to tackle this quandary alone.
I recruited one of my senior officers to exercise her diplomatic charms but the two idiots spurned Urwoohoo’s advances. There’s something definitely wrong with these guys.
I’ll ask Bones to do a check-up on ALL the disputants.
Captain’s log, stardate 43068.4
Bones turned in the results of his scans today. It’s serious. The Playerz, the Sootz and their two leaders have suffered extensive genetic damage over time. Their CBA has mutated! They’re incapable of reaching agreement on anything substantive.
Bones confirmed there’s nothing medicine can do to turn off the hereditary mechanism that predisposes them to mutual hatred. They are doomed to disagree for eternity!
Captain’s log, stardate 4401.6
The Enterprise is heading back home, with everyone aboard in great spirits. They were feeling low for awhile after I destroyed Earth with a particle beam weapon we have on loan, even though I had made it clear Earth needed to be obliterated to sanitize, or rather, dehumanize the solar system and prevent the spread of discord across the universe.
But those frowns soon turned to smiles when I announced each crew member was receiving a tonne apiece of the Earth’s remnants we have in tow with the tractor beam. Those souvenir pieces will sell like Turkana hot cakes once the fans hear about them. Certified, too.
(Spock’s not getting any. Serves the Vulcan right for going wimpy on me.)
(Oct. 20, 2012)
Captain’s log, stardate 4304.8
Spock and I, and the crew of the Enterprise, are to return to Earth to mediate in a longstanding dispute between a warrior tribe and a hostile entity known as The Sootz.
Little life remains on the planet that gave birth to mankind. Its ecosystems were destroyed by centuries of abuse, forcing the warring nations to finally come together and craft a desperate plan to save the species by colonizing distant worlds.
Given a second chance, we have spread our seed across the universe in harmony. Among our own kind, humans have known peace unlike any they have experienced in their eons of existence.
What’s happening on Earth reminds us of what we once were: divided, suspicious, foolish.
This could be Spock’s and my greatest challenge.
Captain’s log, stardate 4317.2
It’s worse than I ever have imagined or Spock postulated. These people are mad! Stark, raving lunatics! On the one side are the Playerz, gladiators-for-hire who once earned fabulous riches while in the employ of the Sootz, whose great wealth is now just a faint memory.
Today both sides are enfeebled members of the idle class, leading lives of subsistence, characterized by intense bitterness toward one another.
The retail of spurious artifacts called souvenirs and forged autographs of heroes long ago is their sole means of income. Incredibly, there is still a market for these false goods among the descendants of fans who moved on with their lives to other planets, but inherited a predilection for items emblematic of a joyful period in a time of turmoil. Researchers refer to this as “pseudo-nostalgia.”
Our initial contact did not go well with the leaders of either group, der Fehrer XIV and Bettman 9.0. Both are entrenched in a power struggle that has consumed their families and symbiotic hosts for generations.
A fresh start tomorrow might provide us with reason for hope.
Captain’s log, stardate 4365.1
Repeated and exhaustive attempts at mediating a settlement have failed miserably. Spock tried to effect a rapprochement between der Fehrer XV and Bettman 9.5 by means of a mind meld but he came up empty-headed. He’s off on sick leave, leaving me to tackle this quandary alone.
I recruited one of my senior officers to exercise her diplomatic charms but the two idiots spurned Urwoohoo’s advances. There’s something definitely wrong with these guys.
I’ll ask Bones to do a check-up on ALL the disputants.
Captain’s log, stardate 43068.4
Bones turned in the results of his scans today. It’s serious. The Playerz, the Sootz and their two leaders have suffered extensive genetic damage over time. Their CBA has mutated! They’re incapable of reaching agreement on anything substantive.
Bones confirmed there’s nothing medicine can do to turn off the hereditary mechanism that predisposes them to mutual hatred. They are doomed to disagree for eternity!
Captain’s log, stardate 4401.6
The Enterprise is heading back home, with everyone aboard in great spirits. They were feeling low for awhile after I destroyed Earth with a particle beam weapon we have on loan, even though I had made it clear Earth needed to be obliterated to sanitize, or rather, dehumanize the solar system and prevent the spread of discord across the universe.
But those frowns soon turned to smiles when I announced each crew member was receiving a tonne apiece of the Earth’s remnants we have in tow with the tractor beam. Those souvenir pieces will sell like Turkana hot cakes once the fans hear about them. Certified, too.
(Spock’s not getting any. Serves the Vulcan right for going wimpy on me.)
Montreal opts for slash-and-burn hockey
(October 22, 2011)
If hockey players lived in the real world …
MONTREAL – Add the Montreal Canadiens to the list of corporate giants who are radically slashing their workforce as the recession deepens.
The NHL team announced today it is laying off 72 employees, including five forwards, three defencemen and a goalie.
“It’s a sad day for a storied franchise but we had no other choice,” a somber Geoff Molson, owner of the Canadiens, told a subdued throng of sport reporters, who struggled to free themselves from their restraints.
“Profits were trending downward over the last 27 hours so we had to act quickly to staunch the flow of black ink,” Molson said. “It’s never easy have to let go people who have been like family to you. In fact, 28 of them are, mostly cousins, nieces and nephews.”
Molson acknowledged the cuts will create challenges for the company moving forward but he expressed confidence that all departments will make the necessary adjustments. Coach Jacques Martin said dressing nine fewer players for the game will test The System but he also put on a brave front that the challenge can be met.
“We’re going to go with two-and-a-half lines and one-and-a-half defensive pairings playing three minute shifts,” Martin said.
The veteran coach admitted he was shocked that one of the players to receive a pink slip was Carey Price but his $3 million salary was “low hanging fruit for the bean-counters,” Martin said.
He made it clear he had faith that second-string netminder Peter Budaj, “the 1.25 million-dollar man,” will perform capably in a starting role.
Martin explained that Hal Gill was kept over Jaroslav Spacek, Josh Gorges and Yannick Weber to serve as Budaj’s backup, should the need arise.
“He’s not your classic butterfly-style goaltender but we believe his snow angel can be just as effective,” Martin said.
The coach offered condolences to Lars Eller, Dennis Desharnais, Max Pacioretty, Andre Kostitsyn and Travis Moen, who will be joining the unemployment line (subject to tweaking). None of the players had a no-layoff clause in his contract.
Martin’s two assistant coaches, Randy Cunneyworth and Randy Ladouceur, held on to their jobs but are being asked to take on extra roles to fill newly created vacancies: trainer, bus driver, assistant general manager, scout, IT director, special events co-ordinator and media relations officer.
Molson said more changes might be coming, as other NHL teams try to cope with recession’s cross-check to their bottom line. He suggested some teams could be forced to combine operations in order to survive.
“A lot of people have been clamouring for a contraction of the league for years,” Molson said. “Well, those people may finally get their wish.”
Some of the team marriages could wind up being the result of hostile mergers, the Canadiens’ owner said, hinting the Toronto Maple Leafs have made noises behind the scenes about acquiring their hated rival.
Molson also said the layoffs and talk of “truculent” corporate takeovers will all become moot if Scott Gomez goes on injury reserve for an extended period.
“If that happens, we’ll be able to re-hire all the people we laid off,” he said, “and maybe even hire a few more.”
— “Let the ruling classes tremble at a communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Workingmen of all countries, unite!” — Karl Marx
(October 22, 2011)
If hockey players lived in the real world …
MONTREAL – Add the Montreal Canadiens to the list of corporate giants who are radically slashing their workforce as the recession deepens.
The NHL team announced today it is laying off 72 employees, including five forwards, three defencemen and a goalie.
“It’s a sad day for a storied franchise but we had no other choice,” a somber Geoff Molson, owner of the Canadiens, told a subdued throng of sport reporters, who struggled to free themselves from their restraints.
“Profits were trending downward over the last 27 hours so we had to act quickly to staunch the flow of black ink,” Molson said. “It’s never easy have to let go people who have been like family to you. In fact, 28 of them are, mostly cousins, nieces and nephews.”
Molson acknowledged the cuts will create challenges for the company moving forward but he expressed confidence that all departments will make the necessary adjustments. Coach Jacques Martin said dressing nine fewer players for the game will test The System but he also put on a brave front that the challenge can be met.
“We’re going to go with two-and-a-half lines and one-and-a-half defensive pairings playing three minute shifts,” Martin said.
The veteran coach admitted he was shocked that one of the players to receive a pink slip was Carey Price but his $3 million salary was “low hanging fruit for the bean-counters,” Martin said.
He made it clear he had faith that second-string netminder Peter Budaj, “the 1.25 million-dollar man,” will perform capably in a starting role.
Martin explained that Hal Gill was kept over Jaroslav Spacek, Josh Gorges and Yannick Weber to serve as Budaj’s backup, should the need arise.
“He’s not your classic butterfly-style goaltender but we believe his snow angel can be just as effective,” Martin said.
The coach offered condolences to Lars Eller, Dennis Desharnais, Max Pacioretty, Andre Kostitsyn and Travis Moen, who will be joining the unemployment line (subject to tweaking). None of the players had a no-layoff clause in his contract.
Martin’s two assistant coaches, Randy Cunneyworth and Randy Ladouceur, held on to their jobs but are being asked to take on extra roles to fill newly created vacancies: trainer, bus driver, assistant general manager, scout, IT director, special events co-ordinator and media relations officer.
Molson said more changes might be coming, as other NHL teams try to cope with recession’s cross-check to their bottom line. He suggested some teams could be forced to combine operations in order to survive.
“A lot of people have been clamouring for a contraction of the league for years,” Molson said. “Well, those people may finally get their wish.”
Some of the team marriages could wind up being the result of hostile mergers, the Canadiens’ owner said, hinting the Toronto Maple Leafs have made noises behind the scenes about acquiring their hated rival.
Molson also said the layoffs and talk of “truculent” corporate takeovers will all become moot if Scott Gomez goes on injury reserve for an extended period.
“If that happens, we’ll be able to re-hire all the people we laid off,” he said, “and maybe even hire a few more.”
— “Let the ruling classes tremble at a communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Workingmen of all countries, unite!” — Karl Marx