Migraine? Uh, no
(March 22, 2022)
Idea for editorial cartoon: [Putin is rubbing his forehead, in obvious agony] Russian general, off to one side, asks another: "Migraine?" Second general: "Ukraine."
(March 22, 2022)
Idea for editorial cartoon: [Putin is rubbing his forehead, in obvious agony] Russian general, off to one side, asks another: "Migraine?" Second general: "Ukraine."
Habs needed a saint in a season that's been hell
(Feb. 12, 2022)
“If (there’s) anything this team needs right now, it’s to have fun,” says the new coach of the Canadiens, Martin St. Louis, while emphasizing, by way of a drill, the need for players to process what's happening on the ice more quickly in order to make better decisions.
FUNdamental hockey -- that's the ticket!
Effort and joy, coupled with smarts, provide the winning edge. And a whole lot of entertainment.
I might start watching Hab games regularly again.
If the new coach can turn the Canadiens around, he'll live up to his name (the St. part) for the team's many fans who worship the team but became apostates this season.
(Feb. 12, 2022)
“If (there’s) anything this team needs right now, it’s to have fun,” says the new coach of the Canadiens, Martin St. Louis, while emphasizing, by way of a drill, the need for players to process what's happening on the ice more quickly in order to make better decisions.
FUNdamental hockey -- that's the ticket!
Effort and joy, coupled with smarts, provide the winning edge. And a whole lot of entertainment.
I might start watching Hab games regularly again.
If the new coach can turn the Canadiens around, he'll live up to his name (the St. part) for the team's many fans who worship the team but became apostates this season.
Vain is the man who raises a thumb
(Nov. 25, 2021)
Vain is the man who raises a thumb
In praise of himself for what he's become
But the worst kind of prig
Has an ego so big
That he pats himself right on the bum
(Nov. 25, 2021)
Vain is the man who raises a thumb
In praise of himself for what he's become
But the worst kind of prig
Has an ego so big
That he pats himself right on the bum
Blame the Boom-Boomers (as in Geoffrion)
(Nov. 20, 2021)
It was the Boom-Boomers, winning all those Cups, who spoiled it for a later generation of fans, creating unrealistic expectations, like a Cup every 25 years.
(Nov. 20, 2021)
It was the Boom-Boomers, winning all those Cups, who spoiled it for a later generation of fans, creating unrealistic expectations, like a Cup every 25 years.
It's not about miracle candidates
(Nov. 19, 2021)
One fan's observation: When you only consider 8-10% of hockey minds due to language, your intention isn't to win at all costs. French or English, fans deserve the best. Period. Just win.
Another fan's response: In situations like this, I always wonder who these miracle candidates are out there we are missing on?
If Trotz shakes loose, then I'm prepared for an argument.
It's not about miracle candidates. It's about casting your net wider when filling a position which, as we have seen with Bergevin, is of considerable importance.
What kind of reputation does Montreal currently enjoy and what glory does it bring to the province when it's been piss-poor for years but its saving grace is that it can trumpet its failures in both languages?
I would dearly love for the Canadiens to find a miracle francophone GM or coach, that would be my first choice, but when you haven't had any sustained success with the same approach that hasn't worked in decades, you might want to consider other options.
God, we excoriate coaches who keep using the same system with miserable results year after year but refuse to change it up because that's the way it's always been.
The same criticism should apply to the organization as well.
I would like to think that Canadien fans in Quebec would be delirious with joy should the team win the Cup -- despite having an anglophone at the helm.
But if they felt that strongly about it they could always refuse to attend the parade as a show of protest.
(Nov. 19, 2021)
One fan's observation: When you only consider 8-10% of hockey minds due to language, your intention isn't to win at all costs. French or English, fans deserve the best. Period. Just win.
Another fan's response: In situations like this, I always wonder who these miracle candidates are out there we are missing on?
If Trotz shakes loose, then I'm prepared for an argument.
It's not about miracle candidates. It's about casting your net wider when filling a position which, as we have seen with Bergevin, is of considerable importance.
What kind of reputation does Montreal currently enjoy and what glory does it bring to the province when it's been piss-poor for years but its saving grace is that it can trumpet its failures in both languages?
I would dearly love for the Canadiens to find a miracle francophone GM or coach, that would be my first choice, but when you haven't had any sustained success with the same approach that hasn't worked in decades, you might want to consider other options.
God, we excoriate coaches who keep using the same system with miserable results year after year but refuse to change it up because that's the way it's always been.
The same criticism should apply to the organization as well.
I would like to think that Canadien fans in Quebec would be delirious with joy should the team win the Cup -- despite having an anglophone at the helm.
But if they felt that strongly about it they could always refuse to attend the parade as a show of protest.
A few thoughts after 6-0 loss to the Penguins
(Nov. 19, 2021)
I watched the first period -- thanks for the ribbon -- just a bit of the second, and none of the third, to preserve my sanity.
I might have seen too much.
I got spoiled growing up watching the Canadiens in their heyday. What's this team's excuse for being rotten?
This team is so bad it needs a COVID outbreak for the players to break out of their slump. They could use the time off. But you can't always count on an epidemic when you need it the most. Three years in a row is pushing your luck.
What can you say about Petry that hasn't already been written on a note, tied around a rock, and sent crashing through his window?
Everyone says Drouin is a gifted passer but he's not the only one on the team. I lost count of how many Canadiens gifted the Penguins with their passes.
When Hab coaches watch game videos do they fast forward like we do?
What's the club gonna do if it turns out Primeau isn't primo?
Montreal once boasted a history of excellence, of setting a standard that other teams strove to achieve. Molson needs to take a good look at the crest on the Canadiens and figure out what it means: CHange (the general manager, the director of scouting, the coaching staff ...).
What did Caufield do down at Laval that the club thought he needed to be humbled?
Hab fans don't like to see their team lose but getting blanc'ed was the Wright thing to do.
(Nov. 19, 2021)
I watched the first period -- thanks for the ribbon -- just a bit of the second, and none of the third, to preserve my sanity.
I might have seen too much.
I got spoiled growing up watching the Canadiens in their heyday. What's this team's excuse for being rotten?
This team is so bad it needs a COVID outbreak for the players to break out of their slump. They could use the time off. But you can't always count on an epidemic when you need it the most. Three years in a row is pushing your luck.
What can you say about Petry that hasn't already been written on a note, tied around a rock, and sent crashing through his window?
Everyone says Drouin is a gifted passer but he's not the only one on the team. I lost count of how many Canadiens gifted the Penguins with their passes.
When Hab coaches watch game videos do they fast forward like we do?
What's the club gonna do if it turns out Primeau isn't primo?
Montreal once boasted a history of excellence, of setting a standard that other teams strove to achieve. Molson needs to take a good look at the crest on the Canadiens and figure out what it means: CHange (the general manager, the director of scouting, the coaching staff ...).
What did Caufield do down at Laval that the club thought he needed to be humbled?
Hab fans don't like to see their team lose but getting blanc'ed was the Wright thing to do.
So you think you're a Hab fan, eh?
(Nov. 18, 2021)
There's been an obvious decline in fervour among Montreal fans. Could it be they're losing faith in the club?
It's gut-check time: Are you a Hab fan or not? A REAL Hab fan?
To find out, take this quiz:
A
1.) You know the numbers of every player who's played for the Canadiens over the past 50 years.
2.) You're pretty sure you can name six or seven players on the current roster (last names only)
B
1.) You'd take a bullet for the team
2.) You'd blow up the team
C
1.) Carey Price is the best thing since sliced bread
2.) Price is toast
D
1.) You record the game and then watch it in its entirety, win or lose
2.) You record the game to see who sings the anthem
E
1.) You have no problem with the Habs hiring only general managers and head coaches who can speak French
2.) You have no time for teams who hire only general managers and head coaches who can speak French
F
1.) You feel terrible after games Habs lose
2.) You feel terrible before games Habs play
G
1.) You think Bergevin gets a bum rap for his managing
2.) You wonder how a bum like Bergevin is still managing
H
1.) Montreal is three, four players from being a Stanley Cup contender
2.) Montreal is 2,100 kilometres from a Stanley Cup champion
I
1.) You still wear your Scott Gomez sweater to games
2.) You still send Scott Gomez threatening emails
J
1.) Montreal would win more games if not for bad luck, bad bounces and bad officiating
2.) Montreal would win more games if it wasn't so bad
K
1.) You think the CH on the sweater stands for CHampions
2.) You know the CH on the sweater stands for Chumps
L
1.) Being a fan of the Canadiens is like belonging to a church – it gets you closer to heaven
2.) Being a fan of the Canadiens is like belonging to a cult – it puts you through hell
M
1.) You name your children after Canadien legends
2.) You forbid your children from dating Hab fans
N
1.) Montreal is the greatest franchise in NHL history, having won 24 Cups
2.) Montreal is the greatest franchise in ancient history, not having won a Cup in this, the century
O
1.) Your dying wish is that you be buried wearing Canadien colours
2.) Your dying wish is that Molson be buried with you
To tally your score, give yourself one point for each time you chose 1.), two points if you chose 2.)
15-19 points – Chances are you have a Hab tattoo somewhere on your body, and your firstborn does as well
20-25 points – You still watch the Habs play, to be pleasantly surprised or happily disgusted
26-30 points – Since you switched to watching curling, your social life has picked up
(Nov. 18, 2021)
There's been an obvious decline in fervour among Montreal fans. Could it be they're losing faith in the club?
It's gut-check time: Are you a Hab fan or not? A REAL Hab fan?
To find out, take this quiz:
A
1.) You know the numbers of every player who's played for the Canadiens over the past 50 years.
2.) You're pretty sure you can name six or seven players on the current roster (last names only)
B
1.) You'd take a bullet for the team
2.) You'd blow up the team
C
1.) Carey Price is the best thing since sliced bread
2.) Price is toast
D
1.) You record the game and then watch it in its entirety, win or lose
2.) You record the game to see who sings the anthem
E
1.) You have no problem with the Habs hiring only general managers and head coaches who can speak French
2.) You have no time for teams who hire only general managers and head coaches who can speak French
F
1.) You feel terrible after games Habs lose
2.) You feel terrible before games Habs play
G
1.) You think Bergevin gets a bum rap for his managing
2.) You wonder how a bum like Bergevin is still managing
H
1.) Montreal is three, four players from being a Stanley Cup contender
2.) Montreal is 2,100 kilometres from a Stanley Cup champion
I
1.) You still wear your Scott Gomez sweater to games
2.) You still send Scott Gomez threatening emails
J
1.) Montreal would win more games if not for bad luck, bad bounces and bad officiating
2.) Montreal would win more games if it wasn't so bad
K
1.) You think the CH on the sweater stands for CHampions
2.) You know the CH on the sweater stands for Chumps
L
1.) Being a fan of the Canadiens is like belonging to a church – it gets you closer to heaven
2.) Being a fan of the Canadiens is like belonging to a cult – it puts you through hell
M
1.) You name your children after Canadien legends
2.) You forbid your children from dating Hab fans
N
1.) Montreal is the greatest franchise in NHL history, having won 24 Cups
2.) Montreal is the greatest franchise in ancient history, not having won a Cup in this, the century
O
1.) Your dying wish is that you be buried wearing Canadien colours
2.) Your dying wish is that Molson be buried with you
To tally your score, give yourself one point for each time you chose 1.), two points if you chose 2.)
15-19 points – Chances are you have a Hab tattoo somewhere on your body, and your firstborn does as well
20-25 points – You still watch the Habs play, to be pleasantly surprised or happily disgusted
26-30 points – Since you switched to watching curling, your social life has picked up
Remembrance Day 2021
(Nov. 11, 2021)
Lives lost and lives changed:
Liberty's price, although steep,
Too many have paid.
The poppy's red hue
Recalls blood spilled in battle --
Humankind's great stain.
Veterans gather
To remember the fallen
Whose deeds still stand tall
(Nov. 11, 2021)
Lives lost and lives changed:
Liberty's price, although steep,
Too many have paid.
The poppy's red hue
Recalls blood spilled in battle --
Humankind's great stain.
Veterans gather
To remember the fallen
Whose deeds still stand tall
Let the world know where you stand
(Aug. 29, 2021)
Those who take to the streets to proudly declare their right not to be vaccinated should go one step further and assert their belief in the form of a highly visible tattoo so that the world will know where they stand.
It would also help hospitals in triaging individuals showing up at ER with symptoms of Covid-19. Nurses will immediately know where to put them in the queue for emergency medical services that are being overwhelmed by demand.
(Aug. 29, 2021)
Those who take to the streets to proudly declare their right not to be vaccinated should go one step further and assert their belief in the form of a highly visible tattoo so that the world will know where they stand.
It would also help hospitals in triaging individuals showing up at ER with symptoms of Covid-19. Nurses will immediately know where to put them in the queue for emergency medical services that are being overwhelmed by demand.
Hiring jesters no joke
(July 18, 2021)
Corporations and administrations – state and federal – should be required to have a jester on staff to serve as the people's tribune. Someone who employs scathing humour to inform those in power when they are behaving like asses, and need to alter course.
The hosts of late night shows serve this valuable function but the targets of their barbs tend to ignore what's being said of them, making it highly unlikely they will ever change their way of thinking or revisit a plan of action when confronted with the folly of their decisions and the reprehensibility of their conduct.
They would change if the person being brutally honest were on the payroll and protected by law. The individual would have to be completely independent, of course, and not subject to dismissal while under contract for a defined period.
The head honchos, for their part, would be expected to grin and bear it, the hope being they'd learn from the experience of having their judgment exposed to ridicule when warranted.
An additional benefit is that it would assuredly boost morale among middle management and the lower ranks to see their bosses put in their place (via recordings of executive meetings emailed employees showing the jester at work – using a mix of monologue, spoofs, imagery and comic tunes).
Now there might be some skepticism as to the seriousness of the proposal. But to those who would ask “Surely you jest?” I would answer most emphatically: “Absolutely not! And don't call me Shirley!”
(July 18, 2021)
Corporations and administrations – state and federal – should be required to have a jester on staff to serve as the people's tribune. Someone who employs scathing humour to inform those in power when they are behaving like asses, and need to alter course.
The hosts of late night shows serve this valuable function but the targets of their barbs tend to ignore what's being said of them, making it highly unlikely they will ever change their way of thinking or revisit a plan of action when confronted with the folly of their decisions and the reprehensibility of their conduct.
They would change if the person being brutally honest were on the payroll and protected by law. The individual would have to be completely independent, of course, and not subject to dismissal while under contract for a defined period.
The head honchos, for their part, would be expected to grin and bear it, the hope being they'd learn from the experience of having their judgment exposed to ridicule when warranted.
An additional benefit is that it would assuredly boost morale among middle management and the lower ranks to see their bosses put in their place (via recordings of executive meetings emailed employees showing the jester at work – using a mix of monologue, spoofs, imagery and comic tunes).
Now there might be some skepticism as to the seriousness of the proposal. But to those who would ask “Surely you jest?” I would answer most emphatically: “Absolutely not! And don't call me Shirley!”
River Bend marvel an uncanny playmaker
(July 11, 2021)
A risky pick in this year's entry draft?
Reed Willow
The 6-foot-4, 170 pound centre for the Kapuskasing River Bends was the top scorer in the Northern Ontario Junior Hockey League three years in a row, confounding foes and delighting fans with his superlative play.
Nicknamed Straw by his teammates, and much worse by his opponents who drew inspiration from his last name, Willow certainly stirred the drink on his club, averaging two points a game.
His playmaking is truly uncanny, as he uses both ends of his stick, the blades of his skates, the top of his helmet and, it's rumoured, telekinesis, to complete passes of remarkable precision, even when under duress. He once sent a teammate on a breakaway while flat on the ice behind his own net with two opponents lying on top of him. (His flipping the puck over the net to a teammate at the blueline is the stuff of legends.)
His shot is every bit as impressive. He would often use it to break glass for sport in pre-game warmups until the league ordered him to stop or risk being fined. No player has attempted to block his shots in two years, not since one of them, a backhander, crippled three players, including the goaltender. 'The Shot' has been viewed more than two million times on YouTube. The NOJHL changed the rules as result to allow netminders to wear additional padding, of military grade, when playing the River Bends.
Willow's skating is truly exquisite. Tagged the Beanpole Bullet by sportswriters, he's swift AND sinuous, and will often perform maneuvers once thought to be aerodynamically impossible. Defenders grew frustrated watching him fly by them – overhead.
Despite his extraordinary talent, Willow is a long shot to be drafted. The straight A student made clear his intention to become a climate scientist “in the shortest time possible, to help find ways to deal with the greatest threat humankind has ever faced.”
As one scout noted dejectedly, “It's a shame to see all that talent go to waste.” Still, he brightened up, it's possible Willow could be picked in the later rounds, if teams take the view he's most likely to reconsider his career options in the fall, “after this hot weather comes to an end.”
(July 11, 2021)
A risky pick in this year's entry draft?
Reed Willow
The 6-foot-4, 170 pound centre for the Kapuskasing River Bends was the top scorer in the Northern Ontario Junior Hockey League three years in a row, confounding foes and delighting fans with his superlative play.
Nicknamed Straw by his teammates, and much worse by his opponents who drew inspiration from his last name, Willow certainly stirred the drink on his club, averaging two points a game.
His playmaking is truly uncanny, as he uses both ends of his stick, the blades of his skates, the top of his helmet and, it's rumoured, telekinesis, to complete passes of remarkable precision, even when under duress. He once sent a teammate on a breakaway while flat on the ice behind his own net with two opponents lying on top of him. (His flipping the puck over the net to a teammate at the blueline is the stuff of legends.)
His shot is every bit as impressive. He would often use it to break glass for sport in pre-game warmups until the league ordered him to stop or risk being fined. No player has attempted to block his shots in two years, not since one of them, a backhander, crippled three players, including the goaltender. 'The Shot' has been viewed more than two million times on YouTube. The NOJHL changed the rules as result to allow netminders to wear additional padding, of military grade, when playing the River Bends.
Willow's skating is truly exquisite. Tagged the Beanpole Bullet by sportswriters, he's swift AND sinuous, and will often perform maneuvers once thought to be aerodynamically impossible. Defenders grew frustrated watching him fly by them – overhead.
Despite his extraordinary talent, Willow is a long shot to be drafted. The straight A student made clear his intention to become a climate scientist “in the shortest time possible, to help find ways to deal with the greatest threat humankind has ever faced.”
As one scout noted dejectedly, “It's a shame to see all that talent go to waste.” Still, he brightened up, it's possible Willow could be picked in the later rounds, if teams take the view he's most likely to reconsider his career options in the fall, “after this hot weather comes to an end.”
A diamond who's rough -- or just a hunk of coal
(July 9, 2021)
Lou Hoodat a prospect who can't be overlooked
April 27, 2004 | 6-foot-8 | 240 pounds
Skating: When required
Puck Skills: Few apparent
Hockey Sense: Laughable
Compete: If necessary
An over-achiever who didn't learn to skate until his third season with the Seattle Slewfoot of the Pacific Coast Middling Hockey League, Hoodat acquired a reputation as a hard-nosed defenceman, having suffered numerous blows to his beak in a multitude of fights without it once ever having been broken.
His most notable trait -- and salient feature appearance-wise -- is his doggedness, especially in pursuit of cycling forwards. Twist and turn, and stop and start as they might few can elude him and, invariably, in a state of exhaustion, they turn over the puck, that is, hand it to him, anything to get him off their back, a maneuver he has perfected in such a way that, alone among defencemen, never draws a penalty.
Hoodat, or Python as he's known for reasons best left in the locker room, is similarly adept at clearing the front of the net, a process that involves whispering softly in the ears of forwards and making ever-so-subtle advances that discourage long stays by straight-laced opponents. It's a ploy he's found effective against 80 per cent of the forwards in the league.
In terms of offence Hoodat without question gives that, teammate and foe alike. His shot is pedestrian, although perhaps not as fast. His outlet passes are short, quick and more often than not within reach of their targets.
Hoodat would make a good pairing with a defenceman who's fast, talented, hardworking, tenacious, heavy-hitting, offensively minded and creative, as the contrast between the two would be remarkable to watch.
Hoodat is expected to go in the fourth round, lower if more teams have seen clips of him in action.
(July 9, 2021)
Lou Hoodat a prospect who can't be overlooked
April 27, 2004 | 6-foot-8 | 240 pounds
Skating: When required
Puck Skills: Few apparent
Hockey Sense: Laughable
Compete: If necessary
An over-achiever who didn't learn to skate until his third season with the Seattle Slewfoot of the Pacific Coast Middling Hockey League, Hoodat acquired a reputation as a hard-nosed defenceman, having suffered numerous blows to his beak in a multitude of fights without it once ever having been broken.
His most notable trait -- and salient feature appearance-wise -- is his doggedness, especially in pursuit of cycling forwards. Twist and turn, and stop and start as they might few can elude him and, invariably, in a state of exhaustion, they turn over the puck, that is, hand it to him, anything to get him off their back, a maneuver he has perfected in such a way that, alone among defencemen, never draws a penalty.
Hoodat, or Python as he's known for reasons best left in the locker room, is similarly adept at clearing the front of the net, a process that involves whispering softly in the ears of forwards and making ever-so-subtle advances that discourage long stays by straight-laced opponents. It's a ploy he's found effective against 80 per cent of the forwards in the league.
In terms of offence Hoodat without question gives that, teammate and foe alike. His shot is pedestrian, although perhaps not as fast. His outlet passes are short, quick and more often than not within reach of their targets.
Hoodat would make a good pairing with a defenceman who's fast, talented, hardworking, tenacious, heavy-hitting, offensively minded and creative, as the contrast between the two would be remarkable to watch.
Hoodat is expected to go in the fourth round, lower if more teams have seen clips of him in action.
Snipers need to adjust sights
(July 5, 2021)
Canadiens were a longshot to win. Their two snipers -- Toffoli and Caufield -- need to adjust their sights.
Ideas for cartoons:
* Ducharme breaking a broomstick over Cooper's head
* Cinderella in a Hab jersey turning the clock back four hours
* [Scene: Weber, Petry, Perry, Staal getting oxygen at the bench after every shift]
Ducharme to Richardson: "We shoulda thought of this sooner."
(July 5, 2021)
Canadiens were a longshot to win. Their two snipers -- Toffoli and Caufield -- need to adjust their sights.
Ideas for cartoons:
* Ducharme breaking a broomstick over Cooper's head
* Cinderella in a Hab jersey turning the clock back four hours
* [Scene: Weber, Petry, Perry, Staal getting oxygen at the bench after every shift]
Ducharme to Richardson: "We shoulda thought of this sooner."
Explanation, please
(July 3, 2021)
Romanov must have learned something by now having watched all the errors his fellow rearguards have made the first three games at key -- and non-key -- moments so now it's time to put his knowledge to the test.
At least when he makes a mistake, his eagerness to not disappoint and young legs might be enough to prevent any serious damage being done.
Who knows, maybe his play will be as pleasant a shock as the lowest-seeded team in the playoffs making the Stanley Cup final.
I would be most grateful if someone could explain, from purely a hockey perspective, why Gustafsson continues to suit up for the Canadiens.
Is it because Romanov will be served a warrant for his arrest on a charge of murder the moment he sets foot on the ice in a game?
Gustafsson must be injured as well.
If he isn't, could someone arrange that he is before Monday?
[He says in jest]
Will there be an asterisk beside the names of these individuals when they're inscribed on the Stanley Cup: McDonagh, Sergachev, BriseBois?
* Courtesy of the Montreal Canadiens
I know the Canadiens are getting heavily criticized for their play tonight but I thought they played a penultimate game.
Before the first game of the final ...
Knock, knock
Canadiens: Who's there?
Voice: Opportunity
Canadiens: Oooh! C'mon in!
[Opens door. Grim Reaper delivers deadly blow]
Grim: Thanks for the opportunity.
(July 3, 2021)
Romanov must have learned something by now having watched all the errors his fellow rearguards have made the first three games at key -- and non-key -- moments so now it's time to put his knowledge to the test.
At least when he makes a mistake, his eagerness to not disappoint and young legs might be enough to prevent any serious damage being done.
Who knows, maybe his play will be as pleasant a shock as the lowest-seeded team in the playoffs making the Stanley Cup final.
I would be most grateful if someone could explain, from purely a hockey perspective, why Gustafsson continues to suit up for the Canadiens.
Is it because Romanov will be served a warrant for his arrest on a charge of murder the moment he sets foot on the ice in a game?
Gustafsson must be injured as well.
If he isn't, could someone arrange that he is before Monday?
[He says in jest]
Will there be an asterisk beside the names of these individuals when they're inscribed on the Stanley Cup: McDonagh, Sergachev, BriseBois?
* Courtesy of the Montreal Canadiens
I know the Canadiens are getting heavily criticized for their play tonight but I thought they played a penultimate game.
Before the first game of the final ...
Knock, knock
Canadiens: Who's there?
Voice: Opportunity
Canadiens: Oooh! C'mon in!
[Opens door. Grim Reaper delivers deadly blow]
Grim: Thanks for the opportunity.
We're all in this together
(June 30, 2021)
A humble suggestion to fellow Roughing After The Whistle members:
Knowing as we do players go online during intermissions to find out what fans think of their play thus far, I would suggest that we show restraint in offering any critique we might have to make about their performance.
Players, aside from talent, fame and wealth, are no different from you or me, in having feelings. Having those feelings bruised by intemperate remarks when the players should have full confidence in their ability to help decide the outcome of a game works against the objective we all share, which is to see the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup.
Toward that end I think it best if we tread carefully in evaluating their play and to soften whatever blow we might direct their way if we were to be brutally frank (which, unfortunately, is RATW's default position).
Say, for example, Player A were to make an errant pass that ended up in a Tampa goal, we should refrain from questioning his ancestry and merely observe, “Player A probably wishes he could have that one back.”
In the fewest words possible we point out an unfortunate error was made while implying regret on his part for having made it, a subtle way of expressing our commiseration.
Reading such a comment Player A, however sensitive he might be, would realize we're still behind him no matter how stupid the gaffe or disastrous the result.
Now if you wish to offer constructive criticism at the same time you could say: “Player A probably wishes he could have that one back. Let's hope he learns from his mistake.”
Now if Player A continues to make bonehead plays, resist the urge to make liberal use of asterisks in response and simply repeat the mantra, “Player A probably wishes he could have that one back. Let's hope he learns from his mistake.” while adding each time. “My, my, he sure is a slow learner.”
This is not a rebuke of slow learners who earn millions but ... well, yes, it IS a rebuke of slow learners who earn millions. The Stanley Cup final is no place for on-the-job learning.
But by choosing not to employ expletives or utter threats, you will have a better chance of having your message taken to heart to good effect.
I would even go so far as to say that if we were to keep our comments relentlessly positive, I have no doubt the coaching staff would show them on the screen of the tablet that the players pass around at the bench.
So conduct yourselves accordingly. We're all in this together.
Tampa players expect Hab fans to heap abuse on them so we shouldn't disappoint. Sure, in theory, they're people with feelings but that's of little concern to us when there's a larger dynamic at play embedded in tradition: Speak ill of your foe. Think of it as a battle decry.
We draw the line at profanity. If you must curse, make it a prayer that they suffer grievous harm, the LTIR kind.
(June 30, 2021)
A humble suggestion to fellow Roughing After The Whistle members:
Knowing as we do players go online during intermissions to find out what fans think of their play thus far, I would suggest that we show restraint in offering any critique we might have to make about their performance.
Players, aside from talent, fame and wealth, are no different from you or me, in having feelings. Having those feelings bruised by intemperate remarks when the players should have full confidence in their ability to help decide the outcome of a game works against the objective we all share, which is to see the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup.
Toward that end I think it best if we tread carefully in evaluating their play and to soften whatever blow we might direct their way if we were to be brutally frank (which, unfortunately, is RATW's default position).
Say, for example, Player A were to make an errant pass that ended up in a Tampa goal, we should refrain from questioning his ancestry and merely observe, “Player A probably wishes he could have that one back.”
In the fewest words possible we point out an unfortunate error was made while implying regret on his part for having made it, a subtle way of expressing our commiseration.
Reading such a comment Player A, however sensitive he might be, would realize we're still behind him no matter how stupid the gaffe or disastrous the result.
Now if you wish to offer constructive criticism at the same time you could say: “Player A probably wishes he could have that one back. Let's hope he learns from his mistake.”
Now if Player A continues to make bonehead plays, resist the urge to make liberal use of asterisks in response and simply repeat the mantra, “Player A probably wishes he could have that one back. Let's hope he learns from his mistake.” while adding each time. “My, my, he sure is a slow learner.”
This is not a rebuke of slow learners who earn millions but ... well, yes, it IS a rebuke of slow learners who earn millions. The Stanley Cup final is no place for on-the-job learning.
But by choosing not to employ expletives or utter threats, you will have a better chance of having your message taken to heart to good effect.
I would even go so far as to say that if we were to keep our comments relentlessly positive, I have no doubt the coaching staff would show them on the screen of the tablet that the players pass around at the bench.
So conduct yourselves accordingly. We're all in this together.
Tampa players expect Hab fans to heap abuse on them so we shouldn't disappoint. Sure, in theory, they're people with feelings but that's of little concern to us when there's a larger dynamic at play embedded in tradition: Speak ill of your foe. Think of it as a battle decry.
We draw the line at profanity. If you must curse, make it a prayer that they suffer grievous harm, the LTIR kind.
History's on our side in Cup final
(June 28, 2021)
And don't forget intangibles. We got intangibles up ...we got intangibles galore.
And history's on our side. History, being history, it's not going to repeat what happened last year -- that's not history -- it's going to repeat something that happened nearly three decades ago.
We should steel ourselves for the possibility that all might not go our way tonight and that we should not give into despair when it does.
For example:
If Tampa scores first, sigh
If Tampa scores first on a power play, shake your head and mutter “Well, that sucks.”
If Tampa scores on a penalty kill, hold your head in your hands and rub furiously, allowing yourself a small groan.
If Tampa scores TWICE on a penalty kill, %##$^#&#$ why haven't you changed your routine by now, it's clear what you usually do isn't working, are you just gonna sit there and watch the team get blown out????
If Tampa wins handily, say, by four goals, what can I say? Turn off the TV, walk over to the open window, and jump.
Seeing as you're on the ground floor, it's purely a symbolic gesture but it might be enough to earn the respect of the Forum gods and inspire them to do better next time, as they will clearly need to pick up their game.
(June 28, 2021)
And don't forget intangibles. We got intangibles up ...we got intangibles galore.
And history's on our side. History, being history, it's not going to repeat what happened last year -- that's not history -- it's going to repeat something that happened nearly three decades ago.
We should steel ourselves for the possibility that all might not go our way tonight and that we should not give into despair when it does.
For example:
If Tampa scores first, sigh
If Tampa scores first on a power play, shake your head and mutter “Well, that sucks.”
If Tampa scores on a penalty kill, hold your head in your hands and rub furiously, allowing yourself a small groan.
If Tampa scores TWICE on a penalty kill, %##$^#&#$ why haven't you changed your routine by now, it's clear what you usually do isn't working, are you just gonna sit there and watch the team get blown out????
If Tampa wins handily, say, by four goals, what can I say? Turn off the TV, walk over to the open window, and jump.
Seeing as you're on the ground floor, it's purely a symbolic gesture but it might be enough to earn the respect of the Forum gods and inspire them to do better next time, as they will clearly need to pick up their game.
Smite thee, Goliath
(June 26, 2021)
Ideas for cartoons:
* David (Canadiens) stands before Goliath (Lightning) and lets fly with his slingshot (Caufield is the projectile)
* Forum ghosts are shown tugging at the jerseys of the Lightning, slowing them down to a crawl
* Tampa's lightning bolt lies shattered on the ground after striking the Canadiens emblem
* Destiny stands alongside the Canadien players at the bench during the national anthem before the first game of the series
* Caufield and Danault show up for the post-game interviews wearing Underdog outfits
* Four huge waves approach Tampa, each wave a Canadiens line
* Tampa newspaper headline reads '24 - er - 25 things you should know about the Canadiens'
(June 26, 2021)
Ideas for cartoons:
* David (Canadiens) stands before Goliath (Lightning) and lets fly with his slingshot (Caufield is the projectile)
* Forum ghosts are shown tugging at the jerseys of the Lightning, slowing them down to a crawl
* Tampa's lightning bolt lies shattered on the ground after striking the Canadiens emblem
* Destiny stands alongside the Canadien players at the bench during the national anthem before the first game of the series
* Caufield and Danault show up for the post-game interviews wearing Underdog outfits
* Four huge waves approach Tampa, each wave a Canadiens line
* Tampa newspaper headline reads '24 - er - 25 things you should know about the Canadiens'
Habs prevail, Knights sent packing
(June 25, 2021)
I'm really wishing I had been recording this whole playoff run.
Now I'll have to wait for the Montreal Canadiens 25th Stanley Cup DVD box set.
Line's first three points timely
Luke/Cole cool/hot hands
A tale of two captains:
One's a rock, other's Stone
Gimme some credit, eh?
(June 25, 2021)
I can't believe other posters are taking credit for the win.
It was me who tipped the scales in Montreal's favour when I took my feet OFF the footrest and put them ON the floor in the third period and overtime. You saw what happened.
I wasn't going to say anything, content in knowing that I had contributed in some large way to the team's victory.
But I couldn't let pass specious claims made by others that it was they who determined the outcome. Who do they think they are, Bettman?
(June 25, 2021)
I'm really wishing I had been recording this whole playoff run.
Now I'll have to wait for the Montreal Canadiens 25th Stanley Cup DVD box set.
Line's first three points timely
Luke/Cole cool/hot hands
A tale of two captains:
One's a rock, other's Stone
Gimme some credit, eh?
(June 25, 2021)
I can't believe other posters are taking credit for the win.
It was me who tipped the scales in Montreal's favour when I took my feet OFF the footrest and put them ON the floor in the third period and overtime. You saw what happened.
I wasn't going to say anything, content in knowing that I had contributed in some large way to the team's victory.
But I couldn't let pass specious claims made by others that it was they who determined the outcome. Who do they think they are, Bettman?
They're gonna blow it, I just know it!
(June 24, 2021)
What's happening here? Vegas outplayed us in the third period and now they're carrying play in OT. This isn't going to end well. OMIGAWD HOW DID PACIORETTY GET THAT OPEN??? Thank you, Carey. WHAT, ICING? THAT WASN'T ICING! The team's gonna blow it. We're gonna go back to Vegas. What, another lost draw! Gimme a break! This is it, this it, we're gonna lose, I know it!. Whew! Thank you, Carey! Yeah, that's it, Gally, get the puck out of our end, we gotta regroup, just get over centre and dump the puck in the corner and change the line, get somebody else there who can scWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In full playoff mode
(June 24, 2021)
I went into full playoff beard mode midway through the first round and the Habs won by a whisker so unshaven I remain.
I'm likin' the look, very Hemingway-esque (Ernest, not Mariel; I stopped shaving my legs, too).
I went online yesterday and ordered a copy of his Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, The Old Man and the C. It should be a good read. Rocket Richard was a great player and captain of the Canadiens for four seasons at the end of his career.
(June 24, 2021)
What's happening here? Vegas outplayed us in the third period and now they're carrying play in OT. This isn't going to end well. OMIGAWD HOW DID PACIORETTY GET THAT OPEN??? Thank you, Carey. WHAT, ICING? THAT WASN'T ICING! The team's gonna blow it. We're gonna go back to Vegas. What, another lost draw! Gimme a break! This is it, this it, we're gonna lose, I know it!. Whew! Thank you, Carey! Yeah, that's it, Gally, get the puck out of our end, we gotta regroup, just get over centre and dump the puck in the corner and change the line, get somebody else there who can scWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
In full playoff mode
(June 24, 2021)
I went into full playoff beard mode midway through the first round and the Habs won by a whisker so unshaven I remain.
I'm likin' the look, very Hemingway-esque (Ernest, not Mariel; I stopped shaving my legs, too).
I went online yesterday and ordered a copy of his Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, The Old Man and the C. It should be a good read. Rocket Richard was a great player and captain of the Canadiens for four seasons at the end of his career.
Limits to one's telepathy
(June 23, 2021)
Evidently, there are limits to what I can communicate mentally (Newfoundland to the east might be the farthest I can reach).
In answer to your question, I am approaching each passing game with receding concern and mounting optimism, so well have the Canadiens dampened the spirits of the Knights. That's not to say they are playing flawlessly but they are playing confidently and do not get rattled, even when penned in their own zone for short bursts or give up a goal off the draw.
The fact they are rolling four lines regularly and do so without trepidation is proving a winning tactic. I know it's won me over.
I do follow a routine in watching the game to assist the Canadiens with their efforts. If the flapping of a butterfly's wings can change the course of history, I figure I can have the same effect on Montreal's fate with modest movements on my part seated in a chair with feet propped up to maximize the flow of energy being directed to our heroes, with the TV screen being the medium.
I'm certain it's working because I get a tingling whenever the team scores.
(I don't want to take credit for Vegas shooting high or wide, but I am making notes for future study to determine if there is a link between their missing the net and my flicking my wrist.)
(June 23, 2021)
Evidently, there are limits to what I can communicate mentally (Newfoundland to the east might be the farthest I can reach).
In answer to your question, I am approaching each passing game with receding concern and mounting optimism, so well have the Canadiens dampened the spirits of the Knights. That's not to say they are playing flawlessly but they are playing confidently and do not get rattled, even when penned in their own zone for short bursts or give up a goal off the draw.
The fact they are rolling four lines regularly and do so without trepidation is proving a winning tactic. I know it's won me over.
I do follow a routine in watching the game to assist the Canadiens with their efforts. If the flapping of a butterfly's wings can change the course of history, I figure I can have the same effect on Montreal's fate with modest movements on my part seated in a chair with feet propped up to maximize the flow of energy being directed to our heroes, with the TV screen being the medium.
I'm certain it's working because I get a tingling whenever the team scores.
(I don't want to take credit for Vegas shooting high or wide, but I am making notes for future study to determine if there is a link between their missing the net and my flicking my wrist.)
Backing into playoffs paying off
(June 19, 2021)
Backing into the playoffs is WHY the team is in the third round.
Actually, I won't explain it, I'll let other people do the heavy lifting, experts who know a thing or two about walking backwards and the mental and physical health benefits that accrue.
Finished? Some pretty neat stuff, eh?
NOW do you see what MB was doing? Preparing his team for the hard slog ahead.
Hey, don't apologize to me, you need to say you're sorry to Bergie.
And another thing, the Sens, Flames and Canucks did us no favours playing lousy for most of the season. They almost destroyed the Canadiens' chances of doing well in the first round by lulling the team into a false sense of excellence.
It wasn't until the fourth game in the Leaf series that Les Boys realized they had to work, and work hard, if they were to win in seven.
You also talk about luck. What is luck but “the residue of design.”
The poet John Milton probably had Bergevin in mind when he wrote that (assuming he was given to hallucinating about the future).
MB had a plan when he put the team together. It was a calculated gamble; he's only now realizing there are players who get you to the playoffs, and there are referees who are determined to boot you out.
It's time he made use of his John Scott chip and had the zebras neutered (figuratively speaking, of course, although I don't have a problem if the solution turns out to be a literal one. Anything that alters their behaviour works for me).
(June 19, 2021)
Backing into the playoffs is WHY the team is in the third round.
Actually, I won't explain it, I'll let other people do the heavy lifting, experts who know a thing or two about walking backwards and the mental and physical health benefits that accrue.
Finished? Some pretty neat stuff, eh?
NOW do you see what MB was doing? Preparing his team for the hard slog ahead.
Hey, don't apologize to me, you need to say you're sorry to Bergie.
And another thing, the Sens, Flames and Canucks did us no favours playing lousy for most of the season. They almost destroyed the Canadiens' chances of doing well in the first round by lulling the team into a false sense of excellence.
It wasn't until the fourth game in the Leaf series that Les Boys realized they had to work, and work hard, if they were to win in seven.
You also talk about luck. What is luck but “the residue of design.”
The poet John Milton probably had Bergevin in mind when he wrote that (assuming he was given to hallucinating about the future).
MB had a plan when he put the team together. It was a calculated gamble; he's only now realizing there are players who get you to the playoffs, and there are referees who are determined to boot you out.
It's time he made use of his John Scott chip and had the zebras neutered (figuratively speaking, of course, although I don't have a problem if the solution turns out to be a literal one. Anything that alters their behaviour works for me).
No respect, I tell ya
(June 14, 2021)
Ideas for cartoons ahead of Canadiens-Golden Knights series:
Montreal coach Dominique Ducharme is shown raising arms at the slot machine after it comes up with three Canadien logos signalling a third series win.
Knights roundly booed as they show up at the blackjack table where Ducharme is the dealer.
Ducharme appearing as Elvis onstage in the spotlight, belting out 'Mourez, Las Vegas.'
Ducharme as Rodney Dangerfield: "We Canadiens get no respect, ya know, no respect. After we beat Toronto in seven, they said the Leafs choked. Nobody mentioned our hands around their necks! No respect, I tell ya."
(June 14, 2021)
Ideas for cartoons ahead of Canadiens-Golden Knights series:
Montreal coach Dominique Ducharme is shown raising arms at the slot machine after it comes up with three Canadien logos signalling a third series win.
Knights roundly booed as they show up at the blackjack table where Ducharme is the dealer.
Ducharme appearing as Elvis onstage in the spotlight, belting out 'Mourez, Las Vegas.'
Ducharme as Rodney Dangerfield: "We Canadiens get no respect, ya know, no respect. After we beat Toronto in seven, they said the Leafs choked. Nobody mentioned our hands around their necks! No respect, I tell ya."
From the Department of Wishful Thinking
(June 3, 2021)
George Parros, the National Hockey League's head of player safety, announced today that Winnipeg Jets forward Mark Scheifele has been suspended for six games for his vicious late-game hit in Wednesday's 5-3 loss to the Montreal Canadiens.
“I take my job seriously, and Scheifele's brutal assault on a vulnerable player (Jake Evans) warrants a lengthy suspension, to serve as both punishment and a deterrent,” Parros said.
Evans landed heavily on his head when knocked to the ice by the Jets player after scoring an empty net goal on a wraparound.
“I know Schiefele hasn't a history of doing this sort of thing but this suspension is to ensure he doesn't acquire one,” Parros said. “It's also to make clear conduct this outrageous will not be tolerated.”
Parros said he flew to Winnipeg this morning to meet briefly with Scheifele, while observing COVID-19 protocols, “to hear his side of the story. His explanation so offended me I tacked an extra game onto his suspension. I also cut the meeting short because I was finding it harder to resist punching him in the nose the longer he talked. That was The Code coming out in me, and that can't happen when you're the head of player safety. Player SAFETY.”
Parros said Scheifele has the right to appeal. Should he do so, Evans will be invited to the hearing “to hear firsthand why Scheifele thought he was justified assaulting him for scoring.”
The National Hockey League Players' Association will also be invited to send a representative but it will be restricted to supporting one player only, “because you can't be of two minds about this kind of play,” Parros said. “You either deplore it or ignore it. But you see what happens when you continue to do the latter.”
(June 3, 2021)
George Parros, the National Hockey League's head of player safety, announced today that Winnipeg Jets forward Mark Scheifele has been suspended for six games for his vicious late-game hit in Wednesday's 5-3 loss to the Montreal Canadiens.
“I take my job seriously, and Scheifele's brutal assault on a vulnerable player (Jake Evans) warrants a lengthy suspension, to serve as both punishment and a deterrent,” Parros said.
Evans landed heavily on his head when knocked to the ice by the Jets player after scoring an empty net goal on a wraparound.
“I know Schiefele hasn't a history of doing this sort of thing but this suspension is to ensure he doesn't acquire one,” Parros said. “It's also to make clear conduct this outrageous will not be tolerated.”
Parros said he flew to Winnipeg this morning to meet briefly with Scheifele, while observing COVID-19 protocols, “to hear his side of the story. His explanation so offended me I tacked an extra game onto his suspension. I also cut the meeting short because I was finding it harder to resist punching him in the nose the longer he talked. That was The Code coming out in me, and that can't happen when you're the head of player safety. Player SAFETY.”
Parros said Scheifele has the right to appeal. Should he do so, Evans will be invited to the hearing “to hear firsthand why Scheifele thought he was justified assaulting him for scoring.”
The National Hockey League Players' Association will also be invited to send a representative but it will be restricted to supporting one player only, “because you can't be of two minds about this kind of play,” Parros said. “You either deplore it or ignore it. But you see what happens when you continue to do the latter.”
Chung, chung! Here comes another one!
(May 26, 2021)
NBC will debut a new series next fall that's a spin-off of its most popular franchise.
Law and Order: High Crimes and Misdemeanors is sure to be a hit.
The original series lasted 20 seasons; its successor, Special Victims Unit, even longer -- 21 and counting.
NBC's convinced, however, that the newest offering will prove the longest-lasting, "inspired" as it is by the misdeeds of a recent White House occupant.
There will be no end to the storylines as breaking news will continually generate plots for the scriptwriters (moonlighting journalists).
The show's producers have yet to cast the main characters -- a failed businessman/disgraced president/raving seditionist and the two agents who have vowed to put him behind bars.
The subplot is that the agents might be part of a deep state dedicated to preserving democracy -- or a cabal involved in thwarting the will of God-fearing decent folk.
I'm told the truth won't be revealed until the very last episode, which should keep ratings high every week among viewers on the left and the right.
To keep both sides happy two alternative endings will be filmed, and TV audiences will be given a choice of which one to watch through pay-per-view.
(May 26, 2021)
NBC will debut a new series next fall that's a spin-off of its most popular franchise.
Law and Order: High Crimes and Misdemeanors is sure to be a hit.
The original series lasted 20 seasons; its successor, Special Victims Unit, even longer -- 21 and counting.
NBC's convinced, however, that the newest offering will prove the longest-lasting, "inspired" as it is by the misdeeds of a recent White House occupant.
There will be no end to the storylines as breaking news will continually generate plots for the scriptwriters (moonlighting journalists).
The show's producers have yet to cast the main characters -- a failed businessman/disgraced president/raving seditionist and the two agents who have vowed to put him behind bars.
The subplot is that the agents might be part of a deep state dedicated to preserving democracy -- or a cabal involved in thwarting the will of God-fearing decent folk.
I'm told the truth won't be revealed until the very last episode, which should keep ratings high every week among viewers on the left and the right.
To keep both sides happy two alternative endings will be filmed, and TV audiences will be given a choice of which one to watch through pay-per-view.
It's a sticky subject, baseball
(May 23, 2021)
The Athletic has an article about the rampant use of foreign substances by pitchers that has tilted the playing field in their favour. Again.
It's been a constant battle over the years between batter and pitcher, with each side trying to outsmart the other, using whatever means are available to them. Rules are not there to be upheld but to overcome.
So it was that pitchers resorted to saliva and foreign substances, including pine tar, Vaseline and sunscreen, to gain an upper, somewhat sticky, hand.
Batters responded by corking their bats and taking steroids.
The two leagues -- American and National -- even helped sluggers at one point by introducing balls that were juiced, the non-tobacco kind, a few decades after having lowered the pitching mound to – almost – level the playing field between pitcher and batter.
The most egregious example of rule-breaking overreach by a hurler was that of King Kelly in the late 1940s, who used methylethylpropylbutyl to make himself unhittable. (You can look it up. Or click the link.)
Now the pendulum has again swung in favour of the pitchers, and hitters are looking to even the odds. Maybe they need to start adding a foreign substance of their own to their lumber: grease.
Batters don't need to get a grip on what's happening. They need to lose it. Having a few bats flying out of their hands toward the mound every game -- “A swing and a miss! And a hit!” -- might lead pitchers to consider changing their ways.
(May 23, 2021)
The Athletic has an article about the rampant use of foreign substances by pitchers that has tilted the playing field in their favour. Again.
It's been a constant battle over the years between batter and pitcher, with each side trying to outsmart the other, using whatever means are available to them. Rules are not there to be upheld but to overcome.
So it was that pitchers resorted to saliva and foreign substances, including pine tar, Vaseline and sunscreen, to gain an upper, somewhat sticky, hand.
Batters responded by corking their bats and taking steroids.
The two leagues -- American and National -- even helped sluggers at one point by introducing balls that were juiced, the non-tobacco kind, a few decades after having lowered the pitching mound to – almost – level the playing field between pitcher and batter.
The most egregious example of rule-breaking overreach by a hurler was that of King Kelly in the late 1940s, who used methylethylpropylbutyl to make himself unhittable. (You can look it up. Or click the link.)
Now the pendulum has again swung in favour of the pitchers, and hitters are looking to even the odds. Maybe they need to start adding a foreign substance of their own to their lumber: grease.
Batters don't need to get a grip on what's happening. They need to lose it. Having a few bats flying out of their hands toward the mound every game -- “A swing and a miss! And a hit!” -- might lead pitchers to consider changing their ways.
O captain! My captain!
(May 22, 2021)
Toronto Maple Leafs forward Mike Foligno grew emotional talking about the loss of his captain, John Tavares, in an exclusive interview Friday with sportswriter Walt Whitman, following the team's stunning 2-1 defeat by the Montreal Canadiens in the first game of their opening round.
“O captain! My captain! I fear our playoff run is done!
Without our peerless leader, can the main prize still be won?”
Tavares had to be taken off the ice on a stretcher Thursday night after he was inadvertently struck in the head by the left knee of Canadiens forward Corey Perry.
Tavares had been knocked down with a clean hit by defenceman Ben Chariot and was rolling over when he collided with Perry who was trailing the play.
Foligno made clear what he thought of the incident and how Tavares got injured.
“The sport is drear, when bells you hear, and you know who I am faulting:
The loathsome Worm, despised by all, a creature grim, unsparing.”
Foligno said he feared the worst when he saw his captain lying on the ice, “fallen cold and dead,” and it was with all his heart -- “O heart! heart! heart!” -- that he prayed Tavares would “rise up and hear the bells” of a distant church rejoicing in his revival.
But no clangor arose, as silence prevailed, with players standing as one, “a swaying mass, their eager faces turning.”
Foligno said it was then, alone with his thoughts, that his anger grew and he saw red -- “bleeding drops of red” -- the more he went over in his mind what he had just witnessed.
After watching several replays of the incident on a tablet at the team bench he realized it had been an accident but when Tavares gave a thumbs up as he was stretchered off the ice, a sure sign of life, that he, strapped in, was “anchor'ed safe and sound” in the care of medical professionals, Foligno saw it instead as a signal from his captain to have Perry “walk the deck.”
In other words: Follow The Code. And deck him.
Perry, no less an adherent to The Code, accepted Foligno's invitation to be held accountable, and obliged him further by getting pummelled.
Tavares, who suffered a concussion, and a knee injury, spent the night in a hospital before being sent home the next day to recover. He will be out indefinitely.
Foligno hasn't give up all hope that the Leafs can mount a comeback and win the series, despite not having got past the first round four years in a row.
But without his captain to helm a “victor ship,” it's going to be a “fearful trip,” he moaned.
The hit “wasn't malicious,” Foligno told reporters after the game.
But my team captain is lying on the ice, and a fight “takes away any grey (area – and possibly grey matter for that matter),” he said. “It just allows everyone to go back and play.”
The Code, it should be noted, is unwritten, being handed down from one generation of hockey players to the next by example, gesture, nods, and locker-room lectures by a corps of grizzled veterans.
The National Hockey League is said to be considering actually codifying The Code and including it as an addendum in its rule book, to be enforced by players alone, as it recognizes referees already have difficulty upholding existing rules in a manner that's consistent, and is reasonable.
(May 22, 2021)
Toronto Maple Leafs forward Mike Foligno grew emotional talking about the loss of his captain, John Tavares, in an exclusive interview Friday with sportswriter Walt Whitman, following the team's stunning 2-1 defeat by the Montreal Canadiens in the first game of their opening round.
“O captain! My captain! I fear our playoff run is done!
Without our peerless leader, can the main prize still be won?”
Tavares had to be taken off the ice on a stretcher Thursday night after he was inadvertently struck in the head by the left knee of Canadiens forward Corey Perry.
Tavares had been knocked down with a clean hit by defenceman Ben Chariot and was rolling over when he collided with Perry who was trailing the play.
Foligno made clear what he thought of the incident and how Tavares got injured.
“The sport is drear, when bells you hear, and you know who I am faulting:
The loathsome Worm, despised by all, a creature grim, unsparing.”
Foligno said he feared the worst when he saw his captain lying on the ice, “fallen cold and dead,” and it was with all his heart -- “O heart! heart! heart!” -- that he prayed Tavares would “rise up and hear the bells” of a distant church rejoicing in his revival.
But no clangor arose, as silence prevailed, with players standing as one, “a swaying mass, their eager faces turning.”
Foligno said it was then, alone with his thoughts, that his anger grew and he saw red -- “bleeding drops of red” -- the more he went over in his mind what he had just witnessed.
After watching several replays of the incident on a tablet at the team bench he realized it had been an accident but when Tavares gave a thumbs up as he was stretchered off the ice, a sure sign of life, that he, strapped in, was “anchor'ed safe and sound” in the care of medical professionals, Foligno saw it instead as a signal from his captain to have Perry “walk the deck.”
In other words: Follow The Code. And deck him.
Perry, no less an adherent to The Code, accepted Foligno's invitation to be held accountable, and obliged him further by getting pummelled.
Tavares, who suffered a concussion, and a knee injury, spent the night in a hospital before being sent home the next day to recover. He will be out indefinitely.
Foligno hasn't give up all hope that the Leafs can mount a comeback and win the series, despite not having got past the first round four years in a row.
But without his captain to helm a “victor ship,” it's going to be a “fearful trip,” he moaned.
The hit “wasn't malicious,” Foligno told reporters after the game.
But my team captain is lying on the ice, and a fight “takes away any grey (area – and possibly grey matter for that matter),” he said. “It just allows everyone to go back and play.”
The Code, it should be noted, is unwritten, being handed down from one generation of hockey players to the next by example, gesture, nods, and locker-room lectures by a corps of grizzled veterans.
The National Hockey League is said to be considering actually codifying The Code and including it as an addendum in its rule book, to be enforced by players alone, as it recognizes referees already have difficulty upholding existing rules in a manner that's consistent, and is reasonable.
(May 8, 2021)
A Hockey Play
One Act
(Of Violence)
[Scene: Madison Square Gardens. Members of the New York Rangers and Washington Capitals are standing along the boards, some distance apart, while on-ice officials, and medical staff are gathered around a Ranger player who lies crumpled on the ice.]
An imposing figure, sharply dressed, moustachioed, wearing a Homburg, steps on the ice and approaches them. He gives them a nod, which they return, kneels beside the player, puts on a pair of white latex gloves, and proceeds to examine him closely. He speaks.]
George Parros [looks up at the officials]: Any of you see what happen?
[Referees and linesmen shake their heads. A man in a windbreaker, hands in pockets, joins the group and says]: I did.
Parros: Who are you?
Man: I'm the Zamboni driver, Mr. Parros.
Parros: It's pronounced 'Parroh'. The 's' is silent. Okay, what did you see?
Man: Idiot Boy over there [points to a Capital player leaning against the boards at the Washington bench, supported by his elbows, surveying all, chewing his mouthguard with a smirk] high sticked our best player, Eugeni Vasilev.
Parros: You saw him do that?
Man: Well, no, not when it happened, but they keeping showing the replay on the big screen [points up to the big screen, where the incident is being shown over and over again].
[Parros glances up and then goes back to examining Vasilev]: Cameras can lie – the angle, lighting ... editing. I prefer to let the facts speak for themselves. [Turns player's head back and forth by the chin, then slips one hand behind and begins to feel around] How'd he'd get the bump in back of his head?
Man [looking up at the big screen] Idiot Boy cross-checked him in the head from behind.
Parros: Really, then why does he have a bump on his forehead?
Man: After Idiot Boy knocked off his helmet, he picked it up and threw it at Vasilev as he lay on the ice, knocking him out.
Parros [with eyebrows raised]: He's still alive? [He bends down and lays his head sideways on Vasilev's chest, listening for a heartbeat. Vasilev groans softly.]
A medic sitting on a wheeled stretcher: Yeah, he's alive. Now can we take him to the hospital? We've been here for more than an hour waiting for someone from your office to show up. We were about to take him to the ambulance parked outside the arena when Bob here [points to his colleague] reminded me the NHL has a new policy about dealing with [waggles fingers to indicate air quotes] 'possible major incidents of violence,' which is to have the Department of 'Player Safety' investigate 'the scene of the crime' while the evidence is still 'fresh' and 'before 'the alleged victim and his alleged assailant' depart. I'm surprised you showed up, being the head of the department.
Parros: I was in the area and took the call. Did you dust him for prints?
Medic [incredulously]: No. But we removed the mouthguard that was rammed down his throat when he got hit by the helmet.
Parros: Where's the helmet?
Man: Idiot Boy is holding it. He thinks it's a trophy, you know, like serial killers do, to remind them of their victims. I liked it better when Idiot Boy put notches on his stick.
Parros: Quit calling him Idiot Boy. He's an athlete who deserves respect for playing in an extremely competitive sport. [Looks over to Idiot Boy.] Hi, Tom. Care to say what happened?
Tom: Well, it was like this, George: The stinking Russian flattens one of our guys so I had to take matters into my own hands – well, that and my stick – because the lousy refs didn't call a penalty. You let a thing like that go unpunished and the other team starts taking all kinds of liberties. Look, I'm all for freedom, but not when it crosses the line. Red, blue or otherwise.
Man [looking up at the big screen yelps]: It was a hip check, for Pete's sakes, and a beaut! Best one I've seen in years.
Parros [ignoring the outburst]: So, Tom, what do you mean exactly when you say you used your stick?
Tom [furtively, evasively]: Well, I had to get his attention first, see, to let him know I didn't think what he did was right, and that I wanted to ... pursue the matter ... without engaging in a long-winded debate. He doesn''t speak English that good, you know, so I was gonna express myself with my hands – the universal language, right?
Parros: So you ... ?
Tom: So I tapped him on the shoulder like this [holds up one hand and makes tapping motion] and when it seemed he was about to hightail it, I tapped him again, with both hands, like this [makes a cross-checking motion]. That's when the stick slid up and caught him under the helmet, sending it flying.
Parros: That's how he got the bump on the back of his head?
Tom: No, no, no! Idiot Boy got it wrong [points to Zamboni driver]. He didn't get the bump THEN. He got it after he stumbled, going after his helmet I guess, and fell headfirst into the boards. He turned his head at the last moment ... trying to protect his face? I dunno. [Shrugs. Looks down at Vasilev] Yeah, why he would do that? You ever see an uglier mug – other than Idiot Boy's over here? [pointing to the Zamboni driver]
Parros: And the bump on his forehead?
Tom: That's when I returned his helmet to him. An act of kindness you might say. He didn't seem in any hurry to go get it himself.
[Parros turns to the two referees, two linesmen] And none of you saw any of this?
Referee No. 1: I was following the play up ice.
Referee No. 2: A couple of players skated by and blocked my vision.
Linesman No. 1: Same here.
Linesman No. 2: I was fetching the puck. The Capital player got hit on this side of centre ice and the puck rolled off his stick all the way down to the other end of the ice. So it was icing. [Chuckles] And right after that Vasilev got iced. I guess.
Parros: So did anyone see the hip check?
Referee No. 1: Oh, yeah, it was a beaut alright, just like this guy said.
Linesman No. 1: Man, did he ever nail him!
Linesman No. 2: And clean, too! Textbook hit!
Referee No. 2: Yeah, but then he stopped and smirked. I had my hand up to give him two minutes for unsportsmanlike conduct when all this other stuff happened. [Looks to the medics] Is he gonna be able to serve the penalty?
[Medic checks Vasilev for a pulse. Opens an eye. Pinches his cheek. Holds a mirror to his mouth. Reaches down inside his hockey pants and asks him to cough. Removes one skate and tickles his feet. Sticks a wet finger in his ear. Pulls his hair. Pokes him with a hockey stick. Finally he looks over to Parros]: He's still alive. Barely. But the skin turning blue worries me. We better get him to the hospital. It closes at 11. You got all you need?
Parros: Yeah, take him away. [Stands up, pulls out a notebook and begins writing].
Ranger captain skates over: So how many games is Idiot Bo – excuse me – Piece of Crap gonna get for his latest assault? Five games? 10 games? Indefinitely, until our guy is healthy enough to play again?
Parros [continues writing]: You'll have to wait until I finish my report and make a decision. [He writes for another 30 seconds and then stops] Done! [puts his notebook away]
Ranger captain: Annnnnd ... ? What's he getting?
Parros: A slap on the wrist.
Ranger captain explodes: A slap on the wrist! ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME?! A SLAP ON THE WRIST?!
[Parros pulls a leather strap from an inside coat pocket]: Yep, both of them.
[Motions to Tom to join him at his side and then orders him to hold out his hands, palms up. Tom begins to tremble]: Sorry, Tom, standing up for one of your teammates is part of The Code, a hockey play, but throwing his helmet at him when he's down, that's despicable. You never, EVER abuse equipment. It protects you. You protect it. Even if it isn't yours.
[Parros brings the strap down hard on Tom's right wrist and then the left one. Tom's tear-stained howl is louder than the first, but not so loud as to drown out the chorus of profanities from the Rangers. The Washington players tap their sticks on the ice in a show of support for their crestfallen comrade.]
[Camera pulls away to give a panoramic view of the scene from overhead. The big screen slowly comes into the picture, and it's showing the injured player being lifted into the ambulance.
His body -- including his face -- is covered with a sheet.]
Copyright 2021 John Bellyful
A Hockey Play
One Act
(Of Violence)
[Scene: Madison Square Gardens. Members of the New York Rangers and Washington Capitals are standing along the boards, some distance apart, while on-ice officials, and medical staff are gathered around a Ranger player who lies crumpled on the ice.]
An imposing figure, sharply dressed, moustachioed, wearing a Homburg, steps on the ice and approaches them. He gives them a nod, which they return, kneels beside the player, puts on a pair of white latex gloves, and proceeds to examine him closely. He speaks.]
George Parros [looks up at the officials]: Any of you see what happen?
[Referees and linesmen shake their heads. A man in a windbreaker, hands in pockets, joins the group and says]: I did.
Parros: Who are you?
Man: I'm the Zamboni driver, Mr. Parros.
Parros: It's pronounced 'Parroh'. The 's' is silent. Okay, what did you see?
Man: Idiot Boy over there [points to a Capital player leaning against the boards at the Washington bench, supported by his elbows, surveying all, chewing his mouthguard with a smirk] high sticked our best player, Eugeni Vasilev.
Parros: You saw him do that?
Man: Well, no, not when it happened, but they keeping showing the replay on the big screen [points up to the big screen, where the incident is being shown over and over again].
[Parros glances up and then goes back to examining Vasilev]: Cameras can lie – the angle, lighting ... editing. I prefer to let the facts speak for themselves. [Turns player's head back and forth by the chin, then slips one hand behind and begins to feel around] How'd he'd get the bump in back of his head?
Man [looking up at the big screen] Idiot Boy cross-checked him in the head from behind.
Parros: Really, then why does he have a bump on his forehead?
Man: After Idiot Boy knocked off his helmet, he picked it up and threw it at Vasilev as he lay on the ice, knocking him out.
Parros [with eyebrows raised]: He's still alive? [He bends down and lays his head sideways on Vasilev's chest, listening for a heartbeat. Vasilev groans softly.]
A medic sitting on a wheeled stretcher: Yeah, he's alive. Now can we take him to the hospital? We've been here for more than an hour waiting for someone from your office to show up. We were about to take him to the ambulance parked outside the arena when Bob here [points to his colleague] reminded me the NHL has a new policy about dealing with [waggles fingers to indicate air quotes] 'possible major incidents of violence,' which is to have the Department of 'Player Safety' investigate 'the scene of the crime' while the evidence is still 'fresh' and 'before 'the alleged victim and his alleged assailant' depart. I'm surprised you showed up, being the head of the department.
Parros: I was in the area and took the call. Did you dust him for prints?
Medic [incredulously]: No. But we removed the mouthguard that was rammed down his throat when he got hit by the helmet.
Parros: Where's the helmet?
Man: Idiot Boy is holding it. He thinks it's a trophy, you know, like serial killers do, to remind them of their victims. I liked it better when Idiot Boy put notches on his stick.
Parros: Quit calling him Idiot Boy. He's an athlete who deserves respect for playing in an extremely competitive sport. [Looks over to Idiot Boy.] Hi, Tom. Care to say what happened?
Tom: Well, it was like this, George: The stinking Russian flattens one of our guys so I had to take matters into my own hands – well, that and my stick – because the lousy refs didn't call a penalty. You let a thing like that go unpunished and the other team starts taking all kinds of liberties. Look, I'm all for freedom, but not when it crosses the line. Red, blue or otherwise.
Man [looking up at the big screen yelps]: It was a hip check, for Pete's sakes, and a beaut! Best one I've seen in years.
Parros [ignoring the outburst]: So, Tom, what do you mean exactly when you say you used your stick?
Tom [furtively, evasively]: Well, I had to get his attention first, see, to let him know I didn't think what he did was right, and that I wanted to ... pursue the matter ... without engaging in a long-winded debate. He doesn''t speak English that good, you know, so I was gonna express myself with my hands – the universal language, right?
Parros: So you ... ?
Tom: So I tapped him on the shoulder like this [holds up one hand and makes tapping motion] and when it seemed he was about to hightail it, I tapped him again, with both hands, like this [makes a cross-checking motion]. That's when the stick slid up and caught him under the helmet, sending it flying.
Parros: That's how he got the bump on the back of his head?
Tom: No, no, no! Idiot Boy got it wrong [points to Zamboni driver]. He didn't get the bump THEN. He got it after he stumbled, going after his helmet I guess, and fell headfirst into the boards. He turned his head at the last moment ... trying to protect his face? I dunno. [Shrugs. Looks down at Vasilev] Yeah, why he would do that? You ever see an uglier mug – other than Idiot Boy's over here? [pointing to the Zamboni driver]
Parros: And the bump on his forehead?
Tom: That's when I returned his helmet to him. An act of kindness you might say. He didn't seem in any hurry to go get it himself.
[Parros turns to the two referees, two linesmen] And none of you saw any of this?
Referee No. 1: I was following the play up ice.
Referee No. 2: A couple of players skated by and blocked my vision.
Linesman No. 1: Same here.
Linesman No. 2: I was fetching the puck. The Capital player got hit on this side of centre ice and the puck rolled off his stick all the way down to the other end of the ice. So it was icing. [Chuckles] And right after that Vasilev got iced. I guess.
Parros: So did anyone see the hip check?
Referee No. 1: Oh, yeah, it was a beaut alright, just like this guy said.
Linesman No. 1: Man, did he ever nail him!
Linesman No. 2: And clean, too! Textbook hit!
Referee No. 2: Yeah, but then he stopped and smirked. I had my hand up to give him two minutes for unsportsmanlike conduct when all this other stuff happened. [Looks to the medics] Is he gonna be able to serve the penalty?
[Medic checks Vasilev for a pulse. Opens an eye. Pinches his cheek. Holds a mirror to his mouth. Reaches down inside his hockey pants and asks him to cough. Removes one skate and tickles his feet. Sticks a wet finger in his ear. Pulls his hair. Pokes him with a hockey stick. Finally he looks over to Parros]: He's still alive. Barely. But the skin turning blue worries me. We better get him to the hospital. It closes at 11. You got all you need?
Parros: Yeah, take him away. [Stands up, pulls out a notebook and begins writing].
Ranger captain skates over: So how many games is Idiot Bo – excuse me – Piece of Crap gonna get for his latest assault? Five games? 10 games? Indefinitely, until our guy is healthy enough to play again?
Parros [continues writing]: You'll have to wait until I finish my report and make a decision. [He writes for another 30 seconds and then stops] Done! [puts his notebook away]
Ranger captain: Annnnnd ... ? What's he getting?
Parros: A slap on the wrist.
Ranger captain explodes: A slap on the wrist! ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME?! A SLAP ON THE WRIST?!
[Parros pulls a leather strap from an inside coat pocket]: Yep, both of them.
[Motions to Tom to join him at his side and then orders him to hold out his hands, palms up. Tom begins to tremble]: Sorry, Tom, standing up for one of your teammates is part of The Code, a hockey play, but throwing his helmet at him when he's down, that's despicable. You never, EVER abuse equipment. It protects you. You protect it. Even if it isn't yours.
[Parros brings the strap down hard on Tom's right wrist and then the left one. Tom's tear-stained howl is louder than the first, but not so loud as to drown out the chorus of profanities from the Rangers. The Washington players tap their sticks on the ice in a show of support for their crestfallen comrade.]
[Camera pulls away to give a panoramic view of the scene from overhead. The big screen slowly comes into the picture, and it's showing the injured player being lifted into the ambulance.
His body -- including his face -- is covered with a sheet.]
Copyright 2021 John Bellyful
Players' union has had enough
(May 5, 2021)
The slap on the wrist repeat offender Tom Wilson received for manhandling a pair of opponents doesn't sit well with the National Hockey League Players' Association.
The union expelled the Washington Capitals forward today, saying he's “a danger” to other members.
“If the league won't keep our players in check it looks like we'll have to do it ourselves,” NHLPA president Don Fehr said. “A $5,000 fine for roughing up a pair of New York Rangers isn't much of a deterrent for a guy who's been suspended five times.”
“The next collective bargaining agreement we negotiate, he won't be a player we represent in talks. He can do his own negotiating. He's not who we are.”
Fehr said the players' association can no longer turn a blind eye to members who behave badly towards other members.
“What other union would allow its members to attack other members and turn the workplace into a hazardous zone?”
To deter other NHLPA members from turning into “loose cannons,” Fehr said the association will introduce a new schedule of union dues.
Players penalized for fouls intended to hurt an opponent, such as high sticking, hitting from behind and kneeing, will pay “significantly more,” in union dues, Fehr said, based on the number of infractions that fall into the wilful harm category.
Half of the money collected will go into a fund to support former players who are battling health problems as a result of injuries they suffered during their career that were deliberately inflicted.
The other half will finance new training videos for referees “so fouls won't go unnoticed that cause tempers to rise among players,” Fehr said.
The union will also be creating a new position, director of player safety whose job it will be “to impress upon members there's no need for dirty play. Don Cherry isn't on Hockey Night in Canada any more. But some guys apparently didn't get the memo.”
“We don't need guys like Wilson giving hockey a black eye by giving players a black eye,” he said.
(May 5, 2021)
The slap on the wrist repeat offender Tom Wilson received for manhandling a pair of opponents doesn't sit well with the National Hockey League Players' Association.
The union expelled the Washington Capitals forward today, saying he's “a danger” to other members.
“If the league won't keep our players in check it looks like we'll have to do it ourselves,” NHLPA president Don Fehr said. “A $5,000 fine for roughing up a pair of New York Rangers isn't much of a deterrent for a guy who's been suspended five times.”
“The next collective bargaining agreement we negotiate, he won't be a player we represent in talks. He can do his own negotiating. He's not who we are.”
Fehr said the players' association can no longer turn a blind eye to members who behave badly towards other members.
“What other union would allow its members to attack other members and turn the workplace into a hazardous zone?”
To deter other NHLPA members from turning into “loose cannons,” Fehr said the association will introduce a new schedule of union dues.
Players penalized for fouls intended to hurt an opponent, such as high sticking, hitting from behind and kneeing, will pay “significantly more,” in union dues, Fehr said, based on the number of infractions that fall into the wilful harm category.
Half of the money collected will go into a fund to support former players who are battling health problems as a result of injuries they suffered during their career that were deliberately inflicted.
The other half will finance new training videos for referees “so fouls won't go unnoticed that cause tempers to rise among players,” Fehr said.
The union will also be creating a new position, director of player safety whose job it will be “to impress upon members there's no need for dirty play. Don Cherry isn't on Hockey Night in Canada any more. But some guys apparently didn't get the memo.”
“We don't need guys like Wilson giving hockey a black eye by giving players a black eye,” he said.
Em-Parros-ed, NHL fires head of player safety
(May 5, 2021)
George Parros is out as the head of player safety for the National Hockey League.
He was fired last night after the New York Rangers called for his dismissal, saying he was “unfit to continue in his current role.”
The team was furious the league chose not to suspend indefinitely Washington Capitals forward Tom Wilson for “his horrifying act of violence” against two of New York's players.
Wilson punched Pavel Buchnevich in the back of the head as he was face down on the ice, and then he tossed Artemi Panarin to the ice minutes later with such force that it ended the star player's season.
Wilson was fined $5,000, even though he is a repeat offender with a history of assaulting fellow members of the National Hockey League's Players' Association in front of witnesses.
The Rangers said Parros' failure to even hold a hearing to determine if Wilson warranted supplementary disciple was a clear “dereliction of duty” by the head of player safety.
Parros played 474 games as a forward in the NHL, scoring a grand total of 18 goals and 18 assists while racking up 1,092 minutes in penalties.
“The guy was an enforcer and now that he's a suit he can't enforce league rules against player violence?” asked an infuriated Ranger official who asked to remain anonymous “and safe.”
The groundswell of public outrage that greeted Wilson's evasion of justice caught the league's attention. It held a two-hour emergency executive meeting late yesterday afternoon, after which commissioner Gary Bettman announced in a release that Parros had been relieved of his duties.
“Mr. Parros is a decent human being whose inclination is to be lenient with offenders in hopes they will rehabilitate their conduct,” Bettman said. “But sometimes discipline requires a firm hand, and George couldn't bring himself to do that because he's too kind a person.”
Many saw Bettman's mealymouthed statement as an effort to save face -- “especially his own if the two men were ever to meet later,” said a league insider.
Parros was emailed the same release five minutes before it was posted on www.nhl.com.
When Parros was named head of player safety in September 2017 he said he was “uniquely” qualified for the job because he “played the game as physically as anybody and ... never once was fined or suspended."
“It should have been obvious to the NHL then that the standard he would follow for judging offenders was how he used to play the game,” the insider said. “If he could get away with being a goon back when he played why shouldn't his kind get away with it now? It became more and more obvious what was happening the longer he was head of the department.”
The NHL unofficial spokesman said the league has sent a memo to all teams asking that they “behave” themselves until a replacement for Parros is found.
A rumour has quickly surfaced, however, that the NHL might implement a new system of administering supplemental discipline before next season.
It involves having each team nominate a player who has retired within the last five years to sit on a tribunal that will rule on infractions that merit further scrutiny. Votes will be held online after the players have monitored a virtual hearing or listened in on a conference call.
“Of course there's a danger teams could nominate former players who are puds, thugs and non-Lady Byng winners – and then we'd be back to where we've been for the last 20 years,” said the insider. “It's funny in a sad kind of way that the NHL's heads of player safety have never been that concerned about the safety of players' heads.”
(May 5, 2021)
George Parros is out as the head of player safety for the National Hockey League.
He was fired last night after the New York Rangers called for his dismissal, saying he was “unfit to continue in his current role.”
The team was furious the league chose not to suspend indefinitely Washington Capitals forward Tom Wilson for “his horrifying act of violence” against two of New York's players.
Wilson punched Pavel Buchnevich in the back of the head as he was face down on the ice, and then he tossed Artemi Panarin to the ice minutes later with such force that it ended the star player's season.
Wilson was fined $5,000, even though he is a repeat offender with a history of assaulting fellow members of the National Hockey League's Players' Association in front of witnesses.
The Rangers said Parros' failure to even hold a hearing to determine if Wilson warranted supplementary disciple was a clear “dereliction of duty” by the head of player safety.
Parros played 474 games as a forward in the NHL, scoring a grand total of 18 goals and 18 assists while racking up 1,092 minutes in penalties.
“The guy was an enforcer and now that he's a suit he can't enforce league rules against player violence?” asked an infuriated Ranger official who asked to remain anonymous “and safe.”
The groundswell of public outrage that greeted Wilson's evasion of justice caught the league's attention. It held a two-hour emergency executive meeting late yesterday afternoon, after which commissioner Gary Bettman announced in a release that Parros had been relieved of his duties.
“Mr. Parros is a decent human being whose inclination is to be lenient with offenders in hopes they will rehabilitate their conduct,” Bettman said. “But sometimes discipline requires a firm hand, and George couldn't bring himself to do that because he's too kind a person.”
Many saw Bettman's mealymouthed statement as an effort to save face -- “especially his own if the two men were ever to meet later,” said a league insider.
Parros was emailed the same release five minutes before it was posted on www.nhl.com.
When Parros was named head of player safety in September 2017 he said he was “uniquely” qualified for the job because he “played the game as physically as anybody and ... never once was fined or suspended."
“It should have been obvious to the NHL then that the standard he would follow for judging offenders was how he used to play the game,” the insider said. “If he could get away with being a goon back when he played why shouldn't his kind get away with it now? It became more and more obvious what was happening the longer he was head of the department.”
The NHL unofficial spokesman said the league has sent a memo to all teams asking that they “behave” themselves until a replacement for Parros is found.
A rumour has quickly surfaced, however, that the NHL might implement a new system of administering supplemental discipline before next season.
It involves having each team nominate a player who has retired within the last five years to sit on a tribunal that will rule on infractions that merit further scrutiny. Votes will be held online after the players have monitored a virtual hearing or listened in on a conference call.
“Of course there's a danger teams could nominate former players who are puds, thugs and non-Lady Byng winners – and then we'd be back to where we've been for the last 20 years,” said the insider. “It's funny in a sad kind of way that the NHL's heads of player safety have never been that concerned about the safety of players' heads.”
Habs tell fans: We need to stick together
(April 27, 2021)
The Montreal Canadiens are encouraging people to get vaccinated to help put an end to the COVID-19 pandemic.
The team has made a handful of public service announcements urging hesitant Canadians to do the right thing and take the vaccine.
The 30-second radio and TV ads will begin airing tomorrow night when the Canadiens take on the Toronto Maple Leafs.
One has GM Marc Bergevin looking into the camera and saying: “COVID-19 vaccines are safe. You have as much chance of getting sick as Jonathan Drouin does scoring another goal this season.”
In another PSA Canadiens captain Shea Weber skates over to the boards, rests an arm on top, and then says: “Okay, I admit it, I'm slow. But not when it comes to protecting myself. I'll do anything to keep me and others safe. But here's the thing: You can't cross-check COVID-19 in the back to make it go away. You can't ram it into the boards to beat it. No, the only way you're going to show who's boss is to have someone stick a needle in your upper arm. High sticking I call it [winks]. It works for me. And it will for you. So roll up your sleeves, folks. It's no time to turtle.”
In a third PSA, team owner Geoff Molson, shown seated behind his desk, sets down his phone, turns to the camera and says: “We have the greatest fans in the world. They've stuck with us even when we've been at our worst, like the last four, five years, you lose track. That kind of devotion is priceless, which, to be honest with you, I wish we were. Price-less. So you know I'm speaking from my heart when I say to you, Hab fans: Get vaccinated. We can't afford you to lose any of you. You're special. You do that, get a shot, and I pledge here right now that next season, Marc Bergevin's last as GM, we'll win the Stanley Cup. That's right. Win the Stanley Cup in Bergevin's last year. Our 25th Cup, his 10th year on the job. Knowing one of these will definitely happen doesn't it make you want to stick around a bit longer? [nods head, raises a thumb] Thought so. So, do yourselves a favour. Get vaccinated. You'll be glad you did.
Oh, and be sure to ask for a Band-Aid with our logo on it.”
(April 27, 2021)
The Montreal Canadiens are encouraging people to get vaccinated to help put an end to the COVID-19 pandemic.
The team has made a handful of public service announcements urging hesitant Canadians to do the right thing and take the vaccine.
The 30-second radio and TV ads will begin airing tomorrow night when the Canadiens take on the Toronto Maple Leafs.
One has GM Marc Bergevin looking into the camera and saying: “COVID-19 vaccines are safe. You have as much chance of getting sick as Jonathan Drouin does scoring another goal this season.”
In another PSA Canadiens captain Shea Weber skates over to the boards, rests an arm on top, and then says: “Okay, I admit it, I'm slow. But not when it comes to protecting myself. I'll do anything to keep me and others safe. But here's the thing: You can't cross-check COVID-19 in the back to make it go away. You can't ram it into the boards to beat it. No, the only way you're going to show who's boss is to have someone stick a needle in your upper arm. High sticking I call it [winks]. It works for me. And it will for you. So roll up your sleeves, folks. It's no time to turtle.”
In a third PSA, team owner Geoff Molson, shown seated behind his desk, sets down his phone, turns to the camera and says: “We have the greatest fans in the world. They've stuck with us even when we've been at our worst, like the last four, five years, you lose track. That kind of devotion is priceless, which, to be honest with you, I wish we were. Price-less. So you know I'm speaking from my heart when I say to you, Hab fans: Get vaccinated. We can't afford you to lose any of you. You're special. You do that, get a shot, and I pledge here right now that next season, Marc Bergevin's last as GM, we'll win the Stanley Cup. That's right. Win the Stanley Cup in Bergevin's last year. Our 25th Cup, his 10th year on the job. Knowing one of these will definitely happen doesn't it make you want to stick around a bit longer? [nods head, raises a thumb] Thought so. So, do yourselves a favour. Get vaccinated. You'll be glad you did.
Oh, and be sure to ask for a Band-Aid with our logo on it.”
Canadiens being investigated
(April 10, 2021)
The National Hockey League is investigating an anonymous report that three players with the Montreal Canadiens were “deliberately injured” during a light skate Saturday morning “to open up cap space for a blockbuster deal” that general manager Marc Bergevin is said to be working on.
The trade deadline is Monday so Bergevin “had to act quickly if he wanted to clinch a deal for a puck-moving defenceman,” a source said.
The three players – Jonathan Drouin, Paul Byron and Artturi Lehkonen – suffered knee injuries that will sideline them for at least several weeks, “which will free up millions to go after a free-wheeling rearguard, who loves to throw his weight around,” the source said.
How it happened is the subject of intense speculation throughout the hockey world, There is video of the first three players about to step on the ice when the one in front, Byron, falls flat on his face, and the two following him tumble as well. All are shown in a heap writhing in pain, holding each other's knees, so dazed were they but what had taken place.
It wasn't long before rumours began circulating on Twitter that the threesome had been sent flying by a trip wire strung across the bottom of the gate opening.
In the confusion that followed no one noticed until the video was reviewed that a mysterious figure had been kneeling beside the opening while everyone's attention was directed at the three moaning players. He was seen slipping away, being careful to keep his face covered by a massive comb forward of his ample locks.
There was no sign of tampering but a loose screw was discovered on each side of the boards and they could have served as anchors for a trip wire.
Bergevin issued a statement within a half-hour of the incident, expressing sorrow that three of his “favourite players” will have to go on the long-term injured reserve.
“Losing them at this time of year, when we're fighting for a playoff spot, is a real blow to the team,” he said. “but I'm confident we have people in the system who can fill their spots so we won't skip a beat.”
The Canadiens have lost two in a row so Bergevin might be correct in saying the team will carry on as it has.
“Also, the three forwards who went on the LTIR weren't doing much of anything anyways,” said the source, “so let's just say they won't be missed.”
The source said he didn't know who the general manager has his eye on to add to the team “but expect the unexpected with Bergevin,” he said. “I wouldn't be surprised if we see (PK) Subban suiting up as a Canadien once again.”
The NHL said it will complete its investigation and deliver a finding before Monday's trade deadline.
“If the league decides the Canadiens engineered the mishap, they will pay a heavy price,” the source said. “The team will be forced to extend Bergevin's contract another seven years.”
(April 10, 2021)
The National Hockey League is investigating an anonymous report that three players with the Montreal Canadiens were “deliberately injured” during a light skate Saturday morning “to open up cap space for a blockbuster deal” that general manager Marc Bergevin is said to be working on.
The trade deadline is Monday so Bergevin “had to act quickly if he wanted to clinch a deal for a puck-moving defenceman,” a source said.
The three players – Jonathan Drouin, Paul Byron and Artturi Lehkonen – suffered knee injuries that will sideline them for at least several weeks, “which will free up millions to go after a free-wheeling rearguard, who loves to throw his weight around,” the source said.
How it happened is the subject of intense speculation throughout the hockey world, There is video of the first three players about to step on the ice when the one in front, Byron, falls flat on his face, and the two following him tumble as well. All are shown in a heap writhing in pain, holding each other's knees, so dazed were they but what had taken place.
It wasn't long before rumours began circulating on Twitter that the threesome had been sent flying by a trip wire strung across the bottom of the gate opening.
In the confusion that followed no one noticed until the video was reviewed that a mysterious figure had been kneeling beside the opening while everyone's attention was directed at the three moaning players. He was seen slipping away, being careful to keep his face covered by a massive comb forward of his ample locks.
There was no sign of tampering but a loose screw was discovered on each side of the boards and they could have served as anchors for a trip wire.
Bergevin issued a statement within a half-hour of the incident, expressing sorrow that three of his “favourite players” will have to go on the long-term injured reserve.
“Losing them at this time of year, when we're fighting for a playoff spot, is a real blow to the team,” he said. “but I'm confident we have people in the system who can fill their spots so we won't skip a beat.”
The Canadiens have lost two in a row so Bergevin might be correct in saying the team will carry on as it has.
“Also, the three forwards who went on the LTIR weren't doing much of anything anyways,” said the source, “so let's just say they won't be missed.”
The source said he didn't know who the general manager has his eye on to add to the team “but expect the unexpected with Bergevin,” he said. “I wouldn't be surprised if we see (PK) Subban suiting up as a Canadien once again.”
The NHL said it will complete its investigation and deliver a finding before Monday's trade deadline.
“If the league decides the Canadiens engineered the mishap, they will pay a heavy price,” the source said. “The team will be forced to extend Bergevin's contract another seven years.”
Peel slipped up, it cost him his job
(March 24, 2021)
The National Hockey League Officials' Association (NHLOA) has instructed its members “to call every goddamn penalty in the rule book” as a show of support for referee Tim Peel who was fired by the league today.
Peel was punished for calling a tripping penalty in a game Tuesday night between the Nashville Predators and Detroit Red Wings even though, as he said, “it wasn't much, but (he) wanted to get a f---king penalty against Nashville early.”
Peel didn't argue he had been misquoted because his words were picked up by a rink-side TV microphone.
NHL senior executive vice president Colin Campbell said in a statement issued Wednesday there is “no justification for his comments, no matter the context or his intention, and the National Hockey League will take any and all steps necessary to protect the integrity of our game."
“Nothing is more important than ensuring the integrity of our game.”
NHLOA spokesperson Phil Wilburforce said the association was “thunderstruck” by the league's action.
“Our guys have never been held to account before. What gives now? This is what happens when a guy is being candid with another official? So much for freedom of speech in private.”
Wilburforce said the association's executive held an emergency Zoom meeting to consider its options and after two hours – one hour was spent figuring out the cat filter – the decision was made “to go into the corner with the NHL with elbows up. I was going to say play hardball but then thought, well, I should stick with our sport.”
Wilburforce said Peel “is being made the fall guy. Referees take a lot of abuse from fans, players and coaches for not applying the rules consistently but that's what the league's top brass wants them to do to keep scores close. If referees didn't manage games – call it tight here, back off a little there -- there would be blowouts every night. Hell, if we didn't officiate the Montreal Canadiens' matches the way we do, they'd be so far out in front that interest in the North Division would drop right off.”
But that tacit understanding between the league and its officials “went out the window the same time they tossed Tim out,” Wilburforce said.
The association issued a four-page release spelling out “the work to rules campaign” it's launching, beginning with games scheduled for Thursday night.
For instance:
● Linesmen will fake drop the puck on face-offs until every player has been tossed out of the circle – literally tossed – and only the goalies are left to take draws.
● Linemen will continue to break up fights but from now on they'll do it by punching the combatants.
● Linesmen will no longer pick up the puck after a stoppage in play. Players will have to hand it to them. Hand it, not toss.
● Referees, when announcing penalties, will give the player's number AND his name, as well as offer an editorial opinion. Wilburforce provided an example: “No. 23, Nick Boistra, two minutes for holding because he was out of position and had been on the ice too long.”
● Referees will also refer to the rule book to explain in more detail why a call was made. Wilburforce again provided an example: “No. 23, Nick Boistra, two minutes for boarding because he saw an opportunity to injure an opponent by checking him in such a manner that it caused the target of his aggression to impact the boards violently, even though the onus was on the now-penalized player, in this case, No. 23, Nick Boistra, to ensure his opponent was not in a defenceless position and to avoid making contact if he was. I have also determined in accordance with the rules that the victim had not placed himself in a vulnerable position immediately prior to or simultaneously with the check, and that he was fortunate not to have suffered a significant injury, other than to lose two teeth.”
The association is prepared for the flak its officials will no doubt receive when games get bogged down by a parade of players being sent to the penalty box.
“Why have rules if you're not going to enforce them?” Wilburforce asked wrytorically. “Where would society be if laws weren't upheld? We realize now we were wrong to enter into an unholy alliance with the league, thinking its intentions were to make the sport attractive. It turns out the NHL is not interested in having appeal.”
Wilburforce said referees will wear a black band on their arm along with their red band; they'll also wear their former colleague's number on their shoulder.
The association further stated it will demand the NHL repeal its decision and let Peel return to work.
Talk of an appeal was met with peals of laughter when the league's head office heard about it, sources say.
(March 24, 2021)
The National Hockey League Officials' Association (NHLOA) has instructed its members “to call every goddamn penalty in the rule book” as a show of support for referee Tim Peel who was fired by the league today.
Peel was punished for calling a tripping penalty in a game Tuesday night between the Nashville Predators and Detroit Red Wings even though, as he said, “it wasn't much, but (he) wanted to get a f---king penalty against Nashville early.”
Peel didn't argue he had been misquoted because his words were picked up by a rink-side TV microphone.
NHL senior executive vice president Colin Campbell said in a statement issued Wednesday there is “no justification for his comments, no matter the context or his intention, and the National Hockey League will take any and all steps necessary to protect the integrity of our game."
“Nothing is more important than ensuring the integrity of our game.”
NHLOA spokesperson Phil Wilburforce said the association was “thunderstruck” by the league's action.
“Our guys have never been held to account before. What gives now? This is what happens when a guy is being candid with another official? So much for freedom of speech in private.”
Wilburforce said the association's executive held an emergency Zoom meeting to consider its options and after two hours – one hour was spent figuring out the cat filter – the decision was made “to go into the corner with the NHL with elbows up. I was going to say play hardball but then thought, well, I should stick with our sport.”
Wilburforce said Peel “is being made the fall guy. Referees take a lot of abuse from fans, players and coaches for not applying the rules consistently but that's what the league's top brass wants them to do to keep scores close. If referees didn't manage games – call it tight here, back off a little there -- there would be blowouts every night. Hell, if we didn't officiate the Montreal Canadiens' matches the way we do, they'd be so far out in front that interest in the North Division would drop right off.”
But that tacit understanding between the league and its officials “went out the window the same time they tossed Tim out,” Wilburforce said.
The association issued a four-page release spelling out “the work to rules campaign” it's launching, beginning with games scheduled for Thursday night.
For instance:
● Linesmen will fake drop the puck on face-offs until every player has been tossed out of the circle – literally tossed – and only the goalies are left to take draws.
● Linemen will continue to break up fights but from now on they'll do it by punching the combatants.
● Linesmen will no longer pick up the puck after a stoppage in play. Players will have to hand it to them. Hand it, not toss.
● Referees, when announcing penalties, will give the player's number AND his name, as well as offer an editorial opinion. Wilburforce provided an example: “No. 23, Nick Boistra, two minutes for holding because he was out of position and had been on the ice too long.”
● Referees will also refer to the rule book to explain in more detail why a call was made. Wilburforce again provided an example: “No. 23, Nick Boistra, two minutes for boarding because he saw an opportunity to injure an opponent by checking him in such a manner that it caused the target of his aggression to impact the boards violently, even though the onus was on the now-penalized player, in this case, No. 23, Nick Boistra, to ensure his opponent was not in a defenceless position and to avoid making contact if he was. I have also determined in accordance with the rules that the victim had not placed himself in a vulnerable position immediately prior to or simultaneously with the check, and that he was fortunate not to have suffered a significant injury, other than to lose two teeth.”
The association is prepared for the flak its officials will no doubt receive when games get bogged down by a parade of players being sent to the penalty box.
“Why have rules if you're not going to enforce them?” Wilburforce asked wrytorically. “Where would society be if laws weren't upheld? We realize now we were wrong to enter into an unholy alliance with the league, thinking its intentions were to make the sport attractive. It turns out the NHL is not interested in having appeal.”
Wilburforce said referees will wear a black band on their arm along with their red band; they'll also wear their former colleague's number on their shoulder.
The association further stated it will demand the NHL repeal its decision and let Peel return to work.
Talk of an appeal was met with peals of laughter when the league's head office heard about it, sources say.
A waning Weber makes winning harder
(March 17, 2021)
Shea Weber is showing his age – which some will tell you is Bronze. He's slowed down so much referees tell him to “keep it movin'” when he carries the puck up ice. People are even taking potshots at his slapshots.
O, how the mighty have fallen in the eyes of fickle fans.
But there was a time, folks, when Weber was held in awe and admirers outdid each other paying tribute to his greatness. You might remember some of the high praise he received ...
From Oct. 1, 2019
Trains stop for Weber at railway crossings.
Weber considers sides of beef finger food.
Opportunity asks first before knocking on Weber's door.
Whenever Weber is feeling constipated he swallows a porcupine.
Weber played the piano in a marching band.
Weber puts whole pineapples on his pizza.
Weber does push-ups lying on his back.
More from Oct. 1, 2019
Mirrors sigh when Weber walks by.
When Weber can't sleep at night the sun moves up its schedule.
Urinals swoon when Shea enters men's rooms.
Weber plays tiddlywinks with tire rims.
When Weber takes a stand it's usually a grand.
Weber once confused a caber toss for a javelin throw.
Weber uses Mete as a backscratcher.
Kryptonite gives Weber a slight rash.
Weber once choked on a coconut.
From Sept. 30, 2019
Weber gargles with Javex and spits out wine.
When Weber sings the national anthem not a single player moves.
Weber sneezes with his eyes open.
Weber can crush a diamond into coal.
Weber lets mountain climbers rappel his back.
When a black cat crosses Weber's path it dies of fright.
Weber doesn't wear a jock strap.
Weber can glower a 16-ounce steak to perfection.
Weber uses jalapeno toothpaste.
Weber cleans his ears with a screw driver.
Everybody laughs at Weber's knock-knockout jokes.
When Weber wears a bra in the dressing room, his teammates say "Lookin' good, bro'.”
More from Sept. 30, 2019
Weber's alarm is the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
Weber carries a five pound note in his wallet. No, really, it's five pounds.
Weber likes surfing lava flows.
That twinkle in Weber's eye is a chunk of glass from a barroom brawl.
Weber breathes only when he feels like it.
Weber doesn't even bother to open the can when he eats spinach.
Weber isn't fast which is why he uses a eight-foot stick.
Weber's shot is so hard it's crumpled goalposts and caused defenders to lose their tans.
When Weber spits on the ice it leaves little potholes.
Weber has never made a spelling mistake. The dictionaries correct their entries.
(March 17, 2021)
Shea Weber is showing his age – which some will tell you is Bronze. He's slowed down so much referees tell him to “keep it movin'” when he carries the puck up ice. People are even taking potshots at his slapshots.
O, how the mighty have fallen in the eyes of fickle fans.
But there was a time, folks, when Weber was held in awe and admirers outdid each other paying tribute to his greatness. You might remember some of the high praise he received ...
From Oct. 1, 2019
Trains stop for Weber at railway crossings.
Weber considers sides of beef finger food.
Opportunity asks first before knocking on Weber's door.
Whenever Weber is feeling constipated he swallows a porcupine.
Weber played the piano in a marching band.
Weber puts whole pineapples on his pizza.
Weber does push-ups lying on his back.
More from Oct. 1, 2019
Mirrors sigh when Weber walks by.
When Weber can't sleep at night the sun moves up its schedule.
Urinals swoon when Shea enters men's rooms.
Weber plays tiddlywinks with tire rims.
When Weber takes a stand it's usually a grand.
Weber once confused a caber toss for a javelin throw.
Weber uses Mete as a backscratcher.
Kryptonite gives Weber a slight rash.
Weber once choked on a coconut.
From Sept. 30, 2019
Weber gargles with Javex and spits out wine.
When Weber sings the national anthem not a single player moves.
Weber sneezes with his eyes open.
Weber can crush a diamond into coal.
Weber lets mountain climbers rappel his back.
When a black cat crosses Weber's path it dies of fright.
Weber doesn't wear a jock strap.
Weber can glower a 16-ounce steak to perfection.
Weber uses jalapeno toothpaste.
Weber cleans his ears with a screw driver.
Everybody laughs at Weber's knock-knockout jokes.
When Weber wears a bra in the dressing room, his teammates say "Lookin' good, bro'.”
More from Sept. 30, 2019
Weber's alarm is the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard.
Weber carries a five pound note in his wallet. No, really, it's five pounds.
Weber likes surfing lava flows.
That twinkle in Weber's eye is a chunk of glass from a barroom brawl.
Weber breathes only when he feels like it.
Weber doesn't even bother to open the can when he eats spinach.
Weber isn't fast which is why he uses a eight-foot stick.
Weber's shot is so hard it's crumpled goalposts and caused defenders to lose their tans.
When Weber spits on the ice it leaves little potholes.
Weber has never made a spelling mistake. The dictionaries correct their entries.
Man, did we love Weber back then
(March 17, 2021)
From July 10, 2016
He eclipses eclipses.
He makes molehills out of mountains.
He can stop on a dime. And tell you what year it was minted.
People laugh uproariously at his jokes even though the punchlines really, really hurt.
He can crush beer cans with his ear.
He's been banned from nudist colonies because the men get depressed.
Cats give him attention.
He stopped an earthquake by straddling the divide.
Kryptonite makes him sneeze.
His hearing is so acute he can hear a flower blossom.
He prays to himself.
When he breaks a stick, the referee hands him a new one.
His shot is so hard it breaks the sound barrier – then the glass.
He's donated a kidney three times.
They had to double the length of the field for his caber toss.
He cracks his knuckles with a hammer.
He quit Mensa because he found it boring.
The Hockey Hall of Fame is building a wing for his induction
He's never got the final Jeopardy question wrong.
He relaxes during intermissions by reading Ulysses. Aloud. No one minds.
His hockey IQ is said to rival Pierre McGuire's.
Time stands still – and salutes – when he walks by.
He knows when to use 'whom'.
He once gave CPR to a beached whale.
He always puts the toilet lid down.
He never gets lost in thought.
He shaves with a chisel.
He goes hunting with a bow and toothpick.
He swam the English Channel – underwater.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa no longer leans.
He's the first person to surf Niagara Falls.
He carves duck decoys with his teeth.
He plays tennis by himself.
He played solitaire with a deck of 51 – and won
When he knocks over a salt shaker, he tosses a waiter over his shoulder.
He goes bungee jumping without the bungee
He sharpens knives on his chin.
He perpendicular parks.
Anyone driving to his net is sent on a painful detour.
Most players chew their mouth guards. He chews pucks.
He's struck lightning.
He's larger than life. About the same height as death.
The sun doesn't rise until his alarm goes off.
He can stare at the sun and make it blink.
When life hands him a lemon, he puts it in a headlock.
He always wins at rock, scissors, paper with 'Volcano!'
Telemarketers end up buying season tickets.
He knows the words to every Barry Manilow song – and his teammates are impressed.
He once saved a man from choking – but broke seven of his ribs.
No email from him has ever gone unanswered.
He skips with logging chains.
Any pot he watches boils in seconds.
His envelopes lick themselves.
His abs have abs.
He likes to put a twinkle in other people's eyes; or as some would say, make them see stars.
He once dislodged a net, using a centre as a crowbar.
He will take no for an answer when the question is 'Are you going to stand in front of my net?'
He once played a third period with a broken back.
He can slow down climate change as long as it stays close to the boards.
He discovered a 27th letter, between Q and R.
He smokes salmon.
He can light candles by flaring his nostrils.
His blind dates regain their sight.
He can split an infinitive without breaking into a sweat.
From July 8, 2016
His grasp is so fine he's never cracked a joke.
His sweat sells for $100 an ounce.
His hair and fingernails grow to the length he tells them.
A floodlight appears over his head whenever he gets an idea.
The Queen curtsies to him.
His dressing room stall in Montreal has already been named a heritage site.
When he belches, others says 'Excuse me.'
Shea butter reverses the aging process.
He once dipped a toe in a sewage lagoon and turned it into a fishing pond
When he leaves a room, he takes it with him.
He can read the fine print on television car ads
When people ask for his autograph he tattoos it on their arm. And it's legible.
He saved a man's life by ordering him to stop having a heart attack.
When he scores a goal, he lifts an eyebrow.
(March 17, 2021)
From July 10, 2016
He eclipses eclipses.
He makes molehills out of mountains.
He can stop on a dime. And tell you what year it was minted.
People laugh uproariously at his jokes even though the punchlines really, really hurt.
He can crush beer cans with his ear.
He's been banned from nudist colonies because the men get depressed.
Cats give him attention.
He stopped an earthquake by straddling the divide.
Kryptonite makes him sneeze.
His hearing is so acute he can hear a flower blossom.
He prays to himself.
When he breaks a stick, the referee hands him a new one.
His shot is so hard it breaks the sound barrier – then the glass.
He's donated a kidney three times.
They had to double the length of the field for his caber toss.
He cracks his knuckles with a hammer.
He quit Mensa because he found it boring.
The Hockey Hall of Fame is building a wing for his induction
He's never got the final Jeopardy question wrong.
He relaxes during intermissions by reading Ulysses. Aloud. No one minds.
His hockey IQ is said to rival Pierre McGuire's.
Time stands still – and salutes – when he walks by.
He knows when to use 'whom'.
He once gave CPR to a beached whale.
He always puts the toilet lid down.
He never gets lost in thought.
He shaves with a chisel.
He goes hunting with a bow and toothpick.
He swam the English Channel – underwater.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa no longer leans.
He's the first person to surf Niagara Falls.
He carves duck decoys with his teeth.
He plays tennis by himself.
He played solitaire with a deck of 51 – and won
When he knocks over a salt shaker, he tosses a waiter over his shoulder.
He goes bungee jumping without the bungee
He sharpens knives on his chin.
He perpendicular parks.
Anyone driving to his net is sent on a painful detour.
Most players chew their mouth guards. He chews pucks.
He's struck lightning.
He's larger than life. About the same height as death.
The sun doesn't rise until his alarm goes off.
He can stare at the sun and make it blink.
When life hands him a lemon, he puts it in a headlock.
He always wins at rock, scissors, paper with 'Volcano!'
Telemarketers end up buying season tickets.
He knows the words to every Barry Manilow song – and his teammates are impressed.
He once saved a man from choking – but broke seven of his ribs.
No email from him has ever gone unanswered.
He skips with logging chains.
Any pot he watches boils in seconds.
His envelopes lick themselves.
His abs have abs.
He likes to put a twinkle in other people's eyes; or as some would say, make them see stars.
He once dislodged a net, using a centre as a crowbar.
He will take no for an answer when the question is 'Are you going to stand in front of my net?'
He once played a third period with a broken back.
He can slow down climate change as long as it stays close to the boards.
He discovered a 27th letter, between Q and R.
He smokes salmon.
He can light candles by flaring his nostrils.
His blind dates regain their sight.
He can split an infinitive without breaking into a sweat.
From July 8, 2016
His grasp is so fine he's never cracked a joke.
His sweat sells for $100 an ounce.
His hair and fingernails grow to the length he tells them.
A floodlight appears over his head whenever he gets an idea.
The Queen curtsies to him.
His dressing room stall in Montreal has already been named a heritage site.
When he belches, others says 'Excuse me.'
Shea butter reverses the aging process.
He once dipped a toe in a sewage lagoon and turned it into a fishing pond
When he leaves a room, he takes it with him.
He can read the fine print on television car ads
When people ask for his autograph he tattoos it on their arm. And it's legible.
He saved a man's life by ordering him to stop having a heart attack.
When he scores a goal, he lifts an eyebrow.
GM's successor being groomed – and 'grammed
(March 10, 2021)
The Montreal Canadiens already know who their next general manager will be when Marc Bergevin's time is up – and it won't be a man.
Or a woman. It will be an algorithm.
The club's crackerjack scientific research team is putting the finishing touches on a bot that will perform all the duties of a GM without any of the drama.
“Al, as he's known, will evaluate talent, negotiate trades and draw up contracts by sifting through all the statistical data that's out there on individual and team performances, which he'll be able to do in just minutes,” said Serge Pardoo, the project's team leader. “That will leave him with plenty of time to review game videos and come up with ideas for the coaching staff to work on.”
Pardoo said hockey has to keep pace with changes that are taking place elsewhere in the business world, and one trend that's growing rapidly is “robotic process automation.”
According to the New York Times, the software packages being developed “are capable of doing the kinds of cognitive work that once required teams of highly-paid humans.”
Executives love the bots because they streamline operations and cut costs.
Which is another way of saying they eliminate jobs.
Pardoo says that won't happen with the Canadiens. When they part ways with Bergevin – the sooner the better say a good many fans – his position won't be cut, just pointed in a new direction.
“It shouldn't take more than a half-hour for Al to complete his programming and be ready to make his first trade,” Pardoo said.
“A bonus is that no one, realistically, will be able to second-guess any of his decisions because he'll be using 10 times as many stats as fans do to criticize the team, and he'll process the information in a way they never can, being mere humans. They have limited intelligence, as anyone who reads fan forums will tell you, whereas his intelligence is artificial, so the possibilities are limitless. A Stanley Cup in three years isn't out of the question.”
Pardoo said a simulacrum will be created to give Al a human look and voice – in English and in French, of course.
“Other GMs will swear he's one of them when he gives them a call, that's how convincing he sounds. And they won't be able to put one by him because we've implanted all the trades that have ever been made in the NHL in his memory so he can recognize a bad deal when he sees one. That took all of five minutes. It took Bergevin eight years.”
No date has been set for the GM's departure but chances are it will happen after this season.
“Geoff (Molson, the team's co-owner) thought it only fair that Marc be given the chance to finish what he started last year with all the moves he made,” Pardoo said. “Al has already said they won't pan out. His calculations show the team won't make the playoffs – again – but there's still time to turn things around and he's ready to go with the stroke of a key, or as he likes to say, a 'hoc-key'. Bot humour, I admit, is the one area that still needs work, if we're serious about wanting him to charm reporters with his wit.”
All interviews will be virtual because the cost of building a fully functioning life-like automaton is considerably more than what's left in the team's research budget.
Pardoo said Bergevin has agreed to let the Canadians use him as a model for Al's appearance, so long as they use a photo of him when he was 25.
“We said sure but no to his suggestion that it be one of him wearing a tight-fitting sports shirt.”
(March 10, 2021)
The Montreal Canadiens already know who their next general manager will be when Marc Bergevin's time is up – and it won't be a man.
Or a woman. It will be an algorithm.
The club's crackerjack scientific research team is putting the finishing touches on a bot that will perform all the duties of a GM without any of the drama.
“Al, as he's known, will evaluate talent, negotiate trades and draw up contracts by sifting through all the statistical data that's out there on individual and team performances, which he'll be able to do in just minutes,” said Serge Pardoo, the project's team leader. “That will leave him with plenty of time to review game videos and come up with ideas for the coaching staff to work on.”
Pardoo said hockey has to keep pace with changes that are taking place elsewhere in the business world, and one trend that's growing rapidly is “robotic process automation.”
According to the New York Times, the software packages being developed “are capable of doing the kinds of cognitive work that once required teams of highly-paid humans.”
Executives love the bots because they streamline operations and cut costs.
Which is another way of saying they eliminate jobs.
Pardoo says that won't happen with the Canadiens. When they part ways with Bergevin – the sooner the better say a good many fans – his position won't be cut, just pointed in a new direction.
“It shouldn't take more than a half-hour for Al to complete his programming and be ready to make his first trade,” Pardoo said.
“A bonus is that no one, realistically, will be able to second-guess any of his decisions because he'll be using 10 times as many stats as fans do to criticize the team, and he'll process the information in a way they never can, being mere humans. They have limited intelligence, as anyone who reads fan forums will tell you, whereas his intelligence is artificial, so the possibilities are limitless. A Stanley Cup in three years isn't out of the question.”
Pardoo said a simulacrum will be created to give Al a human look and voice – in English and in French, of course.
“Other GMs will swear he's one of them when he gives them a call, that's how convincing he sounds. And they won't be able to put one by him because we've implanted all the trades that have ever been made in the NHL in his memory so he can recognize a bad deal when he sees one. That took all of five minutes. It took Bergevin eight years.”
No date has been set for the GM's departure but chances are it will happen after this season.
“Geoff (Molson, the team's co-owner) thought it only fair that Marc be given the chance to finish what he started last year with all the moves he made,” Pardoo said. “Al has already said they won't pan out. His calculations show the team won't make the playoffs – again – but there's still time to turn things around and he's ready to go with the stroke of a key, or as he likes to say, a 'hoc-key'. Bot humour, I admit, is the one area that still needs work, if we're serious about wanting him to charm reporters with his wit.”
All interviews will be virtual because the cost of building a fully functioning life-like automaton is considerably more than what's left in the team's research budget.
Pardoo said Bergevin has agreed to let the Canadians use him as a model for Al's appearance, so long as they use a photo of him when he was 25.
“We said sure but no to his suggestion that it be one of him wearing a tight-fitting sports shirt.”
The same-old, same-old becomes the new-old
(March 6, 2021)
The National Hockey League gets it: Fans are tired of seeing their favourite teams play the same opponents over and over, sometimes as often as three games in five days.
The pandemic's to blame, of course, as the league was forced to adopt a compressed schedule and separate the 31 teams into four divisions, and not have any play outside each grouping, to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.
That resulted in all seven teams in Canada being lumped together in the North Division and never having to travel south of the border. It also meant they play each other nine times this season.
And you know what familiarity breeds: yawns and early bedtimes.
Canadian fans have had enough of seeing the same faces time and again, although none has expressed disappointment not getting to see Zdeno Chara in action against their heroes.
Recognizing boredom is beginning to set in, the NHL is pulling out all the stops to revive sagging interest in the games.
Here's how: Home teams will get to choose the sweaters visitors are to wear – and they can be of any team outside their division.
For example, when the Montreal Canadiens host the Toronto Maple Leafs they can insist their rivals wear Boston Bruins sweaters, just to spice things up.
Canadien fans will thrill to see their team once again facing an old foe, and they'll take special delight in seeing the other old foe forced to wear the colours of the team that has humiliated the Leafs in the playoffs.
“It's a win-win even if we don't win, which, as you know, is likely,” said one Canadien fan.
Of course, it works both ways. The Ottawa Senators could make the Canadiens suit up as the New Jersey Devils, and have Shea Weber wear PK Subban's name and number.
You see, that's the other twist that's meant to enliven matches. The home team not only chooses who their opponent will be, but also whose sweaters the other team's players must wear.
Imagine Carey Price having to 'be' former teammate Jaroslav Halak, or Phillip Danault donning the apparel of Sydney Crosby.
Think of the psychological pressure they'll be under being someone else and how that will affect their play: Price will be expected to stop shots more than he has (.893 save percentage vs Halak's .913) and Danault will be expected to, you know, score.
And anyone designated to wear Brad Marchand's sweater, say Elias Pettersson, would have to behave like an idiot – which some might find a liberating experience. Or one that crushes the soul.
How would Jamie Benn of the Dallas Stars react to playing as his older brother Jordie, of the Vancouver Canucks? Would he wear a beard extension?
The NHL is counting on the drama of how players handle the team and identity switches to produce compelling TV.
Not to be forgotten is the competitive edge teams could gain by having rivals suit up as lesser foes. The Senators would feel better facing the Leafs if Toronto wore the uniforms of the Detroit Red Wings, a team as bad as Ottawa is, with a .327 winning percentage that's no where near Toronto's .760.
There is a catch: The league has set a limit of four matches that the home team can assign the visitors' sweaters, so as not to totally confuse fans or have them fall in love with the concept.
It also turned down a request by Montreal that home teams themselves be given the option of wearing another team's sweaters, offering as a example the Canadiens suiting up as the Tampa Bay Lightning, which is 9-1-0 at home. The Canadiens are 4-5-1.
Although his idea was shot down, general manager Marc Bergevin received rare praise for his creativity from his harshest critics on the internet. Some even suggested a one-week moratorium on calls for his firing.
(March 6, 2021)
The National Hockey League gets it: Fans are tired of seeing their favourite teams play the same opponents over and over, sometimes as often as three games in five days.
The pandemic's to blame, of course, as the league was forced to adopt a compressed schedule and separate the 31 teams into four divisions, and not have any play outside each grouping, to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.
That resulted in all seven teams in Canada being lumped together in the North Division and never having to travel south of the border. It also meant they play each other nine times this season.
And you know what familiarity breeds: yawns and early bedtimes.
Canadian fans have had enough of seeing the same faces time and again, although none has expressed disappointment not getting to see Zdeno Chara in action against their heroes.
Recognizing boredom is beginning to set in, the NHL is pulling out all the stops to revive sagging interest in the games.
Here's how: Home teams will get to choose the sweaters visitors are to wear – and they can be of any team outside their division.
For example, when the Montreal Canadiens host the Toronto Maple Leafs they can insist their rivals wear Boston Bruins sweaters, just to spice things up.
Canadien fans will thrill to see their team once again facing an old foe, and they'll take special delight in seeing the other old foe forced to wear the colours of the team that has humiliated the Leafs in the playoffs.
“It's a win-win even if we don't win, which, as you know, is likely,” said one Canadien fan.
Of course, it works both ways. The Ottawa Senators could make the Canadiens suit up as the New Jersey Devils, and have Shea Weber wear PK Subban's name and number.
You see, that's the other twist that's meant to enliven matches. The home team not only chooses who their opponent will be, but also whose sweaters the other team's players must wear.
Imagine Carey Price having to 'be' former teammate Jaroslav Halak, or Phillip Danault donning the apparel of Sydney Crosby.
Think of the psychological pressure they'll be under being someone else and how that will affect their play: Price will be expected to stop shots more than he has (.893 save percentage vs Halak's .913) and Danault will be expected to, you know, score.
And anyone designated to wear Brad Marchand's sweater, say Elias Pettersson, would have to behave like an idiot – which some might find a liberating experience. Or one that crushes the soul.
How would Jamie Benn of the Dallas Stars react to playing as his older brother Jordie, of the Vancouver Canucks? Would he wear a beard extension?
The NHL is counting on the drama of how players handle the team and identity switches to produce compelling TV.
Not to be forgotten is the competitive edge teams could gain by having rivals suit up as lesser foes. The Senators would feel better facing the Leafs if Toronto wore the uniforms of the Detroit Red Wings, a team as bad as Ottawa is, with a .327 winning percentage that's no where near Toronto's .760.
There is a catch: The league has set a limit of four matches that the home team can assign the visitors' sweaters, so as not to totally confuse fans or have them fall in love with the concept.
It also turned down a request by Montreal that home teams themselves be given the option of wearing another team's sweaters, offering as a example the Canadiens suiting up as the Tampa Bay Lightning, which is 9-1-0 at home. The Canadiens are 4-5-1.
Although his idea was shot down, general manager Marc Bergevin received rare praise for his creativity from his harshest critics on the internet. Some even suggested a one-week moratorium on calls for his firing.
Mr. Potato Head is steamed
(Feb. 28,. 2021)
Mr. Potato Head has finally broken his silence – he found his voice, it was under the couch – and said he's “extremely upset” rumours are flying about him because of a campaign to broaden his appeal.
The controversy started when Hasbro announced it was removing the mister from his name to make him gender neutral in a society that's trying to become more inclusive.
“Nobody likes a name-dropper,” Mr. Potato Head sniffed.
The public furor that quickly followed, however, prompted the toy manufacturer to tweet a clarification, saying it was only deleting his title from the brand name and logo for marketing purposes, and that the status of Mr and Mrs Potato Head hadn't changed, they are still a couple.
That didn't mollify Mr. Potato Head, who's still seething over Hasbro's decision to try a different approach in how it promotes him and the missus, “without once asking for our opinion.”
“We were blindsided,” he said, although they should have suspected something was up, he added, when they woke up one day without their eyes.
“We thought they were doing a re-design. Potatoes are notorious for having eye issues.”
The whole affair has left Mr. Potato Head questioning his faith.
“Why would my Maker do that to me, when not once in my nearly 70 years have I ever complained, not even about the stupid shoes I have to wear. Gawd, they're ugly.”
He also wonders why Hasbro thought it necessary to make it clear he's gender neutral.
“It's pretty obvious when you see me naked. Which is quite often, because I seldom wear clothes. Just those stupid shoes. And that dumb hat. Okay, maybe I do complain. But I have good reason, right?”
Mr. Potato said he supports making society inclusive, being someone of colour – his mother was a Yukon Gold, his father a Red – “but there are better ways of going about it than stripping me of my honorific. I'm a mister and I'll always be one as long as I have my moustache. Which I had just a minute ago. Did you see where I put it?”
(Feb. 28,. 2021)
Mr. Potato Head has finally broken his silence – he found his voice, it was under the couch – and said he's “extremely upset” rumours are flying about him because of a campaign to broaden his appeal.
The controversy started when Hasbro announced it was removing the mister from his name to make him gender neutral in a society that's trying to become more inclusive.
“Nobody likes a name-dropper,” Mr. Potato Head sniffed.
The public furor that quickly followed, however, prompted the toy manufacturer to tweet a clarification, saying it was only deleting his title from the brand name and logo for marketing purposes, and that the status of Mr and Mrs Potato Head hadn't changed, they are still a couple.
That didn't mollify Mr. Potato Head, who's still seething over Hasbro's decision to try a different approach in how it promotes him and the missus, “without once asking for our opinion.”
“We were blindsided,” he said, although they should have suspected something was up, he added, when they woke up one day without their eyes.
“We thought they were doing a re-design. Potatoes are notorious for having eye issues.”
The whole affair has left Mr. Potato Head questioning his faith.
“Why would my Maker do that to me, when not once in my nearly 70 years have I ever complained, not even about the stupid shoes I have to wear. Gawd, they're ugly.”
He also wonders why Hasbro thought it necessary to make it clear he's gender neutral.
“It's pretty obvious when you see me naked. Which is quite often, because I seldom wear clothes. Just those stupid shoes. And that dumb hat. Okay, maybe I do complain. But I have good reason, right?”
Mr. Potato said he supports making society inclusive, being someone of colour – his mother was a Yukon Gold, his father a Red – “but there are better ways of going about it than stripping me of my honorific. I'm a mister and I'll always be one as long as I have my moustache. Which I had just a minute ago. Did you see where I put it?”
Dunno about Danault but new coach might
(Feb. 25, 2021)
Among the many challenges Dominique Ducharme faces as the new coach of the Montreal Canadiens is how to help Phillip Danault snap out of his 18-game scoreless drought.
He's already set in motion one answer to the problem and that's to “frenchify” the team, said someone familiar with what's happening behind the scenes.
“There are only two players on the team you could honestly say are Canadiens – Danault and (Jonathan) Drouin. Heck, there are more guys from Ontario, seven, than from Quebec. Eight if you include (Victor) Mete, which the team seldom does anymore.”
That obvious imbalance is not good when you're supposed to represent La Belle Province on the world stage and be respectful of its distinct culture, someone said.
The Canadiens certainly are mindful of that fact when hiring general managers and coaches, even when it's to their detriment, but it's barely a consideration anymore when putting together a roster.
“Danault is really feeling isolated right now,” someone said. “Why Drouin isn't is anyone's guess but most likely it's because he's made of sterner stuff. He goes online all the time to see what terrible things they're saying about him, in French and English, because it makes him laugh, and he likes that he's noticed. He's no help to poor Phillip.”
Without the emotional support that only a fellow Québécois can provide, “Danault is foundering,” someone said.
Ducharme has recognized the problem and is taking steps to eliminate the anguish his struggling center is experiencing.
The first thing he did was to ask his players to “francocize” their names so Danault would feel "he's among his own kind," someone said.
Their names on the sweaters won't change for games but they will for practices and pregame warmups. That's when you'll see names like Weberette, Byronesque, Romanoveau, Prix, Gallaguerre, and Perryer, someone said.
Players have also been ordered to learn enough French to communicate with Danault on ice in his native tongue so he can react more quickly to their “suggestions” like shoot, pass, skate, watch out, get off the ice, and, next time don't aim for his chest.
There's one other ploy Ducharme will try in hopes it will help his center notch his first goal of the season. Beginning tonight in Winnipeg when the Canadiens play the Jets, the coach plans to double-shift Danault, “anything to get him off the schneid,” someone said. “The third line isn't happy but sacrifices have to be made.”
Which, he added, is next on the list – “real ones, in fact, if the other stuff doesn't work.”
(Feb. 25, 2021)
Among the many challenges Dominique Ducharme faces as the new coach of the Montreal Canadiens is how to help Phillip Danault snap out of his 18-game scoreless drought.
He's already set in motion one answer to the problem and that's to “frenchify” the team, said someone familiar with what's happening behind the scenes.
“There are only two players on the team you could honestly say are Canadiens – Danault and (Jonathan) Drouin. Heck, there are more guys from Ontario, seven, than from Quebec. Eight if you include (Victor) Mete, which the team seldom does anymore.”
That obvious imbalance is not good when you're supposed to represent La Belle Province on the world stage and be respectful of its distinct culture, someone said.
The Canadiens certainly are mindful of that fact when hiring general managers and coaches, even when it's to their detriment, but it's barely a consideration anymore when putting together a roster.
“Danault is really feeling isolated right now,” someone said. “Why Drouin isn't is anyone's guess but most likely it's because he's made of sterner stuff. He goes online all the time to see what terrible things they're saying about him, in French and English, because it makes him laugh, and he likes that he's noticed. He's no help to poor Phillip.”
Without the emotional support that only a fellow Québécois can provide, “Danault is foundering,” someone said.
Ducharme has recognized the problem and is taking steps to eliminate the anguish his struggling center is experiencing.
The first thing he did was to ask his players to “francocize” their names so Danault would feel "he's among his own kind," someone said.
Their names on the sweaters won't change for games but they will for practices and pregame warmups. That's when you'll see names like Weberette, Byronesque, Romanoveau, Prix, Gallaguerre, and Perryer, someone said.
Players have also been ordered to learn enough French to communicate with Danault on ice in his native tongue so he can react more quickly to their “suggestions” like shoot, pass, skate, watch out, get off the ice, and, next time don't aim for his chest.
There's one other ploy Ducharme will try in hopes it will help his center notch his first goal of the season. Beginning tonight in Winnipeg when the Canadiens play the Jets, the coach plans to double-shift Danault, “anything to get him off the schneid,” someone said. “The third line isn't happy but sacrifices have to be made.”
Which, he added, is next on the list – “real ones, in fact, if the other stuff doesn't work.”
GM to take hands-on approach
(Feb. 23, 2021)
Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin will be behind the bench tonight when his team plays the Ottawa Senators.
He won't be coaching, he'll be there to coax.
And if that doesn't work he's prepared to castigate, said a chatty team non-spokesperson.
But his preference is to cajole a strong performance out of his players with encouraging words, a pat on the back, “his mere presence,” said the non-spokesperson who didn't object to being referred to as CHatty in the article. (“I kinda like it,” zie said, “although Nonny would have been fine, too.)
The Canadiens are in need of encouragement, having faltered in recent games after getting off to a fast start that saw them competing for first place with the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Morale sank to its lowest point when Montreal lost to the National Hockey League cellar-dwelling Senators on Sunday, for the second time in three games.
“Bergevin has given up on (coach Claude) Julien doing anything to spark the team,” Chatty said. “Benching players, moving them around on lines, wearing retro uniforms. It's not working.”
The GM's convinced a personal touch, an actual laying of the hand on a player's shoulder, will produce “a tingle” that will translate into a goal “or a great play,” zie said.
“This might sound strange if you've never been around Bergevin but he has an animal magnetism that causes others to fall under his spell. And he can turn it on at will – especially during contract negotiations. His own. (Team co-owner Geoff) Molson is putty in his hands.”
Bergevin's magnetism will be put to the test by Phillip Danault. He hasn't scored this season despite playing in all 17 games.
“He might have to resort to a headlock if Danault hasn't scored by the end of the second period,” Chatty said. “Which won't be easy considering where Danault's head's at right now.”
It's not out of the question that Bergevin will resort to pranks to ease tension on the bench should the team find itself trailing – or are worried about the GM having their back.
“Don't be surprised if you see him put his hands over a player's visor and say 'Guess who ... won't be with the team much longer?'”
Or place a string of lit firecrackers inside the back of a forward's sweater just before the player leaps over the boards for his shift, CHatty said.
“At least it will bring back memories of when the team had an explosive offence,” zie said.
(Feb. 23, 2021)
Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin will be behind the bench tonight when his team plays the Ottawa Senators.
He won't be coaching, he'll be there to coax.
And if that doesn't work he's prepared to castigate, said a chatty team non-spokesperson.
But his preference is to cajole a strong performance out of his players with encouraging words, a pat on the back, “his mere presence,” said the non-spokesperson who didn't object to being referred to as CHatty in the article. (“I kinda like it,” zie said, “although Nonny would have been fine, too.)
The Canadiens are in need of encouragement, having faltered in recent games after getting off to a fast start that saw them competing for first place with the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Morale sank to its lowest point when Montreal lost to the National Hockey League cellar-dwelling Senators on Sunday, for the second time in three games.
“Bergevin has given up on (coach Claude) Julien doing anything to spark the team,” Chatty said. “Benching players, moving them around on lines, wearing retro uniforms. It's not working.”
The GM's convinced a personal touch, an actual laying of the hand on a player's shoulder, will produce “a tingle” that will translate into a goal “or a great play,” zie said.
“This might sound strange if you've never been around Bergevin but he has an animal magnetism that causes others to fall under his spell. And he can turn it on at will – especially during contract negotiations. His own. (Team co-owner Geoff) Molson is putty in his hands.”
Bergevin's magnetism will be put to the test by Phillip Danault. He hasn't scored this season despite playing in all 17 games.
“He might have to resort to a headlock if Danault hasn't scored by the end of the second period,” Chatty said. “Which won't be easy considering where Danault's head's at right now.”
It's not out of the question that Bergevin will resort to pranks to ease tension on the bench should the team find itself trailing – or are worried about the GM having their back.
“Don't be surprised if you see him put his hands over a player's visor and say 'Guess who ... won't be with the team much longer?'”
Or place a string of lit firecrackers inside the back of a forward's sweater just before the player leaps over the boards for his shift, CHatty said.
“At least it will bring back memories of when the team had an explosive offence,” zie said.
If at first you don't succeed to the throne
(Feb. 9 2021)
With no immediate prospect of advancement in Britain, Prince Charles has applied to become governor general of Canada.
Sources close to the 72-year-old heir apparent to the British throne say he has grown “tired” of waiting for his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, “to pass on ... the Crown Jewels” and he wants to strike out on his own.
The Queen, who's 94, ascended the throne in 1952, making her reign the longest of any monarch in British history.
To many she seems determined to celebrate another Diamond Jubilee. The first one was for 60 years on the throne; the second one will be for 75 years, in 2027.
Chuck, as he's popularly known, has confided to friends he has all but given up ever taking his mother's place.
The man who would be king has accepted his fate and is now casting around for a career befitting someone of his stature.
And being governor-general of Canada sounds like a pretty good gig, sources say.
“The people there seem like decent folk,” the Prince of Wales has told more than one confidante, regaling them with reminiscences of the 17 official tours he's made of the former colony.
The position of governor general became vacant when its previous occupant, Julie Payette, stepped down after current and former employees accused her of creating a "toxic" workplace environment.
“Sounds like the colony could use some royal jolly,” Prince Charles is said to have quipped.
A governor general's duties are to exercise “the powers and responsibilities of the head of state, Her Majesty The Queen.”
“I've been preparing for that role for decades,” an enthusiastic Prince Charles has told his spouse, Camilla, The Duchess of Cornwall. “Here's a chance for me to stop being the understudy.”
The scepterless septuagenarian is confident he'll get the role.
“Family connections very well could play a part in his getting hired,” one observer said.
(Feb. 9 2021)
With no immediate prospect of advancement in Britain, Prince Charles has applied to become governor general of Canada.
Sources close to the 72-year-old heir apparent to the British throne say he has grown “tired” of waiting for his mother, Queen Elizabeth II, “to pass on ... the Crown Jewels” and he wants to strike out on his own.
The Queen, who's 94, ascended the throne in 1952, making her reign the longest of any monarch in British history.
To many she seems determined to celebrate another Diamond Jubilee. The first one was for 60 years on the throne; the second one will be for 75 years, in 2027.
Chuck, as he's popularly known, has confided to friends he has all but given up ever taking his mother's place.
The man who would be king has accepted his fate and is now casting around for a career befitting someone of his stature.
And being governor-general of Canada sounds like a pretty good gig, sources say.
“The people there seem like decent folk,” the Prince of Wales has told more than one confidante, regaling them with reminiscences of the 17 official tours he's made of the former colony.
The position of governor general became vacant when its previous occupant, Julie Payette, stepped down after current and former employees accused her of creating a "toxic" workplace environment.
“Sounds like the colony could use some royal jolly,” Prince Charles is said to have quipped.
A governor general's duties are to exercise “the powers and responsibilities of the head of state, Her Majesty The Queen.”
“I've been preparing for that role for decades,” an enthusiastic Prince Charles has told his spouse, Camilla, The Duchess of Cornwall. “Here's a chance for me to stop being the understudy.”
The scepterless septuagenarian is confident he'll get the role.
“Family connections very well could play a part in his getting hired,” one observer said.
All is not golden down on the pond
(Feb. 9, 2021)
The Pooterville Pond Hockey League is in danger of folding.
“We're on thin ice,” said league president Ed Rumpsten, as he motioned to follow him to the other end of the pond where it was safer.
A brisk wind blew across the open field, ruffling the sheets of snow, and the few strands of hair that valiantly clung to Rumpsten's head. They were rewarded for their perseverance with a touque he pulled from a coat pocket. Mine. I didn't object. I was here for an exclusive: Why is the five family league, a beloved community institution that had been around for generations, at risk of having its season abruptly come to an end, long before the ice begins to soften?
“Unequal division of labour,” Rumpsten spat, coughed, and spat some more. “Some of the lads aren't pulling their weight clearing the ice. They show up for games just as the other guys have finished shovelling. It's causing a lot of resentment. A bunch of the fellas are talking about calling it quits. And that would be the end of it. No more Bob's Milk Can for the championship team. ”
But that's not the only thing roiling the league, Rumpsten said, without spitting.
“We have a rule against lifters. But there's a few in every crowd who have no respect for others, and will let fly with shots that are off the ice. That's not what shinny's all about, hitting shinbones with the puck. Well, maybe it was when hockey got started, but that was a century ago. We're just here to have fun on Sunday afternoons. And entertain the kinfolk.”
Rumpsten said the league has set in motion its three-stage dispute resolution process: mediation, arbitration (non-binding) and capitulation (which does involve binding).
The first phase ended when a meeting of the minds dissolved into an encounter of the fists.
An arbitration session has been scheduled for tomorrow night and Rumpsten is hopeful an agreement will be reached in time for play to resume this Sunday.
“If not, that's it. We won't be going to capitulation. It's only reached that level once before, back in the '60s. No one liked the outcome. The league went from six families to five, and the Peterkins had to move. They still talk about it at card parties.”
(Feb. 9, 2021)
The Pooterville Pond Hockey League is in danger of folding.
“We're on thin ice,” said league president Ed Rumpsten, as he motioned to follow him to the other end of the pond where it was safer.
A brisk wind blew across the open field, ruffling the sheets of snow, and the few strands of hair that valiantly clung to Rumpsten's head. They were rewarded for their perseverance with a touque he pulled from a coat pocket. Mine. I didn't object. I was here for an exclusive: Why is the five family league, a beloved community institution that had been around for generations, at risk of having its season abruptly come to an end, long before the ice begins to soften?
“Unequal division of labour,” Rumpsten spat, coughed, and spat some more. “Some of the lads aren't pulling their weight clearing the ice. They show up for games just as the other guys have finished shovelling. It's causing a lot of resentment. A bunch of the fellas are talking about calling it quits. And that would be the end of it. No more Bob's Milk Can for the championship team. ”
But that's not the only thing roiling the league, Rumpsten said, without spitting.
“We have a rule against lifters. But there's a few in every crowd who have no respect for others, and will let fly with shots that are off the ice. That's not what shinny's all about, hitting shinbones with the puck. Well, maybe it was when hockey got started, but that was a century ago. We're just here to have fun on Sunday afternoons. And entertain the kinfolk.”
Rumpsten said the league has set in motion its three-stage dispute resolution process: mediation, arbitration (non-binding) and capitulation (which does involve binding).
The first phase ended when a meeting of the minds dissolved into an encounter of the fists.
An arbitration session has been scheduled for tomorrow night and Rumpsten is hopeful an agreement will be reached in time for play to resume this Sunday.
“If not, that's it. We won't be going to capitulation. It's only reached that level once before, back in the '60s. No one liked the outcome. The league went from six families to five, and the Peterkins had to move. They still talk about it at card parties.”
Hoping for a much better 2021
(Dec. 31, 2020)
Of all the -isms -- communism, fascism, despotism, terrorism, fanaticism, etc -- the best of the lot is optimism.
Never feel down on your luck
You can get by with some pluck
If hope's all you got
You still got a shot
To bounce back – unlike a lame duck
Irrepressible vs irresponsible
(Dec. 31, 2020)
What happens when an irrepressible force (Biden) meets an immovable object (McConnell)?
Pray that it never takes place and the Democrats are able to take control of the Senate in next week's election.
Anything less and Biden's indomitable spirit will be put to the test time and time again by McConnell's implacability and the Republicans' refusal to place the country's interests ahead of their own.
Biden has acknowledged and joked about being a gaffe machine.
Trump will never admit to having operated a lifelong graft machine.
That right there tells you how much unlike the two men are.
And with Biden about to become president, hallelujah for the difference.
Decency in, indecency out.
Farewell, Mary Ann
(Dec. 31, 2020)
On learning Dawn Wells, who portrayed Mary Ann in Gilligan's Island, has passed away:
Any show from one's childhood that still makes you smile, however improbable its premise and nonsensical its storylines, is alright by me.
The cast, more than anything, is what drew viewers to Gilligan's Island. They were perfect for their roles and made the most of the scripts they were given.
The show followed a formula but it was the cast chemistry that made it popular.
Sure, the humor was low-brow but being a kid my forehead wasn't that big anyways, so the laughs came easily. Now with a bigger forehead – thank you, receding hairline; I no longer part my hair, it's parting on its own, and the sorrow it occasions is anything but sweet – the laughs have turned to chuckles and grins.
But Mary Ann, she never lost her appeal in reruns. Pretty as ever, and still as wholesome, someone who brings joy to those around her. The kind of person you look forward to seeing each day.
Even though her passing leaves us sad, learning Dawn Wells was much the same person in real life as her character has given me one more reason to smile in remembrance of her.
(Dec. 31, 2020)
Of all the -isms -- communism, fascism, despotism, terrorism, fanaticism, etc -- the best of the lot is optimism.
Never feel down on your luck
You can get by with some pluck
If hope's all you got
You still got a shot
To bounce back – unlike a lame duck
Irrepressible vs irresponsible
(Dec. 31, 2020)
What happens when an irrepressible force (Biden) meets an immovable object (McConnell)?
Pray that it never takes place and the Democrats are able to take control of the Senate in next week's election.
Anything less and Biden's indomitable spirit will be put to the test time and time again by McConnell's implacability and the Republicans' refusal to place the country's interests ahead of their own.
Biden has acknowledged and joked about being a gaffe machine.
Trump will never admit to having operated a lifelong graft machine.
That right there tells you how much unlike the two men are.
And with Biden about to become president, hallelujah for the difference.
Decency in, indecency out.
Farewell, Mary Ann
(Dec. 31, 2020)
On learning Dawn Wells, who portrayed Mary Ann in Gilligan's Island, has passed away:
Any show from one's childhood that still makes you smile, however improbable its premise and nonsensical its storylines, is alright by me.
The cast, more than anything, is what drew viewers to Gilligan's Island. They were perfect for their roles and made the most of the scripts they were given.
The show followed a formula but it was the cast chemistry that made it popular.
Sure, the humor was low-brow but being a kid my forehead wasn't that big anyways, so the laughs came easily. Now with a bigger forehead – thank you, receding hairline; I no longer part my hair, it's parting on its own, and the sorrow it occasions is anything but sweet – the laughs have turned to chuckles and grins.
But Mary Ann, she never lost her appeal in reruns. Pretty as ever, and still as wholesome, someone who brings joy to those around her. The kind of person you look forward to seeing each day.
Even though her passing leaves us sad, learning Dawn Wells was much the same person in real life as her character has given me one more reason to smile in remembrance of her.
'Twasn't the night before Christmas
(Dec. 23, 2020)
For several years I've written a comic piece for the season, sometimes in verse, sometimes in prose, with Santa being the central figure every time.
But not this year, as you will find below, My apologies to anyone offended by the poem written for our American friends -- and my commiseration for anyone offended by, well, I won't give it away.
'Twasn't the night before Christmas, it was two days before
(This poem wasn't penned by Clement Clarke Moore)
The stockings had been hung by the chimney with care
In hopes soon enough they'd hold more than air
The children were all nestled, three to a bed
The tummies were rumbling, they hadn't been fed
No food in the kitchen, no food in the house
The last thing they'd eaten was an unfortunate mouse
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
A protest, I feared, could it be Black Lives Matter?
I sprang to the window and peered down below
No crowd stood there chanting on the new-fallen snow
No, a man in a red suit in a sleigh painted same
Was yelling at reindeer, each one by its name:
Pence and Pompeo, Mnuchin and Barr,
Meadows and DeVos, Ratcliffe, Azar
The sound of his voice, the hue of his skin
The size of his mitts – I knew who was making the din!
It had to be Trump, who else could it be?
His being here was sheer lunacy!
But, wait, had he a cheque to provide some relief
An act of true kindness in a season of grief?
Was he here to give comfort, to acknowledge our pain
And shame all his critics who thought him heartless, insane?
My heart full of joy, his attention I sought:
“St. Donald, glad tidings! What gifts have you brought?”
He cut short his tirade and looked up at me
Squinted his eyes and said without glee:
“No gifts have I with me, I've come to collect
Much money is needed to insurrect
To hold onto power I need your support
And votes in my favour at the Supreme Court.”
“The election was rigged, it's clear that I won
But Joe stole what is mine, with the help of his son
Don't ask how he did it but trust me it's true
I'm not the kind of person who'd lie to you.”
He held up his bag and opened it wide
And with one tiny mitt he pointed inside
There were bundles and bundles and bundles of cash
“More than two hundred million,” he said, and a smile he flashed
My heart shrank two sizes, wrapped in despair
The struggles of citizens he had not a care
He gave not a whit for others whose plight
Was much less than his for being rich, 'smart' and white
He tapped his foot quickly and implored with his eye
To make a donation so off he could fly
The reindeer grew restless – “Let's be on our way.
The sooner we're home, more games can we play.”
I heaved a huge sigh as I stepped down the stairs
St. Donald's arrival had not answered our prayers
Faced with eviction, no food for our plates
We can thank the pandemic for our dire straits.
I stepped out the door and went where he stood
And smacked him on the head with a huge chunk of wood
I emptied his bag and dumped him inside
And to ease his fears upon waking I left it untied
I stepped back from the sleigh, arms laden with dough
Our worries were over, as were for others I know
To the reindeer I shouted as they flew out of sight:
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
Who's up for martial law?
(Dec. 23, 2020)
Which of Trump's lackeys will be given the task of organizing Proud Boys to set fire to the White House -- is there a Left Wing? -- and making it appear to be the handiwork of antifa?
Faced with the prospect of worse things to come, Trump would be forced to declare martial law in response to the provocation.
It would be folly, of course, in a situation as fraught as this, to continue with the transition when even the slightest interruption in the wielding of authority could open the door to far greater threats to the republic being carried out.
A captain cannot risk having the ship of state founder on a reef by taking his hand off the wheel however briefly, not when a storm is raging (that would be Democrats crying foul, instead of thanking their lucky stars a strong leader is at the helm to guide Americans through uncharted waters).
Biden would have to bide his time until a safe harbor was reached so a transfer of power could safely be made.
Now there might be something in the Constitution to preclude Trump from seizing the opportunity to extend his time in office --by weeks, months, even years, there is no timetable with insurrections -- but this would be a matter for the Supreme Court to decide, as soon as it could be fitted into the docket.
(Dec. 23, 2020)
For several years I've written a comic piece for the season, sometimes in verse, sometimes in prose, with Santa being the central figure every time.
But not this year, as you will find below, My apologies to anyone offended by the poem written for our American friends -- and my commiseration for anyone offended by, well, I won't give it away.
'Twasn't the night before Christmas, it was two days before
(This poem wasn't penned by Clement Clarke Moore)
The stockings had been hung by the chimney with care
In hopes soon enough they'd hold more than air
The children were all nestled, three to a bed
The tummies were rumbling, they hadn't been fed
No food in the kitchen, no food in the house
The last thing they'd eaten was an unfortunate mouse
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
A protest, I feared, could it be Black Lives Matter?
I sprang to the window and peered down below
No crowd stood there chanting on the new-fallen snow
No, a man in a red suit in a sleigh painted same
Was yelling at reindeer, each one by its name:
Pence and Pompeo, Mnuchin and Barr,
Meadows and DeVos, Ratcliffe, Azar
The sound of his voice, the hue of his skin
The size of his mitts – I knew who was making the din!
It had to be Trump, who else could it be?
His being here was sheer lunacy!
But, wait, had he a cheque to provide some relief
An act of true kindness in a season of grief?
Was he here to give comfort, to acknowledge our pain
And shame all his critics who thought him heartless, insane?
My heart full of joy, his attention I sought:
“St. Donald, glad tidings! What gifts have you brought?”
He cut short his tirade and looked up at me
Squinted his eyes and said without glee:
“No gifts have I with me, I've come to collect
Much money is needed to insurrect
To hold onto power I need your support
And votes in my favour at the Supreme Court.”
“The election was rigged, it's clear that I won
But Joe stole what is mine, with the help of his son
Don't ask how he did it but trust me it's true
I'm not the kind of person who'd lie to you.”
He held up his bag and opened it wide
And with one tiny mitt he pointed inside
There were bundles and bundles and bundles of cash
“More than two hundred million,” he said, and a smile he flashed
My heart shrank two sizes, wrapped in despair
The struggles of citizens he had not a care
He gave not a whit for others whose plight
Was much less than his for being rich, 'smart' and white
He tapped his foot quickly and implored with his eye
To make a donation so off he could fly
The reindeer grew restless – “Let's be on our way.
The sooner we're home, more games can we play.”
I heaved a huge sigh as I stepped down the stairs
St. Donald's arrival had not answered our prayers
Faced with eviction, no food for our plates
We can thank the pandemic for our dire straits.
I stepped out the door and went where he stood
And smacked him on the head with a huge chunk of wood
I emptied his bag and dumped him inside
And to ease his fears upon waking I left it untied
I stepped back from the sleigh, arms laden with dough
Our worries were over, as were for others I know
To the reindeer I shouted as they flew out of sight:
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
Who's up for martial law?
(Dec. 23, 2020)
Which of Trump's lackeys will be given the task of organizing Proud Boys to set fire to the White House -- is there a Left Wing? -- and making it appear to be the handiwork of antifa?
Faced with the prospect of worse things to come, Trump would be forced to declare martial law in response to the provocation.
It would be folly, of course, in a situation as fraught as this, to continue with the transition when even the slightest interruption in the wielding of authority could open the door to far greater threats to the republic being carried out.
A captain cannot risk having the ship of state founder on a reef by taking his hand off the wheel however briefly, not when a storm is raging (that would be Democrats crying foul, instead of thanking their lucky stars a strong leader is at the helm to guide Americans through uncharted waters).
Biden would have to bide his time until a safe harbor was reached so a transfer of power could safely be made.
Now there might be something in the Constitution to preclude Trump from seizing the opportunity to extend his time in office --by weeks, months, even years, there is no timetable with insurrections -- but this would be a matter for the Supreme Court to decide, as soon as it could be fitted into the docket.
Just leave
(Dec. 2 2020)
Trump's exit can't happen soon enough. He's like the bully who, when told to leave the gift shop (he thought it was a grift shop), smashes everything in sight on his way out the door.
The contrast between him and Biden couldn't be more striking:
Here are but a few of the many differences that distinguish the president-elect from the president-reject:
Biden inspires.
Trump incites.
Biden has a vision.
Trump has delusions.
Biden is empathetic.
Trump is pathetic.
Biden is a Democrat.
Trump is a Demagogue.
Biden has a moral compass.
Trump's is missing its needle.
Or is still in its box, unopened..
(Dec. 2 2020)
Trump's exit can't happen soon enough. He's like the bully who, when told to leave the gift shop (he thought it was a grift shop), smashes everything in sight on his way out the door.
The contrast between him and Biden couldn't be more striking:
Here are but a few of the many differences that distinguish the president-elect from the president-reject:
Biden inspires.
Trump incites.
Biden has a vision.
Trump has delusions.
Biden is empathetic.
Trump is pathetic.
Biden is a Democrat.
Trump is a Demagogue.
Biden has a moral compass.
Trump's is missing its needle.
Or is still in its box, unopened..
It was a good try, America
(Nov. 1, 2020)
Hey, it happens, not all experiments work out.
What's important is that no one gets hurt in the explosion.
All things Guiliani
(Nov. 1, 2020)
Giuliani is Italian for "nincompoop" -- a ninny who communicates crap
Giuliani was an understandable choice of the Russians to act as a conduit for anti-Biden disinformation. His business card reads: "Need help with a con? I can do it."
He's the Energizer bunny whose favorite place is a rabbit hole.
The only difference between the two: one beats a drum, the other a dead horse.
Giuliani has been divorced three times. Four, if you count reality.
(Nov. 1, 2020)
Hey, it happens, not all experiments work out.
What's important is that no one gets hurt in the explosion.
All things Guiliani
(Nov. 1, 2020)
Giuliani is Italian for "nincompoop" -- a ninny who communicates crap
Giuliani was an understandable choice of the Russians to act as a conduit for anti-Biden disinformation. His business card reads: "Need help with a con? I can do it."
He's the Energizer bunny whose favorite place is a rabbit hole.
The only difference between the two: one beats a drum, the other a dead horse.
Giuliani has been divorced three times. Four, if you count reality.
Dear American friends
(Nov. 1, 2020)
Who's to blame for all your hard knocks?
Who else but the fine folks at Fox
It's Trump all the way
What can we say
Their man's even worse than the pox
But salvation is now close at hand
To be rid of a horrible man
If the vote turns out right
By dawn's early light
You'll have lengthened democracy's lifespan
(Nov. 1, 2020)
Who's to blame for all your hard knocks?
Who else but the fine folks at Fox
It's Trump all the way
What can we say
Their man's even worse than the pox
But salvation is now close at hand
To be rid of a horrible man
If the vote turns out right
By dawn's early light
You'll have lengthened democracy's lifespan
Commotion in poetry
(Oct. 28, 2020)
How sad, Trump leads a nation he broke
Just because he was seen as a joke
They voted him in
And could do it again
Shouldn't they by now be all woke?
An election is no laughing matter
A bad choice and democracy could shatter
But they listened to Fox
Put an X in Trump's box
A man who is as mad as a hatter
What a prank on America was played
Even Trump and his family were dismayed
How could he have won
“You mean I'm the one?”
Well, those who don't like me, be afraid!”
That was quite a turn voters made
(Oct. 28, 2020)
From Black man to blackguard -- that was quite a turn American voters took four years ago in deciding who should lead them.
Who will they choose this time around, the blackguard once again or the fellow with scruples?
That there's even a debate over who could win says volumes about where United States finds itself and the crossroads it faces.
Oh, what a contrast!
(Oct. 28, 2020)
Trump is to Obama what:
-- coal is to diamond
-- hot dog is to steak
-- QAnon is to IQ
-- knave is to knight
-- sarcasm is to humor
-- bone spur is to backbone
-- wiseguy is to wise fellow
-- playd'oh! is to marble
-- scissors is to rock
And don't look at the emails, okay?
(Oct. 27, 2020)
What exactly were the instructions that Hunter Biden gave to the computer repair guy?
"I saw by your ad that you give out-of-towners a discount on upgrading the security on more than one laptop. I have some really important emails on them that could implicate my dad -- who's running for president by the way -- in a scandal so I need to install the best software you have on sale so no one will ever find out about them.
I'm in and out of the country a lot so if I forget to pick the laptops up, well, you know where to reach me, right? Good man. Well, see ya later.
Uh, how do I get back on the interstate?"
(Oct. 28, 2020)
How sad, Trump leads a nation he broke
Just because he was seen as a joke
They voted him in
And could do it again
Shouldn't they by now be all woke?
An election is no laughing matter
A bad choice and democracy could shatter
But they listened to Fox
Put an X in Trump's box
A man who is as mad as a hatter
What a prank on America was played
Even Trump and his family were dismayed
How could he have won
“You mean I'm the one?”
Well, those who don't like me, be afraid!”
That was quite a turn voters made
(Oct. 28, 2020)
From Black man to blackguard -- that was quite a turn American voters took four years ago in deciding who should lead them.
Who will they choose this time around, the blackguard once again or the fellow with scruples?
That there's even a debate over who could win says volumes about where United States finds itself and the crossroads it faces.
Oh, what a contrast!
(Oct. 28, 2020)
Trump is to Obama what:
-- coal is to diamond
-- hot dog is to steak
-- QAnon is to IQ
-- knave is to knight
-- sarcasm is to humor
-- bone spur is to backbone
-- wiseguy is to wise fellow
-- playd'oh! is to marble
-- scissors is to rock
And don't look at the emails, okay?
(Oct. 27, 2020)
What exactly were the instructions that Hunter Biden gave to the computer repair guy?
"I saw by your ad that you give out-of-towners a discount on upgrading the security on more than one laptop. I have some really important emails on them that could implicate my dad -- who's running for president by the way -- in a scandal so I need to install the best software you have on sale so no one will ever find out about them.
I'm in and out of the country a lot so if I forget to pick the laptops up, well, you know where to reach me, right? Good man. Well, see ya later.
Uh, how do I get back on the interstate?"
Four seasons enough, time to cancel
(Oct. 26, 2020)
What's the difference between the two candidates?
Biden wants to heal America.
Trump wants America to heel.
The Apprentice, with Trump as host, ran for 14 seasons.
The Devil's Apprentice, with Trump as president, has run for 4 years.
Trump was removed from the first show because he was running for president. His second show should be canceled because of how the president has been running the country.
If Biden were to handily win the presidency it would be a landslide for his party.
A Trump victory would be a backslide for the nation.
A case of deja ew! all over again.
Democrats are right to be wary of thinking a Biden win is assured. You should never count your chickens until the Fox favorite has been kicked out of the henhouse.
(Oct. 26, 2020)
What's the difference between the two candidates?
Biden wants to heal America.
Trump wants America to heel.
The Apprentice, with Trump as host, ran for 14 seasons.
The Devil's Apprentice, with Trump as president, has run for 4 years.
Trump was removed from the first show because he was running for president. His second show should be canceled because of how the president has been running the country.
If Biden were to handily win the presidency it would be a landslide for his party.
A Trump victory would be a backslide for the nation.
A case of deja ew! all over again.
Democrats are right to be wary of thinking a Biden win is assured. You should never count your chickens until the Fox favorite has been kicked out of the henhouse.
Heroes wear masks
(Oct. 6, 2020)
Heroes wear masks.
Batman wears a mask
Robin wears a mask
Green Lantern wears a mask
Captain America wears a mask
The Lone Ranger wears a mask
Zorro wears a mask
Superman doesn't wear a mask -- but he's from another planet.
Trump is no Superman but I'm beginning to think he's also not of this earth, given his non-affinity to humanity.
The two do have one thing in common, though - an Achilles' heel that renders them useless when exposed.
For Superman it's kryptonite.
With Trump it's anyone who's erudite.
(Oct. 6, 2020)
Heroes wear masks.
Batman wears a mask
Robin wears a mask
Green Lantern wears a mask
Captain America wears a mask
The Lone Ranger wears a mask
Zorro wears a mask
Superman doesn't wear a mask -- but he's from another planet.
Trump is no Superman but I'm beginning to think he's also not of this earth, given his non-affinity to humanity.
The two do have one thing in common, though - an Achilles' heel that renders them useless when exposed.
For Superman it's kryptonite.
With Trump it's anyone who's erudite.
NEWS FLASH: Trump tests positive for COVID-19!
(Oct. 2, 2020)
Trump we now know has an infection
Or is it, some say, a misdirection?
An effort to sway
Undecideds his way:
A sympathy vote that wins him election
He's just another faceless statistic now among the millions of Americans who have been infected.
Officially he'll go into the books as Individual-7,301,027. Or something like that
Reading comments from Times readers wishing Trump a full recovery has, for some reason, brought back memories of a song from my youth, The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil."
My thoughts and prayers are with Trump finding out what it's like to have symptoms of COVID-19, surviving the experience, and then having his scorn of science and the counsel of experts disappear like a miracle (which it surely will require).
(Oct. 2, 2020)
Trump we now know has an infection
Or is it, some say, a misdirection?
An effort to sway
Undecideds his way:
A sympathy vote that wins him election
He's just another faceless statistic now among the millions of Americans who have been infected.
Officially he'll go into the books as Individual-7,301,027. Or something like that
Reading comments from Times readers wishing Trump a full recovery has, for some reason, brought back memories of a song from my youth, The Rolling Stones' "Sympathy for the Devil."
My thoughts and prayers are with Trump finding out what it's like to have symptoms of COVID-19, surviving the experience, and then having his scorn of science and the counsel of experts disappear like a miracle (which it surely will require).
Lines Biden could use in tonight's debate
(Sept. 29, 2020)
"Donald, I have staff waiting in the wings with fire extinguishers which they will use when your pants catch on fire. You're welcome."
"Donald, I am here to debate a liar but I will not debate his lies. Stick with the facts, which I will now introduce as I know you have never made their acquaintance."
"Donald, believe it or not, we have one thing in common. I'm in my 70s, and so's your IQ."
[Biden picks up and examines a small scrap of paper he had surreptitiously dropped when he took his position behind the podium]: "Hey, Donald, I just found your health plan! [turns it over] "And the one on on infrastructure, too."
"Donald, it would be ungracious -- and unnecessary -- of me to remind voters how many women have accused you of sexual assault. That's why we have Google."
"Donald, your bromance with Putin is bad enough but ditching Lady Liberty was inexcusable!"
"Donald, I'll take [waggles fingers] losers and suckers [stops waggling] over cowards any day of the week!"
"Donald, being in debt for more than $400 million is astounding but that's nothing compared to the 200,000-plus people who owe their deaths to you."
"Donald, a billionaire who pays little to no taxes? How's that make America great? But, hey, if you say it works, have the Senate pass a law that says no one pays taxes -- and see how long we keep up with China."
"Donald, your face doesn't belong on Mount Rushmore, it belongs on an unwanted poster in the post office."
(Sept. 29, 2020)
"Donald, I have staff waiting in the wings with fire extinguishers which they will use when your pants catch on fire. You're welcome."
"Donald, I am here to debate a liar but I will not debate his lies. Stick with the facts, which I will now introduce as I know you have never made their acquaintance."
"Donald, believe it or not, we have one thing in common. I'm in my 70s, and so's your IQ."
[Biden picks up and examines a small scrap of paper he had surreptitiously dropped when he took his position behind the podium]: "Hey, Donald, I just found your health plan! [turns it over] "And the one on on infrastructure, too."
"Donald, it would be ungracious -- and unnecessary -- of me to remind voters how many women have accused you of sexual assault. That's why we have Google."
"Donald, your bromance with Putin is bad enough but ditching Lady Liberty was inexcusable!"
"Donald, I'll take [waggles fingers] losers and suckers [stops waggling] over cowards any day of the week!"
"Donald, being in debt for more than $400 million is astounding but that's nothing compared to the 200,000-plus people who owe their deaths to you."
"Donald, a billionaire who pays little to no taxes? How's that make America great? But, hey, if you say it works, have the Senate pass a law that says no one pays taxes -- and see how long we keep up with China."
"Donald, your face doesn't belong on Mount Rushmore, it belongs on an unwanted poster in the post office."
Mocking Trump Part 2: Political cartoons
(Sept. 27, 2020)
Here are a few suggestions for any emerging Doug Marlettes and Pat Oliphants out there:
[Scene: Doctor examining brain scan and giving his assessment to Trump who's sitting on an exam table in his undershirt and boxer shorts staring off into space]
“Well, Mr. President, it's just as I feared. Your bonehead spurs are getting worse.”
[Scene: A smiling man is sitting in a chair watching TV that has a special converter attached. Onscreen Trump is spouting his usual nonsense, but only a few words from among the torrent are being shown in closed captions. At the bottom of the cartoon is the voice-over of a manufacturer rep touting the latest version of his company's device]
“Our new, improved De-FIB-rillator is now guaranteed to block 99 percent of falsehoods uttered by the president."
[Scene: Trump is screaming in agony on a golf course after butterfly lands on his arm. One of Trump's golf buddies remarks to another:]
“I've never seen a guy so thin-skinned.”
[Scene: Arlington National Cemetery. Close-up of two elderly people softly crying, one a man, the other a woman, laying wreaths at a pair of adjacent headstones. One reads 'Loser', the other 'Sucker'.]
[Scene: Lincoln Memorial. Trump's arms, legs and hair swoop protrude from beneath statue's right foot. Lincoln is smiling]
[Scene: Trump campaign dirigible crashing into Washington Monument, bursting into flame. Caption is of reporter at scene]
“Oh, humanity ... We're saved!”
(Sept. 27, 2020)
Here are a few suggestions for any emerging Doug Marlettes and Pat Oliphants out there:
[Scene: Doctor examining brain scan and giving his assessment to Trump who's sitting on an exam table in his undershirt and boxer shorts staring off into space]
“Well, Mr. President, it's just as I feared. Your bonehead spurs are getting worse.”
[Scene: A smiling man is sitting in a chair watching TV that has a special converter attached. Onscreen Trump is spouting his usual nonsense, but only a few words from among the torrent are being shown in closed captions. At the bottom of the cartoon is the voice-over of a manufacturer rep touting the latest version of his company's device]
“Our new, improved De-FIB-rillator is now guaranteed to block 99 percent of falsehoods uttered by the president."
[Scene: Trump is screaming in agony on a golf course after butterfly lands on his arm. One of Trump's golf buddies remarks to another:]
“I've never seen a guy so thin-skinned.”
[Scene: Arlington National Cemetery. Close-up of two elderly people softly crying, one a man, the other a woman, laying wreaths at a pair of adjacent headstones. One reads 'Loser', the other 'Sucker'.]
[Scene: Lincoln Memorial. Trump's arms, legs and hair swoop protrude from beneath statue's right foot. Lincoln is smiling]
[Scene: Trump campaign dirigible crashing into Washington Monument, bursting into flame. Caption is of reporter at scene]
“Oh, humanity ... We're saved!”
Mocking Donald Part 1: Verbal shots
(Sept. 27, 2020)
Biden should preface his responses at the debate with broadsides directed at Trump:
Donald's offering a reward for information leading to the whereabouts of his health plan. It went missing four years ago. If it ended up at the IRS we'll never see it.
The only thing complex about Donald is the one he's developing from nasty tell-all books written by people who worked for him. Or share a surname.
Donald has given tweets such a bad name birds now only hum.
This is how far America has come. From a president who never told a lie to a president who never tells the truth, from a president who fought in a war to a president who fought to stay out of one, from a president who supported the Constitution to a president who's undermining it.
And Washington powdered his hair white, not tint his face orange.
If Donald had a conscience he'd be red-faced.
People don't care if Donald went bankrupt six times or that he's been married three times, but they draw the line on his being president more than once.
How bad is it when the president of the United States prefers to downplay a crisis so people will die in ignorance during a pandemic rather than live in panic while it's happening?
Donald's idea of leadership is to sound authoritative while being incompetent.
Trump's trailing in the polls so he's trying every trick in the book to rig the election in his favour. Big mistake. Voters don't like an underhanded dog.
(Sept. 27, 2020)
Biden should preface his responses at the debate with broadsides directed at Trump:
Donald's offering a reward for information leading to the whereabouts of his health plan. It went missing four years ago. If it ended up at the IRS we'll never see it.
The only thing complex about Donald is the one he's developing from nasty tell-all books written by people who worked for him. Or share a surname.
Donald has given tweets such a bad name birds now only hum.
This is how far America has come. From a president who never told a lie to a president who never tells the truth, from a president who fought in a war to a president who fought to stay out of one, from a president who supported the Constitution to a president who's undermining it.
And Washington powdered his hair white, not tint his face orange.
If Donald had a conscience he'd be red-faced.
People don't care if Donald went bankrupt six times or that he's been married three times, but they draw the line on his being president more than once.
How bad is it when the president of the United States prefers to downplay a crisis so people will die in ignorance during a pandemic rather than live in panic while it's happening?
Donald's idea of leadership is to sound authoritative while being incompetent.
Trump's trailing in the polls so he's trying every trick in the book to rig the election in his favour. Big mistake. Voters don't like an underhanded dog.
Thinking out loud
(Sept. 22 2020)
The Republicans, ever cynical, operate by the principle: "Do unto others before the others undo you."
How is this possible: Trump avoided serving in the military because he had bone spurs, yet Graham is able to serve in the Senate despite having a forked tongue.
What's that, it's BECAUSE he has a forked tongue that he keeps his seat?
Oh. How sad.
I wonder what the Founding Fathers would make of their not-so-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-manchild?
Imagine how happy we'll all be when Individual-1 within weeks becomes known as Individual-1-And-Done.
(Sept. 22 2020)
The Republicans, ever cynical, operate by the principle: "Do unto others before the others undo you."
How is this possible: Trump avoided serving in the military because he had bone spurs, yet Graham is able to serve in the Senate despite having a forked tongue.
What's that, it's BECAUSE he has a forked tongue that he keeps his seat?
Oh. How sad.
I wonder what the Founding Fathers would make of their not-so-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-manchild?
Imagine how happy we'll all be when Individual-1 within weeks becomes known as Individual-1-And-Done.
Breaking news
(Sept. 21, 2020)
Breaking news is too often a misnomer that's used
To announce a development that occurred hours past
When said eight times or more it leaves you bemused:
“If the news is still breaking why not fix it -- and fast?!”
(Sept. 21, 2020)
Breaking news is too often a misnomer that's used
To announce a development that occurred hours past
When said eight times or more it leaves you bemused:
“If the news is still breaking why not fix it -- and fast?!”
Trump has a plan!
(Sept. 20, 2020)
O ye of little faith. Trump IS overseeing work on a health care plan that, without question, will be the "the best of its kind in the universe, the likes of which has never been seen before."
Can he help it if his handpicked team of experts has taken longer than expected to come up with a final version after multiple attempts, in part because of new information continuing to be gathered from the wrecks of UFOs and the remains of their crews kept in storage at Area 51.
But they are nearing completion of their work and I have been assured that Trump will unveil the final iteration "in a week or so."
Trump's detractors will be eating crow when he does, that's how good "Plan 9 from Outer Space" is.
(Sept. 20, 2020)
O ye of little faith. Trump IS overseeing work on a health care plan that, without question, will be the "the best of its kind in the universe, the likes of which has never been seen before."
Can he help it if his handpicked team of experts has taken longer than expected to come up with a final version after multiple attempts, in part because of new information continuing to be gathered from the wrecks of UFOs and the remains of their crews kept in storage at Area 51.
But they are nearing completion of their work and I have been assured that Trump will unveil the final iteration "in a week or so."
Trump's detractors will be eating crow when he does, that's how good "Plan 9 from Outer Space" is.
Better ballots the answer
(Sept. 17, 2020)
The United States doesn't need another party that can compete with the Democrats and Republicans and restore sanity to American politics.
A better ballot would put an end to the dysfunction.
Voters are being asked to choose between Trump or Biden but they aren't given the opportunity to offer advice at the same time.
It's like giving a guy carte blanche to do as he pleases for the next four years without his ever having to pay attention to what you want.
Can you see why voters feel used?
A nuanced ballot would change all that.
Here's how: Each candidate would have his name listed more than once -- with each instance offering a different choice committing the winning candidate to a preferred course of action.
It's not enough any more to pick a president and leave it at that. Candidates need direction.
For example, suppose your choice for president is Trump wouldn't you want to have a say in how he behaves a second term? You can't be truly happy with the first go-round, right?
A nuanced ballot would allow you to make a course correction. In voting for Trump you'd make clear what your expectations are (unfortunately you can only put a X beside one):
__ Trump (no lying)
__ Trump (no tweeting)
__ Trump (take a hike, Putin)
__ Trump (play nice with institutions)
__ Trump (stop with the corruption)
I don't have space to list the other 10 choices for Trump voters or the three for Biden but you get the idea.
If Trump is elected, he'd have to comply with the topmost wish of his supporters or be impeached for having betrayed their trust.
And it wouldn't be the Senate that decided the matter, but a new judge advocate general for commanders in chief that the two parties agreed upon at the start of the term.
Next: Reforming the Electoral College without the use of dynamite
(Sept. 17, 2020)
The United States doesn't need another party that can compete with the Democrats and Republicans and restore sanity to American politics.
A better ballot would put an end to the dysfunction.
Voters are being asked to choose between Trump or Biden but they aren't given the opportunity to offer advice at the same time.
It's like giving a guy carte blanche to do as he pleases for the next four years without his ever having to pay attention to what you want.
Can you see why voters feel used?
A nuanced ballot would change all that.
Here's how: Each candidate would have his name listed more than once -- with each instance offering a different choice committing the winning candidate to a preferred course of action.
It's not enough any more to pick a president and leave it at that. Candidates need direction.
For example, suppose your choice for president is Trump wouldn't you want to have a say in how he behaves a second term? You can't be truly happy with the first go-round, right?
A nuanced ballot would allow you to make a course correction. In voting for Trump you'd make clear what your expectations are (unfortunately you can only put a X beside one):
__ Trump (no lying)
__ Trump (no tweeting)
__ Trump (take a hike, Putin)
__ Trump (play nice with institutions)
__ Trump (stop with the corruption)
I don't have space to list the other 10 choices for Trump voters or the three for Biden but you get the idea.
If Trump is elected, he'd have to comply with the topmost wish of his supporters or be impeached for having betrayed their trust.
And it wouldn't be the Senate that decided the matter, but a new judge advocate general for commanders in chief that the two parties agreed upon at the start of the term.
Next: Reforming the Electoral College without the use of dynamite
A remake without a happy ending
(Sept. 15, 2020)
If they made a remake of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" today, Jimmy Stewart's character would commit suicide long before the end.
He'd see all those letters pouring in from his home state, written by far right-wingers caught up in the latest QAnon conspiracy demanding he'd be expelled, and realize it was hopeless.
And he'd get no smile of support or look of sympathy from the Senate Majority Leader encouraging him to fight on, just a fiendish grin.
At that point Smith would wrestle the gun from his former mentor who had seen the error of his corrupt ways and was about to end his life, and instead shoot himself.
A depressing remake, I agree, but much more realistic than the original movie which left viewers with a foolish sense of hope that good can prevail in politics.
Those days are long gone.
(Sept. 15, 2020)
If they made a remake of "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" today, Jimmy Stewart's character would commit suicide long before the end.
He'd see all those letters pouring in from his home state, written by far right-wingers caught up in the latest QAnon conspiracy demanding he'd be expelled, and realize it was hopeless.
And he'd get no smile of support or look of sympathy from the Senate Majority Leader encouraging him to fight on, just a fiendish grin.
At that point Smith would wrestle the gun from his former mentor who had seen the error of his corrupt ways and was about to end his life, and instead shoot himself.
A depressing remake, I agree, but much more realistic than the original movie which left viewers with a foolish sense of hope that good can prevail in politics.
Those days are long gone.
It's time voters were licensed
(Sept. 14, 2020)
Democracy would be better served if voters were required to be licensed, that is, pass an exam that proves they understand how government works, and they know something of their country's history.
Wouldn't have to be terribly difficult -- no essay questions, for example -- just multiple choice and fill in the blank.
Sample question:
The president of the United States is chosen by
a.) the Electoral College
b.) mail-in voting fraud
c.) foreign interference
d.) vicious lies directed at a political rival
e.) all of the above
Such a test would put informed citizens in the driver's seat as to which road their country should go down.
(Sept. 14, 2020)
Democracy would be better served if voters were required to be licensed, that is, pass an exam that proves they understand how government works, and they know something of their country's history.
Wouldn't have to be terribly difficult -- no essay questions, for example -- just multiple choice and fill in the blank.
Sample question:
The president of the United States is chosen by
a.) the Electoral College
b.) mail-in voting fraud
c.) foreign interference
d.) vicious lies directed at a political rival
e.) all of the above
Such a test would put informed citizens in the driver's seat as to which road their country should go down.
Everywhere man
(Sept. 11, 2020)
Trump is everywhere -- above the law, beneath contempt, beyond the pale, over the top, around the bend, and in the news -- except the one place we all want him to be: out of office.
Can't happen soon enough.
(Sept. 11, 2020)
Trump is everywhere -- above the law, beneath contempt, beyond the pale, over the top, around the bend, and in the news -- except the one place we all want him to be: out of office.
Can't happen soon enough.
What exactly is tanking?
(10:40 a.m., June 5, 2020)
I don't know that we've ever seen a team TRULY tank in order to secure a higher draft pick.
Tanking, to my mind, is:
-- playing your fourth line with a minute to go and the team down a goal
-- a coach loudly and obscenely berating a referee in the first minute of play in order to draw a bench minor
-- a team trailing by a goal and pulling its goalie halfway through the third period
-- an assistant coach grabbing an opponent while he's skating by
-- telling players to warm up before a game on their own time, at home
-- ordering your goalie to stickhandle past the first player who approaches him after he collects the puck
-- a coach challenging a goal by his own team
-- playing your slowest players in OT
-- a coach waving a white towel during the national anthem
-- praising a player who's hurt but will be in the lineup and then explaining to reporters the nature of the injury in detail
-- instructing the equipment guy to sharpen skates once a season
-- telling players to wait a couple of seconds before replacing those who have completed their shift, in order to avoid a too many men on the ice penalty
-- fining players who block the view of the opposing goalie
-- spending the majority of your time in practices working on icing
Of course, the most obvious sign that a team is tanking is to retain the services of a general manager whose squads struggle to make the playoffs year in, year out, with more years being out than in.
(10:40 a.m., June 5, 2020)
I don't know that we've ever seen a team TRULY tank in order to secure a higher draft pick.
Tanking, to my mind, is:
-- playing your fourth line with a minute to go and the team down a goal
-- a coach loudly and obscenely berating a referee in the first minute of play in order to draw a bench minor
-- a team trailing by a goal and pulling its goalie halfway through the third period
-- an assistant coach grabbing an opponent while he's skating by
-- telling players to warm up before a game on their own time, at home
-- ordering your goalie to stickhandle past the first player who approaches him after he collects the puck
-- a coach challenging a goal by his own team
-- playing your slowest players in OT
-- a coach waving a white towel during the national anthem
-- praising a player who's hurt but will be in the lineup and then explaining to reporters the nature of the injury in detail
-- instructing the equipment guy to sharpen skates once a season
-- telling players to wait a couple of seconds before replacing those who have completed their shift, in order to avoid a too many men on the ice penalty
-- fining players who block the view of the opposing goalie
-- spending the majority of your time in practices working on icing
Of course, the most obvious sign that a team is tanking is to retain the services of a general manager whose squads struggle to make the playoffs year in, year out, with more years being out than in.
24 teams, shortened post-season? No problem
(11:05 a.m., May 25, 2020)
There's been a lot of debate over how to resolve the complexities of holding a 24-team tournament in a COVID-19 environment, when the answer seems obvious: Have all games decided by that fan favourite --shoot-outs.
Minimal players on the ice at one time -- two -- along with one official -- and no contact. (The goalie crease would be expanded and deking within it prohibited.)
Fewer players would need to dress: One goalie and 10 skaters, one for each shootout round (yes, a minimum 10 rounds, not three. Give the fans at home their money's worth).
Each player would await his turn in a line that stretches from the dressing room to the bench to allow for proper physical distancing.
I figure you'd only need a week at most to complete the playoffs, as teams could easily play three games a day . Players would remain dressed and sit in the stands -- far apart, of course -- when not in action, watching their opponents play.
There would no need for the coaching staff to be present, as there would be no need for systems, set plays, defensive assignments, PP or PK strategiziing, or the matching of lines.
The coach would hand the referee his list of shooters and then cheer his players on from the far end of the bench.
Rather than present the Stanley Cup champions their trophy, Bettman could slide it to the captain from a safe distance and have it passed around in the same fashion until the Cup came back around to him to be disinfected.
This seems like a reasonable solution to address a vexing problem: how to decide a Stanley Cup winner in the safest and most exciting manner possible.
If successful, the format could be adopted to shorten upcoming seasons to such an extent that it might be possible to have TWO champions decided each year.
Which would certainly improve the Canadiens' chances of capturing their 25th Cup within our lifetimes.
So what's not to like?
(11:05 a.m., May 25, 2020)
There's been a lot of debate over how to resolve the complexities of holding a 24-team tournament in a COVID-19 environment, when the answer seems obvious: Have all games decided by that fan favourite --shoot-outs.
Minimal players on the ice at one time -- two -- along with one official -- and no contact. (The goalie crease would be expanded and deking within it prohibited.)
Fewer players would need to dress: One goalie and 10 skaters, one for each shootout round (yes, a minimum 10 rounds, not three. Give the fans at home their money's worth).
Each player would await his turn in a line that stretches from the dressing room to the bench to allow for proper physical distancing.
I figure you'd only need a week at most to complete the playoffs, as teams could easily play three games a day . Players would remain dressed and sit in the stands -- far apart, of course -- when not in action, watching their opponents play.
There would no need for the coaching staff to be present, as there would be no need for systems, set plays, defensive assignments, PP or PK strategiziing, or the matching of lines.
The coach would hand the referee his list of shooters and then cheer his players on from the far end of the bench.
Rather than present the Stanley Cup champions their trophy, Bettman could slide it to the captain from a safe distance and have it passed around in the same fashion until the Cup came back around to him to be disinfected.
This seems like a reasonable solution to address a vexing problem: how to decide a Stanley Cup winner in the safest and most exciting manner possible.
If successful, the format could be adopted to shorten upcoming seasons to such an extent that it might be possible to have TWO champions decided each year.
Which would certainly improve the Canadiens' chances of capturing their 25th Cup within our lifetimes.
So what's not to like?
A note to one (and all?)
(May 2, 2018)
Readers -- a shot in the dark there, I admit -- you will have noticed a certain waning of interest in hockey and the fortunes of the Montreal Canadiens of late on this page. Hence the paucity of new material.
Much of what can be said about the team and sport I've already said, with more humour than I'm able to muster these days.
So the focus in the weeks ahead will be on dredging self-penned pieces from the past that have yet to make their way onto this site.
In other words, I'll be curating mostly, not creating.
I'll send out a news release tomorrow.
(May 2, 2018)
Readers -- a shot in the dark there, I admit -- you will have noticed a certain waning of interest in hockey and the fortunes of the Montreal Canadiens of late on this page. Hence the paucity of new material.
Much of what can be said about the team and sport I've already said, with more humour than I'm able to muster these days.
So the focus in the weeks ahead will be on dredging self-penned pieces from the past that have yet to make their way onto this site.
In other words, I'll be curating mostly, not creating.
I'll send out a news release tomorrow.
You know the Habs are in trouble when:
(Nov. 29, 2019)
-- the coaching staff wear paper bags
-- players high five the goalie after he makes a save
-- the backup goalie sits on the other team's bench
-- they have trouble getting kids to carry a banner
-- the general manager has plastic surgery to change his face
-- the 3-star selection process is changed, making it mandatory to include at least one member of the home team
-- players' gloves shatter when they take a shot
-- scalpers hand out tickets, saying there will be a draw prize
-- fans chant 31 and it's a cheer for the draft pick, not the goalie
-- a player goes offside on a shootout
(Nov. 29, 2019)
-- the coaching staff wear paper bags
-- players high five the goalie after he makes a save
-- the backup goalie sits on the other team's bench
-- they have trouble getting kids to carry a banner
-- the general manager has plastic surgery to change his face
-- the 3-star selection process is changed, making it mandatory to include at least one member of the home team
-- players' gloves shatter when they take a shot
-- scalpers hand out tickets, saying there will be a draw prize
-- fans chant 31 and it's a cheer for the draft pick, not the goalie
-- a player goes offside on a shootout
Thumbs up for Knives Out
(Nov. 21, 2019)
There are several hockey-themed movies currently playing or about to be released that I'm really looking forward to seeing over the next couple of weeks:
Joker A hockey executive who loves pranks turns to the dark side after one of his tricks – a lapel flower that's supposed to spray water but in fact contains bleach substituted by a disgruntled ex-player – explodes, leaving his face disfigured and his mind predisposed to wearing purple.
Crazed, he begins making outlandish trades that betray a now-twisted sense of humour.
A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood Spoiler Alert! Mr. Rogers forces the “not nice” old coot living next door to leave the neighbourhood after he takes a shot at a kid's dog for leaving a 'poopie' on his lawn.
Knives Out Thriller about members of a fan forum -- loosely based on Hockey Inside Out in its heyday – who become suspects in the murder of one of its more controversial figures. More than a dozen people confess to the crime. The mystery becomes which one would use a unicorn horn.
The Good Liar A behind-the-scenes documentary that follows a National Hockey League general manager over the course of a season which ends with the team missing the playoffs for the third time in four years.
(Nov. 21, 2019)
There are several hockey-themed movies currently playing or about to be released that I'm really looking forward to seeing over the next couple of weeks:
Joker A hockey executive who loves pranks turns to the dark side after one of his tricks – a lapel flower that's supposed to spray water but in fact contains bleach substituted by a disgruntled ex-player – explodes, leaving his face disfigured and his mind predisposed to wearing purple.
Crazed, he begins making outlandish trades that betray a now-twisted sense of humour.
A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood Spoiler Alert! Mr. Rogers forces the “not nice” old coot living next door to leave the neighbourhood after he takes a shot at a kid's dog for leaving a 'poopie' on his lawn.
Knives Out Thriller about members of a fan forum -- loosely based on Hockey Inside Out in its heyday – who become suspects in the murder of one of its more controversial figures. More than a dozen people confess to the crime. The mystery becomes which one would use a unicorn horn.
The Good Liar A behind-the-scenes documentary that follows a National Hockey League general manager over the course of a season which ends with the team missing the playoffs for the third time in four years.
Cherry on top no longer, here's his replacement
(Nov. 16, 2019)
Toronto – Word has slipped out who will replace Don Cherry on Coach's Corner.
It's Ron MacLean.
“Ron was always Don's right-hand man on the show,” said a SportsNet official who requested anonymity. “Now Ron's right hand will be Don Cherry.”
Yep, Sportsnet is replacing Cherry with a puppet manipulated by MacLean.
“Ron has worked with Cherry for years so he's got his character down pat. And he's an incredible mimic – although he never did his Grapes imitation when the coach was around,” said the source.
“Ron was a bit reluctant about taking the place of a Canadian icon using a puppet but he agreed to do it as long as there were no strings attached.”
MacLean promised not to spew any bigoted nonsense or make outlandish remarks as DC – the puppet's moniker – and he vowed to be nicer to himself.
“No more insults, no more boorish behaviour directed his way,” said the source. “He's actually looking forward to the first show, hosting himself.”
Cherry unsurprisingly was upset at the news MacLean would be “filling in” for him.
“I knew the bastard had it in for me when he issued an apology for himself AND me, when I said nothing wrong about new Canadians disrespecting us by not wearing poppies. It was perfect, there was no need for me to say I was sorry. I wasn't,” he said. “So he had a hand in me getting fired, and now he has a hand in my replacement. My sidekick's kicked me in the side! Backstabber!”
The source said DC won't be rough around the edges but “softer, sweeter, happier. The kids will love their new role model!”
“We hope.”
MacLean declined to answer questions about the change in format, saying DC will “explain all” tonight.
“Right now I have to work on my ventriloquism,” he said. “And how to work the fingers. Working with a hollow head won't be a problem. I've done it for years.”
We assume he meant Cherry.
(Nov. 16, 2019)
Toronto – Word has slipped out who will replace Don Cherry on Coach's Corner.
It's Ron MacLean.
“Ron was always Don's right-hand man on the show,” said a SportsNet official who requested anonymity. “Now Ron's right hand will be Don Cherry.”
Yep, Sportsnet is replacing Cherry with a puppet manipulated by MacLean.
“Ron has worked with Cherry for years so he's got his character down pat. And he's an incredible mimic – although he never did his Grapes imitation when the coach was around,” said the source.
“Ron was a bit reluctant about taking the place of a Canadian icon using a puppet but he agreed to do it as long as there were no strings attached.”
MacLean promised not to spew any bigoted nonsense or make outlandish remarks as DC – the puppet's moniker – and he vowed to be nicer to himself.
“No more insults, no more boorish behaviour directed his way,” said the source. “He's actually looking forward to the first show, hosting himself.”
Cherry unsurprisingly was upset at the news MacLean would be “filling in” for him.
“I knew the bastard had it in for me when he issued an apology for himself AND me, when I said nothing wrong about new Canadians disrespecting us by not wearing poppies. It was perfect, there was no need for me to say I was sorry. I wasn't,” he said. “So he had a hand in me getting fired, and now he has a hand in my replacement. My sidekick's kicked me in the side! Backstabber!”
The source said DC won't be rough around the edges but “softer, sweeter, happier. The kids will love their new role model!”
“We hope.”
MacLean declined to answer questions about the change in format, saying DC will “explain all” tonight.
“Right now I have to work on my ventriloquism,” he said. “And how to work the fingers. Working with a hollow head won't be a problem. I've done it for years.”
We assume he meant Cherry.
Food for thought – and better passes
(Sept. 24, 2019)
Montreal – In a move some will say smacks of desperation, the Montreal Canadiens have put enigmatic forward Jonathan Drouin on a special diet.
“Fish, eggs, berries, broccoli, green tea – anything that will improve brain function,” said a former line mate (FLM) who asked not to be named or numbered.
“He has all this talent and to see it go wasted is such a shame,” he said.
FLM said the Canadiens' medical team “did a battery of tests and decided Drouin could use a boost to improve his thinking. Getting him to eat certain foods was the easiest and cheapest way to go. Also they remembered lobotomies were outlawed by the league after what happened to Marchand. He still scores but it's all reflex.”
Legions of fans who diagnosed Drouin's condition months ago and posted their findings online out of concern for his well-being will be glad to know Montreal has finally listened.
“I don't know what took them so long,” one fan tweeted. “Don't they watch the games?”
“You can't teach hockey smarts but maybe they can be swallowed,” FLM said.
Drouin has said he's willing to try anything to improve his game “but he's drawn the line at kale. Who wouldn't?”
The team did “a fair amount of research on Google and determined the science is sound” that eating better food can sharpen the mind, KLM said.
“It has something to do about clearing neural pathways of mental debris deposited by bad habits and Bergevin's managing – which gets blamed for everything.”
Drouin is also eating more carrots to improve his eyesight -- “it's an obvious issue, given how so many of his passes go to the other team” -- and he's increased his consumption of potassium-rich bananas to improve his hearing -- “also an issue, it seems, because the coach kept yelling at him to get off the ice and it always took a while to sink in. Could be just ear wax, though.”
FLM said if Drouin's new diet has the desired effect, every player will be assigned personalized meal plans.
“One player was told over the summer to start liking spinach.
He didn't mind,” FLM said. “In fact, he really liked his new nickname. Popeye Mete has a nice ring to it, he told teammates.”
If all goes according to plan the whole team could have much nicer rings next summer.
(Sept. 24, 2019)
Montreal – In a move some will say smacks of desperation, the Montreal Canadiens have put enigmatic forward Jonathan Drouin on a special diet.
“Fish, eggs, berries, broccoli, green tea – anything that will improve brain function,” said a former line mate (FLM) who asked not to be named or numbered.
“He has all this talent and to see it go wasted is such a shame,” he said.
FLM said the Canadiens' medical team “did a battery of tests and decided Drouin could use a boost to improve his thinking. Getting him to eat certain foods was the easiest and cheapest way to go. Also they remembered lobotomies were outlawed by the league after what happened to Marchand. He still scores but it's all reflex.”
Legions of fans who diagnosed Drouin's condition months ago and posted their findings online out of concern for his well-being will be glad to know Montreal has finally listened.
“I don't know what took them so long,” one fan tweeted. “Don't they watch the games?”
“You can't teach hockey smarts but maybe they can be swallowed,” FLM said.
Drouin has said he's willing to try anything to improve his game “but he's drawn the line at kale. Who wouldn't?”
The team did “a fair amount of research on Google and determined the science is sound” that eating better food can sharpen the mind, KLM said.
“It has something to do about clearing neural pathways of mental debris deposited by bad habits and Bergevin's managing – which gets blamed for everything.”
Drouin is also eating more carrots to improve his eyesight -- “it's an obvious issue, given how so many of his passes go to the other team” -- and he's increased his consumption of potassium-rich bananas to improve his hearing -- “also an issue, it seems, because the coach kept yelling at him to get off the ice and it always took a while to sink in. Could be just ear wax, though.”
FLM said if Drouin's new diet has the desired effect, every player will be assigned personalized meal plans.
“One player was told over the summer to start liking spinach.
He didn't mind,” FLM said. “In fact, he really liked his new nickname. Popeye Mete has a nice ring to it, he told teammates.”
If all goes according to plan the whole team could have much nicer rings next summer.
Is PK an owl and Weber just a birdbrain?
(June 23, 2019)
The comment was made in a Hab fans forum that Weber “is not as smart or articulate as PK. Few players are.”
It seemed a risible claim but, upon scouring the internet, it does appear there's an element of truth in the statement.
I found three instances where the two players, over the course of their careers, were asked similar questions.
Here are their answers (the questions have been edited for length and clarity):
Describe how you scored the go-ahead goal?
Subban: Gallagher was creating havoc in front of the net and I tapped my stick on the ice in Morse code to let Markie know I was open for a one-timer and the puck was in the net before you could say 'Holy Dostoevsky!'
Weber: Me yelled for puck and it went boom!
Why do you think you were traded?
Subban: The reality is I never asked for a trade, and when it happened, I kept asking myself what is the rationale? Empirically, it didn't make any sense. I still find it hard to fathom.
All my followers on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram are in the same state of confusion.
They're also very agitated, even apoplectic.
Weber: Dunno.
A great deal of attention is being paid these days to sightings of UFOs, which are increasing in number around the world. Some suggest their appearances could indicate aliens are preparing to make their presence known in a formal but benign way, to begin the process of establishing cordial and profitable relations with mankind. As a hockey player, but also as a human being, are you looking forward to first contact, and the implications it could have for the NHL's long-term plans for expansion?
Subban: I'd be concerned about the additional stress it would cause players who naturally worry about if and where they will be traded.
Weber: WTF?
(June 23, 2019)
The comment was made in a Hab fans forum that Weber “is not as smart or articulate as PK. Few players are.”
It seemed a risible claim but, upon scouring the internet, it does appear there's an element of truth in the statement.
I found three instances where the two players, over the course of their careers, were asked similar questions.
Here are their answers (the questions have been edited for length and clarity):
Describe how you scored the go-ahead goal?
Subban: Gallagher was creating havoc in front of the net and I tapped my stick on the ice in Morse code to let Markie know I was open for a one-timer and the puck was in the net before you could say 'Holy Dostoevsky!'
Weber: Me yelled for puck and it went boom!
Why do you think you were traded?
Subban: The reality is I never asked for a trade, and when it happened, I kept asking myself what is the rationale? Empirically, it didn't make any sense. I still find it hard to fathom.
All my followers on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram are in the same state of confusion.
They're also very agitated, even apoplectic.
Weber: Dunno.
A great deal of attention is being paid these days to sightings of UFOs, which are increasing in number around the world. Some suggest their appearances could indicate aliens are preparing to make their presence known in a formal but benign way, to begin the process of establishing cordial and profitable relations with mankind. As a hockey player, but also as a human being, are you looking forward to first contact, and the implications it could have for the NHL's long-term plans for expansion?
Subban: I'd be concerned about the additional stress it would cause players who naturally worry about if and where they will be traded.
Weber: WTF?
From the Vault: It's alive! UberHab!
(Oct. 30, 2013)
I was working in the lab late last night, when Igor finally returned from his assignment.
He shuffled into the room with his unnatural gait, gripping the end of a huge duffel bag that hung over his hump.
“You got everything I marked down on the list?”
“Yes, Herr Doktor, everything you had on the list, I marked off. Including Markov.”
“You have done well, Igor. Now let us begin.”
Igor did as he was told and began carrying out the other preparations I had planned in advance to ensure the success of my mission: to rebuild the Canadiens IN ONE NIGHT!
They called me mad, the fools, but it is I who will have the last laugh, and they will be singing my praises for generations to come. Nay, more – centuries!
I busied myself getting the instruments and equipment in place while Igor plugged the array of energy units into the power bar – gas-powered generators, car batteries, lunar panels, nuclear fuel rods, a microhydroelectric station attached to the faucet in the sink. The last was Igor himself, rapidly rubbing his socked feet along the dry carpet.
My experiment would not fail for lack of power.
“Dim the lights, please, Igor, we need all the electricity we can muster, and start handing me the … pieces of the puzzle.”
I could not make out his face as he stood in the shadows, nor his arm as he reached inside the bag. What little illumination there was in the room, cast by a torch I had lighted – did you expect anything else? – formed a not-so-large circle on the bed.
Energy was to be preserved, not wasted on the likes of Igor or myself.
“Let’s start with the torso.”
And so it was begun, the making of uberHab – the greatest hockey player the world would ever know, combining the speed of a Bournival, the brawn of a Murray, the savvy of a Markov, the dazzling moves of a Subban, the fearlessness of a Gallagher, and the reflexes of a Price.
Mad, am I? Mad? MAD? Hah, I spit on your shoes!
Wait until they behold BouRayIceGallSubKov.
SubKovIceGallBouRay.
IceBouRayGallKovSub. That’s it!
IceBouRayGallKovSub The Magnificent.
The league will tremble at his sight.
The hours raced by as I sewed together each part limb by limb, cheek by jowl, mouth-to-mouth – whew, that was close, only need one, you know.
When I was done I attached electrodes all over the assembled flesh.
At last I was ready to give life to my creation.
“Igor, turn on the switch!”
Igor turned on the faucet and pressed the power bar’s on button.
A thrum filled the room, growing louder with each second, the devices moving steadily toward releasing the full discharge of their capacity.
IceBouRayGallKovSub moved not all.
“Igor, more electricity. MORE!!!
Igor feet slid his feet back and forth, faster and faster, a demon possessed.
An eyelid twitched. A finger curled. A nostril flared.
“Look! It’s moving. It’s alive. It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive.”
I danced around in circles, hands stretched high overhead.
“It’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!”
I stopped.
I stared.
It was alive. But it was no IceBouRayGallKovSub.
In the full light I could tell it was a … mess – possessing the speed of a Desharnais, the brawn of a Gionta, the savvy of a Drewiske, the dazzling moves of a Gorges, the fearlessness of a Diaz, and the reflexes of a Moen.
“Igor, you idiot, didn’t you buy a program before you went about snatching bodies!!!?”
“Herr Doktor, the programs cost five bucks! FIVE BUCKS! I just went with my memory of what the players look like. Remember, when you got first got this idea, you took me to the exhibition game, and you bought me the popcorn, and
“SHUT UP!”
Oh, I was mad. Not the stark, raving mad they think I am, but angry mad.
And getting a little annoyed. UnterHab kept crashing into the equipment, going around circles, leaving his man uncovered.
There was nothing left to do but to clean him up, dress him, and send him down to the American Hockey League.
And send an anonymous note to the Canadiens letting them know they have some roster spots to fill.
(Oct. 30, 2013)
I was working in the lab late last night, when Igor finally returned from his assignment.
He shuffled into the room with his unnatural gait, gripping the end of a huge duffel bag that hung over his hump.
“You got everything I marked down on the list?”
“Yes, Herr Doktor, everything you had on the list, I marked off. Including Markov.”
“You have done well, Igor. Now let us begin.”
Igor did as he was told and began carrying out the other preparations I had planned in advance to ensure the success of my mission: to rebuild the Canadiens IN ONE NIGHT!
They called me mad, the fools, but it is I who will have the last laugh, and they will be singing my praises for generations to come. Nay, more – centuries!
I busied myself getting the instruments and equipment in place while Igor plugged the array of energy units into the power bar – gas-powered generators, car batteries, lunar panels, nuclear fuel rods, a microhydroelectric station attached to the faucet in the sink. The last was Igor himself, rapidly rubbing his socked feet along the dry carpet.
My experiment would not fail for lack of power.
“Dim the lights, please, Igor, we need all the electricity we can muster, and start handing me the … pieces of the puzzle.”
I could not make out his face as he stood in the shadows, nor his arm as he reached inside the bag. What little illumination there was in the room, cast by a torch I had lighted – did you expect anything else? – formed a not-so-large circle on the bed.
Energy was to be preserved, not wasted on the likes of Igor or myself.
“Let’s start with the torso.”
And so it was begun, the making of uberHab – the greatest hockey player the world would ever know, combining the speed of a Bournival, the brawn of a Murray, the savvy of a Markov, the dazzling moves of a Subban, the fearlessness of a Gallagher, and the reflexes of a Price.
Mad, am I? Mad? MAD? Hah, I spit on your shoes!
Wait until they behold BouRayIceGallSubKov.
SubKovIceGallBouRay.
IceBouRayGallKovSub. That’s it!
IceBouRayGallKovSub The Magnificent.
The league will tremble at his sight.
The hours raced by as I sewed together each part limb by limb, cheek by jowl, mouth-to-mouth – whew, that was close, only need one, you know.
When I was done I attached electrodes all over the assembled flesh.
At last I was ready to give life to my creation.
“Igor, turn on the switch!”
Igor turned on the faucet and pressed the power bar’s on button.
A thrum filled the room, growing louder with each second, the devices moving steadily toward releasing the full discharge of their capacity.
IceBouRayGallKovSub moved not all.
“Igor, more electricity. MORE!!!
Igor feet slid his feet back and forth, faster and faster, a demon possessed.
An eyelid twitched. A finger curled. A nostril flared.
“Look! It’s moving. It’s alive. It’s alive… It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive.”
I danced around in circles, hands stretched high overhead.
“It’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!”
I stopped.
I stared.
It was alive. But it was no IceBouRayGallKovSub.
In the full light I could tell it was a … mess – possessing the speed of a Desharnais, the brawn of a Gionta, the savvy of a Drewiske, the dazzling moves of a Gorges, the fearlessness of a Diaz, and the reflexes of a Moen.
“Igor, you idiot, didn’t you buy a program before you went about snatching bodies!!!?”
“Herr Doktor, the programs cost five bucks! FIVE BUCKS! I just went with my memory of what the players look like. Remember, when you got first got this idea, you took me to the exhibition game, and you bought me the popcorn, and
“SHUT UP!”
Oh, I was mad. Not the stark, raving mad they think I am, but angry mad.
And getting a little annoyed. UnterHab kept crashing into the equipment, going around circles, leaving his man uncovered.
There was nothing left to do but to clean him up, dress him, and send him down to the American Hockey League.
And send an anonymous note to the Canadiens letting them know they have some roster spots to fill.
From the Vault: One measly question, that's all
(May 10, 2013)
Everyone’s waiting with bated breath – except Front’, there’s more than a hint of booze on his – to hear what MB will say at his press conference Monday. Some posters question whether he’ll be asked any tough questions because he’s been getting a bit of a free ride his first year at the helm.
MB could go a long way to winning over posters who have begun to cast doubt on his managerial acumen if he were to agree to answer one measly question from the HIO commentariat.
I even dreamt about it last night:
“Marc, the team surprised the pundits by not only making the playoffs but also winning its division, only to disappoint their fans by being ousted in the first round, in large part because of injuries, but the Canadiens’ quick exit coming after a lacklustre performance down the stretch pointed to a great many weaknesses in the lineup which you will need to address in the coming months, such as a soft defence that can’t clear the front of the goal, a group of forwards that has trouble scoring, mainly because so few of them charge the net, a goalie whose inconsistent play doesn’t inspire confidence, players who fell far short of the expectations placed on them when they signed long-term contracts, a coach who insisted on using certain players when holding the man advantage despite their obvious inability to mount a sustained attack, a fondness by the rearguards to ice the puck, a lack of a heavyweight who can play a regular shift on the fourth line and administer a beating when the other team takes liberties with your skilled players, a disturbing propensity to take stupid penalties, and the uncertain future two of your young stars face because of serious injuries, all of which, as you must know, represent a huge challenge, especially for one still settling into being a GM, which makes many of us who follow the team so avidly wonder: What are the hell are you going to do?”
I woke up when he asked me to repeat the question.
From the Vault: Getting ready for Cup run
March 28, 2019
The playoffs are fast approaching -- and golf games for teams at the back of the pack. Montreal currently holds one of the two wild cards but its grip is precarious. True believers in the team, however, are convinced the Canadiens will make the post-season, and even management is showing confidence in the team, re-issuing this directive from 2013.
It’s playoff time and that means teams make special demands of their players. Here’s the directive the Canadiens issued:
1.) Curfew is 10:30 p.m. 10:45 p.m. game night. 10:50 p.m. if goes into OT. Play accordingly.
2.) The consumption of alcohol is not permitted once a series is underway. Approved fluids: club soda, water, Molson Canadian.
3.) Management does not condone the use of performance enhancing drugs, or think highly of players who reduce their frequency of ingestion during playoffs.
4.) Do not shave. (Brendan, Alex: Do not wash face.)
5.) No sex before, during or after a game. Do not rub up against female reporters when being interviewed. Do not let male reporters rub up against you in a scrum.
6.) Do not change underwear after a win. Mail underwear to other team after a loss. COD.
7.) Anyone, ANYONE, can win a Stanley Cup team so don’t think being a champion is out of your reach. Look at these players who have won the Cup and then ask yourself: “Those guys have rings? Hell, if they can do it, I know I can!”: Gomez, Penner, Moen (sorry, Travis), Kaberle (sorry, Tomas) … well, you get the idea.
8.) Do not say anything inflammatory that could provide bulletin board material for opponents and incite them to play harder.
Unacceptable: “The Bruins can’t punch their way out of a paper bag.”
Acceptable: “The Bruins likely can punch their way of a paper bag. As long as it’s wet. And they get the jump on it.”
Unacceptable: “Player X —– sheep!
Acceptable: “Rumour has it Player X has carnal relations with farm animals.”
9.) Players are expected to play through injuries. However, consideration will be given to the extent and location of the injury.
Dislocated finger: miss a shift.
Fractured ankle: miss a period
Broken leg: kill penalties
Concussion: THERE ARE NO CONCUSSIONS DURING PLAYOFFS.
10.) Do not grab Cup from Captain Gionta and race around the ice. Wait your turn.
March 28, 2019
The playoffs are fast approaching -- and golf games for teams at the back of the pack. Montreal currently holds one of the two wild cards but its grip is precarious. True believers in the team, however, are convinced the Canadiens will make the post-season, and even management is showing confidence in the team, re-issuing this directive from 2013.
It’s playoff time and that means teams make special demands of their players. Here’s the directive the Canadiens issued:
1.) Curfew is 10:30 p.m. 10:45 p.m. game night. 10:50 p.m. if goes into OT. Play accordingly.
2.) The consumption of alcohol is not permitted once a series is underway. Approved fluids: club soda, water, Molson Canadian.
3.) Management does not condone the use of performance enhancing drugs, or think highly of players who reduce their frequency of ingestion during playoffs.
4.) Do not shave. (Brendan, Alex: Do not wash face.)
5.) No sex before, during or after a game. Do not rub up against female reporters when being interviewed. Do not let male reporters rub up against you in a scrum.
6.) Do not change underwear after a win. Mail underwear to other team after a loss. COD.
7.) Anyone, ANYONE, can win a Stanley Cup team so don’t think being a champion is out of your reach. Look at these players who have won the Cup and then ask yourself: “Those guys have rings? Hell, if they can do it, I know I can!”: Gomez, Penner, Moen (sorry, Travis), Kaberle (sorry, Tomas) … well, you get the idea.
8.) Do not say anything inflammatory that could provide bulletin board material for opponents and incite them to play harder.
Unacceptable: “The Bruins can’t punch their way out of a paper bag.”
Acceptable: “The Bruins likely can punch their way of a paper bag. As long as it’s wet. And they get the jump on it.”
Unacceptable: “Player X —– sheep!
Acceptable: “Rumour has it Player X has carnal relations with farm animals.”
9.) Players are expected to play through injuries. However, consideration will be given to the extent and location of the injury.
Dislocated finger: miss a shift.
Fractured ankle: miss a period
Broken leg: kill penalties
Concussion: THERE ARE NO CONCUSSIONS DURING PLAYOFFS.
10.) Do not grab Cup from Captain Gionta and race around the ice. Wait your turn.
Between periods
(Jan. 26, 2019)
No. 14 in interviews with players during intermission that we'd like to see:
TV personality: The shots, 29-4, suggest your team was badly outplayed in the first period, Bob, and you're lucky to be up 1-0. Is that how you see it?
Player: Hell, no. Only half of their shots were from what you would call prime scoring locations. And their forwards are not exactly gifted as scorers. Most of their shots hit our goalie in the chest which if fortunate because Bortsky's not known for his positioning. Or lateral movement. Or sobriety the second game of a back-to-back when he didn't think he'd be playing two in a row.
TV personality: Still, your team managed only four shots on net, Bob, and the goal happened when you were going to be called for a penalty but one of their players passed it back to the point when there was no one there and it went into the empty net.
Player (chuckling): That was a good one, wasn't it? And to think I got credit for the goal having been the last player on our side to touch the puck before I rammed Pilsky into the boards from behind. I think that goal threw off their power play. You notice they didn't pass it back to the point once.
That hit might have been the TSN Turning Point in the game.
TV personality: Bob, Sportsnet's doing the game tonight.
Player: Oh. [awkward silence]
Player: So, Bob, do you think your team can hang on for two more periods and get the win?
Player: Well, Shemp, people will tell you you have to play 60 minutes to win. But that's a bit much to expect of a team playing its second game in two days after spending the night on the plane from Los Angeles to New York for a matinee match.
Whoever drew up the schedule should be shot. Not that I'm suggesting any of our fans do that, or even go on Google to find out his name and shame him on social media.
But to get back to your original question, Shemp, I can't make any promises about the team playing a 60-minute game. But I will tell you this: We will keep our uniforms on for 60 minutes. And I'm warning the other team right now, don't even think about trying to undress our goalie. There will be consequences. Seeing Bortsky in his underwear, for one.
TV personality: One last question, Bob. With tensions on the rise around the world and the United States almost certain to implode because it's so polarized, what confidence do you have that the NHL and players' union will be able to avoid a lengthy lockout before signing a new collective bargaining agreement?
Player: I don't know that this is the proper setting, Shemp, to engage in speculation as to how those contract talks will work themselves out but I can say with full certainty that the two sides have learned from the hard lessons of previous negotiations and will studiously strive to avoid all contentiousnesses in order to arrive at a deal that's beneficial to all parties and will bring no grief to our fans who are the world's
TV personality: Sorry, Bob, I'll have to cut you off there, the second period's just started.
Player: Understood, Shemp. Back here again, second intermission?
TV personality: You betcha.
(Jan. 26, 2019)
No. 14 in interviews with players during intermission that we'd like to see:
TV personality: The shots, 29-4, suggest your team was badly outplayed in the first period, Bob, and you're lucky to be up 1-0. Is that how you see it?
Player: Hell, no. Only half of their shots were from what you would call prime scoring locations. And their forwards are not exactly gifted as scorers. Most of their shots hit our goalie in the chest which if fortunate because Bortsky's not known for his positioning. Or lateral movement. Or sobriety the second game of a back-to-back when he didn't think he'd be playing two in a row.
TV personality: Still, your team managed only four shots on net, Bob, and the goal happened when you were going to be called for a penalty but one of their players passed it back to the point when there was no one there and it went into the empty net.
Player (chuckling): That was a good one, wasn't it? And to think I got credit for the goal having been the last player on our side to touch the puck before I rammed Pilsky into the boards from behind. I think that goal threw off their power play. You notice they didn't pass it back to the point once.
That hit might have been the TSN Turning Point in the game.
TV personality: Bob, Sportsnet's doing the game tonight.
Player: Oh. [awkward silence]
Player: So, Bob, do you think your team can hang on for two more periods and get the win?
Player: Well, Shemp, people will tell you you have to play 60 minutes to win. But that's a bit much to expect of a team playing its second game in two days after spending the night on the plane from Los Angeles to New York for a matinee match.
Whoever drew up the schedule should be shot. Not that I'm suggesting any of our fans do that, or even go on Google to find out his name and shame him on social media.
But to get back to your original question, Shemp, I can't make any promises about the team playing a 60-minute game. But I will tell you this: We will keep our uniforms on for 60 minutes. And I'm warning the other team right now, don't even think about trying to undress our goalie. There will be consequences. Seeing Bortsky in his underwear, for one.
TV personality: One last question, Bob. With tensions on the rise around the world and the United States almost certain to implode because it's so polarized, what confidence do you have that the NHL and players' union will be able to avoid a lengthy lockout before signing a new collective bargaining agreement?
Player: I don't know that this is the proper setting, Shemp, to engage in speculation as to how those contract talks will work themselves out but I can say with full certainty that the two sides have learned from the hard lessons of previous negotiations and will studiously strive to avoid all contentiousnesses in order to arrive at a deal that's beneficial to all parties and will bring no grief to our fans who are the world's
TV personality: Sorry, Bob, I'll have to cut you off there, the second period's just started.
Player: Understood, Shemp. Back here again, second intermission?
TV personality: You betcha.
Gallagher set to become lifeblood of Canadiens
(Jan. 9, 2019)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have ordered blood transfusions for all their players – except Brendan Gallagher, who will be the program's sole donor.
“Unfortunately his play alone isn't enough to serve as an example for how much effort his teammates should expend on every shift, so we've had to take the next step available to us,” general manager Marc Bergevin said.
“Luckily he's Type O negative, so every player can receive his blood.”
Bergevin acknowledged some players will need more than a pint to transform their game to “Tasmanian Devil levels.”
“(Jonathan) Drouin will probably require a quart to start with and be topped up during intermissions,” he said. “Gally said he doesn't mind. Anything to help the team.”
Bergevin said the Canadiens will exercise caution in administering the transfusions, taking care “not to drain” Gallagher of his energy.
“Our doctors tell us we can safely draw a pint from No. 11 once a day, which is pretty good for a half-pint.”
Bergevin said “the jury is still out on whether blood transfusions are transformative but we're confident Gallagher's life force will make a difference. Look how often giving a guy a bloody nose in a fight lifts a lacklustre team, and spurs the players to try harder. ”
“Gally's blood will pack a punch -- but not in a violent way.”
The first two Canadiens to receive his vital fluid will be Phillip Danault and Tomas Tatar.
“We're gonna call the three of them the IV line,” Bergevin quipped. “And just to be clear, I'm not talking fourth line.”
He expects other GMs will guffaw when they hear what he's planning.
“They'll call me a fool for taking blood from one player and putting it into another and thinking it will work,” Bergevin said. “They'll say it's in vein.”
“But we'll prove them wrong, you wait and see.”
Bergevin said Canadien researchers are also working on an elixir that isn't an invasive as blood transfusions.
“I can't say much about about it except it involves a lot of sweat. And possibly urine.”
Update: It's now being reported the Ottawa Senators briefly considered going the same route as the Canadiens, and were gung ho having their top forward, who's among the league leaders in takeaways, as the donor but the idea was nixed, said an insider, when the team realized "you can't get blood from a Stone."
From the Lou Shrapnel Files: The Christmas Spat
(Dec. 24, 2018)
It was Santa on the phone, sounding agitated, no hint of jolly in his voice.
He had a job for me. Again.
First one was back in '89 when the elves went on strike over poor working conditions, said Santa kept the heat down low in the their workshop because their bodies “are so small they don't need as much heat to keep them warm.”
They weren't happy with their outfits either. Especially the shoes.
I soon put a stop to it by bringing in some muscle – dwarfs: Nasty, Creepy, Meanie, Sleazy, Angry, Dic and Bashful. Not that Bashful. BASHful.
I wasn't happy about it – the elves had a point, and not just on their shoes -- but a job's a job and a man's got to live.
But if you know me you know I also stick up for the little guy, especially the ones who made my View Master, electric football game and cap gun way back when I was a kid.
It was the cap gun that steered me, Lou Shrapnel, into becoming a private eye.
I loved having a pistol in my hand because it evened the playing field, and that's what I had the day I went to Santa to collect my money for services rendered.
I showed him my heater and told him it was time he bought a dozen for so for his elves, and I made clear I was talking about the kind that keeps people warm, not scared.
He put me on the Naughty List that day – and speed dial. He knew I was a man of integrity – with rates 30 per cent below the average for my profession.
I've done a few assignments for him since, the last one being retrieving all the pics he had sent to a stripper by the name of Marie Christmas. They were photos of his North Pole sent in a moment of weakness.
“Too much rum and not enough egg in the nog that night,” he said dejectedly.
I collected my thoughts before they drifted away out on the Arctic Ocean – I remember when it used to have ice – and returned to paying attention to what was Santa was saying. Yelling.
Apparently I had to “Do something!” right away: Find Rudolph.
He had gone missing.
II
How could he go missing, I thought, with a schnozz that glows? Satellites pick it up all the time.
But he had and Santa was frantic.
“Who was going to lead his sleigh Christmas Eve?” he whined.
Big guys shouldn't whine. It's very unbecoming. And Santa was becoming unhinged the longer he wailed.
“Get a grip, big fella,” I counselled, which set him off to bemoaning even louder.
“What do I need a suitcase for?” he bellowed with large dollops of self-pity. “I got a bag that it carries everything!”
I sighed. Loud enough several times to make him finally stop. He gave out a final sob and then subsided.
I promised him I'd find Rudolph and hung up. I mean clicked.
I turned to my client on the other side of the desk and said: “He wants you home, Rudy.”
Rudolph scowled and his nose flashed. In Norse code. It was saying: No way!
“No way!” he snarled, as if I couldn't read noses. Me, an expert in body language – every single part. Don't believe me? Show me just an elbow and say something, I'll tell you if you're lying or not.
“You got to, Rudy, millions of kids and their parents are counting on you,” I told him, in a kindly but steely way.
He shook his head and stomped his hooves.
“No! No! No!” he shouted.
“No need to get hoofy,” I responded, and laid a calming hand on his head.
He quieted down, after an “Ouch!” or two. '
I like my fingernails long.
“What's your problem? Santa putting sawdust in the oats? Making overtures to Bambi? Cutting back the rest stops to one per continent?” I asked, reciting rumours that had been published in Factual News outlets.
“No, nothing like that. Worse,” he replied.
My curiosity piqued, I inquired further, drawing upon my 35 years of being in the business of making people talk.
“Uh?”
That opened the floodgates of pent-up emotions that Rudolph had been fighting to keep inside but which had driven him to flee Santa Claus Lane in search of sanctuary.
It wasn't a pretty story. Santa had sold him out!
The bastard!
III
It seems Nick the Alleged Saint had struck a deal with the National Hockey League to have Rudolph attend every home game of the Seattle expansion team to promote ticket sales. The hook was, every time the team scored his nose would flash! Just like those Budweiser glass tumblers.
“I feel so used and betrayed,” he said with a tremble in his voice.
I felt the anger rising inside me.
How could Santa be so heartless as to turn a beloved Christmas icon into a commodity! Is nothing sacred!?
I put a reassuring arm around Rudolph and consoled him with comforting words.
“There, there,” I said.
Okay, one word said twice. Big deal. It was the thought that counts.
I lifted up his chin, looked him straight in the eye – or a close as I could because his nose was shining pretty brightly by that point – and said: “I'll make this right.”
IV
I didn't even bother knocking when I stormed into Santa's workshop the next morning. He was stunned to see me there and flattened after I popped him in the nose. It was cherry red for real now.
I ignored the applause of the elves as I helped Santa stagger to his feet, wiping his nose with his beard.
He had a hurt look, not just from the pain caused by the blow I had delivered, but the anguish that comes from being attacked by a trusted hired hand who had dared raised his hand.
What had he done to deserve such an assault?
I didn't mince words, as I meted retribution in a voice so tart it cut him to the quick.
He bowed his head in shame and discomfort, the latter from the headlock, I suppose.
I withdrew my one-armed embrace to let him speak freely.
Santa fought back tears and nasal mucus as he struggled to justify his foul deed.
“When Bettman approached me about using Rudolph to build interest in the new team I thought it was a great idea,” he said. “It will get the puck rolling for season ticket sales and it will promote the Claus© brand long before Yuletide kicks in. The day after Thanksgiving just doesn't cut it anymore.”
“Besides, why should I provide room and board 24/7/365 for someone who works ONE night a year! He needs to bring more to the table than a huge appetite. At least the others work the off-season for courier companies.”
What Santa said made sense, I had to admit. Rudolph had gotten too big for his breeching.
It was time he began to pull his weight on days other than Christmas Eve.
V
Things went better than I planned. The hardest part was getting Santa and Rudolph in the same room together, their ill-will by then had grown so strong, but I did, with a bit of cajolery for Santa and some celery for Rudolph.
We worked out a deal that was satisfying for both: The two would split the fee for his attending all the home games of the Seattle Seabirds© as well as divvy up the royalties for the Seabird Red Noses that fans would purchase to put on every time the home team scored.
Me, I got a nice little stipend for my troubles – and an original Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Laboratory I never got when I was seven, even though I had been relatively good that year.
This Christmas is turning out to be super special!
Hope yours does as well.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
(You, too, Marie.)
(Dec. 24, 2018)
It was Santa on the phone, sounding agitated, no hint of jolly in his voice.
He had a job for me. Again.
First one was back in '89 when the elves went on strike over poor working conditions, said Santa kept the heat down low in the their workshop because their bodies “are so small they don't need as much heat to keep them warm.”
They weren't happy with their outfits either. Especially the shoes.
I soon put a stop to it by bringing in some muscle – dwarfs: Nasty, Creepy, Meanie, Sleazy, Angry, Dic and Bashful. Not that Bashful. BASHful.
I wasn't happy about it – the elves had a point, and not just on their shoes -- but a job's a job and a man's got to live.
But if you know me you know I also stick up for the little guy, especially the ones who made my View Master, electric football game and cap gun way back when I was a kid.
It was the cap gun that steered me, Lou Shrapnel, into becoming a private eye.
I loved having a pistol in my hand because it evened the playing field, and that's what I had the day I went to Santa to collect my money for services rendered.
I showed him my heater and told him it was time he bought a dozen for so for his elves, and I made clear I was talking about the kind that keeps people warm, not scared.
He put me on the Naughty List that day – and speed dial. He knew I was a man of integrity – with rates 30 per cent below the average for my profession.
I've done a few assignments for him since, the last one being retrieving all the pics he had sent to a stripper by the name of Marie Christmas. They were photos of his North Pole sent in a moment of weakness.
“Too much rum and not enough egg in the nog that night,” he said dejectedly.
I collected my thoughts before they drifted away out on the Arctic Ocean – I remember when it used to have ice – and returned to paying attention to what was Santa was saying. Yelling.
Apparently I had to “Do something!” right away: Find Rudolph.
He had gone missing.
II
How could he go missing, I thought, with a schnozz that glows? Satellites pick it up all the time.
But he had and Santa was frantic.
“Who was going to lead his sleigh Christmas Eve?” he whined.
Big guys shouldn't whine. It's very unbecoming. And Santa was becoming unhinged the longer he wailed.
“Get a grip, big fella,” I counselled, which set him off to bemoaning even louder.
“What do I need a suitcase for?” he bellowed with large dollops of self-pity. “I got a bag that it carries everything!”
I sighed. Loud enough several times to make him finally stop. He gave out a final sob and then subsided.
I promised him I'd find Rudolph and hung up. I mean clicked.
I turned to my client on the other side of the desk and said: “He wants you home, Rudy.”
Rudolph scowled and his nose flashed. In Norse code. It was saying: No way!
“No way!” he snarled, as if I couldn't read noses. Me, an expert in body language – every single part. Don't believe me? Show me just an elbow and say something, I'll tell you if you're lying or not.
“You got to, Rudy, millions of kids and their parents are counting on you,” I told him, in a kindly but steely way.
He shook his head and stomped his hooves.
“No! No! No!” he shouted.
“No need to get hoofy,” I responded, and laid a calming hand on his head.
He quieted down, after an “Ouch!” or two. '
I like my fingernails long.
“What's your problem? Santa putting sawdust in the oats? Making overtures to Bambi? Cutting back the rest stops to one per continent?” I asked, reciting rumours that had been published in Factual News outlets.
“No, nothing like that. Worse,” he replied.
My curiosity piqued, I inquired further, drawing upon my 35 years of being in the business of making people talk.
“Uh?”
That opened the floodgates of pent-up emotions that Rudolph had been fighting to keep inside but which had driven him to flee Santa Claus Lane in search of sanctuary.
It wasn't a pretty story. Santa had sold him out!
The bastard!
III
It seems Nick the Alleged Saint had struck a deal with the National Hockey League to have Rudolph attend every home game of the Seattle expansion team to promote ticket sales. The hook was, every time the team scored his nose would flash! Just like those Budweiser glass tumblers.
“I feel so used and betrayed,” he said with a tremble in his voice.
I felt the anger rising inside me.
How could Santa be so heartless as to turn a beloved Christmas icon into a commodity! Is nothing sacred!?
I put a reassuring arm around Rudolph and consoled him with comforting words.
“There, there,” I said.
Okay, one word said twice. Big deal. It was the thought that counts.
I lifted up his chin, looked him straight in the eye – or a close as I could because his nose was shining pretty brightly by that point – and said: “I'll make this right.”
IV
I didn't even bother knocking when I stormed into Santa's workshop the next morning. He was stunned to see me there and flattened after I popped him in the nose. It was cherry red for real now.
I ignored the applause of the elves as I helped Santa stagger to his feet, wiping his nose with his beard.
He had a hurt look, not just from the pain caused by the blow I had delivered, but the anguish that comes from being attacked by a trusted hired hand who had dared raised his hand.
What had he done to deserve such an assault?
I didn't mince words, as I meted retribution in a voice so tart it cut him to the quick.
He bowed his head in shame and discomfort, the latter from the headlock, I suppose.
I withdrew my one-armed embrace to let him speak freely.
Santa fought back tears and nasal mucus as he struggled to justify his foul deed.
“When Bettman approached me about using Rudolph to build interest in the new team I thought it was a great idea,” he said. “It will get the puck rolling for season ticket sales and it will promote the Claus© brand long before Yuletide kicks in. The day after Thanksgiving just doesn't cut it anymore.”
“Besides, why should I provide room and board 24/7/365 for someone who works ONE night a year! He needs to bring more to the table than a huge appetite. At least the others work the off-season for courier companies.”
What Santa said made sense, I had to admit. Rudolph had gotten too big for his breeching.
It was time he began to pull his weight on days other than Christmas Eve.
V
Things went better than I planned. The hardest part was getting Santa and Rudolph in the same room together, their ill-will by then had grown so strong, but I did, with a bit of cajolery for Santa and some celery for Rudolph.
We worked out a deal that was satisfying for both: The two would split the fee for his attending all the home games of the Seattle Seabirds© as well as divvy up the royalties for the Seabird Red Noses that fans would purchase to put on every time the home team scored.
Me, I got a nice little stipend for my troubles – and an original Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Laboratory I never got when I was seven, even though I had been relatively good that year.
This Christmas is turning out to be super special!
Hope yours does as well.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
(You, too, Marie.)
There's less than meets the eye?
(Dec. 15, 2018)
I think I accidentally wandered into Bizarro world a few minutes back. Here's what I found: Benn is plus-four.
If, however, I never left Earth, there are several possible explanations for this extraordindary fact:
1.) He had a couple of really, REALLY good games along the way where he was plus-17
2.) He's best bud with the guy who keeps track of plus-minus for the league
3.) Whenever he's caught pinching at the other blueline, he goes for a change while trailing the play
4.) He's underrated and over-berated
5.) Plus-minus as a stat isn't telltale, it's more a tall tale
(Dec. 15, 2018)
I think I accidentally wandered into Bizarro world a few minutes back. Here's what I found: Benn is plus-four.
If, however, I never left Earth, there are several possible explanations for this extraordindary fact:
1.) He had a couple of really, REALLY good games along the way where he was plus-17
2.) He's best bud with the guy who keeps track of plus-minus for the league
3.) Whenever he's caught pinching at the other blueline, he goes for a change while trailing the play
4.) He's underrated and over-berated
5.) Plus-minus as a stat isn't telltale, it's more a tall tale
Weber to go it alone
(Dec. 1, 2018)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have announced that captain Shea Weber will play without a defensive partner the rest of the season.
“Why are we wracking our brains trying to find a fit for Weber when it's clear he's good enough to play alone on the back end?” a member of the team's coaching staff and former NHL defenceman asked, requesting anonymity.
“We finally came to our senses we haven't anyone to match his skill set so we gave in to reality and told Weber he's on his own. Weber took it well, saying, “I've known it for a while.”
The 4-1-1 alignment will require some adjustment for forwards unaccustomed to spending much time in their own end but the assistant coach said he's confident Weber will get them attuned to the new system in short order, especially when he goes over missed assignments with them on the bench.
“He's very much a hands-on teacher,” the coach said.
The unique approach the team is taking “will also eliminate miscommunication between two rearguards in front of the net, behind the net, to the side of the net, along the boards, away from the boards, over the boards, on the bench, in the hallway, ” he added.
“People will think Shea is talking to himself when it's actually it's his left side of his brain telling his body's right side what to do. Same thing with the right side of the brain and the left side of the body. It's good when everyone stays in touch.”
The coach said said singling out Weber will help with the pairings of the other blueliners.
“They all look ineffective at various points in a game but we no longer have to worry about picking the best of a bad lot to line up beside Weber. That will allow us more time to concentrate on improving their play. Which is why we've given ourselves the rest of the season to do it.”
(Dec. 1, 2018)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have announced that captain Shea Weber will play without a defensive partner the rest of the season.
“Why are we wracking our brains trying to find a fit for Weber when it's clear he's good enough to play alone on the back end?” a member of the team's coaching staff and former NHL defenceman asked, requesting anonymity.
“We finally came to our senses we haven't anyone to match his skill set so we gave in to reality and told Weber he's on his own. Weber took it well, saying, “I've known it for a while.”
The 4-1-1 alignment will require some adjustment for forwards unaccustomed to spending much time in their own end but the assistant coach said he's confident Weber will get them attuned to the new system in short order, especially when he goes over missed assignments with them on the bench.
“He's very much a hands-on teacher,” the coach said.
The unique approach the team is taking “will also eliminate miscommunication between two rearguards in front of the net, behind the net, to the side of the net, along the boards, away from the boards, over the boards, on the bench, in the hallway, ” he added.
“People will think Shea is talking to himself when it's actually it's his left side of his brain telling his body's right side what to do. Same thing with the right side of the brain and the left side of the body. It's good when everyone stays in touch.”
The coach said said singling out Weber will help with the pairings of the other blueliners.
“They all look ineffective at various points in a game but we no longer have to worry about picking the best of a bad lot to line up beside Weber. That will allow us more time to concentrate on improving their play. Which is why we've given ourselves the rest of the season to do it.”
Bill the Bard talks Habs
(Nov. 26, 2018)
The Montreal Canadiens' four-game slide has legendary sportswriter Bill Shakespeare wondering if the bloom is off the rose. Or whatever name you want to call it.
Here's his podcast with another legendary sportswriter, Milt Dunno:
Dunno: Bill, you've covered sports here in Montreal for what seems like centuries, so you know how attached fans are to the Canadiens. The team wasn't expected to do well this season then it got off to such a fast start that fans started thinking playoffs. But with the team having lost four in a row, what are people in the city thinking today? Do they see it as a blip or an omen?
Shakespeare: Now is the winter of our discontent.
Dunno: So it's gonna be a long season is what you're saying.
Shakespeare: What's past is prologue.
Dunno: That's a pretty short sample size, Bill – four games.
[Shakespeare raises his eyebrows]
Dunno: Oh, you're referring to those other seasons when the Canadiens were gangbusters out of the gate ... and out of the playoffs. Got it.
The defence has come under a lot of criticism, playing out of position -- in more ways than one. What advice would you give to them, Bill?
Shakespeare: Be who you are not what the world wants you to be.
Dunno: Sounds like a one-way ticket to Laval. That's not exactly a Who's Who behind the blueline there, Bill.
Look what Montreal did with Alzner today, put him on waivers. Which is understandable, the game has passed him by – it and a bunch of forwards.
Shakespeare: The inaudible and noiseless foot of time.
Dunno: Yeah, you got that right, Bill. He's only 30 and time still caught up with him. Players get sent off for a slewfoot, Alzner got sent away for a slowfoot
Speaking of bad contracts, Carey Price has shown flashes of his former brilliance but there've been too many lapses in his play to suggest he'll ever earn that eight-year, $84 million contract extension he was given. What are the team's options?
Shakespeare: What's done cannot be undone.
Dunno: You're wrong, Bill. The Canadiens will come undone exactly because of what Bergie's done.
And what's happened to Price anyways? Is he hurt? Having problems at home? Getting tired of being accosted every time he goes out in public?
[Shakespeare shakes his head]: Nothing is bad or good but thinking makes it so.
Dunno: His confidence has taken a hit. [Nods] You're probably right.
On a brighter note, what do you think of the rookie, Jesperi Kotkaniemi? Sure, he's made a few mistakes but what rookie doesn't. Is he the team's next superstar?
Shakespeare: He wears the rose of youth upon him.
Dunno: Another Flower?! Wow! Words of high praise, indeed, my friend. You're that high on him, eh? You really think the team was right to keep him on the roster and not send him down?
Shakespeare: What's to come is still unsure: In delay there lies no plenty.
Dunno: My feeling exactly, Bill.
Well, friend, I see by the clock on the wall our time's up. You got anything for Hab fans. They're feeling really blue with the team in a tailspin.
Shakespeare: The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.
Dunno: That's a bit harsh, Bill. Why are you being so hard on them, calling them miserable? Or is it les miserables, like Trump's deplorables? Cut them some slack. They just want to see their team make the playoffs, that's all. And when the team was playing like it actually could happen this season ...
Shakespeare [snorts]: Expectation is the root of all heartache.
Dunno [sigh]: You're right, Bill. As usual. Well, fans, that's it for me and Shakesy. Hope you enjoyed the podcast. Any last words, Bill?
Shakespeare: God send every one their heart's desire!
Dunno: That's the spirit! Don't leave them feeling low. See you next week, Habbers.
[whispers to Shakespeare] Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance? [eyes open wide] Hey, that sounds pretty good. You might want to use it in one of your columns, Bill.
(Nov. 26, 2018)
The Montreal Canadiens' four-game slide has legendary sportswriter Bill Shakespeare wondering if the bloom is off the rose. Or whatever name you want to call it.
Here's his podcast with another legendary sportswriter, Milt Dunno:
Dunno: Bill, you've covered sports here in Montreal for what seems like centuries, so you know how attached fans are to the Canadiens. The team wasn't expected to do well this season then it got off to such a fast start that fans started thinking playoffs. But with the team having lost four in a row, what are people in the city thinking today? Do they see it as a blip or an omen?
Shakespeare: Now is the winter of our discontent.
Dunno: So it's gonna be a long season is what you're saying.
Shakespeare: What's past is prologue.
Dunno: That's a pretty short sample size, Bill – four games.
[Shakespeare raises his eyebrows]
Dunno: Oh, you're referring to those other seasons when the Canadiens were gangbusters out of the gate ... and out of the playoffs. Got it.
The defence has come under a lot of criticism, playing out of position -- in more ways than one. What advice would you give to them, Bill?
Shakespeare: Be who you are not what the world wants you to be.
Dunno: Sounds like a one-way ticket to Laval. That's not exactly a Who's Who behind the blueline there, Bill.
Look what Montreal did with Alzner today, put him on waivers. Which is understandable, the game has passed him by – it and a bunch of forwards.
Shakespeare: The inaudible and noiseless foot of time.
Dunno: Yeah, you got that right, Bill. He's only 30 and time still caught up with him. Players get sent off for a slewfoot, Alzner got sent away for a slowfoot
Speaking of bad contracts, Carey Price has shown flashes of his former brilliance but there've been too many lapses in his play to suggest he'll ever earn that eight-year, $84 million contract extension he was given. What are the team's options?
Shakespeare: What's done cannot be undone.
Dunno: You're wrong, Bill. The Canadiens will come undone exactly because of what Bergie's done.
And what's happened to Price anyways? Is he hurt? Having problems at home? Getting tired of being accosted every time he goes out in public?
[Shakespeare shakes his head]: Nothing is bad or good but thinking makes it so.
Dunno: His confidence has taken a hit. [Nods] You're probably right.
On a brighter note, what do you think of the rookie, Jesperi Kotkaniemi? Sure, he's made a few mistakes but what rookie doesn't. Is he the team's next superstar?
Shakespeare: He wears the rose of youth upon him.
Dunno: Another Flower?! Wow! Words of high praise, indeed, my friend. You're that high on him, eh? You really think the team was right to keep him on the roster and not send him down?
Shakespeare: What's to come is still unsure: In delay there lies no plenty.
Dunno: My feeling exactly, Bill.
Well, friend, I see by the clock on the wall our time's up. You got anything for Hab fans. They're feeling really blue with the team in a tailspin.
Shakespeare: The miserable have no other medicine, but only hope.
Dunno: That's a bit harsh, Bill. Why are you being so hard on them, calling them miserable? Or is it les miserables, like Trump's deplorables? Cut them some slack. They just want to see their team make the playoffs, that's all. And when the team was playing like it actually could happen this season ...
Shakespeare [snorts]: Expectation is the root of all heartache.
Dunno [sigh]: You're right, Bill. As usual. Well, fans, that's it for me and Shakesy. Hope you enjoyed the podcast. Any last words, Bill?
Shakespeare: God send every one their heart's desire!
Dunno: That's the spirit! Don't leave them feeling low. See you next week, Habbers.
[whispers to Shakespeare] Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance? [eyes open wide] Hey, that sounds pretty good. You might want to use it in one of your columns, Bill.
Weber won't be wearing the C after all
(Nov. 21, 2018)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have traded their captain, Shea Weber.
“He was proving to be too much of a distraction, just like our last captain,” general manager Marc Bergevin said in explaining why he decided to swap Weber for a first round pick in 2020 from the Toronto Maple Leafs along with future considerations.
Bergevin said the future considerations include getting an invite to be part of the parade “if the Leafs win the Cup this season, which now seems likely with Shea in the lineup.”
Weber, who's still recovering from surgery on his right knee, was named team captain Oct. 1 but never got to wear the C, at least on a game sweater.
He was frequently spotted around Montreal with one on his jacket, or on his hat. He even wore a C on his pajamas, which he modelled on his Facebook page.
Bergevin praised Weber for the pride he showed in being chosen the Canadiens' 30th captain in team history but his “not being able to play really messed up things for us.”
“Yeah, I knew he had an operation and wouldn't be able to play for months but I didn't realize his absence would hurt team morale so much,” he said.
“It's affecting the play of our defence. They're all on tenterhooks – it is tenterhooks, right? -- not knowing if they'll be the one who's made a healthy scratch or let go when Weber returns. You've seen how it's been affecting their play. It's like they're always looking over their shoulder. Which I wish they would do more often, if only to see who's standing uncovered in front of Price. It's a good thing we have an offensive juggernaut to compensate for their lapses. It is juggernaut, right?”
Bergevin said he tried to convince all the rearguards not to worry, that their tenure with the team was not in jeopardy.
“In hindsight, I probably should have looked them in the eye when I said it,” he admitted.
Bergevin said he had issues with Weber's predecessor, Max Pacioretty, whose continued captaincy also proved to be a distraction.
“But at least he played. Or dressed,” he said.
“We still don't know when Weber will be able to return but the longer he hung around the team the more our blueliners were feeling blue. That's why we sent him to the Leafs, where he'll fit right in.”
When reached by telegram, Weber offered “No comment,' saying he didn't want his “hatred of Bergevin” to be a distraction with his new team.
He also served notice he won't be returning the C. He's going to use it as an incentive whenever he plays the Canadiens.
“It will be a constant reminder that I was cashiered,” he said.
(Nov. 21, 2018)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have traded their captain, Shea Weber.
“He was proving to be too much of a distraction, just like our last captain,” general manager Marc Bergevin said in explaining why he decided to swap Weber for a first round pick in 2020 from the Toronto Maple Leafs along with future considerations.
Bergevin said the future considerations include getting an invite to be part of the parade “if the Leafs win the Cup this season, which now seems likely with Shea in the lineup.”
Weber, who's still recovering from surgery on his right knee, was named team captain Oct. 1 but never got to wear the C, at least on a game sweater.
He was frequently spotted around Montreal with one on his jacket, or on his hat. He even wore a C on his pajamas, which he modelled on his Facebook page.
Bergevin praised Weber for the pride he showed in being chosen the Canadiens' 30th captain in team history but his “not being able to play really messed up things for us.”
“Yeah, I knew he had an operation and wouldn't be able to play for months but I didn't realize his absence would hurt team morale so much,” he said.
“It's affecting the play of our defence. They're all on tenterhooks – it is tenterhooks, right? -- not knowing if they'll be the one who's made a healthy scratch or let go when Weber returns. You've seen how it's been affecting their play. It's like they're always looking over their shoulder. Which I wish they would do more often, if only to see who's standing uncovered in front of Price. It's a good thing we have an offensive juggernaut to compensate for their lapses. It is juggernaut, right?”
Bergevin said he tried to convince all the rearguards not to worry, that their tenure with the team was not in jeopardy.
“In hindsight, I probably should have looked them in the eye when I said it,” he admitted.
Bergevin said he had issues with Weber's predecessor, Max Pacioretty, whose continued captaincy also proved to be a distraction.
“But at least he played. Or dressed,” he said.
“We still don't know when Weber will be able to return but the longer he hung around the team the more our blueliners were feeling blue. That's why we sent him to the Leafs, where he'll fit right in.”
When reached by telegram, Weber offered “No comment,' saying he didn't want his “hatred of Bergevin” to be a distraction with his new team.
He also served notice he won't be returning the C. He's going to use it as an incentive whenever he plays the Canadiens.
“It will be a constant reminder that I was cashiered,” he said.
Names have changed, but not the thinking
(July 15, 2016)
I am determined to enjoy the coming season by thinking Molson is a twit, Bergevin is a boob, Therrien is a buffoon, Weber is a turnstile, Pacioretty is a milquetoast, Plekanec is a zombie, Radulov is a headcase, Desharnais is a lapdog, Markov is a tortoise, Beaulieu is a dud, Emelin is a dolt, Flynn is a flop, Mitchell is a cipher, and Petry is a cream puff.
That way I’ll be pleasantly surprised whenever the team gets a loser point.
I haven’t lowered my expectations. I’ve buried them.
(July 15, 2016)
I am determined to enjoy the coming season by thinking Molson is a twit, Bergevin is a boob, Therrien is a buffoon, Weber is a turnstile, Pacioretty is a milquetoast, Plekanec is a zombie, Radulov is a headcase, Desharnais is a lapdog, Markov is a tortoise, Beaulieu is a dud, Emelin is a dolt, Flynn is a flop, Mitchell is a cipher, and Petry is a cream puff.
That way I’ll be pleasantly surprised whenever the team gets a loser point.
I haven’t lowered my expectations. I’ve buried them.
No baby steps for Weber's return
(Oct. 13, 2018)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens officials are downplaying Shea Weber's 10-minute skate on Thursday, saying the veteran defenceman still has a ways to go in his recovery from knee surgery, but privately they're ecstatic by what they saw.
They're convinced he'll be back in the lineup in another 10 days – all because of an experimental procedure that Weber underwent at the team's insistence to protect its investment.
Rather than simply repair a torn miscus, surgeons “enhanced” both of Weber's legs with parts from a kangaroo's lower limbs.
“Muscles and tendons, things like that,” said a highly placed official.
“It was a gamble, no doubt, because you never know how a body will react to being augmented with animal tissue, especially a kangaroo's. But he's been improving by leaps and bounds.”
“There's definitely a spring in his step now that wasn't there before, he's so pleased with how well the operation went,” the official said.
It was touch-and-go at first whether on not the surgery would work.
Weber feared he wouldn't be able to bounce back from what was a complicated surgery.
But those worries disappeared as soon as he went for his skate, the official said.
“Now he's anxious to play his first game of the season, he can't wait to hop over the boards.”
Weber's unorthodox new skating style is sure to draw comment from around the National Hockey League, especially ridicule from fans of opposing teams.
But they won't be laughing for long when they see him getting the jump on opponents, the official said.
“He'll make them rue the day they laughed at him.”
(Oct. 13, 2018)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens officials are downplaying Shea Weber's 10-minute skate on Thursday, saying the veteran defenceman still has a ways to go in his recovery from knee surgery, but privately they're ecstatic by what they saw.
They're convinced he'll be back in the lineup in another 10 days – all because of an experimental procedure that Weber underwent at the team's insistence to protect its investment.
Rather than simply repair a torn miscus, surgeons “enhanced” both of Weber's legs with parts from a kangaroo's lower limbs.
“Muscles and tendons, things like that,” said a highly placed official.
“It was a gamble, no doubt, because you never know how a body will react to being augmented with animal tissue, especially a kangaroo's. But he's been improving by leaps and bounds.”
“There's definitely a spring in his step now that wasn't there before, he's so pleased with how well the operation went,” the official said.
It was touch-and-go at first whether on not the surgery would work.
Weber feared he wouldn't be able to bounce back from what was a complicated surgery.
But those worries disappeared as soon as he went for his skate, the official said.
“Now he's anxious to play his first game of the season, he can't wait to hop over the boards.”
Weber's unorthodox new skating style is sure to draw comment from around the National Hockey League, especially ridicule from fans of opposing teams.
But they won't be laughing for long when they see him getting the jump on opponents, the official said.
“He'll make them rue the day they laughed at him.”
Price shocks Canadiens with trade demand
(Oct. 5, 2018)
Montreal – Just one game into his eight-year $84-million contract extension, goaltender Carey Price has stunned the Montreal Canadiens by asking for a trade.
Three in fact: Jordie Benn, Jeff Petry and Karl Alzner.
Although the team played well in its season opener, losing 3-2 in overtime to the Toronto Maple Leafs, Price is convinced his defence corps is too mistake-prone to provide him much protection.
“He doesn't want another season where his save percentage is in danger of slipping below .900,” said a source familiar with Price's thinking and shaving cologne preferences.
He finished with a save percentage of .885 in Wednesday's loss, “and couldn't sleep the rest of the night,” the source said in a low whisper.
By the next morning he had convinced himself he needed to act now before fatigue took over, the source added with a knowing glance.
Price arranged to meet general manager Marc Bergevin in private that afternoon to express his concerns about where the team was headed, and suggested it should be “out the door” for a few of his rearguards.
Price was dismissive of Benn's and Petry's play and suggested Alzner's reputation as an iron man had less to do with his consecutive game streak than it did his limited mobility.
“He's no Tony Stark on blades,” the source said in an asnide.
Alzner's streak came to an end Wednesday when he was made a healthy scratch, which Price noted “somewhat sarcastically,' reduced his on-ice mistakes “exponentially,” the source disclosed a trifle embarrassingly.
The goaltender, who has fallen out of favour with many Hab fans, complained about the ridicule he's had to endure the past year from critics who say his play has tailed off.
He agrees with them, to a degree, saying he has played his butt off, but “what thanks does he get – doctored photos showing him letting in a beach ball. He wonders why the same photo doesn't show his defencemen skating in sand, because that's how it appears most games,” the source said, reading from his notes.
Bergevin wouldn't commit to engineering any trade, saying it's “two games too early to panic,” but he assured Price he would scour the Kontinental Hockey League “to find another Jerabek,” the source said.
The assurance seemed to mollify Price, who agreed to hold off making his trade demands public “for now” to give Bergevin time “to right the ship before exhaustion forces him to the sidelines once again,” the source said, as he finished putting on his pads and headed out to practice.
(save percentage for 2017-18 corrected, researcher sent to bed early Oct. 6, 2018)
(Oct. 5, 2018)
Montreal – Just one game into his eight-year $84-million contract extension, goaltender Carey Price has stunned the Montreal Canadiens by asking for a trade.
Three in fact: Jordie Benn, Jeff Petry and Karl Alzner.
Although the team played well in its season opener, losing 3-2 in overtime to the Toronto Maple Leafs, Price is convinced his defence corps is too mistake-prone to provide him much protection.
“He doesn't want another season where his save percentage is in danger of slipping below .900,” said a source familiar with Price's thinking and shaving cologne preferences.
He finished with a save percentage of .885 in Wednesday's loss, “and couldn't sleep the rest of the night,” the source said in a low whisper.
By the next morning he had convinced himself he needed to act now before fatigue took over, the source added with a knowing glance.
Price arranged to meet general manager Marc Bergevin in private that afternoon to express his concerns about where the team was headed, and suggested it should be “out the door” for a few of his rearguards.
Price was dismissive of Benn's and Petry's play and suggested Alzner's reputation as an iron man had less to do with his consecutive game streak than it did his limited mobility.
“He's no Tony Stark on blades,” the source said in an asnide.
Alzner's streak came to an end Wednesday when he was made a healthy scratch, which Price noted “somewhat sarcastically,' reduced his on-ice mistakes “exponentially,” the source disclosed a trifle embarrassingly.
The goaltender, who has fallen out of favour with many Hab fans, complained about the ridicule he's had to endure the past year from critics who say his play has tailed off.
He agrees with them, to a degree, saying he has played his butt off, but “what thanks does he get – doctored photos showing him letting in a beach ball. He wonders why the same photo doesn't show his defencemen skating in sand, because that's how it appears most games,” the source said, reading from his notes.
Bergevin wouldn't commit to engineering any trade, saying it's “two games too early to panic,” but he assured Price he would scour the Kontinental Hockey League “to find another Jerabek,” the source said.
The assurance seemed to mollify Price, who agreed to hold off making his trade demands public “for now” to give Bergevin time “to right the ship before exhaustion forces him to the sidelines once again,” the source said, as he finished putting on his pads and headed out to practice.
(save percentage for 2017-18 corrected, researcher sent to bed early Oct. 6, 2018)
Improv Part II
(Aug. 22, 2018)
Molson and Bergevin take their improv comedy on the road in September.
Helmet
Bergevin to Molson [staring down at helmet on stage]: Worst hit on a player I've ever seen in training camp. [Points to other side of the stage] There's his jockstrap.
Molson: Wear these at press conferences? Just how bad is this team gonna be this season?
Bergevin: I think Schlemko let himself go over the summer. Equipment manager had to add four inches to each of his chin straps.
Molson: I know Weber's gettin' on in years, but a prescription visor?
Bergevin: Nah, that's just an urban myth, Geoff. There's no bell on a helmet.
Molson: Hmmm, so they call those openings ear holes, eh? What's the front of the helmet called, facehole? No? Oh.
Jockstrap
Molson to Bergevin [who's giggling at Molson wearing the jockstrap over his nose and mouth]: Are you sure this is the face mask worn by Plante?
Bergevin: That's just a scale model of the one I wore when I played. Had to have it custom-made, heh, heh, heh, you know what I'm sayin'?
Molson: I dunno, Marc. We get a lot of requests for game-worn jerseys to auction off at fundraisers, but jockstraps? Really?
Bergevin: I'm beginning to wonder about the new guy. He's already had a dozen fittings.
Molson [turns over jockstrap and reads]: If Found Please Return to 27.
Mouthguard
Bergevin: You're right, there's no reason why they can't be bleu-blanc-et-rouge.
Molson to Bergevin [each man is holding an end of the mouthguard]: Okay, let's make a wish. [Tee-hee-hee] I think we both know what it is.
Bergevin: Beer-flavoured? Yeah, the guys might like that.
Molson [chewing on a mouthguard dangling out his mouth]: Hey, this IS fun!
Bergevin: That's not a bad idea, Geoff. Tiny bristles on the inside of the mouthguard – yeah, that could help with plaque.
(Aug. 22, 2018)
Molson and Bergevin take their improv comedy on the road in September.
Helmet
Bergevin to Molson [staring down at helmet on stage]: Worst hit on a player I've ever seen in training camp. [Points to other side of the stage] There's his jockstrap.
Molson: Wear these at press conferences? Just how bad is this team gonna be this season?
Bergevin: I think Schlemko let himself go over the summer. Equipment manager had to add four inches to each of his chin straps.
Molson: I know Weber's gettin' on in years, but a prescription visor?
Bergevin: Nah, that's just an urban myth, Geoff. There's no bell on a helmet.
Molson: Hmmm, so they call those openings ear holes, eh? What's the front of the helmet called, facehole? No? Oh.
Jockstrap
Molson to Bergevin [who's giggling at Molson wearing the jockstrap over his nose and mouth]: Are you sure this is the face mask worn by Plante?
Bergevin: That's just a scale model of the one I wore when I played. Had to have it custom-made, heh, heh, heh, you know what I'm sayin'?
Molson: I dunno, Marc. We get a lot of requests for game-worn jerseys to auction off at fundraisers, but jockstraps? Really?
Bergevin: I'm beginning to wonder about the new guy. He's already had a dozen fittings.
Molson [turns over jockstrap and reads]: If Found Please Return to 27.
Mouthguard
Bergevin: You're right, there's no reason why they can't be bleu-blanc-et-rouge.
Molson to Bergevin [each man is holding an end of the mouthguard]: Okay, let's make a wish. [Tee-hee-hee] I think we both know what it is.
Bergevin: Beer-flavoured? Yeah, the guys might like that.
Molson [chewing on a mouthguard dangling out his mouth]: Hey, this IS fun!
Bergevin: That's not a bad idea, Geoff. Tiny bristles on the inside of the mouthguard – yeah, that could help with plaque.
Duo can't improve team, try improv instead
(July 25, 2018)
Had the good fortune to take in a recent show of Colin Mochrie and Deb McGrath, the brilliant husband-and-wife team who perform improvisational comedy.
They were hilarious – which, funnily enough, made me think of Geoff Molson and Marc Bergevin.
I really believe they could do just as good a job on stage, seeing as their management of the team has seemed improvised more than planned, and the results have been truly laughable.
In fact, I even approached them with just that suggestion, saying it would be a good way for them to connect with the team's remaining fans by showing they have a sense of humour, and can think on their feet (it's when they're behind a desk they have problems).
I'm as shocked as you are they agreed, and I have to say they did a lot better than expected, especially the segment in the act when they have to come up with one liners when tossed a prop.
Here's a sample of the work they did with the things they were given.
(I tried posting their act on YouTube but it wouldn't load. Apparently you have to have an account.)
Hula hoop
[MB grabs it and looks up in the air]: Hey, Green Giant, I found your wife's ear ring.
[Molson holds the hoop over the two of them so only their heads appear above it]: You're right, Bergie, it is a lot roomier since we kicked Therrien out.”
[Molson directs MB to grab the other side of the hoop, and they hold it at waist level as they walk around it, hand over hand]: Bergie, I'm not too sure about this five-year plan of yours. Where does it end?
MB: Look, Buf', I told you when you came over in the trade for Byron, you CAN'T wear number zero.
[Molson, as he and MB toss the hoop back and forth as if it were a Frisbee, without much success]: Now I know how Drouin must have felt.
Pylon
MB: Hi, Hal, glad you could make it to the reunion.
MB to Molson: Are you going to put this on my head every time I make a bad trade?
[MB holds the pylon to his mouth and Molson 'skates over' with arm raised and pretends to blow a whistle]: For the last time, Claude, you can't shout instructions during a game!
[MB holding pylon to back of his head] No worries. The team doc said it should go down in a week. Said it's just a pimple.
[Molson at the draft in June, staring at MB's crotch which is covered by the pylon): Whoa, I've never seen you this excited about a draft pick before! And how come the orange pants? Purple ones in the wash?
Stanley Cup replica
MB [chuckling]: Davey really appreciated us giving him his own urinal.
Molson: Hmm, I think I've seen one of these before. What about you, Bergie? [MB concentrates and then shakes head]
[Molson pretends to spit in the cup, and then passes it to the next 'player', MB, who says]: Look, I get the optics aren't good for the league us spitting on the ice all the time but making us use a spitoon? Gimme a break!
MB: Meh. I'll take a division banner any time.
Hockey stick
[MB holds end of shaft in two hands in front of his face with the blade high in the air, and slowly does a complete circle]: Nothing, Captain, looks like the Bismarck went down.
[Molson staring at the floor where Bergie lies with the blade of the stick in his hand]: I warned him that long barrel would be the death of him in a gunfight!
[MB grabs stick from Molson and begins 'wrapping tape' around the blade]: See, clockwise!
[MB adopts famous Ken Dryden pose leaning on the stick, then suddenly falls down]: Stupid composite sticks!
Puck
[MB to Molson who's furiously tapping down on the puck with a finger]: No, no, the red one's the panic button!
[An exasperated Molson to MB who's holding a puck in his hand and leaning over getting ready to fling it down the ice]: It's NOT the same as skipping stones on water, you idiot!
[Molson holding puck to his face to MB]: You promised trading for Scott wouldn't give the team a black eye!
MB:See, that's where I had Rickles autograph it.
[Molson showing MB the puck]: I don't know why, but this isn't what I thought Bitcoin would look like.
[Molson pulling a strip from the puck as if it were tape]: Clockwise, you say?
[Molson holding puck up to MB]: Have you been licking the middle out of my Oreos again?
(July 25, 2018)
Had the good fortune to take in a recent show of Colin Mochrie and Deb McGrath, the brilliant husband-and-wife team who perform improvisational comedy.
They were hilarious – which, funnily enough, made me think of Geoff Molson and Marc Bergevin.
I really believe they could do just as good a job on stage, seeing as their management of the team has seemed improvised more than planned, and the results have been truly laughable.
In fact, I even approached them with just that suggestion, saying it would be a good way for them to connect with the team's remaining fans by showing they have a sense of humour, and can think on their feet (it's when they're behind a desk they have problems).
I'm as shocked as you are they agreed, and I have to say they did a lot better than expected, especially the segment in the act when they have to come up with one liners when tossed a prop.
Here's a sample of the work they did with the things they were given.
(I tried posting their act on YouTube but it wouldn't load. Apparently you have to have an account.)
Hula hoop
[MB grabs it and looks up in the air]: Hey, Green Giant, I found your wife's ear ring.
[Molson holds the hoop over the two of them so only their heads appear above it]: You're right, Bergie, it is a lot roomier since we kicked Therrien out.”
[Molson directs MB to grab the other side of the hoop, and they hold it at waist level as they walk around it, hand over hand]: Bergie, I'm not too sure about this five-year plan of yours. Where does it end?
MB: Look, Buf', I told you when you came over in the trade for Byron, you CAN'T wear number zero.
[Molson, as he and MB toss the hoop back and forth as if it were a Frisbee, without much success]: Now I know how Drouin must have felt.
Pylon
MB: Hi, Hal, glad you could make it to the reunion.
MB to Molson: Are you going to put this on my head every time I make a bad trade?
[MB holds the pylon to his mouth and Molson 'skates over' with arm raised and pretends to blow a whistle]: For the last time, Claude, you can't shout instructions during a game!
[MB holding pylon to back of his head] No worries. The team doc said it should go down in a week. Said it's just a pimple.
[Molson at the draft in June, staring at MB's crotch which is covered by the pylon): Whoa, I've never seen you this excited about a draft pick before! And how come the orange pants? Purple ones in the wash?
Stanley Cup replica
MB [chuckling]: Davey really appreciated us giving him his own urinal.
Molson: Hmm, I think I've seen one of these before. What about you, Bergie? [MB concentrates and then shakes head]
[Molson pretends to spit in the cup, and then passes it to the next 'player', MB, who says]: Look, I get the optics aren't good for the league us spitting on the ice all the time but making us use a spitoon? Gimme a break!
MB: Meh. I'll take a division banner any time.
Hockey stick
[MB holds end of shaft in two hands in front of his face with the blade high in the air, and slowly does a complete circle]: Nothing, Captain, looks like the Bismarck went down.
[Molson staring at the floor where Bergie lies with the blade of the stick in his hand]: I warned him that long barrel would be the death of him in a gunfight!
[MB grabs stick from Molson and begins 'wrapping tape' around the blade]: See, clockwise!
[MB adopts famous Ken Dryden pose leaning on the stick, then suddenly falls down]: Stupid composite sticks!
Puck
[MB to Molson who's furiously tapping down on the puck with a finger]: No, no, the red one's the panic button!
[An exasperated Molson to MB who's holding a puck in his hand and leaning over getting ready to fling it down the ice]: It's NOT the same as skipping stones on water, you idiot!
[Molson holding puck to his face to MB]: You promised trading for Scott wouldn't give the team a black eye!
MB:See, that's where I had Rickles autograph it.
[Molson showing MB the puck]: I don't know why, but this isn't what I thought Bitcoin would look like.
[Molson pulling a strip from the puck as if it were tape]: Clockwise, you say?
[Molson holding puck up to MB]: Have you been licking the middle out of my Oreos again?
Patience is a virtue
(April 11, 2018)
We'll need the patience of a Polly to get us through the next few years.
Don't listen to those Nano-Second Nellies clamouring for Bergevin to be dumped after just six years on the job!
Six measly years to learn the ins and outs, the yins and the yangs, the 'Nucks and Bolts, of being a GM.
A doctor takes longer than that to become a doctor, and his/her profession isn't anywhere near difficult as a general manager's.
Does he/she have to hold news conferences whenever he/she botches a surgery?
Or keep the head nurse happy by making sure her/his surgical team has all the right members?
I could go on.
But here's the kicker: the winningest GM in NHL history - he set the mark just last month -- didn't have one of his teams make it to the Stanley Cup final until he had been18 years on the job.
And he's not going to win it all until this year -- 19 years after he was hired by the Predators.
So, Pollies -- er, Poilies -- when the Nellies start making noises about ditching MB, tell them they should sleep on it first.
Like for a decade or so.
(April 11, 2018)
We'll need the patience of a Polly to get us through the next few years.
Don't listen to those Nano-Second Nellies clamouring for Bergevin to be dumped after just six years on the job!
Six measly years to learn the ins and outs, the yins and the yangs, the 'Nucks and Bolts, of being a GM.
A doctor takes longer than that to become a doctor, and his/her profession isn't anywhere near difficult as a general manager's.
Does he/she have to hold news conferences whenever he/she botches a surgery?
Or keep the head nurse happy by making sure her/his surgical team has all the right members?
I could go on.
But here's the kicker: the winningest GM in NHL history - he set the mark just last month -- didn't have one of his teams make it to the Stanley Cup final until he had been18 years on the job.
And he's not going to win it all until this year -- 19 years after he was hired by the Predators.
So, Pollies -- er, Poilies -- when the Nellies start making noises about ditching MB, tell them they should sleep on it first.
Like for a decade or so.
Is this what you were hoping to hear?
(April 9, 2018)
Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin addresses reporters after another season, the second in three years, in which the team failed to make the playoffs:
"Let me say at the outset that I take full responsibility for the team's miserable performance this season. The players I brought in mostly stunk, the guys who signed long contracts were terrible, I handicapped the coach by not giving him the talent a hockey team needs to succeed, and I fed Geoff a bunch of bull about having a plan to make it back to the Stanley Cup final."
"I also saddled Julien with losers behind the bench and insulted the people of Laval by not lifting a finger to help the Rocket, starting with replacing the coach, which I should have done a long time ago."
"I was glad to see Markov and Radulov leave because I hate Russians and I like giving players like Benn and Schlemko roster spots because they remind them of me back in the day fighting to hang on to a job without much skill."
"As you guys have guessed I'm not a big fan of players who show some offence. Bunch of showboats as far as I'm concerned, like to play in just one end of the ice."
"I won't answer any questions about Price. I get too upset thinking about how much he betrayed me by playing so lousy after I gave him that big contract. And don't believe any of that guff about him being injured. Reminds me a lot of Subban, you know. The two are a pair of prima donnas -- especially in the room."
"Pacioretty would be, too, if he had the energy. Therrien was right about him. So was Tortorella."
"The only two guys I could count on were Gallagher and Byron. The smallest guys on the team. What's that tell you about Drouin, Galchenyuk?"
"Sure, Chucky started coming on at the end but he shines when there's no pressure. Same with Petry. Alzner, he's just plain dull and never will shine. Don't know what I was thinking there. But I have given up drinking since I signed him."
"Well, I think that pretty well covers it. Makes me ill just talking about it. Don't bother asking me anything and expect answers. I might hurt your feelings if I did."
"Oh, one more thing, tell those whining fans who post online that I hope they cry their hearts out over their pwecious team being so bad. Even if Geoff fires me after this I'll still be collecting a pay cheque for a few more years. They'll still be cheering on a bunch of losers after I'm gone."
"Have a nice summer."
(April 9, 2018)
Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin addresses reporters after another season, the second in three years, in which the team failed to make the playoffs:
"Let me say at the outset that I take full responsibility for the team's miserable performance this season. The players I brought in mostly stunk, the guys who signed long contracts were terrible, I handicapped the coach by not giving him the talent a hockey team needs to succeed, and I fed Geoff a bunch of bull about having a plan to make it back to the Stanley Cup final."
"I also saddled Julien with losers behind the bench and insulted the people of Laval by not lifting a finger to help the Rocket, starting with replacing the coach, which I should have done a long time ago."
"I was glad to see Markov and Radulov leave because I hate Russians and I like giving players like Benn and Schlemko roster spots because they remind them of me back in the day fighting to hang on to a job without much skill."
"As you guys have guessed I'm not a big fan of players who show some offence. Bunch of showboats as far as I'm concerned, like to play in just one end of the ice."
"I won't answer any questions about Price. I get too upset thinking about how much he betrayed me by playing so lousy after I gave him that big contract. And don't believe any of that guff about him being injured. Reminds me a lot of Subban, you know. The two are a pair of prima donnas -- especially in the room."
"Pacioretty would be, too, if he had the energy. Therrien was right about him. So was Tortorella."
"The only two guys I could count on were Gallagher and Byron. The smallest guys on the team. What's that tell you about Drouin, Galchenyuk?"
"Sure, Chucky started coming on at the end but he shines when there's no pressure. Same with Petry. Alzner, he's just plain dull and never will shine. Don't know what I was thinking there. But I have given up drinking since I signed him."
"Well, I think that pretty well covers it. Makes me ill just talking about it. Don't bother asking me anything and expect answers. I might hurt your feelings if I did."
"Oh, one more thing, tell those whining fans who post online that I hope they cry their hearts out over their pwecious team being so bad. Even if Geoff fires me after this I'll still be collecting a pay cheque for a few more years. They'll still be cheering on a bunch of losers after I'm gone."
"Have a nice summer."
Aim low to stay high
(Feb. 27, 2018)
We set ourselves up to wail.
If we simply lowered our standards, we wouldn't be in this constant funk.
Suppose we were content, for example, with at least one Canadien getting 20 goals, the goaltending tandem registering at least one shutout, and one of the rearguards having a two-point night, over the course of 82 games.
These, even the team's harshest critics would have to admit, are attainable goals, and had those meagre expectations been in place before the season started, we would all be in a state of bliss right now, and thinking that whatever happens from here on in is poutine.
Now, yes, these are individual successes, and hockey is a team sport, in the same way that player-baiting is on fan forums.
So if we had set the bar from the get-go a 30-win season with a dozen thrilling OT losses thrown in, we'd be on pins and needles for the rest of the schedule, not wallowing in despair but cheering the Canadiens on to reach the modest goals we had set for them.
Excitement would be running high the last month, knowing the team was getting oh so close to satisfying our subsistent needs.
I've recalibrated my outlook for what remains of the season and can say in all honesty I haven't felt this way since I was a youth, eagerly looking forward to when the next game would be played.
I'll be rooting for Pacioretty to reach the 20-goal plateau, Mete the first of his NHL career, and Deslauriers leading all forwards with a plus rating. I really want Schlemko to double his goal production. And I hope to see Lindgren in net every other game.
I don't know how the rest of you guys are going to make the next few weeks fun but good luck.
(Feb. 27, 2018)
We set ourselves up to wail.
If we simply lowered our standards, we wouldn't be in this constant funk.
Suppose we were content, for example, with at least one Canadien getting 20 goals, the goaltending tandem registering at least one shutout, and one of the rearguards having a two-point night, over the course of 82 games.
These, even the team's harshest critics would have to admit, are attainable goals, and had those meagre expectations been in place before the season started, we would all be in a state of bliss right now, and thinking that whatever happens from here on in is poutine.
Now, yes, these are individual successes, and hockey is a team sport, in the same way that player-baiting is on fan forums.
So if we had set the bar from the get-go a 30-win season with a dozen thrilling OT losses thrown in, we'd be on pins and needles for the rest of the schedule, not wallowing in despair but cheering the Canadiens on to reach the modest goals we had set for them.
Excitement would be running high the last month, knowing the team was getting oh so close to satisfying our subsistent needs.
I've recalibrated my outlook for what remains of the season and can say in all honesty I haven't felt this way since I was a youth, eagerly looking forward to when the next game would be played.
I'll be rooting for Pacioretty to reach the 20-goal plateau, Mete the first of his NHL career, and Deslauriers leading all forwards with a plus rating. I really want Schlemko to double his goal production. And I hope to see Lindgren in net every other game.
I don't know how the rest of you guys are going to make the next few weeks fun but good luck.
Breaking up is what we need to do
(Feb. 16, 2018)
Suppose you're in a relationship that's gone on for years, decades even, and it's not nearly as much fun as it used be. Far from it.
The thrill is gone, and how. Apart from a wee bit of excitement every now and then.
Sure, you've done your best to bring back the good times by drawing to your partner's attention areas in need of improvement AND suggestions on how to go about doing it, knowing it's not enough to complain about another's many faults without showing you at least care enough to offer ways to correct them.
Which you are prepared to keep doing, and often, no matter how annoying it can be having to repeat yourself over and over again.
Yeah, it's a bother but you remember what it used to be like and really believe it's a relationship worth saving.
And while your partner seems to be making an effort to appear younger and nimble, not old and arthritic, you're finding the attempt is falling well short of the mark.
And when you point that out, just to provide feedback on how much road remains to be travelled, all you get is the silent treatment.
So you react with anger and disappointment. Who wouldn't under the circumstances, being rebuffed when you're trying to be helpful. Here you are doing your best to make your partner a better person, only to see your advice and gentle condemnations, spoken from the heart, falling on deaf ears.
It's too much to endure.
So my question to you then is, when someone is feeling this lousy in a relationship, would it be wrong to call it quits after all these years and start playing the rink, hoping to find someone new to be your soulmate, someone you know you will never CHerish like you did the old flame, but still someone you beleaf in?
Thanks.
By the way, how do you break it off? Email or Facebook?
(Feb. 16, 2018)
Suppose you're in a relationship that's gone on for years, decades even, and it's not nearly as much fun as it used be. Far from it.
The thrill is gone, and how. Apart from a wee bit of excitement every now and then.
Sure, you've done your best to bring back the good times by drawing to your partner's attention areas in need of improvement AND suggestions on how to go about doing it, knowing it's not enough to complain about another's many faults without showing you at least care enough to offer ways to correct them.
Which you are prepared to keep doing, and often, no matter how annoying it can be having to repeat yourself over and over again.
Yeah, it's a bother but you remember what it used to be like and really believe it's a relationship worth saving.
And while your partner seems to be making an effort to appear younger and nimble, not old and arthritic, you're finding the attempt is falling well short of the mark.
And when you point that out, just to provide feedback on how much road remains to be travelled, all you get is the silent treatment.
So you react with anger and disappointment. Who wouldn't under the circumstances, being rebuffed when you're trying to be helpful. Here you are doing your best to make your partner a better person, only to see your advice and gentle condemnations, spoken from the heart, falling on deaf ears.
It's too much to endure.
So my question to you then is, when someone is feeling this lousy in a relationship, would it be wrong to call it quits after all these years and start playing the rink, hoping to find someone new to be your soulmate, someone you know you will never CHerish like you did the old flame, but still someone you beleaf in?
Thanks.
By the way, how do you break it off? Email or Facebook?
Roses are red, and so is your face
(Feb. 13, 2018)
After exchanging words, Subban and Gallagher are now exchanging Valentine cards ...
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: I've never met anyone like you before
Inside: And I hope I never do again.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: They say good things come in small packages.
Inside: They were wrong.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: You sure know how to bring a crowd to its feet.
Inside: So they can throw stuff better.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: I feel bad when your shot hits the post.
Inside: But when it's your head I feel great.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: It's a shame you've had to deal with prejudice all your life.
Inside: You can't help it if you're stupid.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: Whenever I think of you, I think of your smile
Inside: And wonder why is this idiot so happy about losing.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: People can be so cruel saying you have bad breath
Inside: And really dumb if they say it to your face. Phew!
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: You're an example for young people.
Inside: Masturbation stunts your growth.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: The #MeToo movement is supported by many
Inside: The #MeOne movement is supported by ... you.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: You play every shift like it's your last
Inside: Which it would be on teams that had talent.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: You remind me of the Energizer bunny
Inside: You go around beating your own drum.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: Being short hasn't stopped you from playing in the NHL
Inside: But not having skills hasn't made it easy.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: %&%^*#$&^$#^$#^&
Inside: The guys said hi!
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: My teammates say they wish they had your work ethic
Inside: Because you won't be needing it for the playoffs.
(Feb. 13, 2018)
After exchanging words, Subban and Gallagher are now exchanging Valentine cards ...
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: I've never met anyone like you before
Inside: And I hope I never do again.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: They say good things come in small packages.
Inside: They were wrong.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: You sure know how to bring a crowd to its feet.
Inside: So they can throw stuff better.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: I feel bad when your shot hits the post.
Inside: But when it's your head I feel great.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: It's a shame you've had to deal with prejudice all your life.
Inside: You can't help it if you're stupid.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: Whenever I think of you, I think of your smile
Inside: And wonder why is this idiot so happy about losing.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: People can be so cruel saying you have bad breath
Inside: And really dumb if they say it to your face. Phew!
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: You're an example for young people.
Inside: Masturbation stunts your growth.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: The #MeToo movement is supported by many
Inside: The #MeOne movement is supported by ... you.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: You play every shift like it's your last
Inside: Which it would be on teams that had talent.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: You remind me of the Energizer bunny
Inside: You go around beating your own drum.
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: Being short hasn't stopped you from playing in the NHL
Inside: But not having skills hasn't made it easy.
Gallagher to Subban
Cover: %&%^*#$&^$#^$#^&
Inside: The guys said hi!
Subban to Gallagher
Cover: My teammates say they wish they had your work ethic
Inside: Because you won't be needing it for the playoffs.
Reporters at the Crucifixion
Feb. 11 2018
Reporters have come under fire for their persistent questioning of Brendan Gallagher after Montreal's shootout loss to the Nashville Predators. Their hounding led the winger to making some intemperate remarks about his ex-teammate PK Subban. But they were simply doing their job as they have always done for thousands of years ...
Reporter 1: "How are you feeling, Jesus?"
Reporter 2: "Does it hurt much?"
Reporter 3: "Do you still claim to be innocent of sedition?"
Reporter 4: "What do you have to say about Judas? What HE did had to hurt."
Reporter 5: "What about your [reporter waggles fingers] Father? Is that any way to treat a [waggles fingers again] Son?"
Jesus: "Why are you torturing me with these questions. As Father has loved me, so have I loved you."
Reporter 1: "What kind of love is this? He's hung you out to die."
Jesus: "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Reporter 2: “What are you saying, Dad will let you in the house only after you've suffered? Is that good parenting?”
Jesus: “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”
Reporter 3: Sheep! SHEEP! Dad is letting you die to protect some sheep??? Is that what a good father does?”
Jesus [growing exasperated]: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
Reporter 4: “Christ, this is unbelievable! What kind of upbringing is that?”
Jesus [crying out fervently]: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind!”
Reporter 5: “Hey, we're reporters, we don't have any of those. Now, let's get back to this whole Father-Son thing. Aren't you feeling even a little teensy-weensy resentment? A bit let down that you're not being let down? If you were we'd understand. So do you? Do you?”
[Jesus showing his anguish at being relentlessly questioned opens his mouth and is about to speak when a single lightning bolt strikes all five reporters and burns them to a crisp]: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Father.
And people say you don't answer their prayers. I'll be home soon..”
God: "I'll leave the gates unlocked."
Feb. 11 2018
Reporters have come under fire for their persistent questioning of Brendan Gallagher after Montreal's shootout loss to the Nashville Predators. Their hounding led the winger to making some intemperate remarks about his ex-teammate PK Subban. But they were simply doing their job as they have always done for thousands of years ...
Reporter 1: "How are you feeling, Jesus?"
Reporter 2: "Does it hurt much?"
Reporter 3: "Do you still claim to be innocent of sedition?"
Reporter 4: "What do you have to say about Judas? What HE did had to hurt."
Reporter 5: "What about your [reporter waggles fingers] Father? Is that any way to treat a [waggles fingers again] Son?"
Jesus: "Why are you torturing me with these questions. As Father has loved me, so have I loved you."
Reporter 1: "What kind of love is this? He's hung you out to die."
Jesus: "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
Reporter 2: “What are you saying, Dad will let you in the house only after you've suffered? Is that good parenting?”
Jesus: “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”
Reporter 3: Sheep! SHEEP! Dad is letting you die to protect some sheep??? Is that what a good father does?”
Jesus [growing exasperated]: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
Reporter 4: “Christ, this is unbelievable! What kind of upbringing is that?”
Jesus [crying out fervently]: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind!”
Reporter 5: “Hey, we're reporters, we don't have any of those. Now, let's get back to this whole Father-Son thing. Aren't you feeling even a little teensy-weensy resentment? A bit let down that you're not being let down? If you were we'd understand. So do you? Do you?”
[Jesus showing his anguish at being relentlessly questioned opens his mouth and is about to speak when a single lightning bolt strikes all five reporters and burns them to a crisp]: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Father.
And people say you don't answer their prayers. I'll be home soon..”
God: "I'll leave the gates unlocked."
Gallagher, Subban feud heats up
(Feb 11, 2018)
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just unfriended Subban on Facebook
Breaking news ...
Subban just sent Gallagher a nasty Valentine showing Cupid shooting an arrow in Gallagher's back
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just tweeted Malcolm's the best Subban ever to play in the NHL
Breaking news ...
Subban just donated $1,000 to The Society to Lower the Drinking Age to 12 in Gallagher's name
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just released emails from Subban when he was a Canadien gushing over Therrien's coaching
Breaking news ...
Subban just sent out a news release saying Gallagher lies about his height
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just started a petition to ban Subban in suburban Montreal
Breaking news ...
Subban just bought air time for a commercial he's made showing him holding the Norris Trophy and Gallagher holding a teddy bear and a sippy cup
Breaking news ...
Gallagher was just seen hanging up posters warning people Subban has really bad breath
Breaking news ...
Subban just did a radio interview and kept referring to Gallagher as Golly in a Gomer Pyle voice
Breaking news ...
The National Hockey League just issued an order for Gallagher and Subban "to grow up!"
(Feb 11, 2018)
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just unfriended Subban on Facebook
Breaking news ...
Subban just sent Gallagher a nasty Valentine showing Cupid shooting an arrow in Gallagher's back
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just tweeted Malcolm's the best Subban ever to play in the NHL
Breaking news ...
Subban just donated $1,000 to The Society to Lower the Drinking Age to 12 in Gallagher's name
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just released emails from Subban when he was a Canadien gushing over Therrien's coaching
Breaking news ...
Subban just sent out a news release saying Gallagher lies about his height
Breaking news ...
Gallagher just started a petition to ban Subban in suburban Montreal
Breaking news ...
Subban just bought air time for a commercial he's made showing him holding the Norris Trophy and Gallagher holding a teddy bear and a sippy cup
Breaking news ...
Gallagher was just seen hanging up posters warning people Subban has really bad breath
Breaking news ...
Subban just did a radio interview and kept referring to Gallagher as Golly in a Gomer Pyle voice
Breaking news ...
The National Hockey League just issued an order for Gallagher and Subban "to grow up!"
Clue: Canadiens now have one
(Jan. 29, 2018)
I'm working on a hockey version of the board game Clue.The first edition will feature the Montreal Canadiens.
The challenge, of course, will be to find who's responsible for the franchise's demise.
Although technically speaking there has been no official determination of death numerous postmortems posted online daily point to a consensus having been reached that the team is in fact mort.
To spice up the game I've added a second victim: a purported witness to the crime who goes by the name of Joe Fan and is said to be long-suffering.
As for the villains of the piece, there are the usual suspects: Ronald Corey, Rejean Houle, Mario Tremblay, Geoff Molson and Marc Bergevin. The sixth suspect will be drawn from a rotating cast of shady characters who include The Reporter, The Tax Man and Strip Joint Owner.
The possible causes of death are many:
-- poor drafting
-- terrible player development
-- bad trades
-- inept coaching
-- disappointing free agent signings
-- low-ball or non-offers to players in their last year of contract
-- questionable deployment of players
-- miscommunication
-- horrible contract extensions
-- The System
-- curling
Here are the potential locations where the victim succumbs:
-- dressing room
-- board room
-- general manager's office
-- owner's suite
-- entry draft
-- referees room
-- Sportsnet studio
As you can see Clue: Iced differs from the original and its many subsequent iterations in that with each playing of the game, death will be the result of several causes, not one, and set in motion at several different spots.
Your first thought, no doubt, is that an obvious trail of blood would lead directly to the murderer or murderers but as we have seen in real life no crime is ever solved in so easy a manner.
And so it is with Clue: Sudden Death. The goal – ha, ha, ha – is for each player to escape blame while assigning it to others, with none ever realizing that each is culpable.
The one who secures the longest contract extension is declared the winner.
I'm still working on the rules which, as in the NHL, will be unevenly applied in a random fashion.
This will have the effect of adding an element of uncertainty into the proceedings, such as when a disgraced coach is repeatedly released from custody to rejoin the game again and again despite having been consistently outmanoeuvred by his opponents.
Sure there are tweaks to be made – mostly wardrobe decisions – but I hope to have Clue: Sleuthfoot out in time for the Christmas season.
I am taking orders now, though.
Please, Bitcoin only.
(Jan. 29, 2018)
I'm working on a hockey version of the board game Clue.The first edition will feature the Montreal Canadiens.
The challenge, of course, will be to find who's responsible for the franchise's demise.
Although technically speaking there has been no official determination of death numerous postmortems posted online daily point to a consensus having been reached that the team is in fact mort.
To spice up the game I've added a second victim: a purported witness to the crime who goes by the name of Joe Fan and is said to be long-suffering.
As for the villains of the piece, there are the usual suspects: Ronald Corey, Rejean Houle, Mario Tremblay, Geoff Molson and Marc Bergevin. The sixth suspect will be drawn from a rotating cast of shady characters who include The Reporter, The Tax Man and Strip Joint Owner.
The possible causes of death are many:
-- poor drafting
-- terrible player development
-- bad trades
-- inept coaching
-- disappointing free agent signings
-- low-ball or non-offers to players in their last year of contract
-- questionable deployment of players
-- miscommunication
-- horrible contract extensions
-- The System
-- curling
Here are the potential locations where the victim succumbs:
-- dressing room
-- board room
-- general manager's office
-- owner's suite
-- entry draft
-- referees room
-- Sportsnet studio
As you can see Clue: Iced differs from the original and its many subsequent iterations in that with each playing of the game, death will be the result of several causes, not one, and set in motion at several different spots.
Your first thought, no doubt, is that an obvious trail of blood would lead directly to the murderer or murderers but as we have seen in real life no crime is ever solved in so easy a manner.
And so it is with Clue: Sudden Death. The goal – ha, ha, ha – is for each player to escape blame while assigning it to others, with none ever realizing that each is culpable.
The one who secures the longest contract extension is declared the winner.
I'm still working on the rules which, as in the NHL, will be unevenly applied in a random fashion.
This will have the effect of adding an element of uncertainty into the proceedings, such as when a disgraced coach is repeatedly released from custody to rejoin the game again and again despite having been consistently outmanoeuvred by his opponents.
Sure there are tweaks to be made – mostly wardrobe decisions – but I hope to have Clue: Sleuthfoot out in time for the Christmas season.
I am taking orders now, though.
Please, Bitcoin only.
On the Road with Wingnut and Dingbat
(This just in ... from the vault, Oct. 14, 2011)
Lost in all the hand-wringing, teeth-gnashing, ear-pulling, bowel-emptying hubbub surrounding the Canadiens’ defeat by the Flames last night was a jaw-dropping, eye-popping, heart-stopping, breast-copping announcement made by the CBC:
Toronto – Coach’s Corner is being taken off Hockey Night in Canada because of inflammatory remarks made by Don Cherry on its first broadcast of the season.
But Canada’s most famous curmudgeon isn’t leaving the CBC. Cherry and his sidekick apologist Ron MacLean will host a new show that will take them across the country. “On the Road with Wingnut and Dingbat” – the show’s working title, said a CBC spokesman – will see the pair take part in wacky community events that will allow them to mingle with their fans and to show viewers “real Canadians” at play.
If it sounds like the Rick Mercer Report, you’re right. The show has been pulled to make way for Wing-Ding but Mercer won’t be out of a job, the spokesman said. Mercer is taking over the Coach’s Corner slot in the first intermission with “The Rink Rant,” an outsider’s look at hockey.
It will follow the same format as Mercer’s rants on his weekly show, but the venue will be different – he’ll be walking through dressing rooms, over players’ benches, across centre ice, and up into the seats while dishing out his acerbic comments.
The CBC provided a sneak preview of Mercer delivering his slant on shinny.
“I don’t understand the NHL. The league is led by a guy whose background is basketball and the players are led by a guy who made his name in baseball. Hockey couldn’t be in better hands, could it? Guys with no ties to the sport, no vested interest in making it better and risk screwing up a money-maker for two packs of thieves. But while they fight over the spoils, it’s left to a Canadian to mete out justice to the really nasty fellows, the headhunters and fighters. Because what Canadians do best, apart from headhunting and fighting, is punish the bad guys. We did it in every war we fought.
And who was it who helped create the greatest crime fighter of all – Superman? That’s right, a Canadian.
So, yeah, we’re in good hands with Brendan Shanahan, who, by the way, was good with his hands. Here’s a player who accumulated 2,489 penalty minutes in his career during the regular season, so he knows bad. If our legal system was smart, it would take note and appoint a biker or two as judges.
So, say what you want about the league and union in their choice of leaders, at least the NHL got it right when it named Shanny head disciplinarian. Two dukes up!”
The spokesman said Mercer intends to end each segment holding up both fists, in homage to his predecessor’s signature thumbs up gesture
The CBC official said the network was so unnerved by the firestorm that erupted after Cherry called three former NHL enforcers “pukes” and “hypocrites” that it decided to shake up its programming to head off further criticism. But it wasn’t prepared to jettison an iconic figure that generates considerable income for the broadcaster.
“On the Road with Wingnut and Dingbat” is seen as something of a compromise, the spokesman said, but a sampling of the pair’s cross-country itinerary suggests their employer might have a hidden agenda. In the first month of filming, Cherry and MacLean are scheduled to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, bob for apples in the tar sands, take part in a re-enactment of the War of 1812 using live ammunition, attend a Justin Bieber concert, and be the keynote speakers at an HIO summit.
“It’s a win-win situation,” the spokesman insisted. “If they don’t last, no more controversy. But if they survive, well, we’ve got another hit on our hands!”
(This just in ... from the vault, Oct. 14, 2011)
Lost in all the hand-wringing, teeth-gnashing, ear-pulling, bowel-emptying hubbub surrounding the Canadiens’ defeat by the Flames last night was a jaw-dropping, eye-popping, heart-stopping, breast-copping announcement made by the CBC:
Toronto – Coach’s Corner is being taken off Hockey Night in Canada because of inflammatory remarks made by Don Cherry on its first broadcast of the season.
But Canada’s most famous curmudgeon isn’t leaving the CBC. Cherry and his sidekick apologist Ron MacLean will host a new show that will take them across the country. “On the Road with Wingnut and Dingbat” – the show’s working title, said a CBC spokesman – will see the pair take part in wacky community events that will allow them to mingle with their fans and to show viewers “real Canadians” at play.
If it sounds like the Rick Mercer Report, you’re right. The show has been pulled to make way for Wing-Ding but Mercer won’t be out of a job, the spokesman said. Mercer is taking over the Coach’s Corner slot in the first intermission with “The Rink Rant,” an outsider’s look at hockey.
It will follow the same format as Mercer’s rants on his weekly show, but the venue will be different – he’ll be walking through dressing rooms, over players’ benches, across centre ice, and up into the seats while dishing out his acerbic comments.
The CBC provided a sneak preview of Mercer delivering his slant on shinny.
“I don’t understand the NHL. The league is led by a guy whose background is basketball and the players are led by a guy who made his name in baseball. Hockey couldn’t be in better hands, could it? Guys with no ties to the sport, no vested interest in making it better and risk screwing up a money-maker for two packs of thieves. But while they fight over the spoils, it’s left to a Canadian to mete out justice to the really nasty fellows, the headhunters and fighters. Because what Canadians do best, apart from headhunting and fighting, is punish the bad guys. We did it in every war we fought.
And who was it who helped create the greatest crime fighter of all – Superman? That’s right, a Canadian.
So, yeah, we’re in good hands with Brendan Shanahan, who, by the way, was good with his hands. Here’s a player who accumulated 2,489 penalty minutes in his career during the regular season, so he knows bad. If our legal system was smart, it would take note and appoint a biker or two as judges.
So, say what you want about the league and union in their choice of leaders, at least the NHL got it right when it named Shanny head disciplinarian. Two dukes up!”
The spokesman said Mercer intends to end each segment holding up both fists, in homage to his predecessor’s signature thumbs up gesture
The CBC official said the network was so unnerved by the firestorm that erupted after Cherry called three former NHL enforcers “pukes” and “hypocrites” that it decided to shake up its programming to head off further criticism. But it wasn’t prepared to jettison an iconic figure that generates considerable income for the broadcaster.
“On the Road with Wingnut and Dingbat” is seen as something of a compromise, the spokesman said, but a sampling of the pair’s cross-country itinerary suggests their employer might have a hidden agenda. In the first month of filming, Cherry and MacLean are scheduled to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, bob for apples in the tar sands, take part in a re-enactment of the War of 1812 using live ammunition, attend a Justin Bieber concert, and be the keynote speakers at an HIO summit.
“It’s a win-win situation,” the spokesman insisted. “If they don’t last, no more controversy. But if they survive, well, we’ve got another hit on our hands!”
C'mon, fall, what's the holdup?
(Sept. 7, 2017)
You know the off-season has dragged on too long when ...
- you convince yourself the Canadiens have a shot at winning the Cup
- nuclear war between the U.S. and North Korea sounds intriguing
- fans debate which left-handed defencemen could skate the fastest backwards
- you follow Conservative leader Andrew Scheer on Twitter
- Antiques Roadshow is must-see TV
- you actually do a do on the to-do list
- your intense hatred of Therrien has mellowed to a simmering dislike
- your next four lines proposal will be the last of all possible combinations
- you fear a lot of valuable playing time is being wasted while Weber ages
- you ask around if there will be streaming of Hab players showing up for training camp
- it seems like the countdown to the start of the season is taking forever
- the thread on players' favourite colours surpasses a thousand posts
- you long for the play-by-play of Bob Cole and rants of Don Cherry
- you decide, what the hell, why not have the Hab crest tattooed on your forehead
- you beat your son with a flick shot that bounces the Chicken McNugget off his soft drink into the french fry net
- you think the 1-8 Ticats still have a chance of making the playoffs
- you wonder if the Caroline Hurricane will be greeted with protesters when they play the Stars in Texas and the Panthers in Florida
- you start looking for stories about Subban
(Sept. 7, 2017)
You know the off-season has dragged on too long when ...
- you convince yourself the Canadiens have a shot at winning the Cup
- nuclear war between the U.S. and North Korea sounds intriguing
- fans debate which left-handed defencemen could skate the fastest backwards
- you follow Conservative leader Andrew Scheer on Twitter
- Antiques Roadshow is must-see TV
- you actually do a do on the to-do list
- your intense hatred of Therrien has mellowed to a simmering dislike
- your next four lines proposal will be the last of all possible combinations
- you fear a lot of valuable playing time is being wasted while Weber ages
- you ask around if there will be streaming of Hab players showing up for training camp
- it seems like the countdown to the start of the season is taking forever
- the thread on players' favourite colours surpasses a thousand posts
- you long for the play-by-play of Bob Cole and rants of Don Cherry
- you decide, what the hell, why not have the Hab crest tattooed on your forehead
- you beat your son with a flick shot that bounces the Chicken McNugget off his soft drink into the french fry net
- you think the 1-8 Ticats still have a chance of making the playoffs
- you wonder if the Caroline Hurricane will be greeted with protesters when they play the Stars in Texas and the Panthers in Florida
- you start looking for stories about Subban
'Boy, are my arms tired!'
(July 22, 2017)
Fearing his hockey days are over, Markov begins a new career as a stand-up comic using his trademark wit® (he trademarked it in his native land).
“Boy, are my arms tired. [pause] I just flew in from Russia.
[silence; Markov stares at audience]
I said, Boy, are my arms tired. [longer pause, looks around the room, nods] I just flew in from Russia.
[gales of laughter; Markov’s entourage scattered throughout the room sit back down, hockey sticks in hand]
Attended a conference in Moscow. Our glorious president was the keynote speaker. He spoke about flash points around the globe that threaten the world order: North Korea, Middle East, China, terrorism, Bettman’s stance on the Olympics.
The talk was called Putin on the Risks.
It was a wonderful speech. As always.
Hey, what do you think of Russia’s OTHER president, Donald Trump? Heh, heh, heh.
I think it’s admirable the United States still hires people past their prime for such an important job. He’s the Bob Cole of American politics. Or should I say Bob Dole? He ran for president when he was 73. 73!
Trump ran with an IQ of 73. And won! Which really proves Americans DO want to make their country great again. They voted in someone smarter than they are.
To be fair, Trump did need a little help to get elected. [pause] And the Democrats obliged by making Hillary Clinton their candidate. Man, what were they thinking? The woman has more baggage than Subban on a road trip, and it wasn’t filled with shoes. Lots of scandals, though.
And to set the record straight, the president and his Trumplings did NOT conspire with the Russians to win the election. You don’t call fulfilling the terms of a loan collusion. It’s called discharging a debt.
Trump didn’t want to go through yet ANOTHER bankruptcy so he had friends in high foreign places help him out.
And Trump WAS a squeaky clean candidate. Which, if you knew anything about laundering, you’d understand.
Why he was so clean he had to take a shower after he had a shower.
But I can understand people being suspicious about my country and thinking our Fearless Leader conspired to put Trump in office, have him go head-to-head with every institution in the U.S that make it strong in order to make them weak, and in the end bring about the fall of democracy.
Collude. Collide. Collapse.
Or as some might describe it, C’s control. Get it – seize control? [silence, then gales of laughter when friends of the stand-up comic stand up]
I’m not saying they’re far off the mark.
But this Markov’s off.”
[drops mike and leaves the stage, his entourage trailing behind as he heads out of the room. A beaming Bergevin tries to pat him on the arm and hand him a contract written on a napkin as he passes by his table but is rebuffed]
(July 22, 2017)
Fearing his hockey days are over, Markov begins a new career as a stand-up comic using his trademark wit® (he trademarked it in his native land).
“Boy, are my arms tired. [pause] I just flew in from Russia.
[silence; Markov stares at audience]
I said, Boy, are my arms tired. [longer pause, looks around the room, nods] I just flew in from Russia.
[gales of laughter; Markov’s entourage scattered throughout the room sit back down, hockey sticks in hand]
Attended a conference in Moscow. Our glorious president was the keynote speaker. He spoke about flash points around the globe that threaten the world order: North Korea, Middle East, China, terrorism, Bettman’s stance on the Olympics.
The talk was called Putin on the Risks.
It was a wonderful speech. As always.
Hey, what do you think of Russia’s OTHER president, Donald Trump? Heh, heh, heh.
I think it’s admirable the United States still hires people past their prime for such an important job. He’s the Bob Cole of American politics. Or should I say Bob Dole? He ran for president when he was 73. 73!
Trump ran with an IQ of 73. And won! Which really proves Americans DO want to make their country great again. They voted in someone smarter than they are.
To be fair, Trump did need a little help to get elected. [pause] And the Democrats obliged by making Hillary Clinton their candidate. Man, what were they thinking? The woman has more baggage than Subban on a road trip, and it wasn’t filled with shoes. Lots of scandals, though.
And to set the record straight, the president and his Trumplings did NOT conspire with the Russians to win the election. You don’t call fulfilling the terms of a loan collusion. It’s called discharging a debt.
Trump didn’t want to go through yet ANOTHER bankruptcy so he had friends in high foreign places help him out.
And Trump WAS a squeaky clean candidate. Which, if you knew anything about laundering, you’d understand.
Why he was so clean he had to take a shower after he had a shower.
But I can understand people being suspicious about my country and thinking our Fearless Leader conspired to put Trump in office, have him go head-to-head with every institution in the U.S that make it strong in order to make them weak, and in the end bring about the fall of democracy.
Collude. Collide. Collapse.
Or as some might describe it, C’s control. Get it – seize control? [silence, then gales of laughter when friends of the stand-up comic stand up]
I’m not saying they’re far off the mark.
But this Markov’s off.”
[drops mike and leaves the stage, his entourage trailing behind as he heads out of the room. A beaming Bergevin tries to pat him on the arm and hand him a contract written on a napkin as he passes by his table but is rebuffed]
Talk about Markov is getting old
(June 28, 2017)
Signs that Markov was showing his age last season:
— he passed the puck to Weber so he would carry it
— teammates helped him over the boards
— he’d nod off pushing forwards out of the crease
— he switched to 12-ounce sticks
— he tucked his jersey into his hockey pants
— he didn’t wear a mouthguard, he’d just take out his teeth
— he’d get confused and lead the rush skating backwards
— he thought the A stood for Andrei
— he insisted on a bi-focal visor
— he wondered why Subban wasn’t showing up for the meetings
— he’d sit in front of the wrong stall, in the wrong dressing room
— when his shot hit the post, he’d go answer the door
(June 28, 2017)
Signs that Markov was showing his age last season:
— he passed the puck to Weber so he would carry it
— teammates helped him over the boards
— he’d nod off pushing forwards out of the crease
— he switched to 12-ounce sticks
— he tucked his jersey into his hockey pants
— he didn’t wear a mouthguard, he’d just take out his teeth
— he’d get confused and lead the rush skating backwards
— he thought the A stood for Andrei
— he insisted on a bi-focal visor
— he wondered why Subban wasn’t showing up for the meetings
— he’d sit in front of the wrong stall, in the wrong dressing room
— when his shot hit the post, he’d go answer the door
Nyet to Markov and Yak
(June 27, 2017)
‘Tis true it’s a scorer Habs lack
But, lordy, the answer’s not Yak
To say he will fail
Hits the head on a Nail
And makes us cry out: Tabernac!
Markov is a well-seasoned vet
But two years 12 mill should he get?
Down hill he is sliding
That’s not a good tiding
So the answer, old chap, is nyet
(June 27, 2017)
‘Tis true it’s a scorer Habs lack
But, lordy, the answer’s not Yak
To say he will fail
Hits the head on a Nail
And makes us cry out: Tabernac!
Markov is a well-seasoned vet
But two years 12 mill should he get?
Down hill he is sliding
That’s not a good tiding
So the answer, old chap, is nyet
Drouin's acquisition a work of art
(June 17, 2017)
Students of English literature will recall that Montreal’s acquisition of the next French-Canadien superstar was foretold in Thomas Hardy’s famous work of fiction, Jude the Hab Scorer.
(Hardy’s controversial first venture into writing about sports was so poorly received by the critics at the time that he never wrote another novel, devoting the rest of his career to writing poetry, and in so doing, becoming one of the 20th century’s greatest poets.)
For those unfamiliar with Jude the Hab Scorer, routinely listed among the top 100 novels of all time, here is a brief summary:
Jude, newly acquired by a sports franchise that views him as its saviour, is greeted by throngs at the train station and becomes alarmed at their unbridled show of adulation. He is rescued from their clutches by Tess d’Uber Wheels who drives him far from the madding crowd to the suburb of Westmount where he meets his future bride Arabella.
After she leaves him and heads off to Australia to raise their son, Jude has two children out of wedlock with his cousin Sue, his true love (but tragically a fan of the Senators, Cup winners 1903-06, which, as you can imagine, greatly complicates their relationship).
Although his team’s leading scorer five consecutive seasons despite the off-ice distractions, Jude is released by the club citing the morals clause in his contract, and his career ends in obscurity in the Interprovincial Professional Hockey League, where his scoring touch deserts him and he develops the hands of a stonemason.
Undaunted, he opens a hockey school, that teaches not only hockey skills but also life lessons: “I may do some good before I am dead – be a sort of success as a frightful example of what not to do; and so illustrate a moral story.”
And the moral of the story is: When it comes to cousins, stop at a peck on the cheek, or you’ll kiss your career good-bye.
(June 17, 2017)
Students of English literature will recall that Montreal’s acquisition of the next French-Canadien superstar was foretold in Thomas Hardy’s famous work of fiction, Jude the Hab Scorer.
(Hardy’s controversial first venture into writing about sports was so poorly received by the critics at the time that he never wrote another novel, devoting the rest of his career to writing poetry, and in so doing, becoming one of the 20th century’s greatest poets.)
For those unfamiliar with Jude the Hab Scorer, routinely listed among the top 100 novels of all time, here is a brief summary:
Jude, newly acquired by a sports franchise that views him as its saviour, is greeted by throngs at the train station and becomes alarmed at their unbridled show of adulation. He is rescued from their clutches by Tess d’Uber Wheels who drives him far from the madding crowd to the suburb of Westmount where he meets his future bride Arabella.
After she leaves him and heads off to Australia to raise their son, Jude has two children out of wedlock with his cousin Sue, his true love (but tragically a fan of the Senators, Cup winners 1903-06, which, as you can imagine, greatly complicates their relationship).
Although his team’s leading scorer five consecutive seasons despite the off-ice distractions, Jude is released by the club citing the morals clause in his contract, and his career ends in obscurity in the Interprovincial Professional Hockey League, where his scoring touch deserts him and he develops the hands of a stonemason.
Undaunted, he opens a hockey school, that teaches not only hockey skills but also life lessons: “I may do some good before I am dead – be a sort of success as a frightful example of what not to do; and so illustrate a moral story.”
And the moral of the story is: When it comes to cousins, stop at a peck on the cheek, or you’ll kiss your career good-bye.
When you and your partner begin to part ways
(June 6, 2017)
Signs things are cooling between you and your partner:
She stopped kissing you goodnight
She slaps your hand away when you try to hold hers
She forgot Father’s Day, your birthday, your name
She no longer tells you when your fly is open
She hides the remote
She leaves the seat down
He never passes you the puck anymore
He knocks YOU down so YOU can block the shot
He sits two players away from you on the bench
His hugs are half-hearted after you score
He fires the puck out of the zone off your head, not the glass
He deliberately goes offside when you’re leading a two-on-one
He ‘forgets’ to tell you there’s a forward hurtling at you from behind
He refers to you as ‘Dumbo’ in interviews
He gets so defensive about wanting to stay at home
He gives fan sites your cellphone number
He’s a player
He shuts the gate just as you’re about to follow him onto the ice
He’s traded you five times on NHL 17
His pat on the rump doesn’t linger as long
(June 6, 2017)
Signs things are cooling between you and your partner:
She stopped kissing you goodnight
She slaps your hand away when you try to hold hers
She forgot Father’s Day, your birthday, your name
She no longer tells you when your fly is open
She hides the remote
She leaves the seat down
He never passes you the puck anymore
He knocks YOU down so YOU can block the shot
He sits two players away from you on the bench
His hugs are half-hearted after you score
He fires the puck out of the zone off your head, not the glass
He deliberately goes offside when you’re leading a two-on-one
He ‘forgets’ to tell you there’s a forward hurtling at you from behind
He refers to you as ‘Dumbo’ in interviews
He gets so defensive about wanting to stay at home
He gives fan sites your cellphone number
He’s a player
He shuts the gate just as you’re about to follow him onto the ice
He’s traded you five times on NHL 17
His pat on the rump doesn’t linger as long
Thoughts and queries on Victoria Day …
(May 22, 2017)
Surprise fact: There ARE referee inductees in the Hockey Hall of Fame.
If weapons failed as often in combat as hockey sticks shatter in a season, there would be an official inquiry.
The human brain weighs three pounds, a hockey puck six ounces, a ratio of 8:1. Interestingly, the ratio is only 4:1 among certain colour commentators.
We’ve all seen shin pads and mouth guards. What do rearguards look like (and is one side marked bottoms up)?
There have been 98 Cups won. The Canadiens have 24 of them. Realistically, how can any Hab fan’s cup be half-full?
If every goal has a crease, why is it only certain goalies fold?
Hockey is a team sport. If there must be a shootout have every player take a shot. To speed things up have each side take their shots simultaneously. (And the backup goaltenders have to be in for five.)
If a player slashes an opponent speeding by and draws blood, would you say he cuts a dashing figure?
Why does the light turn red when a team scores, shouldn’t it be green for GOaaaaaaaaaal?
I think the person who ices the puck should have to go get it.
(May 22, 2017)
Surprise fact: There ARE referee inductees in the Hockey Hall of Fame.
If weapons failed as often in combat as hockey sticks shatter in a season, there would be an official inquiry.
The human brain weighs three pounds, a hockey puck six ounces, a ratio of 8:1. Interestingly, the ratio is only 4:1 among certain colour commentators.
We’ve all seen shin pads and mouth guards. What do rearguards look like (and is one side marked bottoms up)?
There have been 98 Cups won. The Canadiens have 24 of them. Realistically, how can any Hab fan’s cup be half-full?
If every goal has a crease, why is it only certain goalies fold?
Hockey is a team sport. If there must be a shootout have every player take a shot. To speed things up have each side take their shots simultaneously. (And the backup goaltenders have to be in for five.)
If a player slashes an opponent speeding by and draws blood, would you say he cuts a dashing figure?
Why does the light turn red when a team scores, shouldn’t it be green for GOaaaaaaaaaal?
I think the person who ices the puck should have to go get it.
Crosby 'at fault' for fifth concussion
(May 2, 2017)
New York – The National Hockey League’s Department of Player Safety says Pittsburgh Penguin superstar Sydney Crosby is “largely to blame” for being knocked out of Monday’s game won by the Washington Capitals in overtime.
The department’s three members, who requested anonymity, said they had reviewed video of the incident numerous times – sometimes in slow motion, sometimes without play-by-play man Bob Cole’s voice, sometimes with the lights down and the music loud – and concluded Crosby had been approaching Capital goaltender Braden Holtby “in an overtly aggressive manner” when he was clipped with a high stick by Washington forward Alex Ovechkin.
“Although Mr. Crosby was carrying the puck at the time and would argue he was intent on scoring, he also posed a threat to Mr. Holtby, in that a collision with the goaltender was entirely possible,” they said in a joint ghostwritten statement.
‘The Russian, reading the play and the potential consequence, reasonably apprehended his teammate was at risk of being injured and used the last means available to him – his stick – to prevent that from happening.”
The three said it was unfortunate that Ovechkin’s stick struck Crosby in the head rather than hook him around the shoulder, as is permitted from time to time to time in the playoffs in keeping with the post-season tradition of letting players play “to their utmost with the least amount of restraint, by rule if not stick.”
But Crosby “bears the brunt of the blame for what followed” by veering to this right, causing Ovechkin’s stick to land at a different point from where he intended, the three former players said, speaking from experience.
Crosby then “compounded his error by embellishing his response to a tap on the helmet by falling to the ice in so awkward a fashion that it was clearly designed to draw a penalty,” the trio said.
“Unfortunately, his selfish decision put him on a course where he would have rammed into the knees of Matt Niskanen had the Washington defenceman not protected himself by using his stick to halt Mr. Crosby’s advance,” they said. “Viewed in this light, Mr. Niskanen’s defensive action was entirely appropriate and should have not have resulted in a five minute major and game misconduct. In fact, we have forwarded our findings to the NHL’s statistics people and asked that Mr. Niskanen’s penalties be stricken from the record.”
The Department of Player Safety also sent a note to the league’s Department of Hockey Operations asking for confirmation that Crosby, who’s known around the league as a diver, will be fined $2,000 for embellishment.
It was the fifth concussion for the two-time league MVP who has acquired a reputation among players as someone “with a glass skull.”
(May 2, 2017)
New York – The National Hockey League’s Department of Player Safety says Pittsburgh Penguin superstar Sydney Crosby is “largely to blame” for being knocked out of Monday’s game won by the Washington Capitals in overtime.
The department’s three members, who requested anonymity, said they had reviewed video of the incident numerous times – sometimes in slow motion, sometimes without play-by-play man Bob Cole’s voice, sometimes with the lights down and the music loud – and concluded Crosby had been approaching Capital goaltender Braden Holtby “in an overtly aggressive manner” when he was clipped with a high stick by Washington forward Alex Ovechkin.
“Although Mr. Crosby was carrying the puck at the time and would argue he was intent on scoring, he also posed a threat to Mr. Holtby, in that a collision with the goaltender was entirely possible,” they said in a joint ghostwritten statement.
‘The Russian, reading the play and the potential consequence, reasonably apprehended his teammate was at risk of being injured and used the last means available to him – his stick – to prevent that from happening.”
The three said it was unfortunate that Ovechkin’s stick struck Crosby in the head rather than hook him around the shoulder, as is permitted from time to time to time in the playoffs in keeping with the post-season tradition of letting players play “to their utmost with the least amount of restraint, by rule if not stick.”
But Crosby “bears the brunt of the blame for what followed” by veering to this right, causing Ovechkin’s stick to land at a different point from where he intended, the three former players said, speaking from experience.
Crosby then “compounded his error by embellishing his response to a tap on the helmet by falling to the ice in so awkward a fashion that it was clearly designed to draw a penalty,” the trio said.
“Unfortunately, his selfish decision put him on a course where he would have rammed into the knees of Matt Niskanen had the Washington defenceman not protected himself by using his stick to halt Mr. Crosby’s advance,” they said. “Viewed in this light, Mr. Niskanen’s defensive action was entirely appropriate and should have not have resulted in a five minute major and game misconduct. In fact, we have forwarded our findings to the NHL’s statistics people and asked that Mr. Niskanen’s penalties be stricken from the record.”
The Department of Player Safety also sent a note to the league’s Department of Hockey Operations asking for confirmation that Crosby, who’s known around the league as a diver, will be fined $2,000 for embellishment.
It was the fifth concussion for the two-time league MVP who has acquired a reputation among players as someone “with a glass skull.”
Let them play -- or not
(April 17, 2017)
Is there a dumber notion than the view oft-expressed that referees making scant use of their whistles in overtime are “letting the players play”?
The flip side of that debased coin is that they’re “NOT letting the players play”-- the ones who are hooked, slashed, tripped, held, cross-checked, and so on.
Why is there this compulsion to cast a benign eye on obvious fouls and infractions when the stakes are at their highest?
If the answer is no-holds-barred action makes for exciting drama, then let the players go at it full tilt from the get-go.
But who am I to argue the entertainment value of tic-tac-toe plays, one-handed goals, and precision saucer passes when there’s so much more joy to be had in watching athletes operate outside the rules with sanctioned abandon.
Would it help if the players who exhibited great sportsmanship throughout their careers were to don striped shirts post-retirement? It wouldn’t be for the money but to remain connected to a sport they love, and to uphold a standard of play they set by their example over the years.
It’s clear these fellows will never get a shot at being employed by the Department of Player Safety, so why not give them an opportunity to change hockey for the better in a way that will reduce those instances where supplemental discipline is required (but seldom administered with the severity too many of the offences warrant).
It all comes down to, who do you like better: clutch players or players who clutch?
(April 17, 2017)
Is there a dumber notion than the view oft-expressed that referees making scant use of their whistles in overtime are “letting the players play”?
The flip side of that debased coin is that they’re “NOT letting the players play”-- the ones who are hooked, slashed, tripped, held, cross-checked, and so on.
Why is there this compulsion to cast a benign eye on obvious fouls and infractions when the stakes are at their highest?
If the answer is no-holds-barred action makes for exciting drama, then let the players go at it full tilt from the get-go.
But who am I to argue the entertainment value of tic-tac-toe plays, one-handed goals, and precision saucer passes when there’s so much more joy to be had in watching athletes operate outside the rules with sanctioned abandon.
Would it help if the players who exhibited great sportsmanship throughout their careers were to don striped shirts post-retirement? It wouldn’t be for the money but to remain connected to a sport they love, and to uphold a standard of play they set by their example over the years.
It’s clear these fellows will never get a shot at being employed by the Department of Player Safety, so why not give them an opportunity to change hockey for the better in a way that will reduce those instances where supplemental discipline is required (but seldom administered with the severity too many of the offences warrant).
It all comes down to, who do you like better: clutch players or players who clutch?
Ad-verse-ty
(March 18, 2017)
A poem by Gladstone Auburn Igglethorpe
When the team is doing badly
Their play seems out of synch
Do not despair, bewail, lament
Put down the hemlock drink.
Take no offence when they have none
Rip not their power play.
They try their best, what's more to ask?
Three goals a game, you say?
Ah, it is to laugh, and so we must
To keep an even keel
And not give in to bitter thoughts
That ruin our commonweal
For we as fans hold in our hands
The power to dispense
A wisdom of the highest sort
A knowledge that's immense
We watch the games, we've played the sport!
Our bona fides? Unmatched
So when the team in error plays
Solutions are dispatched
By posts, by calls, by Twitter tweets
Our nostrums we will share
We do it for this fact alone:
To show we really care
New lines, big trades, draft choices, too!
Our knowledge knows no bounds!
Truth be told, we're seldom wrong
Immodest though it sounds
So when the club's not up to snuff
It seems we have no sway
Remember this: MT is gone
And so is Desharnais
Who managed that? Why we, of course,
We did it with our clamour
We told MB what must be fixed
And handed him the hammer
So if you're feeling down and out
The Habs are in a swoon
Don't pull your hair, don't beat your brow
Don't let your faith be hewn
The journey to the Promised Land
Is arduous and long.
It isn't for the faint of heart,
Whose will is far from strong.
Just stay the course, though failures mount
While smiling through the tears
You've waited this long for a Cup
So what's a few more years?
The time will come the team prevails
They'll reach the land of roses
Just pray to God that you'll be there:
Made it – unlike Moses.
(March 18, 2017)
A poem by Gladstone Auburn Igglethorpe
When the team is doing badly
Their play seems out of synch
Do not despair, bewail, lament
Put down the hemlock drink.
Take no offence when they have none
Rip not their power play.
They try their best, what's more to ask?
Three goals a game, you say?
Ah, it is to laugh, and so we must
To keep an even keel
And not give in to bitter thoughts
That ruin our commonweal
For we as fans hold in our hands
The power to dispense
A wisdom of the highest sort
A knowledge that's immense
We watch the games, we've played the sport!
Our bona fides? Unmatched
So when the team in error plays
Solutions are dispatched
By posts, by calls, by Twitter tweets
Our nostrums we will share
We do it for this fact alone:
To show we really care
New lines, big trades, draft choices, too!
Our knowledge knows no bounds!
Truth be told, we're seldom wrong
Immodest though it sounds
So when the club's not up to snuff
It seems we have no sway
Remember this: MT is gone
And so is Desharnais
Who managed that? Why we, of course,
We did it with our clamour
We told MB what must be fixed
And handed him the hammer
So if you're feeling down and out
The Habs are in a swoon
Don't pull your hair, don't beat your brow
Don't let your faith be hewn
The journey to the Promised Land
Is arduous and long.
It isn't for the faint of heart,
Whose will is far from strong.
Just stay the course, though failures mount
While smiling through the tears
You've waited this long for a Cup
So what's a few more years?
The time will come the team prevails
They'll reach the land of roses
Just pray to God that you'll be there:
Made it – unlike Moses.
How well do you know Christmas?
(Dec. 23, 2016)
A noel is
— a picard
— a contraction committing one to performing a deed, as in “Noel do it.’
— a Christmas carol
— a slurred slur for a person whose knowledge knows no bounds
Wassailing is
— going door-to-door selling water heaters under false pretences
— to account for one’s whereabouts after missing a family function
— to pass on good wishes to family and friends
— to pass out
Mistletoe is
— a parasitic plant
— an ingenious excuse to initiate intimate relations
— a reprehensible mechanism for introducing socially awkward moments
— a weaponized digit yet to be tested in the field of battle for want of volunteers
Figgy pudding is
— a dessert filled with fruit set on fire to provide warmth
— proof that’s dodgy
— any custard said to contain 1,000 calories per spoonful
— a mess of dire circumstances impossible to escape
Poinsettia is
— often mispelled
— a trail of droplets left by a puppy not house-broken
— the use of eye and brow to direct another’s attention to the person behaving oddly to the left (or to the right)
— a plant native to Central America
Nog is
— a character in the television series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
— a beverage made with beaten eggs
— nasal drip
— to dip one’s head at the approach of a stranger in a mist
(Dec. 23, 2016)
A noel is
— a picard
— a contraction committing one to performing a deed, as in “Noel do it.’
— a Christmas carol
— a slurred slur for a person whose knowledge knows no bounds
Wassailing is
— going door-to-door selling water heaters under false pretences
— to account for one’s whereabouts after missing a family function
— to pass on good wishes to family and friends
— to pass out
Mistletoe is
— a parasitic plant
— an ingenious excuse to initiate intimate relations
— a reprehensible mechanism for introducing socially awkward moments
— a weaponized digit yet to be tested in the field of battle for want of volunteers
Figgy pudding is
— a dessert filled with fruit set on fire to provide warmth
— proof that’s dodgy
— any custard said to contain 1,000 calories per spoonful
— a mess of dire circumstances impossible to escape
Poinsettia is
— often mispelled
— a trail of droplets left by a puppy not house-broken
— the use of eye and brow to direct another’s attention to the person behaving oddly to the left (or to the right)
— a plant native to Central America
Nog is
— a character in the television series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
— a beverage made with beaten eggs
— nasal drip
— to dip one’s head at the approach of a stranger in a mist
How blue is your true?
(Dec. 16, 2016)
Are you a Canadiens fan, a TRUE Canadiens fan?
Take the quiz and find out.
1. Do you know the name of:
A. The team’s chief financial officer?
B. The team’s founder?
C. The team’s president?
D. The team’s coach?
2. Do you:
A. Have a tattoo of the team’s logo?
B. Paint your face team colours before attending a game?
C. Drink Molson beer exclusively?
D. Check the scores in the morning?
3. Do you:
A. Make fun of Bruins fans?
B. Make fun of Leafs fans?
C. Make fun of Oilers fans?
D. Make fun of Canadiens fans?
4. Do you:
A. Phone into sports shows to complain about the Canadiens’ coach?
B. Post scathing comments about the Canadiens’ GM?
C. Email the team president demanding he make wholesale changes?
D. Get drunk after Montreal gives up the first goal?
5. Is your favourite Canadien:
A. An All-Star and leader?
B. Hard-working and talented?
C. Now playing for another team?
D. Dead?
6. After a loss do you:
A. Weep uncontrollably?
B. Curse vehemently?
C. Pace furiously?
D. Sleep soundly?
7. After a win do you:
A. Cheer deliriously?
B. Jump excitedly?
C. Grin broadly?
D. Complain unenthusiastically?
8. When you’re at home watching the game and the team is losing do you:
A. Throw things at the TV?
B. Change the channel?
C. Read a book?
D. Start writing down things to criticize when you go online?
9. Do you try to help the team by:
A. Scouting future draft choices?
B. Suggesting trades?
C. Proposing lines?
D. Identifying innumerable flaws in need of immediate attention?
10. Would you say your expectations of a Stanley Cup victory are:
A. Grounded in fact?
B. Supported by evidence?
C. Not without merit?
D. Delusional in the extreme?
Bonus question
Are you so committed a Canadiens fan that you:
A. Pledge allegiance to the crest?
B. Wear team colours whenever you go shopping?
C. Describe your accessories as paraphernalia?
D. Did this quiz?
Give yourself four points for every question you answered A, three for B, two for C and one for D.
If you scored at least 35, you are a dyed-in-the-holy-flannel Canadiens fan.
If you scored 30 or more, you are a true-bleu believer.
If you scored under 30 points but more than 15, you are a fair weather, bandwagon-hopping, prestige-seeking ne-er-do-well
If you scored under 15 points, thanks for taking the quiz, troll.
(Dec. 16, 2016)
Are you a Canadiens fan, a TRUE Canadiens fan?
Take the quiz and find out.
1. Do you know the name of:
A. The team’s chief financial officer?
B. The team’s founder?
C. The team’s president?
D. The team’s coach?
2. Do you:
A. Have a tattoo of the team’s logo?
B. Paint your face team colours before attending a game?
C. Drink Molson beer exclusively?
D. Check the scores in the morning?
3. Do you:
A. Make fun of Bruins fans?
B. Make fun of Leafs fans?
C. Make fun of Oilers fans?
D. Make fun of Canadiens fans?
4. Do you:
A. Phone into sports shows to complain about the Canadiens’ coach?
B. Post scathing comments about the Canadiens’ GM?
C. Email the team president demanding he make wholesale changes?
D. Get drunk after Montreal gives up the first goal?
5. Is your favourite Canadien:
A. An All-Star and leader?
B. Hard-working and talented?
C. Now playing for another team?
D. Dead?
6. After a loss do you:
A. Weep uncontrollably?
B. Curse vehemently?
C. Pace furiously?
D. Sleep soundly?
7. After a win do you:
A. Cheer deliriously?
B. Jump excitedly?
C. Grin broadly?
D. Complain unenthusiastically?
8. When you’re at home watching the game and the team is losing do you:
A. Throw things at the TV?
B. Change the channel?
C. Read a book?
D. Start writing down things to criticize when you go online?
9. Do you try to help the team by:
A. Scouting future draft choices?
B. Suggesting trades?
C. Proposing lines?
D. Identifying innumerable flaws in need of immediate attention?
10. Would you say your expectations of a Stanley Cup victory are:
A. Grounded in fact?
B. Supported by evidence?
C. Not without merit?
D. Delusional in the extreme?
Bonus question
Are you so committed a Canadiens fan that you:
A. Pledge allegiance to the crest?
B. Wear team colours whenever you go shopping?
C. Describe your accessories as paraphernalia?
D. Did this quiz?
Give yourself four points for every question you answered A, three for B, two for C and one for D.
If you scored at least 35, you are a dyed-in-the-holy-flannel Canadiens fan.
If you scored 30 or more, you are a true-bleu believer.
If you scored under 30 points but more than 15, you are a fair weather, bandwagon-hopping, prestige-seeking ne-er-do-well
If you scored under 15 points, thanks for taking the quiz, troll.
10 things you didn’t know about No. 51
(Nov. 22, 2016)
1. What do David Desharnais and One Direction have in common?
They haven’t had a hit in six months. And both are on hiatus.
2. Did you know Desharnais is a graduate of the Monty Python School of Soft Knocks? He got top marks in the Nudge Nudge Wink Wink class of body checking.
3. Here’s the scenario: It’s the playoffs, the pressure’s on, players are fighting for the puck at every turn. If Desharnais and Inge Hammarstrom went into a corner together with a half-dozen eggs in their pockets, who would crack first?
4. Desharnais is a playmaker, that’s it, so why are we surprised he passes on hitting?
5. What does Desharnais have in common with theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking? Both are in favour of non-contact (with Hawking it’s aliens, with Desharnais it’s Earthlings).
6. Hit: to use physical force to cause another player to be separated from the puck (or regret having touched it).
Conclusion: Davey’s not a separatist.
7. Desharnais is on pace for a Cy Young season. He’s had 18 no-hitters.
8. Why should defencemen with the puck dread it when Desharnais is bearing down on them? It’s always touch-and-go what happens.
9. Name three things Desharnais has never thrown this season: a game, a temper tantrum, a body check. What does the last one make fans want to do? Throw up.
10. What’s the difference between a love tap by Lucic and a love tap by Desharnais?
With Lucic, it’s the victim who’s emasculated.*
* “deprived of strength”
(Nov. 22, 2016)
1. What do David Desharnais and One Direction have in common?
They haven’t had a hit in six months. And both are on hiatus.
2. Did you know Desharnais is a graduate of the Monty Python School of Soft Knocks? He got top marks in the Nudge Nudge Wink Wink class of body checking.
3. Here’s the scenario: It’s the playoffs, the pressure’s on, players are fighting for the puck at every turn. If Desharnais and Inge Hammarstrom went into a corner together with a half-dozen eggs in their pockets, who would crack first?
4. Desharnais is a playmaker, that’s it, so why are we surprised he passes on hitting?
5. What does Desharnais have in common with theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking? Both are in favour of non-contact (with Hawking it’s aliens, with Desharnais it’s Earthlings).
6. Hit: to use physical force to cause another player to be separated from the puck (or regret having touched it).
Conclusion: Davey’s not a separatist.
7. Desharnais is on pace for a Cy Young season. He’s had 18 no-hitters.
8. Why should defencemen with the puck dread it when Desharnais is bearing down on them? It’s always touch-and-go what happens.
9. Name three things Desharnais has never thrown this season: a game, a temper tantrum, a body check. What does the last one make fans want to do? Throw up.
10. What’s the difference between a love tap by Lucic and a love tap by Desharnais?
With Lucic, it’s the victim who’s emasculated.*
* “deprived of strength”
Habs set record! Wait, it's a fantasy
(Nov. 2, 2016)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have a shot of breaking the franchise record for most wins in the regular season.
The team currently has 58, and needs to sweep its final three games to surpass the mark set by the 1976-77 squad, considered one of the greatest in National Hockey League history.
That team featured nine National Hockey League Hall of Famers. This year’s version has just three surefire HOF inductees – Carey Price, Shea Weber and Andre Markov – and possibly a fourth in Tomas Plekanec
Captain Max Pacioretty could make it five if he can continue this year’s pace, 48 goals in an injury-free season.
The 1976-77 Stanley Cup champions also had two other Hall of Famers, coach Scotty Bowman and general manager Sam Pollock, so the success of this year’s team is all the more remarkable – many would argue shocking – because Montreal’s “foxhole” buddies, GM Marc Bergevin and coach Michel Therrien, have been ridiculed by a fan base dominated by doubting Thomases.
But the duo are slowly winning them over – three undefeated streaks of 12 games or more and no back-to-back losses have certainly helped – and an outreach program by Therrien where he answers post-game questions by fans has garnered him accolades.
Associate coach Kirk Muller has also earned plaudits by overhauling the once-pitiful power play and turning it into the league’s best. With a success rate of 32 per cent, it’s a shade better than the NHL record set by the 1977-78 Canadiens, another Cup-winner.
Muller was also credited for smoothing the departure of David Desharnais, creating an opening for Mike McCarron, who is now living up to the expectations created by his first-round selection in the 2013 entry draft.
Therrien was distraught over losing his cherished centre in a blockbuster trade at deadline that saw Desharnais, defenceman Nate Beaulieu and a first-round pick go to the Chicago Blackhawks for a supposedly washed-up Duncan Keith and future considerations tied to Montreal winning it all this year.
Insiders say Muller took Therrien in his arms and convinced him to remain as coach, assuring him Desharnais, a free agent next summer, would be resigned.
With half its defence corps over the age of 30, Montreal is banking on its three star rearguards being able to handle the rigours of the playoffs. Therrien has prepared the trio for post-season play by reducing their TOI to under 20 minutes in recent weeks, asking veteran Jeff Petry to take on a greater workload and giving Greg Pateryn and Joel Hanley an opportunity to prove their mettle on a consistent basis.
All three have responded to the challenge and Hanley is third in scoring among NHL defencemen with 43 assists.
Price is also well-rested for the playoffs, having been put on a schedule of alternate games for the past month.
Backup Al Montoya hasn’t disappointed, and is on the verge of finishing with a GA lower than the 2.09 that Michel Laroque achieved playing behind Hall of Famer Ken Dryden in 1976-77.
Still, there are skeptics who insist the team will crash and burn in the playoffs, compiling numerous statistics showing Montreal in the league’s mid-range for most categories and the beneficiary of “a favourable good luck quotient” they say is unsustainable.
Even Las Vegas has put the odds of the Canadiens becoming champs at 20-1, citing the Therrien factor.
“I don’t care if he does win 61 games, I just don’t like him,” said one odds-maker.
(Nov. 2, 2016)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have a shot of breaking the franchise record for most wins in the regular season.
The team currently has 58, and needs to sweep its final three games to surpass the mark set by the 1976-77 squad, considered one of the greatest in National Hockey League history.
That team featured nine National Hockey League Hall of Famers. This year’s version has just three surefire HOF inductees – Carey Price, Shea Weber and Andre Markov – and possibly a fourth in Tomas Plekanec
Captain Max Pacioretty could make it five if he can continue this year’s pace, 48 goals in an injury-free season.
The 1976-77 Stanley Cup champions also had two other Hall of Famers, coach Scotty Bowman and general manager Sam Pollock, so the success of this year’s team is all the more remarkable – many would argue shocking – because Montreal’s “foxhole” buddies, GM Marc Bergevin and coach Michel Therrien, have been ridiculed by a fan base dominated by doubting Thomases.
But the duo are slowly winning them over – three undefeated streaks of 12 games or more and no back-to-back losses have certainly helped – and an outreach program by Therrien where he answers post-game questions by fans has garnered him accolades.
Associate coach Kirk Muller has also earned plaudits by overhauling the once-pitiful power play and turning it into the league’s best. With a success rate of 32 per cent, it’s a shade better than the NHL record set by the 1977-78 Canadiens, another Cup-winner.
Muller was also credited for smoothing the departure of David Desharnais, creating an opening for Mike McCarron, who is now living up to the expectations created by his first-round selection in the 2013 entry draft.
Therrien was distraught over losing his cherished centre in a blockbuster trade at deadline that saw Desharnais, defenceman Nate Beaulieu and a first-round pick go to the Chicago Blackhawks for a supposedly washed-up Duncan Keith and future considerations tied to Montreal winning it all this year.
Insiders say Muller took Therrien in his arms and convinced him to remain as coach, assuring him Desharnais, a free agent next summer, would be resigned.
With half its defence corps over the age of 30, Montreal is banking on its three star rearguards being able to handle the rigours of the playoffs. Therrien has prepared the trio for post-season play by reducing their TOI to under 20 minutes in recent weeks, asking veteran Jeff Petry to take on a greater workload and giving Greg Pateryn and Joel Hanley an opportunity to prove their mettle on a consistent basis.
All three have responded to the challenge and Hanley is third in scoring among NHL defencemen with 43 assists.
Price is also well-rested for the playoffs, having been put on a schedule of alternate games for the past month.
Backup Al Montoya hasn’t disappointed, and is on the verge of finishing with a GA lower than the 2.09 that Michel Laroque achieved playing behind Hall of Famer Ken Dryden in 1976-77.
Still, there are skeptics who insist the team will crash and burn in the playoffs, compiling numerous statistics showing Montreal in the league’s mid-range for most categories and the beneficiary of “a favourable good luck quotient” they say is unsustainable.
Even Las Vegas has put the odds of the Canadiens becoming champs at 20-1, citing the Therrien factor.
“I don’t care if he does win 61 games, I just don’t like him,” said one odds-maker.
Q & A with Ab Nothing
(Oct. 3, 2016)
Well, Ab, you’ve been traded again. Doesn’t it get tiring being moved around so much after more than 15 years in the league?
Yes, yes, it does. Actually, I’m surprised I get traded as often as I do. You talk to general managers every day about deals in the works, how many times have you heard one say ‘I want Nothing in return’?
Not once, I have to admit. And yet, somehow, you always end up on another team. How does that happen?
Beats me. A lot of times I”ve learned about it in the newspaper, when they say so-and-so got Nothing for a former first-round pick, or a defenceman that didn’t pan out. That’s when I start packing my bags and booking a flight to my new home.
What sort of reception do you get?
Not very nice, let me tell you. My new teammates make it clear they aren’t happy having management trade away one of their friends for Nothing. They almost spit it in my face when they say it, they’re so upset.
Did you ever envision this is how your career would go when you finally made it to the NHL?
Well, that first training camp, it went down the wire whether or not I would make the team. There was one roster spot left to fill and it was between me and another player. They decided go with the other guy, All
.
Then what happened?
I went back to the minors and had played half a season when I got picked up by another team. I heard later they were looking for a player who could score 50 goals, skate like the wind, and hit like a truck, and when my GM said “I got Nothing,” I was on a plane to the West Coast.
As with all your stints with clubs, it wasn’t a long one, was it?
No, they never are. I just seem to wear out my welcome somehow. But I always end up with another team. And not once have I ever got a phone call from a GM saying I’ve been traded. Usually I’m watching a sports show and I see something scrolling across the bottom of the TV like: Good for Nothing.
I don’t watch those shows anymore. It got pretty depressing when they’d find out out I was starting in net and they’d announce it by saying: Nothing to lose.
You had a brother play in the NHL for a short spell, didn’t you?
Yeah, Dewey. Or Dew’ as he was called. You’re right, he didn’t last long. Didn’t have the stamina, I guess.
Before I forget, I heard a rumour your family tree includes a well-known figure from Hollywood and Broadway?
Yeah, yeah, Zero Mostel. He was quite the character, my cousin. Nothing like his sister, Nil. Talk about no personality.
Well, thanks for taking the time to chat, Ab. Is that short for Abner by the way?
No, Absolutely. Want me to say it again? No?
One last question: Is this your last season?
Probably. I’ve paid my dues. The NHL won’t have me to kick around anymore. I honestly believe the fans will miss me, though. They’ll soon regret what it means to support a no-Nothing league.
(Oct. 3, 2016)
Well, Ab, you’ve been traded again. Doesn’t it get tiring being moved around so much after more than 15 years in the league?
Yes, yes, it does. Actually, I’m surprised I get traded as often as I do. You talk to general managers every day about deals in the works, how many times have you heard one say ‘I want Nothing in return’?
Not once, I have to admit. And yet, somehow, you always end up on another team. How does that happen?
Beats me. A lot of times I”ve learned about it in the newspaper, when they say so-and-so got Nothing for a former first-round pick, or a defenceman that didn’t pan out. That’s when I start packing my bags and booking a flight to my new home.
What sort of reception do you get?
Not very nice, let me tell you. My new teammates make it clear they aren’t happy having management trade away one of their friends for Nothing. They almost spit it in my face when they say it, they’re so upset.
Did you ever envision this is how your career would go when you finally made it to the NHL?
Well, that first training camp, it went down the wire whether or not I would make the team. There was one roster spot left to fill and it was between me and another player. They decided go with the other guy, All
.
Then what happened?
I went back to the minors and had played half a season when I got picked up by another team. I heard later they were looking for a player who could score 50 goals, skate like the wind, and hit like a truck, and when my GM said “I got Nothing,” I was on a plane to the West Coast.
As with all your stints with clubs, it wasn’t a long one, was it?
No, they never are. I just seem to wear out my welcome somehow. But I always end up with another team. And not once have I ever got a phone call from a GM saying I’ve been traded. Usually I’m watching a sports show and I see something scrolling across the bottom of the TV like: Good for Nothing.
I don’t watch those shows anymore. It got pretty depressing when they’d find out out I was starting in net and they’d announce it by saying: Nothing to lose.
You had a brother play in the NHL for a short spell, didn’t you?
Yeah, Dewey. Or Dew’ as he was called. You’re right, he didn’t last long. Didn’t have the stamina, I guess.
Before I forget, I heard a rumour your family tree includes a well-known figure from Hollywood and Broadway?
Yeah, yeah, Zero Mostel. He was quite the character, my cousin. Nothing like his sister, Nil. Talk about no personality.
Well, thanks for taking the time to chat, Ab. Is that short for Abner by the way?
No, Absolutely. Want me to say it again? No?
One last question: Is this your last season?
Probably. I’ve paid my dues. The NHL won’t have me to kick around anymore. I honestly believe the fans will miss me, though. They’ll soon regret what it means to support a no-Nothing league.
Patches 'not worst captain': Therrien
(Sept. 13, 2016)
I hate having my afternoon siestas interrupted but when it became obvious I wasn’t going to be able to nap, with all the text messages from lowlifes wanting the lowdown on what happened, I made a few phone calls.
And after I was done ordering pizza, placing bets and making an appointment for a pedicure, I Skyped MT and he told me that… well, here’s the scoop:
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien says he made his remarks about captain Max Pacioretty while in “a drunken stupor after smoking crack cocaine.”
But the unidentified eavesdropper “still got it all wrong” when he accused Therrien of having called Pacioretty the worst captain in the history of the Canadiens.
“I didn’t say as a captain he’s the worst, I said he’s averse – to going to the net, to being rammed into stanchions, to getting embroiled in controversy, to having loudmouth teammates,” Therrien said. “Does that sound like I’m being critical of him?”
Besides, it was the beer, wine, vodka, rum, rye, gin and vermouth talking, not the coach, Therrien insisted.
“And I’m pretty sure the crack cocaine didn’t help, twisting my words around.”
Therrien did offer an apology to Pacioretty “if he was in any way offended by what others have said I said. Because I’m almost certain I never said it.”
The beleaguered, embattled and much maligned coach who’s feeling the heat also denied having impugned another player, PK Subban.
The online community is abuzz with reports that Therrien called his former star defenceman “a blackguard,” which Therrien furiously dismissed as “an outright lie.”
“What I said, in describing him to my golfing buddies who don’t really follow hockey, was that Subban is a black rearguard, and the snoop listening in on our private conversation obviously misheard what I said,” Therrien said. “Which is understandable. I was slurring my words. But I wasn’t slurring PK. After all he did for this team, I would never blacken his reputation.”
When asked about comments he apparently made about general manager Marc Bergevin being his “—hole” buddy, Therrien hung up.
(Sept. 13, 2016)
I hate having my afternoon siestas interrupted but when it became obvious I wasn’t going to be able to nap, with all the text messages from lowlifes wanting the lowdown on what happened, I made a few phone calls.
And after I was done ordering pizza, placing bets and making an appointment for a pedicure, I Skyped MT and he told me that… well, here’s the scoop:
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien says he made his remarks about captain Max Pacioretty while in “a drunken stupor after smoking crack cocaine.”
But the unidentified eavesdropper “still got it all wrong” when he accused Therrien of having called Pacioretty the worst captain in the history of the Canadiens.
“I didn’t say as a captain he’s the worst, I said he’s averse – to going to the net, to being rammed into stanchions, to getting embroiled in controversy, to having loudmouth teammates,” Therrien said. “Does that sound like I’m being critical of him?”
Besides, it was the beer, wine, vodka, rum, rye, gin and vermouth talking, not the coach, Therrien insisted.
“And I’m pretty sure the crack cocaine didn’t help, twisting my words around.”
Therrien did offer an apology to Pacioretty “if he was in any way offended by what others have said I said. Because I’m almost certain I never said it.”
The beleaguered, embattled and much maligned coach who’s feeling the heat also denied having impugned another player, PK Subban.
The online community is abuzz with reports that Therrien called his former star defenceman “a blackguard,” which Therrien furiously dismissed as “an outright lie.”
“What I said, in describing him to my golfing buddies who don’t really follow hockey, was that Subban is a black rearguard, and the snoop listening in on our private conversation obviously misheard what I said,” Therrien said. “Which is understandable. I was slurring my words. But I wasn’t slurring PK. After all he did for this team, I would never blacken his reputation.”
When asked about comments he apparently made about general manager Marc Bergevin being his “—hole” buddy, Therrien hung up.
A primer on Post-Trade Stress Disorder
(Sept. 12, 2016)
Someone has to say it – and I know many of you have been thinking it – because we can’t keep it under the rug any longer.
Post-Trade Stress Disorder IS a problem for many who visit this site and it won’t go away on its own. Nor will they, so it’s time we dealt with the issue out in the open.
First, what exactly is PTSD?
According to the Mayo Clinic it’s “a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event.”
Yep, the day PK Subban, an irrepressible force, got traded for an immobile object. People say the Canadiens got stiffed.
PTSD symptoms may include flashbacks – oh boy, do they include flashbacks, sometimes in the form of threads or columns – as well as nightmares, severe anxiety and “uncontrollable thoughts about the event,” which posters have been more than willing to share with others, usually directed toward the persons who precipitated their crisis.
“Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don’t have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning” — and others' – “you may have PTSD.”
So what are the symptoms? The Mayo says they might start within three months of a traumatic event or even years later.
The time stamps on HIO posts will show PTSD manifested itself within three seconds of the trade,and that many ardent Canadien fans began behaving in a disorderly fashion immediately.
The clinic says there are four types of symptoms: “intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, or changes in emotional reactions.”
We know the memories are intrusive, intruding quite often into this forum. There is scant evidence, however, of avoidance, where those suffering from PTSD stay clear of places (HIO), activities (posting comments) or people (popularly referred to as Pollyannas but which medical science classifies as Yays).
However, there is abundant evidence of negative changes in thinking, mood and, occasionally, avatars. Most often those negative feelings are directed toward others, particularly those holding positions of responsibility in the Montreal Canadiens organization but also frequently a poster’s peers.
There’s also an “inability to experience positive emotions” and a tendency to lash out at those who can.
[Okay, take a break. We’re almost at the end. Hey, where you goin’?]
Moreover, there’s a sense of hopelessness about the future, not just the 2016-17 season but the rest of the 21st century (unless the team is able to land a number of high draft picks in a row, which, paradoxically, the Nays, as they are referred to by social scientists, are positive will happen).
Memory problems emerge, “including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event” such as an all-star defenceman, albeit declining at a rapid rate, coming the other way in the trade.
Changes in emotional reactions might include “irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behaviour” and those looking for examples of these need only flip back to Older Comments and earlier threads to find what they’re looking for.
Interestingly, there has been no evidence of “overwhelming guilt or shame” by those suffering from PTSD but certainly ample proof of a determined effort on their part to make others feel that way.
The Mayo Clinic suggests that anyone with “disturbing thoughts and feelings about a traumatic event for more than a month,” or who is having trouble getting his life back under control,” should seek the services of a health-care professional and get treatment “ as soon as possible to help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.”
That road to recovery is no longer available to most PTSD sufferers who frequent HIO, and we have only ourselves to blame for letting it happen, sitting idly by and not reaching out more to the commiseratti.
My only suggestion, admittedly feeble, is that those weighed under by PTSD help themselves by calling 1-800-HUG-GIES and speaking to a live person just waiting to spread cheer.
It’s free, so that’s worth a smile right there.
(If not, the call line people will also let you yell at them for five minutes.)
(Sept. 12, 2016)
Someone has to say it – and I know many of you have been thinking it – because we can’t keep it under the rug any longer.
Post-Trade Stress Disorder IS a problem for many who visit this site and it won’t go away on its own. Nor will they, so it’s time we dealt with the issue out in the open.
First, what exactly is PTSD?
According to the Mayo Clinic it’s “a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event.”
Yep, the day PK Subban, an irrepressible force, got traded for an immobile object. People say the Canadiens got stiffed.
PTSD symptoms may include flashbacks – oh boy, do they include flashbacks, sometimes in the form of threads or columns – as well as nightmares, severe anxiety and “uncontrollable thoughts about the event,” which posters have been more than willing to share with others, usually directed toward the persons who precipitated their crisis.
“Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don’t have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning” — and others' – “you may have PTSD.”
So what are the symptoms? The Mayo says they might start within three months of a traumatic event or even years later.
The time stamps on HIO posts will show PTSD manifested itself within three seconds of the trade,and that many ardent Canadien fans began behaving in a disorderly fashion immediately.
The clinic says there are four types of symptoms: “intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, or changes in emotional reactions.”
We know the memories are intrusive, intruding quite often into this forum. There is scant evidence, however, of avoidance, where those suffering from PTSD stay clear of places (HIO), activities (posting comments) or people (popularly referred to as Pollyannas but which medical science classifies as Yays).
However, there is abundant evidence of negative changes in thinking, mood and, occasionally, avatars. Most often those negative feelings are directed toward others, particularly those holding positions of responsibility in the Montreal Canadiens organization but also frequently a poster’s peers.
There’s also an “inability to experience positive emotions” and a tendency to lash out at those who can.
[Okay, take a break. We’re almost at the end. Hey, where you goin’?]
Moreover, there’s a sense of hopelessness about the future, not just the 2016-17 season but the rest of the 21st century (unless the team is able to land a number of high draft picks in a row, which, paradoxically, the Nays, as they are referred to by social scientists, are positive will happen).
Memory problems emerge, “including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event” such as an all-star defenceman, albeit declining at a rapid rate, coming the other way in the trade.
Changes in emotional reactions might include “irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behaviour” and those looking for examples of these need only flip back to Older Comments and earlier threads to find what they’re looking for.
Interestingly, there has been no evidence of “overwhelming guilt or shame” by those suffering from PTSD but certainly ample proof of a determined effort on their part to make others feel that way.
The Mayo Clinic suggests that anyone with “disturbing thoughts and feelings about a traumatic event for more than a month,” or who is having trouble getting his life back under control,” should seek the services of a health-care professional and get treatment “ as soon as possible to help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse.”
That road to recovery is no longer available to most PTSD sufferers who frequent HIO, and we have only ourselves to blame for letting it happen, sitting idly by and not reaching out more to the commiseratti.
My only suggestion, admittedly feeble, is that those weighed under by PTSD help themselves by calling 1-800-HUG-GIES and speaking to a live person just waiting to spread cheer.
It’s free, so that’s worth a smile right there.
(If not, the call line people will also let you yell at them for five minutes.)
Habs take baby steps to regain past glory
(Aug. 25, 2016)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have never been accused of babying their young players.
But now they’re asking those same players to learn how to care for a baby.
“It’s to help them realize their full potential and further their careers,” general manager Marc Bergevin explained as he introduced the team’s newest training tool, the Enfant Terrifiant®.
ET is an infant simulator that’s incredibly life-like in the way it mimics a baby’s behaviour, including crying, wailing, pooping, peeing, burping, and sleeping.
Each of the bachelor Canadiens under the age of 25 will be assigned a baby to look after as if she/he – the players get to choose – is his own child.
“Our research department has determined – and Carey Price, Max Pacioretty and Alexander Radulov will tell you – that being a father accelerates a young man’s maturation,” Bergevin said. “Raising a child and providing for a family forces you to become responsible. No more foolish behaviour and late nights out. Once you have a baby to care for, it’s late nights in.”
And when coach Michel Therrien “tells the players how important little things are, they’ll know what he means,” he said.
The Canadiens have been embarrassed and their on-ice performance has suffered in recent years as a result of immature players behaving badly away from the rink, enjoying too much of what Montreal has to offer unattached males with lots of money.
Bergevin said the players will be expected to look after their babies at all times except during games.
“The backup goalkeeper, however, will still have to look after his baby while the game is being played,” he added. “What else has he got to do?”
The Enfant Terrifiant® comes in different models. Players who appear not to be giving their all will be assigned a colicky baby for 10 days. Players who do exceptionally well will have their babies “spend time with Nanna and Gramps for two weeks,” Bergevin said.
“Players who whine about their ice time or complain about not being on the power play will be given cry babies to look after – with the volume turned up that can’t be adjusted.”
There’s even a David Desharnais model – it’s to scale (1:2) – for young members of the team “who playmake nicely.”
It smiles constantly, never fusses, and jumps to its feet when tapped on the shoulder.
Some of the “fathers-to-be” on the Canadiens embraced the idea of instant parenthood. One said “having a baby to lug around is a definite chick magnet. It’s a real turn-on for the ladies seeing you as a caring fellow.”
He might want to read the manual a little closer before he goes out in public with a wee one. ET tracks, records and reports on all its interactions with humans, and the information collected is uploaded automatically every night via Wi-Fi to the team’s player database.
“The players shouldn’t think of it as Big Brother,” Bergevin said. “It’s more Doting Godfather.”
The Canadiens firmly believe Project Goo Goo Ga Ga will pay immediate dividends, pushing players to steer clear of distractions that can derail careers and to stay focused on being responsible athletes.
“I’m convinced it will be a huge success in developing our players,” Bergevin said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we add Father of the Year to our year-end awards.”
(Aug. 25, 2016)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have never been accused of babying their young players.
But now they’re asking those same players to learn how to care for a baby.
“It’s to help them realize their full potential and further their careers,” general manager Marc Bergevin explained as he introduced the team’s newest training tool, the Enfant Terrifiant®.
ET is an infant simulator that’s incredibly life-like in the way it mimics a baby’s behaviour, including crying, wailing, pooping, peeing, burping, and sleeping.
Each of the bachelor Canadiens under the age of 25 will be assigned a baby to look after as if she/he – the players get to choose – is his own child.
“Our research department has determined – and Carey Price, Max Pacioretty and Alexander Radulov will tell you – that being a father accelerates a young man’s maturation,” Bergevin said. “Raising a child and providing for a family forces you to become responsible. No more foolish behaviour and late nights out. Once you have a baby to care for, it’s late nights in.”
And when coach Michel Therrien “tells the players how important little things are, they’ll know what he means,” he said.
The Canadiens have been embarrassed and their on-ice performance has suffered in recent years as a result of immature players behaving badly away from the rink, enjoying too much of what Montreal has to offer unattached males with lots of money.
Bergevin said the players will be expected to look after their babies at all times except during games.
“The backup goalkeeper, however, will still have to look after his baby while the game is being played,” he added. “What else has he got to do?”
The Enfant Terrifiant® comes in different models. Players who appear not to be giving their all will be assigned a colicky baby for 10 days. Players who do exceptionally well will have their babies “spend time with Nanna and Gramps for two weeks,” Bergevin said.
“Players who whine about their ice time or complain about not being on the power play will be given cry babies to look after – with the volume turned up that can’t be adjusted.”
There’s even a David Desharnais model – it’s to scale (1:2) – for young members of the team “who playmake nicely.”
It smiles constantly, never fusses, and jumps to its feet when tapped on the shoulder.
Some of the “fathers-to-be” on the Canadiens embraced the idea of instant parenthood. One said “having a baby to lug around is a definite chick magnet. It’s a real turn-on for the ladies seeing you as a caring fellow.”
He might want to read the manual a little closer before he goes out in public with a wee one. ET tracks, records and reports on all its interactions with humans, and the information collected is uploaded automatically every night via Wi-Fi to the team’s player database.
“The players shouldn’t think of it as Big Brother,” Bergevin said. “It’s more Doting Godfather.”
The Canadiens firmly believe Project Goo Goo Ga Ga will pay immediate dividends, pushing players to steer clear of distractions that can derail careers and to stay focused on being responsible athletes.
“I’m convinced it will be a huge success in developing our players,” Bergevin said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we add Father of the Year to our year-end awards.”
'Oh, Nell, what have you done?!!!'
(Aug. 18, 2016)
RMCVP (Royal Montreal Canadiens Vice President) Dudley Do-Right stares down aghast at the helpless form of Pollyanna tied to the railway tracks, put there by the mean-spirited Nell, who stands on the other side, angry and defiant]: Oh, Nell, what have you done?!!!
Nell [shouting furiously]: I couldn't stand it anymore, Dudley, all that optimism and good cheer. For no good reason! It was driving me batty!
[A train whistle announces the approach of a locomotive as it rounds the distant bend, headed straight towards Pollyanna, writhing in panic]
Pollyanna [terrified, screams]: Dudley, do something quick!!!
Do-Right [kneels down beside Pollyanna, places a gloved hand on her shoulder and says reassuringly]: Don't worry, Polly, I've sent my new steed for help.
Pollyanna [horrified]: That nag! He'll never get back in time!
[Just then Horse arrives, gasping for air]: Okay, boss, I did as you told me and spoke to Inspector Fenwick. He said he should have something for us by tomorrow.
Do-Right: Fenwick?!!! I said get an axe, not stats, you idiot. I need something to cut Polly loose!
Horse [fighting back tears]: You should try using your tongue, boss, it can cut to the bone. [Bites his lower lip] Look, I might not be the stallion the team traded away, but I think I deserve some respect.
Do-Right: This is no time for hurt feelings, Horse. Especially when it's more than Polly's feelings that's about to get hurt. We have to get her free! [yells to the vixen across the way] Curse you, Nell, why are you always so negative? We already had a train wreck last season, and now you're doing your best to cause another one?!!! Why, Nell, why?
Nell [spitting out her words]: Somebody's got to bring the team to its senses, and what better way to get management's attention.
Do-Right: By tying Pollyanna to the railway tracks? It will mean her death, Nell!
Nell: I like to think it more as a rebirth. For the team. If it takes a sacrifice to get rid of that doofus engineer and that idiot conductor, I'm willing to make it happen.
Do-Right: You heartless [his words are drowned out by the train whistle blowing, louder than before, as it chugs closer]
Pollyanna [panicking, struggling futilely against the thick rope Nell has securely fastened to her body and the steel rail]: Dudley, help me, pleeeeeeeease!
[Horse whispers into Do-Right's ear. His eyes light up. He pulls a torch from inside his red tunic, lights it, and begins burning off the rope. Moments later, Pollyanna, scorched, and with third degree burns, her dress all but burned off and her petticoat blackened, is pulled to safety by Do-Right, just as the train rushes by -- at the exact moment that Nell reaches across in a futile attempt to pull her rival into the train's path. Bad move. Nell becomes null.]
[Do-Right embraces Pollyanna, who screams in agony. He lets her go]: Sorry, Polly. With a few skin grafts you'll be as good as new.
Pollyanna: Oh, no I won't! I'm scarred for life! I've had it with this team! And you!
Do-Right: Polly, what are you saying? It's over between us? What have I done?
Pollyanna: For one thing, you're just like your employer, you've been a disappointment for years. Two, you nearly burned me alive. Three
Do-Right: Polly, Polly, I saved your life!
Pollyanna: Three, why did you use that stupid torch when [she looks down the track and points] you could have switched the train to the main track and away from this dead end siding?
Do-Right: Switch the train? [follows her gaze and, sure enough, there IS a switch. He slaps his forehead, and then his eyes widen] Wait a minute, you said a dead end siding?
[Suddenly there's a loud noise as the train smashes into the bumper post at the end of the line in the other direction. Both turn their heads to see RMCVP's company engine and cars crumpled in a heap. Do-Right groans]
Pollyanna: Well, Dudley, I hope you learned your lesson.
Do-Right: What's that?
Pollyanna: Forget about me and the Nells of the world. Just think about what's best for yourself. And don't ever get sidetracked again.
[Screen credits begin rolling, accompanied by music marking the end of the episode. Horse gives Do-Right a hug, making him smile.
(Aug. 18, 2016)
RMCVP (Royal Montreal Canadiens Vice President) Dudley Do-Right stares down aghast at the helpless form of Pollyanna tied to the railway tracks, put there by the mean-spirited Nell, who stands on the other side, angry and defiant]: Oh, Nell, what have you done?!!!
Nell [shouting furiously]: I couldn't stand it anymore, Dudley, all that optimism and good cheer. For no good reason! It was driving me batty!
[A train whistle announces the approach of a locomotive as it rounds the distant bend, headed straight towards Pollyanna, writhing in panic]
Pollyanna [terrified, screams]: Dudley, do something quick!!!
Do-Right [kneels down beside Pollyanna, places a gloved hand on her shoulder and says reassuringly]: Don't worry, Polly, I've sent my new steed for help.
Pollyanna [horrified]: That nag! He'll never get back in time!
[Just then Horse arrives, gasping for air]: Okay, boss, I did as you told me and spoke to Inspector Fenwick. He said he should have something for us by tomorrow.
Do-Right: Fenwick?!!! I said get an axe, not stats, you idiot. I need something to cut Polly loose!
Horse [fighting back tears]: You should try using your tongue, boss, it can cut to the bone. [Bites his lower lip] Look, I might not be the stallion the team traded away, but I think I deserve some respect.
Do-Right: This is no time for hurt feelings, Horse. Especially when it's more than Polly's feelings that's about to get hurt. We have to get her free! [yells to the vixen across the way] Curse you, Nell, why are you always so negative? We already had a train wreck last season, and now you're doing your best to cause another one?!!! Why, Nell, why?
Nell [spitting out her words]: Somebody's got to bring the team to its senses, and what better way to get management's attention.
Do-Right: By tying Pollyanna to the railway tracks? It will mean her death, Nell!
Nell: I like to think it more as a rebirth. For the team. If it takes a sacrifice to get rid of that doofus engineer and that idiot conductor, I'm willing to make it happen.
Do-Right: You heartless [his words are drowned out by the train whistle blowing, louder than before, as it chugs closer]
Pollyanna [panicking, struggling futilely against the thick rope Nell has securely fastened to her body and the steel rail]: Dudley, help me, pleeeeeeeease!
[Horse whispers into Do-Right's ear. His eyes light up. He pulls a torch from inside his red tunic, lights it, and begins burning off the rope. Moments later, Pollyanna, scorched, and with third degree burns, her dress all but burned off and her petticoat blackened, is pulled to safety by Do-Right, just as the train rushes by -- at the exact moment that Nell reaches across in a futile attempt to pull her rival into the train's path. Bad move. Nell becomes null.]
[Do-Right embraces Pollyanna, who screams in agony. He lets her go]: Sorry, Polly. With a few skin grafts you'll be as good as new.
Pollyanna: Oh, no I won't! I'm scarred for life! I've had it with this team! And you!
Do-Right: Polly, what are you saying? It's over between us? What have I done?
Pollyanna: For one thing, you're just like your employer, you've been a disappointment for years. Two, you nearly burned me alive. Three
Do-Right: Polly, Polly, I saved your life!
Pollyanna: Three, why did you use that stupid torch when [she looks down the track and points] you could have switched the train to the main track and away from this dead end siding?
Do-Right: Switch the train? [follows her gaze and, sure enough, there IS a switch. He slaps his forehead, and then his eyes widen] Wait a minute, you said a dead end siding?
[Suddenly there's a loud noise as the train smashes into the bumper post at the end of the line in the other direction. Both turn their heads to see RMCVP's company engine and cars crumpled in a heap. Do-Right groans]
Pollyanna: Well, Dudley, I hope you learned your lesson.
Do-Right: What's that?
Pollyanna: Forget about me and the Nells of the world. Just think about what's best for yourself. And don't ever get sidetracked again.
[Screen credits begin rolling, accompanied by music marking the end of the episode. Horse gives Do-Right a hug, making him smile.
A polarized fan
(Aug. 6, 2016)
From the inner dialogues of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde:
Dr. Jekyll: That fool, Hyde His Head in the Sand, when will he look up and realize his team is terrible and only an idiot would remain a supporter? Does he not even watch hockey?
Mr. Hyde: He’s back again, the accursed Dr. Jekyll. He’s getting more vocal every day. I don’t know much longer I can stand up to him. Them. He’s really two people, Jeer and Heckle, and together they’re overkyll.
And, o, the hubris. To call himself a doctor. I’d not want to be a patient of his. He’s too quick with the use of venom as a cure-all for everything. As if disparaging your team day in, day out will make you feel better.
Dr. Jekyll: Hyde, take off those rose-coloured glasses! They’re distorting your vision. Why can’t you see the GM’s in over his head, with an incompetent coach as his sidekick? That foxhole they inhabit needs to be turned into a burial plot. I’m doing my part to see that it gets filled.
Mr. Hyde: With trash? How did it come to this? I, a fan, a member of good standing in HIO, being violated increasingly by a being that grows more bitter by the day. Jekyll, you’re no MD fighting ill fortune. You’re just MaD, I tell you, MaD!
Dr. Jekyll: Mad, am I? I have a right to be angry! Look at how our – YOUR – team foundered last season when Price went down. What did your precious GM do? Nothing. And don’t tell me trading for Scrivens was something. It was less than useless. It was uselessless.
And your coach, how well did he adjust to having the engine replaced on his gravy train? As expected. He failed! He became the Casey Jones of coaches. Except in his case, HE survived, and it was the team’s playoff chances that perished.
Mr. Hyde: Oh, you’ve a wonderful way with words, Jekyll. Too bad you don’t use them for good, not evil. Can’t you see the positive in anything? Like hiring Muller, trading for Weber and Shaw, drafting Sergachev, not trading away the future for a futile run at the Cup? The team’s headed in the right direction.
Dr. Jekyll: Why not praise the team for raising ticket prices, filing its taxes on time, not changing the design of its iconic sweaters, never letting fans forget how glorious its past – its distant past – was?
And look who the team sacrificed – Subban, the most gifted and electrifying player it has had in ages. A hero for many, someone who connected with the community, and gave his all on the ice. Only buffoons would give up a treasure like that for a paler, slower version with batteries that are running down and can’t be recharged.
Mr. Hyde: Enough of the Subban love affair, and the Post-Koital feelings of sadness, agitation and irritability! He’s gone. Let him go. Say, here’s an idea, Jekyll, why don’t you join him? Misery loves company, and you certainly love his.
Dr. Jekyll: Bah! Believe it or not, I’m still a fan of the team. Just not its current stewards. Some day the team will come to its senses. All five of them. But it’s the sixth one I’m most anxious to see re-appear. Common.
I’m not going to abandon the team in its hour, er, 352,590 hours of need. I’m no fair weather fan. I’ll stick with them through the foulest kind. And the longer they stink, the fouler I become.
Mr. Hyde: No argument there.
Well, it’s clear Canadien fans are a divided bunch, and the result is I’ve developed a split-personality. One half loves the team, the other half hates it.
Not that you’re a real doctor, Jekyll, but is there a cure for this condition?
Dr. Jekyll: Win the Cup. We’ll all be happy after that.
Another entity: So true, and now all we need is a bit more patience.
Mr. Hyde: Who said that?
Dr. Jekyll: And haven’t we been patient enough?
Another entity: Yes, but not with Bergevin and Therrien. At the end of next season we’ll be rewarded with a championship.
Mr. Hyde: Say, who are you anyway?
Dr. Jekyll: Yeah, who?
Another entity: I’m known as Wishful Thinking.
Mr. Hyde [groans]: Oh, great, just what I need, another personality.
Dr. Jekyll [snaps]: Something tells me I’m going to loathe you even more than Mr. Hyde.
Wishful Thinking: Oh, no, we’re all going to be best buds after training camp.
(Aug. 6, 2016)
From the inner dialogues of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde:
Dr. Jekyll: That fool, Hyde His Head in the Sand, when will he look up and realize his team is terrible and only an idiot would remain a supporter? Does he not even watch hockey?
Mr. Hyde: He’s back again, the accursed Dr. Jekyll. He’s getting more vocal every day. I don’t know much longer I can stand up to him. Them. He’s really two people, Jeer and Heckle, and together they’re overkyll.
And, o, the hubris. To call himself a doctor. I’d not want to be a patient of his. He’s too quick with the use of venom as a cure-all for everything. As if disparaging your team day in, day out will make you feel better.
Dr. Jekyll: Hyde, take off those rose-coloured glasses! They’re distorting your vision. Why can’t you see the GM’s in over his head, with an incompetent coach as his sidekick? That foxhole they inhabit needs to be turned into a burial plot. I’m doing my part to see that it gets filled.
Mr. Hyde: With trash? How did it come to this? I, a fan, a member of good standing in HIO, being violated increasingly by a being that grows more bitter by the day. Jekyll, you’re no MD fighting ill fortune. You’re just MaD, I tell you, MaD!
Dr. Jekyll: Mad, am I? I have a right to be angry! Look at how our – YOUR – team foundered last season when Price went down. What did your precious GM do? Nothing. And don’t tell me trading for Scrivens was something. It was less than useless. It was uselessless.
And your coach, how well did he adjust to having the engine replaced on his gravy train? As expected. He failed! He became the Casey Jones of coaches. Except in his case, HE survived, and it was the team’s playoff chances that perished.
Mr. Hyde: Oh, you’ve a wonderful way with words, Jekyll. Too bad you don’t use them for good, not evil. Can’t you see the positive in anything? Like hiring Muller, trading for Weber and Shaw, drafting Sergachev, not trading away the future for a futile run at the Cup? The team’s headed in the right direction.
Dr. Jekyll: Why not praise the team for raising ticket prices, filing its taxes on time, not changing the design of its iconic sweaters, never letting fans forget how glorious its past – its distant past – was?
And look who the team sacrificed – Subban, the most gifted and electrifying player it has had in ages. A hero for many, someone who connected with the community, and gave his all on the ice. Only buffoons would give up a treasure like that for a paler, slower version with batteries that are running down and can’t be recharged.
Mr. Hyde: Enough of the Subban love affair, and the Post-Koital feelings of sadness, agitation and irritability! He’s gone. Let him go. Say, here’s an idea, Jekyll, why don’t you join him? Misery loves company, and you certainly love his.
Dr. Jekyll: Bah! Believe it or not, I’m still a fan of the team. Just not its current stewards. Some day the team will come to its senses. All five of them. But it’s the sixth one I’m most anxious to see re-appear. Common.
I’m not going to abandon the team in its hour, er, 352,590 hours of need. I’m no fair weather fan. I’ll stick with them through the foulest kind. And the longer they stink, the fouler I become.
Mr. Hyde: No argument there.
Well, it’s clear Canadien fans are a divided bunch, and the result is I’ve developed a split-personality. One half loves the team, the other half hates it.
Not that you’re a real doctor, Jekyll, but is there a cure for this condition?
Dr. Jekyll: Win the Cup. We’ll all be happy after that.
Another entity: So true, and now all we need is a bit more patience.
Mr. Hyde: Who said that?
Dr. Jekyll: And haven’t we been patient enough?
Another entity: Yes, but not with Bergevin and Therrien. At the end of next season we’ll be rewarded with a championship.
Mr. Hyde: Say, who are you anyway?
Dr. Jekyll: Yeah, who?
Another entity: I’m known as Wishful Thinking.
Mr. Hyde [groans]: Oh, great, just what I need, another personality.
Dr. Jekyll [snaps]: Something tells me I’m going to loathe you even more than Mr. Hyde.
Wishful Thinking: Oh, no, we’re all going to be best buds after training camp.
Weber meets the press
(Aug. 4, 2016)
Shea Weber addresses the Montreal media for the first time:
[Looks around before talking] So THAT’S what you guys look like! The suspense was killing me.
I understand there’s been some controversy about me not showing up here sooner to present myself as a Canadien and to answer your questions. To tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was necessary. From what I could see there was no shortage of things to write about. And that was with just one player.
It was obvious you didn’t need me around to produce copy so I figured I’d bide my time and wait till the Subban and Eller stories petered out before I paid a visit. Didn’t want to be seen as stealing their thunder.
I know how it is. Subban was an idol here, so when he got traded for an old guy I can understand why the fans are upset. It’s like replacing the main character on a popular show, the young stud played by the award-winning actor who’s actually more popular than the show itself, with an over-the-hill actor just because the producer, director and scriptwriters wanted to go in a different direction.
I didn’t ask to be that actor they replaced him with, the guy you think can’t remember his lines and needs a teleprompter. But a job’s a job and I do it. Professionally. Just give me a chance to prove it.
Will the show be better with me in it? I certainly hope so. What gets me are critics giving it the thumbs down before rehearsals have even started.
Which, by the way, I’ll be too busy to attend, being part of an ensemble cast in a special production of international hockey that’s being billed as featuring ‘the best of the best.’
I see a few of you shaking your heads. You’re thinking back to my last time I performed, when I bombed. I stunk out the joint, I admit it, against the Sharks. And now my career’s toast?
Name me an actor, name me a player who’s never had a bad stretch, who’s never had a low point in their careers. You know, a lot of them do bounce back, even go on to achieve more success – in the right environment. I hope Montreal is that place for me.
And that the fans will give me a chance. Hey, look how many people have played Dr. Who over the years and that series is still going strong.
Being traded here was a bit of a shock, I admit. I didn’t want to leave Nashville. Yellow’s my favourite colour.
But I can get used to the blue-blankin’ red. And learning to speak a bit of French.
Enough about me, you’re probably bored silly by now. I’m not a quote machine. I don’t light up the room with my smile [he smiles]. See?
This is the longest I’ve ever talked at a news conference. And you haven’t even asked a question yet. Which is actually the kind of news conference I prefer.
Okay, I’m done talking. Fire away.
First reporter: Do you think you will be able to get along with coach Therrien?
Weber: Yes
Second reporter: Why don’t you think he got along with Subban?
Weber: I haven’t thought about it. It’s not my job.
Third reporter: How well will Subban fit in with Nashville?
Weber: Just fine. With the team and the city.
Fourth reporter: How well will you fit in with Montreal?
Weber: The team, great. The city – I’ve marked down the night spots to avoid. Pricey and I plan to play a lot of chess. Gally said he wants to learn.
Fifth reporter: Will you be donating to Montreal Children’s Hospital and making special visits?
Weber: I won’t be sending out press releases if I do.
Sixth reporter: Is that a shot at Subban?
Weber: No, it’s a statement from Weber. What I do with my time and money in a city where I still need to find a place to live, and to adjust to, is my business.
Seventh reporter: Subban would say any publicity for a good cause is worth it.
Weber: And Weber says that good cause has received plenty of publicity and doesn’t need me to add to it. Let me decide which charities I support and how I go about doing it. I understand my captain has a foundation. And the team does, too.
Eighth reporter: Subban’s younger and faster than you are. He’s going to be a hard act to follow, right?
Weber: Judging by the number of stories written about him, he’s the easiest act to follow. Online. On TV. On radio.
Ninth reporter: What about on ice? People say you’ve slowed down and forwards can fly by you. Is that true?
Weber: I’m no pylon, if that’s what you mean. Sure, they might slip by me now and then, but one thing’s for certain you won’t find them standing around in front of the net. Lying down? Probably.
Okay, the golf tournament’s about to start so I have to go. It was nice meeting everyone. And now I have a question for you.
Reporters: What’s that?
Weber: How many of you bastards are there?
(Aug. 4, 2016)
Shea Weber addresses the Montreal media for the first time:
[Looks around before talking] So THAT’S what you guys look like! The suspense was killing me.
I understand there’s been some controversy about me not showing up here sooner to present myself as a Canadien and to answer your questions. To tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was necessary. From what I could see there was no shortage of things to write about. And that was with just one player.
It was obvious you didn’t need me around to produce copy so I figured I’d bide my time and wait till the Subban and Eller stories petered out before I paid a visit. Didn’t want to be seen as stealing their thunder.
I know how it is. Subban was an idol here, so when he got traded for an old guy I can understand why the fans are upset. It’s like replacing the main character on a popular show, the young stud played by the award-winning actor who’s actually more popular than the show itself, with an over-the-hill actor just because the producer, director and scriptwriters wanted to go in a different direction.
I didn’t ask to be that actor they replaced him with, the guy you think can’t remember his lines and needs a teleprompter. But a job’s a job and I do it. Professionally. Just give me a chance to prove it.
Will the show be better with me in it? I certainly hope so. What gets me are critics giving it the thumbs down before rehearsals have even started.
Which, by the way, I’ll be too busy to attend, being part of an ensemble cast in a special production of international hockey that’s being billed as featuring ‘the best of the best.’
I see a few of you shaking your heads. You’re thinking back to my last time I performed, when I bombed. I stunk out the joint, I admit it, against the Sharks. And now my career’s toast?
Name me an actor, name me a player who’s never had a bad stretch, who’s never had a low point in their careers. You know, a lot of them do bounce back, even go on to achieve more success – in the right environment. I hope Montreal is that place for me.
And that the fans will give me a chance. Hey, look how many people have played Dr. Who over the years and that series is still going strong.
Being traded here was a bit of a shock, I admit. I didn’t want to leave Nashville. Yellow’s my favourite colour.
But I can get used to the blue-blankin’ red. And learning to speak a bit of French.
Enough about me, you’re probably bored silly by now. I’m not a quote machine. I don’t light up the room with my smile [he smiles]. See?
This is the longest I’ve ever talked at a news conference. And you haven’t even asked a question yet. Which is actually the kind of news conference I prefer.
Okay, I’m done talking. Fire away.
First reporter: Do you think you will be able to get along with coach Therrien?
Weber: Yes
Second reporter: Why don’t you think he got along with Subban?
Weber: I haven’t thought about it. It’s not my job.
Third reporter: How well will Subban fit in with Nashville?
Weber: Just fine. With the team and the city.
Fourth reporter: How well will you fit in with Montreal?
Weber: The team, great. The city – I’ve marked down the night spots to avoid. Pricey and I plan to play a lot of chess. Gally said he wants to learn.
Fifth reporter: Will you be donating to Montreal Children’s Hospital and making special visits?
Weber: I won’t be sending out press releases if I do.
Sixth reporter: Is that a shot at Subban?
Weber: No, it’s a statement from Weber. What I do with my time and money in a city where I still need to find a place to live, and to adjust to, is my business.
Seventh reporter: Subban would say any publicity for a good cause is worth it.
Weber: And Weber says that good cause has received plenty of publicity and doesn’t need me to add to it. Let me decide which charities I support and how I go about doing it. I understand my captain has a foundation. And the team does, too.
Eighth reporter: Subban’s younger and faster than you are. He’s going to be a hard act to follow, right?
Weber: Judging by the number of stories written about him, he’s the easiest act to follow. Online. On TV. On radio.
Ninth reporter: What about on ice? People say you’ve slowed down and forwards can fly by you. Is that true?
Weber: I’m no pylon, if that’s what you mean. Sure, they might slip by me now and then, but one thing’s for certain you won’t find them standing around in front of the net. Lying down? Probably.
Okay, the golf tournament’s about to start so I have to go. It was nice meeting everyone. And now I have a question for you.
Reporters: What’s that?
Weber: How many of you bastards are there?
Au revoir, PK
(Aug. 3, 2016)
We are gathered here to shed a tear
And mourn the dearly departed
He left too young, his praises unsung
By those whose mistakes are well-charted
So now he will toil for a GM named Poile
In a way Pred fans will find grand
He'll add to his fame, be the star of each game
A demigod, PK Subban.
(Aug. 3, 2016)
We are gathered here to shed a tear
And mourn the dearly departed
He left too young, his praises unsung
By those whose mistakes are well-charted
So now he will toil for a GM named Poile
In a way Pred fans will find grand
He'll add to his fame, be the star of each game
A demigod, PK Subban.
A limerick for Lars
(Aug. 2, 2016)
Lars Eller was dealt a bad hand:
A coach whom many can’t stand.
But his luck was upgraded
When he found himself traded
To where his skills are more in demand.
(Aug. 2, 2016)
Lars Eller was dealt a bad hand:
A coach whom many can’t stand.
But his luck was upgraded
When he found himself traded
To where his skills are more in demand.
Who says what -- in the months ahead
(July 30, 2016)
Quotes from the near future. Who says it, PK or Weber?
“Look, do I have to tell you guys, too, I’m not paid to bore!”
“No, I will not do that spinny thing to try to make the fans like me.”
“C’mon, pretty, pretty, pretty please, let me announce the lineup just once, okay? I swear I won’t swear. Wait till you hear the lyrics!”
“I like you, little feller, but I don’t think you bein’ out here really gives us a man advantage.”
“I apologize. It won’t happen again. How about if I stay an hour longer to make up for it?”
“I’m not the captain, you are, but if I were the captain, I’d tell the coach he needs his head examined.”
“No, no, no, YOU’RE the defenceman who hits now! I’M the one who makes plays.”
“Okay, that slash was to get your attention. The next one will get you carried off on a stretcher.”
“Gawd, isn’t there anybody in this conference under six feet tall?
“I’ve found that when you lose a step, a hook on the guy’s waist helps you find it.”
“Winning the Cup is my dream, that’s true.”
“Winning the Cup is my dream come true.”
(July 30, 2016)
Quotes from the near future. Who says it, PK or Weber?
“Look, do I have to tell you guys, too, I’m not paid to bore!”
“No, I will not do that spinny thing to try to make the fans like me.”
“C’mon, pretty, pretty, pretty please, let me announce the lineup just once, okay? I swear I won’t swear. Wait till you hear the lyrics!”
“I like you, little feller, but I don’t think you bein’ out here really gives us a man advantage.”
“I apologize. It won’t happen again. How about if I stay an hour longer to make up for it?”
“I’m not the captain, you are, but if I were the captain, I’d tell the coach he needs his head examined.”
“No, no, no, YOU’RE the defenceman who hits now! I’M the one who makes plays.”
“Okay, that slash was to get your attention. The next one will get you carried off on a stretcher.”
“Gawd, isn’t there anybody in this conference under six feet tall?
“I’ve found that when you lose a step, a hook on the guy’s waist helps you find it.”
“Winning the Cup is my dream, that’s true.”
“Winning the Cup is my dream come true.”
A constant refrain
(July 29, 2016)
A constant refrain
From those who complain
Is that MB has proven a dud
And many reproach
His choice of a coach
Whose talents have been likened to crud
But say what you will
Of the two who do ill
To the hopes of Hab fans en masse
As a well-spring they're swell
For the worst doggerel
I thank them for filling my glass
(July 29, 2016)
A constant refrain
From those who complain
Is that MB has proven a dud
And many reproach
His choice of a coach
Whose talents have been likened to crud
But say what you will
Of the two who do ill
To the hopes of Hab fans en masse
As a well-spring they're swell
For the worst doggerel
I thank them for filling my glass
The Unmagnificent Seven
(April 13, 2016)
Stop! Don't click on the image. Wait until I tell you, at the end. Thanks, pardner.
[Seven weather-beaten gunfighters sit slumped in their saddles, heads bowed, eyes closed, their faces creased with anger and exhaustion. The mocking wind hurls another layer of sand onto their sweat- and shame-stained clothing.
A tumbleweed somersaults past them.]
Van [opens his eyes, looks up, and says in a voice coated with grit]: I can't believe they wouldn't let us sit at the table and play for the big pot!
[The others lift their heads, their eyes showing defeat]
Cal: Yeah, and here we paid upfront to get in the game like we always do. And now they're sittin' around playin' for big stakes with OUR money! It ain't fair!
Winn: We could try crossing the border again, sneaking into the village, barging into the saloon and making them let us join in.
Ed [takes off his hat, pokes his finger through a couple on holes]: Are you nuts? The only reason I'm alive is because I'm wearing a 10-gallon hat and they aimed high, thinking it was full.
['Ron dismounts from his mule, stretches his neck, feels a slight burn. He unwraps the bandana tied around his neck, holds it up and peers through three holes he's pretty sure weren't there earlier in the day. Gives it a few moments' thought and then shrugs.]
[Otto confirms he has wet himself – again – and sighs. Maybe I should ditch wearing jeans and just go with chaps from now on, he thinks. Then reconsiders when he remembers what kind of chaps do that. Go around with just chaps.
A sage brush brushes his leg.]
[Monty pulls a derringer from underneath his beard and cleans the barrel with his ring finger, not his pinkie, which, he admits, he misses more than he thought he would after ... He snap shuts the memory. But the phantom pain lingers, a sore reminder that won''t ever let go.
A prairie dog has seen enough, folds up its lawn chair and returns to its hole.]
Van: What if we went to the sheriff, tell him what happened? He'd get us in the game.
Winn [screaming in disbelief]: Tell him what happened?!!! He was behind the whole thing, you idiot!
'Ron: I never did like that varmint! He's the only guy I know who's too big for his britches that are too big for him.
[Monty takes a swig from his canteen and spits it out. The beer has gone worse.]
Ed: Well, are we just gonna hang around here and do nuthin'? With the sun beatin' down, the temperature risin', and sand gettin' in our eyes? And other places. I don't know how much longer I can last!
Cal [dryly]: Last? Four, five years I reckon [drawing guffaws from the other cowboys]
Otto [sharply]: Look, no more jawin'. It's time for action. We gotta stand up for ourselves!
Van: Otto's right! [drawing guffaws from the other cowboys] Are we cowboys or are we cowgirls? Gunslingers or Munsingers?
Winn [furious]: I ain't no alleged prostitute-spy that almost brought down a government! I'm a gunslinger! [he draws both pistols, twirls them several times, switches hands, tosses them – the pistols -- into the air, rolls a cigarette, catches the handguns, and slides them back into the holster, shooting himself in the foot. Feet]
[Monty, not to be outdone, pulls a Bowie knife and a lariat from underneath his beard and begins to juggle them. He ends by slicing the whip into shoelaces in mid-air.]
'Ron [rolling his eyes]: Will you guys quit foolin' round! Are we goin' to go back and demand to be let in the high stakes poker game or do we high-tail it back to our home towns, praying to God we'll be included in next year's deal?
[The gunfighters look around at each other. Vultures circle overhead. A rattlesnake sheds its skin. A coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) smashes into the ground from 200 feet above]
Cal [breaks the silence, excuses himself, and then speaks] : I say we head home, tell the townfolk we were done in by injuries – how's your feet, Winn? -- and we vow to get in shape for next year's shot at the jackpot. They'll believe us.
[Cal's proposal is greeted with murmurs of approval from his brothers in arms, and a thumbs up from the crumpled remains of Carnivorous Flattimus.]
Van: Okay, men, let's head on out. We're going home.
Okay, now you can click on the theme music, which plays as The Unmagnificent Seven ride off into the sunset, heads bobbing, spurs jingling.
[Ground-hugging clouds of dust mark their progress toward the butte-studded horizon.
And off to the right and then on the left, smoke signals rise in the distance.
A prairie chicken purses its lips.]
(April 13, 2016)
Stop! Don't click on the image. Wait until I tell you, at the end. Thanks, pardner.
[Seven weather-beaten gunfighters sit slumped in their saddles, heads bowed, eyes closed, their faces creased with anger and exhaustion. The mocking wind hurls another layer of sand onto their sweat- and shame-stained clothing.
A tumbleweed somersaults past them.]
Van [opens his eyes, looks up, and says in a voice coated with grit]: I can't believe they wouldn't let us sit at the table and play for the big pot!
[The others lift their heads, their eyes showing defeat]
Cal: Yeah, and here we paid upfront to get in the game like we always do. And now they're sittin' around playin' for big stakes with OUR money! It ain't fair!
Winn: We could try crossing the border again, sneaking into the village, barging into the saloon and making them let us join in.
Ed [takes off his hat, pokes his finger through a couple on holes]: Are you nuts? The only reason I'm alive is because I'm wearing a 10-gallon hat and they aimed high, thinking it was full.
['Ron dismounts from his mule, stretches his neck, feels a slight burn. He unwraps the bandana tied around his neck, holds it up and peers through three holes he's pretty sure weren't there earlier in the day. Gives it a few moments' thought and then shrugs.]
[Otto confirms he has wet himself – again – and sighs. Maybe I should ditch wearing jeans and just go with chaps from now on, he thinks. Then reconsiders when he remembers what kind of chaps do that. Go around with just chaps.
A sage brush brushes his leg.]
[Monty pulls a derringer from underneath his beard and cleans the barrel with his ring finger, not his pinkie, which, he admits, he misses more than he thought he would after ... He snap shuts the memory. But the phantom pain lingers, a sore reminder that won''t ever let go.
A prairie dog has seen enough, folds up its lawn chair and returns to its hole.]
Van: What if we went to the sheriff, tell him what happened? He'd get us in the game.
Winn [screaming in disbelief]: Tell him what happened?!!! He was behind the whole thing, you idiot!
'Ron: I never did like that varmint! He's the only guy I know who's too big for his britches that are too big for him.
[Monty takes a swig from his canteen and spits it out. The beer has gone worse.]
Ed: Well, are we just gonna hang around here and do nuthin'? With the sun beatin' down, the temperature risin', and sand gettin' in our eyes? And other places. I don't know how much longer I can last!
Cal [dryly]: Last? Four, five years I reckon [drawing guffaws from the other cowboys]
Otto [sharply]: Look, no more jawin'. It's time for action. We gotta stand up for ourselves!
Van: Otto's right! [drawing guffaws from the other cowboys] Are we cowboys or are we cowgirls? Gunslingers or Munsingers?
Winn [furious]: I ain't no alleged prostitute-spy that almost brought down a government! I'm a gunslinger! [he draws both pistols, twirls them several times, switches hands, tosses them – the pistols -- into the air, rolls a cigarette, catches the handguns, and slides them back into the holster, shooting himself in the foot. Feet]
[Monty, not to be outdone, pulls a Bowie knife and a lariat from underneath his beard and begins to juggle them. He ends by slicing the whip into shoelaces in mid-air.]
'Ron [rolling his eyes]: Will you guys quit foolin' round! Are we goin' to go back and demand to be let in the high stakes poker game or do we high-tail it back to our home towns, praying to God we'll be included in next year's deal?
[The gunfighters look around at each other. Vultures circle overhead. A rattlesnake sheds its skin. A coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) smashes into the ground from 200 feet above]
Cal [breaks the silence, excuses himself, and then speaks] : I say we head home, tell the townfolk we were done in by injuries – how's your feet, Winn? -- and we vow to get in shape for next year's shot at the jackpot. They'll believe us.
[Cal's proposal is greeted with murmurs of approval from his brothers in arms, and a thumbs up from the crumpled remains of Carnivorous Flattimus.]
Van: Okay, men, let's head on out. We're going home.
Okay, now you can click on the theme music, which plays as The Unmagnificent Seven ride off into the sunset, heads bobbing, spurs jingling.
[Ground-hugging clouds of dust mark their progress toward the butte-studded horizon.
And off to the right and then on the left, smoke signals rise in the distance.
A prairie chicken purses its lips.]
That was one hell of a season
(April 10, 2016)
[Marc Bergevin and Michel Therrien, caps in hand, nervously exit the antechamber into the palatial suite of the Antichrist who sits behind a large desk. The In basket is overflowing with names. None sit in Out.
Screams of agony fill the air, from the heads of sinners protruding through the walls. Lucifer picks up a remote and turns off the big screen TV showing Coach's Corner. The screams fade into sighs.]
Lucifer: Welcome, gentlemen, Please, take a seat. Unfortunately, it's a hot seat, the only kind I have around here.
MB: No problem. We've got used to it the last five months. [MT nods enthusiastically]
Lucifer: Excellent. You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
MT, MB: No, no, go ahead.
[Thin trails of smoke begin rising from the folds of Lucifer's smoking jacket]
Lucifer: Ahhhhh. You know what they say, where there's smoke, there's fire.
[Flames encircle the sitting area, giving MB and MB a start]
Lucifer: My apologies. I thought you were used to being torcherd. So tell me, have you been enjoying your stay in hell?
[MT and MB look at each, MT nods, indicating MB should answer]
MB: We can't complain about your hospitality – we've seen what happens to those who do – but Michel and I feel we've overstayed our welcome, and would like to return to ... where we were not long ago.
Lucifer: Nonsense, gentlemen, I've enjoyed your company these last few weeks. I found our discussions about lines, trades and PK most fascinating. I keep you telling you he's not one one of our demons, and you keep insisting he is. Look, I've checked our employee records and I can assure he's not. But we do have a Gallagher listed under Little Devils.
Gentlemen, to be honest, I would hate to see you cut your visit short, I find NHL managers and coaches among the most convivial of acquaintances Down Here. And I'm looking forward to your commissioner checking in soon. I trust he will prove to be a companionable sort, although I wish he'd do something about his on-ice officials first. What an odious bunch, so repellent! We've had to segregate them from the other hellions. They were annoying them no end. Even we have our limits what sinners must endure.
[MT nudges MB to speak up. MB, irritated, does as he's nudged]
MB: Mr. Lucifer
Lucifer: No need to be formal, Mr. Bergevin. Call me Luci.
MB: Uh, okay ... Luci. What Michel and I – at least, what I'M trying to say – is that neither one of us recall receiving or accepting an invitation to be here.
Lucifer [making a steeple of his fingers under his nose, his elbows on the arms of his chair, one eyebrow raised]: Are you sure gentlemen?
MB, MT [nodding heads vigorously]: Yes, yes.
Lucifer: Mr. Bergevin, Mr. Therrien, it wasn't me who invited you. You invited yourselves.
MB, MT: Whaaaaaaaat?????
Lucifer: You invited yourselves. And amiable host that I am I have tried to make your stay as pleasant ... for me ... as possible.
MB: What do you mean we invited ourselves? We did no such thing!
Lucifer: Are you sure, you didn't stock up on fourth-line plugs, misspoke about your goaltender's injury, sign players to ridiculous contracts, get involved in that Scott fiasco? [turns his head to MT] Or do nothing to fix the power play, stubbornly give your favourite player the plummiest assignments, block the development of younger players?
I could go on, gentlemen, but I think you get the picture: You two were practically begging me to reserve a guest room. And I obliged.
MT [wailing]: It's all a big mistake. We never wanted to go to hell. The fans told us to.
Lucifer: Pah. Revisionist history. The team sank so low during December, January and February, the fans started smelling brimstone. That's when they got out the pitchforks.
MB: It's all been a big misunderstanding ... Luci. If you allow us to go back I'm sure we could get everything straightened out.
Lucifer [in a low, threatening voice]: You find my company ... unpleasant?
MB, MT: Nononononono .....no...no...nohhhhh!
MB: Absolutely not. It's just that we have unfinished business back home ... and as soon as we get that out of the way, we'd be happy to come back, wouldn't we Michel?
MT [nodding furiously]: For sure, for sure.
Lucifer [slyly]: So you're prepared to return to the [glances around] Hell Centre, heh, heh, heh, as soon as your work is done?
MB: As God is my witness [winces]. I mean, when Hell freezes over [groans]. I mean, yes. We win the Stanley Cup, we're back here right after the parade, isn't that so, Michel?
MT [nodding furiously]: For sure, for sure.
Lucifer: Well, gentlemen, that can be arranged. Of course, there is the matter of transit. Usually the road to Hell is one-way but I can make an exception in your case. But it will cost you, of course.
MB [slowly]: We sign over our souls?
Lucifier [chuckling] They wouldn't get you to Purgatory. No, I require something much more valuable: season's tickets. They took mine away over that business with the Richard riot. I was just having a bit of fun but some people have no sense of humour.
So, is it a deal, you to go back to being GM and coach, and I get season's tickets?
MB: And the Stanley Cup?
Lucifer: It depends. Is Price healthy?
MB: Ca-ca-can't you make him healthy?
Lucifer: Fix an injured MCL? You got to be kidding. Those things are tricky. You need to go higher up the chain for that stuff. [jabs a thumb skyward] Talk to the Big Guy.
MT: God?
Lucifer: He prefers The Almighty. [chuckles] He hates it when I call him Al.
MB: Any suggestions?
Lucifer: Say a prayer. He likes those. Especially when they come from sports folks.
One more thing.
MT: What?
Lucifer: Don't bring up Job. He still gets a lot of flak over that.
That's right, folks. Bergevin and Therrien will be back next season.
(And the fellow sitting next to you in the Reds, the one with the pointed beard and ears – be nice to him.)
(April 10, 2016)
[Marc Bergevin and Michel Therrien, caps in hand, nervously exit the antechamber into the palatial suite of the Antichrist who sits behind a large desk. The In basket is overflowing with names. None sit in Out.
Screams of agony fill the air, from the heads of sinners protruding through the walls. Lucifer picks up a remote and turns off the big screen TV showing Coach's Corner. The screams fade into sighs.]
Lucifer: Welcome, gentlemen, Please, take a seat. Unfortunately, it's a hot seat, the only kind I have around here.
MB: No problem. We've got used to it the last five months. [MT nods enthusiastically]
Lucifer: Excellent. You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
MT, MB: No, no, go ahead.
[Thin trails of smoke begin rising from the folds of Lucifer's smoking jacket]
Lucifer: Ahhhhh. You know what they say, where there's smoke, there's fire.
[Flames encircle the sitting area, giving MB and MB a start]
Lucifer: My apologies. I thought you were used to being torcherd. So tell me, have you been enjoying your stay in hell?
[MT and MB look at each, MT nods, indicating MB should answer]
MB: We can't complain about your hospitality – we've seen what happens to those who do – but Michel and I feel we've overstayed our welcome, and would like to return to ... where we were not long ago.
Lucifer: Nonsense, gentlemen, I've enjoyed your company these last few weeks. I found our discussions about lines, trades and PK most fascinating. I keep you telling you he's not one one of our demons, and you keep insisting he is. Look, I've checked our employee records and I can assure he's not. But we do have a Gallagher listed under Little Devils.
Gentlemen, to be honest, I would hate to see you cut your visit short, I find NHL managers and coaches among the most convivial of acquaintances Down Here. And I'm looking forward to your commissioner checking in soon. I trust he will prove to be a companionable sort, although I wish he'd do something about his on-ice officials first. What an odious bunch, so repellent! We've had to segregate them from the other hellions. They were annoying them no end. Even we have our limits what sinners must endure.
[MT nudges MB to speak up. MB, irritated, does as he's nudged]
MB: Mr. Lucifer
Lucifer: No need to be formal, Mr. Bergevin. Call me Luci.
MB: Uh, okay ... Luci. What Michel and I – at least, what I'M trying to say – is that neither one of us recall receiving or accepting an invitation to be here.
Lucifer [making a steeple of his fingers under his nose, his elbows on the arms of his chair, one eyebrow raised]: Are you sure gentlemen?
MB, MT [nodding heads vigorously]: Yes, yes.
Lucifer: Mr. Bergevin, Mr. Therrien, it wasn't me who invited you. You invited yourselves.
MB, MT: Whaaaaaaaat?????
Lucifer: You invited yourselves. And amiable host that I am I have tried to make your stay as pleasant ... for me ... as possible.
MB: What do you mean we invited ourselves? We did no such thing!
Lucifer: Are you sure, you didn't stock up on fourth-line plugs, misspoke about your goaltender's injury, sign players to ridiculous contracts, get involved in that Scott fiasco? [turns his head to MT] Or do nothing to fix the power play, stubbornly give your favourite player the plummiest assignments, block the development of younger players?
I could go on, gentlemen, but I think you get the picture: You two were practically begging me to reserve a guest room. And I obliged.
MT [wailing]: It's all a big mistake. We never wanted to go to hell. The fans told us to.
Lucifer: Pah. Revisionist history. The team sank so low during December, January and February, the fans started smelling brimstone. That's when they got out the pitchforks.
MB: It's all been a big misunderstanding ... Luci. If you allow us to go back I'm sure we could get everything straightened out.
Lucifer [in a low, threatening voice]: You find my company ... unpleasant?
MB, MT: Nononononono .....no...no...nohhhhh!
MB: Absolutely not. It's just that we have unfinished business back home ... and as soon as we get that out of the way, we'd be happy to come back, wouldn't we Michel?
MT [nodding furiously]: For sure, for sure.
Lucifer [slyly]: So you're prepared to return to the [glances around] Hell Centre, heh, heh, heh, as soon as your work is done?
MB: As God is my witness [winces]. I mean, when Hell freezes over [groans]. I mean, yes. We win the Stanley Cup, we're back here right after the parade, isn't that so, Michel?
MT [nodding furiously]: For sure, for sure.
Lucifer: Well, gentlemen, that can be arranged. Of course, there is the matter of transit. Usually the road to Hell is one-way but I can make an exception in your case. But it will cost you, of course.
MB [slowly]: We sign over our souls?
Lucifier [chuckling] They wouldn't get you to Purgatory. No, I require something much more valuable: season's tickets. They took mine away over that business with the Richard riot. I was just having a bit of fun but some people have no sense of humour.
So, is it a deal, you to go back to being GM and coach, and I get season's tickets?
MB: And the Stanley Cup?
Lucifer: It depends. Is Price healthy?
MB: Ca-ca-can't you make him healthy?
Lucifer: Fix an injured MCL? You got to be kidding. Those things are tricky. You need to go higher up the chain for that stuff. [jabs a thumb skyward] Talk to the Big Guy.
MT: God?
Lucifer: He prefers The Almighty. [chuckles] He hates it when I call him Al.
MB: Any suggestions?
Lucifer: Say a prayer. He likes those. Especially when they come from sports folks.
One more thing.
MT: What?
Lucifer: Don't bring up Job. He still gets a lot of flak over that.
That's right, folks. Bergevin and Therrien will be back next season.
(And the fellow sitting next to you in the Reds, the one with the pointed beard and ears – be nice to him.)
From the Vault
The Case of the Three Missing Players
(Jan. 1, 2012)
I knew he was a big shot as soon as he lit his cigarette with a gold-plated, monogrammed disposable lighter. I glanced at the initials, GM, as I nonchalantly retrieved the lighter from the waste basket and slipped it into the top drawer beside my last client’s credit card.
“Grab yourself a seat and tell me how I can help you?”
He slid into the one-armed arm chair, took a deep breath, and exhaled a fine mist of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild. It was obvious he’d been drinking to cover up a bad case of the nerves, and he didn’t care how bad the booze was.
“I need your help, Mr. Shrapnel,” he finally spoke. “Three of my employees have gone missing.”
I looked him in the eye and then the other, before letting my gaze slide down his nose to his mouth and then back to his eyes. They were still on alert.
“Call me Lou,” I said, with my usual charm. “Who are they?”
He withdrew two photographs from the inside of his overcoat but not as covertly as he hoped. I mentally recorded the combination of his pocket.
He pushed one of the photos across the desk, disturbing a pile of dust and annoying the pet rat I had salvaged from a failed marriage.
“His name’s Markov,” he said, with a trace of bitterness. “It should be MarkedDown or WriteOv, as far as I’m concerned. The guy signed a contract worth millions but has yet to play a single game. Sure, he got injured in a mugging but that was over a year ago and he’s received the best care that money can buy. Me and my insurer think it’s all been a scam. He’s been seen skiing, surfing, snorkeling – everything but skating in a $%@#$@ hockey game.”
“Where’s he from?
“Russia.”
“Okay, who else?
He handed over the second photo, much smaller, just a snapshot.
“Gionta. He’s been AWOL for weeks.”
“Where’s he from?”
“New York.
“Hmmmn. Think organized crime is behind this? The Russian mob and the Mafia joining forces, with Markov and Gionta as their point men, working together to rip off the system?
“Gionta’s the captain, for god’s sake!!! And he’s never played the point!!!”
“A capo, eh. Okay now we’re getting somewhere.”
“Don’t be such an idiot! He’s the captain of a HOCKEY team! They’re hockey players. All I want them to do is to play hockey. Or find out why they’re not. I keep asking my general manager but all I get is double-talk about how long it takes for some injuries to heal. I don’t ask anymore. He gives me the creeps.“
“Who’s the third guy missing? Lemme see his photo.”
“I, uh, don’t have one. I’ve never met the guy. His name’s White. Supposedly he played for us last season. He could be fiction for all I know. They keep talking about him on the Internet, make him sound like some sort of saviour. Wish he was. We could use one now.”
“So you got two guys missing you’re convinced has nothing to do with organized crime and a third guy gone you’ve never seen? What’s his background?
“Well, they tell me he played for the Calgary …………the Calgary Hitmen! Omigawd! Does that mean …?”
“That’s right, Mr. Molson. They could be all in cahoots, three henchmen – a Russkie, a Yank, and a Canuck – working together for mobs in their country. Simple, really. Make the team. Feign an injury. Get time off while pulling in millions and still be free to do mob work. Anything else strange going on around the team?”
“Well, we do seem to break a lot of sticks.”
NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE: Lou Shrapnel goes undercover in “The French-Canadian Connection.”
The Case of the Three Missing Players
(Jan. 1, 2012)
I knew he was a big shot as soon as he lit his cigarette with a gold-plated, monogrammed disposable lighter. I glanced at the initials, GM, as I nonchalantly retrieved the lighter from the waste basket and slipped it into the top drawer beside my last client’s credit card.
“Grab yourself a seat and tell me how I can help you?”
He slid into the one-armed arm chair, took a deep breath, and exhaled a fine mist of 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild. It was obvious he’d been drinking to cover up a bad case of the nerves, and he didn’t care how bad the booze was.
“I need your help, Mr. Shrapnel,” he finally spoke. “Three of my employees have gone missing.”
I looked him in the eye and then the other, before letting my gaze slide down his nose to his mouth and then back to his eyes. They were still on alert.
“Call me Lou,” I said, with my usual charm. “Who are they?”
He withdrew two photographs from the inside of his overcoat but not as covertly as he hoped. I mentally recorded the combination of his pocket.
He pushed one of the photos across the desk, disturbing a pile of dust and annoying the pet rat I had salvaged from a failed marriage.
“His name’s Markov,” he said, with a trace of bitterness. “It should be MarkedDown or WriteOv, as far as I’m concerned. The guy signed a contract worth millions but has yet to play a single game. Sure, he got injured in a mugging but that was over a year ago and he’s received the best care that money can buy. Me and my insurer think it’s all been a scam. He’s been seen skiing, surfing, snorkeling – everything but skating in a $%@#$@ hockey game.”
“Where’s he from?
“Russia.”
“Okay, who else?
He handed over the second photo, much smaller, just a snapshot.
“Gionta. He’s been AWOL for weeks.”
“Where’s he from?”
“New York.
“Hmmmn. Think organized crime is behind this? The Russian mob and the Mafia joining forces, with Markov and Gionta as their point men, working together to rip off the system?
“Gionta’s the captain, for god’s sake!!! And he’s never played the point!!!”
“A capo, eh. Okay now we’re getting somewhere.”
“Don’t be such an idiot! He’s the captain of a HOCKEY team! They’re hockey players. All I want them to do is to play hockey. Or find out why they’re not. I keep asking my general manager but all I get is double-talk about how long it takes for some injuries to heal. I don’t ask anymore. He gives me the creeps.“
“Who’s the third guy missing? Lemme see his photo.”
“I, uh, don’t have one. I’ve never met the guy. His name’s White. Supposedly he played for us last season. He could be fiction for all I know. They keep talking about him on the Internet, make him sound like some sort of saviour. Wish he was. We could use one now.”
“So you got two guys missing you’re convinced has nothing to do with organized crime and a third guy gone you’ve never seen? What’s his background?
“Well, they tell me he played for the Calgary …………the Calgary Hitmen! Omigawd! Does that mean …?”
“That’s right, Mr. Molson. They could be all in cahoots, three henchmen – a Russkie, a Yank, and a Canuck – working together for mobs in their country. Simple, really. Make the team. Feign an injury. Get time off while pulling in millions and still be free to do mob work. Anything else strange going on around the team?”
“Well, we do seem to break a lot of sticks.”
NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE: Lou Shrapnel goes undercover in “The French-Canadian Connection.”
The truth is in here
(Jan. 30, 2016)
“Mulder, I can't go on! Nine hours of watching these video clips and it still doesn't make sense.”
“When has it ever been easy, Scully? They're called the X files for a reason, not Easy as ABC.”
“I know, I know, but still. How can a team go 9-0 to start the season and then play so poorly they plunge out of a post-season berth in an incredible collapse? It's like they're two different teams.”
“They ARE two different teams, Scully. One with their top goalie, one without him.”
“But, Mulder, he's just one guy. They still have the most important fellow on the job -- the coach.”
“I hear what you're saying, Scully. That's why it's a mystery and one CSIS wants us to solve.”
“Okay. [Sigh] Let's go over it one more time. Team starts like gangbusters. Number one goalie gets hurt. Backup fills in admirably, then starts to falter. Number one goalie comes back only to re-injure himself and now he's been out for weeks with no firm date for his return. Supposedly recovering from a lower body injury.
Why so vague about where he's hurt and how badly he's injured?”
“They're obviously covering up something, Scully, which we're here to find out.”
“So what do you think, Mulder? His injury might be a lot worst than they're letting on, and for reasons that would shock the public?”
“There was speculation he hurt himself filming a commercial or that an injury he suffered in the playoffs two seasons ago has come back to haunt him.”
“Haunt him, Mulder? Are you suggesting spirits are behind all the goings-on?
“People say the Ghosts of the Forum haven't been happy since their resting place was turned into a movie theatre, sports bar, game centre, and bowling alley for God's sake. I'd be stirring up things in their spectral skates, too.”
“Well, they were uprooted shortly after their team won their last Cup, and that was more than 20 years ago – the longest stretch in franchise history. You may be right, Mulder. The ghosts are wreaking havoc.”
“OR it could be something else, Scully. Consider this: No Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since the NHL installed a gnome-like creature as its commissioner. It's said he merely does the bidding of his masters, the 30 team owners, but what if it's him who's pulling the strings? How can the owners of seven Canadian teams – all of whom currently sit outside the playoffs – allow any of this to happen unless they're being played?
“You got proof of that, Mulder?”
“Plenty. Just take a look at the team we're investigating. You've watched the videos. Mind-numbing stuff, right, but what stands out? The incredibly bad refereeing! Oh, sure, the league does its best to not make it obvious but it IS obvious, the refs make bogus calls or don't make legitimate calls clearly to disadvantage the subject of our investigation.”
“A conspiracy, then?”
“Sure looks like it, Scully.”
“But why, Mulder, why? Why would the league work against the interests of the teams that are its foundation, whose revenues are critical to keeping alive franchises in the States and their ticket prices low?”
“It's a mystery, right? But I think it all goes back to the dwarf in the dwiver's, I mean, driver's seat. He's the one with the hand on the wheel, not his employers.”
“That's quite an accusation, Mulder, saying he has that kind of power.”
“Want more proof, Scully? How about this: When the league loses face allowing fans to send a BigFoot with five goals in his career to the All-Star game as a captain, it had to do something to spare it further humiliation. So it tried to clean up its mess by getting the team with the storied past to trade for the null star and make him ineligible for the game by sending him to the AHL. It didn't work but the team ending up looking as stupid as the league. No mean feat but somehow the league managed to pull it off. And what did its dupe get out of all this? Another healthy scratch. When what the team needs most is scoring.”
“Another mystery for sure. Like the power play. What's with that?
“Good one, Scully. That makes no sense either. Sticking with the same personnel, the same ... strategy, for lack of a better word, when it's clearly not working.”
“It all goes back to the coach, doesn't it, Mulder? He's the one in charge. When the personnel he assigned to look after the power play aren't doing their job, why hasn't he stepped in to make it better?”
"He has, Scully, he has, he's been trying for two years but he's got zip to show for it. I'm beginning to wonder about him. People jokingly refer to him to as version 2.0, because he's a lot calmer than when he coached here before and then another team. Too calm I'd say. I don't think he's the same person at all. Or, to be blunt, a person.”
“So what is he, Mulder, an ... automaton?
“I wouldn't rule it out, Scully. What's an automaton: 'A machine that performs a function according to a predetermined set of coded instructions, especially one capable of a range of programmed responses to different circumstances.' So who's programming the responses and why is their range so limited?”
“The gnome?”
“Could be. We just need to do some further digging. [Mulder's cellphone rings. He answers, carries on a brief conversation and then disconnects] Scully, The Lone Gunmen just made a breakthrough.”
“What?”
“They deciphered the symbol.”
“They deciphered the symbol?”
“Yeah, the team's crest. It's not what it seems. Apparently it dates back to an ancient civilization far more advanced than ours that disappeared from the earth eons ago.”
“And then in the 20th century it re-emerges? Why? And what does the symbol mean?”
“I'm getting to it. Byers, Frohike and Langly found out through their sources that an archaeological dig in the Middle East recently uncovered evidence of that ancient civilization many thought was a myth. It wasn't. They found all sorts of devices that appear technologically superior to anything we have – if they can figure out how they work. They also found reams of documents in a language that only yesterday a team of archaeologists, cryptoanalysts and linguists was able to decipher.”
“And?”
“Well, it seems the founders of this civilization were not of Earth but a planet light-years away who created a temporary settlement here while those they left behind sorted out things.”
“Sorted out things, what's that mean, Mulder?”
“Apparently their society was having issues, people not getting along, like you see in chat rooms and on websites, that threatened to destroy their very world. So a group was dispatched to Earth to establish a refuge until it was safe to return, to ensure their species and knowledge would never be lost. When the haven they established became under siege by forces it couldn't survive, the same forces that caused dinosaurs to become extinct, the people went their separate ways and placed themselves in suspended animation in hidden locations around the globe. Not to be re-awakened until the system preserving their bodies determined it was safe to do so.
The Lone Gunmen say they began popping up last century, and they've been waiting ever since for a sign they could return to their place of origin.”
“You're kidding. Where have they been popping up?
“All over. And in all kinds of occupations. Some high profile ones, too.”
“Like who.”
“The founder of the team we're investigating, for one. And the goalie who won all those awards last season, the one whose performance fans and sportswriters described as otherworldly, it turns out they were right.”
[Scully gasps] “Omigawd! Where is he now? And why exactly hasn't he been playing?”
“He became aware somehow the time was drawing near to when he would be leaving and he didn't want to get hurt before his departure. You know what the league, and his team, is like as far as protecting goalies.
And doctors were beginning to question the emergence of a second heart, on his right side. That's why everything was kept hush-hush.”
“We need to talk to him!”
“Not going to happen, Scully.”
[Holds up his cellphone, shows her the photo The Lone Gunmen had sent him: a familiar sweater lying on the floor, its crest pulsing red].
They found it in his apartment. He was gone and so was his family.”
“What happened?”
“That's the symbol I was telling you about. That's why he left.”
“The CH? What's it stand for?”
”Call Home.”
(Jan. 30, 2016)
“Mulder, I can't go on! Nine hours of watching these video clips and it still doesn't make sense.”
“When has it ever been easy, Scully? They're called the X files for a reason, not Easy as ABC.”
“I know, I know, but still. How can a team go 9-0 to start the season and then play so poorly they plunge out of a post-season berth in an incredible collapse? It's like they're two different teams.”
“They ARE two different teams, Scully. One with their top goalie, one without him.”
“But, Mulder, he's just one guy. They still have the most important fellow on the job -- the coach.”
“I hear what you're saying, Scully. That's why it's a mystery and one CSIS wants us to solve.”
“Okay. [Sigh] Let's go over it one more time. Team starts like gangbusters. Number one goalie gets hurt. Backup fills in admirably, then starts to falter. Number one goalie comes back only to re-injure himself and now he's been out for weeks with no firm date for his return. Supposedly recovering from a lower body injury.
Why so vague about where he's hurt and how badly he's injured?”
“They're obviously covering up something, Scully, which we're here to find out.”
“So what do you think, Mulder? His injury might be a lot worst than they're letting on, and for reasons that would shock the public?”
“There was speculation he hurt himself filming a commercial or that an injury he suffered in the playoffs two seasons ago has come back to haunt him.”
“Haunt him, Mulder? Are you suggesting spirits are behind all the goings-on?
“People say the Ghosts of the Forum haven't been happy since their resting place was turned into a movie theatre, sports bar, game centre, and bowling alley for God's sake. I'd be stirring up things in their spectral skates, too.”
“Well, they were uprooted shortly after their team won their last Cup, and that was more than 20 years ago – the longest stretch in franchise history. You may be right, Mulder. The ghosts are wreaking havoc.”
“OR it could be something else, Scully. Consider this: No Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since the NHL installed a gnome-like creature as its commissioner. It's said he merely does the bidding of his masters, the 30 team owners, but what if it's him who's pulling the strings? How can the owners of seven Canadian teams – all of whom currently sit outside the playoffs – allow any of this to happen unless they're being played?
“You got proof of that, Mulder?”
“Plenty. Just take a look at the team we're investigating. You've watched the videos. Mind-numbing stuff, right, but what stands out? The incredibly bad refereeing! Oh, sure, the league does its best to not make it obvious but it IS obvious, the refs make bogus calls or don't make legitimate calls clearly to disadvantage the subject of our investigation.”
“A conspiracy, then?”
“Sure looks like it, Scully.”
“But why, Mulder, why? Why would the league work against the interests of the teams that are its foundation, whose revenues are critical to keeping alive franchises in the States and their ticket prices low?”
“It's a mystery, right? But I think it all goes back to the dwarf in the dwiver's, I mean, driver's seat. He's the one with the hand on the wheel, not his employers.”
“That's quite an accusation, Mulder, saying he has that kind of power.”
“Want more proof, Scully? How about this: When the league loses face allowing fans to send a BigFoot with five goals in his career to the All-Star game as a captain, it had to do something to spare it further humiliation. So it tried to clean up its mess by getting the team with the storied past to trade for the null star and make him ineligible for the game by sending him to the AHL. It didn't work but the team ending up looking as stupid as the league. No mean feat but somehow the league managed to pull it off. And what did its dupe get out of all this? Another healthy scratch. When what the team needs most is scoring.”
“Another mystery for sure. Like the power play. What's with that?
“Good one, Scully. That makes no sense either. Sticking with the same personnel, the same ... strategy, for lack of a better word, when it's clearly not working.”
“It all goes back to the coach, doesn't it, Mulder? He's the one in charge. When the personnel he assigned to look after the power play aren't doing their job, why hasn't he stepped in to make it better?”
"He has, Scully, he has, he's been trying for two years but he's got zip to show for it. I'm beginning to wonder about him. People jokingly refer to him to as version 2.0, because he's a lot calmer than when he coached here before and then another team. Too calm I'd say. I don't think he's the same person at all. Or, to be blunt, a person.”
“So what is he, Mulder, an ... automaton?
“I wouldn't rule it out, Scully. What's an automaton: 'A machine that performs a function according to a predetermined set of coded instructions, especially one capable of a range of programmed responses to different circumstances.' So who's programming the responses and why is their range so limited?”
“The gnome?”
“Could be. We just need to do some further digging. [Mulder's cellphone rings. He answers, carries on a brief conversation and then disconnects] Scully, The Lone Gunmen just made a breakthrough.”
“What?”
“They deciphered the symbol.”
“They deciphered the symbol?”
“Yeah, the team's crest. It's not what it seems. Apparently it dates back to an ancient civilization far more advanced than ours that disappeared from the earth eons ago.”
“And then in the 20th century it re-emerges? Why? And what does the symbol mean?”
“I'm getting to it. Byers, Frohike and Langly found out through their sources that an archaeological dig in the Middle East recently uncovered evidence of that ancient civilization many thought was a myth. It wasn't. They found all sorts of devices that appear technologically superior to anything we have – if they can figure out how they work. They also found reams of documents in a language that only yesterday a team of archaeologists, cryptoanalysts and linguists was able to decipher.”
“And?”
“Well, it seems the founders of this civilization were not of Earth but a planet light-years away who created a temporary settlement here while those they left behind sorted out things.”
“Sorted out things, what's that mean, Mulder?”
“Apparently their society was having issues, people not getting along, like you see in chat rooms and on websites, that threatened to destroy their very world. So a group was dispatched to Earth to establish a refuge until it was safe to return, to ensure their species and knowledge would never be lost. When the haven they established became under siege by forces it couldn't survive, the same forces that caused dinosaurs to become extinct, the people went their separate ways and placed themselves in suspended animation in hidden locations around the globe. Not to be re-awakened until the system preserving their bodies determined it was safe to do so.
The Lone Gunmen say they began popping up last century, and they've been waiting ever since for a sign they could return to their place of origin.”
“You're kidding. Where have they been popping up?
“All over. And in all kinds of occupations. Some high profile ones, too.”
“Like who.”
“The founder of the team we're investigating, for one. And the goalie who won all those awards last season, the one whose performance fans and sportswriters described as otherworldly, it turns out they were right.”
[Scully gasps] “Omigawd! Where is he now? And why exactly hasn't he been playing?”
“He became aware somehow the time was drawing near to when he would be leaving and he didn't want to get hurt before his departure. You know what the league, and his team, is like as far as protecting goalies.
And doctors were beginning to question the emergence of a second heart, on his right side. That's why everything was kept hush-hush.”
“We need to talk to him!”
“Not going to happen, Scully.”
[Holds up his cellphone, shows her the photo The Lone Gunmen had sent him: a familiar sweater lying on the floor, its crest pulsing red].
They found it in his apartment. He was gone and so was his family.”
“What happened?”
“That's the symbol I was telling you about. That's why he left.”
“The CH? What's it stand for?”
”Call Home.”
Are the Leafs a good investment?
(Jan. 21, 2016)
I’m thinking of shaking up my sportfolio.
I’m getting a poor return on my emotional investment in the Canadiens and the interest I once had in the team’s fortunes is no longer accruing.
The team’s Price-to-earnings is off the chart – think the team would be worth a billion if not for its No. 1 goaltender, especially last season? – but without him in the lineup, the team’s prospectus for the future isn’t very good.
And don’t tell me I’m panicking over nothing. Tuesday night’s loss convinced me it’s a bear market.
The experts warned last fall when the team’s securities shot up in value that the rapid increase in points was too extraordinary to be sustained but did I listen? No, and now they’ve plunged so low they’re worth less than a PJ stock. Yeah, that bad – sub-investment grade.
So the question is, do I hang onto my shares of caring in hope the team gets its act together or do I dump them and invest what’s left of my heart and soul into another team?
I’m thinking Maple Leafs. It’s a safe bet, really. Low-risk, low-return. Pay lip service to cheering on the team, and be rewarded with a dividend of a ‘meh’ whenever they win.
But just imagine if they did make the playoffs! What a payoff! A minimal investment of a ho-hum would turn into a woohoo!
And if they won a series, why, it would be like winning the lottery. Almost enough to make up for the emotional losses I’ve suffered the past year.
Still, it’s the Leafs and they would bound to disappoint with their performance eventually so I’d be looking at another outlay of feelings that yielded little or nothing.
Maybe the wiser strategy is to hedge my bet by diversifying: become a care-holder in more than one team. All the Canadian ones, perhaps?
I couldn’t afford more than tepid support in any of them. Enough to check out the scores to see if they won but well short of making a point to watch clips of their games on TV.
Curse you, Habs, I was hoping to retire with a boatload of new memories to sustain me in my golden years but it looks like I’m going to have to survive on my old ones.
And to think you were once known as a bleu-chip company.
(Jan. 21, 2016)
I’m thinking of shaking up my sportfolio.
I’m getting a poor return on my emotional investment in the Canadiens and the interest I once had in the team’s fortunes is no longer accruing.
The team’s Price-to-earnings is off the chart – think the team would be worth a billion if not for its No. 1 goaltender, especially last season? – but without him in the lineup, the team’s prospectus for the future isn’t very good.
And don’t tell me I’m panicking over nothing. Tuesday night’s loss convinced me it’s a bear market.
The experts warned last fall when the team’s securities shot up in value that the rapid increase in points was too extraordinary to be sustained but did I listen? No, and now they’ve plunged so low they’re worth less than a PJ stock. Yeah, that bad – sub-investment grade.
So the question is, do I hang onto my shares of caring in hope the team gets its act together or do I dump them and invest what’s left of my heart and soul into another team?
I’m thinking Maple Leafs. It’s a safe bet, really. Low-risk, low-return. Pay lip service to cheering on the team, and be rewarded with a dividend of a ‘meh’ whenever they win.
But just imagine if they did make the playoffs! What a payoff! A minimal investment of a ho-hum would turn into a woohoo!
And if they won a series, why, it would be like winning the lottery. Almost enough to make up for the emotional losses I’ve suffered the past year.
Still, it’s the Leafs and they would bound to disappoint with their performance eventually so I’d be looking at another outlay of feelings that yielded little or nothing.
Maybe the wiser strategy is to hedge my bet by diversifying: become a care-holder in more than one team. All the Canadian ones, perhaps?
I couldn’t afford more than tepid support in any of them. Enough to check out the scores to see if they won but well short of making a point to watch clips of their games on TV.
Curse you, Habs, I was hoping to retire with a boatload of new memories to sustain me in my golden years but it looks like I’m going to have to survive on my old ones.
And to think you were once known as a bleu-chip company.
Habs win despite Therrien or lose because of him?
(Dec. 26, 2015)
HIO says the purpose of its quiz is to identify “true” Hab fans by testing their knowledge of all things Canadien. I think there's a better way to separate the team's diehard supporters from those who merely profess to bleed bleu-blanc-et-rouge.
Judge for yourself:
Which of these statements is true, A or B?
A. The Canadiens win despite having Therrien as coach
B. The Canadiens lose because Therrien is their coach
A. Pacioretty is a wolverine who plays like a kitty cat
B. Pacioretty is a captain who misleads by example
A. Subban makes mistakes because he tries to do too much on the ice
B. Subban makes mistakes because he does too much off the ice
A. The power play stinks because the other teams have figured it out
B. The power play stinks because the Canadiens haven't figured it out
A. Bergevin likes to tweak the lineup but is averse to pulling the trigger on a big trade
B. Bergevin likes to tweak the lineup but is averse to taking the plunge on a big trade
A. Montreal could improve its offence by hitting the net more often
B. Montreal could improve its offence by hitting the netminder more often
A. The Canadiens are in a slump because they aren't very lucky
B. The Canadiens are in a slump because they aren't very good
A. True fans of the Canadiens remain on the bandwagon no matter how rough the ride
B. True fans of the Canadians remain on the bandwagon no matter how rough the ride -- as long as they get to complain all the way
If you took the quiz, you're a true fan.
If you didn't take the quiz, you're a schmuck.
I hope that cleared things up.
(Dec. 26, 2015)
HIO says the purpose of its quiz is to identify “true” Hab fans by testing their knowledge of all things Canadien. I think there's a better way to separate the team's diehard supporters from those who merely profess to bleed bleu-blanc-et-rouge.
Judge for yourself:
Which of these statements is true, A or B?
A. The Canadiens win despite having Therrien as coach
B. The Canadiens lose because Therrien is their coach
A. Pacioretty is a wolverine who plays like a kitty cat
B. Pacioretty is a captain who misleads by example
A. Subban makes mistakes because he tries to do too much on the ice
B. Subban makes mistakes because he does too much off the ice
A. The power play stinks because the other teams have figured it out
B. The power play stinks because the Canadiens haven't figured it out
A. Bergevin likes to tweak the lineup but is averse to pulling the trigger on a big trade
B. Bergevin likes to tweak the lineup but is averse to taking the plunge on a big trade
A. Montreal could improve its offence by hitting the net more often
B. Montreal could improve its offence by hitting the netminder more often
A. The Canadiens are in a slump because they aren't very lucky
B. The Canadiens are in a slump because they aren't very good
A. True fans of the Canadiens remain on the bandwagon no matter how rough the ride
B. True fans of the Canadians remain on the bandwagon no matter how rough the ride -- as long as they get to complain all the way
If you took the quiz, you're a true fan.
If you didn't take the quiz, you're a schmuck.
I hope that cleared things up.
The posters aren't happy over at HoHoHo
(Dec. 25, 2015)
Hockey Inside/Out isn’t the only site where the mood can get sour.
Here’s a screen shot of some of the stuff being said over at HoHoHo Inside/Out.
NorthPole DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:21 am
Isn’t it time St. Nick packed it in? His schtick is getting old. Sleigh. Reindeer. The bottomless bag. The fake Ho Ho Ho. What’s he even laughing at?
And don’t get me started on the outfit. It might have been the style 200 years ago but who dresses like that now. No one, not if they’re sane.
And is it true the trim’s all polar bear fur? For God’s sake, it’s on the endangered species list. Or does he only care about his list and nobody else’s. What a poor example to set for the kids.
I left a lump of coal on his plate this year. To send him a message.
(Uh oh, I hope he doesn’t plan on burning it. Just what this planet needs, more carbon dioxide in the air.)
Elf005 DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:36 am
You’re a real jerk, you know. No, you probably don’t. So let me be the first to break the news: You’re a real jerk.
Here’s a guy who does his best to cheer up kids around the world by bringing them presents AT NO COST TO THE PARENTS! and in an environmentally friendly way, and you get on him about his wardrobe? Gimme a break. At least he dresses himself. Can you say the same?
Olive DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 9:19 am
I’m friends with some of the sleigh-haulers and I can tell you they’re not a happy bunch. Seems a few aren’t pulling their weight and the stories they tell about Vixen would make a longshoreman blush. That stuff they say about antler velvet being an aphrodisiac – who do you think started that? And is doing her best to prove it?
But the one they all hate is Rudolph. Red Light they call him because he’s a bit of a dim bulb. But he gets all the attention. Just because his nose glows!
It also drips like crazy but you never read or hear anything about it, Santa’s PR people make sure of that.
The thing is, he’s been living off that one Christmas Eve back in ’49 when he ‘saved’ Christmas. Yeah, right. Save my foot. He didn’t even want to go out that night, the blizzard was so bad, but Santa still found him, hiding under the blanket, because his nose was so bright it shone right through.
But is that in the lyrics, was that in the TV documentary with Burl Ives? Nope.
Why can’t they tell it like it is?
Tinsel Man DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:01 am
Let’s face it, the Big Guy is losing his touch. He puts out the same team of reindeer year after year after century. Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen. They used to be known as the Super Eight. Now the first thing that comes to mind is Superannuate. Cause that’s what they should be – retired.
Heaven forbid KK should make a lineup change. After Rudolph was added, it’s been zip. Apart from that time he tried out Bob and Sniffer. Didn’t even finish the sleigh trip. I don’t know what they did wrong but he left them on that rooftop in Cincinnati and they’ve been healthy scratches ever since. All they do now is paw the ground and blow air out their nostrils. Sad, really. Sniffer had potential.
Sometimes I think the Claus gets his jollies from being mean. Or just being stubborn. It’s crazy why he sticks with his veterans, when it’s obvious they’ve lost a step. And a lot of fur, what with the mange.
Virginia DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:37 am
You two should be ashamed of yourself, talking about Santa that way. Hearsay and spite, not a single fact to back up your claims. He and his team still meet their deadlines, in fact, they’re getting better at it when you consider how many more children there are in the world than when they started out. If you don’t believe me, go check out the research the eggnogheads have done over at EyesOnThePresents. They’ll set you straight.
Just like they did with me when they proved Santa was real. I used to think he was pure fiction but when they came up with all those charts, graphs, simulations, studies and eyewitness accounts, I knew I was wrong to keep on doubting. I’m a believer now and always will be.
Scroogee DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 11:44 am
Santa sucks. Believe it.
Disappointed in Seattle DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 3:30 am
Another crappy Christmas. I didn’t get any of the stuff I asked Santa to bring me. Again. Does he even read his mail? When did I say I wanted socks and underwear? I don’t even wear underwear.
And to think I thought this year was going to be different. I made a special vow to be nice most every day and hardly do anything naughty. And I did, me, a referee. Big deal, right?
Wrong! What thanks do I get? A leather bound rule book! Like I’m going to start reading it now because it has a leather cover.
So screw you, Santa.
And thanks for the glasses. Har-de-har-har.
(Did I mention the ‘chocolate’ I left you was a laxative? Heh heh heh.)
Just a Fan DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 8:28 am
What did you ask for, you idiot? A brain? I don’t think they come in that small a size.
And what were you doing up at 3:30 in the morning? Even little kids wait until at least 6 before scampering out of bed. Were you anxious to see if you got the Frozen movie sound track? Awww, ain’t that precious.
Hope your disappointment doesn’t affect your work.
Hate to see my … Capitals, yeah, my Capitals have some bad calls go against them. Just because you’re an numbskull.
JohnWonderful DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 12:01 am
Merry Christmas to all!
It’s A Lousy Life DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 12:01 am
Go back to bed, loser!
(Dec. 25, 2015)
Hockey Inside/Out isn’t the only site where the mood can get sour.
Here’s a screen shot of some of the stuff being said over at HoHoHo Inside/Out.
NorthPole DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:21 am
Isn’t it time St. Nick packed it in? His schtick is getting old. Sleigh. Reindeer. The bottomless bag. The fake Ho Ho Ho. What’s he even laughing at?
And don’t get me started on the outfit. It might have been the style 200 years ago but who dresses like that now. No one, not if they’re sane.
And is it true the trim’s all polar bear fur? For God’s sake, it’s on the endangered species list. Or does he only care about his list and nobody else’s. What a poor example to set for the kids.
I left a lump of coal on his plate this year. To send him a message.
(Uh oh, I hope he doesn’t plan on burning it. Just what this planet needs, more carbon dioxide in the air.)
Elf005 DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:36 am
You’re a real jerk, you know. No, you probably don’t. So let me be the first to break the news: You’re a real jerk.
Here’s a guy who does his best to cheer up kids around the world by bringing them presents AT NO COST TO THE PARENTS! and in an environmentally friendly way, and you get on him about his wardrobe? Gimme a break. At least he dresses himself. Can you say the same?
Olive DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 9:19 am
I’m friends with some of the sleigh-haulers and I can tell you they’re not a happy bunch. Seems a few aren’t pulling their weight and the stories they tell about Vixen would make a longshoreman blush. That stuff they say about antler velvet being an aphrodisiac – who do you think started that? And is doing her best to prove it?
But the one they all hate is Rudolph. Red Light they call him because he’s a bit of a dim bulb. But he gets all the attention. Just because his nose glows!
It also drips like crazy but you never read or hear anything about it, Santa’s PR people make sure of that.
The thing is, he’s been living off that one Christmas Eve back in ’49 when he ‘saved’ Christmas. Yeah, right. Save my foot. He didn’t even want to go out that night, the blizzard was so bad, but Santa still found him, hiding under the blanket, because his nose was so bright it shone right through.
But is that in the lyrics, was that in the TV documentary with Burl Ives? Nope.
Why can’t they tell it like it is?
Tinsel Man DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:01 am
Let’s face it, the Big Guy is losing his touch. He puts out the same team of reindeer year after year after century. Dasher, Dancer, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Prancer, Vixen. They used to be known as the Super Eight. Now the first thing that comes to mind is Superannuate. Cause that’s what they should be – retired.
Heaven forbid KK should make a lineup change. After Rudolph was added, it’s been zip. Apart from that time he tried out Bob and Sniffer. Didn’t even finish the sleigh trip. I don’t know what they did wrong but he left them on that rooftop in Cincinnati and they’ve been healthy scratches ever since. All they do now is paw the ground and blow air out their nostrils. Sad, really. Sniffer had potential.
Sometimes I think the Claus gets his jollies from being mean. Or just being stubborn. It’s crazy why he sticks with his veterans, when it’s obvious they’ve lost a step. And a lot of fur, what with the mange.
Virginia DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 10:37 am
You two should be ashamed of yourself, talking about Santa that way. Hearsay and spite, not a single fact to back up your claims. He and his team still meet their deadlines, in fact, they’re getting better at it when you consider how many more children there are in the world than when they started out. If you don’t believe me, go check out the research the eggnogheads have done over at EyesOnThePresents. They’ll set you straight.
Just like they did with me when they proved Santa was real. I used to think he was pure fiction but when they came up with all those charts, graphs, simulations, studies and eyewitness accounts, I knew I was wrong to keep on doubting. I’m a believer now and always will be.
Scroogee DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 11:44 am
Santa sucks. Believe it.
Disappointed in Seattle DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 3:30 am
Another crappy Christmas. I didn’t get any of the stuff I asked Santa to bring me. Again. Does he even read his mail? When did I say I wanted socks and underwear? I don’t even wear underwear.
And to think I thought this year was going to be different. I made a special vow to be nice most every day and hardly do anything naughty. And I did, me, a referee. Big deal, right?
Wrong! What thanks do I get? A leather bound rule book! Like I’m going to start reading it now because it has a leather cover.
So screw you, Santa.
And thanks for the glasses. Har-de-har-har.
(Did I mention the ‘chocolate’ I left you was a laxative? Heh heh heh.)
Just a Fan DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 8:28 am
What did you ask for, you idiot? A brain? I don’t think they come in that small a size.
And what were you doing up at 3:30 in the morning? Even little kids wait until at least 6 before scampering out of bed. Were you anxious to see if you got the Frozen movie sound track? Awww, ain’t that precious.
Hope your disappointment doesn’t affect your work.
Hate to see my … Capitals, yeah, my Capitals have some bad calls go against them. Just because you’re an numbskull.
JohnWonderful DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 12:01 am
Merry Christmas to all!
It’s A Lousy Life DECEMBER 25, 2015 at 12:01 am
Go back to bed, loser!
The Toronto Mighty Oak -- now that's a name!
(Dec. 15, 2015)
So Toronto's looking for a new logo.
They should be looking for a new name, as I suggested back in September 2012 during the lockout.
Is there a stupider team name in all of sports than the Maple Leafs? Aside from being bad English, calling yourself the Maple Leafs doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of opponents. The Toronto Mighty Oak – now that’s impressive.
Heck, it would have been more impressive if Toronto had gone with Hard Maple (there’s something to be said for a plant that’s a perennial woody; just ask the guys who are annual).
Even a lowly shrub would have made a better choice. Foes would think twice about tangling with the Toronto Poison Sumac.
If Toronto was honest about itself and striving for verisimilitude – which I think all of us in our daily lives should be trying to achieve – it would rename itself the Toronto Chokecherries.
And why pick the flimsiest part of a tree, a leaf, as your sobriquet? It’s not okay. A good rule of thumb in choosing a moniker is to go with one that commands respect or causes rivals to quake but leaves – sorry – leafs? C’mon, they’re the ones that tremble.
Think about it, if Willowdale were to get a professional sports team, would it call itself the Willowdale Willow Branches? No, it would be the Willowdale Willow.
But if you must insist on naming your franchise after a part of a plant, why not the Toronto Pistils? So what if it’s the female reproductive part of a flower, at least it sounds deadly.
And whenever teams lose to Toronto, you could always say they were pistil-whipped.
(Dec. 15, 2015)
So Toronto's looking for a new logo.
They should be looking for a new name, as I suggested back in September 2012 during the lockout.
Is there a stupider team name in all of sports than the Maple Leafs? Aside from being bad English, calling yourself the Maple Leafs doesn’t exactly strike fear in the hearts of opponents. The Toronto Mighty Oak – now that’s impressive.
Heck, it would have been more impressive if Toronto had gone with Hard Maple (there’s something to be said for a plant that’s a perennial woody; just ask the guys who are annual).
Even a lowly shrub would have made a better choice. Foes would think twice about tangling with the Toronto Poison Sumac.
If Toronto was honest about itself and striving for verisimilitude – which I think all of us in our daily lives should be trying to achieve – it would rename itself the Toronto Chokecherries.
And why pick the flimsiest part of a tree, a leaf, as your sobriquet? It’s not okay. A good rule of thumb in choosing a moniker is to go with one that commands respect or causes rivals to quake but leaves – sorry – leafs? C’mon, they’re the ones that tremble.
Think about it, if Willowdale were to get a professional sports team, would it call itself the Willowdale Willow Branches? No, it would be the Willowdale Willow.
But if you must insist on naming your franchise after a part of a plant, why not the Toronto Pistils? So what if it’s the female reproductive part of a flower, at least it sounds deadly.
And whenever teams lose to Toronto, you could always say they were pistil-whipped.
When fans don't see eye-to-eye
(Nov. 28, 2015)
It's surprising and disturbing to see fans get away with disparaging a certain Canadien who, in their eyes, has a physical disability and yet, against all odds, is able to play in the NHL.
I'm speaking, of course, of the visually impaired Lars Eller.
According to a select few of the pundits who populate the HIO site, the Dane “doesn't see all the ice,” which narrows his options when distributing the puck. In their view his view renders him unfit to be a centre and makes him barely adequate as a winger.
That he is still on the team is something of a miracle – or a damning indictment of the team's farm system.
How does Eller manage to play, you ask, given the magnitude of his impairment? Surreptitious use of a hockey stick as a cane and extraordinary hearing provide the most logical explanation.
And, it must be added, poor eyesight is no barrier to earning a living in the NHL, as referees will admit freely after a round or two of post-game beverages.
Now it could be that those few overly critical of the forward's talents are, in fact, exhibiting a defect of their own, that what they observe might not be the reality seen by a majority.
If such is the case – and research is pointing in that direction -- to the list of conditions described as blurred vision, double vision and Panavision (the ability to see things clearly off to one side) can now be added Eller vision – a fan's wilful blindness to an athlete's level of competence, distinguished by a lack of appreciation for what he does in performance of his duties.
There is no cure. Scientists had suggested repeated exercise of the optic nerve by watching the player in action might ameliorate the condition but mounting evidence shows it only worsens it. They now recommend abstinence (no TV) as the proper response to obstinance.
(Nov. 28, 2015)
It's surprising and disturbing to see fans get away with disparaging a certain Canadien who, in their eyes, has a physical disability and yet, against all odds, is able to play in the NHL.
I'm speaking, of course, of the visually impaired Lars Eller.
According to a select few of the pundits who populate the HIO site, the Dane “doesn't see all the ice,” which narrows his options when distributing the puck. In their view his view renders him unfit to be a centre and makes him barely adequate as a winger.
That he is still on the team is something of a miracle – or a damning indictment of the team's farm system.
How does Eller manage to play, you ask, given the magnitude of his impairment? Surreptitious use of a hockey stick as a cane and extraordinary hearing provide the most logical explanation.
And, it must be added, poor eyesight is no barrier to earning a living in the NHL, as referees will admit freely after a round or two of post-game beverages.
Now it could be that those few overly critical of the forward's talents are, in fact, exhibiting a defect of their own, that what they observe might not be the reality seen by a majority.
If such is the case – and research is pointing in that direction -- to the list of conditions described as blurred vision, double vision and Panavision (the ability to see things clearly off to one side) can now be added Eller vision – a fan's wilful blindness to an athlete's level of competence, distinguished by a lack of appreciation for what he does in performance of his duties.
There is no cure. Scientists had suggested repeated exercise of the optic nerve by watching the player in action might ameliorate the condition but mounting evidence shows it only worsens it. They now recommend abstinence (no TV) as the proper response to obstinance.
How do you spell Montreal Canadiens?
(Nov. 27, 2015)
Here’s a quiz that could reinforce your credentials as a self-professed diehard Hab fan.
But don’t take it lightly. It IS tricky.
1. The proper spelling of the Montreal Canadiens is:
a.) Montreal Canadians
b.) Montreal Canadiuns
c.) Montreal Canadiennes
d.) Montreal Canadiens
e.) Mountreal Canadiens
2. There is only one francophone player on the top roster. He is:
a.) Andrei Markov
b.) Alexei Emelin
c.) David Desharnais
d.) Sven Andrighetto
e.) Tomas Plekanec
3. Devante Smith-Pelly’s initials are
a.) DPS
b.) PSD
c.) PPS
d.) DSP
e.) RVSP
4. The coach of the Montreal Canadiens is
a.) Marc Bergevin
b.) Jacques Martin
c.) Michel Therrien
d.) Grey Hound
e.) An idiot
5. The last time the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup was
a.) 1955
b.) 1967
c.) 1989
d.) 1993
e.) 2012
6. A player is assessed a penalty if, in handling the puck, he
a.) fires it into the stands off the top of the glass in his own end
b.) is rammed into the goalie from behind by a defender
c.) accidentally hits a linesman’s skate with it as he attempts an icing
d.) loses it in his paraphernalia and takes several strides
e.) is wearing a sweater with a big CH on the front
7. The Montreal Canadiens were founded by
a.) Pat O’Brien
b.) Conan O’Brien
c.) J. Ambrose O’Brien
d.) Larson E. Whipsnade
e.) Otis B. Driftwood
8. In their heyday the Montreal Canadiens were popularly known as the
a.) Frying Frenchmen
b.) Flying Trenchmen
c.) Prying Henchmen
d.) Flying Frenchmen
e.) Airborne Amphibians
9. The motto of the Montreal Canadiens is:
a.) “You can’t beat the real thing.”
b.) “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is”
c.) “To you from failing hands we throw the torch. Be yours to hold it high.”
d.) “Pleasing people the world over.”
e.) “Between love and madness lies obsession.”
10. The Montreal Canadiens have won 24 Cups. Their next one will be:
a.) In our lifetime
b.) Their 25th
c.) Televised
d.) A miracle
e.) All of the above
Here’s how you rate by the number of correct answers:
9-10 – You could be a manager
7-8 – Have you ever thought of coaching?
5-6 – Nothing wrong with being an assistant coach
3-4 – You can still make good money as a hockey insider
1-2 – It’s a good thing Hockey Inside/Out doesn’t charge to be a member
(Nov. 27, 2015)
Here’s a quiz that could reinforce your credentials as a self-professed diehard Hab fan.
But don’t take it lightly. It IS tricky.
1. The proper spelling of the Montreal Canadiens is:
a.) Montreal Canadians
b.) Montreal Canadiuns
c.) Montreal Canadiennes
d.) Montreal Canadiens
e.) Mountreal Canadiens
2. There is only one francophone player on the top roster. He is:
a.) Andrei Markov
b.) Alexei Emelin
c.) David Desharnais
d.) Sven Andrighetto
e.) Tomas Plekanec
3. Devante Smith-Pelly’s initials are
a.) DPS
b.) PSD
c.) PPS
d.) DSP
e.) RVSP
4. The coach of the Montreal Canadiens is
a.) Marc Bergevin
b.) Jacques Martin
c.) Michel Therrien
d.) Grey Hound
e.) An idiot
5. The last time the Montreal Canadiens won the Stanley Cup was
a.) 1955
b.) 1967
c.) 1989
d.) 1993
e.) 2012
6. A player is assessed a penalty if, in handling the puck, he
a.) fires it into the stands off the top of the glass in his own end
b.) is rammed into the goalie from behind by a defender
c.) accidentally hits a linesman’s skate with it as he attempts an icing
d.) loses it in his paraphernalia and takes several strides
e.) is wearing a sweater with a big CH on the front
7. The Montreal Canadiens were founded by
a.) Pat O’Brien
b.) Conan O’Brien
c.) J. Ambrose O’Brien
d.) Larson E. Whipsnade
e.) Otis B. Driftwood
8. In their heyday the Montreal Canadiens were popularly known as the
a.) Frying Frenchmen
b.) Flying Trenchmen
c.) Prying Henchmen
d.) Flying Frenchmen
e.) Airborne Amphibians
9. The motto of the Montreal Canadiens is:
a.) “You can’t beat the real thing.”
b.) “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is”
c.) “To you from failing hands we throw the torch. Be yours to hold it high.”
d.) “Pleasing people the world over.”
e.) “Between love and madness lies obsession.”
10. The Montreal Canadiens have won 24 Cups. Their next one will be:
a.) In our lifetime
b.) Their 25th
c.) Televised
d.) A miracle
e.) All of the above
Here’s how you rate by the number of correct answers:
9-10 – You could be a manager
7-8 – Have you ever thought of coaching?
5-6 – Nothing wrong with being an assistant coach
3-4 – You can still make good money as a hockey insider
1-2 – It’s a good thing Hockey Inside/Out doesn’t charge to be a member
The lowdown on deal that went down ... in infamy
[Jan. 16, 2015]
Jacobs: Hi, Geoff, c'mon in, grab a seat. [shakes hands]. You know Ed.
Molson: Hi, Jeremy, hi, Ed [shakes hands].
Snider: Glad you could make it.
Molson: What's on your mind?
Jacobs: Geoff, you know me, I get right to the point. We need your help. Right away.
Molson: Sure, sure. What is it you need?
Snider: Make a trade for Scott in Arizona. Send them Tinordi. You're not using him anyway. Everybody wins.
Molson [raising his voice]: Whaddya mean, everybody wins? We give up a first-round pick for a six-foot-eight goon who plays five minutes a week?
Jacobs [calmly]: That's more than the six-foot-six dud you have now is getting.
Molson: But our duuuufenceman has a higher ceiling. There's a lot of potential there waiting to be developed. Scott's a one-trick pony.
Snider: More a Clydesdale in size and style, I'd say. And how's that working out with Tinordi. Show any signs of turning into Goldordi yet?
Molson: He will, he will. My staff tells me he's really improving in practices. Made a 30-foot pass the other day. Can turn on a toonie now.
Jacobs: I'm impressed. Sounds like you got a Chara on your hands. Well, Ed, I guess we can go. You're right, he's not buying it. [stands up]
Molson [rises from chair, motioning Jacobs to sit back down]: No, no, no. Go on. I did travel all this way after all. [Jacobs settles back in] So, Jeremy, Ed, why the interest in Scott and Tinordi. They're not on your teams. What difference does it make to you guys what happens to them?
[Snider, Jacobs look at each other, Jacobs nods] Snider: You've heard about the Inner Circle, haven't you?
Molson [with a somewhat quizzical look]: The owners who really run the league, with Bettman as their henchman?
Jacobs: He prefers minion. Makes him sound cuddly, cute. Lord knows, he could do with an image makeover.
Molson: So there really is an Inner Circle, it's not a bunch of baloney put out by the media?
Snider: Yeah, it's real, there's a Circle. Baloney is the media saying Quennville's a effin' genius. If only they knew.
Molson [agape]: He's not a great coach?
Jacobs: Oh, he's good in his way. But let's just say he gets some help. Rocky insisted, and we were only happy to oblige a fellow lodge member. It's too bad he couldn't make this meeting.
Molson: Let me get this straight: You, Ed and Rocky belong to the Inner Circle?
Jacobs: We ARE the Inner Circle. Just the three of us. Me, Snider and Wirtz.
Molson: How come I'm not part of the Inner Circle?
Snider: Then we'd have to have minutes of the meeting in French as well. Too much of a hassle. Even though we don't take minutes. Besides, you're Canadian, what are you going to bring to the table other than a fanatical fan base and a disproportionate share of league-related revenues? [shrugs]
Molson [rises from his seat, his face red, lips trembling, his hands turned fists]: Why, you pompous, overbearing, good-for-nothing [his rage leaves him speechless but sputtering]
[Jacobs looks at Snider]: So, Ed, were you and Rocky serious about expanding the Inner Circle?
[Molson stops panting, resumes normal breathing, cocks head and eases himself back into his chair]: Expanding?
Snider: Very serious. The two of us agreed the league needs to expand, two teams in the next couple of years, and four more after that, so the Inner Circle will need to expand as well, to stay on top of things. We had a candidate in mind but it appears we may have made a mistake.
[Molson raises eyebrows, presses his right hand to his chest, asks tentatively]: Me? I'm your candidate?
Jacobs: Was. We see now that you're not the pompous, overbearing individual we're obviously looking for so we'll have to re-open our search.
Molson: No, no, I can be that man. At least I think I can ... What does membership in the Inner Circle get you again?
Jacobs: Customized officiating, favourable rulings from the player safety department, control of Collective Bargaining Agreement negotiations, veto on cities applying to join the NHL, first dibs on all outdoor games, a weekly comedy roast with Don Cherry as the host – the coot's a hoot! --, a secret handshake, a gold-pla
Molson [interrupting]: Wait a minute, go back! Did you say first dibs on an outdoor game AND a veto on a city wanting to join the league, say, from the same province?
[Jacobs looks at Snider, his eyes narrowing, an-ever-so-slight grin forming at the edge of his mouth, which Snider returns] Why, yes, yes, I did. [raises eyebrows]
Molson [glances down to one side, purses lips, looks up]: So what is it you want me, I mean, Marc, to do again?
Snider: Send Tinordi to Arizona, and agree to take Scott of its hands.
Molson: Why?
[Snider looks to Jacobs, who nods]: We, I mean that idiot Bettman convinced us to let fans vote for the all-star team. We knew we were playing with fire and we almost got burned a couple of times – did you know Desharnais came close to being a first line all-star centre TWICE? -- until we stepped in but this time the voting got out of hand before we could fix, er, adjust the results. And then that side of beef got voted in, making the whole league look stupid. Not that we normally care but our TV partners are giving us a hard time. So we have to do something to get us out of this jam. Having another team trade for him and then sending him to the AHL will do the trick without making the Coyotes look bad.
Molson: I don't know. Then that will make the Canadiens look bad. Worse, actually. We passed bad a while ago, keeping Therrien coach and with all this off-ice nonsense going on. I'm sorry, I just can't do it, it would make us look silly.
[Jacobs looks at Snider, Snider nods]: How about if I give Chris, Tom, David or one of the other owners at Nashville and suggest [makes no effort to hide his grin] they get involved in the trade somehow and have them send a player to you as well?
Molson: Like who?
Jacobs [uses his smartphone to tap into the Inner Circle database and calls up a name]: Victor Bartley
Molson: Never heard of him
Jacobs [scrolls down]: Apparently he's a clone of Francis Bouillon
Molson: Oooooh [claps hands]. Michel will love it. Okay, it's a deal. What do I do now.
Snider: Nothing. It's all taken care of. Bergevin's already been given a script to follow when he finally speaks to the press.
Molson: Boy, you guys work fast.
Jacobs: That's the thing with being the Inner Circle. We're always in the loop.
Molson: And now I'm part of it, right?
Snider: After the season. Got to get that out the way first.
Molson: I understand. We need to concentrate on making the playoffs.
[Snider looks at Jacobs, who nods]: You don't. But you do get a high draft pick.
[Jan. 16, 2015]
Jacobs: Hi, Geoff, c'mon in, grab a seat. [shakes hands]. You know Ed.
Molson: Hi, Jeremy, hi, Ed [shakes hands].
Snider: Glad you could make it.
Molson: What's on your mind?
Jacobs: Geoff, you know me, I get right to the point. We need your help. Right away.
Molson: Sure, sure. What is it you need?
Snider: Make a trade for Scott in Arizona. Send them Tinordi. You're not using him anyway. Everybody wins.
Molson [raising his voice]: Whaddya mean, everybody wins? We give up a first-round pick for a six-foot-eight goon who plays five minutes a week?
Jacobs [calmly]: That's more than the six-foot-six dud you have now is getting.
Molson: But our duuuufenceman has a higher ceiling. There's a lot of potential there waiting to be developed. Scott's a one-trick pony.
Snider: More a Clydesdale in size and style, I'd say. And how's that working out with Tinordi. Show any signs of turning into Goldordi yet?
Molson: He will, he will. My staff tells me he's really improving in practices. Made a 30-foot pass the other day. Can turn on a toonie now.
Jacobs: I'm impressed. Sounds like you got a Chara on your hands. Well, Ed, I guess we can go. You're right, he's not buying it. [stands up]
Molson [rises from chair, motioning Jacobs to sit back down]: No, no, no. Go on. I did travel all this way after all. [Jacobs settles back in] So, Jeremy, Ed, why the interest in Scott and Tinordi. They're not on your teams. What difference does it make to you guys what happens to them?
[Snider, Jacobs look at each other, Jacobs nods] Snider: You've heard about the Inner Circle, haven't you?
Molson [with a somewhat quizzical look]: The owners who really run the league, with Bettman as their henchman?
Jacobs: He prefers minion. Makes him sound cuddly, cute. Lord knows, he could do with an image makeover.
Molson: So there really is an Inner Circle, it's not a bunch of baloney put out by the media?
Snider: Yeah, it's real, there's a Circle. Baloney is the media saying Quennville's a effin' genius. If only they knew.
Molson [agape]: He's not a great coach?
Jacobs: Oh, he's good in his way. But let's just say he gets some help. Rocky insisted, and we were only happy to oblige a fellow lodge member. It's too bad he couldn't make this meeting.
Molson: Let me get this straight: You, Ed and Rocky belong to the Inner Circle?
Jacobs: We ARE the Inner Circle. Just the three of us. Me, Snider and Wirtz.
Molson: How come I'm not part of the Inner Circle?
Snider: Then we'd have to have minutes of the meeting in French as well. Too much of a hassle. Even though we don't take minutes. Besides, you're Canadian, what are you going to bring to the table other than a fanatical fan base and a disproportionate share of league-related revenues? [shrugs]
Molson [rises from his seat, his face red, lips trembling, his hands turned fists]: Why, you pompous, overbearing, good-for-nothing [his rage leaves him speechless but sputtering]
[Jacobs looks at Snider]: So, Ed, were you and Rocky serious about expanding the Inner Circle?
[Molson stops panting, resumes normal breathing, cocks head and eases himself back into his chair]: Expanding?
Snider: Very serious. The two of us agreed the league needs to expand, two teams in the next couple of years, and four more after that, so the Inner Circle will need to expand as well, to stay on top of things. We had a candidate in mind but it appears we may have made a mistake.
[Molson raises eyebrows, presses his right hand to his chest, asks tentatively]: Me? I'm your candidate?
Jacobs: Was. We see now that you're not the pompous, overbearing individual we're obviously looking for so we'll have to re-open our search.
Molson: No, no, I can be that man. At least I think I can ... What does membership in the Inner Circle get you again?
Jacobs: Customized officiating, favourable rulings from the player safety department, control of Collective Bargaining Agreement negotiations, veto on cities applying to join the NHL, first dibs on all outdoor games, a weekly comedy roast with Don Cherry as the host – the coot's a hoot! --, a secret handshake, a gold-pla
Molson [interrupting]: Wait a minute, go back! Did you say first dibs on an outdoor game AND a veto on a city wanting to join the league, say, from the same province?
[Jacobs looks at Snider, his eyes narrowing, an-ever-so-slight grin forming at the edge of his mouth, which Snider returns] Why, yes, yes, I did. [raises eyebrows]
Molson [glances down to one side, purses lips, looks up]: So what is it you want me, I mean, Marc, to do again?
Snider: Send Tinordi to Arizona, and agree to take Scott of its hands.
Molson: Why?
[Snider looks to Jacobs, who nods]: We, I mean that idiot Bettman convinced us to let fans vote for the all-star team. We knew we were playing with fire and we almost got burned a couple of times – did you know Desharnais came close to being a first line all-star centre TWICE? -- until we stepped in but this time the voting got out of hand before we could fix, er, adjust the results. And then that side of beef got voted in, making the whole league look stupid. Not that we normally care but our TV partners are giving us a hard time. So we have to do something to get us out of this jam. Having another team trade for him and then sending him to the AHL will do the trick without making the Coyotes look bad.
Molson: I don't know. Then that will make the Canadiens look bad. Worse, actually. We passed bad a while ago, keeping Therrien coach and with all this off-ice nonsense going on. I'm sorry, I just can't do it, it would make us look silly.
[Jacobs looks at Snider, Snider nods]: How about if I give Chris, Tom, David or one of the other owners at Nashville and suggest [makes no effort to hide his grin] they get involved in the trade somehow and have them send a player to you as well?
Molson: Like who?
Jacobs [uses his smartphone to tap into the Inner Circle database and calls up a name]: Victor Bartley
Molson: Never heard of him
Jacobs [scrolls down]: Apparently he's a clone of Francis Bouillon
Molson: Oooooh [claps hands]. Michel will love it. Okay, it's a deal. What do I do now.
Snider: Nothing. It's all taken care of. Bergevin's already been given a script to follow when he finally speaks to the press.
Molson: Boy, you guys work fast.
Jacobs: That's the thing with being the Inner Circle. We're always in the loop.
Molson: And now I'm part of it, right?
Snider: After the season. Got to get that out the way first.
Molson: I understand. We need to concentrate on making the playoffs.
[Snider looks at Jacobs, who nods]: You don't. But you do get a high draft pick.
Too bad about Eller, hockey smarts he has none
(Nov. 7, 2015)
Too bad about Eller, hockey smarts he has none
(I wonder who does up his skates)
When he carries the puck, why nothing gets done
Pity those who are his linemates
A pass will not come at a time opportune
He loves to hold onto the puck
He'll skate like the wind, a regular monsoon
And forget about poor Galchenyuk
He'll dipsy, he'll doodle, he's a noodle, you know
If only advice he would heed
He'd smarten right up, as a player he'd grow
And finally be brought up to speed
As to how things are done under MT's command
No more would his game go astray
He'd follow the system the way it was planned
Scoring points would become his cachet
And TOI wouldn't mean Terrible On Ice
He'd be minus the minus, all plus
A quick-thinking winger who never thinks twice
But does it without worry, no fuss
Oh, this is the Eller, of whom we all dream
A forward who plays with finesse
But if he falls short, boot him right off the team
It's what he deserves, nothing less
So, Lars, smarten up, don't skate in a fog
Focus, young man, and you'll find
Yourself back at centre, already to slog
So what if it's now the fourth line?
The fate of the team on your shoulders it lies
This we know by what fans have to say
So give it your best shot and to our surprise
Come up big – like D. Desharnais
(Nov. 7, 2015)
Too bad about Eller, hockey smarts he has none
(I wonder who does up his skates)
When he carries the puck, why nothing gets done
Pity those who are his linemates
A pass will not come at a time opportune
He loves to hold onto the puck
He'll skate like the wind, a regular monsoon
And forget about poor Galchenyuk
He'll dipsy, he'll doodle, he's a noodle, you know
If only advice he would heed
He'd smarten right up, as a player he'd grow
And finally be brought up to speed
As to how things are done under MT's command
No more would his game go astray
He'd follow the system the way it was planned
Scoring points would become his cachet
And TOI wouldn't mean Terrible On Ice
He'd be minus the minus, all plus
A quick-thinking winger who never thinks twice
But does it without worry, no fuss
Oh, this is the Eller, of whom we all dream
A forward who plays with finesse
But if he falls short, boot him right off the team
It's what he deserves, nothing less
So, Lars, smarten up, don't skate in a fog
Focus, young man, and you'll find
Yourself back at centre, already to slog
So what if it's now the fourth line?
The fate of the team on your shoulders it lies
This we know by what fans have to say
So give it your best shot and to our surprise
Come up big – like D. Desharnais
Stephen Harper, he's our man!
(Oct. 24, 2015)
I’ve found a successor for Bettman (unless – good grief! – he was appointed for life, in which case scroll on down to the next post, I’ve nothing for you here).
I humbly submit the next commissioner of the NHL should be Stephen Harper (a five-minute pause to allow the clamour to subside).
Say what you will about Harper – guys, guys, I didn’t mean right now! — but he would easily fit into the autocratic mode the position seems to favour but have the saving grace of being Canadian.
Which is a big deal when you consider the last three commissioners have been American (Bettman, Gil Stein and John Ziegler) and only two of the six have hailed from north of the 49th Parallel.
In fact, the very first one, Frank Calder, who reigned from 1917 to 1943, wasn’t born in either country but in Bristol, England in 1877. He didn’t immigrate to Canada until the early 1900s.
So, clearly the country that has supplied the NHL a preponderance of its athletes over the years and continues to be the game’s most fervent supporter has been grievously under-represented at the topmost corporate level.
This cannot continue. A change is in order.
And Harper knows all about change, having benefitted – okay, it was we who benefitted – from recent events.
Given the reins of power once more, Harper, I’m certain, would, lesson learned, be a kinder, wiser leader than he was as prime minister. But a leader with a firm hand on the tiller nonetheless, someone with a strong law-and-order agenda who would make sure no high stick or boarding went unpunished or repeat offender not be dealt with severely by way of supplementary discipline, with imprisonment becoming an option.
At the very least we could count on more penalty boxes being constructed.
Harper would also bring to the game a hockey sense that commissioners have sorely lacked since Clarence Campbell, the last Canadian to hold the job, retired in 1977. Campbell, a lawyer, overcame that impediment, earning his stripes as a referee before taking the helm in 1946 (he was officiating the night Howie Morenz broke his leg Jan. 28, 1937, marking the end of the superstar’s career and ultimately his life).
Harper’s pedigree is that he is a bona fide hockey buff, having gone so far as to write a book about his favourite sport, titled A Great Game: The Forgotten Leafs and the Rise of Professional Hockey.
Given the enormous amount of free time he now has as a lowly MP, Harper is said to be working on a sequel, What the Leafs in Demise Forgot About Professional Hockey.
Harper might not be to everyone’s liking in the hockey community – his handling of Senators was problematic – but to his credit he is a strong defender of the North (go, Canada, go!), as an economist he knows something about analytics, and he’s a big fan of trade deals.
Harper for Commish. I think he’s ready.
(Oct. 24, 2015)
I’ve found a successor for Bettman (unless – good grief! – he was appointed for life, in which case scroll on down to the next post, I’ve nothing for you here).
I humbly submit the next commissioner of the NHL should be Stephen Harper (a five-minute pause to allow the clamour to subside).
Say what you will about Harper – guys, guys, I didn’t mean right now! — but he would easily fit into the autocratic mode the position seems to favour but have the saving grace of being Canadian.
Which is a big deal when you consider the last three commissioners have been American (Bettman, Gil Stein and John Ziegler) and only two of the six have hailed from north of the 49th Parallel.
In fact, the very first one, Frank Calder, who reigned from 1917 to 1943, wasn’t born in either country but in Bristol, England in 1877. He didn’t immigrate to Canada until the early 1900s.
So, clearly the country that has supplied the NHL a preponderance of its athletes over the years and continues to be the game’s most fervent supporter has been grievously under-represented at the topmost corporate level.
This cannot continue. A change is in order.
And Harper knows all about change, having benefitted – okay, it was we who benefitted – from recent events.
Given the reins of power once more, Harper, I’m certain, would, lesson learned, be a kinder, wiser leader than he was as prime minister. But a leader with a firm hand on the tiller nonetheless, someone with a strong law-and-order agenda who would make sure no high stick or boarding went unpunished or repeat offender not be dealt with severely by way of supplementary discipline, with imprisonment becoming an option.
At the very least we could count on more penalty boxes being constructed.
Harper would also bring to the game a hockey sense that commissioners have sorely lacked since Clarence Campbell, the last Canadian to hold the job, retired in 1977. Campbell, a lawyer, overcame that impediment, earning his stripes as a referee before taking the helm in 1946 (he was officiating the night Howie Morenz broke his leg Jan. 28, 1937, marking the end of the superstar’s career and ultimately his life).
Harper’s pedigree is that he is a bona fide hockey buff, having gone so far as to write a book about his favourite sport, titled A Great Game: The Forgotten Leafs and the Rise of Professional Hockey.
Given the enormous amount of free time he now has as a lowly MP, Harper is said to be working on a sequel, What the Leafs in Demise Forgot About Professional Hockey.
Harper might not be to everyone’s liking in the hockey community – his handling of Senators was problematic – but to his credit he is a strong defender of the North (go, Canada, go!), as an economist he knows something about analytics, and he’s a big fan of trade deals.
Harper for Commish. I think he’s ready.
The Five-Minute Mystery
(Oct. 15, 2015)
Inspector Croissant stepped inside the dimly lit apartment and made straight for the body lying on the carpeted floor.
Male. Caucasian. Unshaven. Wearing a T-shirt and boxer shorts. In his late 50s. Lapsed Protestant (Half-a-Day Adventist).
Croissant narrowed his eyes and gave the sprawled figure a sharp, swift kick with the side of his foot.
“Bob, wake up. It's after eight. We got a case over on Rue LeJour.”
A red-faced Bob gathered his clothes, his wits among them, and dressed in haste by the light of Croissant's glare.
They drove in silence across the city, Croissant going over the facts of the case he had been given over the phone that morning at home, Bob wondering why they couldn't have taken one car.
Traffic was sparse and they made good time, arriving at their destination simultaneously. They examined the damage, exchanged the names of their insurance agents, and then bounded up the 72 steps to knock on the door of the one-storey brownstone.
A maid let them in and frisked them. Bob returned the favour. They handed back each other's snub-nosed pistol, exchanging a wink and a nod in the process.
The maid led them to the den. It was worse than what the Inspector had been led to believe. The room had been ransacked. Curtains were torn off the windows, the carpet ripped up, the fireplace dismantled. A bookmark lay useless beside a novel.
Books, plaques, albums, boxes, cards, sweaters, and the body of a older man were strewn about the floor. Unlike Bob his strewing days were over. The head of the forensics team stepped forward and gave the cause of death: a blunt instrument. With a great deal of effort he handed the Inspector a trophy, a cup with a hockey player on each side set atop a large wooden base.
“Hmmm, interesting,” murmured Croissant as he lowered the trophy to the floor, astonished by its heft. “The O'Brien Trophy, last awarded in the 1950 to the Stanley Cup runner-up. It was donated to the National Hockey Association by Canadian Senator M.J. O'Brien in honour of his son, Ambrose O'Brien, a founder of the NHA ... and the founding owner of the Montreal Canadiens.”
Bob didn't hide his admiration.
“You really know your stuff, Inspector,” Bob said in awe.
“Uh?” replied Croissant, without looking up from his iPhone as he scrolled down the Wikipedia page and continued reading. The Cup had been made using silver from an O'Brien mine.
He called the maid over.
“When did you find the body?” he asked.
“First thing this morning when I showed up for work,” she answered. “Didn't see him at first. I nearly tripped over him. He never could keep this room tidy.”
“This is the way it always looked?” Croissant asked in disbelief.
“Oh yes, but yesterday he began trying to clear up the clutter, said he had a big deal in the works with a collector. But he was a man AND a bachelor, you know. It was just too much for him.”
“The collector have a name?
“Oh, I'm sure he does. Most people do. But if you're asking me if I know it, no, I don't. Can I be excused now? I have newspapers to phone and tweets to send.”
Croissant nodded his assent, gambling word of the – what? Murder? Suicide? Accident? -- would lead to a flurry of tips being phoned in to the Engaged Citizens for a Safer Society hotline.
His iPhone vibrated and fell from his palm to the floor. Croissant picked it up and changed the setting from Orgasmic to Slightly Intrusive.
His gamble had paid off. Tips were pouring in. From the usual gang of attention-seekers, of course, but one message stood out. It was from Anonymous. What caught his attention: It was spelled correctly.
Croissant read it, twice, and then turned to Bob: “We'll let the crew finish up here. I've got what I need. We're off to a gathering of Montreal Canadiens' fans.”
Bob groaned.
II
Croissant tipped the tax driver and Bob paid the fare before making their way into the hotel where the Canadiens' supporters had congregated.
Bob, a Leaf fan by birth who had remained such despite numerous interventions by professionals and amateurs, managed to keep his gag reflex in check as he entered the large meeting room. Men and women milled about, sporting tri-coloured sweaters and caps emblazoned with a big C and a small H -- the paraphernalia worn by Hab fans everywhere.
Good gawd, he thought, I'm in the room less than a minute and I start talking like Danny Gallivan!
He glumly followed the inspector as he moved purposely through the crowd to a small platform at the front. Croissant held up his arms, Bob whistled, and a hundred or so pairs of eyes swivelled in their direction.
Croissant waited for the habbub to die down before identifying himself and stating the circumstances that had led him there. A collective gasp greeted his swift account of the scene he had just left.
“The O'Brien Trophy!” they exclaimed. In the clamour that followed, Croissant soon gathered the reason for their stunned reaction (as if any reason was needed for Canadiens fans to be stunned, Bob thought).
The O'Brien Trophy had been missing for decades, the prevailing belief being it had been melted down for its silver. To discover it remained intact was incredible! And to think the trophy might have been used as a murder weapon just added to the piquancy of the moment!
This was turning out to be the best Summit ever!
III
The inspector waited patiently until all eyes were upon him once again before he resumed his narrative.
“My associate and I have reason to believe one of you has information that will help us with our investigation. In fact, we've been told that person was at the Rue LeJour address within the last 24 hours.”
Another gasp en masse, wide-eyed looks, eyebrows raised – it was as if Carey Price had just robbed Sydney Crosby of a certain goal.
Fans nervously glanced around at fellow fans, studying their name tags and thinking, Yeah, he could have done it. Some of those posts he's written, just makes you wonder. Or she, yeah, it could have been a she. I wonder what their real names are.
Croissant broke the silence by saying the tip police had received was that there was an imposter among them.
“It was signed Anonymous which, for the sake of simplicity, we'll say was from a male. He told us he had had few drinks two nights ago and he thinks now, in hindsight, that while he was feeling a little lightheaded he might have divulged the existence of the O'Brien Cup, how much it was worth, and where it could be found. One thing he's certain of, it wasn't a Hab fan he was talking to, even though he was wearing a name tag with a moniker suggesting he was. Our tipster figures it was a fan of another team who used a ruse to get some cheap tickets to a hockey game. And being a non-Hab fan, you know he had to be a low-life” -- Bob glowered -- “and when he heard about an opportunity for some ill-gotten gain at the same time, well, he took advantage of the situation.”
“But there was no gain that was gotten, ill or otherwise,” one of the Summiteers spoke up. “The trophy was still in the room.”
“Thanks to the maid. When he heard her at the door, he fled in a panic out the back with a few valuable souvenirs, but without the trophy. That thing weighs a ton. Forensics found some footprints we could use as evidence. As soon as we establish who the culprit is.”
“How you gonna do that?” asked another Summiteer.
“Easy. On the way over I wrote up a quiz only true Canadiens' fans could answer correctly. That will flush out the imposter.”
A collective ooh! oohzed through the crowd. A quiz! This was better than a poll!
They lined up to answer the quiz in writing -- a killer among them.
IV
Bob led the suspect through the gawking crowd, the suspect's face covered by a jacket, his hands behind his back bound by hockey tape.
Croissant thanked the people for their cooperation and was greeted with a rousing chorus of “Ole, ole, ole, ole. Ole. Ole.”
Bob just shook his head but smiled with relief as he ushered the suspect out of the building to a waiting police car.
Croissant joined him at his side and watched the car speed away.
“Inspector, how did the quiz catch the killer? How hard could it have been?”
“Here, Bob, you decide.”
Bob looked at the piece of paper, read it quickly, shaking his head at each question.
“Gawd, Inspector, these are tough. I don't know the answers to any of them!”
“I know, Bob, that's why you're under arrest. I used trickery to make you think we had found the killer to get you to take the test without realizing you were a suspect. You just confirmed my suspicions.”
“But, but, how did you know it was me?” a bewildered Bob bewailed.
“When I found you in your apartment, it was obvious you had been trying to drink off a bad memory. The collectors' Jacques Plante tuque you had on your face – that made me wonder. A Leaf fan with Hab stuff? Something wasn't right. Turns out I was. Too bad, Bob, I liked you as a partner. Even if you do cheer for Toronto.”
A police car pulled up. Croissant handcuffed Bob, folded him into the back seat, and waved him off.
Another case solved.
So what were the questions that tripped up Bob, you ask?
Here they are, with the answers further down the page (you might want to keep quiet if you don't know the answers; the inspector thinks Bob might have had an accomplice):
Which one in each group doesn't belong:
1.) Jacques Plante, Maurice Richard, Jean Beliveau, Carey Price, Gerry Hart
2.) Red Berenson, Brad Brown, Ryan White, Rick Green, Glen Goldup
3.) Doug Harvey, Larry Robinson, Chris Chelios, PK Subban, Bobby Orr
4.) Mike Babcock, Joel Quennville, Al Arbour, Larry Robinson, Randy Carlyle
5.) Tory Mitchell, Brian Flynn, Devante Smith-Pelly, Zach Kassian, Michael Bournival
(Oct. 15, 2015)
Inspector Croissant stepped inside the dimly lit apartment and made straight for the body lying on the carpeted floor.
Male. Caucasian. Unshaven. Wearing a T-shirt and boxer shorts. In his late 50s. Lapsed Protestant (Half-a-Day Adventist).
Croissant narrowed his eyes and gave the sprawled figure a sharp, swift kick with the side of his foot.
“Bob, wake up. It's after eight. We got a case over on Rue LeJour.”
A red-faced Bob gathered his clothes, his wits among them, and dressed in haste by the light of Croissant's glare.
They drove in silence across the city, Croissant going over the facts of the case he had been given over the phone that morning at home, Bob wondering why they couldn't have taken one car.
Traffic was sparse and they made good time, arriving at their destination simultaneously. They examined the damage, exchanged the names of their insurance agents, and then bounded up the 72 steps to knock on the door of the one-storey brownstone.
A maid let them in and frisked them. Bob returned the favour. They handed back each other's snub-nosed pistol, exchanging a wink and a nod in the process.
The maid led them to the den. It was worse than what the Inspector had been led to believe. The room had been ransacked. Curtains were torn off the windows, the carpet ripped up, the fireplace dismantled. A bookmark lay useless beside a novel.
Books, plaques, albums, boxes, cards, sweaters, and the body of a older man were strewn about the floor. Unlike Bob his strewing days were over. The head of the forensics team stepped forward and gave the cause of death: a blunt instrument. With a great deal of effort he handed the Inspector a trophy, a cup with a hockey player on each side set atop a large wooden base.
“Hmmm, interesting,” murmured Croissant as he lowered the trophy to the floor, astonished by its heft. “The O'Brien Trophy, last awarded in the 1950 to the Stanley Cup runner-up. It was donated to the National Hockey Association by Canadian Senator M.J. O'Brien in honour of his son, Ambrose O'Brien, a founder of the NHA ... and the founding owner of the Montreal Canadiens.”
Bob didn't hide his admiration.
“You really know your stuff, Inspector,” Bob said in awe.
“Uh?” replied Croissant, without looking up from his iPhone as he scrolled down the Wikipedia page and continued reading. The Cup had been made using silver from an O'Brien mine.
He called the maid over.
“When did you find the body?” he asked.
“First thing this morning when I showed up for work,” she answered. “Didn't see him at first. I nearly tripped over him. He never could keep this room tidy.”
“This is the way it always looked?” Croissant asked in disbelief.
“Oh yes, but yesterday he began trying to clear up the clutter, said he had a big deal in the works with a collector. But he was a man AND a bachelor, you know. It was just too much for him.”
“The collector have a name?
“Oh, I'm sure he does. Most people do. But if you're asking me if I know it, no, I don't. Can I be excused now? I have newspapers to phone and tweets to send.”
Croissant nodded his assent, gambling word of the – what? Murder? Suicide? Accident? -- would lead to a flurry of tips being phoned in to the Engaged Citizens for a Safer Society hotline.
His iPhone vibrated and fell from his palm to the floor. Croissant picked it up and changed the setting from Orgasmic to Slightly Intrusive.
His gamble had paid off. Tips were pouring in. From the usual gang of attention-seekers, of course, but one message stood out. It was from Anonymous. What caught his attention: It was spelled correctly.
Croissant read it, twice, and then turned to Bob: “We'll let the crew finish up here. I've got what I need. We're off to a gathering of Montreal Canadiens' fans.”
Bob groaned.
II
Croissant tipped the tax driver and Bob paid the fare before making their way into the hotel where the Canadiens' supporters had congregated.
Bob, a Leaf fan by birth who had remained such despite numerous interventions by professionals and amateurs, managed to keep his gag reflex in check as he entered the large meeting room. Men and women milled about, sporting tri-coloured sweaters and caps emblazoned with a big C and a small H -- the paraphernalia worn by Hab fans everywhere.
Good gawd, he thought, I'm in the room less than a minute and I start talking like Danny Gallivan!
He glumly followed the inspector as he moved purposely through the crowd to a small platform at the front. Croissant held up his arms, Bob whistled, and a hundred or so pairs of eyes swivelled in their direction.
Croissant waited for the habbub to die down before identifying himself and stating the circumstances that had led him there. A collective gasp greeted his swift account of the scene he had just left.
“The O'Brien Trophy!” they exclaimed. In the clamour that followed, Croissant soon gathered the reason for their stunned reaction (as if any reason was needed for Canadiens fans to be stunned, Bob thought).
The O'Brien Trophy had been missing for decades, the prevailing belief being it had been melted down for its silver. To discover it remained intact was incredible! And to think the trophy might have been used as a murder weapon just added to the piquancy of the moment!
This was turning out to be the best Summit ever!
III
The inspector waited patiently until all eyes were upon him once again before he resumed his narrative.
“My associate and I have reason to believe one of you has information that will help us with our investigation. In fact, we've been told that person was at the Rue LeJour address within the last 24 hours.”
Another gasp en masse, wide-eyed looks, eyebrows raised – it was as if Carey Price had just robbed Sydney Crosby of a certain goal.
Fans nervously glanced around at fellow fans, studying their name tags and thinking, Yeah, he could have done it. Some of those posts he's written, just makes you wonder. Or she, yeah, it could have been a she. I wonder what their real names are.
Croissant broke the silence by saying the tip police had received was that there was an imposter among them.
“It was signed Anonymous which, for the sake of simplicity, we'll say was from a male. He told us he had had few drinks two nights ago and he thinks now, in hindsight, that while he was feeling a little lightheaded he might have divulged the existence of the O'Brien Cup, how much it was worth, and where it could be found. One thing he's certain of, it wasn't a Hab fan he was talking to, even though he was wearing a name tag with a moniker suggesting he was. Our tipster figures it was a fan of another team who used a ruse to get some cheap tickets to a hockey game. And being a non-Hab fan, you know he had to be a low-life” -- Bob glowered -- “and when he heard about an opportunity for some ill-gotten gain at the same time, well, he took advantage of the situation.”
“But there was no gain that was gotten, ill or otherwise,” one of the Summiteers spoke up. “The trophy was still in the room.”
“Thanks to the maid. When he heard her at the door, he fled in a panic out the back with a few valuable souvenirs, but without the trophy. That thing weighs a ton. Forensics found some footprints we could use as evidence. As soon as we establish who the culprit is.”
“How you gonna do that?” asked another Summiteer.
“Easy. On the way over I wrote up a quiz only true Canadiens' fans could answer correctly. That will flush out the imposter.”
A collective ooh! oohzed through the crowd. A quiz! This was better than a poll!
They lined up to answer the quiz in writing -- a killer among them.
IV
Bob led the suspect through the gawking crowd, the suspect's face covered by a jacket, his hands behind his back bound by hockey tape.
Croissant thanked the people for their cooperation and was greeted with a rousing chorus of “Ole, ole, ole, ole. Ole. Ole.”
Bob just shook his head but smiled with relief as he ushered the suspect out of the building to a waiting police car.
Croissant joined him at his side and watched the car speed away.
“Inspector, how did the quiz catch the killer? How hard could it have been?”
“Here, Bob, you decide.”
Bob looked at the piece of paper, read it quickly, shaking his head at each question.
“Gawd, Inspector, these are tough. I don't know the answers to any of them!”
“I know, Bob, that's why you're under arrest. I used trickery to make you think we had found the killer to get you to take the test without realizing you were a suspect. You just confirmed my suspicions.”
“But, but, how did you know it was me?” a bewildered Bob bewailed.
“When I found you in your apartment, it was obvious you had been trying to drink off a bad memory. The collectors' Jacques Plante tuque you had on your face – that made me wonder. A Leaf fan with Hab stuff? Something wasn't right. Turns out I was. Too bad, Bob, I liked you as a partner. Even if you do cheer for Toronto.”
A police car pulled up. Croissant handcuffed Bob, folded him into the back seat, and waved him off.
Another case solved.
So what were the questions that tripped up Bob, you ask?
Here they are, with the answers further down the page (you might want to keep quiet if you don't know the answers; the inspector thinks Bob might have had an accomplice):
Which one in each group doesn't belong:
1.) Jacques Plante, Maurice Richard, Jean Beliveau, Carey Price, Gerry Hart
2.) Red Berenson, Brad Brown, Ryan White, Rick Green, Glen Goldup
3.) Doug Harvey, Larry Robinson, Chris Chelios, PK Subban, Bobby Orr
4.) Mike Babcock, Joel Quennville, Al Arbour, Larry Robinson, Randy Carlyle
5.) Tory Mitchell, Brian Flynn, Devante Smith-Pelly, Zach Kassian, Michael Bournival
MB devises character test to avoid another fiasco
(Oct. 7, 2015)
Bergevin has repeatedly said he looks for character when putting together a team but sometimes guys with issues sneak past his radar. That's not gonna ever happen again with this nifty little player questionnaire he's devised to suss out those who could cause problems:
A little old lady is about to cross a very wide street. Would you:
1.) Take her arm and help her to the other side?
2.) Carry her across?
3.) Give her wheelchair a really good shove?
4.) Take her purse and help yourself to its contents?
You notice a 20-dollar bill falls out of the pocket of the senior in front of you in line at the grocery store. Would you:
1.) Pick up the 20, hand it to him, and say, “Excuse me, sir, you dropped this.”?
2.) Pick up the 20, hand him a bill, and say, “Excuse me, sir, is this 10-dollar bill yours?”?
3.) Take the gum you're chewing, put it on your shoe, and tell the old guy to keep moving.
4.) Pick up the 20, tip the really cute cashier, and ask if she'd like a ride home when she gets off work?
You come across a couple of punks roughing up some skinny dude. Would you:
1.) Rush right over and knock their heads together?
2.) Tell them in no uncertain terms to cease what they're doing and to leave the guy alone?
3.) Flash the switchblade you carry with you whenever you go barhopping?
4.) Take a selfie.
You see a teammate get rammed into the boards from behind. Would you:
1.) Return the favour and ram the offender from behind?
2.) Challenge the assailant to a fight?
3.) Menacingly wag a finger in his face and offer some disparaging words?
4.) Complete your line change?
You hear a children's hospital in a poor neighbourhood is in desperate need of medical equipment. Would you:
1.) Donate $10 million to build and equip a state-of-art wing?
2.) Donate $5 million to upgrade the surgical unit?
3.) Donate your time to asking teammates to make pledges?
4.) Donate blood to raise money by auctioning off samples in miniature autographed bottles?
A wife of a teammate who's neglected by her husband is lonely and depressed. Do you:
1.) Suggest a number of groups she can join and causes she can support that will make her feel life is worth living again?
2.) Give her the name and number of a counsellor who can help her deal with her private anguish?
3.) Become a good friend, a shoulder to cry on when she's feeling down?
4.) Become a really good friend, someone who gives her special attention, makes her feel like a woman, inflames her passion, takes her to places she's never known before, help her discover desires she never... well, just be a really, really, REALLY good friend?
You're walking down the hallway in your apartment when the guy next door steps out and hands you a small bag with white stuff in it. Do you:
1.) Tell him he didn't have to return the cup of sugar he borrowed?
2.) Express surprise: “Wow! Four loads of laundry and you still have some of the detergent I gave you!”?
3.) Throw it back in his face, yelling “Listen, freak, for the last time, I don't wanna see your dandruff collection!”?
4.) Warn him there better not be any baking soda in the blow this time?
(Oct. 7, 2015)
Bergevin has repeatedly said he looks for character when putting together a team but sometimes guys with issues sneak past his radar. That's not gonna ever happen again with this nifty little player questionnaire he's devised to suss out those who could cause problems:
A little old lady is about to cross a very wide street. Would you:
1.) Take her arm and help her to the other side?
2.) Carry her across?
3.) Give her wheelchair a really good shove?
4.) Take her purse and help yourself to its contents?
You notice a 20-dollar bill falls out of the pocket of the senior in front of you in line at the grocery store. Would you:
1.) Pick up the 20, hand it to him, and say, “Excuse me, sir, you dropped this.”?
2.) Pick up the 20, hand him a bill, and say, “Excuse me, sir, is this 10-dollar bill yours?”?
3.) Take the gum you're chewing, put it on your shoe, and tell the old guy to keep moving.
4.) Pick up the 20, tip the really cute cashier, and ask if she'd like a ride home when she gets off work?
You come across a couple of punks roughing up some skinny dude. Would you:
1.) Rush right over and knock their heads together?
2.) Tell them in no uncertain terms to cease what they're doing and to leave the guy alone?
3.) Flash the switchblade you carry with you whenever you go barhopping?
4.) Take a selfie.
You see a teammate get rammed into the boards from behind. Would you:
1.) Return the favour and ram the offender from behind?
2.) Challenge the assailant to a fight?
3.) Menacingly wag a finger in his face and offer some disparaging words?
4.) Complete your line change?
You hear a children's hospital in a poor neighbourhood is in desperate need of medical equipment. Would you:
1.) Donate $10 million to build and equip a state-of-art wing?
2.) Donate $5 million to upgrade the surgical unit?
3.) Donate your time to asking teammates to make pledges?
4.) Donate blood to raise money by auctioning off samples in miniature autographed bottles?
A wife of a teammate who's neglected by her husband is lonely and depressed. Do you:
1.) Suggest a number of groups she can join and causes she can support that will make her feel life is worth living again?
2.) Give her the name and number of a counsellor who can help her deal with her private anguish?
3.) Become a good friend, a shoulder to cry on when she's feeling down?
4.) Become a really good friend, someone who gives her special attention, makes her feel like a woman, inflames her passion, takes her to places she's never known before, help her discover desires she never... well, just be a really, really, REALLY good friend?
You're walking down the hallway in your apartment when the guy next door steps out and hands you a small bag with white stuff in it. Do you:
1.) Tell him he didn't have to return the cup of sugar he borrowed?
2.) Express surprise: “Wow! Four loads of laundry and you still have some of the detergent I gave you!”?
3.) Throw it back in his face, yelling “Listen, freak, for the last time, I don't wanna see your dandruff collection!”?
4.) Warn him there better not be any baking soda in the blow this time?
Answers to the Five-Minute Mystery
1. Price – the other four wore single digit numbers for the team they are identified with
2. Brown – the other four played more than 13 games for the Canadiens
3. Harvey – the other four are still alive
4. Carlyle – he's the only one to have coached a Stanley Cup team – and been fired at the NHL level
5. Flynn – the other four have surnames with more than five letters
1. Price – the other four wore single digit numbers for the team they are identified with
2. Brown – the other four played more than 13 games for the Canadiens
3. Harvey – the other four are still alive
4. Carlyle – he's the only one to have coached a Stanley Cup team – and been fired at the NHL level
5. Flynn – the other four have surnames with more than five letters
It's time for a looney-ante trade
(May 20, 2015)
Just as I feared there's been no respite from fantastical trade proposals littering these pages:
-- Parenteau, Tinordi, Fucale and a third round pick for Taylor Hall;
-- Plekanec, Markov, Eller, Malhotra, and a first class prick for Claude Giroux;
-- Smith-Pelly, Mitchell, Flynn and Gilbert for Gallagher (that one didn't make sense at any level; four players for Gallagher?)
-- Galchenyuk, Beaulieu, Pacioretty, Price for ... enough's enough! These trades will never come pass, so why even conjure them?
But here's the thing, even if they were to happen, by whatever miracle, they could never work as well as the people proposing them hope they might.
That's the kicker. Hope they might.
Because you could land the biggest superstar out there in a blockbuster deal -- should, you know, Milbury get rehired -- and wind up with a centre who has a bum knee or suddenly loses his scoring touch.
Or a Norris-winning defenceman who can no longer make the pivot, or begins firing tape-to-tape passes -- to the other team.
And where are you then? All that wheeling-dealing gone for naught.
It's a crapshoot, really.
It doesn't have to be.
You could improve your team 100 per cent GUARANTEED if you offered up the right commodity:
Souls.
We all know who the buyer is, and in the history of mankind, whenever he hasn't been outbid by the Big Guy, has he ever welched on a deal or failed to live up to its terms?
Nope, Beelzebub is true to his word. It's money in the bank. (Which he's been known to do often.)
You know what you're getting when you shake hands with the devil. He always, ALWAYS comes through.
Just ask Jeremy Jacobs, Ann Coulter, Bill Belichick, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, Stephen Harper. Every one of them got what they wanted.
(And in Kardashian's case, a bit more, in hindsight.)
Now, as you can see, the devil drives a hard bargain. He doesn't overpay. If your soul is only worth a Top Ten tune, don't expect a timeless symphony in return.
Dan Brown tried to get more than he deserved, until good ole Meph' set him straight, saying the best he could offer was a bestseller, not a literary masterpiece.
Brown, you see, overrated what his soul could fetch on the marketplace.
(And, yes, folks there is a marketplace. Satan holds sway, for sure, but there are others out there who swoop up their share of souls. Big business, for one. The film industry's another. But they're peanuts to the Prince of Darkness.)
Anyway, say you're Marc Bergevin, like you've been saying for the last 200 posts, and the Tempter comes calling, saying he's ready to swap, what do you do?
Do you play it low-key and settle for a minor deal, and offer Flynn's soul for a better power play?
Or do you raise the stakes and sign over Eller's to get yourself a berth in the Eastern Conference final again? Or Pacioretty's to make it to the championship?
What's that, you want the Stanley Cup and where do I sign on the dotted line to make it happen, I'll have my soul dry cleaned and pressed by Tuesday?
Sorry, pal, not gonna happen. The Evil One would laugh in your face, with that Evil Laugh of his, of course.
You're small potatoes. Your soul would be lucky to net the Canadiens a first period goal.
Nope, a Stanley Cup has a higher price tag. No, not Price. But close. Desharnais
YES, Desharnais. The guy is so sweet, so lovable, so gosh darn nice, his character still has that newborn innocent smell.
And DD's got pluck. Beelz' hates pluck. Absolutely loathes it. He'd grant the team anything just to snuff it out.
Yeah, Desharnais' skills as a hockey player might not get the Habs much if they were to trade him the conventional way but his soul, man, that's got 25th Cup written all over it, maybe a 26th as well, the guy's so decent.
Do it, MB.
(You might want to run this by the NHL Players' Association first. They traded in their soul a long time ago – remember Alan Eagleson -- so they can help you with the fine print.
And if you have your wits about you, you might be able to slip in a loophole when Belial's not looking, so Desharnais' soul doesn't have to spend eternity in Hell. Let someone else bring Irving Grundman up to date on Hab news.)
(May 20, 2015)
Just as I feared there's been no respite from fantastical trade proposals littering these pages:
-- Parenteau, Tinordi, Fucale and a third round pick for Taylor Hall;
-- Plekanec, Markov, Eller, Malhotra, and a first class prick for Claude Giroux;
-- Smith-Pelly, Mitchell, Flynn and Gilbert for Gallagher (that one didn't make sense at any level; four players for Gallagher?)
-- Galchenyuk, Beaulieu, Pacioretty, Price for ... enough's enough! These trades will never come pass, so why even conjure them?
But here's the thing, even if they were to happen, by whatever miracle, they could never work as well as the people proposing them hope they might.
That's the kicker. Hope they might.
Because you could land the biggest superstar out there in a blockbuster deal -- should, you know, Milbury get rehired -- and wind up with a centre who has a bum knee or suddenly loses his scoring touch.
Or a Norris-winning defenceman who can no longer make the pivot, or begins firing tape-to-tape passes -- to the other team.
And where are you then? All that wheeling-dealing gone for naught.
It's a crapshoot, really.
It doesn't have to be.
You could improve your team 100 per cent GUARANTEED if you offered up the right commodity:
Souls.
We all know who the buyer is, and in the history of mankind, whenever he hasn't been outbid by the Big Guy, has he ever welched on a deal or failed to live up to its terms?
Nope, Beelzebub is true to his word. It's money in the bank. (Which he's been known to do often.)
You know what you're getting when you shake hands with the devil. He always, ALWAYS comes through.
Just ask Jeremy Jacobs, Ann Coulter, Bill Belichick, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, Stephen Harper. Every one of them got what they wanted.
(And in Kardashian's case, a bit more, in hindsight.)
Now, as you can see, the devil drives a hard bargain. He doesn't overpay. If your soul is only worth a Top Ten tune, don't expect a timeless symphony in return.
Dan Brown tried to get more than he deserved, until good ole Meph' set him straight, saying the best he could offer was a bestseller, not a literary masterpiece.
Brown, you see, overrated what his soul could fetch on the marketplace.
(And, yes, folks there is a marketplace. Satan holds sway, for sure, but there are others out there who swoop up their share of souls. Big business, for one. The film industry's another. But they're peanuts to the Prince of Darkness.)
Anyway, say you're Marc Bergevin, like you've been saying for the last 200 posts, and the Tempter comes calling, saying he's ready to swap, what do you do?
Do you play it low-key and settle for a minor deal, and offer Flynn's soul for a better power play?
Or do you raise the stakes and sign over Eller's to get yourself a berth in the Eastern Conference final again? Or Pacioretty's to make it to the championship?
What's that, you want the Stanley Cup and where do I sign on the dotted line to make it happen, I'll have my soul dry cleaned and pressed by Tuesday?
Sorry, pal, not gonna happen. The Evil One would laugh in your face, with that Evil Laugh of his, of course.
You're small potatoes. Your soul would be lucky to net the Canadiens a first period goal.
Nope, a Stanley Cup has a higher price tag. No, not Price. But close. Desharnais
YES, Desharnais. The guy is so sweet, so lovable, so gosh darn nice, his character still has that newborn innocent smell.
And DD's got pluck. Beelz' hates pluck. Absolutely loathes it. He'd grant the team anything just to snuff it out.
Yeah, Desharnais' skills as a hockey player might not get the Habs much if they were to trade him the conventional way but his soul, man, that's got 25th Cup written all over it, maybe a 26th as well, the guy's so decent.
Do it, MB.
(You might want to run this by the NHL Players' Association first. They traded in their soul a long time ago – remember Alan Eagleson -- so they can help you with the fine print.
And if you have your wits about you, you might be able to slip in a loophole when Belial's not looking, so Desharnais' soul doesn't have to spend eternity in Hell. Let someone else bring Irving Grundman up to date on Hab news.)
Who loves ya, baby? Boohoo! No one!
(April 30, 2015)
Bergevin gets all the love and MT is lucky if he gets a limp thumbs up — and is just as likely to get a solid thumbs down.
Why is that? Why can’t this teddy bear of a coach get the love and admiration he deserves?
I know, I know, his job is to win, not to curry favour, press and fans be damned. Still, it would be nice as a Hab fan to be able to love the players AND the coach. It would make the experience of supporting the team so much more enjoyable.
Therrien could go a long way to winning over the commentariat if he tweaked his behaviour just a little bit by
— doing a little Bergie boogie every time the team scores
— wearing a Gallagher grin the entire game just to drive the other team batty
— high fiving the players as they come off the ice
— winking after he answers each reporter’s question
— putting on Mickey Mouse ears whenever the team gets a penalty
— blowing kisses to the crowd every time the team wins on the road
— blowing bubbles while play goes on
— playing Pictionary with the players after calling a time out
— cutting pages out of the rule book in a very demonstrative manner after another foul against a Hab goes unmarked
— shoving a whipped cream pie in the face of a Hab being interviewed during an intermission
— holding a puppy in his arms and continually petting it while the game’s in progress (he switches it up for the second period and pets a kitten)
— tossing autographed pucks into the crowd, with a $5 off pizza coupon attached
— learning several other languages to grow the sport in other countries
-- posing for selfies with fans seated behind the players bench
— breastfeeding one of the players’ babies during the game
(April 30, 2015)
Bergevin gets all the love and MT is lucky if he gets a limp thumbs up — and is just as likely to get a solid thumbs down.
Why is that? Why can’t this teddy bear of a coach get the love and admiration he deserves?
I know, I know, his job is to win, not to curry favour, press and fans be damned. Still, it would be nice as a Hab fan to be able to love the players AND the coach. It would make the experience of supporting the team so much more enjoyable.
Therrien could go a long way to winning over the commentariat if he tweaked his behaviour just a little bit by
— doing a little Bergie boogie every time the team scores
— wearing a Gallagher grin the entire game just to drive the other team batty
— high fiving the players as they come off the ice
— winking after he answers each reporter’s question
— putting on Mickey Mouse ears whenever the team gets a penalty
— blowing kisses to the crowd every time the team wins on the road
— blowing bubbles while play goes on
— playing Pictionary with the players after calling a time out
— cutting pages out of the rule book in a very demonstrative manner after another foul against a Hab goes unmarked
— shoving a whipped cream pie in the face of a Hab being interviewed during an intermission
— holding a puppy in his arms and continually petting it while the game’s in progress (he switches it up for the second period and pets a kitten)
— tossing autographed pucks into the crowd, with a $5 off pizza coupon attached
— learning several other languages to grow the sport in other countries
-- posing for selfies with fans seated behind the players bench
— breastfeeding one of the players’ babies during the game
Elevate, not denigrate, your foe
(April 18, 2015)
I see reference is again being made to the Senators as turds. Please stop, it diminishes the Habs' accomplishment.
Defeat a turd? Whoop-de-doo!
Is this the stuff of which legends are made? I thought it was slaying giants, dragons, ogres and other fearful creatures.
But turds?
Keep calling them that and the Canadiens are reduced to being sanitary engineers, albeit effective ones.
I know a team has to have plumbers but still ...we're giving those guys way too much credit for a win if Hab fans continue to refer to the Senators as turds.
I prefer to think of Ottawa as Darth Vader, or the Borg, or Sauron, or Voldemort or Bluto.
The taste of victory is all the sweeter when foes such as these are vanquished.
Not so much with turds.
(April 18, 2015)
I see reference is again being made to the Senators as turds. Please stop, it diminishes the Habs' accomplishment.
Defeat a turd? Whoop-de-doo!
Is this the stuff of which legends are made? I thought it was slaying giants, dragons, ogres and other fearful creatures.
But turds?
Keep calling them that and the Canadiens are reduced to being sanitary engineers, albeit effective ones.
I know a team has to have plumbers but still ...we're giving those guys way too much credit for a win if Hab fans continue to refer to the Senators as turds.
I prefer to think of Ottawa as Darth Vader, or the Borg, or Sauron, or Voldemort or Bluto.
The taste of victory is all the sweeter when foes such as these are vanquished.
Not so much with turds.
From the vault
Remember when the Habs were looking for a GM?
(April 22, 2012)
Way too much value is being placed on the next Canadiens’ GM being a hockey man. To restrict the search to those individuals is to think small. History is filled with men who made their a mark in areas outside their original fields of endeavour:
– a patent clerk who revolutionized physics
– a mediocre painter who oversaw Germany’s territorial expansion
– a math tutor who wrote a classic fantasy novel
– an influential editor who got Italy’s trains to run on time
– a naval officer who helped put the first man on the moon
– a third-rate actor who was elected president of the United States
– a seminary student who turned his country into a world power
– a bank clerk who became one of the 20th century’s greatest poets
– a carpenter who gained fame as a highly efficient winemaker
As you can see, there’s sufficient evidence that the Canadiens should look well beyond the old – and young – boys network and begin plumbing the ranks of, well, plumbers, for one, in search of their next general manager. He could be a crossing guard, waiter, accountant, dentist, HIO member.
Okay, that last one’s bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.
Remember when the Habs were looking for a GM?
(April 22, 2012)
Way too much value is being placed on the next Canadiens’ GM being a hockey man. To restrict the search to those individuals is to think small. History is filled with men who made their a mark in areas outside their original fields of endeavour:
– a patent clerk who revolutionized physics
– a mediocre painter who oversaw Germany’s territorial expansion
– a math tutor who wrote a classic fantasy novel
– an influential editor who got Italy’s trains to run on time
– a naval officer who helped put the first man on the moon
– a third-rate actor who was elected president of the United States
– a seminary student who turned his country into a world power
– a bank clerk who became one of the 20th century’s greatest poets
– a carpenter who gained fame as a highly efficient winemaker
As you can see, there’s sufficient evidence that the Canadiens should look well beyond the old – and young – boys network and begin plumbing the ranks of, well, plumbers, for one, in search of their next general manager. He could be a crossing guard, waiter, accountant, dentist, HIO member.
Okay, that last one’s bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.
From the Vault: Death is a Bummer
(January 28, 2012)
Another installment of Lou Shrapnel, PI.
Part One
I surprised myself by not whipping out my heater when he slid into the car seat without so much as an invitation. When it comes to bumper cars, I bump alone.
Besides, two’s a crowd in my book, and I don’t like crowds. Humanity when it comes right down to it.
I took my hand off the wheel, clutched his throat and gave him the gears. Nothin’. He was used to abuse. Didn’t flinch, didn’t cower, didn’t beg for his life. Not like me when ex-wife No. 3 stopped in last week demanding her alimony.
I raised my fedora to get a better look at his face. It looked familiar. Then it hit me. I started humming Ole, Ole, Ole. Pain flickered across his eyes. It was him! Scott Gomez was my passenger. Now I knew how the Canadiens felt.
I felt sorry for the guy. Yeah, I did. Honest. Sure, I’m a hard-nosed dick, but not a dick, if you know what I mean. I could see the G-Man was beginning to feel the heat in Montreal.
I let him take the wheel. He needed to have some fun, and slamming into cars has always been my favourite way to relax. Until the cops took my licence away so every Thursday, it’s bump and grind at Mel’s Midway.
We went around several times smashing into other cars. Gomez seemed to be enjoying it but me, I was getting exasperated. We kept veering to the left. The ride couldn’t end soon enough, and when it did I took Gomez over to the fast food stands and bought ourselves some poutine (or should I say poo-tine, cuz the curds sure tasted like something else).
By now Gomez had loosened up and was ready to talk.
“Mr. Shrapnel –“
“Call me Lou, son.”
“Louson, I need your help. My scoring touch has been stolen.”
Part Two
“Don’t you mean lost, Mr. Gomez. You lost your scoring touch.”
“No, no, no. Stolen. There’s no way a forward can go a whole year and not score without some funny business behind it all. And I think my employer knows who did it but doesn’t want to do anything to rock the boat. The Canadiens have a reputation to maintain.”
“Yeah, they’re doin’ a swell job of it this year. Okay, why do you want MY help to find out who stole your scoring touch? I don’t investigate petty thefts.”
“Is that right? Well, the fans are accusing me of grand larceny because of my contract and I need to clear my name. I was told you were the man who could do it but it sounds like they were wrong.”
“Take it easy, son! No need for the face wash. I’ll do it, because I don’t like injustices, no matter how small. And I never turn down a $250,000 retainer. Plus expenses. Okay, who’s your suspect.”
“If I knew, I wouldn’t be paying you $250,000. I just have this feeling it had to be an inside job.”
For the next hour I pumped him for information until I figured I had enough clues to work with to solve this “crime.” Told him I’d meet him in an hour after I made a few inquiries, did some background checks, and Googled like crazy.
Gomez was right. It was an inside job.
Part Three
We met at Hurley’s like we planned. Before I said anything, I made him hand over the five duffel bags of cash he owed for my services and bought a round of the pub’s best stout. I handed the waitress a duffel bag and she surprised me by handing half of it back. They must have had a special on.
“Mr. Gomez, your instincts were correct. Someone with the Canadiens — one of your own teammates — lifted your scoring touch, someone not known for soft hands, which this job obviously required to pull off.
“I knew it! David Desharnais, right? That little weasel. I knew he’d do anything to take my spot. When I get my hands on him…”
“Calm down, Mr. Gomez. It wasn’t DD. It was … Travis Moen. Listen, the guy has scored double digits just once in his career, 11, but that was way back in 2005-06 with Anaheim. He’s a plugger. It’s been six seasons of eight goals or fewer since then. The year after he got 11, he got three. But this season, he has nine already and is on pace to finish with 15. Fifteen! Do you think dryland training, yoga and a change in diet are responsible for that? Nope. Moen’s your man. I don’t knows how he did but I knows he did it – to paraphrase Rocky from the Bugs Bunny movies. Well, you gonna confront Moen, rough him up a bit, smack him around, teach him a lesson?”
(Pause)
“Moen, eh? Six-foot-two Moen? Not five-foot-seven Desharnais? You’re sure now? Okay, Moen, that’s it! No more Mr. Nice Guy. From now on it’s Mr. Snippy!
(January 28, 2012)
Another installment of Lou Shrapnel, PI.
Part One
I surprised myself by not whipping out my heater when he slid into the car seat without so much as an invitation. When it comes to bumper cars, I bump alone.
Besides, two’s a crowd in my book, and I don’t like crowds. Humanity when it comes right down to it.
I took my hand off the wheel, clutched his throat and gave him the gears. Nothin’. He was used to abuse. Didn’t flinch, didn’t cower, didn’t beg for his life. Not like me when ex-wife No. 3 stopped in last week demanding her alimony.
I raised my fedora to get a better look at his face. It looked familiar. Then it hit me. I started humming Ole, Ole, Ole. Pain flickered across his eyes. It was him! Scott Gomez was my passenger. Now I knew how the Canadiens felt.
I felt sorry for the guy. Yeah, I did. Honest. Sure, I’m a hard-nosed dick, but not a dick, if you know what I mean. I could see the G-Man was beginning to feel the heat in Montreal.
I let him take the wheel. He needed to have some fun, and slamming into cars has always been my favourite way to relax. Until the cops took my licence away so every Thursday, it’s bump and grind at Mel’s Midway.
We went around several times smashing into other cars. Gomez seemed to be enjoying it but me, I was getting exasperated. We kept veering to the left. The ride couldn’t end soon enough, and when it did I took Gomez over to the fast food stands and bought ourselves some poutine (or should I say poo-tine, cuz the curds sure tasted like something else).
By now Gomez had loosened up and was ready to talk.
“Mr. Shrapnel –“
“Call me Lou, son.”
“Louson, I need your help. My scoring touch has been stolen.”
Part Two
“Don’t you mean lost, Mr. Gomez. You lost your scoring touch.”
“No, no, no. Stolen. There’s no way a forward can go a whole year and not score without some funny business behind it all. And I think my employer knows who did it but doesn’t want to do anything to rock the boat. The Canadiens have a reputation to maintain.”
“Yeah, they’re doin’ a swell job of it this year. Okay, why do you want MY help to find out who stole your scoring touch? I don’t investigate petty thefts.”
“Is that right? Well, the fans are accusing me of grand larceny because of my contract and I need to clear my name. I was told you were the man who could do it but it sounds like they were wrong.”
“Take it easy, son! No need for the face wash. I’ll do it, because I don’t like injustices, no matter how small. And I never turn down a $250,000 retainer. Plus expenses. Okay, who’s your suspect.”
“If I knew, I wouldn’t be paying you $250,000. I just have this feeling it had to be an inside job.”
For the next hour I pumped him for information until I figured I had enough clues to work with to solve this “crime.” Told him I’d meet him in an hour after I made a few inquiries, did some background checks, and Googled like crazy.
Gomez was right. It was an inside job.
Part Three
We met at Hurley’s like we planned. Before I said anything, I made him hand over the five duffel bags of cash he owed for my services and bought a round of the pub’s best stout. I handed the waitress a duffel bag and she surprised me by handing half of it back. They must have had a special on.
“Mr. Gomez, your instincts were correct. Someone with the Canadiens — one of your own teammates — lifted your scoring touch, someone not known for soft hands, which this job obviously required to pull off.
“I knew it! David Desharnais, right? That little weasel. I knew he’d do anything to take my spot. When I get my hands on him…”
“Calm down, Mr. Gomez. It wasn’t DD. It was … Travis Moen. Listen, the guy has scored double digits just once in his career, 11, but that was way back in 2005-06 with Anaheim. He’s a plugger. It’s been six seasons of eight goals or fewer since then. The year after he got 11, he got three. But this season, he has nine already and is on pace to finish with 15. Fifteen! Do you think dryland training, yoga and a change in diet are responsible for that? Nope. Moen’s your man. I don’t knows how he did but I knows he did it – to paraphrase Rocky from the Bugs Bunny movies. Well, you gonna confront Moen, rough him up a bit, smack him around, teach him a lesson?”
(Pause)
“Moen, eh? Six-foot-two Moen? Not five-foot-seven Desharnais? You’re sure now? Okay, Moen, that’s it! No more Mr. Nice Guy. From now on it’s Mr. Snippy!
Elixir will elevate Bournival's game
(Feb. 24, 2015)
Hi, my name is Michaël Bournival and I play for the Montreal Canadiens. I don't score too often, just twice this season, but that's about to change, starting tonight against the Toronto Maple Leafs.
How? Well, I've been criticized for not having a very good shot, and I'll be honest with you, the critics were right. I don't have a good shot – wrist, slap, snap, backhand.
Correction: didn't. Now I do since I started drinking CannonAde, a special beverage guaranteed to give shots that special oomph.
I tried it in practice yesterday and I couldn't believe the sound my shots made when they hit the boards. Teammates said it sounded just like heavy artillery fire. They used to laugh when I wound up to take a shot but now they get out the way when I do.
So here's to CannonAde, “The drink for the rink that makes all goalies blink.”
(Feb. 24, 2015)
Hi, my name is Michaël Bournival and I play for the Montreal Canadiens. I don't score too often, just twice this season, but that's about to change, starting tonight against the Toronto Maple Leafs.
How? Well, I've been criticized for not having a very good shot, and I'll be honest with you, the critics were right. I don't have a good shot – wrist, slap, snap, backhand.
Correction: didn't. Now I do since I started drinking CannonAde, a special beverage guaranteed to give shots that special oomph.
I tried it in practice yesterday and I couldn't believe the sound my shots made when they hit the boards. Teammates said it sounded just like heavy artillery fire. They used to laugh when I wound up to take a shot but now they get out the way when I do.
So here's to CannonAde, “The drink for the rink that makes all goalies blink.”
Therrien: You be the judge
(Feb. 24, 2015)
So exactly what kind of a head coach is MT?
1.) dunderhead (his mishandling of players, in-game maneuvers)
2.) figurehead (goalie coach Stephane Waite deserves all the credit for creating a superstar in Carey Price, the real reason why Montreal is in first place)
3.) arrowhead (question his moves all you want but do they have a point)
4.) blockhead (his mishandling of ... hey, now you're just piling on!)
5.) knucklehead (man, you guys are tough!)
6.) jughead (okay, forget it, I'm sorry I even started this)
Veterans go to bat to keep Eller on the team
(Feb. 14, 2015)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens are no longer shopping Lars Eller after three veteran players met with general manager Marc Bergevin to insist that he not be traded.
The trio – Andre Markov, Tomas Plekanec and Max Pacioretty – made a passionate plea for the Habs to keep the struggling centre because, as one player put it, he's “the glue that holds the team together,” said a source who requested anonymity.
“He fills the void in the dressing room that was created when Scott Gomez was let go,” he said. “The guy is a fantastic teammate who keeps the others loose with pranks, comic monologues, token gifts after victories, and weekly dinner gatherings.”
The normally taciturn Markov spoke glowingly of Eller's contributions to the Canadiens and even made a pun, saying "the kid breaks me up, he's hi-Larry-ous,” according to the source.
He said it's unfortunate that Eller also resembles Gomez in his on-ice performance in that he has failed to lived up to the expectations of many, including coach Michel Therrien.
But there might be a deeper reason why Eller gets so little time on the power play, despite having done well when afforded the opportunity, and is given so many linemates that it's been hard for him to develop chemistry with any of them for very long.
“Eller does spot-on impressions of movie stars, pop singers, politicians – and coach Therrien,” the source said. “In fact he was doing one of Therrien after a practice that had his teammates cracking up when Therrien walked into the room. Therrien didn't say anything but the next game Eller was on a line with Michael Bournival and Manny Malhotra.”
The source said Eller is also a victim of the National Hockey League's obsession with plus/minus statistics in assigning a player's value to his team.
“A player could be a minus on the score sheet, which documents only tangibles, but a plus in the dressing room, where intangibles can mean so much in keeping a team closely knit,” he said. “Another thing, those stats should take into account the scoring chances a player creates, to give some balance to the overall picture. Think about it, a player sets up another in the slot forcing the goalie to make a fantastic save and then he gets a minus when the defenceman mishandles the puck at the blue line and the other team scores on a breakaway.”
The delegation even quoted Eller's favourite Danish philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard, to make their point the centre's worth to the team is being downgraded by the coach's preconceived notions: “Once you label me you negate me.”
Asked why PK Subban wasn't with the three other alternate captains when they met with Bergevin, the source said Plekanec “wasn't keen on engaging in horseplay going into the meeting.”
(Feb. 14, 2015)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens are no longer shopping Lars Eller after three veteran players met with general manager Marc Bergevin to insist that he not be traded.
The trio – Andre Markov, Tomas Plekanec and Max Pacioretty – made a passionate plea for the Habs to keep the struggling centre because, as one player put it, he's “the glue that holds the team together,” said a source who requested anonymity.
“He fills the void in the dressing room that was created when Scott Gomez was let go,” he said. “The guy is a fantastic teammate who keeps the others loose with pranks, comic monologues, token gifts after victories, and weekly dinner gatherings.”
The normally taciturn Markov spoke glowingly of Eller's contributions to the Canadiens and even made a pun, saying "the kid breaks me up, he's hi-Larry-ous,” according to the source.
He said it's unfortunate that Eller also resembles Gomez in his on-ice performance in that he has failed to lived up to the expectations of many, including coach Michel Therrien.
But there might be a deeper reason why Eller gets so little time on the power play, despite having done well when afforded the opportunity, and is given so many linemates that it's been hard for him to develop chemistry with any of them for very long.
“Eller does spot-on impressions of movie stars, pop singers, politicians – and coach Therrien,” the source said. “In fact he was doing one of Therrien after a practice that had his teammates cracking up when Therrien walked into the room. Therrien didn't say anything but the next game Eller was on a line with Michael Bournival and Manny Malhotra.”
The source said Eller is also a victim of the National Hockey League's obsession with plus/minus statistics in assigning a player's value to his team.
“A player could be a minus on the score sheet, which documents only tangibles, but a plus in the dressing room, where intangibles can mean so much in keeping a team closely knit,” he said. “Another thing, those stats should take into account the scoring chances a player creates, to give some balance to the overall picture. Think about it, a player sets up another in the slot forcing the goalie to make a fantastic save and then he gets a minus when the defenceman mishandles the puck at the blue line and the other team scores on a breakaway.”
The delegation even quoted Eller's favourite Danish philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard, to make their point the centre's worth to the team is being downgraded by the coach's preconceived notions: “Once you label me you negate me.”
Asked why PK Subban wasn't with the three other alternate captains when they met with Bergevin, the source said Plekanec “wasn't keen on engaging in horseplay going into the meeting.”
Canadiens set to open training camps for refs
(Feb. 19, 2015)
Montreal – Convinced the National Hockey League has no interest in grooming competent officials, the Montreal Canadiens have announced the team will be setting up camps across Canada this summer to train the next generation of referees.
“It's a long-term plan to help the youth of the nation who have chosen to make refereeing a career,” team owner Geoff Molson said. “We want them to be good at it.”
Molson said “it's too late” to help the current crop of officials become better, “even if they were so inclined,” which makes it all the more important that the ones coming to take their place -- “the sooner the better” -- “know their stuff and are able to step in right away.”
The idea of holding annual training camps for young people in their early to late teens who referee minor hockey games began taking shape last season, Molson said, when his team was “repeatedly disadvantaged by phantom penalties and missed calls.”
It became clear, he said, that professional standards weren't being met and that the league was making no effort to address the situation.
“They have a fellow in charge of the referees, Steve Walkom, the director of officiating, who is even less equipped for the job than his predecessors,” Molson said. “The zebras are getting worse under him. He should be called the director of vitiating, because he sure knows how to ruin something that wasn't great to begin with, and make it even less effective.”
After last year's playoffs, the Canadiens began to make plans in earnest to have two dozen referee camps in place by 2015 and another dozen the year after.
The Canadiens will employ a panel of ex-NHL'ers more noted for scoring and clean play than fights and penalty minutes to decide who among the camp's applicants will be invited to attend.
An applicant's IQ (Integrity Quotient) will be key among all the factors considered.
The instructors will be “reformed” retired NHL referees.
“They couldn't live with their guilty consciences any longer,” Molson said. “As one veteran said, 'I want to atone for my past sins.'”
There will be no registration fees and all attendee costs will be born by the team.
Molson dismissed accusations the team was trying to create a field of candidates for hire who, should they get jobs as NHL referees, will be predisposed to favouring their mentor, the Canadiens, in enforcing the rules.
“We have a serious situation with the state of officiating in our game that can't be allowed to continue any longer, not if we want to see the sport grow, and hold onto the fans it has,” Molson said. “Somebody had to step up at the plate and I didn't see anyone at the league level doing it.”
Molson said he isn't worried his bold assertions will invite a fine or other punishment from NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.
“I think I can mount a pretty strong defence,” he said. “I've got three hours of video of poor reffing from the start of the season to back my statements.
"And the other teams said they'd send compilations from their games, if I needed more."
(Feb. 19, 2015)
Montreal – Convinced the National Hockey League has no interest in grooming competent officials, the Montreal Canadiens have announced the team will be setting up camps across Canada this summer to train the next generation of referees.
“It's a long-term plan to help the youth of the nation who have chosen to make refereeing a career,” team owner Geoff Molson said. “We want them to be good at it.”
Molson said “it's too late” to help the current crop of officials become better, “even if they were so inclined,” which makes it all the more important that the ones coming to take their place -- “the sooner the better” -- “know their stuff and are able to step in right away.”
The idea of holding annual training camps for young people in their early to late teens who referee minor hockey games began taking shape last season, Molson said, when his team was “repeatedly disadvantaged by phantom penalties and missed calls.”
It became clear, he said, that professional standards weren't being met and that the league was making no effort to address the situation.
“They have a fellow in charge of the referees, Steve Walkom, the director of officiating, who is even less equipped for the job than his predecessors,” Molson said. “The zebras are getting worse under him. He should be called the director of vitiating, because he sure knows how to ruin something that wasn't great to begin with, and make it even less effective.”
After last year's playoffs, the Canadiens began to make plans in earnest to have two dozen referee camps in place by 2015 and another dozen the year after.
The Canadiens will employ a panel of ex-NHL'ers more noted for scoring and clean play than fights and penalty minutes to decide who among the camp's applicants will be invited to attend.
An applicant's IQ (Integrity Quotient) will be key among all the factors considered.
The instructors will be “reformed” retired NHL referees.
“They couldn't live with their guilty consciences any longer,” Molson said. “As one veteran said, 'I want to atone for my past sins.'”
There will be no registration fees and all attendee costs will be born by the team.
Molson dismissed accusations the team was trying to create a field of candidates for hire who, should they get jobs as NHL referees, will be predisposed to favouring their mentor, the Canadiens, in enforcing the rules.
“We have a serious situation with the state of officiating in our game that can't be allowed to continue any longer, not if we want to see the sport grow, and hold onto the fans it has,” Molson said. “Somebody had to step up at the plate and I didn't see anyone at the league level doing it.”
Molson said he isn't worried his bold assertions will invite a fine or other punishment from NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.
“I think I can mount a pretty strong defence,” he said. “I've got three hours of video of poor reffing from the start of the season to back my statements.
"And the other teams said they'd send compilations from their games, if I needed more."
The gifts that keep ungiving
(Dec. 25, 2014)
Signs your Christmas gift(s) might have missed the mark:
— she asks if you kept the receipt
— your husband plays with the box it came in. For hours
— she begins to cry when she holds up the bustier from Pennington’s
— he uses the ties from family to escape to the apartment below
— she rewraps the present
— it turns out he isn’t into Downton Abbey as much as you are
— she gives a half-hearted smile when you say, ‘It’s a good thing I remembered to buy batteries. Otherwise, your nose would still be plugged tomorrow!”
— he sends pics of gift on Twitter hashtagged #getaloadofthis
— both kids respond ‘Omigawd, it’s a book!’ but not in the way you had hoped
— she apologizes for not waiting until after the holidays to hand you the divorce papers
— he wasn’t feigning retching to get you to smile
— she suddenly announces she’s converting to Islam
— he says ‘Oops, it looks like I opened the present for Pookums.’
— she says ‘What’s that smell?’ before finishing unwrapping the litre of perfume
— he breaks a rib laughing so hard
— the tears could be tears of joy, but that doesn’t explain the gagging noise
— Little Jimmy uses his new toy assault weapon to shoot holes in his new Ninja Turtles pajamas
— the gift cards you got add up to $10 less than the gift cards you gave him
But if not one of these signs appeared in your household this day … well, you’ve had a very merry Christmas indeed.
May your Boxing Day be a happy one!
(Dec. 25, 2014)
Signs your Christmas gift(s) might have missed the mark:
— she asks if you kept the receipt
— your husband plays with the box it came in. For hours
— she begins to cry when she holds up the bustier from Pennington’s
— he uses the ties from family to escape to the apartment below
— she rewraps the present
— it turns out he isn’t into Downton Abbey as much as you are
— she gives a half-hearted smile when you say, ‘It’s a good thing I remembered to buy batteries. Otherwise, your nose would still be plugged tomorrow!”
— he sends pics of gift on Twitter hashtagged #getaloadofthis
— both kids respond ‘Omigawd, it’s a book!’ but not in the way you had hoped
— she apologizes for not waiting until after the holidays to hand you the divorce papers
— he wasn’t feigning retching to get you to smile
— she suddenly announces she’s converting to Islam
— he says ‘Oops, it looks like I opened the present for Pookums.’
— she says ‘What’s that smell?’ before finishing unwrapping the litre of perfume
— he breaks a rib laughing so hard
— the tears could be tears of joy, but that doesn’t explain the gagging noise
— Little Jimmy uses his new toy assault weapon to shoot holes in his new Ninja Turtles pajamas
— the gift cards you got add up to $10 less than the gift cards you gave him
But if not one of these signs appeared in your household this day … well, you’ve had a very merry Christmas indeed.
May your Boxing Day be a happy one!
Letters to St. Nick
(Dec. 24, 2014)
Dear Santa,
I haven't a clue. Please deliver several. ASAP.
If out of stock, a win will do. For now.
Kevin Lowe
Dear Santa,
Sure could use some respect. In short supply around here.
Prefer immense but will settle for grudging.
Hugs and kisses,
Michel Therrien
Dear Santa,
My friends tell me there's this thing called consistency.
They say it will do wonders for my career but it sounds kinda boring to me.
But, hey, what the heck, I'm willing to give it a shot. With your help.
Rene Bourque
(Will I need batteries?)
Santa,
Lissen you fat [%&$*%] if you don't bring me a present this year you mite find yourself short a raindeer or too on Boston Day. I here theyre good to eat.
And the antlars Im told make a reel good afrodeesiak.
Not that I need any.
Loosh
Dear Mr. Santa,
Once again I must inform you, as our lawyers have done every year for the past 50 years, that you are NOT to leave any gifts to children that bear the logo of the National Hockey League or any of its teams without having paid a licensing fee in advance. Our records show that, as of Dec. 26, 2013, you and your co-defendants in the lawsuit we have filed, the crew of elves who own shares in your enterprise, owe the NHL $7,592,301,116.49.
In the spirit of Christmas, and recognizing that payment in full of monies that are due is likely to take several years, we have rounded down our demand to $7,590,300,115.50, and waived the first month's interest charges.
Gary Bettman
Commissioner
National Hockey League
PS. I still have the habeas corpus suspenders you brought me when I was six, and guess what, they still fit!
Dear Santa,
You'll be glad to know, Santa, we won't be asking for a Stanley Cup this year. We get the hint. We don't deserve it. But we've really tried to be better. Honest. You can ask around. Watch Sportsnet. Visit TSN. Read the Toronto newspapers. Or do whatever it is you do to keep on top of things.
Anyways, what we're hoping for this Christmas is to keep on playing in April. Two rounds, if you can swing it. Three would be fantastic. Losing in the finals would be awesome!
Dion Phaneuf, captain, Toronto Maple Leafs
PS. We won't skimp on the shrimp this year.
Dear Santa
Me again. I've been thinking it over. Forget about the clues. I see other team execs getting by without them and still have a job so I guess I don't really need them. But I could use some wins, say, 30, 40, over the rest of the season (you'll have to check the schedule to find out how many we actually play).
I know 30, 40 wins sound like a lot but you check our recent record, we've never been greedy and, in fact, we've given away a lot over the past few seasons. It's time we had some wins given in return. Right?
Kevin L.
Dear Santa,
We regret to inform you that Rudolph passed away last night at the reindeer infirmary. Cirrhosis of the liver. Those binges every Christmas Eve finally took their toll.
Rudolph indicated in his will that he preferred to be cremated but as that direction falls short of categorical insistence you, as his employer, do have the option of having him stuffed. Please advise.
William Antebury Quibblestone III
Executor At Large
Dear Santa
My two minutes back, that's all I want, my two minutes. I don't even know why they took them away. What can you say in five lousy minutes?
Don Cherry
Dear Santa,
Quit sending me photos! The ones of you in a swimsuit are gross! I get it, you're real. Now leave me alone!
Virginia
Merry Christmas to all, and to all Happy Holidays
(Dec. 24, 2014)
Dear Santa,
I haven't a clue. Please deliver several. ASAP.
If out of stock, a win will do. For now.
Kevin Lowe
Dear Santa,
Sure could use some respect. In short supply around here.
Prefer immense but will settle for grudging.
Hugs and kisses,
Michel Therrien
Dear Santa,
My friends tell me there's this thing called consistency.
They say it will do wonders for my career but it sounds kinda boring to me.
But, hey, what the heck, I'm willing to give it a shot. With your help.
Rene Bourque
(Will I need batteries?)
Santa,
Lissen you fat [%&$*%] if you don't bring me a present this year you mite find yourself short a raindeer or too on Boston Day. I here theyre good to eat.
And the antlars Im told make a reel good afrodeesiak.
Not that I need any.
Loosh
Dear Mr. Santa,
Once again I must inform you, as our lawyers have done every year for the past 50 years, that you are NOT to leave any gifts to children that bear the logo of the National Hockey League or any of its teams without having paid a licensing fee in advance. Our records show that, as of Dec. 26, 2013, you and your co-defendants in the lawsuit we have filed, the crew of elves who own shares in your enterprise, owe the NHL $7,592,301,116.49.
In the spirit of Christmas, and recognizing that payment in full of monies that are due is likely to take several years, we have rounded down our demand to $7,590,300,115.50, and waived the first month's interest charges.
Gary Bettman
Commissioner
National Hockey League
PS. I still have the habeas corpus suspenders you brought me when I was six, and guess what, they still fit!
Dear Santa,
You'll be glad to know, Santa, we won't be asking for a Stanley Cup this year. We get the hint. We don't deserve it. But we've really tried to be better. Honest. You can ask around. Watch Sportsnet. Visit TSN. Read the Toronto newspapers. Or do whatever it is you do to keep on top of things.
Anyways, what we're hoping for this Christmas is to keep on playing in April. Two rounds, if you can swing it. Three would be fantastic. Losing in the finals would be awesome!
Dion Phaneuf, captain, Toronto Maple Leafs
PS. We won't skimp on the shrimp this year.
Dear Santa
Me again. I've been thinking it over. Forget about the clues. I see other team execs getting by without them and still have a job so I guess I don't really need them. But I could use some wins, say, 30, 40, over the rest of the season (you'll have to check the schedule to find out how many we actually play).
I know 30, 40 wins sound like a lot but you check our recent record, we've never been greedy and, in fact, we've given away a lot over the past few seasons. It's time we had some wins given in return. Right?
Kevin L.
Dear Santa,
We regret to inform you that Rudolph passed away last night at the reindeer infirmary. Cirrhosis of the liver. Those binges every Christmas Eve finally took their toll.
Rudolph indicated in his will that he preferred to be cremated but as that direction falls short of categorical insistence you, as his employer, do have the option of having him stuffed. Please advise.
William Antebury Quibblestone III
Executor At Large
Dear Santa
My two minutes back, that's all I want, my two minutes. I don't even know why they took them away. What can you say in five lousy minutes?
Don Cherry
Dear Santa,
Quit sending me photos! The ones of you in a swimsuit are gross! I get it, you're real. Now leave me alone!
Virginia
Merry Christmas to all, and to all Happy Holidays
Jean Beliveau 1931 - 2014
(Nov. 3, 2014)
Mr. Beliveau was a rare individual, an athlete who achieved mythic status by his accomplishments in sport, both individually and as a member of a team he helped lead to 10 Stanley Cups, and the quality of his character.
A true gentleman and the idol of many, Mr. Beliveau was rarer still for having no feet of clay. He set an example by the game he played, the life he lived.
No scandal was ever attached to his name, no small achievement in today’s world where the lives of the great and the not-so-great come under constant scrutiny. Little wonder, then, he was asked to be Canada’s governor-general, a role he would have performed with merit.
At the risk of making him out to be more than he was, if ever a human being deserved to be deified, certainly within the sporting world, Mr. Beliveau was that man. His bearing and grace commanded respect, and it was given without question.
Mr. Beliveau was the lion in winter to the Rocket Richard’s tiger, a fierce competitor whose eyes burned brightly. Physically more imposing than Quebec’s other hockey legend, Mr. Beliveau was a different sort of icon, held equally in awe.
Perhaps not with the same passion that the Rocket inspired in his fans, but with a reverence no less abiding.
Maybe it’s enough a trophy bearing his name, awarded annually by the Montreal Canadiens to the player who best exemplifies leadership qualities in the community, will continue his legacy but the National Hockey League would do well to honour his contributions to the sport with a lasting tribute of its own.
Mr. Beliveau was a hero whose memory will live on among those fortunate to have seen him play and others who knew him by his sterling reputation.
Those of us who grew up watching hockey in his heyday, and tried to emulate his exploits as road hockey warriors, are greatly saddened by his passing. Mr. Beliveau brought us great joy and for that we will be ever thankful.
That he continued to add to those fond memories after he retired from playing added to the lustre of his renown.
Rest in peace, Jean.
(Nov. 3, 2014)
Mr. Beliveau was a rare individual, an athlete who achieved mythic status by his accomplishments in sport, both individually and as a member of a team he helped lead to 10 Stanley Cups, and the quality of his character.
A true gentleman and the idol of many, Mr. Beliveau was rarer still for having no feet of clay. He set an example by the game he played, the life he lived.
No scandal was ever attached to his name, no small achievement in today’s world where the lives of the great and the not-so-great come under constant scrutiny. Little wonder, then, he was asked to be Canada’s governor-general, a role he would have performed with merit.
At the risk of making him out to be more than he was, if ever a human being deserved to be deified, certainly within the sporting world, Mr. Beliveau was that man. His bearing and grace commanded respect, and it was given without question.
Mr. Beliveau was the lion in winter to the Rocket Richard’s tiger, a fierce competitor whose eyes burned brightly. Physically more imposing than Quebec’s other hockey legend, Mr. Beliveau was a different sort of icon, held equally in awe.
Perhaps not with the same passion that the Rocket inspired in his fans, but with a reverence no less abiding.
Maybe it’s enough a trophy bearing his name, awarded annually by the Montreal Canadiens to the player who best exemplifies leadership qualities in the community, will continue his legacy but the National Hockey League would do well to honour his contributions to the sport with a lasting tribute of its own.
Mr. Beliveau was a hero whose memory will live on among those fortunate to have seen him play and others who knew him by his sterling reputation.
Those of us who grew up watching hockey in his heyday, and tried to emulate his exploits as road hockey warriors, are greatly saddened by his passing. Mr. Beliveau brought us great joy and for that we will be ever thankful.
That he continued to add to those fond memories after he retired from playing added to the lustre of his renown.
Rest in peace, Jean.
When it comes to fantasies
"Suffering Canadiens withdrawal? The Gazette has the answer with the ultimate fantasy experience as ..."
Whoa!
Stop right there!
“Ultimate fantasy experience”?
Sorry, fellas, this is the ultimate fantasy experience ...
MONTREAL – Jean Beliveau had a night to remember in his first NHL game in more than 40 years by scoring a hat trick to help the Montreal Canadiens defeat the Boston Bruins 10-0.
The Hall of Famer who retired in 1971 was inserted into the Canadiens’ injury-depleted lineup after a flu bug spread through the club and its farm team. Despite dressing just eleven players, Montreal carried play, outshooting the visitors 49-13, five of them coming off the stick of Patrick Roy.
Beliveau also assisted on four of Guy Lafleur’s five goals.
Alex Kovalev scored a highlight-reel goal with an amazing exhibition of stickhandling on a penalty kill, a feat all the more impressive for having done it with one hand.
Saku Koivu completed the scoring on a nifty play by Mats Naslund after Brendan Gallagher levelled Zdeno Chara, causing him to cough up the puck.
“I felt pretty good out there,” Beliveau said, minutes after hockey’s elder statesman was named the game’s first star and appointed to the Senate.
Le Gros Bill admitted "it felt strange" when he took the opening face-off after so long an absence.
“I was the only one out there with a wooden hockey stick,” he said, grinning.
The win, Montreal’s 17th in a row, guaranteed the team a playoff berth with four months still to go in the season.
The Bruins are headed in the opposite direction, having dropped five in a row.
“I saw some signs the team is turning it around,” coach Jacques Martin said, reading from his notes which documented a nine-minute stretch when Boston didn’t give up a goal. “The system is starting to kick in.”
Martin could soon be kicked out if the Bruins don’t turn it around, according to reports in the Boston media.
The Bruins haven’t played well since their owner, Jeremy Jacobs, perished a week ago in a blizzard. Police said he apparently had locked himself out of his car, slipped on some ice, suffered a concussion and then froze to death.
There was no evidence of foul play, “but plenty of irony,” one officer said.
ODDS AND ENDS: Ex-NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said he’s happy in his new role as a crossing guard. “It’s great to be making a living outdoors,” he told a reporter, whose video of Bettman trying to stop pedestrians from crossing the street has gone viral. Bettman was ousted a month ago in a coup executed by a majority of owners grown weary of having to genuflect at league meetings ... The hiring of lingerie models to escort ticket-holders to their seats is proving a great hit with fans who have adam apples. “It’s right up there with the three-dollar beers they’re now selling,” one inebriant said ... CBC has announced that it’s revamping Coach’s Corner, by dismissing Don Cherry and Ron McLean, and renaming it Bathroom Break. A roll of toilet paper will slowly unravel until it’s completely gone and it’s time for play to resume. A contest will be held for original music to play in the background. Sponsors will be offered space on each TP panel ... In celebration of the new accord between teams and players that evenly divides revenues, the two sides will contribute equally to the cash prizes for free 50/50 draws that will be offered each game, beginning next week. “It’s our way of saying thanks to the fans for being so patient,” a league spokesman said, alluding to the one-day lockout.
Leafs show leniency with jersey tosser
(Nov. 22, 2014)
Toronto -- Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment says it will ban for life any spectator who tosses a team jersey onto the ice during a hockey game.
Except the fellow who did just that on Tuesday night at the Air Canada Centre.
The organization announced it will apply “a light touch” in punishing the culprit who heaved the jersey during a 9-2 drubbing of the Leafs by the Nashville Predators.
“We're banning him for just a year,” MLSE spokesperson Dave Haggith said. “We don't want to be seen as being too harsh with a first-time offender, especially one his age. He's 90 years old -- so we're figuring it will amount to a lifetime ban anyways, without having to come out and say it.”
Even more surprising than the corporate giant's show of heart was how Johnny Bower, who played 12 years for the Leafs, managed to retrieve his jersey from the rafters. It had been hanging there for years with more than a dozen others that have been put there to honour former Leaf stars.
A contrite Bower said he regrets what he did.
“I should have burned it in front of the rink,” said the Hockey Hall of Fame goaltender. “I hurt my shoulder when I threw the sweater.”
Bower said he acted out of frustration.
“No matter where I go – supermarket, post office, beer store, euchre parties, recording studio – I have to answer the same stupid question: How come the Leafs can't win the Cup?” he said. “The first 10 years or so were bad enough, but the last 35 have just been murder. The worse part is when the young people, the ones under 50, look at me as if I'm feeble-minded when I tell them Toronto used to hold Stanley Cup parades in the spring back in the '60s.”
Bower said he won't miss attending Leaf games in person.
“I'll still watch them on TV, but the only sweater I'll be tossing is a cardigan when my blood starts to boil.”
Even in victory the Maple Leafs have a knack for offending their fans. After the team's surprising 5-2 upset of the Tampa Bay Lightning Thursday, the players chose not to salute their fans by gathering at centre ice and raising their sticks, as has been their custom. Instead they left the ice immediately.
Leaf captain Dion Phaneuf said the quick exit wasn't meant to be a snub of the team's “unbelievable fans” or “an attack” on them for having shown disgust with the team's play in recent matches – like tossing Leaf jerseys on the ice.
“This was about our team and changing up our routine,” he said. “People forget that whole business of getting together at centre ice and raising our sticks started years ago, when we were losing. More than we do now. Then, it was a case of self-defence -- circling the wagons and warding off the abuse of fans as we made our way off the ice.”
An emotional Phaneuf said “some of them were really mean,” and he reminded reporters “that's why the NHL started with Toronto when it began putting up netting around the entire ice surface – so fans wouldn't have pucks to use as ammunition when the game was over.”
The Leafs host the Detroit Red Wings tonight and Phaneuf not only guaranteed his team would win but that the players would delight the fans with the changes they have made in their victory celebrations.
Phaneuf provided few details about the new routine, except to say it involves “military formations,” bagpipes playing, the release of “victory” pigeons, and “the ritual beating of a Hab fan, so everyone goes home on a happy note.”
(Nov. 22, 2014)
Toronto -- Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment says it will ban for life any spectator who tosses a team jersey onto the ice during a hockey game.
Except the fellow who did just that on Tuesday night at the Air Canada Centre.
The organization announced it will apply “a light touch” in punishing the culprit who heaved the jersey during a 9-2 drubbing of the Leafs by the Nashville Predators.
“We're banning him for just a year,” MLSE spokesperson Dave Haggith said. “We don't want to be seen as being too harsh with a first-time offender, especially one his age. He's 90 years old -- so we're figuring it will amount to a lifetime ban anyways, without having to come out and say it.”
Even more surprising than the corporate giant's show of heart was how Johnny Bower, who played 12 years for the Leafs, managed to retrieve his jersey from the rafters. It had been hanging there for years with more than a dozen others that have been put there to honour former Leaf stars.
A contrite Bower said he regrets what he did.
“I should have burned it in front of the rink,” said the Hockey Hall of Fame goaltender. “I hurt my shoulder when I threw the sweater.”
Bower said he acted out of frustration.
“No matter where I go – supermarket, post office, beer store, euchre parties, recording studio – I have to answer the same stupid question: How come the Leafs can't win the Cup?” he said. “The first 10 years or so were bad enough, but the last 35 have just been murder. The worse part is when the young people, the ones under 50, look at me as if I'm feeble-minded when I tell them Toronto used to hold Stanley Cup parades in the spring back in the '60s.”
Bower said he won't miss attending Leaf games in person.
“I'll still watch them on TV, but the only sweater I'll be tossing is a cardigan when my blood starts to boil.”
Even in victory the Maple Leafs have a knack for offending their fans. After the team's surprising 5-2 upset of the Tampa Bay Lightning Thursday, the players chose not to salute their fans by gathering at centre ice and raising their sticks, as has been their custom. Instead they left the ice immediately.
Leaf captain Dion Phaneuf said the quick exit wasn't meant to be a snub of the team's “unbelievable fans” or “an attack” on them for having shown disgust with the team's play in recent matches – like tossing Leaf jerseys on the ice.
“This was about our team and changing up our routine,” he said. “People forget that whole business of getting together at centre ice and raising our sticks started years ago, when we were losing. More than we do now. Then, it was a case of self-defence -- circling the wagons and warding off the abuse of fans as we made our way off the ice.”
An emotional Phaneuf said “some of them were really mean,” and he reminded reporters “that's why the NHL started with Toronto when it began putting up netting around the entire ice surface – so fans wouldn't have pucks to use as ammunition when the game was over.”
The Leafs host the Detroit Red Wings tonight and Phaneuf not only guaranteed his team would win but that the players would delight the fans with the changes they have made in their victory celebrations.
Phaneuf provided few details about the new routine, except to say it involves “military formations,” bagpipes playing, the release of “victory” pigeons, and “the ritual beating of a Hab fan, so everyone goes home on a happy note.”
Gainey deja vu -- GM fires coach, takes over helm
(Nov. 20, 2014)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have fired coach Michel Therrien, even though the club sits atop the National Hockey League with 29 points.
“Tuesday's loss (4-0 to the Pittsburgh Penguins) was the last straw,” said general manager Marc Bergevin, who told reporters he will take Therrien's spot behind the bench until “a suitable replacement can be found in Quebec.”
It was only the fifth regulation loss of the season for the Canadiens, but three have been by lopsided scores (7-1, 5-0 and 4-0) against the league's elite – Tampa Bay, Chicago and Pittsburgh. Throw in a 6-2 thumping at the hands of the Calgary Flames and a 3-0 whitewash by the lowly Edmonton Oilers, and it became clear to management action was needed now before “the rot set in and we began trending down.”
Bergevin didn't deny he was bowing to pressure from a vocal minority among the team's legion of fans but he tried to put a positive spin on their relentless negativity.
“They set the standard for high expectations, for which we are grateful, and we will always try our best to achieve their lofty goals,” he said.
Pressed, he admitted “the steady drumbeat of Debbie Downerism” had begun to take its toll and was ruining his morning and evening rituals of reading Hab fan websites that provide a wealth of analysis and thoughtful suggestions that play a large part in his decision-making.
“After a while you begin to think they might have a point about MT being an albatross, but there was only one way to find out,” Bergevin said.
Therrien couldn't be reached for comment – the team was filming his last segment for the CH 24 series – but Bergevin said he took news of his firing “surprisingly well. Sure, he threw some hockey sticks at me, but they were half-hearted tosses. I think he had anticipated what was coming – he reads the websites, too – and was relieved to have the huge burden of coaching the Canadiens taken off his shoulders. Especially with a four-year contract extension in his back pocket.”
Tonight's game against the St. Louis Blues will mark the first time Bergevin, an assistant coach with the Chicago Blackhawks for three seasons, will serve as bench boss for an NHL team.
“I don't plan to hold the job for long,” he said. “I'll be interviewing candidates during the intermissions.”
Therrien's dismissal stunned the hockey world, although TSN hockey insider Darren Dreger said he “saw it coming.”
Flames president Brian Burke called the Hab fans “pukes” for “backstabbing a coach who has his team in first place.”
Toronto Maple Leafs coach Randy (“I know a lot of French cuss words”) Carlyle called about a possible job.
(Nov. 20, 2014)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have fired coach Michel Therrien, even though the club sits atop the National Hockey League with 29 points.
“Tuesday's loss (4-0 to the Pittsburgh Penguins) was the last straw,” said general manager Marc Bergevin, who told reporters he will take Therrien's spot behind the bench until “a suitable replacement can be found in Quebec.”
It was only the fifth regulation loss of the season for the Canadiens, but three have been by lopsided scores (7-1, 5-0 and 4-0) against the league's elite – Tampa Bay, Chicago and Pittsburgh. Throw in a 6-2 thumping at the hands of the Calgary Flames and a 3-0 whitewash by the lowly Edmonton Oilers, and it became clear to management action was needed now before “the rot set in and we began trending down.”
Bergevin didn't deny he was bowing to pressure from a vocal minority among the team's legion of fans but he tried to put a positive spin on their relentless negativity.
“They set the standard for high expectations, for which we are grateful, and we will always try our best to achieve their lofty goals,” he said.
Pressed, he admitted “the steady drumbeat of Debbie Downerism” had begun to take its toll and was ruining his morning and evening rituals of reading Hab fan websites that provide a wealth of analysis and thoughtful suggestions that play a large part in his decision-making.
“After a while you begin to think they might have a point about MT being an albatross, but there was only one way to find out,” Bergevin said.
Therrien couldn't be reached for comment – the team was filming his last segment for the CH 24 series – but Bergevin said he took news of his firing “surprisingly well. Sure, he threw some hockey sticks at me, but they were half-hearted tosses. I think he had anticipated what was coming – he reads the websites, too – and was relieved to have the huge burden of coaching the Canadiens taken off his shoulders. Especially with a four-year contract extension in his back pocket.”
Tonight's game against the St. Louis Blues will mark the first time Bergevin, an assistant coach with the Chicago Blackhawks for three seasons, will serve as bench boss for an NHL team.
“I don't plan to hold the job for long,” he said. “I'll be interviewing candidates during the intermissions.”
Therrien's dismissal stunned the hockey world, although TSN hockey insider Darren Dreger said he “saw it coming.”
Flames president Brian Burke called the Hab fans “pukes” for “backstabbing a coach who has his team in first place.”
Toronto Maple Leafs coach Randy (“I know a lot of French cuss words”) Carlyle called about a possible job.
New Hab tough guy not afraid to put up his dukes
(Nov. 5, 2014)
Buffalo – The Montreal Canadiens have reached deep into their farm system for a player with toughness following a three-game slide that has exposed the team's lack of a physical presence.
General manager Marc Bergevin introduced six-foot-three Marion Morrison to reporters today in Buffalo, saying the Wheeling Nailer would replace a battered Alexei Yemelin on defence when the team plays the Sabres tonight.
“We're looking for someone to keep the other team's forwards honest in our end of the ice, and Marion is the guy who can do it,” Bergevin said. “We know he'll keep the area in front of (goaltender Carey) Price clear. Marion's no poseur, he has true grit.”
“I don't like squatters,” Morrison told reporters. “Or guys who try to dry gulch one of my teammates coming out of our end.”
The Duke, as he's known, has become a legend in the East Coast Hockey League, as much for his pigeon-toed style of skating as for his skill for resolving disputes with his fists.
Morrison said he prefers to quietly go about doing his business “riding the range,” but if provoked, he won't back down.
His philosophy: “Don’t pick a fight, but if you find yourself in one I suggest you make damn sure you win. A man oughta do what he thinks is right.”
That assertiveness has resulted in his spending a lot of time in the penalty box – or “the calaboose,” as he likes to call it – but Morrison wasn't about to second-guess his style of play, which some have said has kept him in the minors and delayed his playing in the NHL until now.
“Never apologize and never explain, it’s a sign of weakness,” he said.
Morrison looked a bit bleary-eyed, fuelling speculation his reputation as a hard drinker has been honestly come by, but Bergevin said the player was feeling a bit fatigued, having just arrived at the hotel an hour earlier by stagecoach.
Morrison admitted, however, he does like to “bend an elbow,” and has his suspicions about those who don't.
“I never trust a man who doesn’t drink,” he growled.
He also speaks his mind, as more than one reporter discovered when asking a question Morrison thought was daft.
“Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid,” he sympathized.
Morrison said he was looking forward to being paired with PK Subban, “even if he is a pilgrim,” he chuckled.
(Nov. 5, 2014)
Buffalo – The Montreal Canadiens have reached deep into their farm system for a player with toughness following a three-game slide that has exposed the team's lack of a physical presence.
General manager Marc Bergevin introduced six-foot-three Marion Morrison to reporters today in Buffalo, saying the Wheeling Nailer would replace a battered Alexei Yemelin on defence when the team plays the Sabres tonight.
“We're looking for someone to keep the other team's forwards honest in our end of the ice, and Marion is the guy who can do it,” Bergevin said. “We know he'll keep the area in front of (goaltender Carey) Price clear. Marion's no poseur, he has true grit.”
“I don't like squatters,” Morrison told reporters. “Or guys who try to dry gulch one of my teammates coming out of our end.”
The Duke, as he's known, has become a legend in the East Coast Hockey League, as much for his pigeon-toed style of skating as for his skill for resolving disputes with his fists.
Morrison said he prefers to quietly go about doing his business “riding the range,” but if provoked, he won't back down.
His philosophy: “Don’t pick a fight, but if you find yourself in one I suggest you make damn sure you win. A man oughta do what he thinks is right.”
That assertiveness has resulted in his spending a lot of time in the penalty box – or “the calaboose,” as he likes to call it – but Morrison wasn't about to second-guess his style of play, which some have said has kept him in the minors and delayed his playing in the NHL until now.
“Never apologize and never explain, it’s a sign of weakness,” he said.
Morrison looked a bit bleary-eyed, fuelling speculation his reputation as a hard drinker has been honestly come by, but Bergevin said the player was feeling a bit fatigued, having just arrived at the hotel an hour earlier by stagecoach.
Morrison admitted, however, he does like to “bend an elbow,” and has his suspicions about those who don't.
“I never trust a man who doesn’t drink,” he growled.
He also speaks his mind, as more than one reporter discovered when asking a question Morrison thought was daft.
“Life is tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid,” he sympathized.
Morrison said he was looking forward to being paired with PK Subban, “even if he is a pilgrim,” he chuckled.
NEWS UPDATE! NHL fires referees, several times
(Nov. 5, 2011)
NEW YORK – The two referees who officiated tonight’s Montreal-New York game were taken out and shot, NHL director of officiating Terry Gregson announced at a hastily called press conference.
“I know it may come across as extreme but we’ve got to get the message across to referees,” Gregson said. “Read the *&$(#@^ rule book!”
Gregson warned surviving NHL referees that the league is prepared to take even harsher action if they continue to call shoddy games but he wouldn’t elaborate.
A spokesman for the NHL officials association expressed disappointment in the league’s decision to employ summary execution as a disciplinary tool.
“We’re going to file a grievance,” the spokesman said. “This appears to be in violation of our collective agreement.”
(Nov. 5, 2011)
NEW YORK – The two referees who officiated tonight’s Montreal-New York game were taken out and shot, NHL director of officiating Terry Gregson announced at a hastily called press conference.
“I know it may come across as extreme but we’ve got to get the message across to referees,” Gregson said. “Read the *&$(#@^ rule book!”
Gregson warned surviving NHL referees that the league is prepared to take even harsher action if they continue to call shoddy games but he wouldn’t elaborate.
A spokesman for the NHL officials association expressed disappointment in the league’s decision to employ summary execution as a disciplinary tool.
“We’re going to file a grievance,” the spokesman said. “This appears to be in violation of our collective agreement.”
Remember when: Lockout — Day 14
(Sept. 29, 2012)
Stayed up last night to watch a western, “Lockout at the OK Corral”. Haven’t seen it in seven years but it never gets old.
You remember how it goes: A bunch of cattle, tired of being treated like meat, pay a hired gun to stand up to the ranchers and make known their demands. Shorter drives, better grub, longer pee breaks, stick-on brands, and some R & R when they reach Abilene.
The gunslinger, Kid Fehry – “Pronounced Fury. Say it any other way, pardner, and you’ll get a bellyful of lead” – doesn’t know much about the cattle business – “What’s the difference between a steer and a bull again? One’s a rookie that wouldn’t shut up? Okay.” – but the longhorns teach him the ropings and the tinhorn proves a quick study.
Finally, he’s ready to lead the cattle against the ranchers and their Notorious Henchman Leader, the man in black known as Commish.
Kid Fehry – “It’s pronounced Fury, how many ^%$^$#$ times do I have to tell you?!!” – and his beefy pals show up at Tombstone ready to do battle.
They get to the corral and there’s a sign that reads Lockout :).
Some of the herd decide to find their own cattle drive and head out for Kansas and Missouri (pronounced Missura) but most stay behind to see this thing through.
This is where it gets really exciting.
Kid Fehry – “That’s better!” – decides it’s time for a showdown with Commish and sends word he’ll meet him in the street at 12 o’clock sharp. High noon.
Proving they’re not chicken, KF and C show up at the appointed hour, facing each other 40 feet apart, then 30, 20, 10, 5,4,3,2,1,2,3,4,5. They stop and whirl around.
Their right hands flash to their right hips and the lightning speed of Kid Fehry becomes the stuff of legend, as he whips out his pocket watch by the fob, beating Commish by a split second.
Which he could tell cuz he had a watch gripped in his hand.
Kid Fehry pulls the watch stem and begins setting a date on the Swiss-made frontier day timer.
Through clenched teeth, chapped lips and a weather-beaten toothpick, he growls: “Next Thursday, same time.”
“Two months, 2:00”
“One month, 1:30.”
“Three weeks, 1:00.”
“Two weeks, 12:30. Higher noon. Time’s a-wastin’. We’re done dealin’.”
Kid Fehry tilts his head, squints, pulls out the toothpick, flips it around and slides it back into his mouth.
Commish nods slowly, lips flaring, nostrils sneering, his eyes cowing the sun with their glare.
The two men turn on their heels with the pointy round things and head back home, bowlegged but not bowed.
I fell asleep at that point and didn’t see the last half-hour. But it’s a classic, so we all know how it ends.
[Use this pause to shake your fingers, wiggle your ears, stand up and stretch, jog on the spot for 30 seconds, bench press 240 pounds, and then return to the keyboard feeling refreshed.]
(Sept. 29, 2012)
Stayed up last night to watch a western, “Lockout at the OK Corral”. Haven’t seen it in seven years but it never gets old.
You remember how it goes: A bunch of cattle, tired of being treated like meat, pay a hired gun to stand up to the ranchers and make known their demands. Shorter drives, better grub, longer pee breaks, stick-on brands, and some R & R when they reach Abilene.
The gunslinger, Kid Fehry – “Pronounced Fury. Say it any other way, pardner, and you’ll get a bellyful of lead” – doesn’t know much about the cattle business – “What’s the difference between a steer and a bull again? One’s a rookie that wouldn’t shut up? Okay.” – but the longhorns teach him the ropings and the tinhorn proves a quick study.
Finally, he’s ready to lead the cattle against the ranchers and their Notorious Henchman Leader, the man in black known as Commish.
Kid Fehry – “It’s pronounced Fury, how many ^%$^$#$ times do I have to tell you?!!” – and his beefy pals show up at Tombstone ready to do battle.
They get to the corral and there’s a sign that reads Lockout :).
Some of the herd decide to find their own cattle drive and head out for Kansas and Missouri (pronounced Missura) but most stay behind to see this thing through.
This is where it gets really exciting.
Kid Fehry – “That’s better!” – decides it’s time for a showdown with Commish and sends word he’ll meet him in the street at 12 o’clock sharp. High noon.
Proving they’re not chicken, KF and C show up at the appointed hour, facing each other 40 feet apart, then 30, 20, 10, 5,4,3,2,1,2,3,4,5. They stop and whirl around.
Their right hands flash to their right hips and the lightning speed of Kid Fehry becomes the stuff of legend, as he whips out his pocket watch by the fob, beating Commish by a split second.
Which he could tell cuz he had a watch gripped in his hand.
Kid Fehry pulls the watch stem and begins setting a date on the Swiss-made frontier day timer.
Through clenched teeth, chapped lips and a weather-beaten toothpick, he growls: “Next Thursday, same time.”
“Two months, 2:00”
“One month, 1:30.”
“Three weeks, 1:00.”
“Two weeks, 12:30. Higher noon. Time’s a-wastin’. We’re done dealin’.”
Kid Fehry tilts his head, squints, pulls out the toothpick, flips it around and slides it back into his mouth.
Commish nods slowly, lips flaring, nostrils sneering, his eyes cowing the sun with their glare.
The two men turn on their heels with the pointy round things and head back home, bowlegged but not bowed.
I fell asleep at that point and didn’t see the last half-hour. But it’s a classic, so we all know how it ends.
[Use this pause to shake your fingers, wiggle your ears, stand up and stretch, jog on the spot for 30 seconds, bench press 240 pounds, and then return to the keyboard feeling refreshed.]
Oh yeah, the theme song for “Lockout at the OK Corral” was turned into a television series, one of my favourites. Bonus: It’s sung by the great Frankie Pure Laine (this is the English version)
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’
Raw deal!
Ha!
Ha!
We’re rollin’, rollin’, rollin’
Our money streams are swollen
Keep those doggies bawlin’: ‘Raw deal!’
Share and term and escrow
We’ll get our way we all know
Who cares how the little doggies feel.
They want us to palaver
Yeah! Over our cadaver!
We’ll talk when they sign the deal.
Hem ‘em in, lock ‘em out
Lock ‘em out, hem ‘em in
Hem ‘em in, lock ‘em out
Raw deal!
Cut ‘em out, rein ‘em in
Rein ‘em in, cut ‘em out
Cut ‘em out, rein ‘em in
Raw deeeeeeeeeal!
Ha!
Ha!
Keep these talks slow moving
Though they’re disapproving
Keep those doggies mooing:
Raw deal!
Don’t try to understand ‘em
Brains and skill not their tandem
Who cares how the little doggies feel.
Our hearts are calculating
We don’t mind all this waiting
The waiting will get ourselves a deal.
Hem ‘em in, lock ‘em out
Lock ‘em out, hem ‘em in
Hem ‘em in, lock ‘em out
Raw deal!
Count ‘em out, rein ‘em in
Rein ‘em in, count ‘em out
Count ‘em out, rein ‘em in
Raw deeeeeeeeeal!
Ha!
Raw deeeeeeeeeal!
Ha!
Raw deal!
If you've got a brain, we'll give you a voice
(June 20, 2012)
Are you afraid to speak up for fear of being put down? Do you remain silent while others fearlessly give their opinions?
Don’t let nagging doubts turn you into a milquetoast. Give Certitude™ a try and you’ll roar like a lion or bellow like a bull.
“I used to be timid about giving my views but now when the guys start talking sports, I pop a Cert in my mouth and, bingo, I’m the voice of authority,” says Harry. “They listen now because they think I know what I’m talking about.”
Recommended loudly by three out of four pundits, Certitude™ – Certs for short – contains three active ingredients: testosterone, preposterone and hubris.
“Certs changed my life,” says blogger Oswald Twillingate Powell. “I used to post stuff like ‘I’ve never had a problem with roses’ or ‘I like air’ and I was getting two hits a month, from Mom. Then I heard about Certs and now I get 2,000 replies a day – half of them calling me an idiot because of my controversial statements. I love it.”
The same thing happened to Bobcat Bill, whose website has been shut down three times by authorities. He also receives death threats on a daily basis.
“I speak my mind and some people don’t like that,” says Bill. “It wasn’t until I started using Certs that I became opinionated. Before that I was pusillanimous – and you can imagine what my nickname was. It reached the point where I never said a word in public because I was afraid I’d be laughed at or challenged. Not any more. Certs made me assertive.”
Certitude™ is no candy-assed breath mint. Its bold jalapeno flavour remains strong in the mouth for hours, ensuring strongly held views don’t lose their conviction.
Montreal Canadiens fan Hugo Wannamaker has been a diehard supporter of the team for decades but he never got involved in any of the controversies surrounding the franchise.
“Who’s going to listen to a guy from Punkeydoodle’s Corner?” Wannamaker said. “That all changed when I tried Certitude for the first time. Right away I went online and posted Halak’s better than Price, and argued for Martin and Gauthier to be fired. A few weeks ago I said hiring Therrien was idiocy IN CAP LETTERS. I’ve never done that before! Line combinations are a breeze now. Trades? Easy peasy, puddin’ and pie! Free agent signings? I’ll let you know in a second, soon as I gulp down a couple of Certs.”
Get off the fence, get Certitude™
(June 20, 2012)
Are you afraid to speak up for fear of being put down? Do you remain silent while others fearlessly give their opinions?
Don’t let nagging doubts turn you into a milquetoast. Give Certitude™ a try and you’ll roar like a lion or bellow like a bull.
“I used to be timid about giving my views but now when the guys start talking sports, I pop a Cert in my mouth and, bingo, I’m the voice of authority,” says Harry. “They listen now because they think I know what I’m talking about.”
Recommended loudly by three out of four pundits, Certitude™ – Certs for short – contains three active ingredients: testosterone, preposterone and hubris.
“Certs changed my life,” says blogger Oswald Twillingate Powell. “I used to post stuff like ‘I’ve never had a problem with roses’ or ‘I like air’ and I was getting two hits a month, from Mom. Then I heard about Certs and now I get 2,000 replies a day – half of them calling me an idiot because of my controversial statements. I love it.”
The same thing happened to Bobcat Bill, whose website has been shut down three times by authorities. He also receives death threats on a daily basis.
“I speak my mind and some people don’t like that,” says Bill. “It wasn’t until I started using Certs that I became opinionated. Before that I was pusillanimous – and you can imagine what my nickname was. It reached the point where I never said a word in public because I was afraid I’d be laughed at or challenged. Not any more. Certs made me assertive.”
Certitude™ is no candy-assed breath mint. Its bold jalapeno flavour remains strong in the mouth for hours, ensuring strongly held views don’t lose their conviction.
Montreal Canadiens fan Hugo Wannamaker has been a diehard supporter of the team for decades but he never got involved in any of the controversies surrounding the franchise.
“Who’s going to listen to a guy from Punkeydoodle’s Corner?” Wannamaker said. “That all changed when I tried Certitude for the first time. Right away I went online and posted Halak’s better than Price, and argued for Martin and Gauthier to be fired. A few weeks ago I said hiring Therrien was idiocy IN CAP LETTERS. I’ve never done that before! Line combinations are a breeze now. Trades? Easy peasy, puddin’ and pie! Free agent signings? I’ll let you know in a second, soon as I gulp down a couple of Certs.”
Get off the fence, get Certitude™
Grapes crushed by changes to show's format
(12:05, Oct. 4, 2014)
Toronto – Rogers TV faces a revolt by its biggest sports celebrity, Don Cherry, who's incensed by the network's plans to elevate hockey broadcasts to “a new level of professionalism.”
Cherry stormed off the new $4.5 million space-age set of Sportsnet Hockey Night in Canada yesterday, saying he didn't sign up to be “a Opie Woebegone or a Toyoda talkin' hockey.”
Cherry told reporters he cut short the walk-through with Hockey Night's new bosses because he was getting too upset with all the changes that have been made, and now he's thinking of walking away from the show altogether.
“It's horrible what they've done with the set. They went overboard with the whole thing, it's outrageous, they have no sense of style,” Cherry fumed. “Why'd they have to jazz it up, make the studio look like Star Trek or Star Wars. They already got a star who's a warhorse, leave him alone.”
Cherry has become a Canadian institution since making his debut on HNIC in 1980. But Rogers is his new employer, having spent $5.2 billion to acquire Canadian NHL rights for 12 years, leaving CBC out in the cold.
Cherry and Ron MacLean will continue to work together on the first intermission segment – renamed Coach's Quadrant – but they'll be sitting behind a big control panel that will allow them to introduce all sorts of graphics, historic video clips, replays from the first period and photos of Cherry's favourite players, charities and military battles.
Scott Moore, president of Sportsnet and NHL Properties for Rogers, said the network decided to give Cherry direct control over when a clip gets shown, to remove at least one repetitive element from his commentary (“Wait a minute, hold it, don't show it yet.”).
“We have every faith Don can learn the system, with the help of MacLean, who will be his first officer, so to speak,” Scott said.
Cherry also complained at length about Rogers asserting sartorial control over his TV appearances.
“They showed me a bunch of tunics and robes and jumpsuits to choose from --- and there wasn't one decent collar among them!” he thundered. “And solid colours, no paisley, no plaids, just solid colours – and just two to an outfit! What have they got against good taste!”
Cherry was assured he would be allowed to continue his tirademark rants – but with one condition. He'll have to know all the players' names and be able to pronounce them flawlessly, “as a show of respect,” Moore said. “It's all part of the code, the Canadian Association of Broadcasters' Code of Ethics. Don will be glad to know that it's written down.”
Cherry told reporters he was “flabbergasted – am I saying that right, boys?” -- by Rogers' edict on accuracy, which the network admitted was new for its sports coverage.
“Are you gonna tell me people watchin' my show don't know who I'm talkin' about, even if I might be a bit off in sayin' the guy's name?” Cherry asked. “No way! So what's the big deal? Did they send a memo to Colie, sayin' 'Nice work on the game the other night, Bob, you're the only play-by-play man who's ever pronounced Borka-smorka-winka-dinka's name perfectly – except it was Johnson who got the goal?'”
Cherry pulled out a copy of the National Hockey League's player pronunciation list he was given to memorize before the season starts.
“Look at this: 'AY – long A as in mate. UH hollow E as in the. EW dipthong as in few. KH gutteral CH as in Scottish version of Loch.'
"What the hell are they even talkin' about, thongs and gutters?”
Cherry made fun of the entire list, saying it's more confusing than clarifying.
“Take a look at the names: [spells out] FIHL KEH-suhl. Does that look or sound like Phil Kessel to you? What about [spells out] MIGHK SMIHTH? He plays for Phoenix. Or is it Phooneks?
“Just one more for my fans up in Montreal. Here's what the pronunciation guide has to say about your top scorer: [spells out] MAX – okay, that was easy enough – pahk-OHR-eht-tee. Ya see, even the experts get it wrong with it comes to a name like Packiorecchi.”
Cherry said he's going to take a few days to ponder his future before deciding whether or not he wants to work in an environment so radically different from the end of the playoffs.
He'll have to make up his mind in a hurry. The season starts next Wednesday, and one of the games has the Toronto Maple Leafs playing host to the Montreal Canadiens.
Cherry said he's leaning toward returning, if only to see MacLean “wearing those goofy Google Glasses.
“As if anything can make him smart,” he chuckled.
(12:05, Oct. 4, 2014)
Toronto – Rogers TV faces a revolt by its biggest sports celebrity, Don Cherry, who's incensed by the network's plans to elevate hockey broadcasts to “a new level of professionalism.”
Cherry stormed off the new $4.5 million space-age set of Sportsnet Hockey Night in Canada yesterday, saying he didn't sign up to be “a Opie Woebegone or a Toyoda talkin' hockey.”
Cherry told reporters he cut short the walk-through with Hockey Night's new bosses because he was getting too upset with all the changes that have been made, and now he's thinking of walking away from the show altogether.
“It's horrible what they've done with the set. They went overboard with the whole thing, it's outrageous, they have no sense of style,” Cherry fumed. “Why'd they have to jazz it up, make the studio look like Star Trek or Star Wars. They already got a star who's a warhorse, leave him alone.”
Cherry has become a Canadian institution since making his debut on HNIC in 1980. But Rogers is his new employer, having spent $5.2 billion to acquire Canadian NHL rights for 12 years, leaving CBC out in the cold.
Cherry and Ron MacLean will continue to work together on the first intermission segment – renamed Coach's Quadrant – but they'll be sitting behind a big control panel that will allow them to introduce all sorts of graphics, historic video clips, replays from the first period and photos of Cherry's favourite players, charities and military battles.
Scott Moore, president of Sportsnet and NHL Properties for Rogers, said the network decided to give Cherry direct control over when a clip gets shown, to remove at least one repetitive element from his commentary (“Wait a minute, hold it, don't show it yet.”).
“We have every faith Don can learn the system, with the help of MacLean, who will be his first officer, so to speak,” Scott said.
Cherry also complained at length about Rogers asserting sartorial control over his TV appearances.
“They showed me a bunch of tunics and robes and jumpsuits to choose from --- and there wasn't one decent collar among them!” he thundered. “And solid colours, no paisley, no plaids, just solid colours – and just two to an outfit! What have they got against good taste!”
Cherry was assured he would be allowed to continue his tirademark rants – but with one condition. He'll have to know all the players' names and be able to pronounce them flawlessly, “as a show of respect,” Moore said. “It's all part of the code, the Canadian Association of Broadcasters' Code of Ethics. Don will be glad to know that it's written down.”
Cherry told reporters he was “flabbergasted – am I saying that right, boys?” -- by Rogers' edict on accuracy, which the network admitted was new for its sports coverage.
“Are you gonna tell me people watchin' my show don't know who I'm talkin' about, even if I might be a bit off in sayin' the guy's name?” Cherry asked. “No way! So what's the big deal? Did they send a memo to Colie, sayin' 'Nice work on the game the other night, Bob, you're the only play-by-play man who's ever pronounced Borka-smorka-winka-dinka's name perfectly – except it was Johnson who got the goal?'”
Cherry pulled out a copy of the National Hockey League's player pronunciation list he was given to memorize before the season starts.
“Look at this: 'AY – long A as in mate. UH hollow E as in the. EW dipthong as in few. KH gutteral CH as in Scottish version of Loch.'
"What the hell are they even talkin' about, thongs and gutters?”
Cherry made fun of the entire list, saying it's more confusing than clarifying.
“Take a look at the names: [spells out] FIHL KEH-suhl. Does that look or sound like Phil Kessel to you? What about [spells out] MIGHK SMIHTH? He plays for Phoenix. Or is it Phooneks?
“Just one more for my fans up in Montreal. Here's what the pronunciation guide has to say about your top scorer: [spells out] MAX – okay, that was easy enough – pahk-OHR-eht-tee. Ya see, even the experts get it wrong with it comes to a name like Packiorecchi.”
Cherry said he's going to take a few days to ponder his future before deciding whether or not he wants to work in an environment so radically different from the end of the playoffs.
He'll have to make up his mind in a hurry. The season starts next Wednesday, and one of the games has the Toronto Maple Leafs playing host to the Montreal Canadiens.
Cherry said he's leaning toward returning, if only to see MacLean “wearing those goofy Google Glasses.
“As if anything can make him smart,” he chuckled.
Remember how this fantasy played out?
(June 1, 2012)
MONTREAL – As expected, Montreal Canadiens coach Patrick Roy announced his retirement today, one week after his team defeated the Phoenix Roadrunners (formerly the New York Islanders) for its fourth Stanley Cup in 10 years under his leadership.
“It’s been a good run but now it’s time to move on,” Roy told reporters at the Bell Centre as he cleared out his desk. “I’m looking for a new challenge.”
Although Roy would seem to be a good fit for the Quebec Peladeaux (formerly the New Jersey Devils), hockey insiders say he’ll likely take over as the Habs’ general manager because Marc Bergevin has been asked by the National Hockey League to replace Brian Burke as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. The troubled franchise has missed the playoffs 18 straight years and attendance has dropped by .001 per cent.
Roy showed reporters boxes of e-mails and letters he received from irate fans when he was chosen to lead the Canadiens.
“I used them as an incentive to prove them wrong,” he said.
He almost proved them right, however, during that turbulent first season when he was suspended 10 games by the NHL for initiating a pre-season brawl with the Boston Bruins.
“I wanted them to know early we weren’t going to be pushed around,” he said.
Seven weeks later he was given a five-game suspension by the Canadiens for pulling his goalie – by the collar as he was coming off the ice after letting in five goals in the first period.
“That’s when I realized I needed to keep my temper under control,” Roy said. “But I think the incident, in some small way, helped Carey go on to win the Vezina that season and the two after that. My only regret was that he wouldn’t stop flinching whenever I went to pat him on the back after each game.”
Roy quickly gained the respect of his players with his spirited post-game defences of their play when the team struggled early in the season. Even the club’s harshest critics were cowed by his outbursts, and occasional gunfire – “C’mon, guys, they were blanks, everybody knew that!” – and coverage of the Canadiens inevitably took on a more positive tone.
He also endeared himself with the players by letting them wear his Stanley Cup rings when they went to bars.
The new atmosphere was cited by Sidney Crosby when he signed on as a free agent and led the team to its first Stanley Cup since 1993.
The Canadiens’ “firebrand” style of hockey, which emphasized offence with an edge and an even edgier defence, overpowered opponents in the seasons that followed, resulting in three more Cups.
“I always wanted my players to play as if their jock was too small, so they’d be snarly and quick to anger at the slightest provocation,” said Roy, who once again denied persistent rumours the players were, in fact, given wrong-sized athletic supporters that goaded their gonads.
Roy’s memorable moments included jousting matches – verbal and stick – with John Tortorella of the Las Vegas Gamblers (formerly the Phoenix Coyotes), which have been viewed more than a million times on YouTube.
With Roy’s resignation and Bergevin’s all-but-certain departure, speculation is certain to run rampant as to who will take their places, the same as happened prior to the two men being hired in 2012.
Hockey blogger Eklund says Pierre McGuire is a shoo-in to become the Canadiens’ new general manager while hockeywriters.com is declaring Roy’s successor will be either Michel Therrien or Guy Carbonneau. Current assistant coaches Hal Gill, Saku Koivu and Haley Wickenheiser were listed as longshots, even though all have become fluently bilingual over the past several years.
(June 1, 2012)
MONTREAL – As expected, Montreal Canadiens coach Patrick Roy announced his retirement today, one week after his team defeated the Phoenix Roadrunners (formerly the New York Islanders) for its fourth Stanley Cup in 10 years under his leadership.
“It’s been a good run but now it’s time to move on,” Roy told reporters at the Bell Centre as he cleared out his desk. “I’m looking for a new challenge.”
Although Roy would seem to be a good fit for the Quebec Peladeaux (formerly the New Jersey Devils), hockey insiders say he’ll likely take over as the Habs’ general manager because Marc Bergevin has been asked by the National Hockey League to replace Brian Burke as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. The troubled franchise has missed the playoffs 18 straight years and attendance has dropped by .001 per cent.
Roy showed reporters boxes of e-mails and letters he received from irate fans when he was chosen to lead the Canadiens.
“I used them as an incentive to prove them wrong,” he said.
He almost proved them right, however, during that turbulent first season when he was suspended 10 games by the NHL for initiating a pre-season brawl with the Boston Bruins.
“I wanted them to know early we weren’t going to be pushed around,” he said.
Seven weeks later he was given a five-game suspension by the Canadiens for pulling his goalie – by the collar as he was coming off the ice after letting in five goals in the first period.
“That’s when I realized I needed to keep my temper under control,” Roy said. “But I think the incident, in some small way, helped Carey go on to win the Vezina that season and the two after that. My only regret was that he wouldn’t stop flinching whenever I went to pat him on the back after each game.”
Roy quickly gained the respect of his players with his spirited post-game defences of their play when the team struggled early in the season. Even the club’s harshest critics were cowed by his outbursts, and occasional gunfire – “C’mon, guys, they were blanks, everybody knew that!” – and coverage of the Canadiens inevitably took on a more positive tone.
He also endeared himself with the players by letting them wear his Stanley Cup rings when they went to bars.
The new atmosphere was cited by Sidney Crosby when he signed on as a free agent and led the team to its first Stanley Cup since 1993.
The Canadiens’ “firebrand” style of hockey, which emphasized offence with an edge and an even edgier defence, overpowered opponents in the seasons that followed, resulting in three more Cups.
“I always wanted my players to play as if their jock was too small, so they’d be snarly and quick to anger at the slightest provocation,” said Roy, who once again denied persistent rumours the players were, in fact, given wrong-sized athletic supporters that goaded their gonads.
Roy’s memorable moments included jousting matches – verbal and stick – with John Tortorella of the Las Vegas Gamblers (formerly the Phoenix Coyotes), which have been viewed more than a million times on YouTube.
With Roy’s resignation and Bergevin’s all-but-certain departure, speculation is certain to run rampant as to who will take their places, the same as happened prior to the two men being hired in 2012.
Hockey blogger Eklund says Pierre McGuire is a shoo-in to become the Canadiens’ new general manager while hockeywriters.com is declaring Roy’s successor will be either Michel Therrien or Guy Carbonneau. Current assistant coaches Hal Gill, Saku Koivu and Haley Wickenheiser were listed as longshots, even though all have become fluently bilingual over the past several years.
Change is wonderful, just give it a try
(July 26, 2012)
I think all of us has it within ourselves to turn our lives around, no matter how set we are in our ways. I proved that today and I believe the experience is worth sharing. Critics of Gomez take note.
I started out the morning, get this, by putting my pants on – with my RIGHT leg first! I never do that but I decided to shake things up.
Same with the socks, RIGHT foot first – and AFTER I had put my pants on! Unheard of!
Next was the underwear, which, to be honest, wasn’t part of the grand redesign – they were supposed to go on first, after all – but so quick was the metamorphosis taking place that I didn’t get flustered when I realized my mistake. I regrouped and redressed.
By now I was the centre of calm in a hurricane of change, and the changes kept a-comin’.
Ate my cereal using my LEFT hand! Brushed my teeth SIDEWAYS! Parted my hair on the OPPOSITE side!
It was a new me and I was liking what I saw in the mirror even though I hardly recognized myself. It was like Mr. Jekyll had become Mr. Terrific, all because of a few departures from the norm.
I didn’t stop there. On the way to work, I made left-hand turns while signaling right. Turned the air conditioning on high blast and lowered the windows. Listened to the sports shows without yelling once.
It was incredibly transformative!
So big deal, you say – you glass half-empty guys kill me! – what’s all this got to do with anything, especially with Gomez?
Well, let me tell you what happened at work: productivity shot up! I made fewer mistakes, met most of my deadlines, didn’t trigger a single customer complaint — and only one co-worker got injured!
The boss was impressed and said take my time getting his latte. I even detected a hint of a smile when he said it.
So there you have it, me, Joe Nobody, turning his life around by making a few simple changes in routine. With more to come (tomorrow I’m shifting the toilet paper around so it pulls off topside!).
Anybody can become a new person without surgery if you put your mind to it.
It’s like tossing a pebble in the ocean and the ripple becoming a tsunami by the time it reaches the other side.
I’ve emailed my story to Gomez to get him started. He hasn’t replied with anything nasty – you won’t believe how many NHL people can be so rude – which tells me he’s taken my message to heart.
So don’t be surprised if No. 11 plays like a 10 next season. You have the inside scoop.
(July 26, 2012)
I think all of us has it within ourselves to turn our lives around, no matter how set we are in our ways. I proved that today and I believe the experience is worth sharing. Critics of Gomez take note.
I started out the morning, get this, by putting my pants on – with my RIGHT leg first! I never do that but I decided to shake things up.
Same with the socks, RIGHT foot first – and AFTER I had put my pants on! Unheard of!
Next was the underwear, which, to be honest, wasn’t part of the grand redesign – they were supposed to go on first, after all – but so quick was the metamorphosis taking place that I didn’t get flustered when I realized my mistake. I regrouped and redressed.
By now I was the centre of calm in a hurricane of change, and the changes kept a-comin’.
Ate my cereal using my LEFT hand! Brushed my teeth SIDEWAYS! Parted my hair on the OPPOSITE side!
It was a new me and I was liking what I saw in the mirror even though I hardly recognized myself. It was like Mr. Jekyll had become Mr. Terrific, all because of a few departures from the norm.
I didn’t stop there. On the way to work, I made left-hand turns while signaling right. Turned the air conditioning on high blast and lowered the windows. Listened to the sports shows without yelling once.
It was incredibly transformative!
So big deal, you say – you glass half-empty guys kill me! – what’s all this got to do with anything, especially with Gomez?
Well, let me tell you what happened at work: productivity shot up! I made fewer mistakes, met most of my deadlines, didn’t trigger a single customer complaint — and only one co-worker got injured!
The boss was impressed and said take my time getting his latte. I even detected a hint of a smile when he said it.
So there you have it, me, Joe Nobody, turning his life around by making a few simple changes in routine. With more to come (tomorrow I’m shifting the toilet paper around so it pulls off topside!).
Anybody can become a new person without surgery if you put your mind to it.
It’s like tossing a pebble in the ocean and the ripple becoming a tsunami by the time it reaches the other side.
I’ve emailed my story to Gomez to get him started. He hasn’t replied with anything nasty – you won’t believe how many NHL people can be so rude – which tells me he’s taken my message to heart.
So don’t be surprised if No. 11 plays like a 10 next season. You have the inside scoop.
Star-Spangled Canada, eh? What do you see?
(10:45 p.m., Sept. 12, 2014)
A fierce debate raged earlier today on Hockey Inside/Out regarding the pros and cons of anthems, independent of the adequacy of those who sing them. Some posters find songs in praise of a country before a sporting match stirring, others say they simply stir the pot of nationalistic fervour.
Why a game should be prefaced with an anthem is a bit puzzling but it wasn't that long ago – to say the 20th century makes it sound so ancient – that movie theatres played a recording of the anthem before showing trailers and the main attraction, requiring patrons to stand up and spill their half-consumed beverage on the person in front, an unfortunate circumstance that was repeated for years until the custom was abandoned (the spilling of beverages on others, however, continues to this day).
I would miss having an anthem sung or played before a game, if only because it reminds me of where I happen to be at the time, specifically which country, no small consideration for a person of my advanced age.
I also like joining in the singing of O Canada to demonstrate to those around me that here is a tenor who, regrettably, being unrecognizable as a performer of note, has clearly missed his calling, and that they should feel fortunate to have in their midst someone who by his presence elevates their section's level of performance.
But mostly I like the anthem to be played or sung and danced to by players because there's something to be said about openly showing pride in one's country in a most vocal manner, when such opportunities to do so are relatively few (while taking a shower doesn't count).
Why is a modest, and most often an off-key, expression of patriotism a bad thing? It's not like I'm giving consent to Canadians going to war – I'd sign up myself but I mentioned I was old, right? -- or even suggesting we could do a teensy-weensy bit more to show our colours in the Arctic.
However, I recognize by the intensity of opposition to this notion as expressed by some of the posters that it has become a divisive issue not only here but I would suggest all across Canada, seeing as HIO is something of a bellwether when it comes to public opinion in this country.
I would propose that an anthem stripped of any taint of jingoism be composed to be sung in every arena and stadium across North America, for the express purpose of bringing together peoples of different beliefs and ethnicities and having them think of themselves as belonging to a much broader community.
An anthem that reaches across borders and embraces the entire world, that looks beyond tribal loyalties and nationalist sympathies.
An anthem that, well, reads very much like the one you'll find here.
A caution: There is no music to guide you in the singing of the verses. I have left that to your imagination. Being a contributor to the creative process can only add to the experience, no? And if it doesn't work, well, I think we all know who's to blame.
We are just a bunch of fans, we're here to watch a game
Beneath our jerseys -- sweaters too! -- we are all the same
We take pride in who we are, no matter where we're from
And if we're good, we'll all end up in good ole kingdom come.
Ohhhh, boundaries we are not about, it's all about the sport
It's why we all have gathered here: carouse, careen, cavort!
Where we live or once called home, it matters to no one
Our home address is all the same -- third planet from the sun
Raise your voices loud and strong, and not for just one nation
Sing for all of humankind (too bad about the Thracians)
As fans of Earth, we'll do our best, to save this global village:
We'll mend our ways and cast out sin, like murder, rape and pillage
Shoulder to shoulder we all stand, in harmony we sing
No flag we wave, no pledge we make, except for this one thing:
Allegiance to a single race, the human race, no other
And if our team can't win it big, we hope at least it covers
(10:45 p.m., Sept. 12, 2014)
A fierce debate raged earlier today on Hockey Inside/Out regarding the pros and cons of anthems, independent of the adequacy of those who sing them. Some posters find songs in praise of a country before a sporting match stirring, others say they simply stir the pot of nationalistic fervour.
Why a game should be prefaced with an anthem is a bit puzzling but it wasn't that long ago – to say the 20th century makes it sound so ancient – that movie theatres played a recording of the anthem before showing trailers and the main attraction, requiring patrons to stand up and spill their half-consumed beverage on the person in front, an unfortunate circumstance that was repeated for years until the custom was abandoned (the spilling of beverages on others, however, continues to this day).
I would miss having an anthem sung or played before a game, if only because it reminds me of where I happen to be at the time, specifically which country, no small consideration for a person of my advanced age.
I also like joining in the singing of O Canada to demonstrate to those around me that here is a tenor who, regrettably, being unrecognizable as a performer of note, has clearly missed his calling, and that they should feel fortunate to have in their midst someone who by his presence elevates their section's level of performance.
But mostly I like the anthem to be played or sung and danced to by players because there's something to be said about openly showing pride in one's country in a most vocal manner, when such opportunities to do so are relatively few (while taking a shower doesn't count).
Why is a modest, and most often an off-key, expression of patriotism a bad thing? It's not like I'm giving consent to Canadians going to war – I'd sign up myself but I mentioned I was old, right? -- or even suggesting we could do a teensy-weensy bit more to show our colours in the Arctic.
However, I recognize by the intensity of opposition to this notion as expressed by some of the posters that it has become a divisive issue not only here but I would suggest all across Canada, seeing as HIO is something of a bellwether when it comes to public opinion in this country.
I would propose that an anthem stripped of any taint of jingoism be composed to be sung in every arena and stadium across North America, for the express purpose of bringing together peoples of different beliefs and ethnicities and having them think of themselves as belonging to a much broader community.
An anthem that reaches across borders and embraces the entire world, that looks beyond tribal loyalties and nationalist sympathies.
An anthem that, well, reads very much like the one you'll find here.
A caution: There is no music to guide you in the singing of the verses. I have left that to your imagination. Being a contributor to the creative process can only add to the experience, no? And if it doesn't work, well, I think we all know who's to blame.
We are just a bunch of fans, we're here to watch a game
Beneath our jerseys -- sweaters too! -- we are all the same
We take pride in who we are, no matter where we're from
And if we're good, we'll all end up in good ole kingdom come.
Ohhhh, boundaries we are not about, it's all about the sport
It's why we all have gathered here: carouse, careen, cavort!
Where we live or once called home, it matters to no one
Our home address is all the same -- third planet from the sun
Raise your voices loud and strong, and not for just one nation
Sing for all of humankind (too bad about the Thracians)
As fans of Earth, we'll do our best, to save this global village:
We'll mend our ways and cast out sin, like murder, rape and pillage
Shoulder to shoulder we all stand, in harmony we sing
No flag we wave, no pledge we make, except for this one thing:
Allegiance to a single race, the human race, no other
And if our team can't win it big, we hope at least it covers
Can't get enough of those lovable stat freaks
(June 12, 2013)
ABC has announced it’s bringing back I'm Corsi ... He's Fenwick, the sitcom about the antics of two lovable hockey stats freaks.
Fenwick: Jim, we got more nasty emails today saying our systems stink and we’re a pair of idiots. I’m beginning to think they’re right. You can’t ignore that many people saying the same thing. The numbers don’t lie. Maybe we are missing something.
Corsi: Maybe YOU are, I’m not. Keeping track of blocked shots IS statistically relevant.
Fenwick: Aw, let’s not get into that again. Let’s face it, we’re never going to agree on that point.
Corsi: Point! That’s it, shots from the point! Have you been keeping track of those?
Fenwick: No. A shot’s a shot, who cares where it comes from?
Corsi: But that’s just it! A shot from centre ice, for example, isn’t likely to score, Jacque Lemaire’s goal in Game 7 of the 1971 Stanley Cup final being the exception that proves the rule.
Same with a shot from a sharp angle, the chances are pretty slim
Fenwick: Unless you’re Patrick Sharp. So what’s your point?
Corsi: The point is my point. You know how Don Cherry goes on and on about how important shots from the point are, well, the old coot just might be onto something. Maybe we should factor that into our computations.
Fenwick: You know, you could be right. If we went back through all the game data, say, for the last five years and isolated the shots from the point, we could determine if there is a statistical connection between the number of shots from just inside the blue line and the number of goals a team scores.
Corsi: Ooooh, I’m starting to tingle. This could prove once and for all that we know what we’re talking about, and that our detractors are idiots.
Fenwick: Yeah, I like that. Maybe THAT’S a relevant statistic. The more people who think that you’re wrong, the more likely it is that you’re right.
Corsi: Well, I’ve always thought that. But I’ve never taken the time to compile the numbers to back that up.
Fenwick: Not a problem. I’ve been keeping tally. As of an hour ago, we have received 2,479,711 emails and four letters calling us a jerks with 1,642,580 telling us to get a life.
Corsi: How many saying we’re on the right track?
Fenwick: Lemme see, I put that postcard some place.
Corsi: Never mind. Let’s get started on those point shots.
Fenwick: Right! But just the ones that get through, right?
Corsi: No, no, no! Include the ones that get blocked as well!
Fenwick: Why??!!! You block a shot at the point, YOU’RE the one that’s going to get a good scoring chance, not the team on the power play!
Corsi: Or the guy doing the blocking could go down with a broken leg and now you’re up two players inside the zone!
Fenwick: Yeah, well, how often does that happen, remember
[Fade from scene, with Corsi, Fenwick yelling over each other, holding up their iPhones in each other’s face, pointing to webpages crammed with NHL data ...]
Full disclosure: I know hardly anything about either statistical system, and understand even less, so take what’s written with a huge grain of salt. I might have distorted the substance of their arguments and ignored important details a teensy-weensy bit.
Partial disclosure: I wrote this in my skivvies.
(June 12, 2013)
ABC has announced it’s bringing back I'm Corsi ... He's Fenwick, the sitcom about the antics of two lovable hockey stats freaks.
Fenwick: Jim, we got more nasty emails today saying our systems stink and we’re a pair of idiots. I’m beginning to think they’re right. You can’t ignore that many people saying the same thing. The numbers don’t lie. Maybe we are missing something.
Corsi: Maybe YOU are, I’m not. Keeping track of blocked shots IS statistically relevant.
Fenwick: Aw, let’s not get into that again. Let’s face it, we’re never going to agree on that point.
Corsi: Point! That’s it, shots from the point! Have you been keeping track of those?
Fenwick: No. A shot’s a shot, who cares where it comes from?
Corsi: But that’s just it! A shot from centre ice, for example, isn’t likely to score, Jacque Lemaire’s goal in Game 7 of the 1971 Stanley Cup final being the exception that proves the rule.
Same with a shot from a sharp angle, the chances are pretty slim
Fenwick: Unless you’re Patrick Sharp. So what’s your point?
Corsi: The point is my point. You know how Don Cherry goes on and on about how important shots from the point are, well, the old coot just might be onto something. Maybe we should factor that into our computations.
Fenwick: You know, you could be right. If we went back through all the game data, say, for the last five years and isolated the shots from the point, we could determine if there is a statistical connection between the number of shots from just inside the blue line and the number of goals a team scores.
Corsi: Ooooh, I’m starting to tingle. This could prove once and for all that we know what we’re talking about, and that our detractors are idiots.
Fenwick: Yeah, I like that. Maybe THAT’S a relevant statistic. The more people who think that you’re wrong, the more likely it is that you’re right.
Corsi: Well, I’ve always thought that. But I’ve never taken the time to compile the numbers to back that up.
Fenwick: Not a problem. I’ve been keeping tally. As of an hour ago, we have received 2,479,711 emails and four letters calling us a jerks with 1,642,580 telling us to get a life.
Corsi: How many saying we’re on the right track?
Fenwick: Lemme see, I put that postcard some place.
Corsi: Never mind. Let’s get started on those point shots.
Fenwick: Right! But just the ones that get through, right?
Corsi: No, no, no! Include the ones that get blocked as well!
Fenwick: Why??!!! You block a shot at the point, YOU’RE the one that’s going to get a good scoring chance, not the team on the power play!
Corsi: Or the guy doing the blocking could go down with a broken leg and now you’re up two players inside the zone!
Fenwick: Yeah, well, how often does that happen, remember
[Fade from scene, with Corsi, Fenwick yelling over each other, holding up their iPhones in each other’s face, pointing to webpages crammed with NHL data ...]
Full disclosure: I know hardly anything about either statistical system, and understand even less, so take what’s written with a huge grain of salt. I might have distorted the substance of their arguments and ignored important details a teensy-weensy bit.
Partial disclosure: I wrote this in my skivvies.
'Hello, Rogers? I'm looking for a deal ...'
(11 a.m., Sept. 4, 2014)
Hello, Rogers? Hi, my name is Bob Newhart, and I live west of Belleville. Pardon? No, Belleville. The city. I know this is Rogers. I’m calling about a television package so I can watch all 82 Montreal Canadiens games. Yeah, the hockey team. The Leafs? Yeah, they’re okay, I guess. Don’t really follow them that much. I’m a playoff hockey man myself. So what I was ca -what’s that? Rogers owns part of the Leafs? Ahh, that’s nice. Which part, the peticle [chuckles timidly]? No, no, that was a joke. So, as I was askingPardon? No, I wasn’t being snippy. All I want to know is, um, can I sign up to see, you know, all 82 Canadien games? Yeah, all 82. Unhh? Well, I’m a, I’m a hockey fan, that’s why. No, it’s not like watching the Leafs at all. I, ah, actually enjoy watching the games, I, uh, I can’t speak for Leaf fans. So about signing upWhat’s that, un huh, un huh, un huh, un huh. RDS, yeah, yeah. TVA, un huh. Sportsnet, right, right. Gamecentre. Yeah. Centre Ice. Gotcha. So let me get this straight, so for guys like me who live west of Belleville – Belleville, BelleVILLE! — I can watch 60 Canadien games on RDS, 60 of them! For 60 bucks? SIXTY BUCKS? That’s, that’s amazing, sign meExcuse me. That includes 54 Senator games? But, but I don’t want to watch Senator games. You’re, you’re saying I HAVE to watch the Senator games or my subscription gets cancelled. You can do that, you can track what I’m watching? Well, yeah, about that, my nephew was visiting for the weekend, I went to bed, he stayed up late. Pardon? No, he doesn’t stay every weekend. Look, can we get back to hockey. So if I pay $60 I get to watch 60 Canadien games but I also have to watch the Senators play. [exhales heavily] Hmmmm. Never mind. Sign me up for the Leafs package. 82 games, $100, right? And when do I get my money? End of the season? Okay, thanks. Bye.
(11 a.m., Sept. 4, 2014)
Hello, Rogers? Hi, my name is Bob Newhart, and I live west of Belleville. Pardon? No, Belleville. The city. I know this is Rogers. I’m calling about a television package so I can watch all 82 Montreal Canadiens games. Yeah, the hockey team. The Leafs? Yeah, they’re okay, I guess. Don’t really follow them that much. I’m a playoff hockey man myself. So what I was ca -what’s that? Rogers owns part of the Leafs? Ahh, that’s nice. Which part, the peticle [chuckles timidly]? No, no, that was a joke. So, as I was askingPardon? No, I wasn’t being snippy. All I want to know is, um, can I sign up to see, you know, all 82 Canadien games? Yeah, all 82. Unhh? Well, I’m a, I’m a hockey fan, that’s why. No, it’s not like watching the Leafs at all. I, ah, actually enjoy watching the games, I, uh, I can’t speak for Leaf fans. So about signing upWhat’s that, un huh, un huh, un huh, un huh. RDS, yeah, yeah. TVA, un huh. Sportsnet, right, right. Gamecentre. Yeah. Centre Ice. Gotcha. So let me get this straight, so for guys like me who live west of Belleville – Belleville, BelleVILLE! — I can watch 60 Canadien games on RDS, 60 of them! For 60 bucks? SIXTY BUCKS? That’s, that’s amazing, sign meExcuse me. That includes 54 Senator games? But, but I don’t want to watch Senator games. You’re, you’re saying I HAVE to watch the Senator games or my subscription gets cancelled. You can do that, you can track what I’m watching? Well, yeah, about that, my nephew was visiting for the weekend, I went to bed, he stayed up late. Pardon? No, he doesn’t stay every weekend. Look, can we get back to hockey. So if I pay $60 I get to watch 60 Canadien games but I also have to watch the Senators play. [exhales heavily] Hmmmm. Never mind. Sign me up for the Leafs package. 82 games, $100, right? And when do I get my money? End of the season? Okay, thanks. Bye.
How to get your point across unpointedly
(June 30, 2012)
Occasionally it happens that disagreements arise between two posters, and if the positions are strongly held, and the parties unyielding, tensions can rise and lead to unpleasant name calling. It’s not a pretty sight, and doesn’t do HIO proud.
Perhaps if the following niceties were observed, there would be fewer instances of inflammatory exchanges and hurt feelings:
1.) If you disagree with what someone has posted, preface your rebuttal with any of the following phrases (and for special emphasis, include all three in demonstrating your superior wisdom):
I beg to differ …
If I may be so bold as to suggest …
Far be it from me to question your sanity but …
2.) Employ gentle wit to state your position. Although you wish to make a point, there’s no need to make it pointed. Your evident good sense will be received with equanimity if conveyed with good humour.
For example, telling a poster he (or his assertion) is “full of [crap]” is problematic on a number of levels. If meant to be taken literally, there’s the matter of providing proof. If said figuratively, it’s an overused metaphor, and stands in the way of advancing your argument. Better to praise the fellow and his fertile imagination as “a lump of foul deformity,” which is sure to draw a smile. You can’t go wrong quoting Shakespeare, a quipster if ever there was one.
3.) Related to the foregoing is this, Attack the argument, not the man. To describe the person to whom you’re responding as “a poor creature, who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering,” as Carlyle once said of Shelley, is a classic mistake when intellects collide. These personal attacks do more to weaken your case in the court of public opinion than place the subject of your wrath on the wrong side of an issue.
A far wiser course of action than ad hominem broadsides is the ‘hommina hommina hommina’ approach to rhetoric. This ploy, introduced by bus driver Ralph Kramden, gives the appearance of a bumbling idiot at a loss of words but, as perfected by detective Columbo, sets the trap for a devastating climax and a highly satisfactory outcome in a contest of wills.
In practice, this involves ceding ground at some point in an exchange of words, only to come back with a brilliant counterpunch that knocks out your opponent. ‘Boy oh boy oh boy’ does not qualify, which gives you some idea how difficult this rhetorical device is to master.
4.) Lastly, be sparing with your use of smileys. One, :) , may be seen as an attempt to soften the sting of your words. Too many, :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) , can be correctly interpreted as laughing in the person’s face. As a tool for suasion, its effect is minimal.
Oh yes, one more thing:
– “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.” –
(June 30, 2012)
Occasionally it happens that disagreements arise between two posters, and if the positions are strongly held, and the parties unyielding, tensions can rise and lead to unpleasant name calling. It’s not a pretty sight, and doesn’t do HIO proud.
Perhaps if the following niceties were observed, there would be fewer instances of inflammatory exchanges and hurt feelings:
1.) If you disagree with what someone has posted, preface your rebuttal with any of the following phrases (and for special emphasis, include all three in demonstrating your superior wisdom):
I beg to differ …
If I may be so bold as to suggest …
Far be it from me to question your sanity but …
2.) Employ gentle wit to state your position. Although you wish to make a point, there’s no need to make it pointed. Your evident good sense will be received with equanimity if conveyed with good humour.
For example, telling a poster he (or his assertion) is “full of [crap]” is problematic on a number of levels. If meant to be taken literally, there’s the matter of providing proof. If said figuratively, it’s an overused metaphor, and stands in the way of advancing your argument. Better to praise the fellow and his fertile imagination as “a lump of foul deformity,” which is sure to draw a smile. You can’t go wrong quoting Shakespeare, a quipster if ever there was one.
3.) Related to the foregoing is this, Attack the argument, not the man. To describe the person to whom you’re responding as “a poor creature, who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering,” as Carlyle once said of Shelley, is a classic mistake when intellects collide. These personal attacks do more to weaken your case in the court of public opinion than place the subject of your wrath on the wrong side of an issue.
A far wiser course of action than ad hominem broadsides is the ‘hommina hommina hommina’ approach to rhetoric. This ploy, introduced by bus driver Ralph Kramden, gives the appearance of a bumbling idiot at a loss of words but, as perfected by detective Columbo, sets the trap for a devastating climax and a highly satisfactory outcome in a contest of wills.
In practice, this involves ceding ground at some point in an exchange of words, only to come back with a brilliant counterpunch that knocks out your opponent. ‘Boy oh boy oh boy’ does not qualify, which gives you some idea how difficult this rhetorical device is to master.
4.) Lastly, be sparing with your use of smileys. One, :) , may be seen as an attempt to soften the sting of your words. Too many, :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) , can be correctly interpreted as laughing in the person’s face. As a tool for suasion, its effect is minimal.
Oh yes, one more thing:
– “A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.” –
Fans drawing a blank on next GM
(April 30, 2012)
Sorry for the interruption but this just came in…
MONTREAL – An internal memo leaked from the Montreal Canadiens’ public relations department reveals the team is hedging its bets on who will be the next general manager but the club’s spin machine is preparing for any possibility.
The memo includes a draft announcement that can readily be amended the moment the Canadiens decide on a new leader.
The announcement reads:
The Montreal Canadiens are pleased to announce they have chosen ______________ to be their next general manager.
"______________ possesses a depth of hockey knowledge/is well respected throughout the league/has succeeded at every level he’s held a position of responsibility/speaks French,” said Serge Savard, who led the search for a new GM in the role of special consultant to team owner Geoff Molson.
“Mr/Ms/Mrs. ______________ made it in clear in a series of intensive interviews that, although the team foundered under a stifling defensive system/suffered through an unfortunate string of injuries/failed to live up to its potential/had its prayers go unanswered that Gomez would retire, it has the nucleus to compete for the Stanley Cup next year/ within two years/within three years/before the Maple Leafs do.”
Savard said he, Molson and a second unnamed adviser evaluated more than a dozen highly qualified candidates at length and were fortunate to sign ___________ to a three-year contract before another team lured him away/he had second thoughts about coming out of retirement/Quebec gets a team/he completes a Les Rôtisseries St-Hubert management program and is assigned a fast food franchise in Chicoutimi.
“I know many in the media and on fan websites will question our decision to go with ______________ but they don’t know what it takes to chart a team’s future/how difficult it is to recruit outstanding individuals/why it makes sense to gamble sometimes/squat,” Savard said.
______________ was unable to make the press conference as he was en route from Los Angeles/Chicago/Toronto/Halifax/Detroit/Schenectady/Burlington.
(April 30, 2012)
Sorry for the interruption but this just came in…
MONTREAL – An internal memo leaked from the Montreal Canadiens’ public relations department reveals the team is hedging its bets on who will be the next general manager but the club’s spin machine is preparing for any possibility.
The memo includes a draft announcement that can readily be amended the moment the Canadiens decide on a new leader.
The announcement reads:
The Montreal Canadiens are pleased to announce they have chosen ______________ to be their next general manager.
"______________ possesses a depth of hockey knowledge/is well respected throughout the league/has succeeded at every level he’s held a position of responsibility/speaks French,” said Serge Savard, who led the search for a new GM in the role of special consultant to team owner Geoff Molson.
“Mr/Ms/Mrs. ______________ made it in clear in a series of intensive interviews that, although the team foundered under a stifling defensive system/suffered through an unfortunate string of injuries/failed to live up to its potential/had its prayers go unanswered that Gomez would retire, it has the nucleus to compete for the Stanley Cup next year/ within two years/within three years/before the Maple Leafs do.”
Savard said he, Molson and a second unnamed adviser evaluated more than a dozen highly qualified candidates at length and were fortunate to sign ___________ to a three-year contract before another team lured him away/he had second thoughts about coming out of retirement/Quebec gets a team/he completes a Les Rôtisseries St-Hubert management program and is assigned a fast food franchise in Chicoutimi.
“I know many in the media and on fan websites will question our decision to go with ______________ but they don’t know what it takes to chart a team’s future/how difficult it is to recruit outstanding individuals/why it makes sense to gamble sometimes/squat,” Savard said.
______________ was unable to make the press conference as he was en route from Los Angeles/Chicago/Toronto/Halifax/Detroit/Schenectady/Burlington.
There was a young man
(9 a.m., Aug. 13, 2014)
A young man in the same state as Nantucket
Launched a challenge that involved an ice bucket
Athletes would get doused
For a cause he espoused
How nice they took part and didn't duck it
(9 a.m., Aug. 13, 2014)
A young man in the same state as Nantucket
Launched a challenge that involved an ice bucket
Athletes would get doused
For a cause he espoused
How nice they took part and didn't duck it
Okay, not so good -- but they try!
(Aug. 29, 2012)
The third installment in a continuing series of profiles of other teams’ less-than-stellar players:
Guy Lafleur-de-lis RW (Colorado) – The smooth-skating forward seemed destined for greatness after an incredible junior career that saw him score 396 goals in four seasons. However, his time in the NHL lasted less than half a season after opponents discovered he could be easily separated from the puck. In his 27th game he was flattened by a thunderous body check that left him muttering: “Je ne me souviens pas.” By Game 36, he was given his independence.
Editor’s note: He’s currently in the Vancouver Canucks farm system hoping to rejoin the league.
Lorne Crabtree D (St. Louis) – At six-foot-nine and predisposed to blocking shots while lying flat on the ice, Crabtree has been prone for long stretches throughout his career. His style of play has earned him the sobriquet, Urban Sprawl.
Crabtree is famous for having tattoos of stitches done on those parts of his body that have been hit by a puck to show how disfigured he would have become had he not worn equipment. The number at last count was 1,497 stitches. Incredibly, his right ear lobe has never been broken.
Rocky Sullivan G (Rangers) – A product of the Bowery hockey program to get juvenile delinquents off the street, Sullivan developed into a number one goaltender for every team he played on, despite a glaring lack of talent. Some would say it wouldn’t have happened without the help of his childhood pals who had yet to be incarcerated; others blame Billy Smith for his baleful influence.
In any event, Sullivan’s bona fides as a netminder are beyond dispute, as those silly enough to argue have found out. His puckstopping abilities are unique. He abandoned the butterfly style adopted by many, in favour of what’s been called “the raging wasp.” Few who venture anywhere near Sullivan’s crease escape his sting, delivered at the end of a blade sharpened to a point.
Unfortunately, shots fired from 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, even 100 feet out have a tendency to find the back of the net, achievements no scorer has ever had the temerity to celebrate.
Royce Concordion LW (Los Angeles) – A defensive specialist without peer, Concordion is a victim of bad timing: his own. So obsessed is he about backchecking, that he’s often seen racing back into his own end while his teammates are headed the other way on a rush. Concordion has also been accused of being a dirty player whose favourite trick is to slew foot opposing players while they’re getting off the bus.
Mike DeLante RW/LW/WTF (Chicago) – DeLante is known for his blazing speed and wicked wrist shot. However his work ethic leaves something to be desired. The trainer has to dress him and he’s been known to coast on breakaways. He never climbs over the boards on a line shift; an assistant coach lifts him over. He’s so lazy he has other players spit for him. He’s so lazy autograph seekers sign his name. Why, he’s so lazy he only uses three fingers to high five.
(Aug. 29, 2012)
The third installment in a continuing series of profiles of other teams’ less-than-stellar players:
Guy Lafleur-de-lis RW (Colorado) – The smooth-skating forward seemed destined for greatness after an incredible junior career that saw him score 396 goals in four seasons. However, his time in the NHL lasted less than half a season after opponents discovered he could be easily separated from the puck. In his 27th game he was flattened by a thunderous body check that left him muttering: “Je ne me souviens pas.” By Game 36, he was given his independence.
Editor’s note: He’s currently in the Vancouver Canucks farm system hoping to rejoin the league.
Lorne Crabtree D (St. Louis) – At six-foot-nine and predisposed to blocking shots while lying flat on the ice, Crabtree has been prone for long stretches throughout his career. His style of play has earned him the sobriquet, Urban Sprawl.
Crabtree is famous for having tattoos of stitches done on those parts of his body that have been hit by a puck to show how disfigured he would have become had he not worn equipment. The number at last count was 1,497 stitches. Incredibly, his right ear lobe has never been broken.
Rocky Sullivan G (Rangers) – A product of the Bowery hockey program to get juvenile delinquents off the street, Sullivan developed into a number one goaltender for every team he played on, despite a glaring lack of talent. Some would say it wouldn’t have happened without the help of his childhood pals who had yet to be incarcerated; others blame Billy Smith for his baleful influence.
In any event, Sullivan’s bona fides as a netminder are beyond dispute, as those silly enough to argue have found out. His puckstopping abilities are unique. He abandoned the butterfly style adopted by many, in favour of what’s been called “the raging wasp.” Few who venture anywhere near Sullivan’s crease escape his sting, delivered at the end of a blade sharpened to a point.
Unfortunately, shots fired from 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, even 100 feet out have a tendency to find the back of the net, achievements no scorer has ever had the temerity to celebrate.
Royce Concordion LW (Los Angeles) – A defensive specialist without peer, Concordion is a victim of bad timing: his own. So obsessed is he about backchecking, that he’s often seen racing back into his own end while his teammates are headed the other way on a rush. Concordion has also been accused of being a dirty player whose favourite trick is to slew foot opposing players while they’re getting off the bus.
Mike DeLante RW/LW/WTF (Chicago) – DeLante is known for his blazing speed and wicked wrist shot. However his work ethic leaves something to be desired. The trainer has to dress him and he’s been known to coast on breakaways. He never climbs over the boards on a line shift; an assistant coach lifts him over. He’s so lazy he has other players spit for him. He’s so lazy autograph seekers sign his name. Why, he’s so lazy he only uses three fingers to high five.
Bill and the experts
(Dec. 27, 2011)
PBS is following the lead of HBO and moving into sports programming. It won’t be reality TV like 24/7, which is offering a behind-the-scenes look at the Philadelphia Flyers and the New York Rangers. Instead, over the next few months, PBS will be following the star-crossed Montreal Canadiens with veteran sportswriter Bill Shakespeare sitting down with various hockey experts to get their take on a franchise beset by controversy.
The network recently showed a clip from The Tempest’s first show, A Midwinter’s Nightmare, with hockey insider Puck.
Bill: Tell me, Puck, you’ve been covering this team for ages, what do you make of them in their current state? They fired their coach and assistant coach and installed a guy who can’t speak French and has yet to win in four tries.
Puck: Lord, what fools these mortals be! They wilfully themselves exile from light.
Bill: Of common sense?
Puck: Thou speak’st aright!
Bill: How are the fans handling it?
Puck: Now the hungry lion roars, And the wolf behowls the moon!
Bill: I’ve been to their website, I know what you mean.
Puck, you’ve been highly critical of the numerous line combinations the coaching staff has tried over the season, without any lasting success. You even made fun of it in a recent column, saying it had become a game within a game
Puck: As this their jangling I esteem a sport.
Bill: Don’t you mean juggling?
Puck: Jangling.
Bill: Okaaaay. I understand you’re impressed with the play of Cole.
Puck: Swifter than arrow from the Tartar’s bow!
Bill: What about the rest of the team?
Puck: A crew of Patches, rude mechanicals.
Bill: I also take it you’re not too happy with the attitude of some of the players.
Puck: What hempen home-spuns have we swagg’ring here!
Bill: Isn’t there the possibility that the team can turn it around, based on its history – what’s past is prologue, as they say? Judging by what you wrote yesterday, I gather you don’t think so, saying the players have become worn down from losing and no longer have confidence. You say the pressure is causing them to make mistake after mistake.
Puck: Their sense thus weak, lost with their fears thus strong, Made senseless things begin to do them wrong.
Bill: Thanks, Puck, for your candid if sometimes cryptic remarks. Let me ask one more time, because it means so much to the fans: Isn’t there any chance this team will get it going, that this is just all a bad dream?
Puck [shaking his head wearily, with a resigned look]: When thou wakest, with thine own fool’s eyes peep…
Bill: Hey, wait a minute, who are you calling a fool?
[At that point, the clip ended with Shakespeare reaching across and grabbing hold of Puck’s tie.]
Next week’s show, The Comedy of Errors, has Tempest host Shakespeare interviewing hockey analyst Dromio of Ephesus (cousin of Tie Dromio, ex-Leafus).
(Dec. 27, 2011)
PBS is following the lead of HBO and moving into sports programming. It won’t be reality TV like 24/7, which is offering a behind-the-scenes look at the Philadelphia Flyers and the New York Rangers. Instead, over the next few months, PBS will be following the star-crossed Montreal Canadiens with veteran sportswriter Bill Shakespeare sitting down with various hockey experts to get their take on a franchise beset by controversy.
The network recently showed a clip from The Tempest’s first show, A Midwinter’s Nightmare, with hockey insider Puck.
Bill: Tell me, Puck, you’ve been covering this team for ages, what do you make of them in their current state? They fired their coach and assistant coach and installed a guy who can’t speak French and has yet to win in four tries.
Puck: Lord, what fools these mortals be! They wilfully themselves exile from light.
Bill: Of common sense?
Puck: Thou speak’st aright!
Bill: How are the fans handling it?
Puck: Now the hungry lion roars, And the wolf behowls the moon!
Bill: I’ve been to their website, I know what you mean.
Puck, you’ve been highly critical of the numerous line combinations the coaching staff has tried over the season, without any lasting success. You even made fun of it in a recent column, saying it had become a game within a game
Puck: As this their jangling I esteem a sport.
Bill: Don’t you mean juggling?
Puck: Jangling.
Bill: Okaaaay. I understand you’re impressed with the play of Cole.
Puck: Swifter than arrow from the Tartar’s bow!
Bill: What about the rest of the team?
Puck: A crew of Patches, rude mechanicals.
Bill: I also take it you’re not too happy with the attitude of some of the players.
Puck: What hempen home-spuns have we swagg’ring here!
Bill: Isn’t there the possibility that the team can turn it around, based on its history – what’s past is prologue, as they say? Judging by what you wrote yesterday, I gather you don’t think so, saying the players have become worn down from losing and no longer have confidence. You say the pressure is causing them to make mistake after mistake.
Puck: Their sense thus weak, lost with their fears thus strong, Made senseless things begin to do them wrong.
Bill: Thanks, Puck, for your candid if sometimes cryptic remarks. Let me ask one more time, because it means so much to the fans: Isn’t there any chance this team will get it going, that this is just all a bad dream?
Puck [shaking his head wearily, with a resigned look]: When thou wakest, with thine own fool’s eyes peep…
Bill: Hey, wait a minute, who are you calling a fool?
[At that point, the clip ended with Shakespeare reaching across and grabbing hold of Puck’s tie.]
Next week’s show, The Comedy of Errors, has Tempest host Shakespeare interviewing hockey analyst Dromio of Ephesus (cousin of Tie Dromio, ex-Leafus).
This way lies madness -- or genius!
(8:15 a.m., Aug. 9, 2014)
A case can be made to keep fighting in the game.
(I'll pause a moment while you catch your breath.)
You'll find it in the pages of this month's Scientific American but don't stop there. Google Popular Science, National Post and other respectable sites*** and you'll arrive at the same conclusion, that there is a potential for good to come out of bare-knuckle exchanges, beyond their capacity to entertain.
How is this even possible? Well, as it turns out, you don't have to be a genius to get into fight -- but you could wind up being one after the fight's over.
All it takes is that you suffer some head trauma. If you're lucky the result is acquired savant syndrome – the ability to do something extraordinary that you were never capable of doing before, or even thought about doing.
Examples abound:
Jason Padgett, a college dropout, woke up a “mathematical marvel” after he was mugged.
After being struck by a baseball at age 10, Orlando Serrell could tell you the day of the week for any date you gave him.
Derek Amato suffered a severe concussion when he struck his head on concrete – then discovered he could play the piano like a virtuoso.
There are numerous other instances of acquired savant syndrome, enough to suggest that punch ups, albeit in the rarest of cases, could be salutary.
For that reason, I can see the NHL Players' Association doing its damndest to keep fighting part of hockey, if only to offer hope to the minimally talented that something glorious could await them with that one special blow to the noggin.
Just imagine, John Scott turning into a world-class miniaturist, Luke Gadzic being able to speak fluent Latin or Milan Lucic learning to play checkers – all because of a knuckle sandwich!
It's fare I wouldn't recommend for others but far be it from me to argue for the abolition of fighting in the NHL and deny its players the opportunity to set free their hidden better selves.
Today's enforcer, tomorrow's Mozart.
Flail away, then, brothers, flail away.
*** http://news.nationalpost.com/2014/04/23/from-head-injury-to-math-genius-on-savant-syndrome-and-the-possibility-of-a-little-rain-man-within-us-all/
*** http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-02/when-brain-damage-unlocks-genius-within
(8:15 a.m., Aug. 9, 2014)
A case can be made to keep fighting in the game.
(I'll pause a moment while you catch your breath.)
You'll find it in the pages of this month's Scientific American but don't stop there. Google Popular Science, National Post and other respectable sites*** and you'll arrive at the same conclusion, that there is a potential for good to come out of bare-knuckle exchanges, beyond their capacity to entertain.
How is this even possible? Well, as it turns out, you don't have to be a genius to get into fight -- but you could wind up being one after the fight's over.
All it takes is that you suffer some head trauma. If you're lucky the result is acquired savant syndrome – the ability to do something extraordinary that you were never capable of doing before, or even thought about doing.
Examples abound:
Jason Padgett, a college dropout, woke up a “mathematical marvel” after he was mugged.
After being struck by a baseball at age 10, Orlando Serrell could tell you the day of the week for any date you gave him.
Derek Amato suffered a severe concussion when he struck his head on concrete – then discovered he could play the piano like a virtuoso.
There are numerous other instances of acquired savant syndrome, enough to suggest that punch ups, albeit in the rarest of cases, could be salutary.
For that reason, I can see the NHL Players' Association doing its damndest to keep fighting part of hockey, if only to offer hope to the minimally talented that something glorious could await them with that one special blow to the noggin.
Just imagine, John Scott turning into a world-class miniaturist, Luke Gadzic being able to speak fluent Latin or Milan Lucic learning to play checkers – all because of a knuckle sandwich!
It's fare I wouldn't recommend for others but far be it from me to argue for the abolition of fighting in the NHL and deny its players the opportunity to set free their hidden better selves.
Today's enforcer, tomorrow's Mozart.
Flail away, then, brothers, flail away.
*** http://news.nationalpost.com/2014/04/23/from-head-injury-to-math-genius-on-savant-syndrome-and-the-possibility-of-a-little-rain-man-within-us-all/
*** http://www.popsci.com/science/article/2013-02/when-brain-damage-unlocks-genius-within
How to fight fighting in the NHL
(10:30 a.m. Aug. 8, 2014)
I share the angst many are feeling about the lack of toughness in the Canadiens lineup. There is an obvious paucity of pugilistic prowess that could prove the Habs' undoing in certain matches.
Without an enforcer to offer a retaliatory threat, the Habs will need to adopt certain strategies to pacify opponents.
Here are a few worth considering:
Wrestle – Why does it have to be a boxing match when tempers clash? Is it any less manly for two men to grapple, to go mano a mano with manos unfisted? In Desharnais' case, the specific advice would be to grab onto the opponent's knees and subdue them into submission.
Draw big, black glasses on visor or face – Isn't there an unwritten rule about not hitting a person with glasses? The Code is inviolable and must be obeyed.
Turtle – It's not what you think ... Okay, it is what you think, but don't be quick to pass judgement.
Yes, there is an argument to be made that turtling – offering no resistance to being pummelled -- is an ignominious response to provocation, however unwarranted, and thus a self-inflicted wound to one's manhood but the Canadiens could turn it into a spectacular bit of PR: Have the team declare before the season begins that all its players have been instructed to prostrate themselves on the ice when about to be assaulted ... in order to save an endangered species!
That's right. Because every time a Canadien turtles, the team will donate $1,000 to the Sea Turtle Conservancy!!! (Please excuse the exclamation marks but I'm pretty pumped about this suggestion! See!)
What better way to produce a feelgood moment out of something that is sordid – the desire to inflict harm on another human being.
Wouldn't it be strange if a league that isn't embarrassed by fighting could be shamed into taking stronger action to end the absurdity when players themselves begin taking a stand. Er, fall. For the turtles.
Dance – At the Canadiens home games, whenever two combatants appear set to have a go, start playing the Macarena. The Canadien player, necessarily, will have to make the first move, which, I believe, involves putting the right arm out in front, palm down, and then the left arm out, palm down, then flipping over the right hand, followed by the left ... you get the idea.
Talk about getting the crowd into it.
Spit – A punch to the head can cause a concussion whereas a large gob of mucus can deliver the same angry message without physical consequence (setting aside the remote possibility of passing on a communicable disease).
A fight is an assault but so is spitting, according to the law, and to the extent the league is comfortable with fisticuffs, it should show the same sort of indulgence with expectorating, and not overreact by imposing additional penalties.
I'd say the odds are good there would be no lawsuits in future by athletes alleging they're experiencing health problems because of spittle that landed on their face (again, the caveat about communicable disease and such.)
Now hockey players spit all the time, so there's a skill level that's been developed over time across the league, meaning none would be at a disadvantage in the settling of a dispute, even when there are marked differences in height and weight between expectorants (combatants who spit). Naturally, those capable of spectacular horks would have an edge in any tete-a-tete and would be given a wide berth. Such was the case years ago with notorious enforcer Reggie Phlegming.***
Turn both cheeks – Players strongly motivated to beat you silly do present a challenge but contrary to advice given in similar situations, here it would be wiser NOT to face the problem but to turn your back on it. There is sufficient protection afforded by today's sports armour that the risk of injury from blows administered from behind would be extremely low. (Unless, of course, the assailant is a Lucic, in which case the admonition would be to provide further protection by covering your rear with your hands. It might be good to cross your legs as well. And bend your knees to give less of a target. Forget it. Just turtle.)
Accept complicity – If you end up fighting, you're going to get a five-minute major, so why not head straight for the penalty box, when confronted by a fellow bent on duking it out. Saves a lot of wasted time waltzing about and, more importantly, eliminates the risk of injury. Let the referees figure what the penalty is -- and when they can't, return to the bench.
*** Not to be confused with the late Reggie Fleming, as tough a player as there ever was who, sadly, suffered many blows to the head in a career filled with fights and was later determined to have had chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reg_Fleming
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/hockey/reggie-flemings-story/article569019/
(10:30 a.m. Aug. 8, 2014)
I share the angst many are feeling about the lack of toughness in the Canadiens lineup. There is an obvious paucity of pugilistic prowess that could prove the Habs' undoing in certain matches.
Without an enforcer to offer a retaliatory threat, the Habs will need to adopt certain strategies to pacify opponents.
Here are a few worth considering:
Wrestle – Why does it have to be a boxing match when tempers clash? Is it any less manly for two men to grapple, to go mano a mano with manos unfisted? In Desharnais' case, the specific advice would be to grab onto the opponent's knees and subdue them into submission.
Draw big, black glasses on visor or face – Isn't there an unwritten rule about not hitting a person with glasses? The Code is inviolable and must be obeyed.
Turtle – It's not what you think ... Okay, it is what you think, but don't be quick to pass judgement.
Yes, there is an argument to be made that turtling – offering no resistance to being pummelled -- is an ignominious response to provocation, however unwarranted, and thus a self-inflicted wound to one's manhood but the Canadiens could turn it into a spectacular bit of PR: Have the team declare before the season begins that all its players have been instructed to prostrate themselves on the ice when about to be assaulted ... in order to save an endangered species!
That's right. Because every time a Canadien turtles, the team will donate $1,000 to the Sea Turtle Conservancy!!! (Please excuse the exclamation marks but I'm pretty pumped about this suggestion! See!)
What better way to produce a feelgood moment out of something that is sordid – the desire to inflict harm on another human being.
Wouldn't it be strange if a league that isn't embarrassed by fighting could be shamed into taking stronger action to end the absurdity when players themselves begin taking a stand. Er, fall. For the turtles.
Dance – At the Canadiens home games, whenever two combatants appear set to have a go, start playing the Macarena. The Canadien player, necessarily, will have to make the first move, which, I believe, involves putting the right arm out in front, palm down, and then the left arm out, palm down, then flipping over the right hand, followed by the left ... you get the idea.
Talk about getting the crowd into it.
Spit – A punch to the head can cause a concussion whereas a large gob of mucus can deliver the same angry message without physical consequence (setting aside the remote possibility of passing on a communicable disease).
A fight is an assault but so is spitting, according to the law, and to the extent the league is comfortable with fisticuffs, it should show the same sort of indulgence with expectorating, and not overreact by imposing additional penalties.
I'd say the odds are good there would be no lawsuits in future by athletes alleging they're experiencing health problems because of spittle that landed on their face (again, the caveat about communicable disease and such.)
Now hockey players spit all the time, so there's a skill level that's been developed over time across the league, meaning none would be at a disadvantage in the settling of a dispute, even when there are marked differences in height and weight between expectorants (combatants who spit). Naturally, those capable of spectacular horks would have an edge in any tete-a-tete and would be given a wide berth. Such was the case years ago with notorious enforcer Reggie Phlegming.***
Turn both cheeks – Players strongly motivated to beat you silly do present a challenge but contrary to advice given in similar situations, here it would be wiser NOT to face the problem but to turn your back on it. There is sufficient protection afforded by today's sports armour that the risk of injury from blows administered from behind would be extremely low. (Unless, of course, the assailant is a Lucic, in which case the admonition would be to provide further protection by covering your rear with your hands. It might be good to cross your legs as well. And bend your knees to give less of a target. Forget it. Just turtle.)
Accept complicity – If you end up fighting, you're going to get a five-minute major, so why not head straight for the penalty box, when confronted by a fellow bent on duking it out. Saves a lot of wasted time waltzing about and, more importantly, eliminates the risk of injury. Let the referees figure what the penalty is -- and when they can't, return to the bench.
*** Not to be confused with the late Reggie Fleming, as tough a player as there ever was who, sadly, suffered many blows to the head in a career filled with fights and was later determined to have had chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reg_Fleming
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/sports/hockey/reggie-flemings-story/article569019/
From the Vault:
Gone but not forgotten
(May 2012)
John Tortorella is a tart sort of fella
With reporters he’s often not civil
Which is fine in its way for he’s nothing to say
Except balderdash, nonsense and drivel
Now coach Peter DeBoer is a nice man for sure
With reporters his word’s on the level
He‘ll not take them to task for questions they ask
He’ll give them their due, not bedevil
Gone but not forgotten
(May 2012)
John Tortorella is a tart sort of fella
With reporters he’s often not civil
Which is fine in its way for he’s nothing to say
Except balderdash, nonsense and drivel
Now coach Peter DeBoer is a nice man for sure
With reporters his word’s on the level
He‘ll not take them to task for questions they ask
He’ll give them their due, not bedevil
Who's the best interviewer ever? Dunno
(9:20 a.m., Aug. 4, 2014)
Welcome to Sports Probe. I'm Milt Dunno, the guy who asks the penetrating questions, and the player I'll be probing today – hey, guys, can we work on a better intro? -- is Peter Budaj, goaltender with the Montreal Canadiens. Hi, Peter, I'm glad you could make it.
[They shake hands]
Budaj: Thanks for the invitation. It's nice to be wanted.
[Budaj takes a seat, with his legs crossed on the chair, and his hands resting in his lap.]
Dunno: You appear calm, Peter, but did I detect a hint of bitterness in what you just said? Is it because of what happened in the playoffs, when the Canadiens went with Tokarski after Price got hurt even though you had been his backup all season? Or is it because of all the speculation swirling around the team's plans for you? How do you cope with all that?
Budaj: Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Dunno: Gotcha. Still, does it bother you being a backup with the Canadiens and not getting to play more?
Budaj: To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.
Dunno: Wow, that's a strong statement, and an odd one, coming from a goalie who only gets to play every six, seven games. The rest of the time you're not doing a whole lot, apart from the practices. Does that make you a fool?
Budaj: All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.
Dunno: That's what you think. I'm not sure others feel the same way. Peter, everyone says you're a great teammate, who knows what his role is, and accepts what's expected of him. Do you feel like you're contributing to the team's success, playing such a limited role?
Budaj: Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.
Dunno: Not sure I follow, unless you're making a sly dig in Price's direction by suggesting he'd still be happy if you played more games. You're shaking your head. Okay. Maybe if you had said 'a single torch' instead of 'candle' I might have understood better. I do notice you take your time answering questions, Peter. Have you had other bad experiences when things you've said get misinterpreted?
Budaj: Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.
Dunno: Fair enough. Now, Peter, whenever I interview an athlete, I always ask him this same question: What are the biggest regrets so far in your career?
Budaj: There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way, and not starting.
Dunno: An honest answer, and I think that says something about your character, that you're willing to share that with us.
Let's move on to other stuff, starting with the Boston Bruins. That's quite a rivalry the two teams have, with no love lost between them. They're epic battles whenever they meet, especially in the playoffs. Your record against them is very good. What do you think of the Big, Bad Bruins?
Budaj: There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it.
Dunno: Uh oh, I can see the Bruins turning that into dressing room fodder. Sounds like you have a real hate on for Boston. That coul-what's that, you want to add something?
Budaj: Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace
Dunno [growing exasperated]: So you don't hate the Bruins? How can you not hate the Bruins?
Budaj: You will not be punished FOR your anger, you will be punished BY your anger. To understand everything is to forgive everything.
Dunno [voice rising]: Okay, now you're talking nonsense, Peter. All this other stuff you've been saying, these Budaj-isms, they make sense, I guess, but how can one understand everything. Impossible. Think of how long it would take to stuff your brain with knowledge.
Budaj: A jug fills drop by drop,
Dunno [screaming]: So what now, you're calling me a jughead?!!! Why you second-rate, second-string goaltender, now you've made me mad. Let's just find out who feels punished BY anger, you or me! [leaps from his seat and rushes over to Budaj and begins roughing him up and pulling his shirt over his head. Camera cuts to commercial.]
(9:20 a.m., Aug. 4, 2014)
Welcome to Sports Probe. I'm Milt Dunno, the guy who asks the penetrating questions, and the player I'll be probing today – hey, guys, can we work on a better intro? -- is Peter Budaj, goaltender with the Montreal Canadiens. Hi, Peter, I'm glad you could make it.
[They shake hands]
Budaj: Thanks for the invitation. It's nice to be wanted.
[Budaj takes a seat, with his legs crossed on the chair, and his hands resting in his lap.]
Dunno: You appear calm, Peter, but did I detect a hint of bitterness in what you just said? Is it because of what happened in the playoffs, when the Canadiens went with Tokarski after Price got hurt even though you had been his backup all season? Or is it because of all the speculation swirling around the team's plans for you? How do you cope with all that?
Budaj: Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Dunno: Gotcha. Still, does it bother you being a backup with the Canadiens and not getting to play more?
Budaj: To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.
Dunno: Wow, that's a strong statement, and an odd one, coming from a goalie who only gets to play every six, seven games. The rest of the time you're not doing a whole lot, apart from the practices. Does that make you a fool?
Budaj: All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.
Dunno: That's what you think. I'm not sure others feel the same way. Peter, everyone says you're a great teammate, who knows what his role is, and accepts what's expected of him. Do you feel like you're contributing to the team's success, playing such a limited role?
Budaj: Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.
Dunno: Not sure I follow, unless you're making a sly dig in Price's direction by suggesting he'd still be happy if you played more games. You're shaking your head. Okay. Maybe if you had said 'a single torch' instead of 'candle' I might have understood better. I do notice you take your time answering questions, Peter. Have you had other bad experiences when things you've said get misinterpreted?
Budaj: Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.
Dunno: Fair enough. Now, Peter, whenever I interview an athlete, I always ask him this same question: What are the biggest regrets so far in your career?
Budaj: There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: not going all the way, and not starting.
Dunno: An honest answer, and I think that says something about your character, that you're willing to share that with us.
Let's move on to other stuff, starting with the Boston Bruins. That's quite a rivalry the two teams have, with no love lost between them. They're epic battles whenever they meet, especially in the playoffs. Your record against them is very good. What do you think of the Big, Bad Bruins?
Budaj: There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it.
Dunno: Uh oh, I can see the Bruins turning that into dressing room fodder. Sounds like you have a real hate on for Boston. That coul-what's that, you want to add something?
Budaj: Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace
Dunno [growing exasperated]: So you don't hate the Bruins? How can you not hate the Bruins?
Budaj: You will not be punished FOR your anger, you will be punished BY your anger. To understand everything is to forgive everything.
Dunno [voice rising]: Okay, now you're talking nonsense, Peter. All this other stuff you've been saying, these Budaj-isms, they make sense, I guess, but how can one understand everything. Impossible. Think of how long it would take to stuff your brain with knowledge.
Budaj: A jug fills drop by drop,
Dunno [screaming]: So what now, you're calling me a jughead?!!! Why you second-rate, second-string goaltender, now you've made me mad. Let's just find out who feels punished BY anger, you or me! [leaps from his seat and rushes over to Budaj and begins roughing him up and pulling his shirt over his head. Camera cuts to commercial.]
From The Vault: Therrien named coach. Oyy!
(June 2012)
Supplicant: Highly Intelligent One, answer me this. Did the Montreal Canadiens make a big mistake hiring Michel Therrien as their coach?
HIO: How was the traffic? Light? No? Heavy? That’s what I thought – because you’re the 1,500th person to ask me that question today. Isn’t there a Stanley Cup final being played somewhere? Okay, here’s what I told the others: All will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Supplicant: Look, I travelled 150 miles, stood in line for three hours, bought a chintzy souvenir so I’d have somethin’ to take back to the wife, forked out six bucks for an overdone burrito – and this is the best you can do? ‘All will be revealed in the fullness of time?’ Are you channelling Darren Dreger?
HIO: Mock not The Insider. He knows whereof he speaks. Highly Intelligent he’s not. Only I can make that claim. But he’s only a couple of rungs below on the Ladder of Enlightenment, at Reasonably Intelligent. But in answer to your question, no, I am not channelling Darren Dreger. It rained last night and it screwed up the satellite. But I need not the words of another to arrive at the truth: All will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Supplicant [looking down at a ticket pinned on his shirt that reads Supplicant 1523]: Supplicant? It should read: Sucker! Humour me, then, what is meant by “fullness of time”?
HIO: Three years tops. As far as Therrien goes. After that he’s gone. Such is the way of the Canadiens.
Supplicant: Okay, so go back to my original question, was it a big mistake to hire him?
HIO: Who am I to say? And why now? If I say yes, will that not colour your thinking when the new season starts? Every game you’ll be watching for evidence the Canadiens screwed up. Watching the game – yet not watching the game. And the reason you began watching hockey – to enjoy the sport you grew up loving – will have long been forgotten. Is that what you want? A pair of glasses to see shadows where none exist?
And if I say no, the Canadiens did NOT make a big mistake bringing back Therrien, you’ll call me a charlatan – sorry, CHarlatan; (don’t mind me, that’s for the person who transcribes my utterances) – when the team fails to win its division next season. So what if it moves up three spots, even four spots but still misses the playoffs. You’ll pull your hair, tell the wife she looks fat in the red dress, and curse cashiers talking on cellphones. All because you thought the team would make the post-season Therrien’s first year back. Now that would be a big mistake – on your part.
Supplicant: Highly Intelligent One, your words ring true. I was wrong to question your wisdom. I will be patient and let events unfold as they must, and draw what comfort I can when things go well. Just one more question, if I may?
HIO: You may.
Supplicant: Could you validate my parking? I did buy a souvenir.
HIO: Tell Delores to stamp your hand on the way out
(June 2012)
Supplicant: Highly Intelligent One, answer me this. Did the Montreal Canadiens make a big mistake hiring Michel Therrien as their coach?
HIO: How was the traffic? Light? No? Heavy? That’s what I thought – because you’re the 1,500th person to ask me that question today. Isn’t there a Stanley Cup final being played somewhere? Okay, here’s what I told the others: All will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Supplicant: Look, I travelled 150 miles, stood in line for three hours, bought a chintzy souvenir so I’d have somethin’ to take back to the wife, forked out six bucks for an overdone burrito – and this is the best you can do? ‘All will be revealed in the fullness of time?’ Are you channelling Darren Dreger?
HIO: Mock not The Insider. He knows whereof he speaks. Highly Intelligent he’s not. Only I can make that claim. But he’s only a couple of rungs below on the Ladder of Enlightenment, at Reasonably Intelligent. But in answer to your question, no, I am not channelling Darren Dreger. It rained last night and it screwed up the satellite. But I need not the words of another to arrive at the truth: All will be revealed in the fullness of time.
Supplicant [looking down at a ticket pinned on his shirt that reads Supplicant 1523]: Supplicant? It should read: Sucker! Humour me, then, what is meant by “fullness of time”?
HIO: Three years tops. As far as Therrien goes. After that he’s gone. Such is the way of the Canadiens.
Supplicant: Okay, so go back to my original question, was it a big mistake to hire him?
HIO: Who am I to say? And why now? If I say yes, will that not colour your thinking when the new season starts? Every game you’ll be watching for evidence the Canadiens screwed up. Watching the game – yet not watching the game. And the reason you began watching hockey – to enjoy the sport you grew up loving – will have long been forgotten. Is that what you want? A pair of glasses to see shadows where none exist?
And if I say no, the Canadiens did NOT make a big mistake bringing back Therrien, you’ll call me a charlatan – sorry, CHarlatan; (don’t mind me, that’s for the person who transcribes my utterances) – when the team fails to win its division next season. So what if it moves up three spots, even four spots but still misses the playoffs. You’ll pull your hair, tell the wife she looks fat in the red dress, and curse cashiers talking on cellphones. All because you thought the team would make the post-season Therrien’s first year back. Now that would be a big mistake – on your part.
Supplicant: Highly Intelligent One, your words ring true. I was wrong to question your wisdom. I will be patient and let events unfold as they must, and draw what comfort I can when things go well. Just one more question, if I may?
HIO: You may.
Supplicant: Could you validate my parking? I did buy a souvenir.
HIO: Tell Delores to stamp your hand on the way out
From The Vault: Quit your moaning, losers
(June 2012)
Milt Dunno here, hockey pucks, with another one-minute face wash, this week directed at Montreal Canadien fans. I’ve got one word for you bunch of losers: screwyou!
That’s the way I feel after all the whining, groaning, bitching, and grousing I heard yesterday after Michel Therrien was announced as the team’s new coach. You’d made it sound as if you had been run into a stanchion. Well, that woulda been too good for you crybabies!
Give the man a break! Sure his first time around was only comme ci comme ça comme so-so, but he’s changed over time. Like we all do. Believe it or not, I started out a loudmouth smart ass in a turtleneck who thought he knew it all. Today I wear a tie.
But all you whiners want to do is keep draggin’ up that incident in Pittsburgh when he “threw the players under the bus.” Well, you moaners are no different. You’re throwin’ Therrien under the band wagon before he’s even had a chance to screw up.
Doesn’t make sense. Bergevin got to enjoy a honeymoon. His man doesn’t even get a wedding toast.
The problem is, Therrien isn’t the guy a lot of people were hoping would be named coach.
The Saint he Ain’t.
As good as Hartley? Hardly.
Carbo? Neau.
Crawford? What about Crawford? Sure, he won a Cup, yeah, he’s been Coach of the Year, and he’s got a great smile, but that hair?! C’mon, is that the hair of a Canadiens’ coach? As Harry Neale would say, it looks like he combs it with a grenade.
Now, Therrien, he’s got the look of a common man, and that’s what Montreal needs right now. Someone who can remind these millionaires they have to WORK for a living, not just put on a uniform and look good.
Okay, so he’s a retread but there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s a retread but something made new again. Sounds like the right sort of plan for the Canadiens these days.
Who knows, if all goes well, if the stars align, maybe by the time Therrien’s done, with a Cup or two to his credit, there will be a few more Canadien numbers to retire.
Yeah, I know, it’s a stretch. But you’re still a bunch of sob suckers!
There’s the buzzer. I’m outta here.
(June 2012)
Milt Dunno here, hockey pucks, with another one-minute face wash, this week directed at Montreal Canadien fans. I’ve got one word for you bunch of losers: screwyou!
That’s the way I feel after all the whining, groaning, bitching, and grousing I heard yesterday after Michel Therrien was announced as the team’s new coach. You’d made it sound as if you had been run into a stanchion. Well, that woulda been too good for you crybabies!
Give the man a break! Sure his first time around was only comme ci comme ça comme so-so, but he’s changed over time. Like we all do. Believe it or not, I started out a loudmouth smart ass in a turtleneck who thought he knew it all. Today I wear a tie.
But all you whiners want to do is keep draggin’ up that incident in Pittsburgh when he “threw the players under the bus.” Well, you moaners are no different. You’re throwin’ Therrien under the band wagon before he’s even had a chance to screw up.
Doesn’t make sense. Bergevin got to enjoy a honeymoon. His man doesn’t even get a wedding toast.
The problem is, Therrien isn’t the guy a lot of people were hoping would be named coach.
The Saint he Ain’t.
As good as Hartley? Hardly.
Carbo? Neau.
Crawford? What about Crawford? Sure, he won a Cup, yeah, he’s been Coach of the Year, and he’s got a great smile, but that hair?! C’mon, is that the hair of a Canadiens’ coach? As Harry Neale would say, it looks like he combs it with a grenade.
Now, Therrien, he’s got the look of a common man, and that’s what Montreal needs right now. Someone who can remind these millionaires they have to WORK for a living, not just put on a uniform and look good.
Okay, so he’s a retread but there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s a retread but something made new again. Sounds like the right sort of plan for the Canadiens these days.
Who knows, if all goes well, if the stars align, maybe by the time Therrien’s done, with a Cup or two to his credit, there will be a few more Canadien numbers to retire.
Yeah, I know, it’s a stretch. But you’re still a bunch of sob suckers!
There’s the buzzer. I’m outta here.
Paving the way for the extinction of goons
(July 4, 2014)
Pursuant to extended conversations that have been taking place about enforcers, this team doesn't need one to keep opponents in line.
What it needs is a litigator. A player trained as a lawyer who will file a lawsuit at the drop of a hat. Or glove.
Same thing with a sideways glance or muttered oath.
A guy whose attitude is: “You so much as nudge me from behind, get a stick up around my waist, give me a love tap that wouldn't bruise a butterfly, or show me so much as a stink eye, we're going to go toe-to-toe, fella. In court.”
Yep, that's the player this team could really use. Someone willing to take on the thug who's laying out nasty hits, by responding with a bunch of writs.
Think the league, with its rulebooks and referees, will keep the goons from being taken to court? Not a chance
As soon as the judge hearing the application to sue is told about the league's prolonged and persistent failure to uphold its own rules, thereby putting the health and safety of players at risk, he'll realize he's dealing with a group that's corruptus in extremis and needs to be dealt with harshly.
Take the plaintiff, Joe Soefatt. In the past four years, he's been slashed 43 times, cross-checked 67 times, speared in the groin once, and had his head pile driven into the glass three times -- suffering three broken fingers, a ruptured testicle, a pair of concussions, and numerous bruises. And none of the perpetrators has ever spent an hour behind bars or paid the victim compensation. And they get to keep playing.
So is a six-foot-three goon wearing the bleu-blanc-et-rouge going to stop any of that happening against one of his teammates? Not a chance. But give me a guy who's five-foot-nine who knows his way around Canadian/American law and is not afraid to use it, well, you'd see a lot cleaner game being played.
Look at how much the league's financial health has improved since it hired a lawyer as commissioner. You put a lawyer in every clubhouse, all that tomfoolery on the ice will come to an end.
Who cares if the lawyers don't back check. Just as long as they can fact check.
I hope the Canadiens do it, put a player/lawyer on their roster, to make a statement.
A statement of claim.
(July 4, 2014)
Pursuant to extended conversations that have been taking place about enforcers, this team doesn't need one to keep opponents in line.
What it needs is a litigator. A player trained as a lawyer who will file a lawsuit at the drop of a hat. Or glove.
Same thing with a sideways glance or muttered oath.
A guy whose attitude is: “You so much as nudge me from behind, get a stick up around my waist, give me a love tap that wouldn't bruise a butterfly, or show me so much as a stink eye, we're going to go toe-to-toe, fella. In court.”
Yep, that's the player this team could really use. Someone willing to take on the thug who's laying out nasty hits, by responding with a bunch of writs.
Think the league, with its rulebooks and referees, will keep the goons from being taken to court? Not a chance
As soon as the judge hearing the application to sue is told about the league's prolonged and persistent failure to uphold its own rules, thereby putting the health and safety of players at risk, he'll realize he's dealing with a group that's corruptus in extremis and needs to be dealt with harshly.
Take the plaintiff, Joe Soefatt. In the past four years, he's been slashed 43 times, cross-checked 67 times, speared in the groin once, and had his head pile driven into the glass three times -- suffering three broken fingers, a ruptured testicle, a pair of concussions, and numerous bruises. And none of the perpetrators has ever spent an hour behind bars or paid the victim compensation. And they get to keep playing.
So is a six-foot-three goon wearing the bleu-blanc-et-rouge going to stop any of that happening against one of his teammates? Not a chance. But give me a guy who's five-foot-nine who knows his way around Canadian/American law and is not afraid to use it, well, you'd see a lot cleaner game being played.
Look at how much the league's financial health has improved since it hired a lawyer as commissioner. You put a lawyer in every clubhouse, all that tomfoolery on the ice will come to an end.
Who cares if the lawyers don't back check. Just as long as they can fact check.
I hope the Canadiens do it, put a player/lawyer on their roster, to make a statement.
A statement of claim.
Enough with the goonery, already
(June 21, 2014)
This just might work:
If you're like me – too bad about the weight problem – you've grown exasperated with the National Hockey League's inability/unwillingness to curb inexcusable behaviour by some players that is a detriment to the good health of others. You know who I mean, I don't need to name names (which, quite frankly, given the poor state of my memory, I would be unable to provide in any event).
If the officials won't uphold the rules the way they should be enforced, if the league won't administer supplemental justice to the degree required to serve as a deterrent to thuggery (pusillanimous responses to on-ice, over-the-top transgressions that came to be known as shanahanigans), and if the players, through their association, won't do anything to protect themselves from acts of violence by their brethren, which properly should be labelled 'hooligan plays', then, once again, it will be left to the media to effect change. As it has done in the past to great purpose, in bringing about much-needed societal reform, in areas such as public health, governance, labour, education, and so on.
I'm not talking about launching a massive campaign lobbying for the NHL to clean up its act. It's shown itself impervious to pleas that have grown hoarse demanding it exercise common sense and decency.
No, the answer lies with Pierre McGuire, Glenn Healey and their ilk.
Don't place them between the players benches during broadcasts, put them where they can actually have a positive impact on the game: in the penalty box.
Let them interview players serving time for infractions. Two minutes, five minutes, it will seem like an eternity to the interrogated parties.
McGuire: So, Bob, that head check to Grousky, it's really put your team in a tough spot, especially as it was on a power play with the team down a goal, and it happened well behind the play. Thoughts?
Healey: Well, idiot, that's your third penalty of the game – and we're still in the first period. That's impressive – if you hang out with nitwits. So, how exactly, does a cross-check to the other team's smallest player behind – BEHIND – their net – THEIR NET -- help your club? Did you flunk hockey school? Did you even attend? Why don't do you something useful and write out lines, your team's and the other's, 500 times.
McGuire: Pete, growing up in Middle Brow, north Saskatchewan, population 217, and suffering a broken leg playing chicken with a Canada goose at the age of four which has affected your skating style, how have you coped playing in New York, population 8.4 million, in front of fans who boo you mercilessly whenever you cough up the puck, which, to be honest, Pete, seems to be happening more and more these OHHHH, the Canadiens just scored!!! Pete, you can answer the question the next time you're here. See you in the third.
If that doesn't put an end to the goonery in the National Hockey League in short order, well, it's a lost cause.
I might have to start watching poker.
(June 21, 2014)
This just might work:
If you're like me – too bad about the weight problem – you've grown exasperated with the National Hockey League's inability/unwillingness to curb inexcusable behaviour by some players that is a detriment to the good health of others. You know who I mean, I don't need to name names (which, quite frankly, given the poor state of my memory, I would be unable to provide in any event).
If the officials won't uphold the rules the way they should be enforced, if the league won't administer supplemental justice to the degree required to serve as a deterrent to thuggery (pusillanimous responses to on-ice, over-the-top transgressions that came to be known as shanahanigans), and if the players, through their association, won't do anything to protect themselves from acts of violence by their brethren, which properly should be labelled 'hooligan plays', then, once again, it will be left to the media to effect change. As it has done in the past to great purpose, in bringing about much-needed societal reform, in areas such as public health, governance, labour, education, and so on.
I'm not talking about launching a massive campaign lobbying for the NHL to clean up its act. It's shown itself impervious to pleas that have grown hoarse demanding it exercise common sense and decency.
No, the answer lies with Pierre McGuire, Glenn Healey and their ilk.
Don't place them between the players benches during broadcasts, put them where they can actually have a positive impact on the game: in the penalty box.
Let them interview players serving time for infractions. Two minutes, five minutes, it will seem like an eternity to the interrogated parties.
McGuire: So, Bob, that head check to Grousky, it's really put your team in a tough spot, especially as it was on a power play with the team down a goal, and it happened well behind the play. Thoughts?
Healey: Well, idiot, that's your third penalty of the game – and we're still in the first period. That's impressive – if you hang out with nitwits. So, how exactly, does a cross-check to the other team's smallest player behind – BEHIND – their net – THEIR NET -- help your club? Did you flunk hockey school? Did you even attend? Why don't do you something useful and write out lines, your team's and the other's, 500 times.
McGuire: Pete, growing up in Middle Brow, north Saskatchewan, population 217, and suffering a broken leg playing chicken with a Canada goose at the age of four which has affected your skating style, how have you coped playing in New York, population 8.4 million, in front of fans who boo you mercilessly whenever you cough up the puck, which, to be honest, Pete, seems to be happening more and more these OHHHH, the Canadiens just scored!!! Pete, you can answer the question the next time you're here. See you in the third.
If that doesn't put an end to the goonery in the National Hockey League in short order, well, it's a lost cause.
I might have to start watching poker.
NHL says Canadiens followed protocol
(June 7, 2013)
New York – The National Hockey League has come to the defence of the Montreal Canadiens, saying the team acted properly when it allowed one of its players to return to action minutes after having appeared to suffer a concussion.
“The league has a protocol all teams must follow when a player is struck in the head or rammed into the boards head first, and Montreal did that in the case of Dale Weise,” NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said.
The Canadiens forward was knocked woozy on an illegal hit to the head by New York Ranger John Moore in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference final. Moore was given a five-minute major and a game misconduct.
Weise had to be held up by teammate PK Subban when it seemed he was about to fall after getting to his feet and staggering. He left the game to be checked out by the team's doctor and returned to the bench less than 10 minutes later to resume playing a regular shift.
The team has come under criticism for its handling of Weise, who was unable to play the next game and was subsequently diagnosed as having suffered a concussion.
“It's unfortunate Mr. Weise was injured but the team's medical staff cleared him for action based on a system of stringent procedures the league has developed to protect the health of its players,” Bettman said.
Director of player safety Stephane Quintal explained what the new rules are to prevent a player risking further harm by ill-advisedly going back into the game after being seriously hurt.
“A player who is dizzy, confused, slurring his speech and complaining of ringing in his ears isn't necessarily showing signs of brain trauma,” Quintal said. “Those are some of the same traits exhibited by fourth-liners.”
He said a series of increasingly difficult tests is administered to determine whether or not the player is fit to return to the bench.
Quintal declined to go into detail but Faux Sports has obtained a video of Weise's 'quiet room' session, making public for the first time that the league records all such examinations -- “for legal reasons,” Quintal said later.
The video begins with Weise being led into the room and ordered to sit on the exam table. Weise does, on his third try, makes himself comfortable, sticks out his tongue and goes 'Ahhh.'
Doctor: Dale, that's not necessary.
Weise: Ohhhh.
Doctor: Dale, what is your name?
Weise: Unhhh?
Doctor (speaking slowly): Dale, what is your name? Tell me your name, Dale. Do you understand what I'm asking, Dale? Do you? Do you, Dale? What is your name?
(Weise starts barking, and, alternately, frantically taking deep breaths)
Doctor (puzzled, talks it over with the trainer, trying to figure out what's going on)
He's behaving ... like a dog ... who's gasping for ... I GOT IT! HE'S AN AIREDALE! (checks off Weise passing the first test, while the forward scratches the back of his ear with his left foot).
Doctor: Okay, Dale – you had us worried there for a second, heh heh – here's the next question. (Holds up his right hand, clenched, with two fingers sticking up). How many fingers?
Weise: Five.
Doctor (to the trainer): He's right you, know. (Holds up his hand) I do have five. (Checks off Weise passing the second test).
Okay, Dale, I want you to say this backwards: A Toyota's a Toyota.
Weise: A Toyota's a Toyota
Doctor: Well done, Dale, well done. You've passed the test (pats him on the head, wipes off the foam flowing out from each side of his mouth, and puts his jaw back in place).
Weise (rubs chin, jaw, sides of face, forehead). Thanks, doc. Say, why do they call this the quiet room?
Doctor: They didn't tell you on the way in?
Weise: No. Tell me what?
Doctor: That you stay quiet about what happened in here, okay? Got it?
Weise: Sure thing, doc. You can count–HOWWWWWLLLL! -- on me.
(June 7, 2013)
New York – The National Hockey League has come to the defence of the Montreal Canadiens, saying the team acted properly when it allowed one of its players to return to action minutes after having appeared to suffer a concussion.
“The league has a protocol all teams must follow when a player is struck in the head or rammed into the boards head first, and Montreal did that in the case of Dale Weise,” NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said.
The Canadiens forward was knocked woozy on an illegal hit to the head by New York Ranger John Moore in the fifth game of the Eastern Conference final. Moore was given a five-minute major and a game misconduct.
Weise had to be held up by teammate PK Subban when it seemed he was about to fall after getting to his feet and staggering. He left the game to be checked out by the team's doctor and returned to the bench less than 10 minutes later to resume playing a regular shift.
The team has come under criticism for its handling of Weise, who was unable to play the next game and was subsequently diagnosed as having suffered a concussion.
“It's unfortunate Mr. Weise was injured but the team's medical staff cleared him for action based on a system of stringent procedures the league has developed to protect the health of its players,” Bettman said.
Director of player safety Stephane Quintal explained what the new rules are to prevent a player risking further harm by ill-advisedly going back into the game after being seriously hurt.
“A player who is dizzy, confused, slurring his speech and complaining of ringing in his ears isn't necessarily showing signs of brain trauma,” Quintal said. “Those are some of the same traits exhibited by fourth-liners.”
He said a series of increasingly difficult tests is administered to determine whether or not the player is fit to return to the bench.
Quintal declined to go into detail but Faux Sports has obtained a video of Weise's 'quiet room' session, making public for the first time that the league records all such examinations -- “for legal reasons,” Quintal said later.
The video begins with Weise being led into the room and ordered to sit on the exam table. Weise does, on his third try, makes himself comfortable, sticks out his tongue and goes 'Ahhh.'
Doctor: Dale, that's not necessary.
Weise: Ohhhh.
Doctor: Dale, what is your name?
Weise: Unhhh?
Doctor (speaking slowly): Dale, what is your name? Tell me your name, Dale. Do you understand what I'm asking, Dale? Do you? Do you, Dale? What is your name?
(Weise starts barking, and, alternately, frantically taking deep breaths)
Doctor (puzzled, talks it over with the trainer, trying to figure out what's going on)
He's behaving ... like a dog ... who's gasping for ... I GOT IT! HE'S AN AIREDALE! (checks off Weise passing the first test, while the forward scratches the back of his ear with his left foot).
Doctor: Okay, Dale – you had us worried there for a second, heh heh – here's the next question. (Holds up his right hand, clenched, with two fingers sticking up). How many fingers?
Weise: Five.
Doctor (to the trainer): He's right you, know. (Holds up his hand) I do have five. (Checks off Weise passing the second test).
Okay, Dale, I want you to say this backwards: A Toyota's a Toyota.
Weise: A Toyota's a Toyota
Doctor: Well done, Dale, well done. You've passed the test (pats him on the head, wipes off the foam flowing out from each side of his mouth, and puts his jaw back in place).
Weise (rubs chin, jaw, sides of face, forehead). Thanks, doc. Say, why do they call this the quiet room?
Doctor: They didn't tell you on the way in?
Weise: No. Tell me what?
Doctor: That you stay quiet about what happened in here, okay? Got it?
Weise: Sure thing, doc. You can count–HOWWWWWLLLL! -- on me.
The Frog Prince
(May 17 2014)
Once upon a time there was a frog prince whose name was Carey.
He was a big frog in a small pond but Carey wasn't happy. He hadn't been for several years, not since he and his subjects were roughed up by barbarians from another part of the woods.
Carey and his tadpoles, as he affectionately liked to call them, had put up a good fight against the bullyfrogs but others saw it differently and said they had croaked.
Despondent over being defeated and dissed, Carrie seemed to shrink in size, as if he wanted to retreat from the worries of the world by growing smaller. A lot of insects got past him after that, especially ones that flew over his shoulders. Whispers grew that his positioning was all wrong -- “He's crouching too low! He's making himself small!” -- and that he couldn't snag the big ones when it counted the most.
One day while he was sunning himself on a lily pad – 'Warm, man' was his favourite bit of advice to his tadpoles – he was startled by a sudden noise overhead. He looked up and a saw a tiny tree frog losing its balance and about to fall onto a rock at the edge of the pond.
Carey arose from his crouch and stretched his body to its full length and then shot out his tongue to latch onto the tree frog. He gently deposited it on the shore, none the worse for wear.
“Nice save,” said the tree frog ever so grateful.
“Thanks,” replied Carey, a bit bashfully. He wasn't one to make a fuss about himself. “What happened? Lose your grip?”
“No,” said the tree frog. “I did it on purpose. I knew you would catch me. I just wanted to make a point.”
Carey grew angry.
“You didn't fall on purpose! You lost your balance! I saw you!” Carey said loudly. “You tree frogs are all alike. You can't tell the truth, only lies. You're fibuous!”
“I am fibuous?” the tree frog replied with a smile. “No, what I said wasn't a fib. I've been watching you for a long time from up in the tree, thinking, 'He's good, but he could be better, even great, if only someone showed him what needs to be done.' That someone is me. And you just proved it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“To be great, you have to make yourself bigger, let nothing get by you. Sit tall. (We're frogs, after all.) And when the moment arrives and that big ole dragonfly goes whizzing by, you need to rise to the occasion and haul that beauty in. Just like you did with me.”
Price said nothing, deep in thought. Maybe what the tree frog said was true. Then he remembered his cousin who could really belt out the tunes and had dreams of getting into show business but when it came time to perform he choked. He croaked, not crooned.
Carey didn't want that to happen to him. Be humiliated in public.
He thought a little more. How satisfying can it be to live out the rest of your life in a small pond never testing the limits of what you can do?
To be a frog on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
Worse, to be a frog without dreams on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
A frog without dreams, just a lump on a bump on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
A frog without dreams, no hope, even schemes, just a lump on a bump on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
“Ribbit!” Carey yelled. “I mean, Screw it! It's time to go for glory!”
He grew so excited he kissed the tree frog on the head.
Poof! The tree frog turned into a personal mentor.
“Who are you?” Carey asked, stunned by what he had wrought.
The only time that had happened before was the night he kissed Suzy whose knees turned to jelly.
“I'm your new coach,” the tree frog said, “and we've got a lot a work to do. Starting with those bullyfrogs.”
The tree frog was as good as his word. A frog possessed, Carey led his tadpoles into battle and dispatched their hated rivals.
“No time to take it easy, Carey,” said his personal mentor, snatching a fly in mid-air and gulping it down. Old habits die hard.
“What do you mean?” Carey asked.
“We haven't finished. A big prize awaits. And all you have to do is topple a King,” the mentor smiled.
“And then a bunch of Kings.”
(May 17 2014)
Once upon a time there was a frog prince whose name was Carey.
He was a big frog in a small pond but Carey wasn't happy. He hadn't been for several years, not since he and his subjects were roughed up by barbarians from another part of the woods.
Carey and his tadpoles, as he affectionately liked to call them, had put up a good fight against the bullyfrogs but others saw it differently and said they had croaked.
Despondent over being defeated and dissed, Carrie seemed to shrink in size, as if he wanted to retreat from the worries of the world by growing smaller. A lot of insects got past him after that, especially ones that flew over his shoulders. Whispers grew that his positioning was all wrong -- “He's crouching too low! He's making himself small!” -- and that he couldn't snag the big ones when it counted the most.
One day while he was sunning himself on a lily pad – 'Warm, man' was his favourite bit of advice to his tadpoles – he was startled by a sudden noise overhead. He looked up and a saw a tiny tree frog losing its balance and about to fall onto a rock at the edge of the pond.
Carey arose from his crouch and stretched his body to its full length and then shot out his tongue to latch onto the tree frog. He gently deposited it on the shore, none the worse for wear.
“Nice save,” said the tree frog ever so grateful.
“Thanks,” replied Carey, a bit bashfully. He wasn't one to make a fuss about himself. “What happened? Lose your grip?”
“No,” said the tree frog. “I did it on purpose. I knew you would catch me. I just wanted to make a point.”
Carey grew angry.
“You didn't fall on purpose! You lost your balance! I saw you!” Carey said loudly. “You tree frogs are all alike. You can't tell the truth, only lies. You're fibuous!”
“I am fibuous?” the tree frog replied with a smile. “No, what I said wasn't a fib. I've been watching you for a long time from up in the tree, thinking, 'He's good, but he could be better, even great, if only someone showed him what needs to be done.' That someone is me. And you just proved it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“To be great, you have to make yourself bigger, let nothing get by you. Sit tall. (We're frogs, after all.) And when the moment arrives and that big ole dragonfly goes whizzing by, you need to rise to the occasion and haul that beauty in. Just like you did with me.”
Price said nothing, deep in thought. Maybe what the tree frog said was true. Then he remembered his cousin who could really belt out the tunes and had dreams of getting into show business but when it came time to perform he choked. He croaked, not crooned.
Carey didn't want that to happen to him. Be humiliated in public.
He thought a little more. How satisfying can it be to live out the rest of your life in a small pond never testing the limits of what you can do?
To be a frog on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
Worse, to be a frog without dreams on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
A frog without dreams, just a lump on a bump on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
A frog without dreams, no hope, even schemes, just a lump on a bump on a log in a hole filled with water in the middle of the woods.
“Ribbit!” Carey yelled. “I mean, Screw it! It's time to go for glory!”
He grew so excited he kissed the tree frog on the head.
Poof! The tree frog turned into a personal mentor.
“Who are you?” Carey asked, stunned by what he had wrought.
The only time that had happened before was the night he kissed Suzy whose knees turned to jelly.
“I'm your new coach,” the tree frog said, “and we've got a lot a work to do. Starting with those bullyfrogs.”
The tree frog was as good as his word. A frog possessed, Carey led his tadpoles into battle and dispatched their hated rivals.
“No time to take it easy, Carey,” said his personal mentor, snatching a fly in mid-air and gulping it down. Old habits die hard.
“What do you mean?” Carey asked.
“We haven't finished. A big prize awaits. And all you have to do is topple a King,” the mentor smiled.
“And then a bunch of Kings.”
Don't Be Nice When On the Ice
(May 16, 2014)
Just finished Lucic’s second children’s book, which is getting a lot more attention these days: Don’t Be Nice When On the Ice.
Pseudo-Seussy, but very much Lucy.
A bop on the head with a stick can be fun
Or a hit from behind if you take a run
Shove a face in the glass it’s good for a laugh
But do it with vigour, don’t do it by half
A goalie who gambles and chases the puck
Make him deeply regret ever trying his luck
If a guy knocks you down that you couldn’t evade
Leave him neutered for life with the tip of your blade
If you do score a goal with no minder in net
Act like it’s the first — or the last one you’ll get
Pound on your chest and make a roar like an ape
Put on a big scowl, bend your face out of shape
If you’re feeling rambunctious here’s what to do
Start up a fight — with someone smaller than you
But if a big guy it is who wants you to tussle
Decline with regret: ‘I’ve just pulled a muscle!’
And when it's all over, the other team’s won
Release all your anger for what it has done
Say nothing about congrats, but threaten each man
A nice little touch — blow your nose in your hand
So that, boys and girls, is what you do on the ice
Show no one respect and don’t ever play nice
Think of yourself, don’t worry about others
When you grow up ... you’ll be one of us mothers
(May 16, 2014)
Just finished Lucic’s second children’s book, which is getting a lot more attention these days: Don’t Be Nice When On the Ice.
Pseudo-Seussy, but very much Lucy.
A bop on the head with a stick can be fun
Or a hit from behind if you take a run
Shove a face in the glass it’s good for a laugh
But do it with vigour, don’t do it by half
A goalie who gambles and chases the puck
Make him deeply regret ever trying his luck
If a guy knocks you down that you couldn’t evade
Leave him neutered for life with the tip of your blade
If you do score a goal with no minder in net
Act like it’s the first — or the last one you’ll get
Pound on your chest and make a roar like an ape
Put on a big scowl, bend your face out of shape
If you’re feeling rambunctious here’s what to do
Start up a fight — with someone smaller than you
But if a big guy it is who wants you to tussle
Decline with regret: ‘I’ve just pulled a muscle!’
And when it's all over, the other team’s won
Release all your anger for what it has done
Say nothing about congrats, but threaten each man
A nice little touch — blow your nose in your hand
So that, boys and girls, is what you do on the ice
Show no one respect and don’t ever play nice
Think of yourself, don’t worry about others
When you grow up ... you’ll be one of us mothers
Gallilocks and the Three Bruins
(9 a.m. April 30 2014)
Once upon a time there was a little boy named Gallilocks who grew tired of surviving on a diet of nuts, leaves and berries, and an occasional truffle.
He longed for a feast such as the one his parents boasted about having when they were much younger.
It was more than 20 years ago that they had chanced upon a gingerbread house in the woods, with a roof made of cake, windows of clear sugar, and walls that were candy-studded. Inside were many treasures.
That was the only time they ever visited the house. In the parade that greeted their return home bearing rings of gold, they lost their sense of direction. After that, try as they might, they never could find the path back to the place that had brought them and others a great deal of joy.
One day Gallilocks decided he would go looking for the gingerbread house his parents spoke of so often.
Although small in stature, he was stout of heart and not at all fearful of the challenges that lay ahead.
The days turned into weeks and then months but still he forged on with his quest. He endured much in the 82 miles he covered, over land and over water, fending off panthers, hawks, coyotes and other predators, including fearsome fish. He was even bedevilled by demons at times.
Avalanches and hurricanes were his afflictions as well, but Gallilocks trudged on, never losing his nimbleness, which he demonstrated again and again avoiding a series of lightning strikes that came his way the next four miles of his journey.
At last he came upon a dwelling in the middle of a glade. Was this the gingerbread house he had set out to find?
No, the roof was no cake, the windows not sugar. And mounds of bear dung lay about in great heaps.
Undaunted, Gallilocks made his way around the piles, marched up the steps, and pushed open the door.
There seated at a long table were three bears, a bowl of porridge in front of each.
Famished, Gallilocks strode over to the smallest bear and looked him straight in the eye, as much as it hurt him do so.
'My, what an ugly face you have,” he said.
The little bear reached across and tried to give the unwelcome visitor a rough face wash with its tiny paw.
Gallilocks grabbed the little bear's snout with both hands and began to slap the floor with his catch, first on his left and then on his right, back and forth he went. He propped the dazed little bear back on its chair.
Gallilocks grabbed the spoon and tasted the porridge.
“This is too hot!” he exclaimed, and proceeded to pee in the porridge to cool it down, taking time to spell out the 'Starley Cup Chumpion' tattoo that adorned the little bear's chest.
Gallilocks moved to the larger bear in the middle.
“My, what an even uglier face you have,” he said.
The bear in the middle said nothing at all. He just glowered.
Gallilocks took his spoon and tasted the porridge.
“This is too cold!” he exclaimed, and proceeded to pee in the porridge to warm it up. The bear in the middle did nothing at all, as Gallilocks spelled out his name in the cold, lumpy cereal.
Gallilocks began to walk toward the third bear, the largest of the three, his head almost touching the ceiling, when he felt a huge paw clasp his privates from behind.
Gallilocks flexed his scrotum, popping loose the middle bear's grasp, and turned around to face his assailant, who stood there shaking, its eyes averted. He feinted a punch and the middle bear fainted.
Gallilocks stepped in front the largest bear and looked up into its eyes, as much as it hurt him to do so.
“My, yours is the ugliest of any face I've ever seen,” he said.
The giant bear, a Sloviak, roared and reached across the room to a stanchion in the corner and was about to deliver a fatal blow when Gallilocks began running circles around the huge beast, reversing course now and then. He ran so fast the creature grew dizzy trying to keep him in sight while flailing away with the stanchion.
All in vain. It collapsed to the floor in a wooze and the little cottage trembled.
Gallilocks picked up the largest bear's great spoon and tasted its porridge.
“Ah, just the right temperature” he remarked, and then spat it out. “I hate spooridge! I didn't travel this far to fill my stomach with crap.”
Angry, he dumped the not-too-hot, not-too-cold cereal on the largest bear's head, and took note of the improvement in looks that it made.
Gallilocks surveyed the room. He spied a packet of seeds from Beantown that he slipped into his pocket as a souvenir and bid the three bears good-bye by tipping his right hand off his forehead, and flashing a huge smile that went unacknowledged.
Gallilocks walked out the door and shut it firmly behind him.
He took a few steps, stopped as if seized by a sudden thought, and turned around to face the cottage. Then he huffed and he puffed and he blew the place down.
“I hate bears!” he muttered, resuming his journey, not knowing how much farther his travels would take him.
Next: The Frog Prince
(9 a.m. April 30 2014)
Once upon a time there was a little boy named Gallilocks who grew tired of surviving on a diet of nuts, leaves and berries, and an occasional truffle.
He longed for a feast such as the one his parents boasted about having when they were much younger.
It was more than 20 years ago that they had chanced upon a gingerbread house in the woods, with a roof made of cake, windows of clear sugar, and walls that were candy-studded. Inside were many treasures.
That was the only time they ever visited the house. In the parade that greeted their return home bearing rings of gold, they lost their sense of direction. After that, try as they might, they never could find the path back to the place that had brought them and others a great deal of joy.
One day Gallilocks decided he would go looking for the gingerbread house his parents spoke of so often.
Although small in stature, he was stout of heart and not at all fearful of the challenges that lay ahead.
The days turned into weeks and then months but still he forged on with his quest. He endured much in the 82 miles he covered, over land and over water, fending off panthers, hawks, coyotes and other predators, including fearsome fish. He was even bedevilled by demons at times.
Avalanches and hurricanes were his afflictions as well, but Gallilocks trudged on, never losing his nimbleness, which he demonstrated again and again avoiding a series of lightning strikes that came his way the next four miles of his journey.
At last he came upon a dwelling in the middle of a glade. Was this the gingerbread house he had set out to find?
No, the roof was no cake, the windows not sugar. And mounds of bear dung lay about in great heaps.
Undaunted, Gallilocks made his way around the piles, marched up the steps, and pushed open the door.
There seated at a long table were three bears, a bowl of porridge in front of each.
Famished, Gallilocks strode over to the smallest bear and looked him straight in the eye, as much as it hurt him do so.
'My, what an ugly face you have,” he said.
The little bear reached across and tried to give the unwelcome visitor a rough face wash with its tiny paw.
Gallilocks grabbed the little bear's snout with both hands and began to slap the floor with his catch, first on his left and then on his right, back and forth he went. He propped the dazed little bear back on its chair.
Gallilocks grabbed the spoon and tasted the porridge.
“This is too hot!” he exclaimed, and proceeded to pee in the porridge to cool it down, taking time to spell out the 'Starley Cup Chumpion' tattoo that adorned the little bear's chest.
Gallilocks moved to the larger bear in the middle.
“My, what an even uglier face you have,” he said.
The bear in the middle said nothing at all. He just glowered.
Gallilocks took his spoon and tasted the porridge.
“This is too cold!” he exclaimed, and proceeded to pee in the porridge to warm it up. The bear in the middle did nothing at all, as Gallilocks spelled out his name in the cold, lumpy cereal.
Gallilocks began to walk toward the third bear, the largest of the three, his head almost touching the ceiling, when he felt a huge paw clasp his privates from behind.
Gallilocks flexed his scrotum, popping loose the middle bear's grasp, and turned around to face his assailant, who stood there shaking, its eyes averted. He feinted a punch and the middle bear fainted.
Gallilocks stepped in front the largest bear and looked up into its eyes, as much as it hurt him to do so.
“My, yours is the ugliest of any face I've ever seen,” he said.
The giant bear, a Sloviak, roared and reached across the room to a stanchion in the corner and was about to deliver a fatal blow when Gallilocks began running circles around the huge beast, reversing course now and then. He ran so fast the creature grew dizzy trying to keep him in sight while flailing away with the stanchion.
All in vain. It collapsed to the floor in a wooze and the little cottage trembled.
Gallilocks picked up the largest bear's great spoon and tasted its porridge.
“Ah, just the right temperature” he remarked, and then spat it out. “I hate spooridge! I didn't travel this far to fill my stomach with crap.”
Angry, he dumped the not-too-hot, not-too-cold cereal on the largest bear's head, and took note of the improvement in looks that it made.
Gallilocks surveyed the room. He spied a packet of seeds from Beantown that he slipped into his pocket as a souvenir and bid the three bears good-bye by tipping his right hand off his forehead, and flashing a huge smile that went unacknowledged.
Gallilocks walked out the door and shut it firmly behind him.
He took a few steps, stopped as if seized by a sudden thought, and turned around to face the cottage. Then he huffed and he puffed and he blew the place down.
“I hate bears!” he muttered, resuming his journey, not knowing how much farther his travels would take him.
Next: The Frog Prince
LineMates: We have a winger for you
(April 4, 2014)
Agency: Hi, you’ve reached LineMates, the gateway to happiness. Are you a winger or a centre?
Caller: I’m not sure anymore. That’s why I called. I thought I was a centre but they’ve also had me play wing and now I don’t know who I am. I was hoping you could find me a linemate I could click with and get my career back on track.
Agency: You’re in good hands, Mr...... Mr....
Caller: Eller. Lars Eller. But my linemates – all 11 of them – call me Larry.
Agency: Nice to meet you, Larry. My name’s Larissa. Now, Larry, every forward has a wish list: score lots of points, make lots of money, and never have to back check. We can’t help you with the back checking, but we can help you score lots of points and make lots of money by finding the right people to play with. We did it with Getzlaf and Perry, Crosby and Kunitz, Nash and Young, Sedin and Sedin.
Eller: Sedin and Sedin? The twins who have been playing together for years?
Larissa: Separated at birth, Larry. Neither knew the other existed until Henrik started playing in the Swedish Elite League. Henrik wasn’t happy with who was on his line, gave us a call, we checked our files, and, bingo, found Daniel playing in a garage league. The rest is history.
Eller: I’m impressed.
Larissa: That’s what we do, Larry. LineMates introduces you to forwards you can connect with – deep in your own end, up the middle, in front of the net.
Eller: Sweet! How do you do that, find the right person?
Larissa: Our Relationship Consultants – what hockey teams call scouts – have all been trained at the HIO Institute of Higher Learning to carefully and intuitively bring together people based on their compatibility and Corsi values. Their line combinations are impeccable.
Eller: Sounds very scientific.
Larissa: It is. Did I mention chemistry? That, too. We then meet separately with the two candidates for the prospective pairing to ask some tough questions, to see how well they handle pressure: What’s your plus/minus? Have you ever taken a dumb penalty? Gone pointless longer than 10 games? Forgot to put on your jock strap? Tripped a coach in practice?
Eller: Geez, those ARE tough questions.
Larissa: It’s all about honesty, Larry. Linemates need to be open, forthright and comfortable with each other. So they can make a blind, behind-the-back pass and know the other guy will pick it up. Or angle an opponent toward the boards so his linemate can line him up for a bone-crusher.
Eller: Ooh, I like that.
Larissa: Thought you would. But the only way you can ever reach that level of performance, two people working as one, is to have every confidence in each other, become so synchronized in what you do that you finish each other’s sentences and you finish each other’s plays.
Eller: Wow, I’m impressed. Tell me again some of the people you matched up.
Larissa: Getzlaf and Perry. Stastny and Mackinnon. Bozak and Kessel.
Eller: And you said Crosby and Kunitz, right?
Larissa: That’s right. But I’ll be upfront with you, Larry. LineMates WILL find you a match but it doesn’t guarantee it will always be the first one that’s made. With Crosby, it took five wingers before we found the right combination. He’‘s just a hard guy to play with. But you see how well everything has worked out since – so the key is, you have to have patience.
It’s like a date, Larry, you’re not going to score the first time out. But, who knows, maybe by the third, you’ll get a hat trick.
Eller: You’ve sold me. In fact, I wonder, is it possible, could you find me two other forwards, not just one. That way we could have a dynamite line right off the bat.
Larissa: Larry, LineMates doesn’t do threesomes. Let your coach earn his keep and have him complete the puzzle.
Eller: You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m a restricted free agent, and I got to consider all my options. Okay, let’s get started. What now?
Larissa: That’s the spirit. I’m just going to go quickly through our database to find out who’s looking for a linemate, and is roughly the same size as you.
Larry: Why?
Larissa: You have a small centre and a big winger, or a big centre and a small winger, it hardly ever works out. It skews the dynamics ...not to mention it looks kind of dumb, the two of you standing side by side out on the ice. We want our pairings to look terrific as well as be terrific. Hmmm, I think I found one. Older man, about your size. Hey, I think you know him.
Larry: Who is it? Who? Who?
Larissa: Yeah, you definitely know him. He’s on your team! Rene Bourque. What a surprise, eh, Larry? ... Larry?
(April 4, 2014)
Agency: Hi, you’ve reached LineMates, the gateway to happiness. Are you a winger or a centre?
Caller: I’m not sure anymore. That’s why I called. I thought I was a centre but they’ve also had me play wing and now I don’t know who I am. I was hoping you could find me a linemate I could click with and get my career back on track.
Agency: You’re in good hands, Mr...... Mr....
Caller: Eller. Lars Eller. But my linemates – all 11 of them – call me Larry.
Agency: Nice to meet you, Larry. My name’s Larissa. Now, Larry, every forward has a wish list: score lots of points, make lots of money, and never have to back check. We can’t help you with the back checking, but we can help you score lots of points and make lots of money by finding the right people to play with. We did it with Getzlaf and Perry, Crosby and Kunitz, Nash and Young, Sedin and Sedin.
Eller: Sedin and Sedin? The twins who have been playing together for years?
Larissa: Separated at birth, Larry. Neither knew the other existed until Henrik started playing in the Swedish Elite League. Henrik wasn’t happy with who was on his line, gave us a call, we checked our files, and, bingo, found Daniel playing in a garage league. The rest is history.
Eller: I’m impressed.
Larissa: That’s what we do, Larry. LineMates introduces you to forwards you can connect with – deep in your own end, up the middle, in front of the net.
Eller: Sweet! How do you do that, find the right person?
Larissa: Our Relationship Consultants – what hockey teams call scouts – have all been trained at the HIO Institute of Higher Learning to carefully and intuitively bring together people based on their compatibility and Corsi values. Their line combinations are impeccable.
Eller: Sounds very scientific.
Larissa: It is. Did I mention chemistry? That, too. We then meet separately with the two candidates for the prospective pairing to ask some tough questions, to see how well they handle pressure: What’s your plus/minus? Have you ever taken a dumb penalty? Gone pointless longer than 10 games? Forgot to put on your jock strap? Tripped a coach in practice?
Eller: Geez, those ARE tough questions.
Larissa: It’s all about honesty, Larry. Linemates need to be open, forthright and comfortable with each other. So they can make a blind, behind-the-back pass and know the other guy will pick it up. Or angle an opponent toward the boards so his linemate can line him up for a bone-crusher.
Eller: Ooh, I like that.
Larissa: Thought you would. But the only way you can ever reach that level of performance, two people working as one, is to have every confidence in each other, become so synchronized in what you do that you finish each other’s sentences and you finish each other’s plays.
Eller: Wow, I’m impressed. Tell me again some of the people you matched up.
Larissa: Getzlaf and Perry. Stastny and Mackinnon. Bozak and Kessel.
Eller: And you said Crosby and Kunitz, right?
Larissa: That’s right. But I’ll be upfront with you, Larry. LineMates WILL find you a match but it doesn’t guarantee it will always be the first one that’s made. With Crosby, it took five wingers before we found the right combination. He’‘s just a hard guy to play with. But you see how well everything has worked out since – so the key is, you have to have patience.
It’s like a date, Larry, you’re not going to score the first time out. But, who knows, maybe by the third, you’ll get a hat trick.
Eller: You’ve sold me. In fact, I wonder, is it possible, could you find me two other forwards, not just one. That way we could have a dynamite line right off the bat.
Larissa: Larry, LineMates doesn’t do threesomes. Let your coach earn his keep and have him complete the puzzle.
Eller: You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m a restricted free agent, and I got to consider all my options. Okay, let’s get started. What now?
Larissa: That’s the spirit. I’m just going to go quickly through our database to find out who’s looking for a linemate, and is roughly the same size as you.
Larry: Why?
Larissa: You have a small centre and a big winger, or a big centre and a small winger, it hardly ever works out. It skews the dynamics ...not to mention it looks kind of dumb, the two of you standing side by side out on the ice. We want our pairings to look terrific as well as be terrific. Hmmm, I think I found one. Older man, about your size. Hey, I think you know him.
Larry: Who is it? Who? Who?
Larissa: Yeah, you definitely know him. He’s on your team! Rene Bourque. What a surprise, eh, Larry? ... Larry?
Actual 9-1-1 calls ...
(April 1, 2014)
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: It’s my husband! There’s something wrong with him! He’s sittin’ in the living room in his favourite chair, and he’s gone all rigid! And his eyes! His eyes are poppin’ outta his head, and his face is all red. And he won’t answer when I speak to him! Not that he usually does anyways but at least he’d grunt, you know, like unhh, unhh. But not this time! He just sits there starin’ at the TV! I think he’s having a stroke!
Dispatcher: Ma’am, ma’am. Calm down. The paramedics are on their way now. Go check on him and come back.
[Sound of footsteps heading off, and a few moments later, returning]
Caller: No change. It’s like he’s turned to stone! I’ve never seen him this way before. I mean, I know he’s been upset watching the Leafs lately but
Dispatcher: Excuse me, ma’am. You said he was watching the Leafs game?
Caller: Yeah
Dispatcher: Could you please go check the score?
Caller: Whaat!!!?? My husband could be dyin’ and you want to know what the score of the hockey game is!!!! Why
Dispatcher [firmly]: Ma’am, go and check the score.
[Sound of feet stomping off, and then stomping right back]
Caller: The Leafs are losing 4-0! Happy now?
Dispatcher: Ma’am, listen carefully. Go get a mop. Yes, a mop. Just get it, okay? [waits]
Caller: Got it.
Dispatcher: Okay, now I want you to take that mop, go into the living room and smash it into the TV -- BAM! BAM! BAM! Just like that.
Caller: But it’s a 60-inch, we got it for Christmas! Why can’t I just pull the plug?
Dispatcher: Ma’am, the Leafs have pulled the plug on their season, which is what got your husband in trouble. He’s a diehard Leaf fan, he needs to break that connection with the team for good. If you don’t smash it, he’ll just plug the TV back in and then he WILL die hard.
Caller [moans]: But it’s a 60-inch.
Dispatcher. Ma’am, you have to decide: the TV or your marriage.
Caller [wails]: BUT IT’S A 60-INCH, WITH DOLBY DIGITAL!!! AND HE NEVER TALKS TO ME ANYWAYS!
[doorbell rings] Dispatcher: It’s the paramedics, ma’am. Go let them in.
Caller [sobbing]: Will they smash the TV?
Dispatcher: Ma’am, let them in. Please.
[sound of door being opened, two people rushing inside, muffled voices. Minutes pass, and then silence. Footsteps.]
Caller: Okay, everything’s fine. Thanks for your help. Bye.
Dispatcher: Hey, wait, wait a minute! What about your husband? Is he okay? Did they smash the TV? Take him away in the ambulance?
Caller: Nah, they picked him up, put him in the corner, facing the wall, hooked up an intravenous and gave him a slow-drip sedative. Left me with enough to last the rest of the season.
Dispatcher: Are they headed back?
Caller: Nah, they’re here watchin’ the game. Said it’s their break. Nice guys. Hey, could you send someone over with some pizza? The cupboard’s bare and I haven’t gone shopping. It’s a real emergency.
[click]
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller [shrieking]: Help! Help! Send someone quickly! They’re having trouble breathing! I think they have something caught in their throat!
Dispatcher: Calm down, sir. How many people?
Caller: Twenty
Dispatcher: Twenty people have something caught in their throat? What about you?
Caller: I’m okay. I’m not the one who’s choking, they are. You gotta do something.
Dispatcher [drily]: Sir, you wouldn’t happen to be watching a Leafs game, would you?
Caller: Yeah, yeah! And they’re choking. Again.
Dispatcher: I’m sorry, sir, but you called the wrong number. I can’t help you.
Caller: But this is 9-1-1, right?
Dispatcher: Yes, but for the kind of help the Leafs need, you’ll have to call 6-6-6.
[click]
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: I’m having trouble coming up with the right lines for the Canadiens, I think they should
[click]
(April 1, 2014)
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: It’s my husband! There’s something wrong with him! He’s sittin’ in the living room in his favourite chair, and he’s gone all rigid! And his eyes! His eyes are poppin’ outta his head, and his face is all red. And he won’t answer when I speak to him! Not that he usually does anyways but at least he’d grunt, you know, like unhh, unhh. But not this time! He just sits there starin’ at the TV! I think he’s having a stroke!
Dispatcher: Ma’am, ma’am. Calm down. The paramedics are on their way now. Go check on him and come back.
[Sound of footsteps heading off, and a few moments later, returning]
Caller: No change. It’s like he’s turned to stone! I’ve never seen him this way before. I mean, I know he’s been upset watching the Leafs lately but
Dispatcher: Excuse me, ma’am. You said he was watching the Leafs game?
Caller: Yeah
Dispatcher: Could you please go check the score?
Caller: Whaat!!!?? My husband could be dyin’ and you want to know what the score of the hockey game is!!!! Why
Dispatcher [firmly]: Ma’am, go and check the score.
[Sound of feet stomping off, and then stomping right back]
Caller: The Leafs are losing 4-0! Happy now?
Dispatcher: Ma’am, listen carefully. Go get a mop. Yes, a mop. Just get it, okay? [waits]
Caller: Got it.
Dispatcher: Okay, now I want you to take that mop, go into the living room and smash it into the TV -- BAM! BAM! BAM! Just like that.
Caller: But it’s a 60-inch, we got it for Christmas! Why can’t I just pull the plug?
Dispatcher: Ma’am, the Leafs have pulled the plug on their season, which is what got your husband in trouble. He’s a diehard Leaf fan, he needs to break that connection with the team for good. If you don’t smash it, he’ll just plug the TV back in and then he WILL die hard.
Caller [moans]: But it’s a 60-inch.
Dispatcher. Ma’am, you have to decide: the TV or your marriage.
Caller [wails]: BUT IT’S A 60-INCH, WITH DOLBY DIGITAL!!! AND HE NEVER TALKS TO ME ANYWAYS!
[doorbell rings] Dispatcher: It’s the paramedics, ma’am. Go let them in.
Caller [sobbing]: Will they smash the TV?
Dispatcher: Ma’am, let them in. Please.
[sound of door being opened, two people rushing inside, muffled voices. Minutes pass, and then silence. Footsteps.]
Caller: Okay, everything’s fine. Thanks for your help. Bye.
Dispatcher: Hey, wait, wait a minute! What about your husband? Is he okay? Did they smash the TV? Take him away in the ambulance?
Caller: Nah, they picked him up, put him in the corner, facing the wall, hooked up an intravenous and gave him a slow-drip sedative. Left me with enough to last the rest of the season.
Dispatcher: Are they headed back?
Caller: Nah, they’re here watchin’ the game. Said it’s their break. Nice guys. Hey, could you send someone over with some pizza? The cupboard’s bare and I haven’t gone shopping. It’s a real emergency.
[click]
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller [shrieking]: Help! Help! Send someone quickly! They’re having trouble breathing! I think they have something caught in their throat!
Dispatcher: Calm down, sir. How many people?
Caller: Twenty
Dispatcher: Twenty people have something caught in their throat? What about you?
Caller: I’m okay. I’m not the one who’s choking, they are. You gotta do something.
Dispatcher [drily]: Sir, you wouldn’t happen to be watching a Leafs game, would you?
Caller: Yeah, yeah! And they’re choking. Again.
Dispatcher: I’m sorry, sir, but you called the wrong number. I can’t help you.
Caller: But this is 9-1-1, right?
Dispatcher: Yes, but for the kind of help the Leafs need, you’ll have to call 6-6-6.
[click]
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: I’m having trouble coming up with the right lines for the Canadiens, I think they should
[click]
Habs should loosen up,
with some in-house libation
(April 6, 2013)
If you’re like me – and those who are, why do we wake up every morning with swollen ankles? – you know the Habs are going to have a tough time making it to the Stanley Cup final. One of the main reasons, cited frequently on this site, is the team’s ineffectiveness at clearing the crease.
I have the answer, and funnily enough – okay, I’ll let you be the judge of that – it’s the same one Geoff Molson put forward two years ago this week. It didn’t work then only because the experiment wasn’t given enough time to prove its worth.
With 12 games left in the Canadiens’ schedule – and especially so with the Bruins being the next opponent – I think it’s time to resurrect that earlier scheme.
Not to put too fine a point on it but the consumption of alcohol has been a part of hockey since the very beginning; how else to explain those hideous uniforms from days gone by?
Today, alcohol continues to play key role in the sport, for most fans at least, whose enjoyment of the game depends to a large degree on the amount of beer they imbibe, which is perhaps less a reflection on their character than it is a statement about the quality of competition to be seen most nights.
The truth of that assertion could be turned on its head, however, if it were the athletes who did the imbibing and the fans not so much. How so – hey, there’s no need for name-calling! – you ask. Well, as many fans will tell you – and even post to prove it — alcohol removes inhibitions, the kind that bind one’s tongue, or in the case of Hab rearguards, render them useless in front of the net.
Consumed in the proper amount, fermented drink can induce an altered state of consciousness, and as I’m suggesting, a superior level of play.
Yes, that’s what I’m saying: The play of Canadien defencemen in their own end would be greatly improved if they were to down a couple of bottles before every match. Every intruder would be greeted with a measure of hostility so intense, so fierce, so … unrecognizable, that foes would think twice – or, if you’re a Bruin, once, leaving you stunned by the novelty of it all – about setting up camp at Carey Price’s doorstep.
In unenlightened times this was once referred to as Dutch courage. Today, we’re sophisticated enough to discredit any nationality when labelling this form of artificial bravado.
Given the capability of the Molson empire to supply an endless supply of liquid combativeness, or alewill, the Canadien brewliners would enjoy a natural advantage over their opponents.
Let’s be clear, I’m not advocating Hab rearguards become falling-down drunk. I’m talking knocking down drunk, as in toppling the other side’s forwards – while still retaining the ability to skate, pass, shoot and block shots (okay, that’s where the falling down does come in handy).
Now there is a risk that a few beers before the game won’t have the desired effect on some athletes but will instead reduce them to maudlin heaps of sappy emotions who are more likely to hug a foe than whack him. People, as we know, behave differently while under the influence (Don Cherry being the exception).
But hyper-gregariousness can be as off-putting as aggressive behavour, so shouldn’t be much of a concern (although the thought of Bouillon wrapping his arm around the upper thigh of an opponent and warbling “Ole, ole, ole” off-key unsettles the mind).
Speaking of that infernal refrain, I look forward to the day it’s replaced with: “CHug, CHug, CHug!” (akin to what the fans now mutter when they see Moen labouring up the ice.)
To summarize: As good as the Habs are now, for them to go all the way they will need to be in their cups to win a Cup.
No two-five without a two-four or two.
with some in-house libation
(April 6, 2013)
If you’re like me – and those who are, why do we wake up every morning with swollen ankles? – you know the Habs are going to have a tough time making it to the Stanley Cup final. One of the main reasons, cited frequently on this site, is the team’s ineffectiveness at clearing the crease.
I have the answer, and funnily enough – okay, I’ll let you be the judge of that – it’s the same one Geoff Molson put forward two years ago this week. It didn’t work then only because the experiment wasn’t given enough time to prove its worth.
With 12 games left in the Canadiens’ schedule – and especially so with the Bruins being the next opponent – I think it’s time to resurrect that earlier scheme.
Not to put too fine a point on it but the consumption of alcohol has been a part of hockey since the very beginning; how else to explain those hideous uniforms from days gone by?
Today, alcohol continues to play key role in the sport, for most fans at least, whose enjoyment of the game depends to a large degree on the amount of beer they imbibe, which is perhaps less a reflection on their character than it is a statement about the quality of competition to be seen most nights.
The truth of that assertion could be turned on its head, however, if it were the athletes who did the imbibing and the fans not so much. How so – hey, there’s no need for name-calling! – you ask. Well, as many fans will tell you – and even post to prove it — alcohol removes inhibitions, the kind that bind one’s tongue, or in the case of Hab rearguards, render them useless in front of the net.
Consumed in the proper amount, fermented drink can induce an altered state of consciousness, and as I’m suggesting, a superior level of play.
Yes, that’s what I’m saying: The play of Canadien defencemen in their own end would be greatly improved if they were to down a couple of bottles before every match. Every intruder would be greeted with a measure of hostility so intense, so fierce, so … unrecognizable, that foes would think twice – or, if you’re a Bruin, once, leaving you stunned by the novelty of it all – about setting up camp at Carey Price’s doorstep.
In unenlightened times this was once referred to as Dutch courage. Today, we’re sophisticated enough to discredit any nationality when labelling this form of artificial bravado.
Given the capability of the Molson empire to supply an endless supply of liquid combativeness, or alewill, the Canadien brewliners would enjoy a natural advantage over their opponents.
Let’s be clear, I’m not advocating Hab rearguards become falling-down drunk. I’m talking knocking down drunk, as in toppling the other side’s forwards – while still retaining the ability to skate, pass, shoot and block shots (okay, that’s where the falling down does come in handy).
Now there is a risk that a few beers before the game won’t have the desired effect on some athletes but will instead reduce them to maudlin heaps of sappy emotions who are more likely to hug a foe than whack him. People, as we know, behave differently while under the influence (Don Cherry being the exception).
But hyper-gregariousness can be as off-putting as aggressive behavour, so shouldn’t be much of a concern (although the thought of Bouillon wrapping his arm around the upper thigh of an opponent and warbling “Ole, ole, ole” off-key unsettles the mind).
Speaking of that infernal refrain, I look forward to the day it’s replaced with: “CHug, CHug, CHug!” (akin to what the fans now mutter when they see Moen labouring up the ice.)
To summarize: As good as the Habs are now, for them to go all the way they will need to be in their cups to win a Cup.
No two-five without a two-four or two.
Play of celebrity panelists matchless
(Feb. 8, 2014)
Here’s how I’ll be spending my free time after tonight’s game until Olympic men’s hockey begins play: watching Hockey Match – the game show where contestants fill the blank in a statement and hope panelists from the hockey world match their guesses.
This week’s panel: Florida Panther goalie Tim Thomas, referee Chris Lee, Boston Bruin Brad Marchand, Calgary Flames GM Brian Burke, Hockey Night in Canada celebrity Don Cherry, and Hall of Famer Ken Dryden.
Host: Patti , you chose Question B: Coach Andy is so angry after a one-sided loss he makes his players ______?
Panel, write down your answers.
Okay, Patti, what do you think angry coach Andy makes his players do after a one-sided loss?
Patti: Bag skate the next morning.
[Applause]
Host: The audience loves your answer, Patti. Let’s see what the gang says. Coach Andy is so angry after a one-sided loss he makes his players?
Thomas: listen to Obama speeches for three hours
Lee: congratulate the referees for calling a good game
Marchand: line up for cold water showers.
Burke: grow a pair
Cherry: watch Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em
Dryden: write an essay on what was learned, to prevent future demonstrations of shameful ineptitude
Host: Hmm, I’m glad we ordered in a special supply of super-sized response cards for today’s guests.
Bob, here’s Question A: Lou is so vicious when he slew foots an opponent, nine times out of 10 the player ________? Panel, write down your answers.
Bob, tell us, Lou is so vicious when he slew foots an opponent, nine times out of 10 the player?
Bob: Is slain
[Applause]
Host: Slew. Slain. Good one, Bob. Another answer that gets the thumbs up from the peanut gallery. Let’s see if the panelists think the same way.
Okay, fellas, Lou is so vicious when he slew foots an opponent, nine times out of 10 the player?
Thomas: is reminded of how democracy is being undercut by liberal forces
Lee: is stripped of the puck in a hockey play
Marchand: is a jerk who deserved everything he got
Burke: loses a pair for being a wimp
Cherry: has the right to autograph his opponent’s face with his stick. Under the Code
Dryden: Needlessly suffers harm, sometimes irremediably, because the National Hockey League obtusely refuses to enforce its rules and protect its players to the fullest extent, creating a frontier-like workplace environment.
Host: Uh, Ken, you’re only supposed to use one card, not five.
Dryden: My apologies.
Host: Okaaaay, no score after the first round. Let’s move on to the lightning round where each of our contestants picks a panelist and tries to match answers. Two choices are given. The contestant selects one on a screen the panelist can’t see, and then the panel member gives a response after I read out the two choices.
Patti, who do you choose?
Patti [smiling]: Brad
Host: Let’s begin. You have 30 seconds to match as many words as possible, starting now.
[The choices are Net minder. Net profit. Patti selects Net minder. Host reads out the choices]
Marchand: Internet [buzzer sounds, indicating no match]
[Host has puzzled look. So does Patti. Next two choices: Play maker. Play station. Patti selects play maker. Host reads out the choices]
Marchand: Playboy. [buzzer]
[Host sighs heavily. Patti goes ‘Unhh?’ Next two choices: Blue velvet. Blue line. Patti selects blue line. Host reads out the choices, with a hint of desperation in his voice.]
Marchand: Blew a lead. [buzzer]
[Host rolls eyes. Patti gives Marchand dirty look. Next two choices: Cross bar. Cross words. Patti picks cross bar. Host reads out choices. Very. Slowly.]
Marchand: Croissant.
[Host shakes his head. Patti shakes her fist. Next two choices: Penalty shot. Penalty kick. Patty selects the first choice. Host reads out penalty shot. That’s it. Just penalty shot. He and Patti stare at Marchand, waiting expectantly. Marchand furrows nose, squints eyes, looks up to the ceiling, slowly mouths pen-all-tee ... [bell sounds, signalling end of round. Marchand yells] SHOT!
Host: I’m sorry, Patti, but the Rat – I mean, Brad – gave his answer after the bell. No matches.
[Patti leaps from her seat, dashes over to where Marchand is sitting and begins pummeling him.
He turtles.
Show cuts to commercial.]
(Feb. 8, 2014)
Here’s how I’ll be spending my free time after tonight’s game until Olympic men’s hockey begins play: watching Hockey Match – the game show where contestants fill the blank in a statement and hope panelists from the hockey world match their guesses.
This week’s panel: Florida Panther goalie Tim Thomas, referee Chris Lee, Boston Bruin Brad Marchand, Calgary Flames GM Brian Burke, Hockey Night in Canada celebrity Don Cherry, and Hall of Famer Ken Dryden.
Host: Patti , you chose Question B: Coach Andy is so angry after a one-sided loss he makes his players ______?
Panel, write down your answers.
Okay, Patti, what do you think angry coach Andy makes his players do after a one-sided loss?
Patti: Bag skate the next morning.
[Applause]
Host: The audience loves your answer, Patti. Let’s see what the gang says. Coach Andy is so angry after a one-sided loss he makes his players?
Thomas: listen to Obama speeches for three hours
Lee: congratulate the referees for calling a good game
Marchand: line up for cold water showers.
Burke: grow a pair
Cherry: watch Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em
Dryden: write an essay on what was learned, to prevent future demonstrations of shameful ineptitude
Host: Hmm, I’m glad we ordered in a special supply of super-sized response cards for today’s guests.
Bob, here’s Question A: Lou is so vicious when he slew foots an opponent, nine times out of 10 the player ________? Panel, write down your answers.
Bob, tell us, Lou is so vicious when he slew foots an opponent, nine times out of 10 the player?
Bob: Is slain
[Applause]
Host: Slew. Slain. Good one, Bob. Another answer that gets the thumbs up from the peanut gallery. Let’s see if the panelists think the same way.
Okay, fellas, Lou is so vicious when he slew foots an opponent, nine times out of 10 the player?
Thomas: is reminded of how democracy is being undercut by liberal forces
Lee: is stripped of the puck in a hockey play
Marchand: is a jerk who deserved everything he got
Burke: loses a pair for being a wimp
Cherry: has the right to autograph his opponent’s face with his stick. Under the Code
Dryden: Needlessly suffers harm, sometimes irremediably, because the National Hockey League obtusely refuses to enforce its rules and protect its players to the fullest extent, creating a frontier-like workplace environment.
Host: Uh, Ken, you’re only supposed to use one card, not five.
Dryden: My apologies.
Host: Okaaaay, no score after the first round. Let’s move on to the lightning round where each of our contestants picks a panelist and tries to match answers. Two choices are given. The contestant selects one on a screen the panelist can’t see, and then the panel member gives a response after I read out the two choices.
Patti, who do you choose?
Patti [smiling]: Brad
Host: Let’s begin. You have 30 seconds to match as many words as possible, starting now.
[The choices are Net minder. Net profit. Patti selects Net minder. Host reads out the choices]
Marchand: Internet [buzzer sounds, indicating no match]
[Host has puzzled look. So does Patti. Next two choices: Play maker. Play station. Patti selects play maker. Host reads out the choices]
Marchand: Playboy. [buzzer]
[Host sighs heavily. Patti goes ‘Unhh?’ Next two choices: Blue velvet. Blue line. Patti selects blue line. Host reads out the choices, with a hint of desperation in his voice.]
Marchand: Blew a lead. [buzzer]
[Host rolls eyes. Patti gives Marchand dirty look. Next two choices: Cross bar. Cross words. Patti picks cross bar. Host reads out choices. Very. Slowly.]
Marchand: Croissant.
[Host shakes his head. Patti shakes her fist. Next two choices: Penalty shot. Penalty kick. Patty selects the first choice. Host reads out penalty shot. That’s it. Just penalty shot. He and Patti stare at Marchand, waiting expectantly. Marchand furrows nose, squints eyes, looks up to the ceiling, slowly mouths pen-all-tee ... [bell sounds, signalling end of round. Marchand yells] SHOT!
Host: I’m sorry, Patti, but the Rat – I mean, Brad – gave his answer after the bell. No matches.
[Patti leaps from her seat, dashes over to where Marchand is sitting and begins pummeling him.
He turtles.
Show cuts to commercial.]
It's April 16 - the day after.
Utter humiliation. On home ice.
Flyers 7 Canadiens 3.
The universe is unfolding. The Habs? Folding. Meh. It's just two losses in a row -- two utterly ignominious losses -- not the end of the world. But check in at the end of the week.
What we fans could use is something to take our minds off the team's horrendous play, something like this from the Vault.
Thanks for the ... the ... what was it again?
(Dec. 2011)
Are you depressed? Suicidal? A Montreal Canadiens fan?
Climb down from the bridge, get your head out of the oven – it’s electric, you idiot! – and hurry down to your doctor’s office to ask her about a radical new procedure that will put an end to your misery.
Developed by the makers of SlumpBuster, MemoryDelete surgically removes all recollections of the Canadiens’ team history, including the glory years. Especially the glory years!
Researchers have determined that Canadiens’ fans over the age of 25 have been in a prolonged state of depression since 1993, the last time the team won the Stanley Cup. The memory of that incredible championship drive – including 10 overtime victories! – has created expectations the club has been unable to fulfil, although it came close two years ago.
But that appearance in the Eastern Conference Final only deepened the despair that now has Canadiens’ fans in a vise-like grip.
The results are disturbing: a rise in sick days, reduced productivity on the job, internecine squabbling on fan websites, failed marriages, broken romances, and rampant impotence.
Fantacy was the first to address this modern malaise with SlumpBuster, an under-the-counter medication that enabled users to enter a perpetual state of bliss. Critics and some legal authorities argued the drug rendered them unfit for human activity of any kind.
Fantacy and its lawyers are vigorously disputing that allegation but to demonstrate its corporate heart is in the right place, the company has developed a surgical procedure that guarantees its patients will continue to be productive citizens. Simply put, MemoryDelete removes all data stored deep within the brain having to do with the Habs.
Just those memories, and nothing more, unlike TML (Total Memory Loss), developed by a rival company for fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs (TML), which allows them to think their team has a chance to win the Cup every year but also renders them useless at home and at work. It also requires follow-up surgery once a week.
Memory Delete includes the insertion of a micro-device – a spacemaker – that erases each new memory involving the Canadiens within 24 hours of its creation. What it doesn’t remove is the fans’ desire is to see the team win, so they can approach each game with a profound sense of hope and an enormous amount of positive energy.
Should Montreal ever win the Cup again, it will blow their mind!
For 24 hours.
MemoryDelete – living the dream. One day at a time.
We could use some SlumpBuster now
(Oct. 21, 2011)
Is your team in a funk? Can’t win for trying or not trying?
New, improved SlumpBuster XII™ will fix that funk in a flash.
Perfected after decades of secret research by unconventional scientists, SlumpBuster XII ©™ is guaranteed to put the brakes on a losing skid.
The key ingredients to on-ice success have been known for some time: equal measures solid playmaking centre, deadly sniper, hardnosed winger, smooth-skating blueliner with high hockey IQ, shutdown defenceman, and spectacular goaltending. Add a handful of catalyzing agents – grit, size, discipline, team chemistry and innovative coaching – and you’ve got yourself a winning formula.
But putting it all together has never been easy. Until now. SlumpBuster XIII ®©™ – it’s improving as we speak! – delivers on that promise and more! It can undo years of mismanagement, poor drafting, bad coaching and outrageous advice from fans, and produce a genuine Stanley Cup contender – year after year after year!
Sounds too good to be true? It is, but with SlumpBuster XV ®©™ – the advances never cease! – you won’t have to suffer through another disappointing season ever again. Consumed in copious amounts sufficient to induce a pleasing inertness, SlumpBuster XV.2 ®©™, with its special narcotic additive, will leave the user in a state of perpetual bliss.
“A fan and his ecstacy equals fantacy”
Note: SlumpBuster XX ®©™ must be taken internally. Mandatory 20-year contract to ensure continued, uninterrupted supply. No cheques or IOUs. Credit card only. Shipping and handling extra. Must be at least 18 or have parental consent or authorization by caregivers.
– “To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there’s the SlumpBuster XXIV ®©™” –
(Oct. 21, 2011)
Is your team in a funk? Can’t win for trying or not trying?
New, improved SlumpBuster XII™ will fix that funk in a flash.
Perfected after decades of secret research by unconventional scientists, SlumpBuster XII ©™ is guaranteed to put the brakes on a losing skid.
The key ingredients to on-ice success have been known for some time: equal measures solid playmaking centre, deadly sniper, hardnosed winger, smooth-skating blueliner with high hockey IQ, shutdown defenceman, and spectacular goaltending. Add a handful of catalyzing agents – grit, size, discipline, team chemistry and innovative coaching – and you’ve got yourself a winning formula.
But putting it all together has never been easy. Until now. SlumpBuster XIII ®©™ – it’s improving as we speak! – delivers on that promise and more! It can undo years of mismanagement, poor drafting, bad coaching and outrageous advice from fans, and produce a genuine Stanley Cup contender – year after year after year!
Sounds too good to be true? It is, but with SlumpBuster XV ®©™ – the advances never cease! – you won’t have to suffer through another disappointing season ever again. Consumed in copious amounts sufficient to induce a pleasing inertness, SlumpBuster XV.2 ®©™, with its special narcotic additive, will leave the user in a state of perpetual bliss.
“A fan and his ecstacy equals fantacy”
Note: SlumpBuster XX ®©™ must be taken internally. Mandatory 20-year contract to ensure continued, uninterrupted supply. No cheques or IOUs. Credit card only. Shipping and handling extra. Must be at least 18 or have parental consent or authorization by caregivers.
– “To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there’s the SlumpBuster XXIV ®©™” –
It's April 8.
This just in ... from 18 months ago, when the NHL actually showed concern for the well-being of its players.
NHL to bury players' heads in sand
(Sept. 1, 2011)
NEW YORK – The National Hockey League has announced it will try to reduce the risk of concussions among players by introducing new headgear.
The league issued a statement today saying it is working with hockey equipment manufacturers to develop a helmet containing granular material to absorb the impact of a hit to the head.
“We’ve kept our heads in the sand for years and the league has never been in better shape,” said a league official who requested anonymity. “The NHL is confident there is a technological solution to the rash of concussions that, unfortunately, has taken place of late.”
The official said the league is also taking a non-technological approach to the problem, in the event a state-of-the-art helmet doesn’t prove as effective as hoped. It’s working on an educational program to encourage players to think twice about delivering hits to the head that could cause short- and long-term harm.
“Have a Heart, Spare a Brain is aimed at the ‘softer’ side of players that might have got submerged over the years while moving up through the ranks of organized hockey,” the official said. “It’s an effort to help them reconnect to their empathic self and realize there are consequences to rough play.”
The official said the program will include animated segments featuring celebrity voices, word searches (‘trauma’, ‘nausea,’ ‘convulsions’, ‘vomiting’), connect the dots (which, apparently, is more difficult than one would think), subliminal messages, hypnotism, anti-machismo arm patches, spiritual guidance, and videos that provide object lessons (featuring Don Cherry’s Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em, Chalk ‘Em series).
According to a source in the NHL Players Association, the union will study the league’s initiatives in depth before making a comment. While somewhat in favour of what the NHL is attempting to accomplish, the NHLPA is concerned about the impact it could have on the ability of some of its members to make a living, the source said.
“Remember, we represent ALL players, even those with minimal skills,” he said. “We can’t pick and choose which ones we go to bat for. Superstars, pluggers, they’re all under our tent, they all pay union dues.
“What would it do to our credibility if we came out in favour of measures that protect the game’s superstars but resulted in a loss of jobs for enforcers?” the source said. “They have the right to earn a livelihood, too, which NHL teams have made clear they’re all too willing to provide them.”
The union official said the NHLPA will send out a directive later this month telling its members “to play nice with each other” to show that it cares about their welfare.
He said the union is also in the process of developing its own behavioral modification program in which players can earn points for every period they play without a penalty. At the end of the season they can make use of their accumulated Byng Bling and More bonus points to acquire a variety of goods and services from NHL sponsors at discounted prices, even for free if they’re especially good at not taking penalties.
If the Min Sin Bin program had been in effect last season, Lady Byng winner Martin St. Louis, who finished second in league scoring, could have purchased a Honda Civic for $59.
It's April 6.
Tonight the Habs square off against the Bruins.
This morning we take a look back to when the Habs were looking to bolster their scoring -- in an unorthodox way. From the Vault some vintage Brew-ha-ha
Molson adds some pre-game muscle
(April 2, 2011)
MONTREAL – The Montreal Canadiens will attempt to kickstart an anemic offence by serving beer to its players before each game, team owner Geoff Molson announced Friday.
“This city expects a lot of its Canadiens, justifiably so, but it puts a lot of pressure on the players day in day out and it’s beginning to affect their game,” Molson told reporters. “They’re way too tense. And the tension gets worse as the game wears on.”
Molson said he consulted sports psychologists who told him the players need “to lighten up” and relax, if they want to play to the best of their abilities.
“And nothing relaxes a person more than Molson Canadian 67®, a premium beer with just 67 calories but with enough alcohol content, 3%, to take the edge off any stressful situation,” Molson said. “Made from Canadian water, the finest Prairie barley and no preservatives, Molson Canadian 67® delivers a clean, crisp, fresh taste. I’m confident two bottles before each game will put the players at ease and they’ll take to the ice with the right frame of mind: to go out there and have a good time. The wins will follow.”
Molson said the coaching staff will be offered a complimentary beer before each game as well.
“Jacques might need a six-pack to loosen up,” he quipped.
The players welcomed the new tact the team was taking to energize an attack that has been feeble for much of the season.
“We could use some Molson muscle to go into the corners,” said one player who refused to give his name.
Molson said the team will closely monitor the success of its Drink and Drive (To The Net) initiative. If it produces the expected results, the Canadiens will consider serving beer in the first and second intermissions to keep the players loose.
Molson was asked if the team wasn’t risking turning its prime assets into alcoholics.
“I’m not worried. The players will sweat out most of the alcohol,” Molson said. “Well, most of them. If we find any nodding off on the bench, we’ll make the appropriate adjustments. But, really, all we’re doing is time-shifting their consumption of beverage, from after the game to before and during.”
“If they really wanted the offence firing on all cylinders, they’d be serving Samuel Adams Utopias,” the player said.
Kristo's a keeper, let us count the ways
(April 3, 2013)
Montreal’s newest Hab sat down with sportswriter Alexandre Dumas today for an exclusive interview. What Danny ‘Monte’ Kristo had to say will delight Canadien fans and give them reason to be optimistic about the team’s future.
AD: Well, Danny, a lot of Canadien fans are breathing a sigh of relief, now that you’ve finally signed a contract. They feared you might end up elsewhere. But you told reporters they shouldn’t have worried, and you thanked the fans for their patience. What did you mean?
DK: All human wisdom is contained in these two words – Wait and Hope.
AD: That’s one way of looking at it. At the press conference a little while ago, you were asked about the pressure of playing in Montreal where fans are so passionate about the team, that some of them get caught up in the fantasy of being coach and GM, making up lines and engineering trades. They can be demanding. But you shrugged it off and said you understood where they were coming from. Explain.
DK: When you compare the sorrows of real life to the pleasures of the imaginary one, you will never want to live again, only to dream forever.
AD: Wonder what the wives think. It was also mentioned how fierce are the rivalries the Canadiens have with the Bruins and the Leafs. When asked about them, you said you have less of a problem with the Leafs than you do with the Bruins. Why is that?
DK: Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because sometimes they take a rest.
AD: No argument there. Danny, there have been whispers about your character as a result of a few incidents at university but you’ve never lost faith in yourself and it’s clear you fully expect to be playing regularly in the NHL a lot sooner than most people think. How can you be so confident?
DK: A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself.
AD: Your confidence is refreshing. Canadien fans haven’t had much lately, with the team not having won the Cup in 20 years. Many have given up of ever seeing the Canadiens win their 25th championship. What do you say to them?
DK: We are always in a hurry to be happy... for when we have suffered a long time, we have great difficulty in believing in good fortune.”
AD: So?
DK: Remember that what has once been done may be done again.
AD: They’ll love you for saying that, Danny. Okay, one last question: A lot of folks know you’re incredibly fast and have a great shot but they don’t know what your mindset is. What would you say is your philosophy when it comes to playing hockey?
DK: All for one and one for all, united we stand divided we fall.
Well, gang, there you have it, sounds like Danny boy's a perfect fit for the Canadiens.
BIGGEST TRADE EVER!!!!
(Nov. 29, 2011)
MONTREAL – In a Blockbuster™ trade involving 21 players, seven teams and two trainers, the Montreal Canadiens have overhauled their lineup to make a run for a playoff spot.
The Canadiens sent Andrei Markov, Yannick Weber, Mike Cammalleri and Scott Gomez to the Anaheim Ducks who sent Bobby Ryan, Teemu Selanne, a second round draft pick, a third-rate trainer, and Scott Gomez to the Carolina Hurricanes who dispatched Eric Staal, Tim Gleeson, Anthony Stewart, $43,000 and Scott Gomez to the St. Louis Blues who showed David Backes, Kevin Shattenkirk, T.J. Oshie, trainer By Goshie and Scott Gomez the way to the San Jose Sharks who dispatched Dan Boyle, Joe Pavelski, a player to be named Later (by his cash-strapped expectant mother) and Scott Gomez to the Winnipeg Jets who airmailed Andrew Ladd, Alan Ladd, the Man from Ladd, season’s tickets to the Winnipeg Blue Bombers and Scott Gomez to the Columbus Blue Jackets who dealt Rick Nash, Fedor ‘Damn’ Tyuten, Derrick Brassard, future considerations, and past regrets (Scott Gomez) to Montreal. The Canadiens also acquire Gomez’s frequent flyer points and considerable baggage.
“We had to do something, the team was floundering,” general manager Pierre Gauthier wrote on a chalkboard in response to questions directed his way at a press conference.
“Bob Gainey had nothing to do with this at all,” he added for no apparent reason, using semaphore flags.
“And we’re not done,” he tapped out in Morse code, fueling rumors Andreas Engqvist’s days with the organization will soon be over.
The massive player exchange, concluded overnight by means of a video game conference call, stunned the hockey world, but drew widespread praise from most general managers who didn’t get in on the action.
“I’d make that deal in a second,” bellowed Leafs GM Brian Burke.
“Incredible,” said awed Senator GM Brian McMurray.
“The Jets gave away too much,” said odd Islander GM Garth Snow.
Montreal coach Jacques Martin said he’s looking forward to “plugging” Nash, Brassard and Gomez into the lineup to generate some much-needed offence for the goal-strapped Canadiens.
“We got a bunch of pluggers now but these guys, these guys are sure to be electrifying,” Martin quipped, breaking up the gaggle of reporters with another witticism that has made him a fan favourite, and the bane of referees around the league.
A Habs nation divided
(Nov. 23, 2010)
Being a Hab fan, especially the kind that bleeds bleu-blanc-rouge, is an either/or proposition:
Either
We lost to the *^&$*# Flyers. Gave up a two-goal lead. Got badly outplayed in the second. Wasted another fine effort by Price. And an unexpected two-goal performance by Lapierre. Ugh.
But, hey, the team that was expected to fight for a playoff spot, leads its division, stands third in the conference, is getting phenomenal goaltending from Price and outstanding two-way play from Plekanek, and has the best penalty-killing unit in the league. Gawd, just imagine how good this team will really be when Gomez finally gets untracked, the offence develops consistency, Eller sheds the goose egg and the power play starts producing the way it used to.
Or
We’re leading the division and stand third in the conference when we were supposed to be fighting for a playoff spot, Price is giving us phenomenal goaltending and Plekanek has been outstanding at both ends of the ice, and the penalty killing unit is the best in the league. Hooray.
But, geez, we lost to the *^&$*# Flyers. Gave up a two-goal lead. Got badly outplayed in the second. Wasted another fine effort by Price. And an unexpected two-goal performance by Lapierre. Gawd, just imagine how bad this team will really be if Gomez continues to play as he has, the goal scorers remain inconsistent, Eller can’t find the net and the penalty-killing unit starts to weaken.
They say of certain places in Canada that if you don’t like the weather, wait a few minutes and it’ll change. The Habs fans weathervane always gets a good workout. I guess I'm one of those helping to make it spin
Is new award for KO specialists OK with you?
(Nov. 18, 2010)
If fighting is such an important part of hockey, why isn’t there an award for outstanding pugilist among the 20 individual awards the NHL hands out each year?
Think about it, the league recognizes the top scorer and best defenceman, the most outstanding goaltender and defensive forward, and the player who best exemplifies perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication to hockey (Bill Masterton). Heck, they even give out yet another award for sportsmanship – combined with gentlemanly conduct.
But isn’t the flip side of the Lady Byng the player who’s hardnosed, willing to scrap when provoked – and scores goals to boot. There’s been a few players over the years who would fit such a description – the kind most commonly described as power forwards. These guys should have an award as well. They’re every bit as important to a team’s success as a Lady Byng-type player.
We could call the award the Fergie or Probie, the Neeley or Shanny - guys good with their fists but had soft hands around the net.
Obviously we’re not talking goons here, the one-dimensional Derek Booregards and the Jody Shelleys, whose sticks bear the label: This Side Up. No, this award would go to the player who exhibits outstanding sportsmanship ... to a point ... and ungentlemanly conduct when the situation demanded it, but without resort to cheapshots.
And a high standard of playing ability.
I can’t think of a candidate for such an award on the Habs right now. Or on the Flyers. But I’m sure there are a few out there in the league. Any favourites?
All the information you kneed to know about AM
(Nov. 16, 2010)
The Montreal Canadiens have been issuing frequent updates on the status of Andrei Markov’s injured right knee. Here’s a summary of the most recent status reports, minus the webcam images:
7 a.m. Nothing to report
7:05 a.m. Nothing to report
7:10 a.m. Markov reports knee feels itchy and scratches irritated area. Team physicians confirm diagnosis and applaud method of self-treatment.
7:15 a.m. Nothing to report.
7:20 a.m. Nothing to report. Halak gets bombed in 6-3 loss to Avalanche.
7:25 a.m. MRI test results in. Markov scores 87 per cent on multiple choice, but only 52 per cent on short essay questions. Doctors express concern.
7:30 a.m. Sudden swelling in knee prompts team trainer to abort insertion of mini-cam and cancellation of contract to provide exclusive video for HIO subscribers.
7:35 a.m. Nothing to report.
7:55 a.m. Exploratory surgery reveals surprisingly hardly any damage to the anterior cruciate ligament, the posterior cruciate ligament, the lateral meniscus or the medical meniscus. Team says Markov could be ready to play by Thursday.
7:56 a.m. Team retracts statement after learning surgery was performed on left knee, as a result of a poorly handwritten note and a calculated gamble by surgical team advised they were dealing with a lower body injury.
8 a.m. Team announces Markov could be out until after Christmas as a result of complications arising from exploratory surgery on left knee. The right knee, on the other hand, er, leg, is doing fine.
Habs make plans to protect prized asset
(Nov. 15, 2010)
Here’s an update on Markov’s status, courtesy of Heuters, the news agency blah blah blah
MONTREAL – As the Montreal Canadiens prepare once again for life without their top defenceman, the team has devised a plan to protect Andrei Markov’s health when he returns to action.
Markov injured his right knee Saturday when he collided with Carolina’s Eric Staal and could be out for three months. It’s the third time the star defenceman has been sidelined with a leg injury in the last 13 months.
“We’re not sure when Andrei’s going to be ready to play again but when he is, we want to make sure he stays healthy for a long time,” Hab coach Jacques Martin told reporters Monday.
Assistant coach Perry Pearn explained how the team intends to protect its top asset:
“We’ve told Andrei that when he returns he is NOT to play anywhere near the end boards or around our net as these seem to be workplace hazards for him.”
Pearn said the restriction should not hamper Markov’s effectiveness.
“You can’t score a goal from behind the net, and he does have a partner to clear away opponents from in front of the goal, which, let’s face it, Andrei doesn’t do much of now anyway,” Pearn said. “It will still allow him to make those great outlet passes.”
The team has modelled its deployment of Markov after the tabletop hockey game, in which defenders move along a track on their side of the ice in their own end.
The Canadiens already employ a similar system with one of its other defencemen, Hal Gill, based on an older version of the tabletop game, in which the players are stationary but swivel.
Pearn explained Markov will still be allowed to jump into the play in the other team’s end.
“We don’t want him to become a player with a one-track mind,” he said.”Those kinds of players we trade.”
Pearn said bad luck might have been a factor in Markov’s injuries so the team also intends to supply him with a lucky rabbit foot and implant a horseshoe.
At least one reporter was skeptical the Canadiens would limit the movements of their most valuable player and directed his questions to Markov, who sat in a wheelchair with both legs in a cast as a precaution.
“Andrei, I’m finding this hard to believe: You won’t be allowed to play in front of your own net?
“Nyet,” Markov replied, nodding his head.
“Yeah, net. That’s what I’m asking. Are you okay with being told not to go anywhere near your own net?
“Nyet,” Markov replied, shaking his head.
“Yes, net, you dumb Russkie! What are you, hard of hearing? I said net! NET!”
The press conference was quickly ended before the two men came to blows.
It appeared Markov might have broken his arm as he tried to wheel away.
What the frack? They didn't call Shack?
(Nov. 14, 2010)
Habs play the Leafs Saturday. Here’s a ‘scouting report’, courtesy of Heuters, the news agency that keeps readers abreast of world affairs:
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have dipped into their past in hopes of putting an end to their losing skid.
The team announced Monday that it had signed short-term contracts with Red Kelly, Rick Vaive, and Lanny McDonald.
“Kelly’s versatility gives us many options and Vaive, who scored more than 50 goals three times, knows how to put the puck in the net,” said Leaf GM Brian Burke. “McDonald’s also a scorer and, just as importantly, he will serve as an inspiration for all our players involved in the Movember charity fundraiser.”
Burke said the surprise move was an attempt to strike a balance between the team’s youth movement, which has yet to pay dividends, and experience. He denied suggestions the signings were driven by panic.
“Bringing back Eddie Shack, now that would have been panic,” Burke said.
Should the three players pass their medicals, they are expected to be uniform when the Leafs play the Canadiens this Saturday in Montreal. The trio will spend the next few days familiarizing themselves with rule changes since they last played in the NHL.
Kelly said he was looking forward to playing in the Forum again.
“I have a lot of fond memories of those days, which is nice, because a lot of days I don’t have any.”
Coach Ron Wilson said he might experiment partnering Mike Komarisek with Kelly, who won the Norris Trophy the first time it was presented, in 1954.
“As long as Mikey can keep up, I think he will benefit from playing alongside a veteran,” Wilson said.
Reaction to the signings was mixed among current Leaf players. Most praised the move but a few expressed skepticism.
“These guys are ancient,” scoffed one Leaf who wished to remain anonymous. “And one of them is delusional. He said the Leafs HAVE won the Cup – and he was on the team! Yeah, right.”
Burke admitted he had been interested in resurrecting the careers of three other prominent ex-Leafs – Charlie Conacher, Harvey "Busher" Jackson and Joe Primeau – but was forced to abandon the idea when a team official informed him all three members of the Kid Line were deceased.
“Too bad,” remarked one wag at the press conference. “The Dead Line would have fit right in with the other zombies on the team.”
Feeling low? Get better one word at a time
(Nov. 8, 2010)
Tempers are becoming somewhat frayed as our beloved team goes through a rough patch. Fingers are being pointed at certain players – mine too, but sometimes they stay curled up in a fist as I wave it at the television – and the situation will only get worse if we don’t take a timeout to look at things positively. My therapist tells me allowing one’s stream of consciousness to flow freely on occasion can release pent-up anger and frustration and lead to a better outlook on life.
It’s easy. All you have to do is say the first word or two that comes to mind when prompted with the object of one’s ire. If you make the effort and continue long enough with the word association exercise, you’ll end up finding something good to say about a person. Guaranteed.
For instance:
Spacek: slow ... old ...yeller ... dog ... man’s best friend ... Jesus Christ ... Saviour!
Gill: pylon ... stationary ... engineer ... train ... railway ... CPR ... lifesaver ... Hero!
Gomez: Alaskan ... baked ...dessert ... calories ... energy ... crisis ... catastrophe ... doomed ... extinction of species ... Cap space!
And maybe the Bruins would take
the Rocket off our hands
(March 16, 2013)
Dear CanadiensForever,
Don’t get mad, but I really believe the Canadiens should trade Henri Richard while his value is so high. He’s just coming off a season where he scored 18 goals and 36 assists, to finish fourth in team scoring, so he’s worth a lot on the market.
Why trade him, when the team just won its second Cup in a row? Because we’ve got three players whose careers are winding down and we’ll need to replace them sooner rather than later. The Rocket is 35 – 35, can you believe it?!! – and what are the chances of his having another 33 goal, 39 assist season again, like he just did? Age will catch up with him.
It already has with Floyd Curry, who’s 31, and managed just seven goals in 70 games. And Bert Olmstead’s no spring chicken either at 30.
So that’s three wingers right there the team will need to replace in a year, two at most. Why wait?
For a team to stay on top, it makes changes for the better when it can, not when circumstances force it to and weaken its hand. And Richard could land us a plum for the wing. We have a logjam at centre, with Jean Beliveau, Don Marshall, Phil Goyette and Ralph Backstrom.
Now, Marshall, Goyette and Backstrom aren’t the player the Pocket Rocket is NOW but they have great potential – and they’re all at least three inches taller than he is. Richard’s good but at his height, I can’t see him lasting long in the league, with all the pounding he’ll take.
Who could we get for him? Well, last-place Chicago’s got a pair of right wingers, Ed Litzenberger and Eric Nesterenko, who are over six feet tall who would look good in a Habs uniform.
Toronto’s badly in need of a centre – Ted Kennedy’s 31 and the Leafs’ top point-getter in the position is Rudy ‘Migawd’ Migay – so it will leap at the chance to get a star player like Richard. I’d take a prospect like Frank Mahovlich, who’s a year younger than Richard but six inches taller and, I’m told, has quite a shot.
Of course, we’d have to get a second player to make the trade fair, so I’d be pushing for someone like Bob Pulford. I think Pulford will have a better career than Mahovlich because he’s also good defensively. The Canadiens would be wise to make it appear like he’s just an add-on and not arouse the suspicions of the Leafs’ general manager, Howie Meeker.
Well, CanFor, there you have it, that’s what I’d do if I were the Habs’ GM.
I really enjoy these exchanges. I only wish there was a faster way to communicate than letters and it wasn’t so expensive to make phone calls from one side of the country to the other. My fingers get cramped from writing all the letters to members of the Habs’ fan club.
By the way, what did you think of HabinVerdun’s suggestion teams play a five-minute sudden death overtime so there wouldn’t be as many ties? What’s he been drinking?
Yeah, three of the teams had 12 ties last season, one had 14 and two had 15 but what’s wrong with that? Why keep teams longer on the ice when there’s a long train ride waiting for them after the game?
I don’t know where some of the guys get their ideas, but it’s always fun to read what they have to say.
Talk to you later, bud.
Snoozy Lalonde
A sure-fire way to cream the opposition
(March 15, 2013)
Are you a goaltender whose team appears headed to the playoffs and there’s a really good chance you could wind up in the Stanley Cup final?
Sure, there are flaws in the team’s game – no team is perfect – but they’re no worse than any your opponents have.
Except for one.
Your defence is undersized or plays small. It has trouble keeping the other teams’ forwards out of your face. Rivals block your view, and get in the way while you’re trying to make a save.
When you’re winning, the problem’s nothing more than a minor irritant but as the season draws to end and the pressure mounts, that pimple could burst your dream of a championship.
Incredibly, your GM is doing nothing to get rid of the blockhead (or two) in the lineup.
Don’t wait until it’s too late. Act now.
The answer is clear.
The answer is ClearACrease®.
Liberally apply this noxious cream to your uniform and equipment and watch your foes scatter.
Remove that welcome mat they’ve placed at your doorstep.
One whiff of you and they’ll start whiffing their shots.
ClearACrease® is the ideal solution for a porous defence that doesn’t clog up the lanes and allows opposing teams into your crease, increasing the odds of a goal being scored.
When blueliners aren’t doing their job, it’s up to you to plug the holes. Nose holes, in particular.
ClearACrease® is guaranteed to fill the nostrils of opponents with a stench so powerful few, if any, will venture anywhere near your ‘workplace’. Those who dare to try will be instantly overcome with nausea and collapse, providing an additional barrier to shots along the ice making it into the net.
But won’t ClearACrease® overpower its own user, you ask.
Yes – if applied all at once. But when applied in small increments over a four week period, the cream causes the user to lose his sense of smell.
Then he can lather it on as much as he wants.
The results are impressive.
“I’ve been using ClearACrease® for decades and I’ve won more games than any other goalie, three Stanley Cups and four Vezina Trophies,” says Martin Ordure, who hasn’t been able to smell roses in 25 years.
ClearACrease®’s active ingredients include dried skunk scent glands, baby poo extract, shredded Conservative campaign literature, and Brut.
In addition to removing filth and grit from goalmouths, ClearACrease® also melts show showers before they reach your face, and discourages annoying head bumps from teammates after a victory.
ClearACrease® does have its limits. Its makers cannot guarantee unblemished performances by goaltenders. Shots from centre ice that bounce in for a goal and other ‘softies’ are beyond the cream’s powers to make vanish.
Side effects may include extended periods of loneliness, loss of hair and shrunken testicles.
League places large order for spittoons
(Nov. 13,2010)
NEW YORK - The National Hockey League has ordered its players to quit spitting, citing a newly released World Health Organization study that warns the longstanding habit constitutes a public health risk.
The study said copious amounts of spit are so prevalent in the league’s 30 arenas that anyone entering the buildings are at risk of contracting infectious diseases. Ice surfaces, in particular, held the greatest potential for making people sick. The study determined that ice in the rinks contained 10 per cent saliva (trace amounts of excrement were also found at the Air Canada Centre).
“We are committed to providing a safe and healthy environment for the public and for our players,” the NHL said in a statement. “Effective immediately, players are banned from expectorating while on team property.”
The league issued a second news release providing a definition of expectorate.
Air lines and bus companies have asked to be added to the list of prohibited areas.
A league source said the NHL directive wasn’t triggered by health concerns alone, however. A recent ugly incident between a player and a spectator contributed to its urgency to take action.
According to a police investigation, the player was headed to the dressing room when he responded to a heckler with a liquid rejoinder.
“That’s when the spit hit the fan,” the source said.
The alleged victim has filed a civil lawsuit accusing the player of uncivil behaviour.
The player told police it’s an accepted practice among athletes “to relieve themselves of stress-induced saliva in the most expeditious manner possible. Eh.”
“Spit happens,” the player said.
The WHO study of the 30 arenas bears this out. It found evidence of saliva in dressing rooms, showers, washrooms, walkways, lobbies, stairwells, elevators, and escalators, as well as on door handles, handrails, fake plants, referees and linesmen. A full list can be found at www.WHO.ugh.
A check of the DNA database maintained by the NHL determined that 97 per cent of the spittle belonged to players and a few beat reporters.
The National Hockey League Players Association has said it will fight the league’s ban.
“We’re just salivating at the chance to take this to court,” said an NHLPA mouthpiece.
The association said it would be willing to consider a compromise that would place spittoons at benches and on top of nets and equip referees with spit jars.
A WHO spokesman acknowledged in an interview that people would have to lick the surfaces on which the spittle was found in order to become infected.
“Remember, though, we’re talking hockey fans,” he said.
There's madness in his method
(Nov. 29, 2010)
MONTREAL – A six-game streak of alternating wins and losses is not a sign of a Montreal Canadiens team in trouble but part of a grand design to enter the playoffs on a roll, says coach Jacques Martin.
“Lose-win-lose-win-lose-win – that’s what I asked the boys to do and they’ve come through with flying colours,” Martin told reporters following the team’s 3-1 win over the Buffalo Sabres Saturday night.
Martin said if the team continues to play .500 hockey the rest of the season – as planned – it will finish with 89 points. That’s likely not good enough to ensure a playoff spot so Martin and his coaching staff have instructed the players to break the pattern at the very end and win the last four games on the schedule, to reach 93 points, and have momentum on their side entering the post-season.
Martin admitted it’s a risky plan but he explained – five times – there was method in his madness.
“Those games we have pencilled in as losses will allow us to experiment, and not have to worry about winning, which can be bit of a distraction,” Martin said.
The experimenting would include sitting Scott Gomez, having Hal Gill wave his hands in front of the goaltender during power plays – “their goalie, our power plays,” Martin quickly clarified – and painting a huge eye on the fronts of players’ helmets to intimidate the opposition.
“Scarify ‘em,” he said, slipping into a Southern accent for some reason.
Martin said his bipolar win-lose system is a “win-win” for the team. The Habs win every other game while simultaneously morphing into a squad that other teams won’t be able to prepare for in the playoffs, not knowing what to expect.
Now that the players have bought into his system, with all proceeds going to local charities, Martin said he will begin his experimenting Wednesday – loss No. 4 in the new scheme -- against the visiting Oilers by having the Canadiens wear the Oilers’ home uniforms.
“I might even juggle the lines,” he said, before having second thoughts. “Nah, too much of a gamble. The guys would never develop any chemistry if I did that.”
By the end of the press conference, Martin had won over even his harshest critics in the media with his novel approach.
“It’s not half-bad,” said one.
“But it is,” pointed out another, “– but also half-good.”
Martin even provided the scores for the team’s next three games: Edmonton 3 Montreal 2, Montreal 2 New Jersey , and San Jose 3 Montreal 1.
(Nov. 29, 2010)
MONTREAL – A six-game streak of alternating wins and losses is not a sign of a Montreal Canadiens team in trouble but part of a grand design to enter the playoffs on a roll, says coach Jacques Martin.
“Lose-win-lose-win-lose-win – that’s what I asked the boys to do and they’ve come through with flying colours,” Martin told reporters following the team’s 3-1 win over the Buffalo Sabres Saturday night.
Martin said if the team continues to play .500 hockey the rest of the season – as planned – it will finish with 89 points. That’s likely not good enough to ensure a playoff spot so Martin and his coaching staff have instructed the players to break the pattern at the very end and win the last four games on the schedule, to reach 93 points, and have momentum on their side entering the post-season.
Martin admitted it’s a risky plan but he explained – five times – there was method in his madness.
“Those games we have pencilled in as losses will allow us to experiment, and not have to worry about winning, which can be bit of a distraction,” Martin said.
The experimenting would include sitting Scott Gomez, having Hal Gill wave his hands in front of the goaltender during power plays – “their goalie, our power plays,” Martin quickly clarified – and painting a huge eye on the fronts of players’ helmets to intimidate the opposition.
“Scarify ‘em,” he said, slipping into a Southern accent for some reason.
Martin said his bipolar win-lose system is a “win-win” for the team. The Habs win every other game while simultaneously morphing into a squad that other teams won’t be able to prepare for in the playoffs, not knowing what to expect.
Now that the players have bought into his system, with all proceeds going to local charities, Martin said he will begin his experimenting Wednesday – loss No. 4 in the new scheme -- against the visiting Oilers by having the Canadiens wear the Oilers’ home uniforms.
“I might even juggle the lines,” he said, before having second thoughts. “Nah, too much of a gamble. The guys would never develop any chemistry if I did that.”
By the end of the press conference, Martin had won over even his harshest critics in the media with his novel approach.
“It’s not half-bad,” said one.
“But it is,” pointed out another, “– but also half-good.”
Martin even provided the scores for the team’s next three games: Edmonton 3 Montreal 2, Montreal 2 New Jersey , and San Jose 3 Montreal 1.
If NHL insists on having shootouts ...
(Nov. 11, 2010)
As entertaining as shootouts can be, I’m not a fan of them. It reduces a team sport to a one-on-one skills competition, nailing to the bench the different strengths teams bring to play to win games: airtight penalty killing, potent power play, hardnosed defensive play, aggressive forechecking, line matching ... you get the idea.
Why not borrow an idea from the CFL, where each team is given the opportunity to score starting from the opponent’s 35-yard-line?
If, after regulation, two teams in the NHL remain tied, why not give each a power play, with a coin toss to decide who will be given the choice of going first or second. Then go to a shootout, if necessary, if the score remains tied.
You could make things really interesting, and increase the chances of breaking the tie, by making it a 5-on-3 power play.
I suggest doing away with the OT simply because the teams already played 60 minutes at even strength without resolving anything.
Cherry picking in the middle of winter
(Nov. 11, 2010)
The collective consternation over the lack of offensive might on the part of the Canadiens has me losing sleep nights as well. Like many others here I’ve tried to address the situation with various posts, most recently, with the issue of line combinations. I proffered two approaches: scientific (numerology) and random (pull names from a hat), to which, in hindsight, I should have appended the universal symbol ( –
Undaunted by the lack of response from the Habs organization – they do read these posts, right? – I wish to put forward another proposition to cure the team’s scoring woes. You might recognize this stratagem as cherry picking.
Simply put, have a speedy forward cruise along the opponent’s blueline while play is deep inside the Canadiens’ end. Given the team’s prowess in playing shorthanded – tied for 7th in the league – it shouldn’t be too great a task for the Habs to ward off the other team’s artificial man advantage until the opportunity arose to clear the puck to where the cherry picker awaits for delivery of the fruit. From there, it shouldn’t be too hard to carry the freight to its appointed destination – the top shelf.
Given that the Canadiens are able to kill off 87.5 per cent of their penalties, they risk being scored upon once every eight times they attempt this manoeuvre. But it could also mean they get a glittering scoring chance seven times out of eight.
Naturally, the Canadiens would have to vary how they choose to make the pass – up the middle, left boards, right boards, high flip – all of which would be agreed upon in advance on the bench before the play was to be executed. True, it only holds out the possibility of generating excellent scoring opportunities but, at minimum, it should rattle the other team’s defence, at key points in the game.
A more deceptive variation would be to hold back a player on a line change and then spring him loose when play again was deep in the Habs’ end. This has the element of surprise as well as a lingering unsettling effect on the foe.
Oh yes, one more thing
For your viewing pleasure ...
(Nov. 11, 2010)
Just received the HIO website listings for November. Here’s a few of the shows you won’t want to miss (or be able to):
‘Whatever Happened to ...?’ – Jaroslav Halak
‘Where Are They Now?’
Nov. 10 – Jaroslav Halak, Columbus
Nov. 11 – Jaroslav Halak, Nashville
Nov. 13 – Jaroslav Halak, Phoenix
Nov. 15 – Jaroslav Halak, Denver
Nov. 17 – Jaroslav Halak, Detroit
‘The Amazing Race’
– Jaroslav Halak and the St. Louis Blues build momentum in their quest to reach the Stanley Cup finish line before all the other competitors.
‘Two and a Half Men’
– The story behind the Jaroslav Slak trade: the players who went the other way and the GM who pulled the trigger.
‘The Biggest Loser’
– Montreal fans try to come to grips with departure of Jaroslav Halak while Scott Gomez remains in uniform.
‘Glee’
– St. Louis fans react to trade that brings Jaroslav Halak to the Blues.
‘The Price is Right’
– Game show in which the same player each instalment gives fellow contestants ample chances to win.
Random flushes in the toilet bowl of punditry
(Nov. 9, 2010)
– When will the Canadien forwards realize the scoresheet is not meant to be a record of attendance?
– With a goal and an assist in 14 games, why are we still calling Lapierre Maxim? Shouldn’t it be Minim?
– If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, what do you call coming up with different lines over and over again and getting the same result?
Getting more bang for the puck
(Nov. 9, 2010)
As fond as I am of Gomez as a playmaker and locker room wit, I, like so many other posters to this site, am disappointed with his current level of productivity. But rather than dwell on the negative, I offer the following tips to help him rehabilitate his image, as well as give his employer full value for the $8 million he is being paid this season:
– escort fans to their seats before games
– give teammates neck massages on the bench as he awaits his next shift
– sell autographs during intermissions (Plekanec’s)
– donate a kidney
There is one more suggestion he might want to contemplate when he eventually breaks out of his slump. Have the puck(s) he scored with mounted and auctioned off to collectors of Hab memorabilia, with the proceeds to go to charity.
Consider the appeal such a souvenir would have for hard-core collectors. Say, for example, he scores five goals the rest of the season – I’m a glass half-full kind of guy – the winning bidders for the trophy pucks could boast they acquired rare pieces of Hab history at a fraction of its cost to the team, even if they should pay thousands for the acquisition.
I know one would look good in my den.
Make the most of good things in small packages
(Oct. 31, 2010)
Drastic measures are needed to prime the Punchless Pair. Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta, two-thirds of the What’s My Line, aren’t racking up the points. Various players have had auditions to fill the third spot on their line but none have proved to be the sparkplug that’s needed. So why not experiment with someone in the system who IS a sparkplug and piling up the goals: Brendan Gallagher. He’s potted 16 goals in 18 games and sports a +15.
At 5'8", he wouldn’t look out of place with the other two. Sure, the Tiny Trio might not win many puck battles along the boards but they should do wonders with their cycling game and they’d annoy the hell out of the defence by buzzing around the net like gnats. Who’s to say a blur in front the net wouldn’t serve just as good a screen for shots from the point as a stationary hulk set up in front of the goalie?
The G-String could turn into this generation’s Pocket Rockets.
(Oct. 31, 2010)
Drastic measures are needed to prime the Punchless Pair. Scott Gomez and Brian Gionta, two-thirds of the What’s My Line, aren’t racking up the points. Various players have had auditions to fill the third spot on their line but none have proved to be the sparkplug that’s needed. So why not experiment with someone in the system who IS a sparkplug and piling up the goals: Brendan Gallagher. He’s potted 16 goals in 18 games and sports a +15.
At 5'8", he wouldn’t look out of place with the other two. Sure, the Tiny Trio might not win many puck battles along the boards but they should do wonders with their cycling game and they’d annoy the hell out of the defence by buzzing around the net like gnats. Who’s to say a blur in front the net wouldn’t serve just as good a screen for shots from the point as a stationary hulk set up in front of the goalie?
The G-String could turn into this generation’s Pocket Rockets.
League should start using its head
(Oct. 22, 2010)
All this talk about concussions, here’s a suggestion to cut down on head shots: Six-inch spikes on helmets (colour-co-ordinated, of course). The kind capable of slipping through vents or shattering shields. Might get players to think twice about taking a run. And it would make face-offs and battles along the boards more interesting as the players vie for control of the puck like stags rutting.
Alternatively, you could attach audio devices to players’ helmets. As soon as a player was struck in the head by a stick, elbow or shoulder, or driven into the boards, a loud ‘Kaplooie’ would sound or ‘Cheapshot!’ or some other sound effect more to the liking of fans based on the suggestions of focus groups.
There would be no arguing over the infraction, the penalty would make its own call. You could even have the device announcing anywhere from ‘One Game’ to ‘10 Game Suspension’ depending on the severity of the blow as determined by pressure sensors. Makes a much sense as some of the punishment now being handed out by the NHL.
Or you could have the athletes come to their senses and realize that, in addition, to jeopardizing the career of a fellow employee (of the league, not the team) they run the risk of triggering a precedent-setting workplace violence lawsuit in which the NHL and players’ union would be named as co-defendants for not doing more to protect their employees and members.
Yes, hockey is physical but some of these hits are criminal in the assailants’ disregard for the victim’s safety, and certainly grounds for civil action by a maverick injured player frustrated by a system that could do more to protect the long-term health of its most valuable assets
(Oct. 22, 2010)
All this talk about concussions, here’s a suggestion to cut down on head shots: Six-inch spikes on helmets (colour-co-ordinated, of course). The kind capable of slipping through vents or shattering shields. Might get players to think twice about taking a run. And it would make face-offs and battles along the boards more interesting as the players vie for control of the puck like stags rutting.
Alternatively, you could attach audio devices to players’ helmets. As soon as a player was struck in the head by a stick, elbow or shoulder, or driven into the boards, a loud ‘Kaplooie’ would sound or ‘Cheapshot!’ or some other sound effect more to the liking of fans based on the suggestions of focus groups.
There would be no arguing over the infraction, the penalty would make its own call. You could even have the device announcing anywhere from ‘One Game’ to ‘10 Game Suspension’ depending on the severity of the blow as determined by pressure sensors. Makes a much sense as some of the punishment now being handed out by the NHL.
Or you could have the athletes come to their senses and realize that, in addition, to jeopardizing the career of a fellow employee (of the league, not the team) they run the risk of triggering a precedent-setting workplace violence lawsuit in which the NHL and players’ union would be named as co-defendants for not doing more to protect their employees and members.
Yes, hockey is physical but some of these hits are criminal in the assailants’ disregard for the victim’s safety, and certainly grounds for civil action by a maverick injured player frustrated by a system that could do more to protect the long-term health of its most valuable assets