Canadiens warned: No funny stuff!
(June 9, 2021)
The National Hockey League has warned the Montreal Canadiens they will be "under the micrscope" in their next series and "will be dealt with harshly if anything untoward happens that results in the loss of an opponent's star player or two.""
Montreal general manager Marc Bergevin dismissed the warning, saying his team "won't be intimidated by intimations the Canadiens are a dirty team."
"We're not. What happened in the first two series (when key Toronto Maple Leaf and Winnipeg Jet players ended up not playing) was not our fault. It was all their doing -- and I've got videos to prove it."
Bergevin said he can't help it if the black cloud that seems to be following Montrea'l's opponents has "a silver lining" for the Canadiens.
"Hopefully, it will turn into a silver cup by the time we're done," he said.
(June 9, 2021)
The National Hockey League has warned the Montreal Canadiens they will be "under the micrscope" in their next series and "will be dealt with harshly if anything untoward happens that results in the loss of an opponent's star player or two.""
Montreal general manager Marc Bergevin dismissed the warning, saying his team "won't be intimidated by intimations the Canadiens are a dirty team."
"We're not. What happened in the first two series (when key Toronto Maple Leaf and Winnipeg Jet players ended up not playing) was not our fault. It was all their doing -- and I've got videos to prove it."
Bergevin said he can't help it if the black cloud that seems to be following Montrea'l's opponents has "a silver lining" for the Canadiens.
"Hopefully, it will turn into a silver cup by the time we're done," he said.
NHL adjusts to life with COVID-19 outbreaks
(Feb. 9, 2021)
Fearing its season is going down the drain because of COVID-19, the National Hockey League has ordered teams to play three-on-three hockey the rest of the way.
The league was forced to take the extraordinary step after three of its teams -- the Buffalo Sabres, Minnesota Wild and New Jersey Devils – had more of their games postponed this week because of COVID-19 protocols
The NHL has decided its only hope to finish the season is for teams to divide into two squads and have them play separate schedules.
“It's the best shot we have of making it to the playoffs and not have everything scuttled by the pandemic,” said a spokesman for the Department of Player Safety.
The two squads on each team will not practise together to eliminate contact and with it the potential spread of the coronavirus which has thrown a monkey wrench in the 2021 season.
Thirty-three games have been postponed thus far, and 15 have yet to be rescheduled.
The new system should fix that, “fingers crossed,” the spokesman said.
“The way it will work, the teams' A squads will play each other, the same with the B's. At the end we'll average the winning percentages for the two squads combined to determine the overall standings. If teams get COVID-19, it shouldn't disrupt our schedule. Members of the infected squad will go into quarantine while the other squad carries on. Again, winning percentages, not points, will decide who finishes where.”
One further change: Games will be shortened to 45 minutes, given the extraordinary pace that three-on-three hockey engenders, and the smaller lineups that teams will be dressing for the matches.
The spokesman said the format change will apply to American-based teams only. The North Division hasn't experienced any disruptions.
“Players on the seven Canadian teams don't seem to mind dividing their time between home or the hotel and the rink, apart from trips on the plane and bus,” he said.
“Maybe it's the difference in culture: Canada's “peace, order and good government” versus America's “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
The NHL will exercise an abundance of caution by playing the Stanley Cup semi-final and final in Canada, at a neutral site, “probably Vancouver,” the spokesman said.
(Feb. 9, 2021)
Fearing its season is going down the drain because of COVID-19, the National Hockey League has ordered teams to play three-on-three hockey the rest of the way.
The league was forced to take the extraordinary step after three of its teams -- the Buffalo Sabres, Minnesota Wild and New Jersey Devils – had more of their games postponed this week because of COVID-19 protocols
The NHL has decided its only hope to finish the season is for teams to divide into two squads and have them play separate schedules.
“It's the best shot we have of making it to the playoffs and not have everything scuttled by the pandemic,” said a spokesman for the Department of Player Safety.
The two squads on each team will not practise together to eliminate contact and with it the potential spread of the coronavirus which has thrown a monkey wrench in the 2021 season.
Thirty-three games have been postponed thus far, and 15 have yet to be rescheduled.
The new system should fix that, “fingers crossed,” the spokesman said.
“The way it will work, the teams' A squads will play each other, the same with the B's. At the end we'll average the winning percentages for the two squads combined to determine the overall standings. If teams get COVID-19, it shouldn't disrupt our schedule. Members of the infected squad will go into quarantine while the other squad carries on. Again, winning percentages, not points, will decide who finishes where.”
One further change: Games will be shortened to 45 minutes, given the extraordinary pace that three-on-three hockey engenders, and the smaller lineups that teams will be dressing for the matches.
The spokesman said the format change will apply to American-based teams only. The North Division hasn't experienced any disruptions.
“Players on the seven Canadian teams don't seem to mind dividing their time between home or the hotel and the rink, apart from trips on the plane and bus,” he said.
“Maybe it's the difference in culture: Canada's “peace, order and good government” versus America's “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”
The NHL will exercise an abundance of caution by playing the Stanley Cup semi-final and final in Canada, at a neutral site, “probably Vancouver,” the spokesman said.
Rally NHL's response to COVID-19 pandemic
(9:20 a.m., June 20)
The National Hockey League will hold a rally next Tuesday and it's told players, coaches and support staff on teams involved in the play-ins/playoffs that they must attend.
The hastily organized “Getting to Know You” rally, which the NHL is promoting as “a bonding event,” will be held in a New York auditorium that can hold up to 1,500 people.
“It's a proactive move, to expose everyone to COVID-19 at the same time so they can immediately begin the 14-day self-isolation stuff,” said a high-placed league official who requested anonymity.
Eleven players recently tested positive for coronavirus and “the league is scared it might have to call off the playoffs if something isn't done right away to get the situation under control.”
The league figures its “best chance” is to spread the disease in a controlled setting and then start the clock on everyone's condition getting “resolved” so it can go ahead with the post-season as planned, the source said.
“Sure, there's a risk some might actually become ill but that's a gamble the league is willing to take,” he said. “In fact, most of the individuals are young, healthy athletes so the chances of them being anything but asymptomatic is remote.”
The NHL recognizes that everyone else, coaches included, are at greater risk of becoming sick because of their age and physical condition, “but the league is prepared to cover most of their medical costs should they require special care,” the source said.
“Funeral expenses, of course, will be 100 per cent looked after.”
Referees, linesmen and off-ice officials have also been told they are to attend the day-long rally, which will include bingo, dunk tanks, arm wrestling and spitting contests, karaoke, tugs-of-war, tattoos and piercings, crokinole and chess tournaments, games of chance, and a sing-a-long with NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.
There will be an all-day buffet as well.
After the rally, cots, partitions and port-a-potties will be set out in the auditorium which will serve as the participants' temporary quarters for the next two weeks.
Should anyone test positive at the end of the isolation, the process will begin all over again, the source said.
“The NHL is pulling out all the stops to give fans what they want, and it's prepared to go that extra mile to make sure it happens.”
The National Hockey League Players' Association issued a statement saying it's “not happy” with the league's plans but agreed not to stand in its way, having received guarantees certain conditions will be met, including high-speed internet, fresh bedding, free bar and choice of music.
“Although we chose not to file a grievance we did reserve the right to grieve if things don't go as well as planned,” union boss Donald Fehr said.
(9:20 a.m., June 20)
The National Hockey League will hold a rally next Tuesday and it's told players, coaches and support staff on teams involved in the play-ins/playoffs that they must attend.
The hastily organized “Getting to Know You” rally, which the NHL is promoting as “a bonding event,” will be held in a New York auditorium that can hold up to 1,500 people.
“It's a proactive move, to expose everyone to COVID-19 at the same time so they can immediately begin the 14-day self-isolation stuff,” said a high-placed league official who requested anonymity.
Eleven players recently tested positive for coronavirus and “the league is scared it might have to call off the playoffs if something isn't done right away to get the situation under control.”
The league figures its “best chance” is to spread the disease in a controlled setting and then start the clock on everyone's condition getting “resolved” so it can go ahead with the post-season as planned, the source said.
“Sure, there's a risk some might actually become ill but that's a gamble the league is willing to take,” he said. “In fact, most of the individuals are young, healthy athletes so the chances of them being anything but asymptomatic is remote.”
The NHL recognizes that everyone else, coaches included, are at greater risk of becoming sick because of their age and physical condition, “but the league is prepared to cover most of their medical costs should they require special care,” the source said.
“Funeral expenses, of course, will be 100 per cent looked after.”
Referees, linesmen and off-ice officials have also been told they are to attend the day-long rally, which will include bingo, dunk tanks, arm wrestling and spitting contests, karaoke, tugs-of-war, tattoos and piercings, crokinole and chess tournaments, games of chance, and a sing-a-long with NHL commissioner Gary Bettman.
There will be an all-day buffet as well.
After the rally, cots, partitions and port-a-potties will be set out in the auditorium which will serve as the participants' temporary quarters for the next two weeks.
Should anyone test positive at the end of the isolation, the process will begin all over again, the source said.
“The NHL is pulling out all the stops to give fans what they want, and it's prepared to go that extra mile to make sure it happens.”
The National Hockey League Players' Association issued a statement saying it's “not happy” with the league's plans but agreed not to stand in its way, having received guarantees certain conditions will be met, including high-speed internet, fresh bedding, free bar and choice of music.
“Although we chose not to file a grievance we did reserve the right to grieve if things don't go as well as planned,” union boss Donald Fehr said.
Fans' futile attempts to overcome teams' futility
(4:25 p.m., June 3, 2020)
Researchers with the North American Institute of Amateur Analytics say fans of National Hockey League teams who offer unsolicited advice, often in great detail, “have not helped produce a single Stanley Cup winner in the 50 years that the institute has operated.”
“In fact, there is ample evidence that teams deliberately do the opposite of what these 'fanalysts' propose if only to show who's boss,” said institute director Dick Donbea.
“How else to explain why so many general managers make trades that have no apparent rationale other than to drive their critics up the wall,” he said.
Donbea said the nonprofit organization collected data from a variety of sources over the past five decades; they included newspaper accounts, transcripts of sports radio call-in shows, letters and telegrams to general managers and coaches, and, more recently, emails and fan forum archives.
“It's amazing the amount of time fans everywhere spend on crafting trades, line formations, goalie rotations and coaching strategies – to no discernible effect, at least nothing that was verifiable, although there are some fans who, to this day, claim they helped Jean Perron coach the Montreal Canadiens to their 23rd Stanley Cup win in 1986,” Donbea said.
“And there are hundreds who told us in interviews that if Rejean Houle had listened to them, he'd still be general manager.”
“They've pretty much given up on Marc Bergevin, although there is still a handful serving up nostrums to return the team to glory.”
Donbea said he understands why a dedicated corps of ardent team followers would spend so much effort devising solutions “knowing deep down they will fall on deaf ears.”
“Their heart is in the right place, they want their team to succeed, but their mind is in a really dark place,” he said. “Yours would be, too, if you're cheering for a team that sucks, for no other reason than loyalty.”
Donbea said what they're doing is “a form of therapy to ameliorate the demoralizing effect of seeing people occupying positions of authority who haven't a clue what they're doing. They don't start out feeling superior to general managers and coaches, even trainers, but that's where they usually end up after the objects of their disaffection have been on the job for three months or so.”
Donbea said acting out fantasies of being a general manager or coach is “harmless role-playing.”
“If they didn't have this outlet, who knows what they might do to channel their anger and frustrations. Write fake news stories? Good grief, that's not what the world needs more of.”
(4:25 p.m., June 3, 2020)
Researchers with the North American Institute of Amateur Analytics say fans of National Hockey League teams who offer unsolicited advice, often in great detail, “have not helped produce a single Stanley Cup winner in the 50 years that the institute has operated.”
“In fact, there is ample evidence that teams deliberately do the opposite of what these 'fanalysts' propose if only to show who's boss,” said institute director Dick Donbea.
“How else to explain why so many general managers make trades that have no apparent rationale other than to drive their critics up the wall,” he said.
Donbea said the nonprofit organization collected data from a variety of sources over the past five decades; they included newspaper accounts, transcripts of sports radio call-in shows, letters and telegrams to general managers and coaches, and, more recently, emails and fan forum archives.
“It's amazing the amount of time fans everywhere spend on crafting trades, line formations, goalie rotations and coaching strategies – to no discernible effect, at least nothing that was verifiable, although there are some fans who, to this day, claim they helped Jean Perron coach the Montreal Canadiens to their 23rd Stanley Cup win in 1986,” Donbea said.
“And there are hundreds who told us in interviews that if Rejean Houle had listened to them, he'd still be general manager.”
“They've pretty much given up on Marc Bergevin, although there is still a handful serving up nostrums to return the team to glory.”
Donbea said he understands why a dedicated corps of ardent team followers would spend so much effort devising solutions “knowing deep down they will fall on deaf ears.”
“Their heart is in the right place, they want their team to succeed, but their mind is in a really dark place,” he said. “Yours would be, too, if you're cheering for a team that sucks, for no other reason than loyalty.”
Donbea said what they're doing is “a form of therapy to ameliorate the demoralizing effect of seeing people occupying positions of authority who haven't a clue what they're doing. They don't start out feeling superior to general managers and coaches, even trainers, but that's where they usually end up after the objects of their disaffection have been on the job for three months or so.”
Donbea said acting out fantasies of being a general manager or coach is “harmless role-playing.”
“If they didn't have this outlet, who knows what they might do to channel their anger and frustrations. Write fake news stories? Good grief, that's not what the world needs more of.”
NHL stars choosing other career paths
(10:05 a.m., May 2, 2020)
When the National Hockey League finally resumes play, several of its star players won't be in the lineup. They've decided to retire after spending weeks in self-isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic.
“Being away from the game for so long and not being antsy to return to action made me realize I don't need hockey to define myself as a person,” Sydney Crosby said on Facebook.
“And I certainly don't need the money.”
His new passion is dot painting. It was a relatively easy transition for the Pittsburgh Penguin centre to make. He went from being an athlete who collects points to being an artist who's a pointillist.
“It's not about points-per-game anymore, but points-per-canvas,” Crosby said.
Other all-stars to “find” themselves while away from the sport include Nathan MacKinnon, Nikita Kucherov, Elias Pettersson and Brad Marchand.
MacKinnon has taken up sculpting, Kucherov has written an opera, Pettersson is reworking the final act of his first play, and Marchand is close to finishing a children's book.
“I've only three more pages to read!” he wrote on Facebook, holding up a copy of The Berenstain Bears At The Beach.
All five players said having time on their hands led them to re-examine their lives and to think about the future in a way they've never done before.
“Stats are fine but somewhat insubstantial. Statues are significant,” said MacKinnon, whose current project is a six-foot puck made of granite that's also a pie chart showing the average TOI for each member of his team just before the coronavirus ended the season.
“An Avalanche fan commissioned it,” he said. “It's a statement on how our lives can be cut short by the unexpected. I was humbled by the realization.”
Crosby said the painstaking detail -- “more pleasure than pain, really” -- that pointillism requires led him to look at all aspects of his life “at a granular level. What I found was there are many gaps in my life that need to be filled, if I want to be the person I think can be. I mean, I've collected 801 assists in my career, but did I help, really help anyone? Yeah, a lot of wingers get bigger contracts because of me but I don't think I was put on earth to put more money in people's wallets. I want to do more with my life. It's time to move on.”
Crosby has become his own general manager and his trading his existence for a new way of life, that of an artist who has something to say.
He's currently working on a painting of spectators at a hockey game set in Tampa Bay.
“Each face is a symbol -- Love, Compassion, Wisdom, Spirituality, you get the idea. Not traits you'd find at a typical game but its message is aspirational. The bolt on the souvenir jerseys worn by the fans represents the suddenness of their achieving a higher level of consciousness. I call it The Enlightening.”
Kucherov announced a week ago he had completed his opera, “a critical interpretation of Russia under the rule of Vladimir Putin.”
He was last seen arriving in Moscow to negotiate its world premiere with the Russian State Ballet and Opera House,
Pettersson said his play on climate change, Fjord, offers a dire warning about mankind's future if “our rapacity isn't reined in.”
Half of the proceeds from performances will be donated to the World Transformation Fund (WTF), he said.
Marchand started out treating self-isolation as “extended stay in the penalty box without the plexi-glass – although I would sit in the shower every so often to recapture the feeling.”
He even scattered water bottles around his apartment, spat on the carpet, and licked the TV screen once in a while so he wouldn't “go batty.”
Eventually he decided to do some reading and now he's glad he started.
“It's a whole new world,” he said.
The Boston Bruin has decided to “act normal when life returns to normal,” even if it means giving up hockey.
“Hockey's been good to me – I won't ever have to work again – but now it's time for me to be good to others. A good citizen and a good person.”
“I've learned my lesson: You don't have to act tough just because you're ugly. The Berenstain Bears taught me that.”
(10:05 a.m., May 2, 2020)
When the National Hockey League finally resumes play, several of its star players won't be in the lineup. They've decided to retire after spending weeks in self-isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic.
“Being away from the game for so long and not being antsy to return to action made me realize I don't need hockey to define myself as a person,” Sydney Crosby said on Facebook.
“And I certainly don't need the money.”
His new passion is dot painting. It was a relatively easy transition for the Pittsburgh Penguin centre to make. He went from being an athlete who collects points to being an artist who's a pointillist.
“It's not about points-per-game anymore, but points-per-canvas,” Crosby said.
Other all-stars to “find” themselves while away from the sport include Nathan MacKinnon, Nikita Kucherov, Elias Pettersson and Brad Marchand.
MacKinnon has taken up sculpting, Kucherov has written an opera, Pettersson is reworking the final act of his first play, and Marchand is close to finishing a children's book.
“I've only three more pages to read!” he wrote on Facebook, holding up a copy of The Berenstain Bears At The Beach.
All five players said having time on their hands led them to re-examine their lives and to think about the future in a way they've never done before.
“Stats are fine but somewhat insubstantial. Statues are significant,” said MacKinnon, whose current project is a six-foot puck made of granite that's also a pie chart showing the average TOI for each member of his team just before the coronavirus ended the season.
“An Avalanche fan commissioned it,” he said. “It's a statement on how our lives can be cut short by the unexpected. I was humbled by the realization.”
Crosby said the painstaking detail -- “more pleasure than pain, really” -- that pointillism requires led him to look at all aspects of his life “at a granular level. What I found was there are many gaps in my life that need to be filled, if I want to be the person I think can be. I mean, I've collected 801 assists in my career, but did I help, really help anyone? Yeah, a lot of wingers get bigger contracts because of me but I don't think I was put on earth to put more money in people's wallets. I want to do more with my life. It's time to move on.”
Crosby has become his own general manager and his trading his existence for a new way of life, that of an artist who has something to say.
He's currently working on a painting of spectators at a hockey game set in Tampa Bay.
“Each face is a symbol -- Love, Compassion, Wisdom, Spirituality, you get the idea. Not traits you'd find at a typical game but its message is aspirational. The bolt on the souvenir jerseys worn by the fans represents the suddenness of their achieving a higher level of consciousness. I call it The Enlightening.”
Kucherov announced a week ago he had completed his opera, “a critical interpretation of Russia under the rule of Vladimir Putin.”
He was last seen arriving in Moscow to negotiate its world premiere with the Russian State Ballet and Opera House,
Pettersson said his play on climate change, Fjord, offers a dire warning about mankind's future if “our rapacity isn't reined in.”
Half of the proceeds from performances will be donated to the World Transformation Fund (WTF), he said.
Marchand started out treating self-isolation as “extended stay in the penalty box without the plexi-glass – although I would sit in the shower every so often to recapture the feeling.”
He even scattered water bottles around his apartment, spat on the carpet, and licked the TV screen once in a while so he wouldn't “go batty.”
Eventually he decided to do some reading and now he's glad he started.
“It's a whole new world,” he said.
The Boston Bruin has decided to “act normal when life returns to normal,” even if it means giving up hockey.
“Hockey's been good to me – I won't ever have to work again – but now it's time for me to be good to others. A good citizen and a good person.”
“I've learned my lesson: You don't have to act tough just because you're ugly. The Berenstain Bears taught me that.”
NHL steps up to promote social distancing
(9:05 a.m., April 15, 2020)
The National Hockey League is doing its part to help prevent the spread of COVID-19.
It's marketing hockey sticks as devices to ensure people maintain a safe social distance when lining up outside supermarkets and liquor stores.
“Health authorities say we should stand the length of a hockey stick apart but a lot of people, especially those who have never played the game, can't accurately visualize what that distance is,” said George Parros, head of the league's Department of People Safety (formerly known as Player Safety).
“Having a hockey stick in one's hand eliminates any dispute – with force, if necessary -- over whether a protocol is being breached,” he said.
The NHL is rebranding the main tool of its trade as a “measuring stick” and buyers can choose one bearing the logo of their favourite team or “coolest symbol, if not a hockey fan,” Parros said.
The sticks can be used in a variety of ways.
“They're great for retrieving items at the back of shelves that have been almost stripped bare,” Parros said. “The ones with really curved blades are especially popular.”
“They're also good at prodding people who, shall we say, are slow off the mark when the line is advancing,” he added.
Parros advises users to periodically monitor whether a safe distance is being kept and that the person immediately behind has not stepped over the invisible line.
“We call this cross-checking,” the former bad boy of hockey said with a chuckle.
Specially scented tape to wrap around blades is available to ensure proper separation is maintained at all times. It comes in three odours: dressing room, jockstrap and hockey bag.
“You get a whiff of that and you'll immediately step back,” Parros said. “Too much of a sniff and you'll stagger. Which might create problems down the line – but not for long if everyone has a stick.”
A deluxe version includes a blade that whirls, powered by batteries embedded in the shaft.
“It's for those days the weather turns hot and you're roasting in the sun standing in line,” Parros said.
“Commissioner Gary Bettman has his detractors but this is one fan he likes,” he quipped.
(Parros advised stick owners to tie a plastic bag over the odorized blade before turning it on to avoid committing “a personal foul.”)
(9:05 a.m., April 15, 2020)
The National Hockey League is doing its part to help prevent the spread of COVID-19.
It's marketing hockey sticks as devices to ensure people maintain a safe social distance when lining up outside supermarkets and liquor stores.
“Health authorities say we should stand the length of a hockey stick apart but a lot of people, especially those who have never played the game, can't accurately visualize what that distance is,” said George Parros, head of the league's Department of People Safety (formerly known as Player Safety).
“Having a hockey stick in one's hand eliminates any dispute – with force, if necessary -- over whether a protocol is being breached,” he said.
The NHL is rebranding the main tool of its trade as a “measuring stick” and buyers can choose one bearing the logo of their favourite team or “coolest symbol, if not a hockey fan,” Parros said.
The sticks can be used in a variety of ways.
“They're great for retrieving items at the back of shelves that have been almost stripped bare,” Parros said. “The ones with really curved blades are especially popular.”
“They're also good at prodding people who, shall we say, are slow off the mark when the line is advancing,” he added.
Parros advises users to periodically monitor whether a safe distance is being kept and that the person immediately behind has not stepped over the invisible line.
“We call this cross-checking,” the former bad boy of hockey said with a chuckle.
Specially scented tape to wrap around blades is available to ensure proper separation is maintained at all times. It comes in three odours: dressing room, jockstrap and hockey bag.
“You get a whiff of that and you'll immediately step back,” Parros said. “Too much of a sniff and you'll stagger. Which might create problems down the line – but not for long if everyone has a stick.”
A deluxe version includes a blade that whirls, powered by batteries embedded in the shaft.
“It's for those days the weather turns hot and you're roasting in the sun standing in line,” Parros said.
“Commissioner Gary Bettman has his detractors but this is one fan he likes,” he quipped.
(Parros advised stick owners to tie a plastic bag over the odorized blade before turning it on to avoid committing “a personal foul.”)
And the winner of this year's Stanley Cup is ...
(9:10 a.m., March 22, 2020)
The National Hockey League has awarded the Boston Bruins the Stanley Cup for 2019-20.
“It seemed the right thing to do, given health experts are saying the COVID-19 pandemic is likely to continue for months,” NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said in a conference call. “It would be a shame to see a season go to waste without a winner being declared at the end. It's been a trying time, these last few weeks since play was halted, and I'm sure fans around the league will welcome the closure.”
Bettman pointed out the Bruins, with a record of 44-14-12, had the most wins and fewest losses in regulation time of any team, “so the playoffs would have been a mere formality in any event.”
“I know there are Captains Obvious who say anything can happen in the playoffs. Well, folks, anything can just as easily happen in the regular season and here you have an example. To the many symptoms of coronavirus – headache, fever, sore throat – we can now add another: It ties your hands. We were left with no other choice.”
“I know Jer” -- Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs - “isn't happy with the way things have turned out. He's going to end up paying $1.5 million to part-time employees for work they won't do, but it's a sacrifice he's willing to make to help the league and its people through a difficult time.”
Jacobs, speaking from the commissioner's home where the conference call originated but standing six feet from his host, said it was “unfortunate” the season had to end this way, with the Bruins winning their sixth Stanley Cup, “second in nine years.”
“I would have preferred the team had won it on the ice, which I'm pretty sure we would have, but we have to play the cards that fate deals us, and try to make the best of a bad situation,” he said.
“When Gare suggested his remedy, as he called it, to the complications created by the coronavirus, I was loathe to agree, but he assured me there would be no asterisk when our victory enters the record books, so I reluctantly accepted his offer. Which, I might add, he said had to be approved by the board of governors first. So I want to thank my fellow owners for their show of support earlier today, and I'm looking forward to next season – whenever it is.”
Boston's three closest rivals – St. Louis (six points back), Tampa Bay and Colorado (eight points) – issued a profanity-laden joint statement expressing concurrence, in general, with the league's decision “for the good of the sport.”
The other 27 teams offered no comment when contacted by email, with many choosing to do so in capital letters followed by an exclamation mark.
In a news release formally announcing the league's decision Bettman said: “We had to act now rather than let the uncertainty of when play would resume prey on fans' minds. It was a pregnant pause – and now we've delivered!”
(9:10 a.m., March 22, 2020)
The National Hockey League has awarded the Boston Bruins the Stanley Cup for 2019-20.
“It seemed the right thing to do, given health experts are saying the COVID-19 pandemic is likely to continue for months,” NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said in a conference call. “It would be a shame to see a season go to waste without a winner being declared at the end. It's been a trying time, these last few weeks since play was halted, and I'm sure fans around the league will welcome the closure.”
Bettman pointed out the Bruins, with a record of 44-14-12, had the most wins and fewest losses in regulation time of any team, “so the playoffs would have been a mere formality in any event.”
“I know there are Captains Obvious who say anything can happen in the playoffs. Well, folks, anything can just as easily happen in the regular season and here you have an example. To the many symptoms of coronavirus – headache, fever, sore throat – we can now add another: It ties your hands. We were left with no other choice.”
“I know Jer” -- Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs - “isn't happy with the way things have turned out. He's going to end up paying $1.5 million to part-time employees for work they won't do, but it's a sacrifice he's willing to make to help the league and its people through a difficult time.”
Jacobs, speaking from the commissioner's home where the conference call originated but standing six feet from his host, said it was “unfortunate” the season had to end this way, with the Bruins winning their sixth Stanley Cup, “second in nine years.”
“I would have preferred the team had won it on the ice, which I'm pretty sure we would have, but we have to play the cards that fate deals us, and try to make the best of a bad situation,” he said.
“When Gare suggested his remedy, as he called it, to the complications created by the coronavirus, I was loathe to agree, but he assured me there would be no asterisk when our victory enters the record books, so I reluctantly accepted his offer. Which, I might add, he said had to be approved by the board of governors first. So I want to thank my fellow owners for their show of support earlier today, and I'm looking forward to next season – whenever it is.”
Boston's three closest rivals – St. Louis (six points back), Tampa Bay and Colorado (eight points) – issued a profanity-laden joint statement expressing concurrence, in general, with the league's decision “for the good of the sport.”
The other 27 teams offered no comment when contacted by email, with many choosing to do so in capital letters followed by an exclamation mark.
In a news release formally announcing the league's decision Bettman said: “We had to act now rather than let the uncertainty of when play would resume prey on fans' minds. It was a pregnant pause – and now we've delivered!”
NHL to combat pandemic in its own way
(4 a.m., March 12, 2020)
New York – The National Hockey League isn't prepared to go as far as the National Basketball Association and suspend its season but the league will do its part to combat the spread of the coronavirus by telling players to spit into their elbows.
“They're also being told to leave their gloves on when fighting,” said an NHL spokesman.
Players will be prohibited from sharing water bottles as well.
“They'll be given drinking helmets instead, the kind with a bottle on each side and an extended plastic straw,” he said.
There will no celebrating of goals “by players gathering together on ice for a group hug,” the spokesman added. “A salute from a safe distance will suffice.”
Montreal Canadien forwards will be pleased to learn the NHL is discouraging body checks or body contact of any kind.
“We hope the players will view each game as if it were an All-Star match,” the spokesman said. “A side benefit would be if they were to elevate their game accordingly.”
Officials have been instructed to spray the puck with Lysol before each face-off and arena staff will wipe down the glass during commercial breaks.
Players who engage in scrums or grapple with one another after play is stopped will be “misted” by linesmen until they separate themselves.
“The NHL is serious about limiting the possibility of infection,” the spokesman said. “It's even told Brad Marchand he can't lick players.”
Teammates of the Boston Bruin say he's considering filing a grievance through the players' union, claiming the prohibition “violates his rights to be an idiot under the NHL/NHLPA Collective Bargaining Agreement.”
The NHL spokesman declined to comment but allowed himself a chuckle.
(4 a.m., March 12, 2020)
New York – The National Hockey League isn't prepared to go as far as the National Basketball Association and suspend its season but the league will do its part to combat the spread of the coronavirus by telling players to spit into their elbows.
“They're also being told to leave their gloves on when fighting,” said an NHL spokesman.
Players will be prohibited from sharing water bottles as well.
“They'll be given drinking helmets instead, the kind with a bottle on each side and an extended plastic straw,” he said.
There will no celebrating of goals “by players gathering together on ice for a group hug,” the spokesman added. “A salute from a safe distance will suffice.”
Montreal Canadien forwards will be pleased to learn the NHL is discouraging body checks or body contact of any kind.
“We hope the players will view each game as if it were an All-Star match,” the spokesman said. “A side benefit would be if they were to elevate their game accordingly.”
Officials have been instructed to spray the puck with Lysol before each face-off and arena staff will wipe down the glass during commercial breaks.
Players who engage in scrums or grapple with one another after play is stopped will be “misted” by linesmen until they separate themselves.
“The NHL is serious about limiting the possibility of infection,” the spokesman said. “It's even told Brad Marchand he can't lick players.”
Teammates of the Boston Bruin say he's considering filing a grievance through the players' union, claiming the prohibition “violates his rights to be an idiot under the NHL/NHLPA Collective Bargaining Agreement.”
The NHL spokesman declined to comment but allowed himself a chuckle.
Molson has Bergevin's back – and he's not holding a knife!
(Feb. 25, 2020)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens owner Geoff Molson has given general manager Marc Bergevin a vote of confidence.
“He's my man until the end of the season – playoffs included,” he added with a chuckle and a wink.
Molson summoned reporters to his office to address calls for Bergevin's dismissal by legions of fans, sportswriters and Canadiens.
“When I hired Marc, I made it clear he was on a 10-year leash to produce a champion,” said the notoriously mercurial team president.
“Unfortunately it looks like we're about to make another pit stop and miss out on the post-season once again, which is hugely disappointing.”
“I wonder if Marc thought I said I wanted the team to play fire hydrant hockey,” Molson quipped, adding with a laugh: “The eight years Bergie has been general manager have really flown by, the way forwards do around our defence.”
“No matter where I go, I'm always asked what has he done for the team? I had the hardest time coming up with a good answer, until yesterday when it hit me: He's building the team through adversity. Forget about the draft, forget about trades, forget about player development – and I've tried to do all three – and what are you left with? That old saw, disappointment breeds achievement.”
“Look how many great teams had to fail before reaching the top: the Canadiens versus the Wings in the 50s, the Canadiens vs the Leafs in the 60s, the Islanders in the 80s, then the Oilers. They had to overcome heartbreaking failures before ascending the pinnacle.”
“And that's what Bergie's doing. I don't think our hearts have ever been as badly broken as they have since he took over. Especially the fans'. Players get paid well and move on, and I get to make millions but it's the fans who are really taking it hard. All they've got to deal with their pain are fan forums. Is that any way to treat people who are down and out?”
At that point Molson began to tear up and he dabbed his eyes with a hundred dollar bill.
“So I went to Bergie last night and we had a good long talk. That's when he told me what he had in mind all along, the whole adversity bit. I was skeptical at first and wondered why he hadn't told me at the beginning but the more he talked and the more I drank it all began to make sense so I told him, okay, now's the time to make his move: Once our season is over, April 4, end Plan B – the B stands for Bergevin, by the way – and move immediately into Plan C. The C's for Cup, got it? It's a year earlier than he planned but my first thought was with the fans. Would we have any if we waited another year? So he agreed, once I started waving around a six-year extension.”
Molson didn't rule out the possibility that the Canadiens could still make the playoffs this season, even though it would throw a monkey wrench into the team's plans for the future.
“It's something we'll have to deal with at the time but I'm not too worried,” he said. “If we do make the playoffs I see it as another opportunity for disappointment. Bergie will be pleased.”
(Feb. 25, 2020)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens owner Geoff Molson has given general manager Marc Bergevin a vote of confidence.
“He's my man until the end of the season – playoffs included,” he added with a chuckle and a wink.
Molson summoned reporters to his office to address calls for Bergevin's dismissal by legions of fans, sportswriters and Canadiens.
“When I hired Marc, I made it clear he was on a 10-year leash to produce a champion,” said the notoriously mercurial team president.
“Unfortunately it looks like we're about to make another pit stop and miss out on the post-season once again, which is hugely disappointing.”
“I wonder if Marc thought I said I wanted the team to play fire hydrant hockey,” Molson quipped, adding with a laugh: “The eight years Bergie has been general manager have really flown by, the way forwards do around our defence.”
“No matter where I go, I'm always asked what has he done for the team? I had the hardest time coming up with a good answer, until yesterday when it hit me: He's building the team through adversity. Forget about the draft, forget about trades, forget about player development – and I've tried to do all three – and what are you left with? That old saw, disappointment breeds achievement.”
“Look how many great teams had to fail before reaching the top: the Canadiens versus the Wings in the 50s, the Canadiens vs the Leafs in the 60s, the Islanders in the 80s, then the Oilers. They had to overcome heartbreaking failures before ascending the pinnacle.”
“And that's what Bergie's doing. I don't think our hearts have ever been as badly broken as they have since he took over. Especially the fans'. Players get paid well and move on, and I get to make millions but it's the fans who are really taking it hard. All they've got to deal with their pain are fan forums. Is that any way to treat people who are down and out?”
At that point Molson began to tear up and he dabbed his eyes with a hundred dollar bill.
“So I went to Bergie last night and we had a good long talk. That's when he told me what he had in mind all along, the whole adversity bit. I was skeptical at first and wondered why he hadn't told me at the beginning but the more he talked and the more I drank it all began to make sense so I told him, okay, now's the time to make his move: Once our season is over, April 4, end Plan B – the B stands for Bergevin, by the way – and move immediately into Plan C. The C's for Cup, got it? It's a year earlier than he planned but my first thought was with the fans. Would we have any if we waited another year? So he agreed, once I started waving around a six-year extension.”
Molson didn't rule out the possibility that the Canadiens could still make the playoffs this season, even though it would throw a monkey wrench into the team's plans for the future.
“It's something we'll have to deal with at the time but I'm not too worried,” he said. “If we do make the playoffs I see it as another opportunity for disappointment. Bergie will be pleased.”
Julien's out, and guess who's replacing him
(Jan. 18, 2020)
Montreal – No one saw this coming: Montreal Canadiens president Geoff Molson has fired coach Claude Julien and demoted general manager Marc Bergevin to take his place.
“I want to thank Claude for his years of service but it's become apparent he's not the one to guide this team to the playoffs,” Molson told reporters today at a special news conference.
“The only one who can do that is the guy who assembled the team and keeps telling me it's good enough to make the post-season. Well, Marc, here's your chance to prove it with the players you yourself chose.”
Bergevin, who stood behind Molson, at least physically, gave a slight nod that some said was deferential and others thought obsequious. The tear they attributed to a slight cold.
Although the Canadiens have lost only once in the last four games Molson said “it's hard to ignore two eight-game losing streaks and missing the playoffs three of the last four years.”
“We're out of the playoffs right now but I'm willing to let Marc prove this team has what it takes to get back in there. I – [at this point Molson waggled his fingers] – own the team but Marc owns the roster. He needs to prove its worth. The way I have with my fellow investors. ”
Molson said Julien took news of his firing well, “although he was annoyed I woke him up with a text message at 5 this morning. We exchanged texts over the next hour and he finally came around to my way of thinking. It would have been shorter but he kept wanting to talk about (Max) Domi.”
“Speaking of Domi, I've told Marc to look on his re-assignment as nothing more than an executive benching. He still has a role to play but now it's closer to the play, from behind the bench. I'm hopeful he can apply his years of experience in the NHL to making the team perform better. As a player he exceeded the expectations of everyone who was familiar with his talent and now he has the opportunity to get his players to do the same and believe in themselves. Make-believe, actually. It's what we ask of our fans, so why shouldn't we demand the same of our players?”
Molson was blunt about what he's expecting from Bergevin: “Making the playoffs and winning the first round. We used to do that at one time, if memory serves.”
When pressed to comment, Bergevin said he was looking forward to helping the team in a different capacity as well as answering questions from reporters before and after every game.
“As general manager, I acquired the assets I thought would get us to the playoffs where, as you know, anything can happen. I now know anything can happen any time. But I'm up to the challenge. I've come up with some exciting lines no one has tried before, and I have a few tips for Carey I think he'll find instructive.”
Asked if he'd guarantee the Canadiens would make the playoffs, Bergevin said “it's too early to say. But if the boys play the system I have in mind, I like our chances.”
Bergevin didn't provide details but did say it includes “re-numbering the lines to throw off opponents.”
Molson said he has “a few ideas” to get the power play back on track as well.
He'll serve as interim GM until the pool of available talent deepens and he can find a permanent replacement, “should the team not win the Stanley Cup this year.”
Both men bemoaned Montreal's poor home record – 9-12-4 – but said it wasn't entirely the team's fault.
“Hab fans need to pick it up,” Molson said.
“Like they do when we play in other Canadian cities, and Florida, too,” Bergevin added, with a touch of envy although some detected a hint of bitterness.
Fans, uncharacteristically, offered no comment online, which suggests they're withholding judgment on the stunning development until they've had a chance to see Bergevin's scheme in action tonight, when the Canadiens host the Vegas Golden Knights.
"I think we'll have a definitive answer after the first shift," one fan wrote.
(Jan. 18, 2020)
Montreal – No one saw this coming: Montreal Canadiens president Geoff Molson has fired coach Claude Julien and demoted general manager Marc Bergevin to take his place.
“I want to thank Claude for his years of service but it's become apparent he's not the one to guide this team to the playoffs,” Molson told reporters today at a special news conference.
“The only one who can do that is the guy who assembled the team and keeps telling me it's good enough to make the post-season. Well, Marc, here's your chance to prove it with the players you yourself chose.”
Bergevin, who stood behind Molson, at least physically, gave a slight nod that some said was deferential and others thought obsequious. The tear they attributed to a slight cold.
Although the Canadiens have lost only once in the last four games Molson said “it's hard to ignore two eight-game losing streaks and missing the playoffs three of the last four years.”
“We're out of the playoffs right now but I'm willing to let Marc prove this team has what it takes to get back in there. I – [at this point Molson waggled his fingers] – own the team but Marc owns the roster. He needs to prove its worth. The way I have with my fellow investors. ”
Molson said Julien took news of his firing well, “although he was annoyed I woke him up with a text message at 5 this morning. We exchanged texts over the next hour and he finally came around to my way of thinking. It would have been shorter but he kept wanting to talk about (Max) Domi.”
“Speaking of Domi, I've told Marc to look on his re-assignment as nothing more than an executive benching. He still has a role to play but now it's closer to the play, from behind the bench. I'm hopeful he can apply his years of experience in the NHL to making the team perform better. As a player he exceeded the expectations of everyone who was familiar with his talent and now he has the opportunity to get his players to do the same and believe in themselves. Make-believe, actually. It's what we ask of our fans, so why shouldn't we demand the same of our players?”
Molson was blunt about what he's expecting from Bergevin: “Making the playoffs and winning the first round. We used to do that at one time, if memory serves.”
When pressed to comment, Bergevin said he was looking forward to helping the team in a different capacity as well as answering questions from reporters before and after every game.
“As general manager, I acquired the assets I thought would get us to the playoffs where, as you know, anything can happen. I now know anything can happen any time. But I'm up to the challenge. I've come up with some exciting lines no one has tried before, and I have a few tips for Carey I think he'll find instructive.”
Asked if he'd guarantee the Canadiens would make the playoffs, Bergevin said “it's too early to say. But if the boys play the system I have in mind, I like our chances.”
Bergevin didn't provide details but did say it includes “re-numbering the lines to throw off opponents.”
Molson said he has “a few ideas” to get the power play back on track as well.
He'll serve as interim GM until the pool of available talent deepens and he can find a permanent replacement, “should the team not win the Stanley Cup this year.”
Both men bemoaned Montreal's poor home record – 9-12-4 – but said it wasn't entirely the team's fault.
“Hab fans need to pick it up,” Molson said.
“Like they do when we play in other Canadian cities, and Florida, too,” Bergevin added, with a touch of envy although some detected a hint of bitterness.
Fans, uncharacteristically, offered no comment online, which suggests they're withholding judgment on the stunning development until they've had a chance to see Bergevin's scheme in action tonight, when the Canadiens host the Vegas Golden Knights.
"I think we'll have a definitive answer after the first shift," one fan wrote.
No more wheeling and dealing for Bergevin
(July 4, 2019)
Montreal – Feeling the sting of criticism for having “pulled a publicity stunt” in getting Sebastian Aho to sign an offer sheet knowing the Carolina Hurricanes would match it, Marc Bergevin said he's done making trades and signing free agents, restricted or otherwise.
“We're gonna stick with the players we pick through thin and thick,” said the Montreal Canadiens general manager.
Team owner Geoff Molson “really likes the idea, especially the new slogan: 'It's nothing but draft from here on in!'” Bergevin said.
The Montreal Canadiens general manager said all he ever gets is “grief” from fans and sports writers whenever he goes outside the team to try to upgrade the roster.
Bergevin announced the change in direction less than an hour after issuing a news release saying he had signed free agent defenceman Ben Chiarot – and then getting ripped by fans for making a tepid move when more dramatic steps are needed to make the team playoff worthy once again.
“Sure we've traded for some excellent players, like Max Domi, and signed players on waivers who turned out to be a great fit, like Paul Byron, but they're more the exception than the rule,” Bergevin said. “And the rule is I deal for puds. At least that's what my critics say.”
“Well, I'm sick of the badmouthing. Let's see what the coaches, scouts and player development people do when everything is left with them to build a Cup contender. Bonne chance with that.”
“My job will be to answer questions in French.”
Bergevin acknowledged that under the new system “players could become complacent, knowing they will never be traded.”
“On the other hand they could become eager to do their best, knowing they will never be traded, and that their only way out is to become a UFA. They'll want to make a favourable impression the entire length of their contract, because other general managers will know if they've been dogging it.”
Bergevin said not having to keep in touch with other GMs to find out who they're willing to trade “is a bonus, and a relief. I hated that part of the job. Most of them are mean to me. And they take days to return my calls.”
Bergevin knows there will be times when his patience is tested and he'll be tempted to break his no-trade policy, such as when a player “gets too big for his britches and won't listen to his coaches.”
“But there's a remedy for that: Not dressing him for matches or limiting his time on the ice to six minutes a game. He won't like that, especially if he still has three, four years left on his contract. He'd be wise to make the most of it by playing his best.”
Will sticking with homegrown make the team better?
“I'm not really sure, to be honest,” Bergevin said. “But have we moved any closer to winning a championship sticking with the conventional? Not by a long shot. Which we're not even that any more.”
“I'm pretty certain the players will see the team's no-trade policy as a vote of confidence, knowing we'll stand by them no matter what. They won't have to worry about uprooting families or finding new places to live. That kind of commitment from the team they'll want to give in return on the ice.”
Bergevin didn't rule out acquiring “a piece of the puzzle' from elsewhere if it “virtually guaranteed a spot in the Eastern Conference final.”
“But only if the players took a vote and approved it,” he said
(July 4, 2019)
Montreal – Feeling the sting of criticism for having “pulled a publicity stunt” in getting Sebastian Aho to sign an offer sheet knowing the Carolina Hurricanes would match it, Marc Bergevin said he's done making trades and signing free agents, restricted or otherwise.
“We're gonna stick with the players we pick through thin and thick,” said the Montreal Canadiens general manager.
Team owner Geoff Molson “really likes the idea, especially the new slogan: 'It's nothing but draft from here on in!'” Bergevin said.
The Montreal Canadiens general manager said all he ever gets is “grief” from fans and sports writers whenever he goes outside the team to try to upgrade the roster.
Bergevin announced the change in direction less than an hour after issuing a news release saying he had signed free agent defenceman Ben Chiarot – and then getting ripped by fans for making a tepid move when more dramatic steps are needed to make the team playoff worthy once again.
“Sure we've traded for some excellent players, like Max Domi, and signed players on waivers who turned out to be a great fit, like Paul Byron, but they're more the exception than the rule,” Bergevin said. “And the rule is I deal for puds. At least that's what my critics say.”
“Well, I'm sick of the badmouthing. Let's see what the coaches, scouts and player development people do when everything is left with them to build a Cup contender. Bonne chance with that.”
“My job will be to answer questions in French.”
Bergevin acknowledged that under the new system “players could become complacent, knowing they will never be traded.”
“On the other hand they could become eager to do their best, knowing they will never be traded, and that their only way out is to become a UFA. They'll want to make a favourable impression the entire length of their contract, because other general managers will know if they've been dogging it.”
Bergevin said not having to keep in touch with other GMs to find out who they're willing to trade “is a bonus, and a relief. I hated that part of the job. Most of them are mean to me. And they take days to return my calls.”
Bergevin knows there will be times when his patience is tested and he'll be tempted to break his no-trade policy, such as when a player “gets too big for his britches and won't listen to his coaches.”
“But there's a remedy for that: Not dressing him for matches or limiting his time on the ice to six minutes a game. He won't like that, especially if he still has three, four years left on his contract. He'd be wise to make the most of it by playing his best.”
Will sticking with homegrown make the team better?
“I'm not really sure, to be honest,” Bergevin said. “But have we moved any closer to winning a championship sticking with the conventional? Not by a long shot. Which we're not even that any more.”
“I'm pretty certain the players will see the team's no-trade policy as a vote of confidence, knowing we'll stand by them no matter what. They won't have to worry about uprooting families or finding new places to live. That kind of commitment from the team they'll want to give in return on the ice.”
Bergevin didn't rule out acquiring “a piece of the puzzle' from elsewhere if it “virtually guaranteed a spot in the Eastern Conference final.”
“But only if the players took a vote and approved it,” he said
Hurricanes owner taken for a ride
(July 2, 2019)
Raleigh – The National Football League says Tom Dundon got sold a bill of goods when he agreed to invest $70 million in the Alliance of American Football.
“What kind of idiot would sink that much money into a venture that had the same chance of succeeding as the USFL when it allowed Trump in as an owner,” said an insider who was laughing too hard to give his name.
Dundon -- “or as we like to call him, Dumdum” -- became the AAF's majority shareholder just weeks before it collapsed.
“Boy, did he get played,” chortled the insider, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Dundon is asking for a refund of his $70 million, saying he was misled.
“Sorta ironic, isn't it? Dundon's Carolina Hurricanes claim Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin got hoodwinked by a player agent into tendering an offer sheet for their rising young star, Sebastian Aho. The only thing Bergevin ended up with was egg on his face. Dundon got his pockets picked and now he's throwing up.”
According to Fox Business, the AAF, which filed for bankruptcy protection in April, “drew widespread criticism for its handling of the wind-down, which left many players and vendors with unpaid bills.”
“It's a good thing Bergevin stepped in when he did. Now there's a good chance Aho will get $20 million within 12 months of re-signing with the Hurricanes,” said the insider, merely smiling at that point.
“I say a good chance but one never knows, does one with Dundon.”
(July 2, 2019)
Raleigh – The National Football League says Tom Dundon got sold a bill of goods when he agreed to invest $70 million in the Alliance of American Football.
“What kind of idiot would sink that much money into a venture that had the same chance of succeeding as the USFL when it allowed Trump in as an owner,” said an insider who was laughing too hard to give his name.
Dundon -- “or as we like to call him, Dumdum” -- became the AAF's majority shareholder just weeks before it collapsed.
“Boy, did he get played,” chortled the insider, tears rolling down his cheeks.
Dundon is asking for a refund of his $70 million, saying he was misled.
“Sorta ironic, isn't it? Dundon's Carolina Hurricanes claim Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin got hoodwinked by a player agent into tendering an offer sheet for their rising young star, Sebastian Aho. The only thing Bergevin ended up with was egg on his face. Dundon got his pockets picked and now he's throwing up.”
According to Fox Business, the AAF, which filed for bankruptcy protection in April, “drew widespread criticism for its handling of the wind-down, which left many players and vendors with unpaid bills.”
“It's a good thing Bergevin stepped in when he did. Now there's a good chance Aho will get $20 million within 12 months of re-signing with the Hurricanes,” said the insider, merely smiling at that point.
“I say a good chance but one never knows, does one with Dundon.”
Bergevin set to engineer radical re-do of defence
(June 30, 2019)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin is about to overhaul his defence corps and remake it in the image of Victor Mete.
“Marc's gunning for defencemen on other teams who also failed to score last season but like Mete still managed to finish with a plus,” said a Canadiens insider who requested anonymity because he hadn't been authorized to reveal the team's plans.
Mete was the best of the inoffensive defensive types with a +13 in 71 games, but there are a couple of others who came close to matching his mark, like Chicago's Carl Dahlstrom, who recorded a +9 in 28 games, and Arizona's Niklas Hjalmarson who played all 82 games, didn't score once, and still finished with a +8.
“That's why the Canadiens re-signed Christian Folin. He was +6 splitting the season between Montreal and Philadelphia, the team that traded him,” said the snitch.
Also on Montreal's target acquisition list are the Capitals' Nick Jensen (20 games, +3), the Islanders' Thomas Hickey (40 games, +5), Carolina's Hadyn Fleury (20 games, +4) and the Blue Jackets' Dean Kukan (25 games, +6).
“Bergie's convinced there's no better tool for evaluating talent than the plus-minus stat. All the other stuff – PPG, PIM, TOI, MIC, KEY -- is just fluff.”
To clear room for the new players, Bergevin intends to hold a fire sale of Shea Weber, Jeff Petry, Jordie Benn, Brett Kulak and Mike Reilly, and he'll go as far as retaining the maximum amount of salary allowed to move them off the roster.
He will even pay their moving costs.
“Marc's gonna tell the new D to keep doing what they're doing, and not score. That's what forwards are paid to do,” said the squealer. “And he'll quote a Norris Trophy winner to make his point. ”
Playing with a defence that doesn't produce goals will put a lot of pressure on the players upfront to handle all the scoring but Bergevin isn't too worried.
“In fact, he wouldn't mind if they didn't score either – as long as they finish with a plus,” the know-a-lot said.
“But best worst case scenario, the team finishes last and drafts first at some point in the latest 10-year plan and winds up with a game-changer. At which point Bergie will change his game plan.”
The source said he's not aware of any team in NHL history whose defence went an entire season without scoring.
“If Marc's thinking about his legacy – and I'm pretty sure he is – that could be it. It will change the way people think about hockey. I know I will, I'll start watching soccer.”
(June 30, 2019)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin is about to overhaul his defence corps and remake it in the image of Victor Mete.
“Marc's gunning for defencemen on other teams who also failed to score last season but like Mete still managed to finish with a plus,” said a Canadiens insider who requested anonymity because he hadn't been authorized to reveal the team's plans.
Mete was the best of the inoffensive defensive types with a +13 in 71 games, but there are a couple of others who came close to matching his mark, like Chicago's Carl Dahlstrom, who recorded a +9 in 28 games, and Arizona's Niklas Hjalmarson who played all 82 games, didn't score once, and still finished with a +8.
“That's why the Canadiens re-signed Christian Folin. He was +6 splitting the season between Montreal and Philadelphia, the team that traded him,” said the snitch.
Also on Montreal's target acquisition list are the Capitals' Nick Jensen (20 games, +3), the Islanders' Thomas Hickey (40 games, +5), Carolina's Hadyn Fleury (20 games, +4) and the Blue Jackets' Dean Kukan (25 games, +6).
“Bergie's convinced there's no better tool for evaluating talent than the plus-minus stat. All the other stuff – PPG, PIM, TOI, MIC, KEY -- is just fluff.”
To clear room for the new players, Bergevin intends to hold a fire sale of Shea Weber, Jeff Petry, Jordie Benn, Brett Kulak and Mike Reilly, and he'll go as far as retaining the maximum amount of salary allowed to move them off the roster.
He will even pay their moving costs.
“Marc's gonna tell the new D to keep doing what they're doing, and not score. That's what forwards are paid to do,” said the squealer. “And he'll quote a Norris Trophy winner to make his point. ”
Playing with a defence that doesn't produce goals will put a lot of pressure on the players upfront to handle all the scoring but Bergevin isn't too worried.
“In fact, he wouldn't mind if they didn't score either – as long as they finish with a plus,” the know-a-lot said.
“But best worst case scenario, the team finishes last and drafts first at some point in the latest 10-year plan and winds up with a game-changer. At which point Bergie will change his game plan.”
The source said he's not aware of any team in NHL history whose defence went an entire season without scoring.
“If Marc's thinking about his legacy – and I'm pretty sure he is – that could be it. It will change the way people think about hockey. I know I will, I'll start watching soccer.”
It's true what they say about playoffs
(April 29, 2019)
Montreal – Proving anything can happen in the playoffs, the one thing that no one thought would happen has happened: the National Hockey League's 2018-19 post-season has come to end, just as the second round got started.
A group of former players who suffered repetitive head trauma during their playing days has obtained an injunction forcing the NHL to shut down the playoffs “for the protection of its athletes.”
Paul Kariya, a two-time Lady Byng winner whose career was cut short by a series of concussions, said he and his fellow NHL alumni, 17 in all, decided to act after seeing Joe Pavelski of the San Jose Sharks get cross-checked and fall backwards, with his head hitting the ice.
“Seeing him injured that way made us see red – literally,” Kariya said. “It really got our blood up.”
The play happened midway through the third period of Game 7 in the first round against the Vegas Golden Knights. The Knights were leading 3-0 at the time but the Sharks rallied with four goals during a five-minute power play and went on to win 5-4 in overtime.
Kariya said he began contacting other former players whose health has declined as a result of injuries they suffered to see if they were interested in preventing harm being done to those playing hockey in today's NHL.
“We're not refs, we can't turn a blind eye to what's going on out there,” he said. “Watching the games brought back a lot of bad memories. I'm grateful to have any these days, with my brain having taken a beating over the years, but that's one Memory Lane I don't want to ever go down again.”
Kariya said it's ironic that the injunction the players obtained is the temporary restraining order kind.
“In hockey they call it a holding penalty, but it's hardly ever called in the playoffs, along with a bunch of other infractions,” he said. “They say refs pocket their whistles come playoff time so players can play. Yeah, play muggers!”
A temporary restraining order is obtained whenever there's an immediate threat of injury.
“As soon as the first puck is dropped, there's potential for mayhem,” Kariya said.
The injunction is “intended to force the NHL to deal with the violence it allows to occur in the name of entertainment,” he said.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said the league “will work strenuously to have the injunction lifted. There was no basis for it to be granted in the first place. Hockey's a rough and tumble sport, players get nicked and bruised all the time, maybe even have a headache now and then. But that's why we have a concussion protocol -- to make sure it's never a big headache, for the league.”
The National Hockey League Players' Association offered no opinion, saying it wished to remain neutral on an issue “that is of little interest to its members.”
"To be candid, they don't mind having the playoffs come to a halt, since they don't get paid for games in the post-season anyways,” a NHLPA spokesperson said. “And many will tell you there's a lot of their union brothers in uniform they'd just as soon not have come at them along the boards with their back to the play.”
The playoffs were in jeopardy before the injunction, with one series almost certain to be cancelled.
An outbreak of measles on the New York Islanders and Carolina Hurricane has left 27 players infected, along with the head coaches of both teams.
It was a cruel blow for the Hurricane. The team had missed the playoffs nine straight years before this season.
"They feel just sick about it," an insider said.
(April 29, 2019)
Montreal – Proving anything can happen in the playoffs, the one thing that no one thought would happen has happened: the National Hockey League's 2018-19 post-season has come to end, just as the second round got started.
A group of former players who suffered repetitive head trauma during their playing days has obtained an injunction forcing the NHL to shut down the playoffs “for the protection of its athletes.”
Paul Kariya, a two-time Lady Byng winner whose career was cut short by a series of concussions, said he and his fellow NHL alumni, 17 in all, decided to act after seeing Joe Pavelski of the San Jose Sharks get cross-checked and fall backwards, with his head hitting the ice.
“Seeing him injured that way made us see red – literally,” Kariya said. “It really got our blood up.”
The play happened midway through the third period of Game 7 in the first round against the Vegas Golden Knights. The Knights were leading 3-0 at the time but the Sharks rallied with four goals during a five-minute power play and went on to win 5-4 in overtime.
Kariya said he began contacting other former players whose health has declined as a result of injuries they suffered to see if they were interested in preventing harm being done to those playing hockey in today's NHL.
“We're not refs, we can't turn a blind eye to what's going on out there,” he said. “Watching the games brought back a lot of bad memories. I'm grateful to have any these days, with my brain having taken a beating over the years, but that's one Memory Lane I don't want to ever go down again.”
Kariya said it's ironic that the injunction the players obtained is the temporary restraining order kind.
“In hockey they call it a holding penalty, but it's hardly ever called in the playoffs, along with a bunch of other infractions,” he said. “They say refs pocket their whistles come playoff time so players can play. Yeah, play muggers!”
A temporary restraining order is obtained whenever there's an immediate threat of injury.
“As soon as the first puck is dropped, there's potential for mayhem,” Kariya said.
The injunction is “intended to force the NHL to deal with the violence it allows to occur in the name of entertainment,” he said.
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said the league “will work strenuously to have the injunction lifted. There was no basis for it to be granted in the first place. Hockey's a rough and tumble sport, players get nicked and bruised all the time, maybe even have a headache now and then. But that's why we have a concussion protocol -- to make sure it's never a big headache, for the league.”
The National Hockey League Players' Association offered no opinion, saying it wished to remain neutral on an issue “that is of little interest to its members.”
"To be candid, they don't mind having the playoffs come to a halt, since they don't get paid for games in the post-season anyways,” a NHLPA spokesperson said. “And many will tell you there's a lot of their union brothers in uniform they'd just as soon not have come at them along the boards with their back to the play.”
The playoffs were in jeopardy before the injunction, with one series almost certain to be cancelled.
An outbreak of measles on the New York Islanders and Carolina Hurricane has left 27 players infected, along with the head coaches of both teams.
It was a cruel blow for the Hurricane. The team had missed the playoffs nine straight years before this season.
"They feel just sick about it," an insider said.
Last call for Montreal GM
(April 6, 2019)
Montreal – Sources say it's all but certain that Marc Bergevin will have “mismanaged his last game” with the Montreal Canadiens after they host the Toronto Maple Leafs tonight.
Team owner Geoff Molson is reportedly ready to cut loose the general manager he hired in 2012 because the club won't make the playoffs for the third time in four years.
“It won't be a rash decision even though it's clear Molson is suffering from a case of the seven-year itch,” one source said. “His relationship with Bergevin after all this time no longer brings him happiness, or worse, playoff revenue.”
Another source said it was admirable the owner stood by the GM when his popularity plummeted but “incrediblly stupid he stood by while his team plunged in the standings.”
Even the good vibes the team generated with its bounce-back performance this season wasn't enough to save Bergevin's job.
“Sure, there were a lot of feel-good moments the last six months, but is anyone on the team feeling good about not making the post-season?” Certainly not the fans who haven't seen the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup since 1993.
All the GMs since then have proved to be Genuine Mediocrities in the eyes of the team's supporters.
Bergevin, they say, has drafted poorly, hired bad coaches, made more atrocious trades than good, overpaid certain players, and neglected the farm system.
To his credit, he does speak French, they acknowledge.
Finding a replacement for Bergevin won't be easy, given the unique challenges that come with being a general manager in Montreal – its culture, language, taxes, press, rabid fan base, and ugly strippers (a fiction players perpetuate to allay the fears of spouses and girlfriends suspicious of so many practices being held late at night).
Sources say Molson is prepared to ditch the requirement that the next general manager be bilingual but he will bow to convention by hiring people who are lookalikes of the person ultimately hired for the job who also speak French.
This will satisfy the need of the francophone news media to conduct interviews in the reporters' native tongue. It will also provide multiple talking heads for televised reports.
One source said Molson is actually considering hiring a woman as GM not only for the positive response such a move would receive but also the money it will save, as she will be paid less to do more – the work of four people, including coach of the power play.
No matter which sex the new GM is, the person's base salary will be $100,000; additional earnings will be tied to the number of points the team accrues in the season.
“A 100-point season at $750 a point, could earn the new GM a nice little bonus,” said a team insider.
Molson plans to monitor the team's progress by reading sports pages and weekly reports prepared by the GM.
“This way he won't be surprised and disappointed, as he usually is, to learn at the end of the season that his team didn't make the playoffs,” said a source.
Whenever that kind of news arrives, “it's as if someone has pissed in his beer, and then made that little trade secret public,” Molson told one source.
(April 6, 2019)
Montreal – Sources say it's all but certain that Marc Bergevin will have “mismanaged his last game” with the Montreal Canadiens after they host the Toronto Maple Leafs tonight.
Team owner Geoff Molson is reportedly ready to cut loose the general manager he hired in 2012 because the club won't make the playoffs for the third time in four years.
“It won't be a rash decision even though it's clear Molson is suffering from a case of the seven-year itch,” one source said. “His relationship with Bergevin after all this time no longer brings him happiness, or worse, playoff revenue.”
Another source said it was admirable the owner stood by the GM when his popularity plummeted but “incrediblly stupid he stood by while his team plunged in the standings.”
Even the good vibes the team generated with its bounce-back performance this season wasn't enough to save Bergevin's job.
“Sure, there were a lot of feel-good moments the last six months, but is anyone on the team feeling good about not making the post-season?” Certainly not the fans who haven't seen the Canadiens win the Stanley Cup since 1993.
All the GMs since then have proved to be Genuine Mediocrities in the eyes of the team's supporters.
Bergevin, they say, has drafted poorly, hired bad coaches, made more atrocious trades than good, overpaid certain players, and neglected the farm system.
To his credit, he does speak French, they acknowledge.
Finding a replacement for Bergevin won't be easy, given the unique challenges that come with being a general manager in Montreal – its culture, language, taxes, press, rabid fan base, and ugly strippers (a fiction players perpetuate to allay the fears of spouses and girlfriends suspicious of so many practices being held late at night).
Sources say Molson is prepared to ditch the requirement that the next general manager be bilingual but he will bow to convention by hiring people who are lookalikes of the person ultimately hired for the job who also speak French.
This will satisfy the need of the francophone news media to conduct interviews in the reporters' native tongue. It will also provide multiple talking heads for televised reports.
One source said Molson is actually considering hiring a woman as GM not only for the positive response such a move would receive but also the money it will save, as she will be paid less to do more – the work of four people, including coach of the power play.
No matter which sex the new GM is, the person's base salary will be $100,000; additional earnings will be tied to the number of points the team accrues in the season.
“A 100-point season at $750 a point, could earn the new GM a nice little bonus,” said a team insider.
Molson plans to monitor the team's progress by reading sports pages and weekly reports prepared by the GM.
“This way he won't be surprised and disappointed, as he usually is, to learn at the end of the season that his team didn't make the playoffs,” said a source.
Whenever that kind of news arrives, “it's as if someone has pissed in his beer, and then made that little trade secret public,” Molson told one source.
Bergevin denies his wallet is open for business
(March 14, 2019)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin is denying allegations he accepted bribes from agents and parents of players to trade for their clients or pick their sons in the draft.
A former Canadien writing in the Athletic claims his agent paid Bergevin $12,750 to acquire him.
“I asked my agent if he could swing it because my Dad is a big Habs fan and I thought it would be a neat birthday gift if I could suit up in a Canadiens sweater for at least a couple of games,” said the player, who used a nom de plume, Fourth Line Pud, to shield his identity.
“It worked out way better than I ever imagined,” he said. “I even got to play in the All-Star game.”
Pud quoted several other players in his article whose dealings with Bergevin were very much like his. All confirmed in subsequent interviews they had arranged through their agents to become a member of the Canadiens by guaranteeing Bergevin would profit from their presence.
“Marc liked to joke he spelled it p-r-e-s-e-n-t-s,” one said.
Some players didn't object to having their names used in explaining how it came to pass they fulfilled childhood dreams of playing in Montreal.
Steve Ott, Dwight King and Andreas Martinsen said they were surprised when all were acquired at the same time, on tradeline day, for the same reason.
They figured it out over a few beers and it didn't make them happy.
Martinsen was “hopping mad” he had paid Bergevin $2,000 more to be acquired than Ott had paid.
And King said Bergevin reneged on his promise to play him regularly on the power play after pocketing $45,000 in “trade facilitation costs.”
“I wasn't prepared to make the same deal that (David) Desharnais had made to be on the number one unit when the team had the man advantage,” King said. “Handing over 15 per cent of your salary every month was just too rich for my blood.”
Pud said Bergevin went to great lengths to keep his scam hidden from team owner Geoff Molson, going so far as to use Photoshop to create pics that made it appear he could actually score and was worth acquiring.
It didn't take long for word to get around the National Hockey League that Bergevin liked having his palms greased with “the green stuff.”
Players in serious decline or in the twilight of their career instructed their agents to toss some money Bergevin's way to influence his thinking, and he proved easy to persuade.
His greed got the better of him, however, when he acquired King, Ott and Martinson within hours of each other.
That sent up a red flag even Molson couldn't ignore.
“Trading for one of those stiffs was a head shaker, but three?” a rival GM said. “It made you think something was definitely going on, and it wasn't to make the team better.”
Bergevin managed to talk himself out of his predicament by convincing Molson a team can never have too much depth.
“Molson bought it when Bergevin said he was talking about depth of character, not talent,” Pud said.
Sometimes it's been fathers of players who have whispered into Bergevin's ear while slipping dozens of C-notes in his coat pocket, without ever telling their sons what they had done.
“Michael McCarron still thinks to this day he was drafted in the first round because he could skate, shoot and hit,” Pud said.
Daniel Audette didn't find out until after he had played a full season at Laval that his being drafted had been secretly negotiated by his parents.
HIs teammates say he often wishes his Dad had paid Bergevin a bigger bribe, one that would have kept him in Montreal.
Bergevin showed interest in being interviewed to give his side of the story, saying the allegations were “baseless,” but he declined when told he wouldn't receive an honorarium or a good deal on a six-month subscription.
(March 14, 2019)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin is denying allegations he accepted bribes from agents and parents of players to trade for their clients or pick their sons in the draft.
A former Canadien writing in the Athletic claims his agent paid Bergevin $12,750 to acquire him.
“I asked my agent if he could swing it because my Dad is a big Habs fan and I thought it would be a neat birthday gift if I could suit up in a Canadiens sweater for at least a couple of games,” said the player, who used a nom de plume, Fourth Line Pud, to shield his identity.
“It worked out way better than I ever imagined,” he said. “I even got to play in the All-Star game.”
Pud quoted several other players in his article whose dealings with Bergevin were very much like his. All confirmed in subsequent interviews they had arranged through their agents to become a member of the Canadiens by guaranteeing Bergevin would profit from their presence.
“Marc liked to joke he spelled it p-r-e-s-e-n-t-s,” one said.
Some players didn't object to having their names used in explaining how it came to pass they fulfilled childhood dreams of playing in Montreal.
Steve Ott, Dwight King and Andreas Martinsen said they were surprised when all were acquired at the same time, on tradeline day, for the same reason.
They figured it out over a few beers and it didn't make them happy.
Martinsen was “hopping mad” he had paid Bergevin $2,000 more to be acquired than Ott had paid.
And King said Bergevin reneged on his promise to play him regularly on the power play after pocketing $45,000 in “trade facilitation costs.”
“I wasn't prepared to make the same deal that (David) Desharnais had made to be on the number one unit when the team had the man advantage,” King said. “Handing over 15 per cent of your salary every month was just too rich for my blood.”
Pud said Bergevin went to great lengths to keep his scam hidden from team owner Geoff Molson, going so far as to use Photoshop to create pics that made it appear he could actually score and was worth acquiring.
It didn't take long for word to get around the National Hockey League that Bergevin liked having his palms greased with “the green stuff.”
Players in serious decline or in the twilight of their career instructed their agents to toss some money Bergevin's way to influence his thinking, and he proved easy to persuade.
His greed got the better of him, however, when he acquired King, Ott and Martinson within hours of each other.
That sent up a red flag even Molson couldn't ignore.
“Trading for one of those stiffs was a head shaker, but three?” a rival GM said. “It made you think something was definitely going on, and it wasn't to make the team better.”
Bergevin managed to talk himself out of his predicament by convincing Molson a team can never have too much depth.
“Molson bought it when Bergevin said he was talking about depth of character, not talent,” Pud said.
Sometimes it's been fathers of players who have whispered into Bergevin's ear while slipping dozens of C-notes in his coat pocket, without ever telling their sons what they had done.
“Michael McCarron still thinks to this day he was drafted in the first round because he could skate, shoot and hit,” Pud said.
Daniel Audette didn't find out until after he had played a full season at Laval that his being drafted had been secretly negotiated by his parents.
HIs teammates say he often wishes his Dad had paid Bergevin a bigger bribe, one that would have kept him in Montreal.
Bergevin showed interest in being interviewed to give his side of the story, saying the allegations were “baseless,” but he declined when told he wouldn't receive an honorarium or a good deal on a six-month subscription.
Patriots in turmoil, controversy reigns
(Feb. 22, 2019)
Boston – The New England Patriots have another scandal to deal with.
A day after team owner Robert Kraft was charged with soliciting a prostitute in Florida, center David Andrews has accused quarterback Tom Brady of “manhandling” him.
“Every time he lines up behind me and puts his hands underneath, they linger a bit longer than necessary, you know what I mean,” Andrews said. “I don't mind the occasional squeeze, most centers will tell you that, but by the end of the game my balls are inflated.”
Andrews said Brady is known around the league for having the longest counts of any quarterback, but it's not intended to draw the defensive line offside.
“It's off-putting, that's what it is,” Andrews charged, biting his lip and fighting back tears.
With six Super Bowl rings to his credit Brady has complete control as the Patriots' field general.
“What he says goes,” Andrews said. “I'm the only player in the NFL who doesn't wear a jockstrap, on Brady's order.”
To prove his claims aren't groundless, Andrews played various clips for reporters showing Brady lined up behind the centre in a way that seemed to support his allegations.
In one, Brady, rather than looking across the line to see how the defence is positioned, is resting his head sideways on Andrews' back with his eyes closed.
In another you can hear him bark out: “Hut ... hut ... hut .. hut .. huthut ..huthuthut ... huthuthuthuffhuffhuffhuffhuff. Oh baby!”
Andrews said there's no Oh baby in the Patriot playbook.
He said all quarterbacks call audibles but Brady is the only one who calls “inaudibles” using a “breathy voice” that only his centre can hear.
“I can't even repeat them, they're so ... so ... shocking,” he said, blushing.
Brady hates passing downs when he has to take the snap two yards back, Andrews said. “He keeps saying it's a contact sport, and there's no better contact than that between a quarterback and his center.”
“On the rare times he runs, he always makes sure he stops just short of the first down, so the next play will be a quarterback sneak. Oh, he's a sneak alright. And a snake.”
Andrews said if the team and the league don't do something to rein in Brady next season he will retire at age 27.
“A guy can only take so much,” he said. “I had to put my foot down and say no to going crotchless. But I'm worried about what he'll ask me to wear next. Yoga pants?”
“A little song, a little dance, A little seltzer down your pants.”
(Feb. 22, 2019)
Boston – The New England Patriots have another scandal to deal with.
A day after team owner Robert Kraft was charged with soliciting a prostitute in Florida, center David Andrews has accused quarterback Tom Brady of “manhandling” him.
“Every time he lines up behind me and puts his hands underneath, they linger a bit longer than necessary, you know what I mean,” Andrews said. “I don't mind the occasional squeeze, most centers will tell you that, but by the end of the game my balls are inflated.”
Andrews said Brady is known around the league for having the longest counts of any quarterback, but it's not intended to draw the defensive line offside.
“It's off-putting, that's what it is,” Andrews charged, biting his lip and fighting back tears.
With six Super Bowl rings to his credit Brady has complete control as the Patriots' field general.
“What he says goes,” Andrews said. “I'm the only player in the NFL who doesn't wear a jockstrap, on Brady's order.”
To prove his claims aren't groundless, Andrews played various clips for reporters showing Brady lined up behind the centre in a way that seemed to support his allegations.
In one, Brady, rather than looking across the line to see how the defence is positioned, is resting his head sideways on Andrews' back with his eyes closed.
In another you can hear him bark out: “Hut ... hut ... hut .. hut .. huthut ..huthuthut ... huthuthuthuffhuffhuffhuffhuff. Oh baby!”
Andrews said there's no Oh baby in the Patriot playbook.
He said all quarterbacks call audibles but Brady is the only one who calls “inaudibles” using a “breathy voice” that only his centre can hear.
“I can't even repeat them, they're so ... so ... shocking,” he said, blushing.
Brady hates passing downs when he has to take the snap two yards back, Andrews said. “He keeps saying it's a contact sport, and there's no better contact than that between a quarterback and his center.”
“On the rare times he runs, he always makes sure he stops just short of the first down, so the next play will be a quarterback sneak. Oh, he's a sneak alright. And a snake.”
Andrews said if the team and the league don't do something to rein in Brady next season he will retire at age 27.
“A guy can only take so much,” he said. “I had to put my foot down and say no to going crotchless. But I'm worried about what he'll ask me to wear next. Yoga pants?”
“A little song, a little dance, A little seltzer down your pants.”
Pearn's firing sets off domino effect
(Oct. 29., 2011)
BOSTON – The last-place Boston Bruins have fired assistant coach Doug Houda to send a message to the team, according to unreliable sources.
Houda was handed his walking papers during the morning skate.
Bruins general manager Peter Chiarelli was asked when confronted: “How come Houda?”
“The team needed a shake-up,” he said. “I haven’t the faintest idea what Mr. Houda’s duties were, but recent history suggests inexplicable firings can have a salutary effect on a team that’s performing poorly.”
The Bruins could use a spark; they’ve won just three games in nine outings and have dropped their last two.
The club appears to have found its inspiration in arch-rival Montreal Canadiens, who turned their season around after canning assistant coach Perry Pearn. They’ve won two in a row to move out of the basement, making room for the Bruins.
Montreal and Boston play the second of a home-and-home series Saturday at the Bell Centre, minus an assistant coach on each side. The consensus among hockey bloggers is that the game’s outcome will either confirm the efficacy of ditching an AC or demonstrate its futility.
Team officials with Columbus, Calgary, Winnipeg and Vancouver say they are considering firing an assistant coach to jumpstart their franchises.
Back in Boston, insiders say coach Claude Julien’s job is safe but Benoit Pouliot could take the fall if the team continues to lose.
“I replaced a Ryder with a slyder,” an angry Chiarelli is heard saying on a wire tap that’s gone viral on the Internet.
In other news, NESN play-by-play announcer Jack Edwards was released from the hospital yesterday after spending the night being treated for apoplexy following the Bruins’ 2-1 loss to the Canadiens. A hospital spokesman speaking anonymously said Edwards required medical attention for a fit of rage rather than a stroke which is much more serious and “is linked to cerebral function.”
(Oct. 29., 2011)
BOSTON – The last-place Boston Bruins have fired assistant coach Doug Houda to send a message to the team, according to unreliable sources.
Houda was handed his walking papers during the morning skate.
Bruins general manager Peter Chiarelli was asked when confronted: “How come Houda?”
“The team needed a shake-up,” he said. “I haven’t the faintest idea what Mr. Houda’s duties were, but recent history suggests inexplicable firings can have a salutary effect on a team that’s performing poorly.”
The Bruins could use a spark; they’ve won just three games in nine outings and have dropped their last two.
The club appears to have found its inspiration in arch-rival Montreal Canadiens, who turned their season around after canning assistant coach Perry Pearn. They’ve won two in a row to move out of the basement, making room for the Bruins.
Montreal and Boston play the second of a home-and-home series Saturday at the Bell Centre, minus an assistant coach on each side. The consensus among hockey bloggers is that the game’s outcome will either confirm the efficacy of ditching an AC or demonstrate its futility.
Team officials with Columbus, Calgary, Winnipeg and Vancouver say they are considering firing an assistant coach to jumpstart their franchises.
Back in Boston, insiders say coach Claude Julien’s job is safe but Benoit Pouliot could take the fall if the team continues to lose.
“I replaced a Ryder with a slyder,” an angry Chiarelli is heard saying on a wire tap that’s gone viral on the Internet.
In other news, NESN play-by-play announcer Jack Edwards was released from the hospital yesterday after spending the night being treated for apoplexy following the Bruins’ 2-1 loss to the Canadiens. A hospital spokesman speaking anonymously said Edwards required medical attention for a fit of rage rather than a stroke which is much more serious and “is linked to cerebral function.”
Habs told to make some noise!
(March 31, 2018)
Montreal – Marc Bergevin wants his players to raise their voices next season, to elevate their game.
The Montreal Canadiens general manager isn't ordering the team to challenge authority or berate referees after they've made a bad call.
No, what he wants is that they grunt, loudly, whenever they're taking a shot or delivering a body check.
According to a recent study, involving the martial arts and reported on in the New York Times, researchers “found that grunting while kicking had definitely improved the martial artists’ power. They had generated about 10 percent more force with each kick while yelling.”
They also determined grunters gain a competitive advantage by distracting opponents with the noise.
“Bergie is convinced the same approach could do wonders for his players,” said a team insider (TI), who agreed to speak anonymously after Bergevin declined a request for an interview.
“He doesn't want to give away his plans to opponents,” said TI, who has no such reservations. “That would take away the element of surprise but I can't imagine any team thinking he will actually go ahead and do it.”
But Bergevin is serious, he said, and the team has already arranged for a vocal coach to teach the players this summer how to grunt in the most effective manner.
“They're going to learn how to give their shots oomph but yelling 'Oomph!' when they shoot,” TI said. “Even Montreal's top offensive talents, like Galchenyuk and Drouin, will be expected to do the grunt work.”
Maria Sharapova is one of the scheduled guest instructors.
A study done in 2014 determined that tennis players increased the velocity of their shots by an average of 3.8 per cent just by grunting.
“When it comes to hitting the players will be told to yell 'Pow!' or 'Whomp!', like the sound effects in comic books, just as they slam into an opponent,” TI said.
“That could prove unnerving. And if you do it often enough, word will get around the league what to expect, and Canadien players will eventually only need to yell 'Pow' or 'Whomp' to force a giveaway, without actually having to do any hitting. Which, that last part, as you know, they already do pretty well.”
Sharapova and other tennis players who grunt have been accused of cheating by their opponents by making strange noises to throw them off their game.
TI said “there's nothing in the NHL rule book that says they can't do it.”
He added Canadiens won't be deterred by accusations of unsportsmanlike conduct nonetheless should their new approach begin to pay dividends.
“They will take it as compliment if teams around the league start calling their players guttersnipes. It will be just their peevish way of saying guttural snipers.”
The Canadiens will also be taught how to throw their voice, to sow confusion among their foes – “What, it wasn't you who said pass the puck into the middle?” -- and “how to make realistic upchucking noises in front of the other team's net.”
TI said Montreal is prepared to go “full boor” by having the players learn to mimic “the ultimate in sonic weapons – a Roseanne Barr cackle.”
“But that's only as a last resort – if the team should make the Stanley Cup final. We'll pull out all the stops then.”
(March 31, 2018)
Montreal – Marc Bergevin wants his players to raise their voices next season, to elevate their game.
The Montreal Canadiens general manager isn't ordering the team to challenge authority or berate referees after they've made a bad call.
No, what he wants is that they grunt, loudly, whenever they're taking a shot or delivering a body check.
According to a recent study, involving the martial arts and reported on in the New York Times, researchers “found that grunting while kicking had definitely improved the martial artists’ power. They had generated about 10 percent more force with each kick while yelling.”
They also determined grunters gain a competitive advantage by distracting opponents with the noise.
“Bergie is convinced the same approach could do wonders for his players,” said a team insider (TI), who agreed to speak anonymously after Bergevin declined a request for an interview.
“He doesn't want to give away his plans to opponents,” said TI, who has no such reservations. “That would take away the element of surprise but I can't imagine any team thinking he will actually go ahead and do it.”
But Bergevin is serious, he said, and the team has already arranged for a vocal coach to teach the players this summer how to grunt in the most effective manner.
“They're going to learn how to give their shots oomph but yelling 'Oomph!' when they shoot,” TI said. “Even Montreal's top offensive talents, like Galchenyuk and Drouin, will be expected to do the grunt work.”
Maria Sharapova is one of the scheduled guest instructors.
A study done in 2014 determined that tennis players increased the velocity of their shots by an average of 3.8 per cent just by grunting.
“When it comes to hitting the players will be told to yell 'Pow!' or 'Whomp!', like the sound effects in comic books, just as they slam into an opponent,” TI said.
“That could prove unnerving. And if you do it often enough, word will get around the league what to expect, and Canadien players will eventually only need to yell 'Pow' or 'Whomp' to force a giveaway, without actually having to do any hitting. Which, that last part, as you know, they already do pretty well.”
Sharapova and other tennis players who grunt have been accused of cheating by their opponents by making strange noises to throw them off their game.
TI said “there's nothing in the NHL rule book that says they can't do it.”
He added Canadiens won't be deterred by accusations of unsportsmanlike conduct nonetheless should their new approach begin to pay dividends.
“They will take it as compliment if teams around the league start calling their players guttersnipes. It will be just their peevish way of saying guttural snipers.”
The Canadiens will also be taught how to throw their voice, to sow confusion among their foes – “What, it wasn't you who said pass the puck into the middle?” -- and “how to make realistic upchucking noises in front of the other team's net.”
TI said Montreal is prepared to go “full boor” by having the players learn to mimic “the ultimate in sonic weapons – a Roseanne Barr cackle.”
“But that's only as a last resort – if the team should make the Stanley Cup final. We'll pull out all the stops then.”
Yes, CHronic fantigue is real ... and spreading
(Jan. 22, 2018)
Montreal – More than half of the Montreal Canadiens say they're suffering from “CHronic fantigue,” not just star goaltender Carey Price.
Several players who asked that their names not be used but were okay with initials said Price is suffering the most from the condition because he's a high-strung individual.
“Don't let the cool-as-a-cucumber facade fool you,” MP said. “It's a facade.”
Another said “it's not unusual” for Price to go “stark raving bonkers during intermissions whenever he goes online to see what the hockey fans are posting about his play that night.”
“Coach (Claude) Julien tried to get Price to quit using his smartphone but backed off when Carey threw his blocker at him,” KA said.
But Price's teammates are also showing the effects of CHronic fantigue, which is spreading fast and growing in severity.
Symptoms include blurred vision, which leads to giveways on errant passes, a reduced pain threshold, which causes players to shy away from hitting, and numbness in the hands, which has taken away any scoring touch they might have once had.
Fuzzy thinking is another symptom often cited as evidence of CHronic fantigue.
“It's got to the point where players are so sick they would prefer to play in an empty Bell Centre,” BG said. “Would you like it if a bunch of people stood around and watched you vomit at work?”
“Figuratively,” G quickly added.
Some players have tried to address the issue by posting on fan sites under assumed names and offering a vigorous defence of themselves and their teammates.
But the abuse they received in response was so great that it contributed to their deteriorating health.
“God, they're like a virus out there,” JD said. “Bacteria. Germ. Whatever you want to call it. They attack your immune system and destroy your confidence. I can hardly lift a finger on a faceoff now, I feel so weakened and disoriented.”
“This fantique has worn me down so much I hardly backcheck any more,” AG said. “I've got to conserve my strength for stickhandling in the other end.”
The only cure for CHronic fantigue is to ignore braying fans at minimum and to have them wasted in extreme circumstances, which can lead to complications of a legal kind, often career-ending.
Developing a thick skin is the prescribed course of action but it can take years to build up an immunity sufficient to withstand the slings and arrows of fans who can't get gun permits.
Most athletes consider fans hazards of the job, and as useful and beloved as a sand trap on a golf course.
(Jan. 22, 2018)
Montreal – More than half of the Montreal Canadiens say they're suffering from “CHronic fantigue,” not just star goaltender Carey Price.
Several players who asked that their names not be used but were okay with initials said Price is suffering the most from the condition because he's a high-strung individual.
“Don't let the cool-as-a-cucumber facade fool you,” MP said. “It's a facade.”
Another said “it's not unusual” for Price to go “stark raving bonkers during intermissions whenever he goes online to see what the hockey fans are posting about his play that night.”
“Coach (Claude) Julien tried to get Price to quit using his smartphone but backed off when Carey threw his blocker at him,” KA said.
But Price's teammates are also showing the effects of CHronic fantigue, which is spreading fast and growing in severity.
Symptoms include blurred vision, which leads to giveways on errant passes, a reduced pain threshold, which causes players to shy away from hitting, and numbness in the hands, which has taken away any scoring touch they might have once had.
Fuzzy thinking is another symptom often cited as evidence of CHronic fantigue.
“It's got to the point where players are so sick they would prefer to play in an empty Bell Centre,” BG said. “Would you like it if a bunch of people stood around and watched you vomit at work?”
“Figuratively,” G quickly added.
Some players have tried to address the issue by posting on fan sites under assumed names and offering a vigorous defence of themselves and their teammates.
But the abuse they received in response was so great that it contributed to their deteriorating health.
“God, they're like a virus out there,” JD said. “Bacteria. Germ. Whatever you want to call it. They attack your immune system and destroy your confidence. I can hardly lift a finger on a faceoff now, I feel so weakened and disoriented.”
“This fantique has worn me down so much I hardly backcheck any more,” AG said. “I've got to conserve my strength for stickhandling in the other end.”
The only cure for CHronic fantigue is to ignore braying fans at minimum and to have them wasted in extreme circumstances, which can lead to complications of a legal kind, often career-ending.
Developing a thick skin is the prescribed course of action but it can take years to build up an immunity sufficient to withstand the slings and arrows of fans who can't get gun permits.
Most athletes consider fans hazards of the job, and as useful and beloved as a sand trap on a golf course.
Between the pipes an issue
(Jan. 20, 2018)
Montreal – On the trip home after last night's 3-2 win over the Washington Capitals, several Montreal Canadiens players approached coach Claude Julien about giving goaltender Antti Niemi more starts.
“It certainly gave Julien a start when the players came to him with their request,” said an insider with a request of his own: anonymity.
“Carey Price is obviously the team's number one netminder but a lot of times this season he's played like No. 2 – if you catch my drift.”
Still, Price's record at 13-15-4 with a goals against average of 2.96 and a .908 save percentage, is far superior to Niemi's: one win in seven games, a GAA of 4.44, and a save percentage of .871.
So what was it about his performance in Washington that emboldened the players to ask the unthinkable, bench the team's lone superstar and second highest-paid athlete?
“The team won, which they hadn't done in three games, and only twice in the last nine, with Price in net,” the source said. “Price's act is beginning to wear thin with some of his teammates who say he's become withdrawn, distracted, uncommunicative. He doesn't even slap his stick on the ice any more when the other team's penalty is about to expire. And he takes offence whenever Julien pulls him in the last minute of the game and the Canadiens are down a goal.”
Julien declined to confirm he had been asked to sit Price more often.
“That's a question you have to ask the players, not the coach,” he told reporters for the second time this week.
Captain Max Pacioretty also declined to comment, telling reporters what's said behind closed doors about “overpriced goalies” stays there.
Price's eight-year, $84 million contract extensions kicks in later this year. His pay for this season is $6.5 million.
That's a sore spot for Pacioretty, who's paid $4.5 million to score goals, including empty net ones.
Price waved away reporters when approached this morning. They backed off out of respect for his privacy, and a fear of handguns.
Although the Canadiens' chances of making the playoffs are remote, the players haven't lost hope and many of them believe Niemi gives them the best chance of closing the gap that separates them from a wild card spot.
They've begun a whisper campaign – Antti Up! -- in support of the backup netminder taking on a greater role in the club's playoff run, which at this stage is a mix of hurdles, marathon and sprint, given the number of teams it needs to jump, the distance that has to be covered in the standings, and the short time in which to do it.
Niemi refused to be drawn into the controversy, saying his job is “to stop pucks, not sell newspapers, which apparently fewer and fewer people are buying these days .”
General manager Marc Bergevin could not be reached for “No comment.”
(Jan. 20, 2018)
Montreal – On the trip home after last night's 3-2 win over the Washington Capitals, several Montreal Canadiens players approached coach Claude Julien about giving goaltender Antti Niemi more starts.
“It certainly gave Julien a start when the players came to him with their request,” said an insider with a request of his own: anonymity.
“Carey Price is obviously the team's number one netminder but a lot of times this season he's played like No. 2 – if you catch my drift.”
Still, Price's record at 13-15-4 with a goals against average of 2.96 and a .908 save percentage, is far superior to Niemi's: one win in seven games, a GAA of 4.44, and a save percentage of .871.
So what was it about his performance in Washington that emboldened the players to ask the unthinkable, bench the team's lone superstar and second highest-paid athlete?
“The team won, which they hadn't done in three games, and only twice in the last nine, with Price in net,” the source said. “Price's act is beginning to wear thin with some of his teammates who say he's become withdrawn, distracted, uncommunicative. He doesn't even slap his stick on the ice any more when the other team's penalty is about to expire. And he takes offence whenever Julien pulls him in the last minute of the game and the Canadiens are down a goal.”
Julien declined to confirm he had been asked to sit Price more often.
“That's a question you have to ask the players, not the coach,” he told reporters for the second time this week.
Captain Max Pacioretty also declined to comment, telling reporters what's said behind closed doors about “overpriced goalies” stays there.
Price's eight-year, $84 million contract extensions kicks in later this year. His pay for this season is $6.5 million.
That's a sore spot for Pacioretty, who's paid $4.5 million to score goals, including empty net ones.
Price waved away reporters when approached this morning. They backed off out of respect for his privacy, and a fear of handguns.
Although the Canadiens' chances of making the playoffs are remote, the players haven't lost hope and many of them believe Niemi gives them the best chance of closing the gap that separates them from a wild card spot.
They've begun a whisper campaign – Antti Up! -- in support of the backup netminder taking on a greater role in the club's playoff run, which at this stage is a mix of hurdles, marathon and sprint, given the number of teams it needs to jump, the distance that has to be covered in the standings, and the short time in which to do it.
Niemi refused to be drawn into the controversy, saying his job is “to stop pucks, not sell newspapers, which apparently fewer and fewer people are buying these days .”
General manager Marc Bergevin could not be reached for “No comment.”
Canadiens won't be using cap space
améliorer l’équipe avec meilleurs jouers
(Dec. 13, 2017)
Montreal – Although they won't come out and say it, the Montreal Canadiens have written off the season and will not use the money they have available in cap space to acquire a player or two to improve the team.
Instead the team will invest $1 million in “customizing” an universal translator currently on the market called the Lingmo Translate One2One to enlarge the pool of prospective general managers and coaches that “it can dip into,” said someone in the know.
“Clearly, the current requirement that both positions must be filled by people who can speak French is a huge impediment to the team becoming a Stanley Cup contender,” said a highly placed team official who requested anonymity in exchange for a bottle of Scotch.
“Look at the Canadiens' record for the past two decades: squat. And why's that? Because of the language hurdle they've put in place, which only a limited number can clear, regardless of their overall fitness for the job.”
To get around that self-imposed obstacle, the team has signed a deal with the makers of Lingmo to develop a translator tailored for use in the National Hockey League, but in particular the Quebec market.
According to Forbes magazine, the company claims the earpiece with translation software “can accurately translate spoken conversations and written text across eight of the world's most widely-spoken languages within 3-5 seconds.”
“That's a game-changer,” said the source. “Think of the people the Canadiens could pursue without having to worry whether the person can speak French or not. Imagine who they would have gone out and hired if the Lingmo had been around the past 20 years. Guys like Darryl Sutter, Randy Carlyle, John Tortorella and Dan Byslma, people who have coached their teams to Stanley Cup victories. Is it their fault they're talented but can't speak French?”
To demonstrate how effective the device is, the source provided one for the interview and answered all questions in Chinese. The slight delay in having his responses translated into English surprisingly wasn't that annoying, and was comparable to interviewing players.
“It will work just as easily translating the words of anglophone coaches into French for the francophone media,” the source said. “The device is already capable of doing that now, given the limited vocabulary required to answer most reporters' questions, with stock observations such as 'I thought the team played hard, but puck luck worked against us,' 'The power play showed signs of life tonight,' 'If I knew why we keep giving up two goals in under a minute I'd fix it,' and 'Galchenyuk needs to work harder along the boards and quit costing us games.'”
The enhancements the Canadiens want to see made with their capital investment is to have the Lingmo provide translations “in a voice that sounds authentic rather than robotic or Jacques Martin-like,” the source said.
“We want nuance when spouting nonsense,” he chuckled.
Montreal won't be pushing for elimination of the three- to five-second delay in translation to make post-game coach interviews a bit less awkward.
“The team will ask that the makers of Lingmo incorporate a feature that will use the delay to edit out profanities, as it sees foul language could be a problem for the short term while the team continues to stumble,” the source said. “We can't expect the new English-speaking hires to work miracles right away.”
Even coaches and general managers who speak only English will be required to use the Lingmo when responding in their native tongue to questions posed by anglophone reporters, not only to take advantage of the expletive removal function, but also to add “a bit of an accent to make it appear they are indeed francophones,” the source said. “So expect to hear words like 'dat,' 'tird' and 'dep.'”
“But it will be done sparingly and in a respectful way, “ he added.
améliorer l’équipe avec meilleurs jouers
(Dec. 13, 2017)
Montreal – Although they won't come out and say it, the Montreal Canadiens have written off the season and will not use the money they have available in cap space to acquire a player or two to improve the team.
Instead the team will invest $1 million in “customizing” an universal translator currently on the market called the Lingmo Translate One2One to enlarge the pool of prospective general managers and coaches that “it can dip into,” said someone in the know.
“Clearly, the current requirement that both positions must be filled by people who can speak French is a huge impediment to the team becoming a Stanley Cup contender,” said a highly placed team official who requested anonymity in exchange for a bottle of Scotch.
“Look at the Canadiens' record for the past two decades: squat. And why's that? Because of the language hurdle they've put in place, which only a limited number can clear, regardless of their overall fitness for the job.”
To get around that self-imposed obstacle, the team has signed a deal with the makers of Lingmo to develop a translator tailored for use in the National Hockey League, but in particular the Quebec market.
According to Forbes magazine, the company claims the earpiece with translation software “can accurately translate spoken conversations and written text across eight of the world's most widely-spoken languages within 3-5 seconds.”
“That's a game-changer,” said the source. “Think of the people the Canadiens could pursue without having to worry whether the person can speak French or not. Imagine who they would have gone out and hired if the Lingmo had been around the past 20 years. Guys like Darryl Sutter, Randy Carlyle, John Tortorella and Dan Byslma, people who have coached their teams to Stanley Cup victories. Is it their fault they're talented but can't speak French?”
To demonstrate how effective the device is, the source provided one for the interview and answered all questions in Chinese. The slight delay in having his responses translated into English surprisingly wasn't that annoying, and was comparable to interviewing players.
“It will work just as easily translating the words of anglophone coaches into French for the francophone media,” the source said. “The device is already capable of doing that now, given the limited vocabulary required to answer most reporters' questions, with stock observations such as 'I thought the team played hard, but puck luck worked against us,' 'The power play showed signs of life tonight,' 'If I knew why we keep giving up two goals in under a minute I'd fix it,' and 'Galchenyuk needs to work harder along the boards and quit costing us games.'”
The enhancements the Canadiens want to see made with their capital investment is to have the Lingmo provide translations “in a voice that sounds authentic rather than robotic or Jacques Martin-like,” the source said.
“We want nuance when spouting nonsense,” he chuckled.
Montreal won't be pushing for elimination of the three- to five-second delay in translation to make post-game coach interviews a bit less awkward.
“The team will ask that the makers of Lingmo incorporate a feature that will use the delay to edit out profanities, as it sees foul language could be a problem for the short term while the team continues to stumble,” the source said. “We can't expect the new English-speaking hires to work miracles right away.”
Even coaches and general managers who speak only English will be required to use the Lingmo when responding in their native tongue to questions posed by anglophone reporters, not only to take advantage of the expletive removal function, but also to add “a bit of an accent to make it appear they are indeed francophones,” the source said. “So expect to hear words like 'dat,' 'tird' and 'dep.'”
“But it will be done sparingly and in a respectful way, “ he added.
Canadiens owner lowers boom, raises bar
(Nov. 14, 2017)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens owner Geoff Molson has sent general manager Marc Bergevin an ultimatum: “Win me a Cup in 15 years or your job's on the line.”
What's surprising about the get-tough message by the normally laidback owner is the reason behind it. It's not the 24 years the team has gone without winning a Stanley Cup, it's what could happen in the next 24 years.
More than 15,000 scientists from 184 countries say the world will be toast – literally in some parts – if humanity doesn't do more, a lot more, to address myriad environmental challenges that are of its own making.
In a communique issued this week, the scientists say global climate change, accelerated by human activity, has caused global average temperatures to rise by more than half a degree Celsius since 1992.
Annual carbon dioxide emissions, meanwhile, have also gone up, by 62 per cent.
Add to that the loss of forests, growing threats to fresh drinking water supplies, and precipitous declines in animal populations while the mass of humanity has grown by two billion, “and you can see why Molson has suddenly developed a sense of urgency,” said an insider who reports directly to the owner.
“If the world's days are numbered, he'd like to get number 25” -- Cups won by the Canadiens -- “out of the way before his number comes up,” the source said.
Molson's patience with his general manager showed signs of fraying right after the scientists' communique came out.
When Bergevin greeted him this morning with his usual “Good day,” Molson screamed back: “Is it? IS IT?”
He then provided a number of reasons why he begged, no, insisted, to differ, recitng a number of disasters, from Trump to the power play.
Bergevin tried to mollify his employer by handing over $2 million of the team's cap space but Molson refused to be placated.
“We've only got so much time left on this earth, and we need to make the most of it, instead of treading water not knowing where we're headed. Some of the players don't even bother to dog paddle, they just float,” Molson said, according to the source who wears a body camera all the time.
“Well, simply making the playoffs won't cut it anymore. Bergevin keeps saying anything can happen in the playoffs, even the unthinkable. I used to think that included winning the Cup but now I know he just meant winning a playoff series.”
Molson ordered Bergevin to make major changes to his 20-year in-house plan, not the five-year version he's been peddling to the public, to ensure it produces the desired results within the new time frame.
“I want a legacy I can be proud of,” he reportedly said.
Bergevin wasted no time in picking up Jacob Legace from the Mora IK in the Swedish Hockey League.
The 27-year-old forward is expected to make his debut with the Canadiens this weekend.
“He's a centre and he was born in Quebec, so it looks like we're set at that position now any way you look at it,” Bergevin said in a text. “Geoff will be happy.”
(Nov. 14, 2017)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens owner Geoff Molson has sent general manager Marc Bergevin an ultimatum: “Win me a Cup in 15 years or your job's on the line.”
What's surprising about the get-tough message by the normally laidback owner is the reason behind it. It's not the 24 years the team has gone without winning a Stanley Cup, it's what could happen in the next 24 years.
More than 15,000 scientists from 184 countries say the world will be toast – literally in some parts – if humanity doesn't do more, a lot more, to address myriad environmental challenges that are of its own making.
In a communique issued this week, the scientists say global climate change, accelerated by human activity, has caused global average temperatures to rise by more than half a degree Celsius since 1992.
Annual carbon dioxide emissions, meanwhile, have also gone up, by 62 per cent.
Add to that the loss of forests, growing threats to fresh drinking water supplies, and precipitous declines in animal populations while the mass of humanity has grown by two billion, “and you can see why Molson has suddenly developed a sense of urgency,” said an insider who reports directly to the owner.
“If the world's days are numbered, he'd like to get number 25” -- Cups won by the Canadiens -- “out of the way before his number comes up,” the source said.
Molson's patience with his general manager showed signs of fraying right after the scientists' communique came out.
When Bergevin greeted him this morning with his usual “Good day,” Molson screamed back: “Is it? IS IT?”
He then provided a number of reasons why he begged, no, insisted, to differ, recitng a number of disasters, from Trump to the power play.
Bergevin tried to mollify his employer by handing over $2 million of the team's cap space but Molson refused to be placated.
“We've only got so much time left on this earth, and we need to make the most of it, instead of treading water not knowing where we're headed. Some of the players don't even bother to dog paddle, they just float,” Molson said, according to the source who wears a body camera all the time.
“Well, simply making the playoffs won't cut it anymore. Bergevin keeps saying anything can happen in the playoffs, even the unthinkable. I used to think that included winning the Cup but now I know he just meant winning a playoff series.”
Molson ordered Bergevin to make major changes to his 20-year in-house plan, not the five-year version he's been peddling to the public, to ensure it produces the desired results within the new time frame.
“I want a legacy I can be proud of,” he reportedly said.
Bergevin wasted no time in picking up Jacob Legace from the Mora IK in the Swedish Hockey League.
The 27-year-old forward is expected to make his debut with the Canadiens this weekend.
“He's a centre and he was born in Quebec, so it looks like we're set at that position now any way you look at it,” Bergevin said in a text. “Geoff will be happy.”
Part II: Price has chilling news for Hab supporters
(Oct. 31, 2017)
Montreal – Carey Price has decided to take his own advice and chill.
Starting tomorrow he will undergo whole body cryogenic therapy on a daily basis.
“I'm hoping it will get me back to when I was carrying the team on my shoulders,” he told reporters.
There have been rumours that Price is suffering from a nagging injury that has hurt his performance. He's won just three games in 10 starts, has a GAA of 3.64, and a save percentage so bad, .883, that it has started tongues wagging.
Cryogenic therapy is typically used by professional athletes to speed up their recovery time from everything from pain to inflammation.
At one time it was a matter of immersing oneself in ice water but today it involves receiving bursts of nitrogen gas every 30 seconds while inside a chamber for anywhere from 90 seconds to three minutes.
It causes the blood to rush from the limbs to the core in order protect vital organs.
When an athlete leaves the chamber, the blood rushes back to the arms and legs, and the tingling is a sign that the oxygenated blood is helping injured cells heal, and heal quickly.
Sports superstars such as Usain Bolt, Christiano Ronaldo and Kobe Bryant have proclaimed its miraculous effects and NBA teams have used it to good effect.
Proponents say it does in three minutes what normally takes the human body 48 hours to make a near-full recovery.
Price, however, is going old school: a bath tub filled with ice and water.
“I want to be at one with the ice,” he said.
Cryogenic therapy is normally used to prevent DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) and alleviate aches and pains as quickly as possible but Price said he'll be doing it “to erase bad memories of poor performances” and “to salve wounded feelings” caused by fans booing him and being critical of his play in social media and on sports forums.
“It's like when a doctor freezes a part of your body to dull the pain of a procedure,” he said. “You never feel a thing. That's what I hope will happen with me. By the time I get out of the tub, I'll be so jacked at towelling myself dry and feeling warm again, that all my cares and woes will be gone. That's what I'm counting on. You see, one of the symptoms of hypothermia, which is what this is, is memory loss. Except in this case it will be self-induced.”
Asked if it wouldn't be easier to develop a thick skin and not worry what other people think, the team's long-time MVP replied: “You know what they say about goalies: They're tender. I'm no different.”
Price said he isn't worried about relapses and his feeling stung by criticism in future.
“Any time I start feeling persecuted, I'll eat a scoop of ice cream real quick and give myself a brain freeze – to stop the pain. It'll be like I'm back in the tub again.”
(Oct. 31, 2017)
Montreal – Carey Price has decided to take his own advice and chill.
Starting tomorrow he will undergo whole body cryogenic therapy on a daily basis.
“I'm hoping it will get me back to when I was carrying the team on my shoulders,” he told reporters.
There have been rumours that Price is suffering from a nagging injury that has hurt his performance. He's won just three games in 10 starts, has a GAA of 3.64, and a save percentage so bad, .883, that it has started tongues wagging.
Cryogenic therapy is typically used by professional athletes to speed up their recovery time from everything from pain to inflammation.
At one time it was a matter of immersing oneself in ice water but today it involves receiving bursts of nitrogen gas every 30 seconds while inside a chamber for anywhere from 90 seconds to three minutes.
It causes the blood to rush from the limbs to the core in order protect vital organs.
When an athlete leaves the chamber, the blood rushes back to the arms and legs, and the tingling is a sign that the oxygenated blood is helping injured cells heal, and heal quickly.
Sports superstars such as Usain Bolt, Christiano Ronaldo and Kobe Bryant have proclaimed its miraculous effects and NBA teams have used it to good effect.
Proponents say it does in three minutes what normally takes the human body 48 hours to make a near-full recovery.
Price, however, is going old school: a bath tub filled with ice and water.
“I want to be at one with the ice,” he said.
Cryogenic therapy is normally used to prevent DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) and alleviate aches and pains as quickly as possible but Price said he'll be doing it “to erase bad memories of poor performances” and “to salve wounded feelings” caused by fans booing him and being critical of his play in social media and on sports forums.
“It's like when a doctor freezes a part of your body to dull the pain of a procedure,” he said. “You never feel a thing. That's what I hope will happen with me. By the time I get out of the tub, I'll be so jacked at towelling myself dry and feeling warm again, that all my cares and woes will be gone. That's what I'm counting on. You see, one of the symptoms of hypothermia, which is what this is, is memory loss. Except in this case it will be self-induced.”
Asked if it wouldn't be easier to develop a thick skin and not worry what other people think, the team's long-time MVP replied: “You know what they say about goalies: They're tender. I'm no different.”
Price said he isn't worried about relapses and his feeling stung by criticism in future.
“Any time I start feeling persecuted, I'll eat a scoop of ice cream real quick and give myself a brain freeze – to stop the pain. It'll be like I'm back in the tub again.”
Price takes a leave of Habsence
(Oct. 24, 2017)
Montreal – Struggling Montreal Canadiens netminder Carey Price has checked into a treatment centre.
The team declined to reveal what issues led him to seek professional help but myriad fans were only too happy to speculate on what they might be on social media.
“It's his glove hand.”
“No, he's going down too early, he's got the Gump, and it's only going to get worsley.”
“You're both wrong. He definitely has inner ear problems that are causing him vertigo, the feeling that your surroundings are spinning. No wonder he's out of position so often.”
“Inner ear? Ha! It's his inner voice that's giving him grief, telling him he made a huge mistake signing on for eight more years with this ragtag bunch.”
“You're all wrong. The trade of Subban is finally starting to sink in. He misses the hijinks of his former teammate whose brashness always put a twinkle in his eye, a bounce in his step.”
“It's obvious. It's his shoulders. He's carried the team so long they're useless.”
“The team?
“No, his shoulders ... and, well, yeah, his team. I get depressed watching the Canadiens play. Imagine how Price must feel being on the ice with them, knowing he can't let in more than a goal a night if the team is to have a shot at winning. His spirit's broken. He can't do it anymore.”
How long Price will remain on the sidelines isn't known but it's not likely he'll return to the lineup any time soon.
What's the incentive to rushing back and being greeted by the likes of Benn, Petry, Morrow, Davidson and Schlemko?
One rumour gaining currency is that Price has sought the help of a prominent figure from his past.
“Did you know Michel Therrien still has about a hundred of his personal development kits in his closet? Sometimes it doesn't hurt to get a refresher.”
(Oct. 24, 2017)
Montreal – Struggling Montreal Canadiens netminder Carey Price has checked into a treatment centre.
The team declined to reveal what issues led him to seek professional help but myriad fans were only too happy to speculate on what they might be on social media.
“It's his glove hand.”
“No, he's going down too early, he's got the Gump, and it's only going to get worsley.”
“You're both wrong. He definitely has inner ear problems that are causing him vertigo, the feeling that your surroundings are spinning. No wonder he's out of position so often.”
“Inner ear? Ha! It's his inner voice that's giving him grief, telling him he made a huge mistake signing on for eight more years with this ragtag bunch.”
“You're all wrong. The trade of Subban is finally starting to sink in. He misses the hijinks of his former teammate whose brashness always put a twinkle in his eye, a bounce in his step.”
“It's obvious. It's his shoulders. He's carried the team so long they're useless.”
“The team?
“No, his shoulders ... and, well, yeah, his team. I get depressed watching the Canadiens play. Imagine how Price must feel being on the ice with them, knowing he can't let in more than a goal a night if the team is to have a shot at winning. His spirit's broken. He can't do it anymore.”
How long Price will remain on the sidelines isn't known but it's not likely he'll return to the lineup any time soon.
What's the incentive to rushing back and being greeted by the likes of Benn, Petry, Morrow, Davidson and Schlemko?
One rumour gaining currency is that Price has sought the help of a prominent figure from his past.
“Did you know Michel Therrien still has about a hundred of his personal development kits in his closet? Sometimes it doesn't hurt to get a refresher.”
Julien to school players
(Oct. 22, 2017)
Montreal – Frustrated by the ineptitude his team has shown in losing seven straight games, Montreal Canadiens coach Claude Julien will take a different tack when his squad takes the ice against the Florida Panthers on Tuesday.
No, he hasn't fired defence coach JJ Daigneault, stripped the C from captain Max Pacioretty, benched Ales Hemsky, given netminder Carey Pricey a week's furlough to rediscover his gold medal form, had his players checked for a pulse, demanded general manager Marc Bergevin make a trade – heck, a half-dozen, even if it means spending some of the $8 million the GM been hoarding to improve the team – or drawn lines from a helmet.
No, what Julien plans to do is get personal with his players – as in in your face – whenever they make a mistake on the ice. None of that wrapping an arm around a player's shoulder and offering a bit of advice in an avuncular fashion. More of a headlock, really, so as to have the full attention of the “student” while imparting words of wisdom, in a Christian-Bale-as-Batman voice.
He also hasn't ruled out tweaking noses, pinching ears and poking chests.
“I'm a hands-on guy,” Julien said, adding wrily: “But don't be afraid to misquote me and say I am a handsome guy.”
To be clear, none of what the coach proposes to do will take place in full view of spectators and Hab fans at home. Julien had flirted with using a Cone of Silence to deliver his full-throated message but its transparency turns a blistering harangue into a pantomimic spectacle, and does little to spare a player from being humiliated.
Thought was given to using painted Cones but the claustrophobic effect it created made for a poor learning environment.
“The black one was the worst,” Julien said.
He has decided instead to follow the lead of football south of the border and use a small tent as his classroom (rather than as an area where a player's well-being is assessed in private after suffering an injury).
Players who have made a mistake and are in need of immediate correction will be taken aside by Julien and led to a tent set up in the corridor. There the coach will go over lessons unlearned with the player until a light bulb goes on over the player's head. Or, in extreme cases, a hockey stick, when the player is a bit slow on the uptake, in which case the blue tent will immediately become an ER, setting in motion the the protocol for dealing with concussions and the handling of future lawsuits.
“I'm not afraid to turn teachable moments into touchable ones,” Julien told reporters, cracking his knuckles with a knuckle cracker. “It's time they began playing hockey and stopped playing hooky.”
The tent, although green, is being referred to as blue, to reflect the colour of the high-decibel language employed by the headmaster rather than the hue of the surroundings.
The portable classroom has already been dubbed the Julien School for Underperforming Athletes.
Julien said he's “amazed” players are still having trouble learning his system.
“The playbook is three pages long, and that includes the cover and the glossary,” he fumed.
Bergevin reluctantly gave his approval to use of the tent knowing Julien will now be spending most of his time there away from the bench.
But Julien stood firm, saying he was prepared “smack some sense into his players with the cameras rolling” if he didn't get his way.
“Browbeating hasn't worked,” he said. “It's time to take it a step further.”
Warm reception turns chilly for Penguins
(Oct. 10, 2017)
Washington – A visit to the White House by the National Hockey League Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins didn't end well Tuesday with President Donald Trump calling team captain Sydney Crosby “a dumb Canuck” and Crosby saying Trump reminded him of “a butt end.”
The visit started out innocently enough with Trump saying a few kind words about the repeat Cup champions while congratulating them on their victory over the Nashville Predators earlier this year.
Things started going off the rails when Trump went off-script and quipped: “I don't know why I'm glad to see you guys, most of you are foreigners who've taken jobs away from Americans.”
That drew a gasp from the players, coaches and owners, and then a nervous laugh.
Encouraged, Trump thanked the Penguins for not kneeling during the playing of the American anthem during hockey games as a show of protest.
“Now I can understand if you did it during the Canadian anthem. I'd protest too. Man, is that one boring song. And oh-so-politically correct: 'Home and native land'? Hey, you took it from them fair and square. Even tried to give them an education, with room and board. And look at the trouble it got you. Ingrates!”
At that point, the Penguins began to show signs of discomfort, bowing their heads, shuffling their feet, and biting their lips, obviously not wanting to dishonour the Office of the President by giving voice to their mounting anger.
But their reticence ended when Trump chortled: “I see that teammate of yours, the one with the night show who thinks he's so funny, was too chicken to come here today. Afraid I'd cut him to shreds no doubt.”
It was at that point that a fuming Crosby spoke up, with the other players demonstrating he had their full support.
“Look here, Mr. President, get this straight. That player you're apparently talking about, Trevor Daly, is no longer with the team. He signed as a free agent with the Red Wings. And Trevor Noah, host of The Daily Show, has never played hockey, let alone for the Penguins. I can understand your confusion, though. They're both black. Now do I need to repeat this, or should I tweet it?”
It was at that point Trump called “Cindy” Crosby “a dumb Canuck,” and the Penguin captain responded with his “butt end” remark.
He then pulled the president's suit jacket over his head but was stopped from giving him a face wash by the Secret Service.
The Penguins were escorted from the White House while Trump struggled to free himself
A picture taken by one of the departing players and posted online showed the president frantically retrieving his hair swoop from inside his jacket.
(Oct. 10, 2017)
Washington – A visit to the White House by the National Hockey League Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins didn't end well Tuesday with President Donald Trump calling team captain Sydney Crosby “a dumb Canuck” and Crosby saying Trump reminded him of “a butt end.”
The visit started out innocently enough with Trump saying a few kind words about the repeat Cup champions while congratulating them on their victory over the Nashville Predators earlier this year.
Things started going off the rails when Trump went off-script and quipped: “I don't know why I'm glad to see you guys, most of you are foreigners who've taken jobs away from Americans.”
That drew a gasp from the players, coaches and owners, and then a nervous laugh.
Encouraged, Trump thanked the Penguins for not kneeling during the playing of the American anthem during hockey games as a show of protest.
“Now I can understand if you did it during the Canadian anthem. I'd protest too. Man, is that one boring song. And oh-so-politically correct: 'Home and native land'? Hey, you took it from them fair and square. Even tried to give them an education, with room and board. And look at the trouble it got you. Ingrates!”
At that point, the Penguins began to show signs of discomfort, bowing their heads, shuffling their feet, and biting their lips, obviously not wanting to dishonour the Office of the President by giving voice to their mounting anger.
But their reticence ended when Trump chortled: “I see that teammate of yours, the one with the night show who thinks he's so funny, was too chicken to come here today. Afraid I'd cut him to shreds no doubt.”
It was at that point that a fuming Crosby spoke up, with the other players demonstrating he had their full support.
“Look here, Mr. President, get this straight. That player you're apparently talking about, Trevor Daly, is no longer with the team. He signed as a free agent with the Red Wings. And Trevor Noah, host of The Daily Show, has never played hockey, let alone for the Penguins. I can understand your confusion, though. They're both black. Now do I need to repeat this, or should I tweet it?”
It was at that point Trump called “Cindy” Crosby “a dumb Canuck,” and the Penguin captain responded with his “butt end” remark.
He then pulled the president's suit jacket over his head but was stopped from giving him a face wash by the Secret Service.
The Penguins were escorted from the White House while Trump struggled to free himself
A picture taken by one of the departing players and posted online showed the president frantically retrieving his hair swoop from inside his jacket.
Hate groups infecting fan forums
(Aug. 31, 2017)
Montreal – The National Hockey League is deeply worried over the alarming increase in extremist fans.
“The wackos are taking over discussions in open hockey forums and recruiting readers to their disturbing websites,” said a league executive who insisted his name not be used for publication for fear he'd become the subject of a smear campaign “or worse, just for speaking out.”
“I don't need to remind you that fan is short for fanatic. And that another word that ends in tic is lunatic. You put those the two together and the result isn't tickety-boo, but something that scares the hell out of me and my colleagues.”
Emotionally charged debates in hockey aren't anything new. Fans regularly take sides on which players are the best or the worst, who should be traded, released or sent down, and who should be on which line, but they usually make their points with vigour, not malice.
“Those days are long gone, with the fringe element taking debates to a whole new level where opposing views are not to be tolerated,” said the NHL executive, who has been monitoring the increase in “shock jock talk” at the request of a “very nervous” commissioner Gary Bettman.
“It's keeping him awake at night what's happening. That, and anonymous phone calls to his private number which he keeps changing but to no avail.”
An extraordinary number of fan clubs has emerged that are relentless in deriding players and coaches they loathe, and they try to give their fervid declarations a semblance of authority by employing analytics in a highly selective and twisted manner that supports their questionable conclusions.
PPG and GAA mean less to them than COO (country of origin), COS (colour of skin) and FL (first language).
They're also not a fan of blocked shots.
These groups' game analyses invariably pin the blame for goals allowed on non- and quasi-North Americans, and assign exclusive responsibility for goals scored to this continent's “favoured sons,” even when sitting on the bench.
Fan clubs posing the greatest threats to peace and order in the hockey world include the Blueshirts in New York who will stop at nothing to impose their views about the Rangers, and the Tri-Quelleurs, Montreal Canadiens fans who parade in public wearing team-coloured balaclavas and carrying torches to intimidate contrary thinkers into submission.
Another feared gang are the Detroit Alt Right Wings, whose symbol is a spiked-adorned wheel and practice is to “patroll” the websites of other teams' fans.
Perhaps the worst of the bunch is Nazim's Cadre, a subversive group who have deliberately misspelled the Toronto Maple Leafs centre's first name to advance a National Socialist Hockey League agenda while remaining mum about his being a Muslim – which, as a non-Christian would make him a non-person in their eyes in any other situation.
But they've chosen to make allowances for his "wilful ignorance" because they especially like his being “a dirty player who often portrays himself as a victim,” said the league executive. “He's a thug, and yet every year he's among the top five at drawing penalties. Unbelievable.”
One threat that appears to be on the decline are the White supremacists, whose hero, centre Ryan White, is one step removed from not playing in the NHL, having been reduced to accepting a professional tryout by the Vancouver Canucks.
“So much for being a superior athlete,” the executive smirked.
He said the NHL is working with teams on a strategy to tackle head-on the evil elements that have attached themselves to every franchise.
“The only team not to sign on is Carolina,” he said. “They're just so glad when anybody shows up for a game.”
(Aug. 31, 2017)
Montreal – The National Hockey League is deeply worried over the alarming increase in extremist fans.
“The wackos are taking over discussions in open hockey forums and recruiting readers to their disturbing websites,” said a league executive who insisted his name not be used for publication for fear he'd become the subject of a smear campaign “or worse, just for speaking out.”
“I don't need to remind you that fan is short for fanatic. And that another word that ends in tic is lunatic. You put those the two together and the result isn't tickety-boo, but something that scares the hell out of me and my colleagues.”
Emotionally charged debates in hockey aren't anything new. Fans regularly take sides on which players are the best or the worst, who should be traded, released or sent down, and who should be on which line, but they usually make their points with vigour, not malice.
“Those days are long gone, with the fringe element taking debates to a whole new level where opposing views are not to be tolerated,” said the NHL executive, who has been monitoring the increase in “shock jock talk” at the request of a “very nervous” commissioner Gary Bettman.
“It's keeping him awake at night what's happening. That, and anonymous phone calls to his private number which he keeps changing but to no avail.”
An extraordinary number of fan clubs has emerged that are relentless in deriding players and coaches they loathe, and they try to give their fervid declarations a semblance of authority by employing analytics in a highly selective and twisted manner that supports their questionable conclusions.
PPG and GAA mean less to them than COO (country of origin), COS (colour of skin) and FL (first language).
They're also not a fan of blocked shots.
These groups' game analyses invariably pin the blame for goals allowed on non- and quasi-North Americans, and assign exclusive responsibility for goals scored to this continent's “favoured sons,” even when sitting on the bench.
Fan clubs posing the greatest threats to peace and order in the hockey world include the Blueshirts in New York who will stop at nothing to impose their views about the Rangers, and the Tri-Quelleurs, Montreal Canadiens fans who parade in public wearing team-coloured balaclavas and carrying torches to intimidate contrary thinkers into submission.
Another feared gang are the Detroit Alt Right Wings, whose symbol is a spiked-adorned wheel and practice is to “patroll” the websites of other teams' fans.
Perhaps the worst of the bunch is Nazim's Cadre, a subversive group who have deliberately misspelled the Toronto Maple Leafs centre's first name to advance a National Socialist Hockey League agenda while remaining mum about his being a Muslim – which, as a non-Christian would make him a non-person in their eyes in any other situation.
But they've chosen to make allowances for his "wilful ignorance" because they especially like his being “a dirty player who often portrays himself as a victim,” said the league executive. “He's a thug, and yet every year he's among the top five at drawing penalties. Unbelievable.”
One threat that appears to be on the decline are the White supremacists, whose hero, centre Ryan White, is one step removed from not playing in the NHL, having been reduced to accepting a professional tryout by the Vancouver Canucks.
“So much for being a superior athlete,” the executive smirked.
He said the NHL is working with teams on a strategy to tackle head-on the evil elements that have attached themselves to every franchise.
“The only team not to sign on is Carolina,” he said. “They're just so glad when anybody shows up for a game.”
Star's focus on mind games, not hockey matches
(Aug. 27, 2017)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens forward Alex Galchenyuk is seeing a psychiatrist to turn around his career.
Galchenyuk declined to answer questions and no one on the team would consent to an interview but a former Canadien who keeps in touch with the player said he's “seeing a shrink.”
“He's going through an identity crisis,” said the ex-Hab. “He doesn't know what he is anymore. Centre? Winger? First line? Fourth line? Future star? Trade bait?”
He also feels guilty that players he's partied with have been traded, convinced he was responsible for their departure, said the source, who agrees with that assessment, but without any bitterness.
“I feel sorry for the guy. He has all the talent in the world but the team is playing mind games with him by not slotting him into one role and sticking with it. That can play havoc with a player's confidence and really hurt his game.”
The source conceded Galchenyuk's off-ice activities have given the Canadiens cause for concern -- “that selfie of him with strippers wearing Bruin colours was a bad idea” -- but “they have to understand he's a young man prone to occasional bad-boy behaviour as a show of rebellion which he'll outgrow as he gets older. They just need to be patient and give him time.”
Galchenyuk has shown a new level of maturity by acknowledging he needs help and starting therapy, the source said. His fear is that he is showing signs of dissociative identity disorder (widely known as having multiple personalities) brought on by the team's handling of him.
“It's a real shame,” the source continued. “Here we had a player whose 'split the defence' mentality has been split into several personalities: 'back check, back check', 'don't lose the puck', 'gotta win this faceoff', 'cover my man'. He's so afraid of making mistakes that it's handcuffed his greatest strength: his offensive instincts.”
Galchenyuk isn't the first athlete who's had to deal with dissociative identity disorder – retired NFL star Herschel Walker wrote a book about his struggles with DID – but his would be the first that was team-induced.
There is no cure, as such, for DID but treatment over the long term can mitigate its pernicious effects.
Talk therapy, for example, is effective, as long it involves talking to other people and not oneself.
Galchenyuk has had a few hypnotherapy sessions already to ameliorate the effects of his Montreal trauma (MT).
He's also undergoing art therapy to address problems associated with mental brittleness (MB).
Galchenyuk's ex-teammate hopes the different therapies work out for his friend.
“He's so confused right now,” the source said. “He can't even remember if he's Russian or American.”
(Aug. 27, 2017)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens forward Alex Galchenyuk is seeing a psychiatrist to turn around his career.
Galchenyuk declined to answer questions and no one on the team would consent to an interview but a former Canadien who keeps in touch with the player said he's “seeing a shrink.”
“He's going through an identity crisis,” said the ex-Hab. “He doesn't know what he is anymore. Centre? Winger? First line? Fourth line? Future star? Trade bait?”
He also feels guilty that players he's partied with have been traded, convinced he was responsible for their departure, said the source, who agrees with that assessment, but without any bitterness.
“I feel sorry for the guy. He has all the talent in the world but the team is playing mind games with him by not slotting him into one role and sticking with it. That can play havoc with a player's confidence and really hurt his game.”
The source conceded Galchenyuk's off-ice activities have given the Canadiens cause for concern -- “that selfie of him with strippers wearing Bruin colours was a bad idea” -- but “they have to understand he's a young man prone to occasional bad-boy behaviour as a show of rebellion which he'll outgrow as he gets older. They just need to be patient and give him time.”
Galchenyuk has shown a new level of maturity by acknowledging he needs help and starting therapy, the source said. His fear is that he is showing signs of dissociative identity disorder (widely known as having multiple personalities) brought on by the team's handling of him.
“It's a real shame,” the source continued. “Here we had a player whose 'split the defence' mentality has been split into several personalities: 'back check, back check', 'don't lose the puck', 'gotta win this faceoff', 'cover my man'. He's so afraid of making mistakes that it's handcuffed his greatest strength: his offensive instincts.”
Galchenyuk isn't the first athlete who's had to deal with dissociative identity disorder – retired NFL star Herschel Walker wrote a book about his struggles with DID – but his would be the first that was team-induced.
There is no cure, as such, for DID but treatment over the long term can mitigate its pernicious effects.
Talk therapy, for example, is effective, as long it involves talking to other people and not oneself.
Galchenyuk has had a few hypnotherapy sessions already to ameliorate the effects of his Montreal trauma (MT).
He's also undergoing art therapy to address problems associated with mental brittleness (MB).
Galchenyuk's ex-teammate hopes the different therapies work out for his friend.
“He's so confused right now,” the source said. “He can't even remember if he's Russian or American.”
Habs claim teams torpedoing their reputation
(Aug. 24, 2017)
Montreal – National Hockey League officials are staying tight-lipped but insiders say the Montreal Canadiens have filed a complaint with the league alleging several rival teams are trying to undermine the club with outrageous falsehoods.
“They're claiming it's 'a campaign of diss-information' designed to weaken their trading position, damage their ability to sign free agents, and poison their relationship with fans,” said one source, who asked to be called Norm for the article.
The Canadiens didn't identify by name the teams it believes are behind the campaign but “the terminology they employed” narrowed the list of suspects to the Boston Bruins (“big, bad rumours”), Toronto Maple Leafs (“downfall”), Tampa Bay Lightning (“the fake news hit us like a thunderbolt”), New York Rangers (“one of the rumour-mongers is probably choking on his cigar in glee right now”), Philadelphia Flyers (“filthy lies”), Nashville Predators (“other teams are preying on us”), and Vegas Golden Knights (“hockey is a game of chances and they're using loaded dice against us”).
“The teams don't do it directly, of course, by taking out ads, other than that infamous two-page spread by (former Leaf owner Harold) Ballard, saying the Canadiens suck,” Norm said. “No, they use proxies who troll newspaper and fan websites smearing Canadiens' ownership and management, coaching staff and players. You do it long enough and extensively enough, eventually a lasting perception is created around the league that puts the team in an extremely bad light. Its reputation is shredded and with it the means to compete.”
“Don't kid yourself, players read what's out there. Those not playing for Montreal form an extremely low opinion of the team and free agents tell their paid agents to decline any offers. And the morale of players on the team takes a really big hit.”
Another source -- “call me Patti” -- said the NHL “takes the accusations seriously” and has set up a committee to investigate. Its chair, Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs, has sworn to remain “super uber neutral.”
Patti said those behind the campaign also “damn by excessive praise” current and prospective members of the Canadiens, creating “unrealistic expectations among supporters that can't be met, making their disappointment all the greater when players inevitably fail to achieve them.”
“You wouldn't believe some of the prospects the trolls were touting, like what's-his-name, (Danny) Kristo, or that French-Canadian guy, (Louis) Leblanc, but the fans did, and when their hopes went down in flames – ooh, that's another team suspected of colluded calumny – they soured on the Canadiens,” she said. “Their confidence now is at an all-time low and those whose faith in the team remains unwavering are thought to be delusional or shrill shills of management.”
Norm, Patti and another source, Sergei, said the Canadiens were at their wit's end – echoing the views of many online posters – when they went to the league with their concerns.
“Any time a team goes to the league for help you know it's run out of options,” Sergei said. “The league will string the Canadiens along for a while and then release a report saying the charges were unsupported by the facts. Then you can say they've reached the end of their rope.”
“And by that time they'll want to use it to hang the commissioner.”
(Aug. 24, 2017)
Montreal – National Hockey League officials are staying tight-lipped but insiders say the Montreal Canadiens have filed a complaint with the league alleging several rival teams are trying to undermine the club with outrageous falsehoods.
“They're claiming it's 'a campaign of diss-information' designed to weaken their trading position, damage their ability to sign free agents, and poison their relationship with fans,” said one source, who asked to be called Norm for the article.
The Canadiens didn't identify by name the teams it believes are behind the campaign but “the terminology they employed” narrowed the list of suspects to the Boston Bruins (“big, bad rumours”), Toronto Maple Leafs (“downfall”), Tampa Bay Lightning (“the fake news hit us like a thunderbolt”), New York Rangers (“one of the rumour-mongers is probably choking on his cigar in glee right now”), Philadelphia Flyers (“filthy lies”), Nashville Predators (“other teams are preying on us”), and Vegas Golden Knights (“hockey is a game of chances and they're using loaded dice against us”).
“The teams don't do it directly, of course, by taking out ads, other than that infamous two-page spread by (former Leaf owner Harold) Ballard, saying the Canadiens suck,” Norm said. “No, they use proxies who troll newspaper and fan websites smearing Canadiens' ownership and management, coaching staff and players. You do it long enough and extensively enough, eventually a lasting perception is created around the league that puts the team in an extremely bad light. Its reputation is shredded and with it the means to compete.”
“Don't kid yourself, players read what's out there. Those not playing for Montreal form an extremely low opinion of the team and free agents tell their paid agents to decline any offers. And the morale of players on the team takes a really big hit.”
Another source -- “call me Patti” -- said the NHL “takes the accusations seriously” and has set up a committee to investigate. Its chair, Boston Bruins owner Jeremy Jacobs, has sworn to remain “super uber neutral.”
Patti said those behind the campaign also “damn by excessive praise” current and prospective members of the Canadiens, creating “unrealistic expectations among supporters that can't be met, making their disappointment all the greater when players inevitably fail to achieve them.”
“You wouldn't believe some of the prospects the trolls were touting, like what's-his-name, (Danny) Kristo, or that French-Canadian guy, (Louis) Leblanc, but the fans did, and when their hopes went down in flames – ooh, that's another team suspected of colluded calumny – they soured on the Canadiens,” she said. “Their confidence now is at an all-time low and those whose faith in the team remains unwavering are thought to be delusional or shrill shills of management.”
Norm, Patti and another source, Sergei, said the Canadiens were at their wit's end – echoing the views of many online posters – when they went to the league with their concerns.
“Any time a team goes to the league for help you know it's run out of options,” Sergei said. “The league will string the Canadiens along for a while and then release a report saying the charges were unsupported by the facts. Then you can say they've reached the end of their rope.”
“And by that time they'll want to use it to hang the commissioner.”
Fans have good reason
to badmouth trades that stink
(Aug. 2, 2017)
Montreal – It’s the dirty, little secret that no GM wants to talks about: the REAL reason can’t-miss prospects, emerging superstars, and key veterans get traded for players of lesser value.
“Whenever that happens, it’s not the deal that stinks, it’s the player,” said one general manager who agreed to be candid if guaranteed anonymity. “Fans would be shocked if they knew how many players get dealt because they have bad breath or don’t use deodorant. When they say those deals don’t pass the smell test, they don’t know how right they are, for the wrong reason.”
It’s a little-known rule in The Code that hockey players not openly discuss an opponent’s halitosis or body odour because it’s just too personal, even more so than disparaging his parentage, sexual preference, ethnic origin or sister’s promiscuity.
That’s why it was such a stunner in the 2017 Stanley Cup final when Nashville Predator defenceman PK Subban accused Pittsburgh Penguin captain Sidney Crosby of having told him he has bad breath.
“It’s true, everybody in the league knows PK has a potty mouth – and it’s not because of his use of profanity,” the GM said. “But for Crosby to say it – and Subban repeat it to reporters! — was a serious breach of The Code. I can understand why Crosby strenuously denied saying it, but I have no doubt that he did, because it’s the truth. It’s why Montreal got rid of him. He was bad in the dressing room. In particular, his breath. It was a cloud hanging over the team. More of a mist actually.”
When the Canadiens signed Subban to a eight-year contract worth $72 million in 2014, pundits said the team had “handed him the mint,” the GM said. “They should have included mints. He’d still be with the team.”
Montreal insisted on Shea Weber in the trade with Nashville because the Man Mountain, as he’s known, “is a breath of fresh air. Players say that when he slams them into the boards it’s like being flattened with a 230-lb pine-scented air freshener.”
Nathan Beaulieu is another defenceman Montreal traded for what many thought was a modest return – third round pick – for a player yet to reach his full potential.
Popular speculation attributed his send-off to off-ice behaviour that the Canadiens found offensive but it was his underarms “that were the pits,” the GM said. “When general managers make that kind of trade involving a defenceman, they refer to the player in private with staff as ‘a Bobby Orr’. BO. Body odor. Or a No. 4, not far behind a No. 2 when it comes to smell.”
Penguin sniper Phil Kessel is another player whose breath reportedly ranks among the worst.
He was famously asked about it in a post-game interview by NBC hockey analyst Pierre McGuire in the 2016 playoffs.
To his credit, the Pittsburgh forward has tried to address the problem by wearing scented mouthguards, away from the arena as well as at the rink.
So why do teams trade FOR players who reek?
“They hold their nose making those kinds of deals, convinced the player will change his personal hygiene habits to try to make a good first impression with his teammates,” the GM said.
But it seldom ever happens, “even when teams put welcome baskets in new players’ stalls that include deodorant packs and cases of Listerine. When that doesn’t work, they end up putting mouth wash in their water bottles.”
to badmouth trades that stink
(Aug. 2, 2017)
Montreal – It’s the dirty, little secret that no GM wants to talks about: the REAL reason can’t-miss prospects, emerging superstars, and key veterans get traded for players of lesser value.
“Whenever that happens, it’s not the deal that stinks, it’s the player,” said one general manager who agreed to be candid if guaranteed anonymity. “Fans would be shocked if they knew how many players get dealt because they have bad breath or don’t use deodorant. When they say those deals don’t pass the smell test, they don’t know how right they are, for the wrong reason.”
It’s a little-known rule in The Code that hockey players not openly discuss an opponent’s halitosis or body odour because it’s just too personal, even more so than disparaging his parentage, sexual preference, ethnic origin or sister’s promiscuity.
That’s why it was such a stunner in the 2017 Stanley Cup final when Nashville Predator defenceman PK Subban accused Pittsburgh Penguin captain Sidney Crosby of having told him he has bad breath.
“It’s true, everybody in the league knows PK has a potty mouth – and it’s not because of his use of profanity,” the GM said. “But for Crosby to say it – and Subban repeat it to reporters! — was a serious breach of The Code. I can understand why Crosby strenuously denied saying it, but I have no doubt that he did, because it’s the truth. It’s why Montreal got rid of him. He was bad in the dressing room. In particular, his breath. It was a cloud hanging over the team. More of a mist actually.”
When the Canadiens signed Subban to a eight-year contract worth $72 million in 2014, pundits said the team had “handed him the mint,” the GM said. “They should have included mints. He’d still be with the team.”
Montreal insisted on Shea Weber in the trade with Nashville because the Man Mountain, as he’s known, “is a breath of fresh air. Players say that when he slams them into the boards it’s like being flattened with a 230-lb pine-scented air freshener.”
Nathan Beaulieu is another defenceman Montreal traded for what many thought was a modest return – third round pick – for a player yet to reach his full potential.
Popular speculation attributed his send-off to off-ice behaviour that the Canadiens found offensive but it was his underarms “that were the pits,” the GM said. “When general managers make that kind of trade involving a defenceman, they refer to the player in private with staff as ‘a Bobby Orr’. BO. Body odor. Or a No. 4, not far behind a No. 2 when it comes to smell.”
Penguin sniper Phil Kessel is another player whose breath reportedly ranks among the worst.
He was famously asked about it in a post-game interview by NBC hockey analyst Pierre McGuire in the 2016 playoffs.
To his credit, the Pittsburgh forward has tried to address the problem by wearing scented mouthguards, away from the arena as well as at the rink.
So why do teams trade FOR players who reek?
“They hold their nose making those kinds of deals, convinced the player will change his personal hygiene habits to try to make a good first impression with his teammates,” the GM said.
But it seldom ever happens, “even when teams put welcome baskets in new players’ stalls that include deodorant packs and cases of Listerine. When that doesn’t work, they end up putting mouth wash in their water bottles.”
Hab fans will no longer be taken for a ride
(July 29, 2017)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens are selling their bandwagon but few buyers are expected to kick the tires on the classic vehicle.
That’s because everything else on the decrepit bandwagon has been kicked in by disgruntled fans.
The upholstery has been ripped up as well and few of its windows are still intact. The springs are also shot and the fan belt’s frayed but the rear view mirror remains in mint condition.
“It’s a shame what’s happened to the BW,” said Paul Eeyannah, who used to be its driver back in the 1960s and ’70s. He came out of retirement in the mid-1980s before calling it quits for good in the summer of ’93.
His replacements haven’t shown the same regard for the BW that he did. They also routinely insult the few passengers who still ride the wagon, and commit scandalous acts of vandalism by giving them the gears.
“I can still remember when the BW came off the line in the early 1950s,” Eeyannah said. “It was a beaut – firewagon red with blue and white stripes — and ahead of its time in a lot of ways. Like the expandable seating sections. By 1960 the wagon had grown into a five-decker. And it was the first fanmobile to have multiple Cup holders.”
The Canadiens announced the sale in a news release, saying “times have changed. The team can’t afford to maintain a bandwagon, especially when ridership is steadily declining, and complaints about the service are on the rise. Users say it’s lost its pep and doesn’t always travel in the right direction.”
The team refurbished the BW over the years but with little success. Fans said the crankshaft that was installed – used, not new, to save money — actually made the vehicle run slower and they claimed it lost its bearings more than once in recent years.
The club didn’t rule out having a new bandwagon built, “when circumstances warrant its manufacture,” but, in the interim, fans in Montreal were advised to use Uber.
“Chances are they’ll end up in a car being driven by a Hab supporter, so they can spend the time together deciding what’s best for the team. We’d be pleased to hear from them as always what their remedies are.”
One fan wrote on Twitter he wasn’t upset the Canadiens were putting the historic bandwagon up for auction: “It was a lousy way to travel at the end. Stalled most of the time. And it bugged me having to print my own tickets or pay a $10 surcharge.”
(July 29, 2017)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens are selling their bandwagon but few buyers are expected to kick the tires on the classic vehicle.
That’s because everything else on the decrepit bandwagon has been kicked in by disgruntled fans.
The upholstery has been ripped up as well and few of its windows are still intact. The springs are also shot and the fan belt’s frayed but the rear view mirror remains in mint condition.
“It’s a shame what’s happened to the BW,” said Paul Eeyannah, who used to be its driver back in the 1960s and ’70s. He came out of retirement in the mid-1980s before calling it quits for good in the summer of ’93.
His replacements haven’t shown the same regard for the BW that he did. They also routinely insult the few passengers who still ride the wagon, and commit scandalous acts of vandalism by giving them the gears.
“I can still remember when the BW came off the line in the early 1950s,” Eeyannah said. “It was a beaut – firewagon red with blue and white stripes — and ahead of its time in a lot of ways. Like the expandable seating sections. By 1960 the wagon had grown into a five-decker. And it was the first fanmobile to have multiple Cup holders.”
The Canadiens announced the sale in a news release, saying “times have changed. The team can’t afford to maintain a bandwagon, especially when ridership is steadily declining, and complaints about the service are on the rise. Users say it’s lost its pep and doesn’t always travel in the right direction.”
The team refurbished the BW over the years but with little success. Fans said the crankshaft that was installed – used, not new, to save money — actually made the vehicle run slower and they claimed it lost its bearings more than once in recent years.
The club didn’t rule out having a new bandwagon built, “when circumstances warrant its manufacture,” but, in the interim, fans in Montreal were advised to use Uber.
“Chances are they’ll end up in a car being driven by a Hab supporter, so they can spend the time together deciding what’s best for the team. We’d be pleased to hear from them as always what their remedies are.”
One fan wrote on Twitter he wasn’t upset the Canadiens were putting the historic bandwagon up for auction: “It was a lousy way to travel at the end. Stalled most of the time. And it bugged me having to print my own tickets or pay a $10 surcharge.”
NuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'?
(July 7, 2017)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin plans to put the language issue to rest for good.
He’s ordered all members of his executive to learn Klingon – and declared that all future hirees will be required to do the same.
“We need to jagh yIbuStaH, not get sidetracked by outsiders fanning the flames of intolerance by complaining how many of my associates speak French,” Bergevin told reporters.
“If we don’t focus on one goal and one goal only, to win the Cup, we’ll never have qapla’.”
The GM says the new directive has been enthusiastically received by those under his command.
“Everyone I asked responded ‘Luq’ and meant it,” Bergevin said, describing a scenario that suggested he might have coached them in advance the response he expected.
One high-ranking Canadiens official who spoke anonymously, in French, said the new policy is causing some distress.
“Do you realize how hard it is to speak Klingon? I’d sooner learn throat singing. You don’t use as much phlegm.”
Hab legend and Hockey Hall of Famer Larry Robinson, who has a basic understanding of Romulan, said he is miffed that he is once again “being shut out of Bergevin’s inner circle” but indicated he had no plans to learn a new language at his age to have a shot at a coaching position with Montreal.
“Tell that wort he can urru Areinneye,” he said.
Bergevin didn’t take kindly to being asked about Robinson’s comment, uttering “Ghuy petaQ!” under his breath before making reply.
“NaDevvo’ peghoS!” he shouted, and stormed out of the meeting, drawing a phaser to clear a path through the assembled scribes.
Several dove for cover when they noted it wasn’t on Stun.
(July 7, 2017)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin plans to put the language issue to rest for good.
He’s ordered all members of his executive to learn Klingon – and declared that all future hirees will be required to do the same.
“We need to jagh yIbuStaH, not get sidetracked by outsiders fanning the flames of intolerance by complaining how many of my associates speak French,” Bergevin told reporters.
“If we don’t focus on one goal and one goal only, to win the Cup, we’ll never have qapla’.”
The GM says the new directive has been enthusiastically received by those under his command.
“Everyone I asked responded ‘Luq’ and meant it,” Bergevin said, describing a scenario that suggested he might have coached them in advance the response he expected.
One high-ranking Canadiens official who spoke anonymously, in French, said the new policy is causing some distress.
“Do you realize how hard it is to speak Klingon? I’d sooner learn throat singing. You don’t use as much phlegm.”
Hab legend and Hockey Hall of Famer Larry Robinson, who has a basic understanding of Romulan, said he is miffed that he is once again “being shut out of Bergevin’s inner circle” but indicated he had no plans to learn a new language at his age to have a shot at a coaching position with Montreal.
“Tell that wort he can urru Areinneye,” he said.
Bergevin didn’t take kindly to being asked about Robinson’s comment, uttering “Ghuy petaQ!” under his breath before making reply.
“NaDevvo’ peghoS!” he shouted, and stormed out of the meeting, drawing a phaser to clear a path through the assembled scribes.
Several dove for cover when they noted it wasn’t on Stun.
Bergevin states his position on centres
(July 7, 2017)
Montreal – Saying the continuing controversy over Montreal Canadiens’ centres is proving too much of a distraction, general manager Marc Bergevin has decreed all players not defencemen or goaltenders will simply be called forwards.
Or rovers.
“I don’t see the need to pigeonhole players by calling them wingers or centres,” Bergevin said. “Anyone who knows hockey knows players use the entire ice surface over the course of a game. Why limit their opportunities by slotting them into strictly defined roles? The only slot we want to see them in is in front of the net – and we don’t care who does it, left wing, right wing, centre.”
Bergevin has taken heat over his failure to secure a true number one centre in his five years on the job. He’s also drawn criticism for his choice of pivots for the other three lines.
“Fans are getting too caught up with who’s playing centre, who isn’t playing centre,” he said, a not-so-subtle reference to the ongoing debate among fans over whether the team’s star young player, Alex Galchenyuk, should play in the middle or on the wing.
“The only time the forwards will follow convention is when they line up for faceoffs,” Bergevin said. “All will get a chance to take a draw in the first half of the game, and the ones with the hottest hands will handle the assignment the rest of the way.”
As for defensive coverage in the team’s own end, “it will be left to the forwards to decide on the fly where and how they can do the most good,” he said. “They’re in the best position to figure out what position works best for them and the team in each situation. Sure, it might be chaotic at times, but that’s what we want, to keep the other team off-guard. They won’t know what hit them. Which is another thing we’re going to be asking the forwards to do.”
Bergevin acknowledged not having assigned roles could prove challenging for the players at first “but did having a system ever get us to the Stanley Cup final? Nope. There’s something to be said for disorganized play: the freedom to create. I’m sure the fans will find it entertaining.”
“And (coach Claude) Julien is slowly coming around to my way of thinking.”
(July 7, 2017)
Montreal – Saying the continuing controversy over Montreal Canadiens’ centres is proving too much of a distraction, general manager Marc Bergevin has decreed all players not defencemen or goaltenders will simply be called forwards.
Or rovers.
“I don’t see the need to pigeonhole players by calling them wingers or centres,” Bergevin said. “Anyone who knows hockey knows players use the entire ice surface over the course of a game. Why limit their opportunities by slotting them into strictly defined roles? The only slot we want to see them in is in front of the net – and we don’t care who does it, left wing, right wing, centre.”
Bergevin has taken heat over his failure to secure a true number one centre in his five years on the job. He’s also drawn criticism for his choice of pivots for the other three lines.
“Fans are getting too caught up with who’s playing centre, who isn’t playing centre,” he said, a not-so-subtle reference to the ongoing debate among fans over whether the team’s star young player, Alex Galchenyuk, should play in the middle or on the wing.
“The only time the forwards will follow convention is when they line up for faceoffs,” Bergevin said. “All will get a chance to take a draw in the first half of the game, and the ones with the hottest hands will handle the assignment the rest of the way.”
As for defensive coverage in the team’s own end, “it will be left to the forwards to decide on the fly where and how they can do the most good,” he said. “They’re in the best position to figure out what position works best for them and the team in each situation. Sure, it might be chaotic at times, but that’s what we want, to keep the other team off-guard. They won’t know what hit them. Which is another thing we’re going to be asking the forwards to do.”
Bergevin acknowledged not having assigned roles could prove challenging for the players at first “but did having a system ever get us to the Stanley Cup final? Nope. There’s something to be said for disorganized play: the freedom to create. I’m sure the fans will find it entertaining.”
“And (coach Claude) Julien is slowly coming around to my way of thinking.”
Amazing breakthrough in player development
(May 24, 2017)
Montreal – A defiant Marc Bergevin is expected to make a stunning revelation at a news conference he’s called for tomorrow to defend his five-year tenure as general manager of the Montreal Canadiens.
“Marc has been really feeling the heat since the Predators beat the Ducks and now have a shot at winning the Stanley Cup with PK in the lineup,” said a highly placed source.
Montreal, which traded Subban to Nashville for veteran defenceman Shea Weber, didn’t make it past the first round, and its quick ouster along with Nashville’s ascent has stoked the fury of Hab fans who hated the deal from day one and have pilloried Bergevin without fail.
Even those fans who reserved judgment, preferring to see how the trade played out, have come to loathe the GM for eviscerating the team of its greatest, flashiest talent.
Bergevin has remained tight-lipped for most of the playoffs but a confidante said “he’s had enough of his reputation being slammed” and he’s now prepared to make public what he and his staff have been doing behind the scenes to restore the team’s former glory.
“Marc has been open about how hard it is to make a trade in today’s NHL, especially for top-flight offensive talent, and he’s made it clear all along that he intends to rebuild the team internally,” the source said.
Unfortunately, the results to date have been rather paltry as few draft picks have earned a regular spot on the parent club; most are stuck on the farm team and have provided scant evidence they will ever become anything more than NHL journeymen.
“But what the fans don’t know is that the club has invested heavily in cutting-edge research that will validate Bergevin’s decision to be patient and develop from within,” said the source.
Come training camp next September “they will be amazed by the jaw-dropping transformation the prospects have undergone.”
He declined to provide details, saying he didn’t want to steal Bergevin’s thunder, but he promised “the startling breakthrough will surely silence his critics.”
However, Reuters has obtained secret footage from an insider showing Canadiens Director of Player Development Martin Lapointe and his special team at work.
If the clip is authentic, it will be standing-room only at Bergevin’s presser.
“People afterward will be saying: PK who?” the source said.
(May 24, 2017)
Montreal – A defiant Marc Bergevin is expected to make a stunning revelation at a news conference he’s called for tomorrow to defend his five-year tenure as general manager of the Montreal Canadiens.
“Marc has been really feeling the heat since the Predators beat the Ducks and now have a shot at winning the Stanley Cup with PK in the lineup,” said a highly placed source.
Montreal, which traded Subban to Nashville for veteran defenceman Shea Weber, didn’t make it past the first round, and its quick ouster along with Nashville’s ascent has stoked the fury of Hab fans who hated the deal from day one and have pilloried Bergevin without fail.
Even those fans who reserved judgment, preferring to see how the trade played out, have come to loathe the GM for eviscerating the team of its greatest, flashiest talent.
Bergevin has remained tight-lipped for most of the playoffs but a confidante said “he’s had enough of his reputation being slammed” and he’s now prepared to make public what he and his staff have been doing behind the scenes to restore the team’s former glory.
“Marc has been open about how hard it is to make a trade in today’s NHL, especially for top-flight offensive talent, and he’s made it clear all along that he intends to rebuild the team internally,” the source said.
Unfortunately, the results to date have been rather paltry as few draft picks have earned a regular spot on the parent club; most are stuck on the farm team and have provided scant evidence they will ever become anything more than NHL journeymen.
“But what the fans don’t know is that the club has invested heavily in cutting-edge research that will validate Bergevin’s decision to be patient and develop from within,” said the source.
Come training camp next September “they will be amazed by the jaw-dropping transformation the prospects have undergone.”
He declined to provide details, saying he didn’t want to steal Bergevin’s thunder, but he promised “the startling breakthrough will surely silence his critics.”
However, Reuters has obtained secret footage from an insider showing Canadiens Director of Player Development Martin Lapointe and his special team at work.
If the clip is authentic, it will be standing-room only at Bergevin’s presser.
“People afterward will be saying: PK who?” the source said.
The NHL and intelligence – who knew?
(April 14, 2017)
New York -- The National Hockey League has dismissed rumours it will replace its referees with robots within five years.
“Ludicrous. Outrageous. Wildly speculative,” NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman sputtered angrily when asked about the rumours. “Five years? Ridiculous!”
The commissioner's fervent denials aside as to timing, there is little doubt the NHL will become the first professional sports league to make use of “ArtiOfficial Intelligence®” to enforce the game's rules.
“It will revolutionize hockey,” said one team owner who sits on the select committee that was formed in secrecy two years ago to oversee the extraordinary R-and-D project.
“To go from superficial knowledge of the rules to ArtiOfficial Intelligence® that's all-encompassing is a huge, HUGE step to making the game more enjoyable for fans and safer for its players,” the owner said.
More enjoyable – perhaps, but not at first.
Having rules enforced impartially and in total will require a significant adjustment on the part of players accustomed to penalties being called haphazardly. No longer will they be able to rely on the incompetence and caprice of referees to get away with fouls.
So expect the games to be slowed down to a crawl as the AOIs “call everything from the first face-off to the final buzzer,” said the owner who requested anonymity “to avoid the wrath of Bettman.”
There will be a learning curve for the players, and until they become enlightened expect a constant parade to the penalty box, which the NHL has already made plans to increase in size in every arena and have the National Hockey Players' League Association pay for it, the owner said.
“There was some thought to include Third Period and Playoff modes in the AOIs' programming but the owners decided to go all-in and invest in the integrity of the sport,” he chuckled. “As well as stick it to members of the players' union.”
Getting rid of the National Hockey League Officials Association will be another bonus.
“Sure, there are some referees who know what they are doing and have a conscience but on the whole they're an inept bunch and damaging the league's image,” the owner said. “They've become a liability. We had to act, and show fans that we care.”
Linesmen are less of a concern but they will also be replaced as the AOI's, with their enhanced visual capabilities and link to arena drones, will be able to call offsides with remarkable precision.
And break up fights summarily.
The owner acknowledged designing replacement referees has been an exceedingly expensive undertaking but the league expects to recoup its costs soon enough in savings it will achieve by employing workers that can last for decades and require minimal maintenance, “without the annoyance of negotiating contracts.”
One other rumour has begun floating about, that the NHL has also begun work on developing a “Superior Competitive Athletic Being,” which, if found to be accurate, could become grounds for the players to go on strike, arguing it's in violation of the spirit of the Collective Bargaining Agreement, if not the contract's actual language.
The owner laughed nervously when asked about this, saying “the NHL has no desire to employ SCABs at this time.”
(April 14, 2017)
New York -- The National Hockey League has dismissed rumours it will replace its referees with robots within five years.
“Ludicrous. Outrageous. Wildly speculative,” NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman sputtered angrily when asked about the rumours. “Five years? Ridiculous!”
The commissioner's fervent denials aside as to timing, there is little doubt the NHL will become the first professional sports league to make use of “ArtiOfficial Intelligence®” to enforce the game's rules.
“It will revolutionize hockey,” said one team owner who sits on the select committee that was formed in secrecy two years ago to oversee the extraordinary R-and-D project.
“To go from superficial knowledge of the rules to ArtiOfficial Intelligence® that's all-encompassing is a huge, HUGE step to making the game more enjoyable for fans and safer for its players,” the owner said.
More enjoyable – perhaps, but not at first.
Having rules enforced impartially and in total will require a significant adjustment on the part of players accustomed to penalties being called haphazardly. No longer will they be able to rely on the incompetence and caprice of referees to get away with fouls.
So expect the games to be slowed down to a crawl as the AOIs “call everything from the first face-off to the final buzzer,” said the owner who requested anonymity “to avoid the wrath of Bettman.”
There will be a learning curve for the players, and until they become enlightened expect a constant parade to the penalty box, which the NHL has already made plans to increase in size in every arena and have the National Hockey Players' League Association pay for it, the owner said.
“There was some thought to include Third Period and Playoff modes in the AOIs' programming but the owners decided to go all-in and invest in the integrity of the sport,” he chuckled. “As well as stick it to members of the players' union.”
Getting rid of the National Hockey League Officials Association will be another bonus.
“Sure, there are some referees who know what they are doing and have a conscience but on the whole they're an inept bunch and damaging the league's image,” the owner said. “They've become a liability. We had to act, and show fans that we care.”
Linesmen are less of a concern but they will also be replaced as the AOI's, with their enhanced visual capabilities and link to arena drones, will be able to call offsides with remarkable precision.
And break up fights summarily.
The owner acknowledged designing replacement referees has been an exceedingly expensive undertaking but the league expects to recoup its costs soon enough in savings it will achieve by employing workers that can last for decades and require minimal maintenance, “without the annoyance of negotiating contracts.”
One other rumour has begun floating about, that the NHL has also begun work on developing a “Superior Competitive Athletic Being,” which, if found to be accurate, could become grounds for the players to go on strike, arguing it's in violation of the spirit of the Collective Bargaining Agreement, if not the contract's actual language.
The owner laughed nervously when asked about this, saying “the NHL has no desire to employ SCABs at this time.”
A 'new and improved' Therrien
(July 31, 2016)
MONTREAL – The Montreal Canadiens unveiled the newest version of their head coach today: Michel Therrien 3.0.
“We've addressed the many problems that came to light with Therrien 2.0, which we initially tried to fix with a Patch before the season began, but that only seemed to aggravate the situation and produce more glitches,” general manager Marc Bergevin said. “You saw the result. That's when we decided we needed to make a series of significant changes as part of a major upgrade. We have too much invested in Therrien's development to toss it aside now and start from scratch. Even those coaches you can buy off the shelf, or rather, have been shelved, like the Yeo Master was temporarily, still need to be customized to your organization. Which takes time and more money. And the calendar is ticking on our five-year plan.”
Work on a new release began in March and finished last week, he said.
The problems fixed include obstinacy, narrow-mindedness, favouritism, and ossification.
“Really, it was an infestation of bugs that was gumming up the works,” Bergevin said. “It will be a different Therrien at work this year. For one thing he's fluently bilingual now and will communicate better with players and reporters alike. His time management skills have also improved immensely. You'll see less of (Andrei) Markov over the course of the season, and more of (Nathan) Beaulieu, (Mark) Barberio, (Sven) Andrighetto, (Daniel) Carr, and others, and for longer periods, too. We need to have Markov and (Tomas) Plekanec fresh for the playoffs. And we will make the playoffs, I guarantee it.”
Bergevin said he and his team of software developers, including Larry Carrière and Rick Dudley, “reverse engineered” the NHL's top-of-the-line models – the Babcock Classic and Quintessential Quenneville, and last season's off-the-charts success, the Sullivan Penguinator – to incorporate the traits they were looking for in Therrien 3.0.
“We might have to get him to wear a name tag, he's changed so much the players won't recognize him,” the GM chuckled. “Especially the younger ones. They'll be allowed to spread their wings and not have them clipped after making a mistake.”
The new version has several innovative features, including a 3-D button (Delete David Desharnais) should a reliance on the diminutive centre return -- “if the diminutive centre even returns,” Bergevin quickly added -- and a Muller override, to be used whenever decisions are made that “reflect former ways of thinking that hurt the team,” Bergevin said.
To get Therrien 3.0 to operate at an optimum level, certain parts of the team “regrettably” had to be removed (PK Subban and Lars Eller) and replaced with ones that contain more grit “and nastiness,” he said, explaining the addition of Shea Weber and Andrew Shaw.
And with the upgrade, the Canadiens coach, “unlike his former self, enthusiastically embraces the infusion of offensive talent,” even if there's a risk of “combustibility” and “the threat of personal harm,” Bergevin said.
“But we're pretty sure (Alexander) Radulov will stick" -- Bergevin paused for effect – "to playing hockey. And great hockey, at that.”
Therrien 3.0 was not made available as he was still in the shop being "tweaked," Bergevin said.
“We think the hair plugs will enhance his image.”
(July 31, 2016)
MONTREAL – The Montreal Canadiens unveiled the newest version of their head coach today: Michel Therrien 3.0.
“We've addressed the many problems that came to light with Therrien 2.0, which we initially tried to fix with a Patch before the season began, but that only seemed to aggravate the situation and produce more glitches,” general manager Marc Bergevin said. “You saw the result. That's when we decided we needed to make a series of significant changes as part of a major upgrade. We have too much invested in Therrien's development to toss it aside now and start from scratch. Even those coaches you can buy off the shelf, or rather, have been shelved, like the Yeo Master was temporarily, still need to be customized to your organization. Which takes time and more money. And the calendar is ticking on our five-year plan.”
Work on a new release began in March and finished last week, he said.
The problems fixed include obstinacy, narrow-mindedness, favouritism, and ossification.
“Really, it was an infestation of bugs that was gumming up the works,” Bergevin said. “It will be a different Therrien at work this year. For one thing he's fluently bilingual now and will communicate better with players and reporters alike. His time management skills have also improved immensely. You'll see less of (Andrei) Markov over the course of the season, and more of (Nathan) Beaulieu, (Mark) Barberio, (Sven) Andrighetto, (Daniel) Carr, and others, and for longer periods, too. We need to have Markov and (Tomas) Plekanec fresh for the playoffs. And we will make the playoffs, I guarantee it.”
Bergevin said he and his team of software developers, including Larry Carrière and Rick Dudley, “reverse engineered” the NHL's top-of-the-line models – the Babcock Classic and Quintessential Quenneville, and last season's off-the-charts success, the Sullivan Penguinator – to incorporate the traits they were looking for in Therrien 3.0.
“We might have to get him to wear a name tag, he's changed so much the players won't recognize him,” the GM chuckled. “Especially the younger ones. They'll be allowed to spread their wings and not have them clipped after making a mistake.”
The new version has several innovative features, including a 3-D button (Delete David Desharnais) should a reliance on the diminutive centre return -- “if the diminutive centre even returns,” Bergevin quickly added -- and a Muller override, to be used whenever decisions are made that “reflect former ways of thinking that hurt the team,” Bergevin said.
To get Therrien 3.0 to operate at an optimum level, certain parts of the team “regrettably” had to be removed (PK Subban and Lars Eller) and replaced with ones that contain more grit “and nastiness,” he said, explaining the addition of Shea Weber and Andrew Shaw.
And with the upgrade, the Canadiens coach, “unlike his former self, enthusiastically embraces the infusion of offensive talent,” even if there's a risk of “combustibility” and “the threat of personal harm,” Bergevin said.
“But we're pretty sure (Alexander) Radulov will stick" -- Bergevin paused for effect – "to playing hockey. And great hockey, at that.”
Therrien 3.0 was not made available as he was still in the shop being "tweaked," Bergevin said.
“We think the hair plugs will enhance his image.”
Bettman addresses concussion issue head-on
(July 27, 2016)
New York – NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has come out swinging against those who insist there's a link between “getting your bell rung” and concussions.
“Science has yet to make the case that chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is the direct result of repeated blows to the head when it comes to hockey players,” Bettman said, in response to a United States senator's questions that suggested there is a connection.
He said the only thing that players being punched in the head or being rammed headfirst into the boards causes is “headaches” for himself and the league when the news media make the “outrageous claim” those kinds of incidents have long-term health consequences.
“It might be – and I stress might be – an issue if – and I stress if – the players didn't wear helmets but the players do, so end of discussion,” Bettman said, before giving reporters a lengthy account of the many safety measures the league has adopted over the years, often meeting resistance from players. From shin pads in place of catalogues – at this point he held up images of hockey legends Rocket Richard and Howie Morenz to make the comparison – to plastic protective cups in place of ones made of leather.
“Players were opposed to wearing helmets, saying they were hot, left ugly red marks on their foreheads, erased their on-ice identity, and caused premature baldness,” Bettman said. “But the league in its wisdom made helmets mandatory equipment and we haven't had a single death since.”
More recently the league introduced “breakable sticks” that snap in two to lessen the blow when used to deliver a slash, he said, even though “the downside is scoring opportunities that go for naught when a stick breaks taking a shot. That says something about the league's concern for its players that it's willing to give up more offence at a time when scoring is on the decline.”
The NHL is being sued by dozens of former players who say the NHL didn't warn them they were at risk of suffering lasting brain damage.
The NFL also fought a legal battle over the same issue but ended up agreeing to pay more than 20,000 retired NFL players anywhere from $190,000 to $5 million, on average, in compensation. The class action settlement could cost the NFL about $1 billion over 65 years.
The league takes in more than $13 billion a year in total revenues.
The NHL is ceding no ground in its courtroom confrontation with former players.
“The science regarding C.T.E., including on the asserted ‘link’ to concussions that you reference, remains nascent, particularly with respect to what causes C.T.E. and whether it can be diagnosed by specific clinical symptoms,” Mr. Bettman wrote in reply to questions posed by a member of the Senate's Consumer Protection subcommittee. “The relationship between concussions and the asserted clinical symptoms of C.T.E. remains unknown.”
His declarations were made public Tuesday after being filed in United States District Court in Minneapolis in response to the concussion lawsuit.
The documentation also included a copy of the NHL rule book with sections marked in yellow that are aimed at deterring players from committing violent acts.
The number of penalties the league has issued over the past 10 years to curb unsafe play was also included.
Bettman further pointed out the many former players who currently occupy high-level positions in the NHL and broadcast media whose careers were characterized by rough play.
“Do you think they'd be given those kinds of responsibilities if they were brain dead?” he asked. He shushed reporters about to respond, saying it was a rhetorical question and they “should have recognized it as such.”
Bettman then attacked the media for inciting fears that hockey is a dangerous sport and parents should dissuade their children from playing it.
“Life is full of risk,” he said. “Do you want your son or daughter to tip-toe through it, or charge full speed ahead? We have the rules and equipment to make the journey in hockey more exciting – and not as unsafe as it was years ago.”
Bettman said in his letter “a more measured approach consistent with the medical community consensus would be a safer, more prudent course” than to “assert, without reliable scientific support, that there is a causal link between concussions and C.T.E.'
He pointed to numerous studies conducted by Russian scientists on behalf of the KHL that failed to make that link, and he suggested more research is needed, which the league is prepared to underwrite, but only in partnership with the National Hockey League Players' Association.
NHLPA executive director Don Fehr said it's up to the players' employers to provide a safe workplace. Of greater concern to his members are the more vexatious issues of escrow and years of service required before free agency.
“They're a real pain in the ass,” he said.
(July 27, 2016)
New York – NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has come out swinging against those who insist there's a link between “getting your bell rung” and concussions.
“Science has yet to make the case that chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) is the direct result of repeated blows to the head when it comes to hockey players,” Bettman said, in response to a United States senator's questions that suggested there is a connection.
He said the only thing that players being punched in the head or being rammed headfirst into the boards causes is “headaches” for himself and the league when the news media make the “outrageous claim” those kinds of incidents have long-term health consequences.
“It might be – and I stress might be – an issue if – and I stress if – the players didn't wear helmets but the players do, so end of discussion,” Bettman said, before giving reporters a lengthy account of the many safety measures the league has adopted over the years, often meeting resistance from players. From shin pads in place of catalogues – at this point he held up images of hockey legends Rocket Richard and Howie Morenz to make the comparison – to plastic protective cups in place of ones made of leather.
“Players were opposed to wearing helmets, saying they were hot, left ugly red marks on their foreheads, erased their on-ice identity, and caused premature baldness,” Bettman said. “But the league in its wisdom made helmets mandatory equipment and we haven't had a single death since.”
More recently the league introduced “breakable sticks” that snap in two to lessen the blow when used to deliver a slash, he said, even though “the downside is scoring opportunities that go for naught when a stick breaks taking a shot. That says something about the league's concern for its players that it's willing to give up more offence at a time when scoring is on the decline.”
The NHL is being sued by dozens of former players who say the NHL didn't warn them they were at risk of suffering lasting brain damage.
The NFL also fought a legal battle over the same issue but ended up agreeing to pay more than 20,000 retired NFL players anywhere from $190,000 to $5 million, on average, in compensation. The class action settlement could cost the NFL about $1 billion over 65 years.
The league takes in more than $13 billion a year in total revenues.
The NHL is ceding no ground in its courtroom confrontation with former players.
“The science regarding C.T.E., including on the asserted ‘link’ to concussions that you reference, remains nascent, particularly with respect to what causes C.T.E. and whether it can be diagnosed by specific clinical symptoms,” Mr. Bettman wrote in reply to questions posed by a member of the Senate's Consumer Protection subcommittee. “The relationship between concussions and the asserted clinical symptoms of C.T.E. remains unknown.”
His declarations were made public Tuesday after being filed in United States District Court in Minneapolis in response to the concussion lawsuit.
The documentation also included a copy of the NHL rule book with sections marked in yellow that are aimed at deterring players from committing violent acts.
The number of penalties the league has issued over the past 10 years to curb unsafe play was also included.
Bettman further pointed out the many former players who currently occupy high-level positions in the NHL and broadcast media whose careers were characterized by rough play.
“Do you think they'd be given those kinds of responsibilities if they were brain dead?” he asked. He shushed reporters about to respond, saying it was a rhetorical question and they “should have recognized it as such.”
Bettman then attacked the media for inciting fears that hockey is a dangerous sport and parents should dissuade their children from playing it.
“Life is full of risk,” he said. “Do you want your son or daughter to tip-toe through it, or charge full speed ahead? We have the rules and equipment to make the journey in hockey more exciting – and not as unsafe as it was years ago.”
Bettman said in his letter “a more measured approach consistent with the medical community consensus would be a safer, more prudent course” than to “assert, without reliable scientific support, that there is a causal link between concussions and C.T.E.'
He pointed to numerous studies conducted by Russian scientists on behalf of the KHL that failed to make that link, and he suggested more research is needed, which the league is prepared to underwrite, but only in partnership with the National Hockey League Players' Association.
NHLPA executive director Don Fehr said it's up to the players' employers to provide a safe workplace. Of greater concern to his members are the more vexatious issues of escrow and years of service required before free agency.
“They're a real pain in the ass,” he said.
More than a tap on the wrist for slash to the face
(April 2, 2016)
Winnipeg – A 32-year-old man was sentenced to three months in jail for assaulting a rival in an industrial hockey league match March 29.
Keith Duncan was found guilty after court heard he whacked his victim, Charlie Doyle, in the face with a vicious swing of his stick while lying on the ice.
Duncan conceded he “may have been reckless” with his stick in getting back to his feet after being “cheapshotted” by Doyle but he insisted his intent was never to inflict harm.
“It just happened,” he said. “I was knocked down on my back and when I rolled over to stand up, my stick accidentally clipped Doyle. Bad luck, really.”
Bad luck seems to have followed Duncan throughout his years of playing in the Greater Winnipeg Men’s Industrial League. He has been suspended twice before for assaults during games, including once for a vicious slash to an opponent’s face.
Judge Burke Patrick took that into account in setting sentence after ruling Duncan had used his stick in “a dangerous and violent manner” in order to cause injury.
“This is an intentional and retaliatory act of violence by a player with a history of using his stick as a weapon,” Patrick said. “It’s time he learned his lesson. Behind bars.”
Patrick dismissed arguments by Duncan’s lawyer, Nolan Campbell, that men who play in industrial leagues accept the risk of getting hurt, including those occasions when injuries result from plays “outside the rules.”
It’s understood by everyone in the league, "and society in general, that organized sports have the final say on any punishment that is to be dished out,” Campbell said.
Duncan was given a match penalty and suspended for six games, including one in the first round of playoffs for the Bob Skudiak Dodge Dealership Trophy.
Duncan was charged with assault after a fan complained to police there were children in the stands who witnessed the attack and had been traumatized by the experience, especially when the spectators began screaming for “more blood.”
Patrick said “it’s ludicrous” for an organization to think it can operate “outside the law just because what it does takes place inside an arena.”
The judge noted that Duncan, a truck driver and father of four, will forfeit $11,500 in pay during his 12 weeks of incarceration, while his team, the Tildman Auto Wreckers Prairie Oysters, will be without its star player in defence of its title as league champions.
Duncan will receive counselling while in jail “to learn how to control his temper, even when provoked,” Patrick said. “Players should have faith in the league to enforce its rules and punish offenders in an appropriate manner.”
(April 2, 2016)
Winnipeg – A 32-year-old man was sentenced to three months in jail for assaulting a rival in an industrial hockey league match March 29.
Keith Duncan was found guilty after court heard he whacked his victim, Charlie Doyle, in the face with a vicious swing of his stick while lying on the ice.
Duncan conceded he “may have been reckless” with his stick in getting back to his feet after being “cheapshotted” by Doyle but he insisted his intent was never to inflict harm.
“It just happened,” he said. “I was knocked down on my back and when I rolled over to stand up, my stick accidentally clipped Doyle. Bad luck, really.”
Bad luck seems to have followed Duncan throughout his years of playing in the Greater Winnipeg Men’s Industrial League. He has been suspended twice before for assaults during games, including once for a vicious slash to an opponent’s face.
Judge Burke Patrick took that into account in setting sentence after ruling Duncan had used his stick in “a dangerous and violent manner” in order to cause injury.
“This is an intentional and retaliatory act of violence by a player with a history of using his stick as a weapon,” Patrick said. “It’s time he learned his lesson. Behind bars.”
Patrick dismissed arguments by Duncan’s lawyer, Nolan Campbell, that men who play in industrial leagues accept the risk of getting hurt, including those occasions when injuries result from plays “outside the rules.”
It’s understood by everyone in the league, "and society in general, that organized sports have the final say on any punishment that is to be dished out,” Campbell said.
Duncan was given a match penalty and suspended for six games, including one in the first round of playoffs for the Bob Skudiak Dodge Dealership Trophy.
Duncan was charged with assault after a fan complained to police there were children in the stands who witnessed the attack and had been traumatized by the experience, especially when the spectators began screaming for “more blood.”
Patrick said “it’s ludicrous” for an organization to think it can operate “outside the law just because what it does takes place inside an arena.”
The judge noted that Duncan, a truck driver and father of four, will forfeit $11,500 in pay during his 12 weeks of incarceration, while his team, the Tildman Auto Wreckers Prairie Oysters, will be without its star player in defence of its title as league champions.
Duncan will receive counselling while in jail “to learn how to control his temper, even when provoked,” Patrick said. “Players should have faith in the league to enforce its rules and punish offenders in an appropriate manner.”
Players worry they could also face suspension
(March 9, 2016)
Montreal – Several members of the Montreal Canadiens are worried they could be handed the same 20-game suspension former teammate Jarred Tinordi received for using a performance-enhancing substance.
Speaking freely after being granted anonymity, the players, all centres, admitted Tinordi's suspension caught them by surprise, especially the statement he issued through the NHLPA: “I am extremely disappointed that I failed a test under the NHL/NHLPA Performance Enhancing Substances Program. I did not knowingly take a banned substance. I understand, however, that I am responsible for what enters my body as a professional athlete and I accept the suspension. I will work hard towards my return to the ice and will learn from this frustrating setback.”
Said one Canadien: “How the hell are we supposed to know what enters our body? You realize most of us eat out, right, at places like McDonald's, KFC, Beijing Bob's Chinese Buffet, and other fast food joints? Who knows what they put in the poutine. Does anybody know what they put in the poutine? Or even wants to know?”
Another player, a veteran, said “you can't trust the burgers and steaks they serve you today, the cows they use are all filled with antibiotics and growth hormones. And those are the drugs we know about. What are the odds of that stuff winding up in our bodies and doing weird things? Like shrinking your testicles. For example.”
A third player said Tinordi's positive test for a banned substance made him think back to when the hulking defenceman was a beloved member of the team who was “generous to a fault” about handing out candy.
“His pockets were always filled with the stuff, especially those PEZ dispensers,” the player said. “He was forever popping the tablets in his mouth. Seemed to give him a buzz so we all tried it. Definitely gave us a sugar high that got us hooked but now I'm wondering if the PEZ might stand for Performance Enhancing Zip. Not that it added any zip to his game, and now that I think about it, it didn't do much for ours either. When did we start consuming that stuff, Lars?”
The player to whom the question was directed replied: “First week of December. Remember, Jarry gave us a bunch of the dispensers, said they were early Christmas presents.”
A fifth player, in his second year with the Canadiens, said the team should have "twigged something wasn't quite right” by the heads that topped the dispensers.
“They weren't Disney folk or other cartoon characters,” he said. “They were real-life famous people, like Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Peyton Manning.”
Under the terms of the collective-bargaining agreement, Tinordi, who was traded to the Arizona Coyotes in mid-January, will be referred to the NHL/NHLPA Program for Substance Abuse and Behavioral Health for evaluation and treatment, if necessary.
Players with the Canadiens are not the only ones worried by the recent development: General manager Marc Bergevin is “nervous as hell” was the consensus of the players interviewed.
The smallest one contacted, who has an inside track on what's going on behind the scenes at the Bell Centre, said Bergevin was unnerved by Coyotes coach Dave Tippett voicing suspicion the Montreal GM knew about Tinordi's substance abuse.
Tippett speculated it had been “going on” before he joined the team.
“I wasn’t aware of anything, but the league and the PA will deal with that,” he said.
A team spokesman said Bergevin was at his lawyer's office and unavailable for comment.
“Bergie's really scared what the league could do to him,” said a source born near Montreal. “He's afraid he might have to take Tinordi back.”
(March 9, 2016)
Montreal – Several members of the Montreal Canadiens are worried they could be handed the same 20-game suspension former teammate Jarred Tinordi received for using a performance-enhancing substance.
Speaking freely after being granted anonymity, the players, all centres, admitted Tinordi's suspension caught them by surprise, especially the statement he issued through the NHLPA: “I am extremely disappointed that I failed a test under the NHL/NHLPA Performance Enhancing Substances Program. I did not knowingly take a banned substance. I understand, however, that I am responsible for what enters my body as a professional athlete and I accept the suspension. I will work hard towards my return to the ice and will learn from this frustrating setback.”
Said one Canadien: “How the hell are we supposed to know what enters our body? You realize most of us eat out, right, at places like McDonald's, KFC, Beijing Bob's Chinese Buffet, and other fast food joints? Who knows what they put in the poutine. Does anybody know what they put in the poutine? Or even wants to know?”
Another player, a veteran, said “you can't trust the burgers and steaks they serve you today, the cows they use are all filled with antibiotics and growth hormones. And those are the drugs we know about. What are the odds of that stuff winding up in our bodies and doing weird things? Like shrinking your testicles. For example.”
A third player said Tinordi's positive test for a banned substance made him think back to when the hulking defenceman was a beloved member of the team who was “generous to a fault” about handing out candy.
“His pockets were always filled with the stuff, especially those PEZ dispensers,” the player said. “He was forever popping the tablets in his mouth. Seemed to give him a buzz so we all tried it. Definitely gave us a sugar high that got us hooked but now I'm wondering if the PEZ might stand for Performance Enhancing Zip. Not that it added any zip to his game, and now that I think about it, it didn't do much for ours either. When did we start consuming that stuff, Lars?”
The player to whom the question was directed replied: “First week of December. Remember, Jarry gave us a bunch of the dispensers, said they were early Christmas presents.”
A fifth player, in his second year with the Canadiens, said the team should have "twigged something wasn't quite right” by the heads that topped the dispensers.
“They weren't Disney folk or other cartoon characters,” he said. “They were real-life famous people, like Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Peyton Manning.”
Under the terms of the collective-bargaining agreement, Tinordi, who was traded to the Arizona Coyotes in mid-January, will be referred to the NHL/NHLPA Program for Substance Abuse and Behavioral Health for evaluation and treatment, if necessary.
Players with the Canadiens are not the only ones worried by the recent development: General manager Marc Bergevin is “nervous as hell” was the consensus of the players interviewed.
The smallest one contacted, who has an inside track on what's going on behind the scenes at the Bell Centre, said Bergevin was unnerved by Coyotes coach Dave Tippett voicing suspicion the Montreal GM knew about Tinordi's substance abuse.
Tippett speculated it had been “going on” before he joined the team.
“I wasn’t aware of anything, but the league and the PA will deal with that,” he said.
A team spokesman said Bergevin was at his lawyer's office and unavailable for comment.
“Bergie's really scared what the league could do to him,” said a source born near Montreal. “He's afraid he might have to take Tinordi back.”
Bergevin ousted, did Dudley do right?
(Feb. 27, 2016)
Montreal – Marc Bergevin has been ousted as executive vice president and general manager of the Montreal Canadiens in a coups d'état carried out by a cabal of his trusted advisers.
Senior vice president Rick Dudley said the unprecedented move he helped orchestrate “fell within the ambit of hockey operations” he was entrusted to oversee when he was hired by Bergevin in 2012.
“It was understood from the start that I would do what's best for the team and in light of what has happened this season it became apparent that removing Marc was a hockey operation that had to be done to make the team healthy again,” Dudley said.
“He'll agree, once he's had a few months to calm down and begin work on his memoir. I still consider him a pal, we're just not Best Friends Forever right now.”
Dudley said he and his co-conspirators (“please, refer to us as team loyalists”) -- vice president of player personnel Trevor Timmins, assistant general managers Larry Carriere and Scott Mellanby, executive assistant to the general manager Susan Cryans, head equipment manager Pierre Gervais, director of professional scouting Vaughn Karpan and chief surgeon Dr. David Mulder – acted out of concern that Bergevin “would do something foolish trade deadline day, if not before then.”
“He has been showing signs of erratic behaviour for a while now, with all those questionable contract extensions, player signings, that weird deal where we ended up with Scott, and, most recently, his defiant public show of support for coach Therrien,” Dudley said. “Briere, Parenteau, Sekac, Semin, Kassian, Fleischmann – it was a death of a thousand tweaks happening right before our very eyes. We couldn't stand by and watch the team bleed bleu-blanc-et-rouge any longer.”
Getting rid of Dale Weise and Tomas Fleischmann “made sense” because they're pending free agents but when rumours got stronger that Lars Eller was next on the trading block, “we knew he had lost his mind and we had to act,” he said.
Dudley said his former boss “didn't take kindly to being removed” and “was, understandably, struggling to accept” his being tossed aside.
Bergevin couldn't be reached for his reaction but muffled noises from an office next door that sounded eerily similar to a person furiously trying to remove a gag and physical restraints indicated he might soon be available for comment.
Team owner Geoff Molson said he “trusted Dudley to do the right thing” and would not undo what his “hockey people had done unilaterally without consultation.”
“I”m a beer man, I leave it to the pros to put together and manage a winning hockey team. I wouldn't be surprised if Therrien has visitors in the next day or two.”
“Just a hunch,” he added. "When the coach of a losing team isn't willing to change his style, maybe it's time to change the coach."
Therrien was said to have found shelter in a “foxhole” and was incommunicado in both languages. Concerned fans across the city launched a search party last night carrying torches.
The interim executive vice president/general manager didn't tip his hand on whether the Canadiens will be buyers or sellers Monday, the last day to make trades.
“We'll look at all our options, which is that no player is untouchable. Except the players who are injured, of course, including Desharnais. Which is too bad. His boot was made for walking, and that's just what I'd do ... One of these days.”
Dudley said he had no objection to being called the “ringleader,” as he fully expects yesterday's “coups d'état will ultimately lead to La Coupe Stanley.”
Dudley and his fellow team builders were to meet later today to begin work on a five-year plan to capture the trophy for the 25th time in franchise history.
“But right now we're going to concentrate on helping the St. John's IceCaps win the Calder Cup,” he said. “The place to grow a winning attitude is down on the farm.”
(Feb. 27, 2016)
Montreal – Marc Bergevin has been ousted as executive vice president and general manager of the Montreal Canadiens in a coups d'état carried out by a cabal of his trusted advisers.
Senior vice president Rick Dudley said the unprecedented move he helped orchestrate “fell within the ambit of hockey operations” he was entrusted to oversee when he was hired by Bergevin in 2012.
“It was understood from the start that I would do what's best for the team and in light of what has happened this season it became apparent that removing Marc was a hockey operation that had to be done to make the team healthy again,” Dudley said.
“He'll agree, once he's had a few months to calm down and begin work on his memoir. I still consider him a pal, we're just not Best Friends Forever right now.”
Dudley said he and his co-conspirators (“please, refer to us as team loyalists”) -- vice president of player personnel Trevor Timmins, assistant general managers Larry Carriere and Scott Mellanby, executive assistant to the general manager Susan Cryans, head equipment manager Pierre Gervais, director of professional scouting Vaughn Karpan and chief surgeon Dr. David Mulder – acted out of concern that Bergevin “would do something foolish trade deadline day, if not before then.”
“He has been showing signs of erratic behaviour for a while now, with all those questionable contract extensions, player signings, that weird deal where we ended up with Scott, and, most recently, his defiant public show of support for coach Therrien,” Dudley said. “Briere, Parenteau, Sekac, Semin, Kassian, Fleischmann – it was a death of a thousand tweaks happening right before our very eyes. We couldn't stand by and watch the team bleed bleu-blanc-et-rouge any longer.”
Getting rid of Dale Weise and Tomas Fleischmann “made sense” because they're pending free agents but when rumours got stronger that Lars Eller was next on the trading block, “we knew he had lost his mind and we had to act,” he said.
Dudley said his former boss “didn't take kindly to being removed” and “was, understandably, struggling to accept” his being tossed aside.
Bergevin couldn't be reached for his reaction but muffled noises from an office next door that sounded eerily similar to a person furiously trying to remove a gag and physical restraints indicated he might soon be available for comment.
Team owner Geoff Molson said he “trusted Dudley to do the right thing” and would not undo what his “hockey people had done unilaterally without consultation.”
“I”m a beer man, I leave it to the pros to put together and manage a winning hockey team. I wouldn't be surprised if Therrien has visitors in the next day or two.”
“Just a hunch,” he added. "When the coach of a losing team isn't willing to change his style, maybe it's time to change the coach."
Therrien was said to have found shelter in a “foxhole” and was incommunicado in both languages. Concerned fans across the city launched a search party last night carrying torches.
The interim executive vice president/general manager didn't tip his hand on whether the Canadiens will be buyers or sellers Monday, the last day to make trades.
“We'll look at all our options, which is that no player is untouchable. Except the players who are injured, of course, including Desharnais. Which is too bad. His boot was made for walking, and that's just what I'd do ... One of these days.”
Dudley said he had no objection to being called the “ringleader,” as he fully expects yesterday's “coups d'état will ultimately lead to La Coupe Stanley.”
Dudley and his fellow team builders were to meet later today to begin work on a five-year plan to capture the trophy for the 25th time in franchise history.
“But right now we're going to concentrate on helping the St. John's IceCaps win the Calder Cup,” he said. “The place to grow a winning attitude is down on the farm.”
Tinordi re-assigned to St. John's
(Nov. 28, 2015)
Montreal – Jarred Tinordi was sent down to St. John's for conditioning – but it's not what you think, Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevein admitted today.
Bergevin told reporters the hulking defenceman, a healthy scratch since the start of the season, is training to become a goalie while practising with the IceCaps.
“After that, who knows?” he said.
The loss of MVP goaltender Carey Price to injury for the second time this season has the team worried he won't be able to return any time soon or to the same level of excellence that has marked his career.
Mike Condon has performed well in Price's absence but beyond him Montreal's goaltending ranks are thin. The current backup, Dustin Tokarski, has lost the confidence of the coaching staff, and the IceCaps tandem of Zachary Fucale and Eddie Pasquale have no NHL experience.
Tinordi, on the other hand, has played 43 games – but none as goalie.
Bergevin doesn't see that as a problem, however, not when the player is six-foot-six, four inches taller than either Fucale and Pasquale, and is being paid $850,000 a year to watch the games in civvies.
“What people forget is that when we signed Jarred in the summer for another year, it was a two-way deal,” Bergevin said. “The deal was that he'd play one of two ways, defence or goalie. Well, it wasn't working out for him as a defenceman, we have too much depth on the blueline, so now we've asked him to play goalie.”
The general manager said it shouldn't be much of an adjustment for the 23-year-old.
“He already knows how to block shots. Now he's got bigger pads and gloves to do it with.”
Bergevin said it will be left to netminding guru Stéphane Waite to decide which style best suits Tinordi.
“I can tell you right now it won't be butterfly,” Bergevin chuckled. “I'm thinking more along the lines of a hefty stork.”
Although the move caught hockey analysts by surprise – one was still reporting Tinordi was in the Top Ten among defencemen who are healthy scratches – a consensus quickly emerged that his re-assignment was another stroke of genius on Bergevin's part.
“Look at what that six-foot-seven stiff in Tampa has been able to do, just because he's tall,” observed one reporter to several approving nods.
Bergevin said there are numerous examples in other sports of how players who excelled at one position found success when asked to try something else later in life, such as an outfielder in the minors being converted to a pitcher or a star quarterback in college playing as a receiver in the pros.
"Why can't hockey players do the same?" he asked.
He'll get his answer soon enough.
Tinordi's father, Mark, who played more than 700 games in the NHL as a blueliner, said he didn't raise his son to be a goalie, but added he would wait to pass judgment until after Jarred has played “a dozen or so games in the net for the Canadiens. We'll know then by the trade deadline what he's worth.”
Bergevin said if there's one concern the team has with Tinordi as netminder it's “handling the puck. As long as he keeps his passes to five feet, he should be okay.”
(Nov. 28, 2015)
Montreal – Jarred Tinordi was sent down to St. John's for conditioning – but it's not what you think, Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevein admitted today.
Bergevin told reporters the hulking defenceman, a healthy scratch since the start of the season, is training to become a goalie while practising with the IceCaps.
“After that, who knows?” he said.
The loss of MVP goaltender Carey Price to injury for the second time this season has the team worried he won't be able to return any time soon or to the same level of excellence that has marked his career.
Mike Condon has performed well in Price's absence but beyond him Montreal's goaltending ranks are thin. The current backup, Dustin Tokarski, has lost the confidence of the coaching staff, and the IceCaps tandem of Zachary Fucale and Eddie Pasquale have no NHL experience.
Tinordi, on the other hand, has played 43 games – but none as goalie.
Bergevin doesn't see that as a problem, however, not when the player is six-foot-six, four inches taller than either Fucale and Pasquale, and is being paid $850,000 a year to watch the games in civvies.
“What people forget is that when we signed Jarred in the summer for another year, it was a two-way deal,” Bergevin said. “The deal was that he'd play one of two ways, defence or goalie. Well, it wasn't working out for him as a defenceman, we have too much depth on the blueline, so now we've asked him to play goalie.”
The general manager said it shouldn't be much of an adjustment for the 23-year-old.
“He already knows how to block shots. Now he's got bigger pads and gloves to do it with.”
Bergevin said it will be left to netminding guru Stéphane Waite to decide which style best suits Tinordi.
“I can tell you right now it won't be butterfly,” Bergevin chuckled. “I'm thinking more along the lines of a hefty stork.”
Although the move caught hockey analysts by surprise – one was still reporting Tinordi was in the Top Ten among defencemen who are healthy scratches – a consensus quickly emerged that his re-assignment was another stroke of genius on Bergevin's part.
“Look at what that six-foot-seven stiff in Tampa has been able to do, just because he's tall,” observed one reporter to several approving nods.
Bergevin said there are numerous examples in other sports of how players who excelled at one position found success when asked to try something else later in life, such as an outfielder in the minors being converted to a pitcher or a star quarterback in college playing as a receiver in the pros.
"Why can't hockey players do the same?" he asked.
He'll get his answer soon enough.
Tinordi's father, Mark, who played more than 700 games in the NHL as a blueliner, said he didn't raise his son to be a goalie, but added he would wait to pass judgment until after Jarred has played “a dozen or so games in the net for the Canadiens. We'll know then by the trade deadline what he's worth.”
Bergevin said if there's one concern the team has with Tinordi as netminder it's “handling the puck. As long as he keeps his passes to five feet, he should be okay.”
NHL, NRA -- arms in arms
(Jan. 5, 2016)
New York – The National Hockey League has joined the debate over restrictions on gun ownership in the United States by welcoming the National Rifle Association as a sponsor.
The move announced today puts the NHL in the the opposite camp of the National Basketball Association, which has partnered with Everytown for Gun Safety in a television advertising campaign calling for an end to gun violence.
Several NBA stars, including Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors, are featured in the 30-second ads that began airing before Christmas. Curry talks about his daughter Riley being the same age as a three-year-old who was shot and Chris Paul says his parents used to tell him “A bullet doesn’t have a name on it.”
NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly said the five-year, $800 million deal with the NRA was reached inside a day, after the association presented “a compelling argument the NRA and the NHL are a good fit” because of the terminology the sport employs.
“Shooting is everything in the NHL, snipers are among our highest paid athletes, and we often talk about pulling the trigger on a trade,” he said, adding high-scoring unrestricted free agents who get traded at deadline are “commonly referred to as hired guns.”
And when a player isn't scoring, “we say he's firing blanks.”
Daly said “hockey doesn't try to disguise the fact it is a violent sport – that's why people love it. Just like they do shooting guns. People don't buy guns to kill people, they buy them to kill animals or to have target practice.
“Fun with pucks and bullets, that's the message the NHL and NRA want to get across. It's as simple as that.”
Daly conceded guns in the wrong hands can result in death and serious injury, and “the occasional mass killing,” but pucks and sticks can also do harm when used by those not so concerned about the damage they can cause, to garage doors, parked cars, dryers, and “younger siblings who are annoying.”
The issue isn't what guns or pucks can do when used inappropriately, “it's a matter of choice, and we're all for choice, which is why we have an entry level draft, for instance,” he said.
Daly dismissed the NBA as a league where “a little slap on the wrist is considered a foul, which really explains their position on gun ownership and control. They tend to see everything in black-and-white terms. The NHL, on the other hand, tends to be more nuanced in its thinking. You only have to see our referees in action to realize how hard we try to be flexible and not be so judgmental.”
No date has been set for the airing of commercials starring NHL players. The first set of ads, still being put together, will include historic clips of Teemu Selanne using his stick as a rifle after scoring a goal, as well as Hunters – Dale and Tim – in action.
Don Cherry “shooting off his mouth” is almost a certainty.
The NRA declined comment. A spokesman said its "preference is to adopt a low profile in order to avoid controversy.”
(Jan. 5, 2016)
New York – The National Hockey League has joined the debate over restrictions on gun ownership in the United States by welcoming the National Rifle Association as a sponsor.
The move announced today puts the NHL in the the opposite camp of the National Basketball Association, which has partnered with Everytown for Gun Safety in a television advertising campaign calling for an end to gun violence.
Several NBA stars, including Stephen Curry of the Golden State Warriors, are featured in the 30-second ads that began airing before Christmas. Curry talks about his daughter Riley being the same age as a three-year-old who was shot and Chris Paul says his parents used to tell him “A bullet doesn’t have a name on it.”
NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly said the five-year, $800 million deal with the NRA was reached inside a day, after the association presented “a compelling argument the NRA and the NHL are a good fit” because of the terminology the sport employs.
“Shooting is everything in the NHL, snipers are among our highest paid athletes, and we often talk about pulling the trigger on a trade,” he said, adding high-scoring unrestricted free agents who get traded at deadline are “commonly referred to as hired guns.”
And when a player isn't scoring, “we say he's firing blanks.”
Daly said “hockey doesn't try to disguise the fact it is a violent sport – that's why people love it. Just like they do shooting guns. People don't buy guns to kill people, they buy them to kill animals or to have target practice.
“Fun with pucks and bullets, that's the message the NHL and NRA want to get across. It's as simple as that.”
Daly conceded guns in the wrong hands can result in death and serious injury, and “the occasional mass killing,” but pucks and sticks can also do harm when used by those not so concerned about the damage they can cause, to garage doors, parked cars, dryers, and “younger siblings who are annoying.”
The issue isn't what guns or pucks can do when used inappropriately, “it's a matter of choice, and we're all for choice, which is why we have an entry level draft, for instance,” he said.
Daly dismissed the NBA as a league where “a little slap on the wrist is considered a foul, which really explains their position on gun ownership and control. They tend to see everything in black-and-white terms. The NHL, on the other hand, tends to be more nuanced in its thinking. You only have to see our referees in action to realize how hard we try to be flexible and not be so judgmental.”
No date has been set for the airing of commercials starring NHL players. The first set of ads, still being put together, will include historic clips of Teemu Selanne using his stick as a rifle after scoring a goal, as well as Hunters – Dale and Tim – in action.
Don Cherry “shooting off his mouth” is almost a certainty.
The NRA declined comment. A spokesman said its "preference is to adopt a low profile in order to avoid controversy.”
Pestered about his health, Price gets upset
(Nov. 19, 2015)
Montreal – Is Carey Price losing his cucumber cool? Fans are asking themselves, and others, that question after the Vezina Trophy winner showed a prickly pear side when being questioned about his lower body injury.
The star Montreal Canadiens goaltender hasn't played in two weeks but he has returned to skating.
“It's all about trying to get your timing back at this point,” Price said after practice.
When he made clear he won't be back in the lineup until he's 100 per cent healthy, reporters pressed him to say how close he was to reaching that goal, percentage-wise, which drew a lemony tart response from Price: “I don’t know about these questions, man. Can’t we just leave it at where it is? I said I’ll come back when I’m ready to play. I don’t know exactly when that will be, but it should be pretty soon.”
But reporters pressed for a more definitive answer and cayennely peppered him with questions.
“On a scale of 10 are you three? Five? Eight?”
“If you at your best is the penthouse, which floor would you get off at right now?”
“By pretty soon, do you mean within six days, two weeks, a month? And to be clear, is that soon, as in calendar time, or soon as in geologic time?”
“If you had to make a save on the other side of the net, would you get your toe on the shot, or miss it by six inches? Ten inches? If you said two feet you'd be kidding, right?
“Carey, say your picture of health is a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle of you crouched in the crease, how many pieces away are you from getting it done?”
Price kept shaking his head with his eyes cast skyward, growing more exasperated the longer the reporters tried to pin him down as to when he'll be back in net. He finally exploded when asked if his glass was half-full, two-thirds full, three-quarters full, four-fifths full, or a finger away from the brim.
“I think you guys are full of it, the entire lot,” he bellowed, as he swung out in anger trying to clear a path to the area of the dressing room off-limits to news media.
A team official said the upper body injury Price suffered in making his escape “will likely add another eight weeks to his recovery.”
Reporters reported their emails to Price are going unanswered.
(Nov. 19, 2015)
Montreal – Is Carey Price losing his cucumber cool? Fans are asking themselves, and others, that question after the Vezina Trophy winner showed a prickly pear side when being questioned about his lower body injury.
The star Montreal Canadiens goaltender hasn't played in two weeks but he has returned to skating.
“It's all about trying to get your timing back at this point,” Price said after practice.
When he made clear he won't be back in the lineup until he's 100 per cent healthy, reporters pressed him to say how close he was to reaching that goal, percentage-wise, which drew a lemony tart response from Price: “I don’t know about these questions, man. Can’t we just leave it at where it is? I said I’ll come back when I’m ready to play. I don’t know exactly when that will be, but it should be pretty soon.”
But reporters pressed for a more definitive answer and cayennely peppered him with questions.
“On a scale of 10 are you three? Five? Eight?”
“If you at your best is the penthouse, which floor would you get off at right now?”
“By pretty soon, do you mean within six days, two weeks, a month? And to be clear, is that soon, as in calendar time, or soon as in geologic time?”
“If you had to make a save on the other side of the net, would you get your toe on the shot, or miss it by six inches? Ten inches? If you said two feet you'd be kidding, right?
“Carey, say your picture of health is a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle of you crouched in the crease, how many pieces away are you from getting it done?”
Price kept shaking his head with his eyes cast skyward, growing more exasperated the longer the reporters tried to pin him down as to when he'll be back in net. He finally exploded when asked if his glass was half-full, two-thirds full, three-quarters full, four-fifths full, or a finger away from the brim.
“I think you guys are full of it, the entire lot,” he bellowed, as he swung out in anger trying to clear a path to the area of the dressing room off-limits to news media.
A team official said the upper body injury Price suffered in making his escape “will likely add another eight weeks to his recovery.”
Reporters reported their emails to Price are going unanswered.
Bettman gets his wish - parity runs riot
(May 18, 2015)
New York -- Parity was achieved today when the 2015-16 NHL season ended with no team winning the Stanley Cup.
The final concluded with neither the Minnesota Wild nor the Ottawa Senators managing a win in seven games (27 with overtime included), each of which had to be cut short due to local bylaws and widespread indifference.
Television ratings, which had been slipping since Christmas when TSN began showing taped surveillance footage of athletes arriving at airports and inviting fans to write voice-overs, sank to an all-time low for the championship series, drawing fewer viewers than when there were just six teams and only one in 20 households owned a TV.
Commissioner Gary Bettman shrugged off the dismal audience numbers as “an aberration” and declared the season “a huge success,” ignoring calls for his dismissal, even dismemberment in some quarters.
“I can count on my person in inches the number of records that were broken this year,” he intoned at a press conference surrounded by a phalanx of nervous security staff. “And everyone knows how much excitement is generated when records are broken.”
The 48 new marks included fewest shots in a period, game, week, and practice, and most single game shootout rounds, 39, on a Sunday, 51 on a Wednesday.
Bettman boasted the absence of a champion vindicated his scorched-earth policy to level the playing field so that no team's fans could ever feel despair at any point during the season that their favourite franchise hadn't a shot at staying even with every other team.
“None will go through the summer now thinking his team is greatly inferior to any other, which has to make for pleasanter holidays for the entire family,” he said. “I should think the people in Buffalo are dancing in the streets, knowing their team didn't miss out on a championship.”
The Sabres, although tied for first in the Eastern Conference with eight teams, finished last as a result of a complicated tie-breaking formula that has been challenged in the courts, particularly its Rock, Scissors, Paper component.
Several team representatives suffered bruises, wounds and paper cuts when it reached the final stage in determining the regular season standings.
Many critics blamed the league's failure to produce a champion on an unprecedented scoring drought – the last multiple goal game took place March 17 in a 2-1 Florida Panther win over the porous Edmonton Oilers -- while others cited a spike in bookings for polka marathons, hotdog eating contests, live Sudoku performances and the like, that have competed for space in arenas, reducing their availability for playoff hockey.
The rise of professional crokinole tournaments was seen as another blow to the NHL's ability to command prime time for its showcase matches.
The seventh game of the Stanley Cup final was played at 10:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning in the Canadian Tire Centre and was brought to an abrupt halt at 1 p.m when crews began arriving to set up for a wheelbarrow vendors show on the weekend.
The dearth of goals – Montreal Canadien netminder Carey Price won the Vezina Trophy with a .983 save percentage, .002 points better than Buffalo's Jhonas Enroth's – has sparked an exodus of snipers grown weary of fouls that aren't penalized and systems that stifle creativity.
Alexander Ovechkin, who won his third straight Rocket Richard Trophy, with 14 goals, is rumoured to be contemplating retirement, or playing in the East Coast Hockey League, where scoring was up a whopping 52 per cent, in part because the league added 18 Canadian teams.
(May 18, 2015)
New York -- Parity was achieved today when the 2015-16 NHL season ended with no team winning the Stanley Cup.
The final concluded with neither the Minnesota Wild nor the Ottawa Senators managing a win in seven games (27 with overtime included), each of which had to be cut short due to local bylaws and widespread indifference.
Television ratings, which had been slipping since Christmas when TSN began showing taped surveillance footage of athletes arriving at airports and inviting fans to write voice-overs, sank to an all-time low for the championship series, drawing fewer viewers than when there were just six teams and only one in 20 households owned a TV.
Commissioner Gary Bettman shrugged off the dismal audience numbers as “an aberration” and declared the season “a huge success,” ignoring calls for his dismissal, even dismemberment in some quarters.
“I can count on my person in inches the number of records that were broken this year,” he intoned at a press conference surrounded by a phalanx of nervous security staff. “And everyone knows how much excitement is generated when records are broken.”
The 48 new marks included fewest shots in a period, game, week, and practice, and most single game shootout rounds, 39, on a Sunday, 51 on a Wednesday.
Bettman boasted the absence of a champion vindicated his scorched-earth policy to level the playing field so that no team's fans could ever feel despair at any point during the season that their favourite franchise hadn't a shot at staying even with every other team.
“None will go through the summer now thinking his team is greatly inferior to any other, which has to make for pleasanter holidays for the entire family,” he said. “I should think the people in Buffalo are dancing in the streets, knowing their team didn't miss out on a championship.”
The Sabres, although tied for first in the Eastern Conference with eight teams, finished last as a result of a complicated tie-breaking formula that has been challenged in the courts, particularly its Rock, Scissors, Paper component.
Several team representatives suffered bruises, wounds and paper cuts when it reached the final stage in determining the regular season standings.
Many critics blamed the league's failure to produce a champion on an unprecedented scoring drought – the last multiple goal game took place March 17 in a 2-1 Florida Panther win over the porous Edmonton Oilers -- while others cited a spike in bookings for polka marathons, hotdog eating contests, live Sudoku performances and the like, that have competed for space in arenas, reducing their availability for playoff hockey.
The rise of professional crokinole tournaments was seen as another blow to the NHL's ability to command prime time for its showcase matches.
The seventh game of the Stanley Cup final was played at 10:30 a.m. on a Tuesday morning in the Canadian Tire Centre and was brought to an abrupt halt at 1 p.m when crews began arriving to set up for a wheelbarrow vendors show on the weekend.
The dearth of goals – Montreal Canadien netminder Carey Price won the Vezina Trophy with a .983 save percentage, .002 points better than Buffalo's Jhonas Enroth's – has sparked an exodus of snipers grown weary of fouls that aren't penalized and systems that stifle creativity.
Alexander Ovechkin, who won his third straight Rocket Richard Trophy, with 14 goals, is rumoured to be contemplating retirement, or playing in the East Coast Hockey League, where scoring was up a whopping 52 per cent, in part because the league added 18 Canadian teams.
Wait a minute! Another power play coach?
(August 15, 2015)
Montreal – Stealing a page from the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Montreal Canadiens have one-upped their arch-rivals by hiring one of their former snipers as a power-play coach.
Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin introduced Rick Vaive at a news conference today, saying the three-time 50-plus goal scorer from the 1980s will bring a wealth of experience to turning a man advantage “to actually our advantage.”
Assistant coach Dan Lacroix, who handled the role that's now been handed to Vaive, was released “to pursue non-hockey opportunities that will make the best use of his unrealized talents,” Bergevin said.
Montreal's power play has struggled the past two seasons, finishing 23rd in 2014-15, with a success rate of just 16.5 per cent. Hockey pundits said the team's failure to reap greater rewards from Tampa Bay's penalties contributed to Montreal not making it past the second round of the playoffs.
“If we hope to go further in the post-season, we need someone like Rick to re-Vaive our moribund power play,” Bergevin said, holding up a huge card underlining his pun for the benefit of reporters.
“In his long and distinguished career, he showed what he could do with the puck in the offensive zone and I have every confidence he will help our players develop that same magic touch.”
Vaive, the first Leaf to score 50 goals, played 13 seasons in the NHL, amassing 441 goals and 347 assists in 876 regular season games. Nearly a third of his goals – 143 – were scored on the power play, and over a three-year span while with the Leafs, he recorded the third highest goal total among all players, trailing only Mike Bossy and Wayne Gretzky.
“I'm pumped Marc offered me a chance to give back to the game that I love, in the best way I know how,” said an enthusiastic Vaive, who wore his emotions on his sleeve as a player.
He plans to bring that same fervour to his new job and have it rub off on those assigned to the power play.
Vaive's hiring comes a day after the Maple Leafs announced Jacques Lemaire, a key member of the Canadiens' championship dynasty in the 1970s, had been named special assignment coach.
“Well, we like to think naming Rick our power play coach is pretty special, too,” Bergevin said.
Lemaire also earned a ring as coach of a Stanley Cup champion, the New Jersey Devils, but the Hab GM pointed out that Vaive also has had success behind the bench at a professional level.
“He was the first coach in the East Coast Hockey League to win the coveted Brabham Cup and the even more coveted Kelly Cup in the same season,” Bergevin said emphatically, a not-so-subtle jab at Lemaire never having managed the feat.
“But leading a team to the Cup is good, too,” Vaive interjected.
Bergevin also noted that Vaive was named captain of the Leafs when he was just 22, while Lemaire “never wore the C at any age with the Canadiens.”
“He never had it stripped from him, either,” Vaive tersely added, revealing he's still bitter over being unceremoniously removed as Leaf captain.
But any Canadien thinking he'll be shown some leniency should he turn up late for a morning practice “better think again,” said Vaive, who did just that and it cost him.
Bergevin isn't concerned the three-time All-Star could develop overly defensive tendencies as a coach, the way Lemaire, another player with superior offensive skills, did after he became coach of the Devils.
“Nope, no qualms at all,” he said. “Rick is being asked to focus all his energy on making the power play more potent, that's all. Defence won't enter the picture when we have the man advantage and I've already told Michel (Therrien, the team's coach) that. It's attack, it's attack, and then attack more.”
Bergevin said Therrien was unavailable for comment, as the coach raised his arm from the back of the room.
(August 15, 2015)
Montreal – Stealing a page from the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Montreal Canadiens have one-upped their arch-rivals by hiring one of their former snipers as a power-play coach.
Canadiens GM Marc Bergevin introduced Rick Vaive at a news conference today, saying the three-time 50-plus goal scorer from the 1980s will bring a wealth of experience to turning a man advantage “to actually our advantage.”
Assistant coach Dan Lacroix, who handled the role that's now been handed to Vaive, was released “to pursue non-hockey opportunities that will make the best use of his unrealized talents,” Bergevin said.
Montreal's power play has struggled the past two seasons, finishing 23rd in 2014-15, with a success rate of just 16.5 per cent. Hockey pundits said the team's failure to reap greater rewards from Tampa Bay's penalties contributed to Montreal not making it past the second round of the playoffs.
“If we hope to go further in the post-season, we need someone like Rick to re-Vaive our moribund power play,” Bergevin said, holding up a huge card underlining his pun for the benefit of reporters.
“In his long and distinguished career, he showed what he could do with the puck in the offensive zone and I have every confidence he will help our players develop that same magic touch.”
Vaive, the first Leaf to score 50 goals, played 13 seasons in the NHL, amassing 441 goals and 347 assists in 876 regular season games. Nearly a third of his goals – 143 – were scored on the power play, and over a three-year span while with the Leafs, he recorded the third highest goal total among all players, trailing only Mike Bossy and Wayne Gretzky.
“I'm pumped Marc offered me a chance to give back to the game that I love, in the best way I know how,” said an enthusiastic Vaive, who wore his emotions on his sleeve as a player.
He plans to bring that same fervour to his new job and have it rub off on those assigned to the power play.
Vaive's hiring comes a day after the Maple Leafs announced Jacques Lemaire, a key member of the Canadiens' championship dynasty in the 1970s, had been named special assignment coach.
“Well, we like to think naming Rick our power play coach is pretty special, too,” Bergevin said.
Lemaire also earned a ring as coach of a Stanley Cup champion, the New Jersey Devils, but the Hab GM pointed out that Vaive also has had success behind the bench at a professional level.
“He was the first coach in the East Coast Hockey League to win the coveted Brabham Cup and the even more coveted Kelly Cup in the same season,” Bergevin said emphatically, a not-so-subtle jab at Lemaire never having managed the feat.
“But leading a team to the Cup is good, too,” Vaive interjected.
Bergevin also noted that Vaive was named captain of the Leafs when he was just 22, while Lemaire “never wore the C at any age with the Canadiens.”
“He never had it stripped from him, either,” Vaive tersely added, revealing he's still bitter over being unceremoniously removed as Leaf captain.
But any Canadien thinking he'll be shown some leniency should he turn up late for a morning practice “better think again,” said Vaive, who did just that and it cost him.
Bergevin isn't concerned the three-time All-Star could develop overly defensive tendencies as a coach, the way Lemaire, another player with superior offensive skills, did after he became coach of the Devils.
“Nope, no qualms at all,” he said. “Rick is being asked to focus all his energy on making the power play more potent, that's all. Defence won't enter the picture when we have the man advantage and I've already told Michel (Therrien, the team's coach) that. It's attack, it's attack, and then attack more.”
Bergevin said Therrien was unavailable for comment, as the coach raised his arm from the back of the room.
Don't laugh! New assistant coach is distaff
(August 2, 2015)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have joined the ranks of the San Antonio Spurs and the Sacramento Kings of the NBA and the Arizona Cardinals of the NFL in hiring a female coach – making it the first NHL team to break the league's gender barrier behind the bench.
Chantelle Lacey is replacing Dan Lacroix as an assistant coach. Lacroix has been “designated for assignment” with the St. John's IceCaps, Montreal's AHL farm team.
“It's a historic occasion,” GM Marc Bergevin told reporters, referring to Lacey's hiring, not Lacroix's departure.
“Chantelle has proved herself at every level, first as a girl playing road hockey with the boys, and then as a coach, working her way up from trainer of her sons' hockey teams to guiding them to Triple A championships two years in a row before they were 12. After that it was several titles at the high school and college levels. Chantelle indicated she was more than ready for a new challenge when I called her about joining the team.”
Lacey said she had dreamed of being a coach ever since she was a little girl and had Ken and Barbie practise faceoffs.
“I used to paint a couple of Barbie's teeth black to make it look like she was missing them,” Lacey chuckled. “And the play fights got pretty serious at times. Ken suffered a few upper body injuries, often requiring his head to be re-attached.”
She would also paint henna tattoos on her arms and face, fooling people into thinking the CH stood for her first name.
Bergevin said he knew “Lacey was right for the job when she didn't respond hysterically, by jumping up and down and screaming” when he offered her a position with the Canadiens – “not like some of the other coaches I've hired. ”
What impressed him most about Lacey and led him to make the call is her “creative genius when it comes to designing power plays. The puck movement is incredible. I wasn't reminded of table hockey once. A lot of times of tic-tac-toe, though. I've never seen a coach put X's and O's to better use.”
Lacey said she hasn't a system the team must follow when on the power play: “I simply make suggestions – and if the players don't follow them they're sent to their room. The dressing room. For a timeout.”
Her suggestions include not giving the puck up at any time “unless it's to make a pass or take a shot. Or to flip it in the air past the defenceman, not dump it in the corner. And they'd better get it back in a hurry, or it's more jobs in the job jar for them the next day.”
Coach Michel Therrien said he's looking forward to having a distaff member on staff.
“We all know women have an eye for detail -- 'You've got mustard on your shirt' 'You left the seat up again' 'Who made this call to 888-HOT-STUF?' -- so bringing Lacey on board will really help the players improve their game,” he said. “My Personal Development Program can only take them so far.”
The Canadiens' unprecedented step already has other teams making bold moves of their own. The Philadelphia Flyers are said to be shopping around for a goalie and the Edmonton Oilers have declared they will decline a guaranteed top three pick in the draft “to wean [themselves] off the lottery.”
(August 2, 2015)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens have joined the ranks of the San Antonio Spurs and the Sacramento Kings of the NBA and the Arizona Cardinals of the NFL in hiring a female coach – making it the first NHL team to break the league's gender barrier behind the bench.
Chantelle Lacey is replacing Dan Lacroix as an assistant coach. Lacroix has been “designated for assignment” with the St. John's IceCaps, Montreal's AHL farm team.
“It's a historic occasion,” GM Marc Bergevin told reporters, referring to Lacey's hiring, not Lacroix's departure.
“Chantelle has proved herself at every level, first as a girl playing road hockey with the boys, and then as a coach, working her way up from trainer of her sons' hockey teams to guiding them to Triple A championships two years in a row before they were 12. After that it was several titles at the high school and college levels. Chantelle indicated she was more than ready for a new challenge when I called her about joining the team.”
Lacey said she had dreamed of being a coach ever since she was a little girl and had Ken and Barbie practise faceoffs.
“I used to paint a couple of Barbie's teeth black to make it look like she was missing them,” Lacey chuckled. “And the play fights got pretty serious at times. Ken suffered a few upper body injuries, often requiring his head to be re-attached.”
She would also paint henna tattoos on her arms and face, fooling people into thinking the CH stood for her first name.
Bergevin said he knew “Lacey was right for the job when she didn't respond hysterically, by jumping up and down and screaming” when he offered her a position with the Canadiens – “not like some of the other coaches I've hired. ”
What impressed him most about Lacey and led him to make the call is her “creative genius when it comes to designing power plays. The puck movement is incredible. I wasn't reminded of table hockey once. A lot of times of tic-tac-toe, though. I've never seen a coach put X's and O's to better use.”
Lacey said she hasn't a system the team must follow when on the power play: “I simply make suggestions – and if the players don't follow them they're sent to their room. The dressing room. For a timeout.”
Her suggestions include not giving the puck up at any time “unless it's to make a pass or take a shot. Or to flip it in the air past the defenceman, not dump it in the corner. And they'd better get it back in a hurry, or it's more jobs in the job jar for them the next day.”
Coach Michel Therrien said he's looking forward to having a distaff member on staff.
“We all know women have an eye for detail -- 'You've got mustard on your shirt' 'You left the seat up again' 'Who made this call to 888-HOT-STUF?' -- so bringing Lacey on board will really help the players improve their game,” he said. “My Personal Development Program can only take them so far.”
The Canadiens' unprecedented step already has other teams making bold moves of their own. The Philadelphia Flyers are said to be shopping around for a goalie and the Edmonton Oilers have declared they will decline a guaranteed top three pick in the draft “to wean [themselves] off the lottery.”
NHL blazing new trail in sporting world
(July 14, 2015)
New York – The National Hockey League will use less water to make ice in its arenas next season, to show it's in the vanguard about conserving earth's most precious resource.
With severe droughts occurring around the world, in places such as California, the Caribbean and Australia, and predictions of a dire future globally, the NHL said it's being proactive in taking steps to reduce its consumption of water.
The first step will be to shrink the regulation three-quarter inch thick ice surface in arenas by 10 per cent over the next five years, said NHL senior director of facilities operations Dan Craig.
“This will allow players, especially the heavier ones, to adjust to the new conditions, which might leave some feeling vulnerable,” Craig said. “The goal is to have them learn how to skate on thin ice. The bonus is that it might serve them just as well off it.”
The league also plans to ban players spitting out water and Gatorade because of “the bad optics -- pampered millionaires wasting fluids while people around the world are dying of thirst,” said NHL director of officiousness Hal Gourmet.
“The watchword will be sip, not swill,” said Gourmet. “We will not tolerate wastrels.”
Teams are also being “strongly encouraged” to limit shower times and to replace the sinks in washrooms with stands of Handi Wipes. In fact, they're being asked to go one step further and have players use sweat-soaked towels to wash their hands and face.
“There is a certain yech factor involved that a normal person might find hard to ignore but it shouldn't be a problem with the players,” Gourmet said.
Jerseys, stockings and undergarments will no longer be laundered.
Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday the NHL has signed a 10-year deal with Febreeze. The exclusive contract drew howls of protests from other makers of fabric refreshers and do-it-yourselfers who said there are all kinds of instructions for homemade sprays on the Internet.
Players will be called upon to make a contribution to the NHL initiative even when injured, by donating water on their knees.
Gourmet said the NHL hopes what it's doing will set an example of conservation for other leagues and sports organizations, “like those gas-guzzling yahoos at NASCAR.”
For some team owners, adjusting to a life of “privation,” as one put it, could prove a burden but for Montreal Canadiens fans, the prospect of drinking less watered-down beer at the Bell Centre has them moistening their lips.
(July 14, 2015)
New York – The National Hockey League will use less water to make ice in its arenas next season, to show it's in the vanguard about conserving earth's most precious resource.
With severe droughts occurring around the world, in places such as California, the Caribbean and Australia, and predictions of a dire future globally, the NHL said it's being proactive in taking steps to reduce its consumption of water.
The first step will be to shrink the regulation three-quarter inch thick ice surface in arenas by 10 per cent over the next five years, said NHL senior director of facilities operations Dan Craig.
“This will allow players, especially the heavier ones, to adjust to the new conditions, which might leave some feeling vulnerable,” Craig said. “The goal is to have them learn how to skate on thin ice. The bonus is that it might serve them just as well off it.”
The league also plans to ban players spitting out water and Gatorade because of “the bad optics -- pampered millionaires wasting fluids while people around the world are dying of thirst,” said NHL director of officiousness Hal Gourmet.
“The watchword will be sip, not swill,” said Gourmet. “We will not tolerate wastrels.”
Teams are also being “strongly encouraged” to limit shower times and to replace the sinks in washrooms with stands of Handi Wipes. In fact, they're being asked to go one step further and have players use sweat-soaked towels to wash their hands and face.
“There is a certain yech factor involved that a normal person might find hard to ignore but it shouldn't be a problem with the players,” Gourmet said.
Jerseys, stockings and undergarments will no longer be laundered.
Commissioner Gary Bettman announced yesterday the NHL has signed a 10-year deal with Febreeze. The exclusive contract drew howls of protests from other makers of fabric refreshers and do-it-yourselfers who said there are all kinds of instructions for homemade sprays on the Internet.
Players will be called upon to make a contribution to the NHL initiative even when injured, by donating water on their knees.
Gourmet said the NHL hopes what it's doing will set an example of conservation for other leagues and sports organizations, “like those gas-guzzling yahoos at NASCAR.”
For some team owners, adjusting to a life of “privation,” as one put it, could prove a burden but for Montreal Canadiens fans, the prospect of drinking less watered-down beer at the Bell Centre has them moistening their lips.
That li'l devil Desharnais!
(June 30, 2015)
Montreal – There are unconfirmed reports that Montreal Canadiens are about to release David Desharnais because he breached his contract in a series of “incidents.”
Desharnais has been a model player with a spotless reputation during his five seasons with the team so news of his imminent dismissal comes as quite a shock.
Neither he nor general manager Marc Bergevin could be reached for comment, creating a void that sports columnists, bloggers and fan websites have sought to fill with a frenzy of furious conjecture.
The consensus among the best ill-informed is that the diminutive centre violated the terms of his contract by rarely shooting, an act of rank insubordination on a team that has trouble scoring.
He is also being portrayed as an impediment to the development of younger players by insisting that he be the pivot on the team's number one line. Rumours have emerged that during a closed-door meeting involving a great deal of shouting Desharnais could be heard threatening coach Michel Therrien with bodily harm if he didn't move him back to centre from the wing.
Therrien reluctantly complied as well as guaranteed to keep using the veteran on the first wave of the power play, even as its effectiveness continued to sink.
Off-ice issues have also now come to light, with tales of Desharnais leaving 9 per cent tips, wearing blue suits and brown shoes, ordering pepperoni and pineapple pizza, playing Broadway tunes in the dressing room, drinking Labatt Blue, and growing a beard after the playoffs.
There's more, but municipal officials responsible for collecting fines for littering and parking violations refused to answer questions, even those that were asked politely.
It's also said Desharnais hasn't called his family in weeks.
All this is speculation for the nonce but the fact that it's now become public has only made worse what has been a terrible week for Desharnais.
Yesterday, a stone gargoyle narrowly missed him when it crashed to the ground as he was leaving a convenience store.
Last night his car slammed into a street light when the steering wheel came off in his hands.
And just hours ago, he suffered a badly bruised knee when struck by a runaway bowling ball in a mall.
A police spokesman said Desharnais, who earns $3.5 million a year on a contract that runs until 2017, immediately took a cab to the nearest airport.
(June 30, 2015)
Montreal – There are unconfirmed reports that Montreal Canadiens are about to release David Desharnais because he breached his contract in a series of “incidents.”
Desharnais has been a model player with a spotless reputation during his five seasons with the team so news of his imminent dismissal comes as quite a shock.
Neither he nor general manager Marc Bergevin could be reached for comment, creating a void that sports columnists, bloggers and fan websites have sought to fill with a frenzy of furious conjecture.
The consensus among the best ill-informed is that the diminutive centre violated the terms of his contract by rarely shooting, an act of rank insubordination on a team that has trouble scoring.
He is also being portrayed as an impediment to the development of younger players by insisting that he be the pivot on the team's number one line. Rumours have emerged that during a closed-door meeting involving a great deal of shouting Desharnais could be heard threatening coach Michel Therrien with bodily harm if he didn't move him back to centre from the wing.
Therrien reluctantly complied as well as guaranteed to keep using the veteran on the first wave of the power play, even as its effectiveness continued to sink.
Off-ice issues have also now come to light, with tales of Desharnais leaving 9 per cent tips, wearing blue suits and brown shoes, ordering pepperoni and pineapple pizza, playing Broadway tunes in the dressing room, drinking Labatt Blue, and growing a beard after the playoffs.
There's more, but municipal officials responsible for collecting fines for littering and parking violations refused to answer questions, even those that were asked politely.
It's also said Desharnais hasn't called his family in weeks.
All this is speculation for the nonce but the fact that it's now become public has only made worse what has been a terrible week for Desharnais.
Yesterday, a stone gargoyle narrowly missed him when it crashed to the ground as he was leaving a convenience store.
Last night his car slammed into a street light when the steering wheel came off in his hands.
And just hours ago, he suffered a badly bruised knee when struck by a runaway bowling ball in a mall.
A police spokesman said Desharnais, who earns $3.5 million a year on a contract that runs until 2017, immediately took a cab to the nearest airport.
'Take a hike, Nellies': Bettman
(June 5, 2015)
New York – NHL commissioner Gary Bettman threw down the gauntlet today, telling critics if they don’t like the way the league is run to follow another sport.
“I’ve had it up to here with those whiners who complain incessantly about the National Hockey League,” Bettman said in an unusually blunt state of the union address. “If the league is as lousy as they say it is, would NBC have signed a 10-year deal to pay us $200 million annually to broadcast the games in the U.S.? Would Rogers have ponied up $5.2 billion over 12 years for the same exclusive rights in Canada?
“The price they set on our product pretty much tells you there’s little reason to change a winning formula. We may not be perfect but we’re closer to it than those bellyachers will ever be.”
Citing Enron and Lehman Brothers, among others, Bettman said “it’s not unusual” for hugely successful enterprises to be buffeted by criticism despite generating billions in wealth.
The “negative nellies,” however, prefer to dwell on “ancillary issues” — inept officiating, concussions, poor attendance figures in certain cities, unimaginative coaching, boring play, weaponized equipment – “and other trifling concerns.”
The critics “say they’re fans but does attending games, paying to watch them on satellite and cable, and buying souvenirs give them the right to demand reform?” Bettman said, shaking his head.
“If they’re so unhappy with our brand of hockey, start following another sport, like football or basketball. Or launch their own league.”
The commissioner dismissed the notion that fans who grew up loving hockey shouldn’t be forced to abandon their passion because the game is losing its lustre at the hands of those who make money off it.
Or that it’s because they love the game so much that they want to see improvements — which is why they have the audacity “to speak above their station,” as one fan put it.
“Look, they can come up with line combinations or make their little trades” — Bettman waggled his fingers — “I won’t begrudge them that but have they ever been to an owners meeting, made a payroll, signed a free agent, or dealt with the media? I bet most of them do their own tax return.
“None of them could run a franchise, if their life depended on it, they would be out of their league. And I’d like to see them out of ours, bothering owners in some other sport. We got better things to do, like figuring out escrow.”
Bettman’s defiant speech ignited a twitterstorm of outrage among the lower classes, the people who sit in the greys, and the anger spilled over onto websites and blogs.
“Sure, we don’t have anywhere near the capital sunk into hockey that the owners do, but I’d wager our emotional investment far surpasses theirs,” said one contributor. “But that doesn’t pay the bills, does it?”
There was talk of following Bettman’s advice and switching allegiance to other sports but much of it was half-hearted, and almost all of it originated in Canada (which probably explains why the Canadian Football League was put forward often as an alternative).
Earlier this week a pair of university professors wrote it was time Canadians quit being wimps and engage in “some tough talking to the NHL” and start pushing “our substantial weight around off the ice for a change, supported by some real fan activism.”
Bettman, stifling a yawn, declined to comment.
(June 5, 2015)
New York – NHL commissioner Gary Bettman threw down the gauntlet today, telling critics if they don’t like the way the league is run to follow another sport.
“I’ve had it up to here with those whiners who complain incessantly about the National Hockey League,” Bettman said in an unusually blunt state of the union address. “If the league is as lousy as they say it is, would NBC have signed a 10-year deal to pay us $200 million annually to broadcast the games in the U.S.? Would Rogers have ponied up $5.2 billion over 12 years for the same exclusive rights in Canada?
“The price they set on our product pretty much tells you there’s little reason to change a winning formula. We may not be perfect but we’re closer to it than those bellyachers will ever be.”
Citing Enron and Lehman Brothers, among others, Bettman said “it’s not unusual” for hugely successful enterprises to be buffeted by criticism despite generating billions in wealth.
The “negative nellies,” however, prefer to dwell on “ancillary issues” — inept officiating, concussions, poor attendance figures in certain cities, unimaginative coaching, boring play, weaponized equipment – “and other trifling concerns.”
The critics “say they’re fans but does attending games, paying to watch them on satellite and cable, and buying souvenirs give them the right to demand reform?” Bettman said, shaking his head.
“If they’re so unhappy with our brand of hockey, start following another sport, like football or basketball. Or launch their own league.”
The commissioner dismissed the notion that fans who grew up loving hockey shouldn’t be forced to abandon their passion because the game is losing its lustre at the hands of those who make money off it.
Or that it’s because they love the game so much that they want to see improvements — which is why they have the audacity “to speak above their station,” as one fan put it.
“Look, they can come up with line combinations or make their little trades” — Bettman waggled his fingers — “I won’t begrudge them that but have they ever been to an owners meeting, made a payroll, signed a free agent, or dealt with the media? I bet most of them do their own tax return.
“None of them could run a franchise, if their life depended on it, they would be out of their league. And I’d like to see them out of ours, bothering owners in some other sport. We got better things to do, like figuring out escrow.”
Bettman’s defiant speech ignited a twitterstorm of outrage among the lower classes, the people who sit in the greys, and the anger spilled over onto websites and blogs.
“Sure, we don’t have anywhere near the capital sunk into hockey that the owners do, but I’d wager our emotional investment far surpasses theirs,” said one contributor. “But that doesn’t pay the bills, does it?”
There was talk of following Bettman’s advice and switching allegiance to other sports but much of it was half-hearted, and almost all of it originated in Canada (which probably explains why the Canadian Football League was put forward often as an alternative).
Earlier this week a pair of university professors wrote it was time Canadians quit being wimps and engage in “some tough talking to the NHL” and start pushing “our substantial weight around off the ice for a change, supported by some real fan activism.”
Bettman, stifling a yawn, declined to comment.
Union files grievance over Therrien's conduct
(May 9, 2015)
Montreal – The NHL Players' Association has filed a grievance against Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien for “verbal abuse” of one of its members, causing him “emotional distress,” union head Don Fehr said today.
“Everybody saw what happened, Therrien ripping Lars Eller on national TV for a minor miscue – in fact, Eller didn't even get a minor, so what was his problem?” Fehr wanted to know. “Lars played well after that, as he has throughout the series, but you could tell he wasn't happy. The public humiliation couldn't have happened at a worst time as the medication for his melancholy was starting to have an effect.”
The incident occurred in the first period of Montreal's 6-2 thumping of Tampa Bay Thursday that cut Lightning's lead in the series to 3-1. An animated Therrien was seen addressing Eller furiously after the centre, observers say, kicked Lightning goaltender Ben Bishop's fallen hockey stick out of his reach.
“Eller showed concern for his fellow players by trying to clear away a safety hazard and does he get so much as a thank you from his coach? No, he gets berated, in front of thousands of people,” Fehr said. “It's very unfair and cause for redress. Athletes are finely tuned individuals whose feelings are easily hurt. Remember when Chris Pronger broke down in tears after one of the assistant coaches told him to quit acting like a wuss over a stain on his jersey? Or the time the Brett Hull got a tongue-lashing from his trainer for not standing still during the national anthem?”
The players' association filed grievances in both cases and won, wringing significant concessions for the players from their teams, such as Hull not having to back check.
Fehr said more grievances concerning Therrien's conduct are likely to come, after union officials review for a second time recordings of the Canadiens' playoff matches.
“So far we've seen Therrien giving Galchenyuk a wedgie, putting a wet finger in Emelin's ear, pulling a thread on Plekanec's turtleneck, and giving Markov the hint of a sneer, cutting the stoic Russian to the quick. And sources tell us he tried to give Malhotra a two-finger eye-poke in practice some time ago for not dumping the puck in the corner. Good thing Manny was wearing a visor. But he hasn't been dressed for a game since.”
Therrien laughed when asked about the union's action and Fehr's comments.
“Those union guys, what a hoot!” he said. “My players aren't soff. They can take what I throw them. Subban didn't even flinch when I fired a puck at him during a commercial break. He just chuckled. And Pacioretty, he kept on grinning when I gave his head a shake. And did Parenteau say anything when I called his second cousin a -- Hey, should I be telling you this? That's it, interview over.”
No Canadien was willing to talk about the incidents, citing player-coach confidentiality.
Subban did say hockey players are a tough breed with thick skins, which is why he had no problem saying Bishop has played well but has also been lucky, and that his being pulled was “a confidence booster” for the Canadiens.
“Bishop's a big boy, he can handle it,” Subban said. “I'm pretty sure the email he sent saying 'What the hell???' was all in good fun. Even if it didn't have a smiley face.”
(May 9, 2015)
Montreal – The NHL Players' Association has filed a grievance against Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien for “verbal abuse” of one of its members, causing him “emotional distress,” union head Don Fehr said today.
“Everybody saw what happened, Therrien ripping Lars Eller on national TV for a minor miscue – in fact, Eller didn't even get a minor, so what was his problem?” Fehr wanted to know. “Lars played well after that, as he has throughout the series, but you could tell he wasn't happy. The public humiliation couldn't have happened at a worst time as the medication for his melancholy was starting to have an effect.”
The incident occurred in the first period of Montreal's 6-2 thumping of Tampa Bay Thursday that cut Lightning's lead in the series to 3-1. An animated Therrien was seen addressing Eller furiously after the centre, observers say, kicked Lightning goaltender Ben Bishop's fallen hockey stick out of his reach.
“Eller showed concern for his fellow players by trying to clear away a safety hazard and does he get so much as a thank you from his coach? No, he gets berated, in front of thousands of people,” Fehr said. “It's very unfair and cause for redress. Athletes are finely tuned individuals whose feelings are easily hurt. Remember when Chris Pronger broke down in tears after one of the assistant coaches told him to quit acting like a wuss over a stain on his jersey? Or the time the Brett Hull got a tongue-lashing from his trainer for not standing still during the national anthem?”
The players' association filed grievances in both cases and won, wringing significant concessions for the players from their teams, such as Hull not having to back check.
Fehr said more grievances concerning Therrien's conduct are likely to come, after union officials review for a second time recordings of the Canadiens' playoff matches.
“So far we've seen Therrien giving Galchenyuk a wedgie, putting a wet finger in Emelin's ear, pulling a thread on Plekanec's turtleneck, and giving Markov the hint of a sneer, cutting the stoic Russian to the quick. And sources tell us he tried to give Malhotra a two-finger eye-poke in practice some time ago for not dumping the puck in the corner. Good thing Manny was wearing a visor. But he hasn't been dressed for a game since.”
Therrien laughed when asked about the union's action and Fehr's comments.
“Those union guys, what a hoot!” he said. “My players aren't soff. They can take what I throw them. Subban didn't even flinch when I fired a puck at him during a commercial break. He just chuckled. And Pacioretty, he kept on grinning when I gave his head a shake. And did Parenteau say anything when I called his second cousin a -- Hey, should I be telling you this? That's it, interview over.”
No Canadien was willing to talk about the incidents, citing player-coach confidentiality.
Subban did say hockey players are a tough breed with thick skins, which is why he had no problem saying Bishop has played well but has also been lucky, and that his being pulled was “a confidence booster” for the Canadiens.
“Bishop's a big boy, he can handle it,” Subban said. “I'm pretty sure the email he sent saying 'What the hell???' was all in good fun. Even if it didn't have a smiley face.”
From making love to making plays
(April 26, 2015)
MONTREAL – In a move many are saying smacks of desperation to jump start a feeble offence, the Montreal Canadiens are looking abroad for inspiration: India.
You read that right, India, the hockey hotbed that gave birth to the classic textbook on sex, the Kama Sutra.
What does one have to do with the other? Simple, really, it's all about results re: productivity.
Hab scorers aren't producing, but Indian folks sure are, at the rate of 25 million or so little ones each year, making it the second most populous country on earth, with 1.2 billion people.
Clearly, the Kama Sutra has something to do with it. Success breeds success.
That's apparently the thinking of the Canadiens' brain trust but none of them, including general manager Marc Bergevin, is willing to go on record with how the team plans to apply lessons on sexual congress to goosing a limp offence.
Except an anonymous source who slyly referred to himself as 'Guy Libido'.
“Actually, this has been in the works for a while, when it became obvious the team had trouble putting the puck in the net,” he said. “Our power play is completely impotent. As good a coach as (Michel) Therrien is, we knew he wasn't going to come up with a solution. His answer to everything is (David) Desharnais.”
So a group of experts knowledgeable in hockey and Hindu – a surprisingly large resource base – was secretly assembled to study the teachings of the ancient Indian text.
“The team wanted them to draw inspiration from the Kama Sutra's creative use of commingling humans.
“It's not that different from making lines, although in hockey's case, it involves only two positions – forward and defence,” Libido said. “The Habs were particularly interested in learning from the KS what could be done to improve their five-on-four.”
Libido said the experts have come up with a diverse mix of attacks that Therrien can call upon rather than continue to use the dump-and-chase approach he religiously favours.
"The Kama Sutra's about love making, the Habs' guide is about play making, it's all connected, really," Libido said.
“You think hockey fans have a endless supply of line combinations, wait till you see the plays the team has in store for tonight's game.”
Plays such Yawning Net, Poke the Tiger, Curry Favour, and, sure to be a Hab fan favourite, Grab a Gryba in the Groin and Make Him Groan.
The Canadiens have been practising the new offence in secret over the past week, Libido said. “They were thrilled with trying something completely new, although Mike Weaver didn't like playing the part -- a very particular part -- of (Eric) Gryba.”
He admitted the Canadiens are taking a great gamble to overhaul their offence in the first round of the playoffs and while holding a 3-2 series lead over the Ottawa Senators.
“If it works, fantastic,” Libido said. “And if it doesn't, well, we'll still get screwed. It just won't be as much fun.”
(April 26, 2015)
MONTREAL – In a move many are saying smacks of desperation to jump start a feeble offence, the Montreal Canadiens are looking abroad for inspiration: India.
You read that right, India, the hockey hotbed that gave birth to the classic textbook on sex, the Kama Sutra.
What does one have to do with the other? Simple, really, it's all about results re: productivity.
Hab scorers aren't producing, but Indian folks sure are, at the rate of 25 million or so little ones each year, making it the second most populous country on earth, with 1.2 billion people.
Clearly, the Kama Sutra has something to do with it. Success breeds success.
That's apparently the thinking of the Canadiens' brain trust but none of them, including general manager Marc Bergevin, is willing to go on record with how the team plans to apply lessons on sexual congress to goosing a limp offence.
Except an anonymous source who slyly referred to himself as 'Guy Libido'.
“Actually, this has been in the works for a while, when it became obvious the team had trouble putting the puck in the net,” he said. “Our power play is completely impotent. As good a coach as (Michel) Therrien is, we knew he wasn't going to come up with a solution. His answer to everything is (David) Desharnais.”
So a group of experts knowledgeable in hockey and Hindu – a surprisingly large resource base – was secretly assembled to study the teachings of the ancient Indian text.
“The team wanted them to draw inspiration from the Kama Sutra's creative use of commingling humans.
“It's not that different from making lines, although in hockey's case, it involves only two positions – forward and defence,” Libido said. “The Habs were particularly interested in learning from the KS what could be done to improve their five-on-four.”
Libido said the experts have come up with a diverse mix of attacks that Therrien can call upon rather than continue to use the dump-and-chase approach he religiously favours.
"The Kama Sutra's about love making, the Habs' guide is about play making, it's all connected, really," Libido said.
“You think hockey fans have a endless supply of line combinations, wait till you see the plays the team has in store for tonight's game.”
Plays such Yawning Net, Poke the Tiger, Curry Favour, and, sure to be a Hab fan favourite, Grab a Gryba in the Groin and Make Him Groan.
The Canadiens have been practising the new offence in secret over the past week, Libido said. “They were thrilled with trying something completely new, although Mike Weaver didn't like playing the part -- a very particular part -- of (Eric) Gryba.”
He admitted the Canadiens are taking a great gamble to overhaul their offence in the first round of the playoffs and while holding a 3-2 series lead over the Ottawa Senators.
“If it works, fantastic,” Libido said. “And if it doesn't, well, we'll still get screwed. It just won't be as much fun.”
Where oh where has Scoring gone to?
(March 11, 2015)
Montreal – The search continues for a prominent member of the community who has been missing for more than three weeks.
Montreal Police Service said today Habs Scoring “all but disappeared” on a recent business trip to California and Arizona. Numerous sightings suggested Scoring returned home last weekend but he failed to show up for an important meeting last night, reviving widespread concern he might have been the victim of foul play, police said.
Others have suggested “a terrible power play” has done him in.
Scoring, who goes by the nickname Low, is of mixed race and height. He is described as puny and inoffensive, although given to an occasional outburst.
Rumours have run rampant that Scoring has fallen under the influence of a “malevolent individual” which has greatly reduced his ability to move about freely. Some have even said he's been “hamstrung,” fueling concern further crippling blows could follow if he's not found soon.
Police questioned the individual said to exercise undue control over Scoring but determined he “hadn't a clue” as to his whereabouts.
“He got quite defensive,” said one officer involved in the investigation.
Police are asking for the public's help in locating Scoring. Numerous tips have come forward in columns, radio shows and fan websites, and the file has become massive.
“For a guy who's innocuous, he sure attracts a lot of attention,” said the officer who asked that his name not be used because “the papers always get it wrong.”
The officer said the tips “haven't led to anything productive but they make for great reading.”
(March 11, 2015)
Montreal – The search continues for a prominent member of the community who has been missing for more than three weeks.
Montreal Police Service said today Habs Scoring “all but disappeared” on a recent business trip to California and Arizona. Numerous sightings suggested Scoring returned home last weekend but he failed to show up for an important meeting last night, reviving widespread concern he might have been the victim of foul play, police said.
Others have suggested “a terrible power play” has done him in.
Scoring, who goes by the nickname Low, is of mixed race and height. He is described as puny and inoffensive, although given to an occasional outburst.
Rumours have run rampant that Scoring has fallen under the influence of a “malevolent individual” which has greatly reduced his ability to move about freely. Some have even said he's been “hamstrung,” fueling concern further crippling blows could follow if he's not found soon.
Police questioned the individual said to exercise undue control over Scoring but determined he “hadn't a clue” as to his whereabouts.
“He got quite defensive,” said one officer involved in the investigation.
Police are asking for the public's help in locating Scoring. Numerous tips have come forward in columns, radio shows and fan websites, and the file has become massive.
“For a guy who's innocuous, he sure attracts a lot of attention,” said the officer who asked that his name not be used because “the papers always get it wrong.”
The officer said the tips “haven't led to anything productive but they make for great reading.”
Therrien and fans play head games
(Feb. 18, 2015)
Montreal – Maligned and misunderstood, Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien is hoping to win over his critics by inviting them to join him at work – literally and virtually.
For the past two days and continuing until tomorrow Therrien has been wearing a "coach cam" that allows subscribers to watch his every move, apart from bathroom and lunch breaks.
All the money earned through subscription fees paid by his “fellow bench bosses” -- $17 million so far – will be donated to various charities in Montreal and area.
“There's a great deal of misunderstanding out there about how Michel goes about doing his job that I suggested he let fans see what he goes through on a typical work day,” general manager Marc Bergevin said. “He was reluctant at first – he was afraid what he'd look like wearing a camera attached to his scalp – but I convinced him it would be good for the team if people saw firsthand what it means to be a coach in the NHL, instead of reading ninth-party accounts of what supposedly went on in the dressing room, or critiques of how he's ruining the Canadiens.”
Therrien told reporters he prefers the way CH24 gives a behind-the-scenes glimpse into his working world because it is edited but he recognizes “reality sells these days and the Canadiens are in the entertainment business, although some fans might argue that point. Because of me, of course.”
Therrien said his job is to win, not worry about playing boring hockey, “as long as it's successful.”
The unprecedented access to an National Hockey League coach's unguarded moments with players and colleagues has already produced several eye-opening moments for subscribers, who signed a confidentiality agreement to keep secret what they witnessed. One, however, posted a few clips just hours ago that have since been removed from a weblog, and its owner is now facing legal action, and the recriminations of his fellow fans for having beaten them to the punch.
They showed Therrien breaking up a fight between David Desharnais and Dale Weise, telling an agitated Andre Markov “to calm down,” laughing uproariously over a joke told by a deadpan Tomas Plekanec, slapping awake a slumbering Carey Price during a first intermission, giving Lars Eller's shoulders a squeeze on the bench while whispering in his ear, handing Jacob DeLaRose a rose after practice “just because,” checking in the mirror to see if Brandon Prust had put another Kick Me sign on his back, having his hair tussled by PK Subban, consoling a sobbing Tom Gilbert distraught over media criticism, helping Brendan Gallagher with a crossword puzzle, discussing the Ukraine situation with Alexei Yemelin and the Ontario situation with Mike Weaver, and planning pre-game strategy on the road with assistant coaches Clement Jodoin, Jean-Jacques Daigneault and Daniel Lacroix, and head equipment manager Pierre Gervais, who said he brought the home jerseys by mistake.
Fans who missed out on getting attached to the coach will still have an opportunity to make a connection with Therrien, and donate to charities. His footwear is being rented out so they can "walk a mile in his shoes."
The impact of allowing fans to be on top of Therrien's head, if not quite in it, has been immediate and spectacular. Criticism of his coaching moves has declined by 23 to 37 per cent, say several Internet monitoring services, and fans' online line combinations have all but disappeared.
Demand has soared, however, that Bergevin be the next to wear a head cam before the trade deadline.
(Feb. 18, 2015)
Montreal – Maligned and misunderstood, Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien is hoping to win over his critics by inviting them to join him at work – literally and virtually.
For the past two days and continuing until tomorrow Therrien has been wearing a "coach cam" that allows subscribers to watch his every move, apart from bathroom and lunch breaks.
All the money earned through subscription fees paid by his “fellow bench bosses” -- $17 million so far – will be donated to various charities in Montreal and area.
“There's a great deal of misunderstanding out there about how Michel goes about doing his job that I suggested he let fans see what he goes through on a typical work day,” general manager Marc Bergevin said. “He was reluctant at first – he was afraid what he'd look like wearing a camera attached to his scalp – but I convinced him it would be good for the team if people saw firsthand what it means to be a coach in the NHL, instead of reading ninth-party accounts of what supposedly went on in the dressing room, or critiques of how he's ruining the Canadiens.”
Therrien told reporters he prefers the way CH24 gives a behind-the-scenes glimpse into his working world because it is edited but he recognizes “reality sells these days and the Canadiens are in the entertainment business, although some fans might argue that point. Because of me, of course.”
Therrien said his job is to win, not worry about playing boring hockey, “as long as it's successful.”
The unprecedented access to an National Hockey League coach's unguarded moments with players and colleagues has already produced several eye-opening moments for subscribers, who signed a confidentiality agreement to keep secret what they witnessed. One, however, posted a few clips just hours ago that have since been removed from a weblog, and its owner is now facing legal action, and the recriminations of his fellow fans for having beaten them to the punch.
They showed Therrien breaking up a fight between David Desharnais and Dale Weise, telling an agitated Andre Markov “to calm down,” laughing uproariously over a joke told by a deadpan Tomas Plekanec, slapping awake a slumbering Carey Price during a first intermission, giving Lars Eller's shoulders a squeeze on the bench while whispering in his ear, handing Jacob DeLaRose a rose after practice “just because,” checking in the mirror to see if Brandon Prust had put another Kick Me sign on his back, having his hair tussled by PK Subban, consoling a sobbing Tom Gilbert distraught over media criticism, helping Brendan Gallagher with a crossword puzzle, discussing the Ukraine situation with Alexei Yemelin and the Ontario situation with Mike Weaver, and planning pre-game strategy on the road with assistant coaches Clement Jodoin, Jean-Jacques Daigneault and Daniel Lacroix, and head equipment manager Pierre Gervais, who said he brought the home jerseys by mistake.
Fans who missed out on getting attached to the coach will still have an opportunity to make a connection with Therrien, and donate to charities. His footwear is being rented out so they can "walk a mile in his shoes."
The impact of allowing fans to be on top of Therrien's head, if not quite in it, has been immediate and spectacular. Criticism of his coaching moves has declined by 23 to 37 per cent, say several Internet monitoring services, and fans' online line combinations have all but disappeared.
Demand has soared, however, that Bergevin be the next to wear a head cam before the trade deadline.
Detailed and eyewitless accounts of mugging
(May 27,2011)
NEW YORK – Police are looking for a mugger who roughed up a senior citizen and stole his wallet and walker before fleeing down Second Street last night. Three men witnessed the assault and gave police a detailed account of what happened.
“The guy slapped him three times with his left hand and then shoved him to the ground as he pulled out the victim’s wallet. He was six-foot-two, white, with dark, shoulder-length hair, and wearing a Mets cap and leather jacket and blue jeans with holes in the knees,” said one of the witnesses at the scene.
“Yeah, that’s right, and he had a scar on his right cheek, a ring in his left ear, and a tattoo of Albania on his neck,” said the second man.
Both men, who declined to give their names, said the assailant ran with a limp until he was able to figure out how to use the walker. They also said he spoke with a heavy Orkney accent.
The third witness couldn’t confirm the description provided by the other two, saying he was horrified to see the little old man drop a gum wrapper, in violation of the city’s anti-littering ordinance, which he drew to the attention of the police.
“It was Dubble Bubble. Unfortunately, the wind blew it away before I could seize it for evidence,” said the man, who wouldn’t identify himself, saying NHL referees have no interest in seeing their names in the newspaper.
(May 27,2011)
NEW YORK – Police are looking for a mugger who roughed up a senior citizen and stole his wallet and walker before fleeing down Second Street last night. Three men witnessed the assault and gave police a detailed account of what happened.
“The guy slapped him three times with his left hand and then shoved him to the ground as he pulled out the victim’s wallet. He was six-foot-two, white, with dark, shoulder-length hair, and wearing a Mets cap and leather jacket and blue jeans with holes in the knees,” said one of the witnesses at the scene.
“Yeah, that’s right, and he had a scar on his right cheek, a ring in his left ear, and a tattoo of Albania on his neck,” said the second man.
Both men, who declined to give their names, said the assailant ran with a limp until he was able to figure out how to use the walker. They also said he spoke with a heavy Orkney accent.
The third witness couldn’t confirm the description provided by the other two, saying he was horrified to see the little old man drop a gum wrapper, in violation of the city’s anti-littering ordinance, which he drew to the attention of the police.
“It was Dubble Bubble. Unfortunately, the wind blew it away before I could seize it for evidence,” said the man, who wouldn’t identify himself, saying NHL referees have no interest in seeing their names in the newspaper.
Veteran Markov undone by scrum
(Oct. 24, 2014)
Montreal – Despite an impressive 6-1 record, the Montreal Canadiens are experiencing some turbulence in the dressing room: Andrei Markov is no longer an alternate captain.
The 13-year veteran offered no explanation when he asked general manager Marc Bergevin to be stripped of the title but all signs point to a disastrous interview Markov gave after the team's 2-1 overtime win over the Detroit Red Wings Tuesday.
Here's a partial transcript of his 57-minute scrum with reporters:
Reporter No. 1: What can you tell us about your partner and how things are evolving with the chemistry?
Markov: Ahhh [as if wounded]
Reporter No. 2: Do you think adding [Tom] Gilbert to a trade proposal would help the team land [Nail] Yakupov from the [Edmonton] Oilers?
Markov: hhhhhhh [winces]
Reporter No. 3: But does the team really want Yakupov given his character?
Markov: hhhhhhh [puffs his cheeks, squints]
Reporter No. 4: Character is already an issue with one of Montreal's younger players, Nathan Beaulieu, isn't it, so can it afford to take on another basket case?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhhh [exhales, bows head]
Reporter No. 5: The team wouldn't be having this problem, though, would it, Andrei, if it hadn't traded away [Ryan] McDonagh, right?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhh [hunches over, sweat pours off his forehead]
Reporter No. 6: If you had to compare the two, who would you say is the better defenceman, McDonagh or [PK] Subban?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhh [puts his hands on his knees, begins taking deep breaths]
Reporter No. 7: Does it bother you that you're getting paid way less than Subban when you've clearly been the better player this season?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhhhhh [shoulders start heaving]
Reporter No. 8: Aren't you the tiniest bit worried that the coach is playing you way too much and you won't have much energy by the end of the season?
Markov: hhhhhhhhh [drops to his hands and knees]
Reporter No. 5: Isn't it also
Reporters 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8: Hey, you already asked a question! Give No. 9 a chance.
Reporter No. 9: Thanks, guys. Andrei, do you use fabric softener or dryer sheets?
Reporters 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8: Sorry, No. 5!
Reporter No. 10: Some people are finding those spots Jay Baruchel has done with the players more than a little creepy, where he watches [Cary] Price sleep and puts on his underwear, and goes into the shower with [Brendan] Gallagher. How upset were you when you found out the prostate exam he gave you wearing a medical mask wasn't part of the commercials?
Markov: hhhhhhhh [collapses face first on the floor, begins twitching]
Sources say Markov met with Bergevin later that night and announced he no longer wanted to serve as an alternate captain, answer reporters' questions or be within 10 kilometres of Baruchel.
Bergevin offered a terse “No comment” when confronted by reporters today and then punched reporters 4,5 and 8, scattering the other members of the news media.
The remaining three alternate captains – Subban, Max Pacioretty and Tomas Plekanec – said later they will demand all post-game questions be submitted in writing 30 minutes in advance and include at least five multiple choice answers. Reporters who ask a “dumb” question in their opinion will be made to wear a dunce cap on camera, as well as invite Baruchel to their place for a sleepover.
Rogers Communications Inc. has filed a letter of objection with the National Hockey League, saying its employees can't operate under such harsh conditions.
(Oct. 24, 2014)
Montreal – Despite an impressive 6-1 record, the Montreal Canadiens are experiencing some turbulence in the dressing room: Andrei Markov is no longer an alternate captain.
The 13-year veteran offered no explanation when he asked general manager Marc Bergevin to be stripped of the title but all signs point to a disastrous interview Markov gave after the team's 2-1 overtime win over the Detroit Red Wings Tuesday.
Here's a partial transcript of his 57-minute scrum with reporters:
Reporter No. 1: What can you tell us about your partner and how things are evolving with the chemistry?
Markov: Ahhh [as if wounded]
Reporter No. 2: Do you think adding [Tom] Gilbert to a trade proposal would help the team land [Nail] Yakupov from the [Edmonton] Oilers?
Markov: hhhhhhh [winces]
Reporter No. 3: But does the team really want Yakupov given his character?
Markov: hhhhhhh [puffs his cheeks, squints]
Reporter No. 4: Character is already an issue with one of Montreal's younger players, Nathan Beaulieu, isn't it, so can it afford to take on another basket case?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhhh [exhales, bows head]
Reporter No. 5: The team wouldn't be having this problem, though, would it, Andrei, if it hadn't traded away [Ryan] McDonagh, right?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhh [hunches over, sweat pours off his forehead]
Reporter No. 6: If you had to compare the two, who would you say is the better defenceman, McDonagh or [PK] Subban?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhh [puts his hands on his knees, begins taking deep breaths]
Reporter No. 7: Does it bother you that you're getting paid way less than Subban when you've clearly been the better player this season?
Markov: hhhhhhhhhhhhhh [shoulders start heaving]
Reporter No. 8: Aren't you the tiniest bit worried that the coach is playing you way too much and you won't have much energy by the end of the season?
Markov: hhhhhhhhh [drops to his hands and knees]
Reporter No. 5: Isn't it also
Reporters 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8: Hey, you already asked a question! Give No. 9 a chance.
Reporter No. 9: Thanks, guys. Andrei, do you use fabric softener or dryer sheets?
Reporters 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8: Sorry, No. 5!
Reporter No. 10: Some people are finding those spots Jay Baruchel has done with the players more than a little creepy, where he watches [Cary] Price sleep and puts on his underwear, and goes into the shower with [Brendan] Gallagher. How upset were you when you found out the prostate exam he gave you wearing a medical mask wasn't part of the commercials?
Markov: hhhhhhhh [collapses face first on the floor, begins twitching]
Sources say Markov met with Bergevin later that night and announced he no longer wanted to serve as an alternate captain, answer reporters' questions or be within 10 kilometres of Baruchel.
Bergevin offered a terse “No comment” when confronted by reporters today and then punched reporters 4,5 and 8, scattering the other members of the news media.
The remaining three alternate captains – Subban, Max Pacioretty and Tomas Plekanec – said later they will demand all post-game questions be submitted in writing 30 minutes in advance and include at least five multiple choice answers. Reporters who ask a “dumb” question in their opinion will be made to wear a dunce cap on camera, as well as invite Baruchel to their place for a sleepover.
Rogers Communications Inc. has filed a letter of objection with the National Hockey League, saying its employees can't operate under such harsh conditions.
Snooze, you lose? Montreal proves otherwise
(Oct. 23, 2014)
Montreal – The team's laggard first periods are by design and not the result of poor preparation, says Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien.
“It might look like we're digging ourselves into a big hole with the slow starts, but who's at the bottom by the end of the game – the other side,” Therrien said. “We delude them into thinking they're going to win and then, wham! third period, overtime, shootout, it's game over.
“It's a system I like to call entrapment.”
Therrien conceded having the Canadiens lull opponents into believing victory is assured risks putting fans to sleep with their ho-ho-ho-yawnnnnn-hum performance but he believes they won't mind if it means not having to listen the Canadiens' goal song “until it really counts.”
The coach also acknowledged there are a few kinks to work out -- “I never told Eller and Bourque they don't have score, ever” -- but he likes what he's seeing from the team, “guys giving 75, 80 per cent effort.
“Of course, in the first intermission, I tell them to turn it up a notch, and in the second, I give it to them really good.”
Anyone who watches CH 24 knows just how accurate that statement is. In one recent episode, Therrien was shown having a heart-to-heart talk with each of the players, holding a bloodied heart in his hand and asking, “Are you missing something.”
Therrien chuckled recalling the segment, saying “it was a cow's heart, which I had one of the trainers grill during the third period, and cut into slices, to serve at the end of the game, to celebrate our victory.”
It's one reason the team is building a reputation as the “new Cardiac Kids.”
He's thinking about using bull testicles as props for his next inspirational between-periods talk (“Looks like you could use a pair”).
Or maybe a rectum (“Here, I ripped you a new one.”).
Therrien said he's not concerned playing possum for the first 20 minutes could end up backfiring one of these days.
“The Canadiens know a thing or two about fire,” he said.
Therrien said sleepwalking through the first period actually builds suspense for followers of the team, the ones who stay awake.
“Will we end up smashing our heads against the wall, or snap out it before the final buzzer sounds? Fans are telling us they're loving the new Habs. You won't ever see one of them throw a sweater on the ice in the third period.
“A pillow, maybe.”
(Oct. 23, 2014)
Montreal – The team's laggard first periods are by design and not the result of poor preparation, says Montreal Canadiens coach Michel Therrien.
“It might look like we're digging ourselves into a big hole with the slow starts, but who's at the bottom by the end of the game – the other side,” Therrien said. “We delude them into thinking they're going to win and then, wham! third period, overtime, shootout, it's game over.
“It's a system I like to call entrapment.”
Therrien conceded having the Canadiens lull opponents into believing victory is assured risks putting fans to sleep with their ho-ho-ho-yawnnnnn-hum performance but he believes they won't mind if it means not having to listen the Canadiens' goal song “until it really counts.”
The coach also acknowledged there are a few kinks to work out -- “I never told Eller and Bourque they don't have score, ever” -- but he likes what he's seeing from the team, “guys giving 75, 80 per cent effort.
“Of course, in the first intermission, I tell them to turn it up a notch, and in the second, I give it to them really good.”
Anyone who watches CH 24 knows just how accurate that statement is. In one recent episode, Therrien was shown having a heart-to-heart talk with each of the players, holding a bloodied heart in his hand and asking, “Are you missing something.”
Therrien chuckled recalling the segment, saying “it was a cow's heart, which I had one of the trainers grill during the third period, and cut into slices, to serve at the end of the game, to celebrate our victory.”
It's one reason the team is building a reputation as the “new Cardiac Kids.”
He's thinking about using bull testicles as props for his next inspirational between-periods talk (“Looks like you could use a pair”).
Or maybe a rectum (“Here, I ripped you a new one.”).
Therrien said he's not concerned playing possum for the first 20 minutes could end up backfiring one of these days.
“The Canadiens know a thing or two about fire,” he said.
Therrien said sleepwalking through the first period actually builds suspense for followers of the team, the ones who stay awake.
“Will we end up smashing our heads against the wall, or snap out it before the final buzzer sounds? Fans are telling us they're loving the new Habs. You won't ever see one of them throw a sweater on the ice in the third period.
“A pillow, maybe.”
From the Vault:
List of coaching candidates narrows
(May 2012)
MONTREAL – Bob Hartley, considered by many the leading candidate to become the next coach of the Montreal Canadiens, is no longer in the running.
A disastrous third round interview has disqualified him from further consideration, say sources close to the selection process.
“It was terrible,” said one insider who filmed the interview. “Hartley reacted badly to having his palm buzzed when he shook hands with (Canadiens general manager Marc) Bergevin, getting sprayed with water from a flower in the GM’s lapel, and being embarrassed when he sat on a whoopee cushion at the beginning of the interview.”
He also failed to come up with the punch lines to several hoary jokes, including why did the chicken cross the road. Hartley’s response, “What the $%$#^$ has that got to do with anything?” failed to draw a smile from Bergevin, another source said.
The former Colorado Avalanche coach, who led the team to a Stanley Cup victory in 2001, also appeared to be offended when Bergevin affected a Scottish accent for much of the 90-minute interview and kept calling him “Boob”.
The session ended badly when Hartley failed to employ the classic Three Stooges defensive hand block when Bergevin playfully poked him in the eyes.
Still, Hartley left on better terms than Patrick Roy, who pulled a knife when the GM attempted the same gambit to test the Hab legend’s humour quotient.
“Some will say Bergevin’s interviewing style is a bizarre way to choose a coach but it makes perfect sense,” said a confidante of the novice general manager. “Marc is looking for a guy with elan, aplomb and bonhomie because he’ll need all three to handle the stress of leading the Canadiens back to respectability. Having a sense of humour is essential, otherwise he’ll go crazy.”
Source number four said Bergevin, a well-known prankster, is counting on his choice of coach to disarm the team’s critics with wit, particularly during the often fractious conferences that follow a loss, when the team’s play comes under intense scrutiny – which it will happen often while the Canadiens rebuild.
“Don’t be surprised to see the next coach spray the reporters with seltzer and honk a horn after every answer just to keep the mood light,” he said.
More than one source said Marc Crawford greatly improved his chances of being hired by maintaining a calm composure and a high wattage smile throughout his third round interview, even when Steve Moore was invited in to ask a few questions about his coaching philosophy.
But Crawford is by no means a cinch to replace Randy Cunneyworth as there are several other legitimate candidates still in the race: Bergevin’s junior hockey coach, high school gym teacher, fitness trainer, financial adviser, tailor and hair stylist.
List of coaching candidates narrows
(May 2012)
MONTREAL – Bob Hartley, considered by many the leading candidate to become the next coach of the Montreal Canadiens, is no longer in the running.
A disastrous third round interview has disqualified him from further consideration, say sources close to the selection process.
“It was terrible,” said one insider who filmed the interview. “Hartley reacted badly to having his palm buzzed when he shook hands with (Canadiens general manager Marc) Bergevin, getting sprayed with water from a flower in the GM’s lapel, and being embarrassed when he sat on a whoopee cushion at the beginning of the interview.”
He also failed to come up with the punch lines to several hoary jokes, including why did the chicken cross the road. Hartley’s response, “What the $%$#^$ has that got to do with anything?” failed to draw a smile from Bergevin, another source said.
The former Colorado Avalanche coach, who led the team to a Stanley Cup victory in 2001, also appeared to be offended when Bergevin affected a Scottish accent for much of the 90-minute interview and kept calling him “Boob”.
The session ended badly when Hartley failed to employ the classic Three Stooges defensive hand block when Bergevin playfully poked him in the eyes.
Still, Hartley left on better terms than Patrick Roy, who pulled a knife when the GM attempted the same gambit to test the Hab legend’s humour quotient.
“Some will say Bergevin’s interviewing style is a bizarre way to choose a coach but it makes perfect sense,” said a confidante of the novice general manager. “Marc is looking for a guy with elan, aplomb and bonhomie because he’ll need all three to handle the stress of leading the Canadiens back to respectability. Having a sense of humour is essential, otherwise he’ll go crazy.”
Source number four said Bergevin, a well-known prankster, is counting on his choice of coach to disarm the team’s critics with wit, particularly during the often fractious conferences that follow a loss, when the team’s play comes under intense scrutiny – which it will happen often while the Canadiens rebuild.
“Don’t be surprised to see the next coach spray the reporters with seltzer and honk a horn after every answer just to keep the mood light,” he said.
More than one source said Marc Crawford greatly improved his chances of being hired by maintaining a calm composure and a high wattage smile throughout his third round interview, even when Steve Moore was invited in to ask a few questions about his coaching philosophy.
But Crawford is by no means a cinch to replace Randy Cunneyworth as there are several other legitimate candidates still in the race: Bergevin’s junior hockey coach, high school gym teacher, fitness trainer, financial adviser, tailor and hair stylist.
Habs trade first round pick
so history can repeat itself
(June 25, 2014)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin has traded his first round pick in the National Hockey League's 2014 entry draft to the Nashville Predators for Nashville picks in the second and sixth rounds.
“We haven't had great success with our selections in the first round, when they're not among the top 22,” Bergevin said. “Even then, it's been more miss than hit.”
He didn't name names but a quick scan of the Canadiens' drafting history over the past 15 years showed a few successes – Carey Price, Max Pacioretty, and Ryan McDonagh (who was traded and is now the New York Rangers' top defenceman) – but many more who never lived up to their hype, including David Fischer, Kyle Chipchura, Alexander Burturlin, and, possibly, Louis Leblanc.
Montreal was scheduled to pick 26th in the draft that will take place in Philadelphia, starting Friday night.
Bergevin said the team, with Trevor Timmins as its director of amateur scouting, is more comfortable choosing entry level players in later rounds, and here he did name names: PK Subban, Alexei Emelin, Brendan Gallagher, Thomas Plekanec, and, most notably, Andrei Markov, who this week signed on for another three years, at the age of 35.
“Giving up the number 26 pick to Nashville is no big deal, but getting the Predators' second round pick, at No. 42, has us really excited,” the GM said. “That's PK Subban territory!”
Subban was drafted 43rd in 2007.
Bergevin was even more ecstatic at wrangling Nashville's slot in the sixth round, No. 162.
“That was the clincher,” he said. “If we hadn't got that, there would have been no trade. That was the deal-maker.”
The significance for Bergevin is that Markov, considered one of the savviest players in the league, was the 162nd player chosen in the 1998 draft.
“I have every faith that history will repeat itself when we announce our pick at No. 162 this weekend,” Bergevin said. “I see us finding another D-man in the rough.”
Not to be outdone, New York Islander GM Garth Snow boasted he had traded his team's first round pick as well, to the Buffalo Sabres, for “three firsts, yeah, three firsts” -- in the second, third and fourth rounds, which the Sabres earned by finishing last in the league.
The Islanders will also receive the Sabres' first selection in the fifth round conditional on Snow receiving a three-year extension before the draft.
Bergevin also announced he has hired former Canadien Scott Gomez as an assistant coach.
Gomez agreed to retire as a player when approached by Bergevin to replace Gerard Gallant, the new coach of the Florida Panthers.
“Scott finally accepted he hasn't been good on the ice for years, but we all know he's good in the room and we're betting he's good behind the bench as well,” Bergevin said. “Scott has the type of personality that can keep the players loose and not get uptight when Michel (Therrien, Montreal's head coach) juggles lines or plays Davey (Desharnais) on the first line of the power play.”
The power-play unit, which was a major disappointment last season, should benefit from Gomez's presence, Bergevin said.
“He has a few ideas on how to make it better but I told him to not worry about it. Just his being there will deflect most of the fans' criticism his way. And we could use a few more deflections on this team when we have the man advantage.”
so history can repeat itself
(June 25, 2014)
Montreal – Montreal Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin has traded his first round pick in the National Hockey League's 2014 entry draft to the Nashville Predators for Nashville picks in the second and sixth rounds.
“We haven't had great success with our selections in the first round, when they're not among the top 22,” Bergevin said. “Even then, it's been more miss than hit.”
He didn't name names but a quick scan of the Canadiens' drafting history over the past 15 years showed a few successes – Carey Price, Max Pacioretty, and Ryan McDonagh (who was traded and is now the New York Rangers' top defenceman) – but many more who never lived up to their hype, including David Fischer, Kyle Chipchura, Alexander Burturlin, and, possibly, Louis Leblanc.
Montreal was scheduled to pick 26th in the draft that will take place in Philadelphia, starting Friday night.
Bergevin said the team, with Trevor Timmins as its director of amateur scouting, is more comfortable choosing entry level players in later rounds, and here he did name names: PK Subban, Alexei Emelin, Brendan Gallagher, Thomas Plekanec, and, most notably, Andrei Markov, who this week signed on for another three years, at the age of 35.
“Giving up the number 26 pick to Nashville is no big deal, but getting the Predators' second round pick, at No. 42, has us really excited,” the GM said. “That's PK Subban territory!”
Subban was drafted 43rd in 2007.
Bergevin was even more ecstatic at wrangling Nashville's slot in the sixth round, No. 162.
“That was the clincher,” he said. “If we hadn't got that, there would have been no trade. That was the deal-maker.”
The significance for Bergevin is that Markov, considered one of the savviest players in the league, was the 162nd player chosen in the 1998 draft.
“I have every faith that history will repeat itself when we announce our pick at No. 162 this weekend,” Bergevin said. “I see us finding another D-man in the rough.”
Not to be outdone, New York Islander GM Garth Snow boasted he had traded his team's first round pick as well, to the Buffalo Sabres, for “three firsts, yeah, three firsts” -- in the second, third and fourth rounds, which the Sabres earned by finishing last in the league.
The Islanders will also receive the Sabres' first selection in the fifth round conditional on Snow receiving a three-year extension before the draft.
Bergevin also announced he has hired former Canadien Scott Gomez as an assistant coach.
Gomez agreed to retire as a player when approached by Bergevin to replace Gerard Gallant, the new coach of the Florida Panthers.
“Scott finally accepted he hasn't been good on the ice for years, but we all know he's good in the room and we're betting he's good behind the bench as well,” Bergevin said. “Scott has the type of personality that can keep the players loose and not get uptight when Michel (Therrien, Montreal's head coach) juggles lines or plays Davey (Desharnais) on the first line of the power play.”
The power-play unit, which was a major disappointment last season, should benefit from Gomez's presence, Bergevin said.
“He has a few ideas on how to make it better but I told him to not worry about it. Just his being there will deflect most of the fans' criticism his way. And we could use a few more deflections on this team when we have the man advantage.”
Players want to sever union with union
(June 20, 2014)
New York – A growing faction within the National Hockey League Players' Association is looking to remove themselves from the association in order to join another union.
As spokesman for the group, NHL scoring champion Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins said at least 125 players who have suffered major injuries in the last four years have grown “frustrated” with the NHLPA for “not making workplace safety its number one priority.”
The association “is a bit of a joke, really,” Crosby said. “Look at the highlights from the last collective bargaining agreement. Money, money, money. We should have been pushing for safer working conditions. That's why we ask for outrageous amounts at contract time because we know any day our careers, our ability to produce, could be cut short by a cheap shot, a dirty play. There are guys in the league who don't care what harm they cause others but for some reason that doesn't seem to be an issue with the union we have.”
Crosby said if the association had pushed for stringent enforcement of the rules and severer forms of supplementary discipline, a majority of NHLPA members would have readily made concessions regarding salary caps, knowing they would be able to play longer with less risk of injury.
“Every team has jerks, some more than others, but when they cross the line, does the association come out and tell them to smarten up, to quit beating up their union brothers, or face expulsion from the association? Of course not.
“Well, I'm sick of it, and so are hundreds more who play the game who feel the union hasn't got their back – just the goons who target it,” Crosby said.
The Penguin captain said an initiative is underway to explore what legal means are available to players wanting to “disassociate” themselves from the NHLPA in order to join another union -- the Teamsters.
“We play for teams,” Crosby said. “That makes us natural Teamsters.”
He spoke approvingly of the union's reputation for keeping its members in line.
“That's what the players' association should have been doing all along,” he said.
Crosby foresaw a time not that far off when the NHL could find itself having to negotiate two collective bargaining agreements, pointing out it's not unusual for corporations and government agencies having to strike deals with more than one union to ensure labour peace.
Should the NHLPA continue to exist as a rump, serving exclusively as the voice of forwards and defencemen with a fondness for inflicting harm, its members would be wise to rein in their sociopathic impulses, Crosby warned.
“Otherwise they'll have to deal with the Hell's Angels of the labour movement.”
(June 20, 2014)
New York – A growing faction within the National Hockey League Players' Association is looking to remove themselves from the association in order to join another union.
As spokesman for the group, NHL scoring champion Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins said at least 125 players who have suffered major injuries in the last four years have grown “frustrated” with the NHLPA for “not making workplace safety its number one priority.”
The association “is a bit of a joke, really,” Crosby said. “Look at the highlights from the last collective bargaining agreement. Money, money, money. We should have been pushing for safer working conditions. That's why we ask for outrageous amounts at contract time because we know any day our careers, our ability to produce, could be cut short by a cheap shot, a dirty play. There are guys in the league who don't care what harm they cause others but for some reason that doesn't seem to be an issue with the union we have.”
Crosby said if the association had pushed for stringent enforcement of the rules and severer forms of supplementary discipline, a majority of NHLPA members would have readily made concessions regarding salary caps, knowing they would be able to play longer with less risk of injury.
“Every team has jerks, some more than others, but when they cross the line, does the association come out and tell them to smarten up, to quit beating up their union brothers, or face expulsion from the association? Of course not.
“Well, I'm sick of it, and so are hundreds more who play the game who feel the union hasn't got their back – just the goons who target it,” Crosby said.
The Penguin captain said an initiative is underway to explore what legal means are available to players wanting to “disassociate” themselves from the NHLPA in order to join another union -- the Teamsters.
“We play for teams,” Crosby said. “That makes us natural Teamsters.”
He spoke approvingly of the union's reputation for keeping its members in line.
“That's what the players' association should have been doing all along,” he said.
Crosby foresaw a time not that far off when the NHL could find itself having to negotiate two collective bargaining agreements, pointing out it's not unusual for corporations and government agencies having to strike deals with more than one union to ensure labour peace.
Should the NHLPA continue to exist as a rump, serving exclusively as the voice of forwards and defencemen with a fondness for inflicting harm, its members would be wise to rein in their sociopathic impulses, Crosby warned.
“Otherwise they'll have to deal with the Hell's Angels of the labour movement.”
Desharnais agrees to an extension
(June 15, 2014)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens and their number one centre, David Desharnais, have agreed to a one-foot extension.
The controversial procedure, which has grown in popularity by leaps and bounds since medieval times, would make the five-foot-seven-inch forward the tallest player on the team.
“The playoffs, especially with Los Angeles winning its second Cup in three years, showed no club can afford to have a small player centering its top line,” Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin said. “I talked it over with David and he agreed he had to step up his game. He initially suggested six inches, I insisted on one foot.”
Desharnais said he was prepared to do anything to help the team.
“If I want my game to grow I need to grow,” he said.
The diminutive forward acknowledged there is “a potential for permanent injury” inherent in putting his body through a series of “alterations by artificial means,” involving racks, pulleys, implants, coils, steel-boned corsets, blue whale extract, and neck rings, but he has been assured by the Canadiens' medical team "the risks associated with achieving maximal height are minimal.”
Besides, he added, he liked the idea of no longer being referred to as “wee Davey but as David the Goliath instead.”
Bergevin said he had no intention of re-signing Brian Gionta unless it was as “Brian Gianta.”
The GM also announced that he had extended coach Michel Therrien's contract by four years.
“Michel said he needed a commitment from the team that would allow him to be more innovative in his coaching without fear of jeopardizing future earnings,” he said. “I agreed that knowing his income was assured for the next four years would give him the freedom to think more about the big picture and not have to focus on simply making the playoffs to guarantee a pay cheque.”
Therrien confirmed what many suspected: He kept playing veterans this season because they offered a better chance of winning in the short term, even though it was at the expense of integrating talented, younger players into the lineup.
“Hey, I groaned every time I had to send Frankie over the boards for another shift or dressed Moen, but what could I do? It was win at all costs or be out of a job,” Therrien said. “Now, if I'm out of a job, at least I'll get paid."
Therrien said Montreal fans “can expect to see a steady diet of Beaulieu, Tinordi, Pateryn, Andrighetto, De La Rose, Crisp, McCarron and Gregoire next winter – two, three years in the minors be damned!”
And it will be a different Therrien at the helm when – if -- PK Subban, a restricted free agent, re-signs.
“PK's the man but under the system I have in mind he'll be Subbanman,” said Therrien, stealing a tag from a revered Habitant pundit.
“I'm giving him free rein. A stud like that that, you don't hitch to a wagon, even if it's a fire wagon, you let it gallop, you let it lead the stampede.”
Bergevin told reporters he would be making another major announcement tomorrow. He refused to provide a hint but there's strong speculation anthem singer Ginette Reno is about to sign on for a longer gig.
(June 15, 2014)
Montreal – The Montreal Canadiens and their number one centre, David Desharnais, have agreed to a one-foot extension.
The controversial procedure, which has grown in popularity by leaps and bounds since medieval times, would make the five-foot-seven-inch forward the tallest player on the team.
“The playoffs, especially with Los Angeles winning its second Cup in three years, showed no club can afford to have a small player centering its top line,” Canadiens general manager Marc Bergevin said. “I talked it over with David and he agreed he had to step up his game. He initially suggested six inches, I insisted on one foot.”
Desharnais said he was prepared to do anything to help the team.
“If I want my game to grow I need to grow,” he said.
The diminutive forward acknowledged there is “a potential for permanent injury” inherent in putting his body through a series of “alterations by artificial means,” involving racks, pulleys, implants, coils, steel-boned corsets, blue whale extract, and neck rings, but he has been assured by the Canadiens' medical team "the risks associated with achieving maximal height are minimal.”
Besides, he added, he liked the idea of no longer being referred to as “wee Davey but as David the Goliath instead.”
Bergevin said he had no intention of re-signing Brian Gionta unless it was as “Brian Gianta.”
The GM also announced that he had extended coach Michel Therrien's contract by four years.
“Michel said he needed a commitment from the team that would allow him to be more innovative in his coaching without fear of jeopardizing future earnings,” he said. “I agreed that knowing his income was assured for the next four years would give him the freedom to think more about the big picture and not have to focus on simply making the playoffs to guarantee a pay cheque.”
Therrien confirmed what many suspected: He kept playing veterans this season because they offered a better chance of winning in the short term, even though it was at the expense of integrating talented, younger players into the lineup.
“Hey, I groaned every time I had to send Frankie over the boards for another shift or dressed Moen, but what could I do? It was win at all costs or be out of a job,” Therrien said. “Now, if I'm out of a job, at least I'll get paid."
Therrien said Montreal fans “can expect to see a steady diet of Beaulieu, Tinordi, Pateryn, Andrighetto, De La Rose, Crisp, McCarron and Gregoire next winter – two, three years in the minors be damned!”
And it will be a different Therrien at the helm when – if -- PK Subban, a restricted free agent, re-signs.
“PK's the man but under the system I have in mind he'll be Subbanman,” said Therrien, stealing a tag from a revered Habitant pundit.
“I'm giving him free rein. A stud like that that, you don't hitch to a wagon, even if it's a fire wagon, you let it gallop, you let it lead the stampede.”
Bergevin told reporters he would be making another major announcement tomorrow. He refused to provide a hint but there's strong speculation anthem singer Ginette Reno is about to sign on for a longer gig.
Desperate times call for scientific measures
(May 22, 2014)
New York – Alarmed at finding themselves down 2-0 in the National Hockey League's Eastern Conference final, the Montreal Canadiens have turned to science to engineer a comeback and avoid being swept.
“With Carey (Price, Montreal's goaltender) out for the series and the team having trouble scoring, we decided it was time to do something drastic,” general manager Marc Bergevin told reporters yesterday. “No more studying videos, playing hunches, tweaking lines, or dressing Gionta. No trap, no dump-and-chase, no icing. We've traded in the system for the scientific method.”
To show what he meant, Bergevin held up a tricoloured medical tricoder.
“This is the future, folks -- a future less than 24 hours away,” he said.
It's a future Star Trek fans will recognize immediately, a device that analyzes the body's major functions in the time it takes to do a scan.
“It provides instant feedback on what is going on inside a player, things that he himself probably doesn't know, but have a great deal to do with how well he's playing,” Bergevin said. “It's a gold mine of data the coach can use to great advantage.”
Bergevin introduced Dr. Kay Surrah of the Welby and Welby Institute of Advancement in the Understanding of Human Physiology whose team of researchers funded by the Canadiens invented the instrument that is sure to revolutionize major sports as well as the NHL.
“It's very simple,” Surrah said, which drew a sigh of relief from the assembled reporters.
Bohnz© -- the name given the device in tribute to the Star Trek character who used one in the renowned TV series – “is essentially a scanner that provides real-time measurements of an athlete's physiological state: respiratory and heart rates, blood pressure, neural transmissions, body temperature, pH balance, cognitive function, mucus formation, ...”
Surrah would have gone on but the news folk indicated by a chorus of “yeah, yeah, yeah” they had become experts on the subject, and that what they really wanted to know was how this “bio-info” was going to help Montreal prevail against the New York Rangers.
“Well, wouldn't you as a coach like to know which of your players are firing on all cylinders, and the ones whose signs are less-than-vital?” Bergevin responded. “Sure, you can send them out and watch them play a few shifts to get an idea, but by then it might be too late. Team gives up an early goal because a forward has a bad case of gas or the electrical voltages in a defenceman's cells are out of whack. In either case, a goal could have been prevented had the coach known what was up. The forward could have been given a shot of PeptoBismol, the defenceman a few more gulps of Gatorade.”
But what about offence, the team has trouble scoring, Bergevin was asked.
“The beauty of Bohnz© is it also measures adrenaline levels,” he said. “Now you'd think being in the final four of the playoffs would be enough of a stimulus to get the juices flowing, but you'd be wrong. With some players it's a naturally occurring deficiency and has nothing to do with pending free agency and a desire to avoid injury ... for example, speaking hypothetically.”
Bergevin said in those cases caffeinated drinks aren't enough to boost a player's supply of adrenalin. The best way to induce an athlete to play on edge, he said, is by natural means, “a shock to the system, such as a sudden fright.”
To achieve the desired effect, coach Michel Therrien and his bench staff will randomly “wave snakes, dangle spiders and yell boo wearing terrifying masks -- to start with,” Bergevin said, “to get certain players to elevate their 'compete level.' We want them feeling they'd rather be out on the ice trying their hardest than sitting on the bench being scared to death, not knowing what to expect. Fight-or-fright, that's what we call it.”
Bergevin and the Canadiens are so certain the device will prove its worth in the playoffs the team plans to mass produce Bohnz© in the off-season for sale throughout North America.
“Governments, businesses and wives are a natural market,” he said.
(May 22, 2014)
New York – Alarmed at finding themselves down 2-0 in the National Hockey League's Eastern Conference final, the Montreal Canadiens have turned to science to engineer a comeback and avoid being swept.
“With Carey (Price, Montreal's goaltender) out for the series and the team having trouble scoring, we decided it was time to do something drastic,” general manager Marc Bergevin told reporters yesterday. “No more studying videos, playing hunches, tweaking lines, or dressing Gionta. No trap, no dump-and-chase, no icing. We've traded in the system for the scientific method.”
To show what he meant, Bergevin held up a tricoloured medical tricoder.
“This is the future, folks -- a future less than 24 hours away,” he said.
It's a future Star Trek fans will recognize immediately, a device that analyzes the body's major functions in the time it takes to do a scan.
“It provides instant feedback on what is going on inside a player, things that he himself probably doesn't know, but have a great deal to do with how well he's playing,” Bergevin said. “It's a gold mine of data the coach can use to great advantage.”
Bergevin introduced Dr. Kay Surrah of the Welby and Welby Institute of Advancement in the Understanding of Human Physiology whose team of researchers funded by the Canadiens invented the instrument that is sure to revolutionize major sports as well as the NHL.
“It's very simple,” Surrah said, which drew a sigh of relief from the assembled reporters.
Bohnz© -- the name given the device in tribute to the Star Trek character who used one in the renowned TV series – “is essentially a scanner that provides real-time measurements of an athlete's physiological state: respiratory and heart rates, blood pressure, neural transmissions, body temperature, pH balance, cognitive function, mucus formation, ...”
Surrah would have gone on but the news folk indicated by a chorus of “yeah, yeah, yeah” they had become experts on the subject, and that what they really wanted to know was how this “bio-info” was going to help Montreal prevail against the New York Rangers.
“Well, wouldn't you as a coach like to know which of your players are firing on all cylinders, and the ones whose signs are less-than-vital?” Bergevin responded. “Sure, you can send them out and watch them play a few shifts to get an idea, but by then it might be too late. Team gives up an early goal because a forward has a bad case of gas or the electrical voltages in a defenceman's cells are out of whack. In either case, a goal could have been prevented had the coach known what was up. The forward could have been given a shot of PeptoBismol, the defenceman a few more gulps of Gatorade.”
But what about offence, the team has trouble scoring, Bergevin was asked.
“The beauty of Bohnz© is it also measures adrenaline levels,” he said. “Now you'd think being in the final four of the playoffs would be enough of a stimulus to get the juices flowing, but you'd be wrong. With some players it's a naturally occurring deficiency and has nothing to do with pending free agency and a desire to avoid injury ... for example, speaking hypothetically.”
Bergevin said in those cases caffeinated drinks aren't enough to boost a player's supply of adrenalin. The best way to induce an athlete to play on edge, he said, is by natural means, “a shock to the system, such as a sudden fright.”
To achieve the desired effect, coach Michel Therrien and his bench staff will randomly “wave snakes, dangle spiders and yell boo wearing terrifying masks -- to start with,” Bergevin said, “to get certain players to elevate their 'compete level.' We want them feeling they'd rather be out on the ice trying their hardest than sitting on the bench being scared to death, not knowing what to expect. Fight-or-fright, that's what we call it.”
Bergevin and the Canadiens are so certain the device will prove its worth in the playoffs the team plans to mass produce Bohnz© in the off-season for sale throughout North America.
“Governments, businesses and wives are a natural market,” he said.
Don't put too much stock
in what PJ has to say
(April 29, 2013)
TORONTO – A prominent Canadian sports personality has come out and said he’s a member of a persecuted minority.
“I’m dumb, and proud of it,” pseudo- hockey analyst PJ Stock told reporters over drinks at a bar today.
Stock said he decided to publicly declare his limited intelligence to end rumours he’s a half-wit.
“Don’t I wish,” he said.
Stock admitted he’s never liked being made “the bum of jokes” by hockey fans across Canada.
“They think I want to draw attention to myself by saying controversial stuff,” he said. “Unhh unhh. I really believe what I’m saying. But if people thought I was doing it for the headlines, I wasn’t going to tell them they were wrong. I just hoped and prayed no one would ever find out I was stupid. Then when I saw that basketball player tell the world he was gay, I decided it was time for me to do the same. No, no, not say I’m gay, say I’m a dimwit.”
Stock said he knows of hundreds of hockey players and sports writers who are just as dumb as he is – “their belt skips a few loops” – but are reluctant to say they’re stupid in public.
“They’re only kidding themselves if they think people don’t know their butter isn’t churned, just like I used to fool myself,” Stock said.
The National Association of Dumb as Doorknobs Canadians, the Royal Society of Imbeciles, and the National Hockey League Officials Association all praised the retired hockey player for daring to put his reputation and livelihood on the line with his candor.
“He’s an idiot,” said one spokesman. “Well done.”
Stock said there have been many times when he has wanted to say something but held back because he feared people would think he’s “a quarter shy of a penny.”
The Depends shill expressed hope that his example will empower the mentally enfeebled to shrug off the shackles of self-loathing – or, as he put it, “get a grip” – and become more involved in society, such as running for office.
“A lot of dumb things happen in Canada, but try getting anyone to admit to being dumb,” Stock said. “I hope others follow my lead. Especially my Hockey Night colleagues.”
in what PJ has to say
(April 29, 2013)
TORONTO – A prominent Canadian sports personality has come out and said he’s a member of a persecuted minority.
“I’m dumb, and proud of it,” pseudo- hockey analyst PJ Stock told reporters over drinks at a bar today.
Stock said he decided to publicly declare his limited intelligence to end rumours he’s a half-wit.
“Don’t I wish,” he said.
Stock admitted he’s never liked being made “the bum of jokes” by hockey fans across Canada.
“They think I want to draw attention to myself by saying controversial stuff,” he said. “Unhh unhh. I really believe what I’m saying. But if people thought I was doing it for the headlines, I wasn’t going to tell them they were wrong. I just hoped and prayed no one would ever find out I was stupid. Then when I saw that basketball player tell the world he was gay, I decided it was time for me to do the same. No, no, not say I’m gay, say I’m a dimwit.”
Stock said he knows of hundreds of hockey players and sports writers who are just as dumb as he is – “their belt skips a few loops” – but are reluctant to say they’re stupid in public.
“They’re only kidding themselves if they think people don’t know their butter isn’t churned, just like I used to fool myself,” Stock said.
The National Association of Dumb as Doorknobs Canadians, the Royal Society of Imbeciles, and the National Hockey League Officials Association all praised the retired hockey player for daring to put his reputation and livelihood on the line with his candor.
“He’s an idiot,” said one spokesman. “Well done.”
Stock said there have been many times when he has wanted to say something but held back because he feared people would think he’s “a quarter shy of a penny.”
The Depends shill expressed hope that his example will empower the mentally enfeebled to shrug off the shackles of self-loathing – or, as he put it, “get a grip” – and become more involved in society, such as running for office.
“A lot of dumb things happen in Canada, but try getting anyone to admit to being dumb,” Stock said. “I hope others follow my lead. Especially my Hockey Night colleagues.”
Chicanery earns Canada a seat on the sidelines
(February 19, 2014)
Sochi – Disgraced hockey coach Mike Babcock has offered an abject apology for his getting Team Canada booted from the Winter Olympics.
The team was sent packing after having its 3-2 win over Latvia overturned for “acts committed in violation of Games rules and conduct inimical to the spirit of fair play.”
“I blew it, I let the pressure to win get the better of me,” a contrite, teary-eyed Babcock told reporters yesterday outside his hotel room, while workers continued to work on its construction.
“I’ve brought shame to Canada, the national hockey program, the players, the fans, and my family,” he said. “I am so, so Sochi sorry. I hope they can forgive me.”
Canada was trailing Latvia 2-0 after two periods Wednesday but mounted a terrific comeback in the third to win a thrilling contest that went down to the wire.
The country’s exultation quickly turned to stunned disbelief, however, when the team was stripped of the win six hours later after it was revealed Canada had employed questionable tactics to rig the outcome.
An investigation carried out by International Ice Hockey Federation officials determined Babcock had ordered accomplices, during the second intermission, to:
– spread sand at the Latvian bench
– use a fake email account in Buffalo Sabres owner Terry Pegula’s name to bombard Latvian coach Ted Nolan with an endless series of questions requiring immediate responses “or else”
– tweet Russian president Vladmir Putin that half of the Latvian team was gay and looking to “make a scene” should the country earn a medal
– pay fans seated behind the Latvian bench to serenade the players with offensive lyrics parodying their country’s national anthem and principal exports
But the most serious transgression, in the eyes of IIHF officials, was Babcock’s decision to illegally substitute a player before the start of the third period. PK Subban, who had been a healthy scratch, took the place of an underperforming Rick Nash on the fourth line and scored two goals, including the winner, to lead Canada to victory.
The ruse was uncovered when the Latvians asked for a player measurement immediately after the game. Their suspicions were proved correct when a video review of third period action showed ‘Nash’ measured three inches shorter than his listed height.
Traces of white grease paint found behind Subban’s ears as he was leaving the dressing room confirmed the investigators’ initial finding that Canada had indeed used deception to defeat its smaller rival.
Subban expressed regret for his role in Team Canada’s humiliating ouster, saying he had been reluctant to go along with his coach’s “Babcockamamie scheme but he’s won a Stanley Cup and an Olympic gold ring so who am I to question what he’s doing.
Besides, being a Montreal Canadien I have complete faith in whatever your coach tells you do.”
There was no doubt that Babcock’s remorse was sincere and deeply felt. After being peppered with questions by reporters and several of the workers installing drywall in his hotel room, the veteran coach began to bawl uncontrollably and howl between convulsions that he deserved “to be whipped, not just for what happened here in Socchi but back in 2008, when we won the Cup.”
Babcock refused to go into detail.
“Talk to Stevie Y,” he said. “He was vice-president of operations for the Red Wings back then. We used to call him the VP of black ops.
“Let’s just say switching players isn’t exactly a new gambit.”
‘Go, Habs, go!’ chant could soon
be replaced by ‘Go, nads, go!’
(Sept. 10, 2013)
NEW YORK – Players will be in for a big surprise when National Hockey League training camps open this week: goalies aren’t the only ones whose equipment has been shrunk.
The league has decreed jockstraps are not to exceed a certain size, “to speed up the game, and to make it safer,” said a spokesman for the NHL’s department of player safety.
“Like every other piece of equipment in the game jock straps have gotten way too big – way bigger than necessary, let me tell you,” the official said, citing hidden camera footage the NHL has compiled to support its case for change. “You see how slow some of those guys skate? Oversized jock straps, that’s why. Interferes with their stride, cuts into their circulation. And it’s so unnecessary. They’re playing on ice in a rink that’s kept cool, for god’s sake. You know what the cold does to a man’s equipment. But manmade equipment won’t shrink, not unless we say so. And now we’ve said so.”
The league is still in the process of determining the proper dimensions for approved undergarments, a process that will include visiting every training camp and “gathering stats” on each player, using the “proverbial measuring stick,” the spokesman said.
“We fully expect we’ll be able to reduce the equipment by 25 per cent. In fact, I can say with certainty the new line of apparel will be known as jock thongs,” the official said.
Allowances will be made for physical differences among players, by offering three sizes of protective cups: butter (small), tea (medium) and Stanley (“for guys with, well, big tools”).
The rule change was inadvertently approved by the National Hockey League Players’ Association executive and membership last week while their attention was focused on determining the whereabouts of executive director Don Fehr.
While startling that such a thing could happen, the most controversial aspect about the extraordinary turn of events is the league’s assertion that smaller gear will improve player’s safety. This runs counter to everything equipment makers have been saying over the last 30 years in churning out products that, in some cases, have doubled in size.
“But smaller athletic supporters will make hockey safer for the players,” the spokesman insisted, “because the rules package approved by the players’ association during the search for Fehr included a clause that bans hitting above the belt in a fight. No more shots to the head. To the big head, at least.”
The spokesman said the league was reluctant to ban fighting altogether, knowing there is strong support for it among a large contingent of fans, so it came up with a compromise that also applies to “the code,” the set of unwritten rules.
“From now on, we have no objection to players flailing away at other players’ privates,” he said. “If fighting is all about asserting one’s manhood, let’s put it to the test. Or testicle. Defend your manhood – literally.”
The spokesman said the league is prepared for a vigorous pushback from commentators such as Don Cherry and Nick Kypreos but it’s ready to take them on in a debate.
“Why is it these guys see nothing wrong with pounding a person’s head that could cause short- and long-term damage, but will react with shock and disgust to a player punching an opponent in the genitals?” he asked. “What’s more precious? They’re going to need their brain long after they retire, their balls not so much.
“Let’s face it, if these goons’ manly parts get injured, is that so bad? Do we really want them breeding?”
Cherry refused comment until after he had spoken to the league spokesman.
You Can Play -- but keep your head up
(April 13, 2013)
NEW YORK – Several hundred people picketed outside the head office of the National Hockey League Friday morning, one day after the league and players’ union announced they are partnering with an organization that targets homophobia in athletics.
‘Hypocrites, that’s what they are,” shouted one of the more vocal protesters visibly upset with the league and NHL Players’ Association for joining forces with You Can Play Project.
“Our motto is ‘Hockey Is For Everyone,’ and our partnership with You Can Play certifies that position in a clear and unequivocal way,” NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said in a statement. “While we believe that our actions in the past have shown our support for the LGBT community, we are delighted to reaffirm through this joint venture with the NHL Players’ Association that the official policy of the NHL is one of inclusion on the ice, in our locker-rooms and in the stands.”
But the league and union appear to have opened up a can of worms they never expected when they linked arms in a politically correct stance that asserts a fundamental human right.
Here’s what the spokesperson for the picketers had to say when questioned about why they would protest the NHL becoming the first professional sports league to publicly express its support of athletes and fans who are homosexuals.
“Why do we hate gays? What are you talking about!!!? I’m gay. Dozens of us here are either gay or lesbian. But all of us – All. Of. Us – are huge supporters of hockey – the way it should be played,” said Tony Ambercrombie Highsmith (not his real name; he requested a pseudonym because he works in a profession that’s widely known to be biased against gays).
“We endorse what the NHL and players’ association did yesterday – in principle. Our beef is that they didn’t go far enough. You Can Play Project is all fine and dandy but you can’t play if you’re injured, or realize your full potential if you’re in fear of your health every time you take the ice,” Highsmith said. “It’s why we’ve started a You Can Play Safely Project that takes aim at the goons who are ruining the game. The league doesn’t need to concern itself with players’ sexual orientation, but it should be concerned about their problems with orientation, after they’ve had ‘their bell rung.’ Most of the time they need help to find their way back to the bench.”
Highsmith scoffed at the NHL motto, ‘Hockey is for Everyone’, and Bettman’s assertion the league’s official policy is one of inclusion.
“In practice, it’s one of concussion for everyone,” he said, “which does make it non-discriminatory. Superstars and pluggers are equally at risk of getting dinged in the head and having their career cut short.”
Highsmith said You Can Play Safely Project members hope to shame the NHL into doing more to protect its players by wearing head bandages to games, and creating a website that spoofs director of player safety Brendan Shanahan’s videos explaining why little or no supplementary disciplinary is administered in cases that clearly warrant severe punishment.
“We fear that won’t be enough, however,” Highsmith said. “What we need is a high profile player of talent to step forward and openly admit he’s afraid for his well-being every shift he plays because of the headhunters out there. A player who’s respected by his peers and by the fans who’s willing to toss aside the sport's bluster of machismo and expose his vulnerability.
"Like when he’s facing the boards trying to corral a puck.”
The NHL and NHLPA issued a joint statement saying players have nothing to worry about because their disability insurance plan is one of the best in the world.
It's April 10. Are you getting enough fibre?
Well, the word's out. Budaj starts against the Sabres tomorrow night. Let's see what we can drag up from The Vault that's appropriate for the occasion. Oooooh, two!
Habs to go all-out if Gomez scores
(January 25, 2012)
MONTREAL – The Montreal Canadiens, the standard bearer in professional sports for celebrating individual and team achievements with ceremonies of great pomp, plan to stop play and present Scott Gomez with a gold puck should he score tonight – even if it’s an empty netter.
“Anyone playing as poorly as he’s been for the past year would have retired by now,” said a Canadiens’ spokesman, “but Scott’s not a quitter. He’s shown great perseverance in overcoming injury and a dramatic deterioration in his talent to stick with the club. That kind of dedication to his team and the game deserves to be honoured.”
Gomez said he appreciates his employer’s good intentions but would prefer the team didn’t make a big fuss should he score his first goal of the season tonight.
“It’s no big deal. It was just last February that I popped one in,” he told reporters, as they rummaged through piles of players’ uniforms tossed on the floor, looking for dirty laundry.
Gomez and the Canadiens face the red-hot Detroit Red Wings, who have won seven straight.
Casinos in Las Vegas have posted odds of 7.5 million to one that he’ll end his drought tonight. His teammates were giving even higher odds but could find no takers.
The Canadiens’ spokesman refuted suggestions that the club was desperate to generate excitement in a season that has produced few memorable moments not involving PK Subban.
“Write what you want about Gomez – and you have – but if he scores it would be a singular achievement,” he said. “A one-of-a-kind event. A unique occasion. Something to celebrate, wouldn’t you say?”
Sources, however, say the Canadiens are being disingenuous, that the tribute they’ve planned, should it happen, is nothing special. Even if Gomez doesn’t score, he will still receive the gold puck – as he has every day since the season started, as part of his long-term contract.
“Gomez has never received cash or had deposits made into his bank account,” the sources said in unison. “It’s always been gold with Scott. Says the precious metal appreciates in value, not dollar bills.”
With gold trading close to $1,700, a six-ounce hockey puck is worth about $10,200.
“At the end of the year the Canadiens,” one source said. “Toss in another gold bar or two,” another source said. “To bring his pay up to what it should be,” said a third source.
“The intangibles they pay in virtual cash,” a fourth source added.
(January 25, 2012)
MONTREAL – The Montreal Canadiens, the standard bearer in professional sports for celebrating individual and team achievements with ceremonies of great pomp, plan to stop play and present Scott Gomez with a gold puck should he score tonight – even if it’s an empty netter.
“Anyone playing as poorly as he’s been for the past year would have retired by now,” said a Canadiens’ spokesman, “but Scott’s not a quitter. He’s shown great perseverance in overcoming injury and a dramatic deterioration in his talent to stick with the club. That kind of dedication to his team and the game deserves to be honoured.”
Gomez said he appreciates his employer’s good intentions but would prefer the team didn’t make a big fuss should he score his first goal of the season tonight.
“It’s no big deal. It was just last February that I popped one in,” he told reporters, as they rummaged through piles of players’ uniforms tossed on the floor, looking for dirty laundry.
Gomez and the Canadiens face the red-hot Detroit Red Wings, who have won seven straight.
Casinos in Las Vegas have posted odds of 7.5 million to one that he’ll end his drought tonight. His teammates were giving even higher odds but could find no takers.
The Canadiens’ spokesman refuted suggestions that the club was desperate to generate excitement in a season that has produced few memorable moments not involving PK Subban.
“Write what you want about Gomez – and you have – but if he scores it would be a singular achievement,” he said. “A one-of-a-kind event. A unique occasion. Something to celebrate, wouldn’t you say?”
Sources, however, say the Canadiens are being disingenuous, that the tribute they’ve planned, should it happen, is nothing special. Even if Gomez doesn’t score, he will still receive the gold puck – as he has every day since the season started, as part of his long-term contract.
“Gomez has never received cash or had deposits made into his bank account,” the sources said in unison. “It’s always been gold with Scott. Says the precious metal appreciates in value, not dollar bills.”
With gold trading close to $1,700, a six-ounce hockey puck is worth about $10,200.
“At the end of the year the Canadiens,” one source said. “Toss in another gold bar or two,” another source said. “To bring his pay up to what it should be,” said a third source.
“The intangibles they pay in virtual cash,” a fourth source added.