Five more additions to the Vohabulary
(9:20 a.m., May 22, 2020)
intermission interviews – an intense form of inquiry conducted between periods designed to test players' knowledge of cliches, causing them to perspire profusely
stickhandle – to adroitly maintain possession of the puck while being harried by opponents and, in recreational hockey, loudly castigated by teammates with accusations of puckhoggery; akin to dribbling in basketball, eluding tacklers in football, and steering clear of politics and religion at family gatherings
puckhoggery – in recreational hockey, the act of selfishly holding onto the puck when immensely more talented teammates are clearly open and impatiently waiting for a pass that in all likelihood will result in a goal
pause – the suspension of league play while a pandemic plays out, in the same way that a group of golfers will stand aside to allow a single golfer to play through while hoping not to become infected
warm-up – the discharge of pent-up energy before a match, to loosen limbs, practise passing, and pelt goalies to build up their confidence (should they wish to play the entire game standing up)
(9:20 a.m., May 22, 2020)
intermission interviews – an intense form of inquiry conducted between periods designed to test players' knowledge of cliches, causing them to perspire profusely
stickhandle – to adroitly maintain possession of the puck while being harried by opponents and, in recreational hockey, loudly castigated by teammates with accusations of puckhoggery; akin to dribbling in basketball, eluding tacklers in football, and steering clear of politics and religion at family gatherings
puckhoggery – in recreational hockey, the act of selfishly holding onto the puck when immensely more talented teammates are clearly open and impatiently waiting for a pass that in all likelihood will result in a goal
pause – the suspension of league play while a pandemic plays out, in the same way that a group of golfers will stand aside to allow a single golfer to play through while hoping not to become infected
warm-up – the discharge of pent-up energy before a match, to loosen limbs, practise passing, and pelt goalies to build up their confidence (should they wish to play the entire game standing up)
More additions to the Vohabulary
(8:30 a.m., March 21, 2020)
boarding – wallpapering using an opponent's jersey while it's still being worn
cross-check – the robust use of a hockey stick horizontally to create space between opponents and thereby assert territoriality
elbowing – a nudge forcefully delivered, absent a wink, to dissuade further close encounters between two parties
goaltender interference – the obstruction of a netminder in performance of his duties; as the rule is subject to interpretation by flawed human beings, it leaves open the possibility of fouls going unpunished so victims often try to ensure that justice is administered by theatrically portraying the supposed harm they have suffered, going so far as flop to the ice as if struck by a broadsword or felled by an assassin's bullet, of which, it should be noted, there are no documented instances in the recent history of the NHL
unsportsmanlike conduct – behaviour that brings the sport into disrepute, but not as often or as badly as decisions of the NHL Department of Player Safety routinely do; the penalty is frequently called by officials taking exception to having their judgment profanely and lengthily questioned by players or coaches giving voice to spectators' general sentiment
(8:30 a.m., March 21, 2020)
boarding – wallpapering using an opponent's jersey while it's still being worn
cross-check – the robust use of a hockey stick horizontally to create space between opponents and thereby assert territoriality
elbowing – a nudge forcefully delivered, absent a wink, to dissuade further close encounters between two parties
goaltender interference – the obstruction of a netminder in performance of his duties; as the rule is subject to interpretation by flawed human beings, it leaves open the possibility of fouls going unpunished so victims often try to ensure that justice is administered by theatrically portraying the supposed harm they have suffered, going so far as flop to the ice as if struck by a broadsword or felled by an assassin's bullet, of which, it should be noted, there are no documented instances in the recent history of the NHL
unsportsmanlike conduct – behaviour that brings the sport into disrepute, but not as often or as badly as decisions of the NHL Department of Player Safety routinely do; the penalty is frequently called by officials taking exception to having their judgment profanely and lengthily questioned by players or coaches giving voice to spectators' general sentiment
FIve more additions to the Vohabulary
(Feb. 11, 2020)
awefence – an attack so potent it evokes dread in opponents and wonder in fans
game changer – said of a player whose exceptional talent can influence the outcome of a single contest, and, long term, the fortunes of a team; the term is never used pejoratively, although it must be said there are athletes who, by their abject performances, whether over 60 minutes or eight months, can decide a contest or, worse, blow up a team's playoff ambitions, along with the career of a coach
moral victory – a loss dressed up as a win out of whole cloth
prospeck – a draft choice whose impact at the professional level ultimately amounts to very little
TOI – acronym for the amount of time a player spends on the ice without regard to his effectiveness; a corollary stat of far greater value would be TWS – time well spent
(Feb. 11, 2020)
awefence – an attack so potent it evokes dread in opponents and wonder in fans
game changer – said of a player whose exceptional talent can influence the outcome of a single contest, and, long term, the fortunes of a team; the term is never used pejoratively, although it must be said there are athletes who, by their abject performances, whether over 60 minutes or eight months, can decide a contest or, worse, blow up a team's playoff ambitions, along with the career of a coach
moral victory – a loss dressed up as a win out of whole cloth
prospeck – a draft choice whose impact at the professional level ultimately amounts to very little
TOI – acronym for the amount of time a player spends on the ice without regard to his effectiveness; a corollary stat of far greater value would be TWS – time well spent
More definitions
(Sept. 21, 2018)
benn – a bearded pud
domi – Albanian for dummy
drouin – a player said to be a wizard with the puck whose magic mysteriously disappears when he's placed inside a circle
ekblad – the body fluid released when a person who has slashed another is struck in the face unexpectedly by a visibly annoyed victim
plek – the build-up of years on a veteran player's body
(Sept. 21, 2018)
benn – a bearded pud
domi – Albanian for dummy
drouin – a player said to be a wizard with the puck whose magic mysteriously disappears when he's placed inside a circle
ekblad – the body fluid released when a person who has slashed another is struck in the face unexpectedly by a visibly annoyed victim
plek – the build-up of years on a veteran player's body
More definitions
(Aug. 28, 2018)
cherry-picker – a forward whose fruits of labour are collected with an expenditure of energy half that of teammates
floater – a forward whose effortless play is condemned for its lack of exertion rather than praised for the ease with which skills are applied
Knelly – an über Nelly, a fan so down on his team he repeatedly sounds its demise before a season even commences
season – the marathon before the sprint, a race so exacting that teams winning the first leg seldom make it to the end of the second; interestingly, compiling the best record in the pre-season, or heat, as well as the regular season and post-season has never been touted as the Triple Crown of hockey
scrum – a milling about after a stoppage in play, also known as a grabfest
sucker punch – a blow to the face of an unsuspecting victim, or sucker, who should have known he was dealing with a cad
(Aug. 28, 2018)
cherry-picker – a forward whose fruits of labour are collected with an expenditure of energy half that of teammates
floater – a forward whose effortless play is condemned for its lack of exertion rather than praised for the ease with which skills are applied
Knelly – an über Nelly, a fan so down on his team he repeatedly sounds its demise before a season even commences
season – the marathon before the sprint, a race so exacting that teams winning the first leg seldom make it to the end of the second; interestingly, compiling the best record in the pre-season, or heat, as well as the regular season and post-season has never been touted as the Triple Crown of hockey
scrum – a milling about after a stoppage in play, also known as a grabfest
sucker punch – a blow to the face of an unsuspecting victim, or sucker, who should have known he was dealing with a cad
More definitions -- It's Draft Day!
(June 19, 2018)
draft – a system for distributing talent that, in the first five picks, rewards the incompetent and punishes the incomparable
mock draft – a favourite pastime of fans to demonstrate their managerial brilliance without having to worry, with the choices they make, what the consequences will be in their inconsequential lives
prospect – a player who shows promise in the eyes of a scout only to have it ruined in the hands of a coach
scout – a person paid to evaluate the potential of young players while the future diamonds are still lumps of coal; sadly, the pressure they experience often results in careers being crushed and reputations blackened
pick – a player chosen by a team to turn around its fortunes,strengthen its core, set the stage for future greatness, or add depth to the fourth line, all with an intent to confound the team's supporters
(June 19, 2018)
draft – a system for distributing talent that, in the first five picks, rewards the incompetent and punishes the incomparable
mock draft – a favourite pastime of fans to demonstrate their managerial brilliance without having to worry, with the choices they make, what the consequences will be in their inconsequential lives
prospect – a player who shows promise in the eyes of a scout only to have it ruined in the hands of a coach
scout – a person paid to evaluate the potential of young players while the future diamonds are still lumps of coal; sadly, the pressure they experience often results in careers being crushed and reputations blackened
pick – a player chosen by a team to turn around its fortunes,strengthen its core, set the stage for future greatness, or add depth to the fourth line, all with an intent to confound the team's supporters
More definitions ...
(April 14, 2018)
attitude – a feeling that one can climb a mountain in sandals, hunt lions with a stapler or win a scoring championship as a Montreal Canadien, without regard to the limits of one's abilities or capacity for self-deception
forum – a gathering place online where individuals of similar interests and dissimilar personalities can discuss matters of great and insignificant import in an equable manner while suppressing murderous impulses
offence – that part of the game given over to scoring goals, or failing that, dumping the puck into the corner to initiate a sequence of play along the boards known technically as cycling but more often is described as crowd-pleasing
plus/minus – a statistic used to pass judgment on a player's on-ice performance while in the company of inferior teammates; its only value more or less is to settle arguments and frame contract negotiations
(April 14, 2018)
attitude – a feeling that one can climb a mountain in sandals, hunt lions with a stapler or win a scoring championship as a Montreal Canadien, without regard to the limits of one's abilities or capacity for self-deception
forum – a gathering place online where individuals of similar interests and dissimilar personalities can discuss matters of great and insignificant import in an equable manner while suppressing murderous impulses
offence – that part of the game given over to scoring goals, or failing that, dumping the puck into the corner to initiate a sequence of play along the boards known technically as cycling but more often is described as crowd-pleasing
plus/minus – a statistic used to pass judgment on a player's on-ice performance while in the company of inferior teammates; its only value more or less is to settle arguments and frame contract negotiations
What is a spoiler, you ask
(March 3, 2018)
Four more additions to the Vohabulary:
spoiler – a team out of the running for the post-season that plays the role of double saboteur: whenever it defeats a team fighting to make the playoffs, it undermines the opponent's chances, as well as its own of securing a higher draft pick
playoffs – the two-and-a-half month period following the end of the regular season when “anything can happen” -- in hockey terms -- for 16 teams but only one thing in particular is desired: the winning of the Stanley Cup; it's also a time of year that some teams fail to experience on a regular basis, despite the best efforts of the National Hockey League to help lubricate their admittance to post-season play through a entry level draft
concussion – an injury to the brain caused by a sudden blow to the head; it's tragic in the eyes of many onlookers if inadvertent, but entertaining for others if intentional
concussion protocol – the procedure teams must follow when a player is believed to have suffered a head injury, requiring that he leave the game or miss a shift, depending on the severity of the injury or the score of the game
(March 3, 2018)
Four more additions to the Vohabulary:
spoiler – a team out of the running for the post-season that plays the role of double saboteur: whenever it defeats a team fighting to make the playoffs, it undermines the opponent's chances, as well as its own of securing a higher draft pick
playoffs – the two-and-a-half month period following the end of the regular season when “anything can happen” -- in hockey terms -- for 16 teams but only one thing in particular is desired: the winning of the Stanley Cup; it's also a time of year that some teams fail to experience on a regular basis, despite the best efforts of the National Hockey League to help lubricate their admittance to post-season play through a entry level draft
concussion – an injury to the brain caused by a sudden blow to the head; it's tragic in the eyes of many onlookers if inadvertent, but entertaining for others if intentional
concussion protocol – the procedure teams must follow when a player is believed to have suffered a head injury, requiring that he leave the game or miss a shift, depending on the severity of the injury or the score of the game
More additions to the Vohabulary
(Feb. 21, 2018)
infanity – the act of posting something critical over and over again in the deluded belief it will make a difference in how a team operates
backcheck, forecheck, poke check, head check, cross-check – of the five kinds of actions intended to disrupt an opponent's play, only the latter two are considered an effective and sometimes illegal deterrent
penalty box – an enclosed area in which a player must atone for his sin while his teammates labour to ensure he serves in full his punishment
delay of game – an act that causes play to halt in an unacceptable manner, such as chipping the puck over the glass in one's end, but more often than not involves a linesman dropping the puck
video review – the remote examination of footage by league officials to assign probability as to whether or not a puck crossed the goal line, while taking into account which team will be hurt most by the decision rendered
(Feb. 21, 2018)
infanity – the act of posting something critical over and over again in the deluded belief it will make a difference in how a team operates
backcheck, forecheck, poke check, head check, cross-check – of the five kinds of actions intended to disrupt an opponent's play, only the latter two are considered an effective and sometimes illegal deterrent
penalty box – an enclosed area in which a player must atone for his sin while his teammates labour to ensure he serves in full his punishment
delay of game – an act that causes play to halt in an unacceptable manner, such as chipping the puck over the glass in one's end, but more often than not involves a linesman dropping the puck
video review – the remote examination of footage by league officials to assign probability as to whether or not a puck crossed the goal line, while taking into account which team will be hurt most by the decision rendered
Eight more additions to the Vohabulary
(Jan. 2, 2018)
laudmouth – a fan who loudly proclaims the greatness of his team
boooster – a fan who, in assessing his team's play, noisily berates it
Molson Cup – a beerometer of how well a player has performed under pressure at home over the course of a month
fourth line – a team's dregs, castoffs and misfits who are tossed together to show the rest of the lineup what can be accomplished with chemistry
(Dec. 30, 2017)
habris – the feeling of Stanley Cup entitlement among fans of the Montreal Canadiens that emerged in the 1950s, flourished through the 1960s and thrived in the 1970s before beginning a steady decline into nothingness and with it the planning of season-ending parades in mid-winter
masoCHism – the act of wearing a hair Montreal Canadiens sweater while watching them play, as penance for years of habris.
Nelly – a fan so negative that a victory by the team is seen as hurting its position in the entry draft
Polly – a fan so positive that one eye is blind to a team's faults and the other eye sees only its strengths, real and imagined; often referred to as 0-40 vision
Vohabulary III
(Jan. 14, 2015)
staged fight – a piece of physical theatre that takes place at a moment’s notice during an athletic event. It’s a spectacle of short duration that begins with an obligatory dance, climaxes with a flurry of blows, and concludes with one or both partners in pain. If done well, the two will express their satisfaction by giving each other pats on the back and taps on the head to a chorus of cheers.
A party who feels more rehearsal is needed will decline the invitation to take part by allowing himself to be restrained by a linesman or, in extreme circumstances, swinging his stick to signal a profound lack of enthusiasm, at the risk of a bad review for a non-performance.
fight – the use of fisticuffs to vent rage, right a wrong, intimidate the opposition, influence a contest’s outcome, or maintain a spot on the roster. Medical evidence that fights can cause immediate and long-term health problems for combatants carries little weight with league officials, who do not want to stand in the way of players entertainingly exercising their free will to resolve differences.
smurf – an athlete of above-average talent and below-average height. Pundits say a team can have no more than two on a team to be successful, a rule of suckthumbs that coaches ignore at their peril – and often do.
pundit – a person paid to share a strong opinion on a particular subject with an excess of confidence mixed in with a smidgin of fact.
fan – an unpaid pundit with a smaller forum; a person who declares undying allegiance to a team, so long as it’s winning or covering the spread; a hapless individual doomed to endless disappointment, unnatural optimism, or wearying resignation, states of minds that often have little to do with the actual record of the fan’s favourite team.
concussion – a blow to the head said by ding-a-lings to be no different from ringing a bell.
love tap – the use of a non-surgical tool to neuter an opponent without benefit of an anaesthetic or a conscience.
commissioner – an autocrat who oversees a sport for which he has no affinity, which allows him to wield authority dispassionately with the purest of motives – to maximize the earning power of team owners, especially those few who are not his subordinates; a commissioner’s skin is typically thin and well-oiled with smarm.
Vohabulary -- The Lexicon of the NHL
(January 10, 2015; expanded Jan. 31, 2016; expanded June 29, 2016 to include more words based on players' names)
110 per cent – the extraordinary ability to give more of one’s efforts than is humanly possible, without divine intervention, chemical assistance, or a surge in adrenalin brought on by a crisis. Given the frequency this phenomenon is said to occur, one can safely rule out the intervention of a caring God or attentive gods, who have better things to do, and the salutary effect of crises, which, if they were to happen at the rate required to explain supposed elevated hormone levels, could no longer be considered crises but a commonplace of doing one’s job, making the increased production of adrenalin highly unlikely.
You can be 100 per cent certain the source of 110 per cent effort is drugs.
All-Star Game – an exhibition match played by superior athletes, with notable exceptions, who are voted on their teams by fans wanting to see the best in the sport perform together or wishing to make mischief in order to send a message to those responsible for the silly break in the schedule.
beaulieu – someone who has failed to do what other people promised.
carey – the linchpin in a machine which when taken out for repairs results in calls for the lynching of the operator when no suitable replacement is found.
character -- a surfeit of locker room intangibles in a body with a deficit of talent (May, 2017)
coach – a person temporarily employed to fill out a team’s lineup and berate/cajole/mentor/provoke its players for the entertainment of the media, and who is then unreasonably expected to provide reasons for the team’s success or failure after each game, as if he had anything to do with its outcome. Impressionable observers of the sport argue a coach does have an impact, by putting together line combinations, but the switching around of players willy-nilly is merely intended to create the illusion of a master strategist at work, not to counter moves made by the opposing coach for the same reason.
commissioner -- the league's top official whose principal role is to maximize profits for the team owners he serves while minimizing the earnings of players whose existence he tolerates.
condon – a prophylactic that leaks.
department of player safety – an office of the National Hockey League that decides whether players who have committed an egregious foul warrant supplemental discipline, either in the form of a suspension or an annoying phone call.
desharnais – a prized trinket, beloved by some to the point of obsession
disenfrenchise – to separate a team from its linguistic roots and cultural heritage, ostensibly to improve its chances of winning.
eller (derived from French word, aller, to go) – to skate in circles without obvious purpose until one is created: regaining the puck the player has turned over
fanalytics – that branch of hockey research exhaustively conducted by amateurs to little effect.
finishing a check – the administering of brute force to an opponent for the purpose of injuring and rendering unconscious the player who, seconds earlier, went by the description of puck carrier. The hockey play, as it’s also known, is the diametric opposite of a poke check.
fighting – the swift administration of justice by digital means without benefit of counsel; the infliction of pain for the purpose of entertainment; the tactical deployment of human resources that otherwise serve little function.
gallag – to be subjected to physical and verbal abuse when showing up uninvited at a goaltender's doorstep with a great deal of enthusiasm; the violence perpetrated by the offended parties is condoned by arbiters of NHL justice as it is considered the right and proper response to an unpardonable breach of netiquette;
– the person who receives such attention is called a gallagher.
(added Nov. 23, 2016)
general manager – a team executive whose bipolar duties include hiring/firing coaches, signing/releasing players, enhancing/destroying team chemistry through trades, fulfilling/disappointing fan expectations, representing/misrepresenting team interests, and setting/resetting five-year plans.
goon – an athlete whose skills, such as they are, are plied in one sport, hockey, when better suited for another, UFC.
habitué (pronounced hab-bitch-away) – a resident of fan sites devoted to the Montreal Canadiens whose stock in trade is to use every opportunity to denigrate the team he purportedly loves. Subject to the occasional ban.
hit – to use physical force in order to cause another player to become separated from the puck (or regret having touched it).
(added Nov. 22, 2016)
hockey play – a tongue-in-cheek expression employed by dim-witted TV analysts to describe an elbow-to-the-face, a forearm-to-the-head or a palm-to-the-chin.
houle – one unit of misspent managerial energy.
icing – an act of desperation or a poorly executed pass; one relieves pressure, the other causes it.
jacques-strop – a system that paradoxically has the effect of dulling the offence of the team that employs it.
lowe – contrary to what one might think, that range of misspent managerial energy considered to be at the high end of inutility.
markov – a sage of few words, a general who doesn't bark orders.
matteau – an athlete whose level of achievement never rises above floor level.
measuring stick – a bromide brought out whenever a team is about to play a foe considered to be its superior; oddly, the tool is never referenced for measurements after the game is played, nor are there any known units upon which it is based, inches and centimetres being irrevelant to the point being made.
parity – a principle that promotes bunching teams together in the standings by handing out three points after a game finishes tied in regulation. The concept of artificially narrowing the gap between demonstrably unequal teams is no different from levelling the playing field between superstars and average players by allowing the latter to interfere with the former in ways the rule book suggests, rather than proscribes, not be done.
phaneuf -- a pylon outfitted with skates giving it limited mobility but inexplicable trade value
poke check — a genteel maneuver whereby one player employs his hockey stick in a non-threatening manner to knock loose the puck from a rival’s possession. It is at the other end of the entertainment spectrum from finishing a check, which concludes with someone writhing or lying still on the ice, and fans in a frenzy. The poke check, by its nature, precludes all sorts of dramatic possibilities from arising, such as retribution by a victim’s teammates, or, in the extreme, the unseemly death of the targeted player, which would open the door to a longer and more fascinating drama being played out in court, editorials, bars and chat rooms, but no so much at general managers meetings, which are taken up with more serious matters.
puck luck -- a series of unusual occurrences said to favour one team over another for a short duration but which evens out over the course of a season; the dubious explanation offered by a coach unwilling to acknowledge his own culpability in the disappointing outcomes of contests (added Nov. 19, 2016)
pud -- a player who fills a sweater and a spot on the roster in a way that's not fulfilling (May 23, 2017)
referee – a visually impaired official of limited intellect and even less scruple employed by the National Hockey League to give the appearance of rules being applied and order maintained.
salary cap – a constraint on players’ greed and owners’ incompetence. The ceiling varies year to year according to a formula that’s a key component of the collective bargaining agreement, which divides league-wide revenues based on negotiations characterized by owners’ greed and players’ incompetence.
shootout – a low form of entertainment that replaces a team sport, hockey, with individual competition, shooter versus goalie, akin in principle to a punter facing a kick returner in overtime or two basketball players going one-on-one at the end of regulation play. Experts say hockey will one day be forced to introduce shootouts in the playoffs to maintain a logical consistency between the regular season and the post-season, the same as it currently does in the enforcement of rules.
subban – a wondrous creature whose black magic both delights and offends, causing its master great turmoil: Does he let it remain free to wander or put it back in the bottle to be bartered?
The Code – a set of rules too ridiculous to be written down, adhered to by the too gullible.
therrienitis – a painful inflammation of a fan’s sensibility, triggered by antipathy toward a certain style of coaching.
three-on-three – an orgy of excitement, five minutes at most, that takes place after a game ends tied in regulation, in which the number of skaters are reduced by 40 per cent, freeing up space for the execution of plays and the demonstration of skills not fully permitted when sweater-fillers are allowed on the ice; should the three-play result in a goal, the sudden-death experience is said to be not unlike the climax of another intense physical activity involving humans (but with far less attire).
(January 10, 2015; expanded Jan. 31, 2016; expanded June 29, 2016 to include more words based on players' names)
110 per cent – the extraordinary ability to give more of one’s efforts than is humanly possible, without divine intervention, chemical assistance, or a surge in adrenalin brought on by a crisis. Given the frequency this phenomenon is said to occur, one can safely rule out the intervention of a caring God or attentive gods, who have better things to do, and the salutary effect of crises, which, if they were to happen at the rate required to explain supposed elevated hormone levels, could no longer be considered crises but a commonplace of doing one’s job, making the increased production of adrenalin highly unlikely.
You can be 100 per cent certain the source of 110 per cent effort is drugs.
All-Star Game – an exhibition match played by superior athletes, with notable exceptions, who are voted on their teams by fans wanting to see the best in the sport perform together or wishing to make mischief in order to send a message to those responsible for the silly break in the schedule.
beaulieu – someone who has failed to do what other people promised.
carey – the linchpin in a machine which when taken out for repairs results in calls for the lynching of the operator when no suitable replacement is found.
character -- a surfeit of locker room intangibles in a body with a deficit of talent (May, 2017)
coach – a person temporarily employed to fill out a team’s lineup and berate/cajole/mentor/provoke its players for the entertainment of the media, and who is then unreasonably expected to provide reasons for the team’s success or failure after each game, as if he had anything to do with its outcome. Impressionable observers of the sport argue a coach does have an impact, by putting together line combinations, but the switching around of players willy-nilly is merely intended to create the illusion of a master strategist at work, not to counter moves made by the opposing coach for the same reason.
commissioner -- the league's top official whose principal role is to maximize profits for the team owners he serves while minimizing the earnings of players whose existence he tolerates.
condon – a prophylactic that leaks.
department of player safety – an office of the National Hockey League that decides whether players who have committed an egregious foul warrant supplemental discipline, either in the form of a suspension or an annoying phone call.
desharnais – a prized trinket, beloved by some to the point of obsession
disenfrenchise – to separate a team from its linguistic roots and cultural heritage, ostensibly to improve its chances of winning.
eller (derived from French word, aller, to go) – to skate in circles without obvious purpose until one is created: regaining the puck the player has turned over
fanalytics – that branch of hockey research exhaustively conducted by amateurs to little effect.
finishing a check – the administering of brute force to an opponent for the purpose of injuring and rendering unconscious the player who, seconds earlier, went by the description of puck carrier. The hockey play, as it’s also known, is the diametric opposite of a poke check.
fighting – the swift administration of justice by digital means without benefit of counsel; the infliction of pain for the purpose of entertainment; the tactical deployment of human resources that otherwise serve little function.
gallag – to be subjected to physical and verbal abuse when showing up uninvited at a goaltender's doorstep with a great deal of enthusiasm; the violence perpetrated by the offended parties is condoned by arbiters of NHL justice as it is considered the right and proper response to an unpardonable breach of netiquette;
– the person who receives such attention is called a gallagher.
(added Nov. 23, 2016)
general manager – a team executive whose bipolar duties include hiring/firing coaches, signing/releasing players, enhancing/destroying team chemistry through trades, fulfilling/disappointing fan expectations, representing/misrepresenting team interests, and setting/resetting five-year plans.
goon – an athlete whose skills, such as they are, are plied in one sport, hockey, when better suited for another, UFC.
habitué (pronounced hab-bitch-away) – a resident of fan sites devoted to the Montreal Canadiens whose stock in trade is to use every opportunity to denigrate the team he purportedly loves. Subject to the occasional ban.
hit – to use physical force in order to cause another player to become separated from the puck (or regret having touched it).
(added Nov. 22, 2016)
hockey play – a tongue-in-cheek expression employed by dim-witted TV analysts to describe an elbow-to-the-face, a forearm-to-the-head or a palm-to-the-chin.
houle – one unit of misspent managerial energy.
icing – an act of desperation or a poorly executed pass; one relieves pressure, the other causes it.
jacques-strop – a system that paradoxically has the effect of dulling the offence of the team that employs it.
lowe – contrary to what one might think, that range of misspent managerial energy considered to be at the high end of inutility.
markov – a sage of few words, a general who doesn't bark orders.
matteau – an athlete whose level of achievement never rises above floor level.
measuring stick – a bromide brought out whenever a team is about to play a foe considered to be its superior; oddly, the tool is never referenced for measurements after the game is played, nor are there any known units upon which it is based, inches and centimetres being irrevelant to the point being made.
parity – a principle that promotes bunching teams together in the standings by handing out three points after a game finishes tied in regulation. The concept of artificially narrowing the gap between demonstrably unequal teams is no different from levelling the playing field between superstars and average players by allowing the latter to interfere with the former in ways the rule book suggests, rather than proscribes, not be done.
phaneuf -- a pylon outfitted with skates giving it limited mobility but inexplicable trade value
poke check — a genteel maneuver whereby one player employs his hockey stick in a non-threatening manner to knock loose the puck from a rival’s possession. It is at the other end of the entertainment spectrum from finishing a check, which concludes with someone writhing or lying still on the ice, and fans in a frenzy. The poke check, by its nature, precludes all sorts of dramatic possibilities from arising, such as retribution by a victim’s teammates, or, in the extreme, the unseemly death of the targeted player, which would open the door to a longer and more fascinating drama being played out in court, editorials, bars and chat rooms, but no so much at general managers meetings, which are taken up with more serious matters.
puck luck -- a series of unusual occurrences said to favour one team over another for a short duration but which evens out over the course of a season; the dubious explanation offered by a coach unwilling to acknowledge his own culpability in the disappointing outcomes of contests (added Nov. 19, 2016)
pud -- a player who fills a sweater and a spot on the roster in a way that's not fulfilling (May 23, 2017)
referee – a visually impaired official of limited intellect and even less scruple employed by the National Hockey League to give the appearance of rules being applied and order maintained.
salary cap – a constraint on players’ greed and owners’ incompetence. The ceiling varies year to year according to a formula that’s a key component of the collective bargaining agreement, which divides league-wide revenues based on negotiations characterized by owners’ greed and players’ incompetence.
shootout – a low form of entertainment that replaces a team sport, hockey, with individual competition, shooter versus goalie, akin in principle to a punter facing a kick returner in overtime or two basketball players going one-on-one at the end of regulation play. Experts say hockey will one day be forced to introduce shootouts in the playoffs to maintain a logical consistency between the regular season and the post-season, the same as it currently does in the enforcement of rules.
subban – a wondrous creature whose black magic both delights and offends, causing its master great turmoil: Does he let it remain free to wander or put it back in the bottle to be bartered?
The Code – a set of rules too ridiculous to be written down, adhered to by the too gullible.
therrienitis – a painful inflammation of a fan’s sensibility, triggered by antipathy toward a certain style of coaching.
three-on-three – an orgy of excitement, five minutes at most, that takes place after a game ends tied in regulation, in which the number of skaters are reduced by 40 per cent, freeing up space for the execution of plays and the demonstration of skills not fully permitted when sweater-fillers are allowed on the ice; should the three-play result in a goal, the sudden-death experience is said to be not unlike the climax of another intense physical activity involving humans (but with far less attire).